Busy again...

Well sue me. I've been busy. Actually that’s not entirely true. I’ve been leading a far more boring assed life lately due to budget constraints. (Saving up, Paying Bills, etc.) So my going out and observation time is eaten up with things I don’t think would be really too insteresting to the masses? (ex: Today, I went to mom and dad’s old place and mowed their lawn. I enjoyed a delightful curry veggie on Friday night. I placed over 300 ft of weed barrier around the fence line. Over lunch, I had a invigorating class at the dojo where our instructor regaled us with yet another rollicking pyromaniacal tale of gun safety. He’s a gun nut, you see. Ironic, to be sure, for an instructor of an empty handed form of combat to be so in love with firearms. Digress) So yeah. I’m a boring bunk when I’m in saving mode and trying desperately to get outdoor projects completed before the big freeze.

However.

How can I not frass about the State Fair? The State, mother f#ckin’ FAIR!!! Or walking out of a show that I felt was so bad, I’m was ultimately grateful that I didn’t pay for tix? Or seeing "Cat"? Or re-connecting with an old friend.

Well, I can’t let that go.

So buckle your belts, botches. I'm gonna be posty.

I'm a little boring, yeah....It's what I gots, yo...

1. How old do you wish you were?
10…when my brain rank was number 1
2. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
Phone call waking me up by my roommate who I thought was waking me up not to forget a temp agency interview. It wasn’t. "Oh my GOD! Turn on the TV!"
3. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Curse
4. Do you consider yourself kind?
Kind of off center, yeah.
5. If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be?
Kanji for "No". It beats the kanji for "It seemed like a good idea at the time"
6. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
I’d be a polyglot: Arabic, Japanese, Chinese, Hindi, Farsi, German, Spanish, Italian, and Frenchville.
7. Do you know your neighbors?Fuck yeah. I helped organize National Night Out, doi!
8. What do you consider a vacation?Away…and sometimes home
9. Do you follow your horoscope?
Somedays
10. Would you move for the person you loved?
Not until I’ve built up enough equity.
11. Are you touchy feely?
Yeah. Restraining orders pending.
12. Do you believe that opposites attract?
Sure. And same-ah-sites.
13. Dream job?
Actor
14. Favorite channels?
English
15. Favorite place to go on a weekend?
Out
16. Showers or bath?
Shower.
17. Do you paint your nails?
Just so that they blend in to the wood, yeah.
18. Do you trust people easily?
Easily yes. Fully…not so much
19. What are your phobias?
Deep Deep sea beasties like sharks. Shipwrecks. Driving through golf courses and a wayward ball is gonna break my window. Losing my house. Ugh…crap.
20. Do you want kids?
Not really
21. Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Not since 1996?
22. Where would you rather be right now?
Travelling
23. What makes you feel warm and safe?
A nice mocha at a coffee shop with a good book
24. Heavy or light sleep?
When I do, it’s usually light.
25. Are you paranoid?
I’m self-aware, self-conscious, and hyper-ass empathetic…so it probably reads as P-noid.
26. Are you impatient?
No
27. Who can you relate to?
Everyone. I’m a relater.
28. How do you feel about interracial couples?
Life shouldn’t be a race.
29. Have you been burned by love?
Burned, Drawn, Quartered, Eviscerated. Kicked in the Gonads, Knocked over, fat paddled, branded, taken to the all-you-can-eat buffet and then told to wait in the car on a summer day with nothing other than a sippy cup fulla warm Kool-Aid to get me by…But I’ve been in love, and when you’re there?

It’s fan-fucking-tastic.

