Reviews, for lack of anything topical

"Fantastic Four"
Should be renamed Fanta$$tic A$$. Even though I have geekish and nerdish tendencies, and even though I was a little schwag reader as a kid- I was just never into the FF as a group. They were just a little too wholesome for my taste. Sure, I had a couple of ish’s and the world famous X-Men/FF crossover…heck, I even watched the dumb cartoon w/the FantA$$ticar and Herbie the lame-ass Rosie knock off Robot. I had even seen glimpses of the infamous FF movie from 1994, starring that kid who played "Bug" in "Uncle Buck".

So, while the franchise is kind of "Red Sox" cursed, I was cautiously optimistic regarding the film. The cast seemed okay- I was digging on Ioan Gruffuld, Chiklis owns in "The Shield", and Chris Owens…from the trailer, seemed okay. Jessica Alpo, while gorge’, didn’t seem like a good fit- A role better suited for Naomi Watts (Hey, do what the X-Men did- Cast good people, correctly, In every role…and you’ll be aces.) And lastly, Julio McMahon: Plays a jerk on Nip/Tuck…Plays a variation of a jerk here. Woooooo, stretch.

Um. It sucked. Mired by shite dialogue, the movie never had a chance to capitalize on the coolness it could have been. Alpo was mis-cast, and while I can’t say a film that dedicates itself to undressing her at every turn is a bad thing, it was a boring catalyst for a gimmick. Chiklis was good, even under all the prosthetics he really played the tortured monster really well. And Chris Owens did the cocky thing okay (I coulda done w/o the "Extreme Sports" angle) - He and The Thing’s relationship was about the only thing that was even remotely believable. (Although there was a nice, quiet scene between pre-Thing Ben and Reed that was actually pretty cool to watch. Real, y’know?)

Big problem? Dr. Doom is by far and away the baddest bad-ass in comics canon. He knows magic, science, and lives in a great big castle. He loves his people, and hates the world…And is insanely jealous of Reed Richards. He Eff’s up everybody. Here, we have a (badly characterized) Meglomaniacal Ham who gets metal skin, shoots electric bolts out of his hand (Ooooo. Did I say Hand, singular? I did.) And puts on a helmet. Ooooo. He’s a mort. Big-Time. And his "Big surprises" to stop the FF (Freezing "Mr. Fantastic"? That had to be the lamest gimmick outside of 1960’s Batman TV Show.)
So yeah, the effects were cool, and effective. But plot, characterization, story, were all…ass. Sorry. Skip it.

"Unleashed"
So, I like karate movies. Big deal. Redwright lent me this after showing me the very 1st 2 minutes of fighting. So I borrowed it. And liked it. It’s short, light, fluffy, and the fighting is just…sick. Bob Hoskins and Morgan Freeman both do great jobs. (Hoskins chews scenery like cattle chew cud) And Jet Li plays the role of a man raised like a dog…well? Did I mention the fights are sick? (Spoiler 1- There is a claustrophobic bathroom fight. Like, waaay claustrophobic. Yeesh. Spoiler 2- WTF does that collar do? Way I see it, it doesn’t do dick. Seriously. I thought it’d be something cool like, if he tries to take it off himself his head will explode, but…no.) Check it out on NutFlux if you get a chance. And enjoy the terrific shots of London. (I wanna go back)

"War of the Worlds"
Great special effects. Great. Cool. So why didn’t I like this movie very much? It wasn’t Tom Crooze’s performance (Who, despite needing to take a long walk off a short pier, was fine) it was the casting ofTom Crooze’s in the 1st place. Too, effin’ pretty to play a blue collar NJ dad that works on the docks…and drives a frickin’ really expensive car. And wears a really expensive jacket. I just couldna buy it. His kids were fine (Dakota "My eyes are unnaturally large" Fanning was really good.) And Spielberg still paints a really pretty picture all over. I just kind of wish that it had that pacing of "Close Encounters". Which I need to own.
I don’t know, if I want a quiet little "Earth Invasion" movie I’ll re-watch "Signs". Or feck, if I have a couple of days (HA!) I’ll pick up "V".