30. What's your life motto?
Nosce Te Ipsum: Know Thyself
31. What's your main ringtone on your mobile?
Moses and I have named it "The coolest guy in Minneapolis" Theme Song
32. What were you doing at midnight last night?Passed out, waiting to wake myself up for a 3 hour bout of insomnia.
33. Who was your last text message from?
Mo-peppa
34. Whose bed did you sleep in last night?My own.
35. What color shirt are you wearing?
Dark blue pollo shirt
36. Most recent movie you watched?
Still struggling through "Kingdom of Heaven"/4 episodes of South Park Season 6
37. Name five things you have on you at all times?
Stick of Carmex, Wallet, Cell Phone, Ichi-yen necklace, Keys…Spider Man Costume
38. What color are your bed sheets?
White, with a merlot colored duvet cover over my down comforter…It’s a king. And it’s YUGE!39. How much cash do you have on you right now?
Nicht so viel. Ich habe keine geld.
40. What is your favorite part of the chicken?
GRILLED OR BROILED CHICKY BOOBIES!
41. What is your favorite town/city?
San Fran and NYC for their unique energies. 4 corners for the solace. Drawn to the SW, I am.
42. I can't wait till...I get my black belt. I can fly to Europe again…(More immediately, to get to Ren Fest and the State Fair)
43. Who got you to join Blogger?
Kaiser. I got tired of waiting for his non-existent blogs so I started my own douche-y one.
44. What did you have for dinner last night?
Lord. Chinese (Steamed Chicken with Mixed Veggies) Again…with loving and once absent friends. (ooooo, softy)
45. How tall are you barefoot?
5’10"…In heels, I’m 7’11"
46. Have you ever smoked crack?
I’ve cracked smoke with my bare hands…I’m deadly. (And why are they starting with f#cking crack, anyway? They don’t say "Booze", "High Powered Painkillers", "Pot", "Banana Peels", etc.? They skip straight to crack. Ambitious question, number 46…I’ll give you that.
47. Do you own a gun?
Two! (Kisses each arm) I’m lucky they let me in my office, baby. (EYES! Roll’em if you got’em…)
48. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee, OJ, Water…in no particular order.
49. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
An incredibly vast array of all-new old cheap lines which briefly affords me the momentary air of charm...before the booze or roofies kick in. Then you’re stuck, ladies.
50. Do you have A.D.D?
Well, I guess I’m kind of flibbertygib…HEY! KITTENS!!!!
51. What time did you wake up today?3am, then 6:45am, then 7:15am…
52. Current worry?
Getting out of debt and other private matters.
53. Current hate?
It will all be over soon…I promise you…I know that Biggie. I really do. I trust you implicitly.
54. Favorite place to be?
Eating really good food with my friends around my patio.
55. Where would you like to travel?
Franceville, and then hitting Florence…birthplace of the Renaissance. Oh fuck…I’m excited.
56. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
Closer to fine?
57. Last thing you ate?
Leftover Chinese. I still don’t know how I used to be able to eat an entire plate of that shit. I can barely get through half nowadays.
58. Song you sing in the shower?
Showtunes, probably. Or something with "Frassy Pamping" substituted as the lyrics.
59. Last person that made you laugh?
Myself. I’m almost always laughing at my dumb butt self. (Last night, Mo and Linz made me nearly vomit laughing)
60. Worst injury you ever had?
Physical? Not much. I’m nigh on invulnerable in a lucky sort of way. Outside of a variety of cuts, gashes, abrasions, bruises, burns-some pretty bad, Broken nose, bruised rib (RSvP Love Tap) Getting my bell rung pretty hard during sparring, wind knocked out of me, frassy back, bruised coxcis, pulled hammies, frassy hips, soreness to the point of being immobile, scratched cornea, nail through the bottom of my foot, hit by two ten speeds, subsequent high impact with a wooden phone pole, face nearly bit off by a dog. Arm nearly taken off by a wooden dowel wrapped in foam, kicked super hard in the gonads, concussed a few times, hyper-extended my elbow

The worst one though? Heartbreak. I’d take all of those owies combined to be rid of ever having that sense memory, ever again. Ick.
61. Does someone have a crush on you?
Many wish to crush me. (It's pretty doubtful...I'd know. And really, I leave a bad taste in your mouth, much like an accidental spritz of Aussie Sprunch Hairspray in your hair, circa 1989)
62. What is your favorite candy?
Don’t really have one.
63. Favorite erogenous zone?
My brain. Make me laugh, yo.

Yeah...you go baby. Home Depot is winning.

There. I said it. None, I repeat, NO project got completed this weekend. Why, pray tell? What did Mikey do, you ask, with his solo weekend?

Nada. Nothing. No workouts, No mowing, no mulch laying, no edging installations...zilch.

Well, scratch that bit. A smidge.

Friday= Was supposed to meet a friend for cocktails after her shift ended. I got dressed, headed downstairs to wait for a phone call. When 10pm rolled around, I started reading...then snnnnnzzkkzzk.

I woke up at midnight to see that she'd called to say her shift ended way late and she went home to bed. I'm off the hook, hookers.


Sats= I spent the whoooooooooole day cleaning my house to prepare for the arrival of the 'Beans mom. Top- to- bottom. For future reference, y'all? It takes approximately 2.5 hours to dust/clean the hardwood surfaces which includes moving furniture. Another 2 to clean the windows. I gave some thought to going out and catching a film, but opted to rent a couple O' DVD's instead. ("Layer Cake"= Awesome. "Kingdom of Heaven"= bo-ring. If I want to watch a film about the Crusades, I'll re-rent Terry Jones BBC documentary.) I was going to hit the Dakota Jazz Club around 11pm and watch my friend Adam play their "free set", so as I struggled through "Kingdom" I started dozing again.

Taking it as a sign, I went to take a power-nap so I had some energy for later when BOOM!

3:30 am.
Wide awake.
So I went downstairs and chopped veggies for an omelette, had a glass of wine, and picked up a book. Then watched some more "Kingdom of Douchedom". Before finally succumbing to sleep around 6am.

Waking later on Sunday, I was super excited at the prospect of omelettes. 'Bean woke me up with a call of "Are you Decent?!" And I replied: "Jellybean...I'm NEVER decent" which was as good of a response as any to segue into my introduction to his mom. And boy howdy, is she Texan. Tan, twinkly eyes, bright blue t-shirt, white jeans, white canvas shoes....and one of those gold-coiny looking rope belts. No s#it. She was darling, and she gifted us a bottle of Italian red wine.

Instead of omelettes, I spaced out "Dim Sum" breakfast I had planned with the Thorne's et. al, which was in...ohhh, 10 minutes. How I remembered without 'Peppa is beyond me. So breakfast went until 1pm. I come home and DAD calls which was another 2.5 hours on the phone. (He was giving me the 411 as to who I should vote for Hennepin County Sheriff. And that was just the 1st hour, kittens.) Which meant my afternoon was gone before I needed to head over to the No Refunds Theatre Congratulatory dinner @ the New Chatterbox Pub in Saint Paul. Good Times. Free wine. Good food. And a be-kilted Shinobi-Wan schooling us at freeplay cricket.

Then home. A Mo-visit to recount her road trip...then bed.

So FeeJ and the Thorne's are CLEARLY the winners when it comes to home projects.

I just plain suck in the most unmotivational way. Boo.

What...the?

It's funny how all the fires that come up at work don't ever get a rise out of me, but the little things can just bite my balls. Today-

I'm going to toss my leftover Chinese in the break room fridge, only to find it full. Now, I get to work at 7 am-ish so it has NEVER been a problem to sneak a corner to stash my vittles. But SOME thinking mo-fo felt the pressing need to cram a 24 pack of water in the fridge. So everyone else has to contend with their inconsideration!

"I think that's just rude" exclaimed a woman standing next to the fridge with a disdainful look on her face.

"Rude? You haven't heard the stream of profanity I want to utter right now. What, The, Fu..."

So. I pulled that shit out and set it on the top of the fridge. B#tches. Between that, and the people who leave their cream cheese in there for weeks with a little no "Oh please, pleeeeease don't throw away my cream cheese for my daily bagel. Pleeeeeease" even THOUGH the sign on the fridge CuhLEARLY states "We will throw away your shit after 5pm EVERY Friday if you leave it in the refrigerator." (We had some problems with mold, see. ) People, Please! You are defying the simple rules that GE has set down! I don't see any cots? Or tasteful couches and coffee tables. I don't see a coffee machine?

This is not-you-HOUSE! Stop bringing TWO GALLONS of MILK and leaving it in there all week! You're using up your 5X5 square inch allotment that has been allowed by management! Stop bringing in your Hefty Hefty Cinch Sacks to cart your FOOD in!

Seriously. 150 work on this floor, and we have one teeny fridgey fridgey buck-buck to work with. A little consideration, people.




In other news, steamed mixed veggies with tofu is actually pretty good. Makes for WONderful leftovers.

Day...bidet

Lawnmowers run much better when there is gas innem. IJS.


Friday I came home to a pleasant surprise: My camera phone. wOOt technology. Prepare yourselves for some lascivious photo's. The world is a dirty place when seen through my eyes.

(And I proceeded in slicing my fingers open trying to pry my old tricorder cell phone apart to get the fucking SIM card out.)

Mo-peppa came over and I gifted her (In spite of the fact that it was a day early. I'm impatient. Shup) And the 'Bean was kind enough to give us an invite to see Debbie Duncan and Dennis Spears perform together at Sophia. They were phenom- We et, Danced, and went for a leisurely stroll over to Nicollet Island where we considered crashing a wedding ("I bet there's free booze in there") and saw 1,000's of fat spiders idling on the bridge...That, I'll admit, was freaky. And I don't even mind spider's.

Saturday- It's "Mo's Day" as I was reminded throughout the day, therefore we do "Mo things" including:

Reading and Relaxing at the Wilde Roast over mocha's
Hitting the Mipples Library to return some s#it and see if they have a copy of "Freakanomics" (There's a 4 week wait until the next available copy)
Midtown Global Market for lunch. (You should all go. We danced to African rhythms. Stay away from the Thai. Boo for onions)
Walking around Minnehaha Falls. (Many pampied children and weddings. If you know someone who was married there and a half naked dude winds up in their photo's- blame me)
Shopping for her evening outfit at Calhoun Square. (WTF Happened to that place, btw?)
Then napping, to prepare our bodies for the evenings event:
Psycho Suzi's (I gave Rik Reppe my S.O.'s phone number. Does that seem weird?)
Nye's (Paint thinner is weaker than the cocktails at Nye's)
Finished with dancing at the Froooont (I was accosted by a woman dressed as Hamburgler. No lie)

Thanks to everyone who came out to play. You made it an awesome night.

Sunday I poured a cement sidewalk. Which was a bitch. I'm all over sore today. And it still looks like shit. But...I'm done. That was "The big project of '06". After that I was pretty wiped, HOWEVER I had another big kid birthday to attend so my shout out to Magrooders! Happy B'day, sweetness!*

And finally...I watched "Brokeback Mounting". It was good and all, but for the life of me I'm not sure what all the fuss was about. I thought Michelle Williams was pretty awesome.


*I would like to point out for the record that whenever I go over to Redwrights for a party, 2 things almost ALways happen:
1) I eat, waaaaaay too much. Yes. Way too much. It's, like 10 a.m. now and I still feel like I'm stuffed to my trachea. A Boca burger, pasta, hamburger patty (Yeah, that's what I think did it to me. Vom) Annnnnnnd, hovering for a half hour over the spinach artichoke dip (And the salmon artichoke spread that was right next to it) Makes for a very unhappy Baby P.

2) I forget something. July 4th it was my cowboy hat. Yesterday it was my man-satchel. Complete with work ID, and wallet. Not fun. Booooooo....

Haaaaaapy BIRTHDAY!

To Dorajar/Moped/Peppa-pants/Prrrrty Petunia/Beautiful Branch/Pseudo Hippy


MO!

A birthday rap, for the girl who did a Christian Rap at the Fringe. (And is now part of her dad's "Arsenal")

Here's a birthday rap, for my friend "Mo-Mo"
Who turns 25 on this day, you know/
People call her a hippy, 'cause she's social, smart, and keen
And she owns a denim napkin when she likes to be seen/
She's a wanderlusty rambler who is always on the move,
But she'll throw you out a punchdown when she's getting on her groove/
She's the phenomenalist woman in the U.S. and world,
So I thought I'd rap some love, to the birthday girl...

Word

Love ya Mo-seph! Happy Birthday, and many happy returns!


(Go to Suzi's Psycho 2-nite to wish her a happy happy and buy her a drink, if'n ya feel like it!)

Please interpret...

My dream last night...ahem:

I was hanging out with Peppa (And a bunch of hot lesbians. Okay, so in my dream they are really attractive) in the upstairs living room of a suburban split level 2 story. Outside of the bay front window, a remote controlled helicopter deal with camera goes by with the KARE 11 logo on it. Apparently, the news stations uses it to get video recording of neighborhood news stories. As it flies by the bay window, the lesbians start flashing the camera.

This is all well and good, but I realize that I have to clean out some dusty books in my parents cabin. (Except, it's more along the lines of a gabled roof log cabin) I need to use the toilet, and before hand I wipe the seat with almost an entire roll of toilet paper. No idea why this was a good idea. I'm dreaming. I know I'm gonna have to clean out the terlet (A prospect I'm not relishing) but rather than do the Egyptian thing and shove my hand in there I'm bound and determined to get some rubber gloves on.

Heading downstairs, I get called outside by my mom who needs me to go through a box of GI Joe figures (The old 12 inch "dolls") and help match up the missing arms with the correct "Joe" (See, the old figures in the 60's had detachable arms) We're going through the box matching the bionic Joe arms to the bionic Joe body, when Ro comes over with his hands clasped behind his back and two GI Joe arms taped to his shoulders (Giving the appearance of having wee lil' arms.) in an attempt to be funny. I only think it's funny because he's taped two left arms to himself and not an appropriate left and right arm. What's more, I notice that I have the match to one of his arms.

Then I'm back inside wondering if I can just flush the remnants down and, woop, no go. BUT enough of the TP has gone down the drain that it shouldn't be too daunting to (ugh) reach in and get the rest. I realize I don't have gloves on but I think in my dream state that I can just, reach in quick like and throw the wet toiletty TeeP's away without too much poopy water infection.
Then I'm outside, by my car, in the early twilight a.m. and I see some teen kids (vandals and miscreants for sure) trying to hop over my fence into the back yard. I'm crouched behind the bumper and before they can try to get in I SPRING out and say "YEAAAARRRRGH" shaking my hands above me and just screaming bloody murder...all the while the kids are scrambling away, running, screaming. And I feel satisfied that for once, in my dreamstate, I was able to chase ne'er do wells off as opposed to feeling powerless to stop them. (ex: Moving in slo mo during a fight)

Amazing I'm not fired...

I just told an associate manager (read: Big Wig Corporate Mucky Muck) that he was wearing a "prison tie". Black and white horizontal stripes going up and down. He laughed.

Doubtful he would have laughed if I called it a "Hamburgler Tie", followed with a shout of "ROBBLE ROBBLE!"

Or if I started singing "Les Mis" in his general direction.."Who am IIIIIIII? I'm TWO FOUR SIX OH OOOOOONNNNNNEEEEE!"


No. Not weird at all. Perfectly adaptable in corporate environs. Carry on.

Of Frass and Frrreeeeeinge

If my voice was absent these past few days it was largely due to that raucous party known to all as The Fringe Vegetable. By my own admission, I’m a turrible Fringer (Always starting the run with the intent of seeing boo-too shows, and then wind up barely seeing a skinny handful. My bad.) This year proved better than years past however in the fact that I was actually able to get out and enjoy the Fringe atmosphere. 1st time in, ohhhhh, 3 years I’d wager? Hmmmmmm. Funny that, eh? AND armed with a Fringe bu’on and artist pass (Always funny, seeing that. Makes me feel all artsy) there was really no reason I couldn’t go. I just…didn’t? Fringe induced narcolepsy tends to about these 10 days: Sometimes a result of seeing a lot of shows, seeing bad shows, crowds, working on your own show. It’s maddening. Which also meant I spent the better part of the weekend in a partly to mostly catatonic state. Not even drink induced.

A recap:
Frids: Moped bopped over after doing her Fringe Hippying and we snarfed Curry b4 she spit the bit for more Fringeness. I…stayed in and read.

Sats: More depot trips. Spent some cat time at Rosackers. (Their store kitty is super cute…albeit incredibly gassy. I’m not kidding. Scientests, take note: That cat’s ass should be treated as a renewable fuel source!) After a quick clean up at home, we took a little side trip to go purchase…the prop.

I don’t know what inspired me to go this route for a character. Our show was a free-form lampoon of the Am. Idol series and the only structure I was told was to make up a funny character. On our road trip, I bounced the idea of a redneck cowboy (Do you have any other characters you’d maybe like to try, P?) off of Mopes. The caveat was that instead of singing, ohhhh, country- He’d do a hardcore gangsta rap. Then in the semi-finals something from musical theater (I’ll get to that in a minnit) and then an Italian aria for the final. Get it? Play a type. Play against it. Comic. Gold.

So the NRT boys were cool with it. And opening night I frassed onstage in overalls and did "The Humpty Dance". Woo. Hoo. (Felt re-dickly un-funy for some reason) And here I thought it was a well thought out bit.

Back to the story- Here we were on an overcast Saturday afternoon, in a Fantasy Gifts, perusing banana hammocks. W/Peppa’s helpa, I settled on something that looked like this guy, right here:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000C4YT0G/002-0640648-5906444?redirect=true

The sunbitchin’ cashier had to ring my card twice…then call it in. (Let’s not embarrass baby P too badly while waiting to buy his smut) We amused ourselves by looking over the delightful adult genital mold (Not..you know, mildew) kits. Something about dipping my package in plaster of Paris just so my lover has a little C and B paperweight doesn’t sound all that appealing.
After a delicious dinner of angel hair pasta/pesto/shrimp, two shots of tequila, and an iron resolve- I the show and sang "Age of Aquarius" from "Hair".

While taking my clothes off.

‘Cause that’s what they do in that show, dontcha know?

It's just too bad we didn’t have a full house. Or maybe it was better that we didn’t?

Yeah. Prolly better. Methinks I'm not well-suited for hammock work.

We hit the ‘Mad for a post Fringe nightcap and called it an evening. Too much adrenaline wore me out.
Sunday pissed me off. I had started the day with the only intention of laying some concrete when KA-boom…all day rain. All. Day. (Does anyone else hate walking into a store like Cub or Rainbow after it’s rained and your rassin’ frassin’ shoes squeek the entire time you’re in there? Just me, huh?)

We closed. (After I receive a cryptic message that a pint was waiting for me at Herks. I had no idea what it meant until I saw Trev-monster holding up the end of the bar) Mom came back along w/Ro and Co and they were thankfully spared the hammock viewing- (Funny thing- Mother chastised me on my choice of "bit")

I came home.

Had marinated chicky boob sammies w/sauteed veggies and discovered that my Grill is persnickety (FAHHHHK!) I do want to encourage y'all to hit the Farmers Market. It’s sick. The veggies look like they were grown at the Alamagordo test site they’re that big. After milling around the house like zombies, we hit the closing night celebration at Joes ‘round 10pm. Which is a pretty good frassin' time all around.

Although I've learned that my car is teh Fooked. (Double FAHK!!!)
Annnnnnnd. I’m looking at having a pretty lame ass start to my evening tonight.

So. Mixed bag of ennui, frass, joy, and embarrassment. Welcome to mid-August campers! And happy Montag!


(In other news? CONGRATs to Tech and Portana who became engaged this weekend! You kids ROCK!)

Quick Notes

Note to self: "4.5 minutes is a little too long to put your soup in the 'wave."
Not to lips and roof of mouth?:

Sorry... : (

IN-teresting...

Hmmmm. Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm...



http://www.startribune.com/789/story/604727.html


Children learn what they live, I guess.

Delightful Bathroom

They installed this great deodorizer in the 2nd floor terlet here at work.

Really smells nice.

The little things, you know?

Dare me...

To eat that new BK Quad Stacker. 4 meat patties. Cheese. 8 (count'em) 8 strips of bacon.

Yeesh. It seems like a "Simpson's" joke.

I think I'll hit up the Holy Land Buffet instead.

Won't be joining the Mason's anytime soon...

I tried my hand at cement mixing/pouring to extend my North side walkway into the patio.


In regards to mixing it? Let's just say that shit ain't oatmeal, dig?

And the amount I mixed? Four 50 lbs bags. Per normal...I grossly underestimated the # of bags I'll need. 16 more 50 lbs. bags I'd wager. That's only 800 more pounds.

My ribs hurt from trying to stir that crap.

Crap. I'm such a maroon.

It's that time, Fringer's

This is where I peeeemp my show. And the lil' diva inside me'll highlight the shows I'll be in...and a special star by the banana hammock show. I'm playing a guy named Garret Seaver...a cowboy with unusual singing talents.

From the good folks who brought you past Fringe successes Kung Fu Hamlet, 8/7 Central, and Zombiemania comes:

Project: Twin Cities American Next Top Idol Search!

Presented by No Refunds Theatre Co.

NEVER THE SAME SHOW TWICE! This summer, at the Minnesota Fringe Festival, contestants from around the world will compete for the chance to be the next No Refunds Superstar, and win ONE HUNDRED MILLION BAJILLION DOLLARS! See these starry eyed hopefuls conquer scientifically designed performance challenges that will transform your thoughts into happy emoticons! Each episodic performance welcomes a new crop of contestants; the winners advance to the semi-finals, and the losers are put to death! No matter who wins…we keep your money.

All performances at Intermedia Farts- A scent free venue

Saturday 8/5 at 7:00 PM
Sunday 8/6 at 10:00 PM
Thursday 8/10 at 5:30 PM
Saturday 8/12 at 10:00 PM *
Sunday 8/13 at 4:00 PM

Yeah...Epic.

I know. I'm regurgitating online. Forgive. 2 more things:

#1-I just helped the ladies in reinsurance remember all of the marshmallows in Lucky Charms. No shit. I'm that guy. Furthermore, I went on to tell them about how I think Cap'N Crunch should be renamed "Toasted Golden Razor Blades" due to the fact that they almost ALWAYS cut the s#it outta the roof of your mouth, and how we used to eat the less 'spensive version of it as kids: King Vitamin. That was some honkey s#it right there, yo.

#2- "Ambassador of Douche". That's just so I remember the term. Way too funny not to share.

NNO! What a brother know?

Wow. My roommate is maniacal. Fanatical. Or just...insane?

He's been excited for National Night Out since he read the Audubon Neighborhood News that said you could obtain a free permit if you registered your block b4 July 17. (*Which he didn't. BUT, the man called and hounded 4 different people before they acquiesced and waived the $100 late registry fee. Guys. If you knew 'Bean, you'd understand that it just doesn't fit his M.O.)

He put the bug in our accordian playing neighbors ear that polka music would be a welcome addition. (And subsequently requested that every time I see him, I verify that polka music is still "On". Every. Time) Started ordering up the paperwork needed, obtained permits, papered the neighborhood (Making early a.m. visits up and down the street.) And the guy pretty much refuted all of my offers to lend assistance. (Except that it was all gonna be in my name, and I was to print off 70 copies of "Warning" notices that the street was gonna be blocked off) I saw him outside shakin' hands and introducing himself to our Somali neighbors (Who, I think, I've only threw the casual wave toward in my 1.5 years there) Really? Not the same guy who I rented to in January. And really? It made me smile an awful lot.

On Sunday he was frassin' and bitchin' about the Tuesday night forecast (Hitting the steering wheel: "Gahd. Fahk. It better not rain! No. I hope it rains and then stops, or maybe...maybe it'll rain overnight and be dry the rest of the day?")

And then Tuesday? The thing our lawns and flowers desperately needed but which caused dread and frass in the poor 'Beans soul. Thunder. Boomies. And a forecast of showers. All. Day. Long.

I get home and he's pasted to a weather website ("Hey! This says it'll clear up in 20 minutes!" Followed by "Hey, did you see that the street is flooded?") My mom calls and tells me that her block party was cancelled, and the way the downspouts were over-FuhLOWIN' I was preparing for the same thing.

And then? Something quite strange and wonderful happened. Well, 2...no 3 things.

First- 'Peppa showed up.

Second- His Fredliness and Magrooders came trouncing up the back walkway.

Third- The rain. Stopped. At 7:30pm. Exactly when the 'Bean said it would. (And it didn't start again until well after midnight.)

"I need to borrow your car so we can tie off the barricade" was his halcyon cry. And just like that, the 1st annual Taylor St. Block Party was born. Tables and chairs were set up in the street. People brought out munchies. Beer, Cocktails, and Margarita's served in glasses the size of your head were imbibed. (In spite of our friendly police presence) Nametags were worn. Introductions were made. It was kinda kinda special.

Oh. There was polka. Oh yes. Peppa and I polka'ed which regressed into uncomfortable arms-length junior high dancing. Which got caught on video. Oh, that reminds me, the weirdest of weirds- the Nordeast Paparazzi showing up.

So I go in the house to change and when I go back outside there were the Nordeaster photog's snapping pics and 'Bean is pointing some guy with a microphone and camera at me to answer a couple of questions. (So tune in for the abridged version of baby P telling the good folks on public access why he feels NNO is vital to help build safe communit...yeah I was that guy. And I probably looked bald. And gay.)

So all told, a rather successful evening. Thanks, in part, to one tenacious roommate. I almost feel bad for sealing off his bedroom using the leftover yellow police barricade tape. Almost.

Hot ball$!

Hard to say it was an "epic" weekend when you don't wanna set foot in the out of doors. For serial. 110 degree heat index? Oof. The mega hot weather has got my car acting frassy (Apparently, transmission fluid can boil. Therefore, Baby P's car likes to rev up to 4,000 rpm's without going over 30 mph. Fuck. Like taking my car into the shop is something I can get excited about. My tummy turns at the prospect after working so hard to save $. Whine, over.)

So what to do? Same thing we do in it's freezin' ba11s outside- Movie nights for buddies.

Friday- "The Libertine" coupled with Thai veggies and RED curry this time. So adventurous, trying the red and all. Let's see. Johnny Depp. John Malkovich. Period piece. Seemed like a hot ticket. Really, it was kinda "meh". Don't get me wrong, they all acted the heck out of it. And the mood, and the costumes, and the make up, and the lighting (Lit entirely by candles, dontcha know? Fascinating.) da dah da dah da dah. After it was done I said "That felt like it would have been a better play" and sure enough- Based on a play. (Doi, P) Plus, the director douche decided he wanted to shoot it "documentary" style rather sweeping/epic dolly shots like most period films. Shoddy.

Skip it, y'all. Seriously. It isn't an overlooked gem. Even if you want to make wild hot humpies with Mr. Depp.

Sats- I cut my pitifully blonde lawn. More rehearsal. More car vroomy vroomy frass. (Sorry MD, for not making it out to the BBQ. Too hot to move) We snuck in a clandestine visit to the BBP (Thanks Redwright) B4 heading home.

In a sweeping turn of events, Peppa cooked dinner for movie nacht zwei!

The movies: I opted for TV shows this time, promising myself that I'd get caught up on "Fuss" shows. (Or, "What's all the fuss about") "Deadwood: Season 1" and "Da Ali G Show"
The Food: Greek Pasta. (Chicken, Artichoke hearts, olive oil, tomatoes served over penne.)

The food was teh good (Thanks again, Pepps) "Deadwood"? I think I (Or maybe the good peeps at Video Stardom?) fucked up, since I ended up with season 2 and we had a bitch of a time trying to get ourselves involved with these characters and their relationships. It seems like it'd be good? Maybe? Ali G though? Okay. Fine. You win. Funny shit. Couldn't take it. Laughed my a$$ off. Gonna need to see "Borat" now. "My seester is number 2 or number 3 sex in mouth in all of Khazikstan..." Wow.

Sunday was all day frass. 'Bean was kind enough to cart my a$$ to the Depot to load up his loaner truck with mulch (Seriously? That thing is bigger than he is. I mean. He doesn't even come up to the cab) 2 trips. 36 bags. (20 for dad). 4 transplanted tree's. 50 feet of weed barrier. And 1 case of heat stroke. (So. I was hydrating myself. 6pm rolled around and I hit a wall, is all. Did you know when you get heat stroke that birds look like they are flying in slow motion?) We invited ourselves over to the WW ranch for some more float time b4 calling it a night.

Did I mention I finally drug my cottage cheese buns out to run? On Saturday. And Sunday. I am a machine. 100 above or 20 below...I'll f#ck up the mean streets of Nordeast.

Hoo. It was hotter'n a b#tch, though. Hope y'all stayed cool, my babies.

Bud

Anyone remember that Budweiser commercial from yeeeeears ago? It came out during the time when every director was having a blast messing with historical figures by creating dialogue for them and making their mouths move with it. (ala' "Forest Gump". Foreskin. Hump.)

Anyway, the punchline was Fidel Castro was making a speech and it was comic gold. It ended with Fidel doing this kind of shrug and saying "Fidellllll. Forgettaboutit".

My dad used to say that over and over again and crack himself up. Drove us nuts.

Oh Raggedyman....

Y'know...

I like Mel Gibson a lot. I won't even lie to you. He's a man-crush I'm not ashamed of admitting to. (Or my love of big-'splosion-blow'em-up action movies either) I'll even go so far as saying that I like about 95% of his films. He was so frickin' cool in the "Lethal Weapon" franchise, and I even like part four for what it was worth. "The Passion". Labor of love. "Braveheart"? Doi. And it was only last year that I frassed with another actor on an overnight shoot about the "awesome" factor of "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome" ("We're quite a pair, Raggedyman") He's funny. Gives hilarious interviews. He's a good movie "runner". (I won't bore y'all with this, but seriously? Some motherfuckers look plain stupid when they run in the movies. Watch Steven Seagal. Guy runs like a retarded velociraptor.) So yeah. Mel. Go Mel.

But.

I'm reminded of the phrase an old co-worker told me. "You know something? 1 'Aw Shit' can obliterate 50 'Attaboys!' " I think we were talking about Clinton at the time.

Dude.

Dumba$$. We're all human and he had a relapse and he's experiencing remorse but still...

Dumba$$.

Losing track of time...

I had the best of intentions last night. So much to do, so much to do...

Mopes popped over for dinner b4 leaving for rehearsal at 7pm. After she split I figured I'd take a quick powerhouse nap before getting along with my business.

Big mistake. Let's see, she left at, ohhhhh 6:45-ish? I picked up my book and started to read when...that's all I remember.

I rolled over to look at the clock and it said "9:48pm" and it was pitch black in my room. Odd, I thought. I must have fidgeted with the buttons when I was sleeping. It's probably more like, ohhhh, 2:30 a.m. (See, my brain was processing the time like it was laaaaate, late late.) So I get up, use the biffy, and promptly plop back into bed.

To which I woke up again at approximately 3:00 a.m. What...the...f...?

And I was up. The rest of the night into morning. No amount of visualization/deep breathing/meditation was going to put me out. So I finished my book. Got up earlier so I could get my lunch ready. Showered. (The one thing I regret not doing before bed. I felt itchy when I woke up) And basically felt like a nincompoop for the weird insomnia...

I'm chalking it up to being sick. Or stressed. Or both. Boo.

I need to find...

A tasteful banana hammock.

Discuss.

Burf...

I was at Walgreen's a couple of days ago and saw this by the front register:
http://www.stupid.com/stat/MRLW.html

Marshmallow burger? I nearly threw up in my mouth a little but 'cause I'm a curious cat I almost was tempted to buy one. Almost.

Cut to yesterday, in the Home Depot parking lot. And strewn haphazardly into the cart corral was a half-eaten one. It wasn't even half eaten. It was like, a bite was taken and thrown away. (I couldn't verify this by spying a "spit out" chunk, but you get the drift)

Next to "lil Chubs", Gas Station hot dogs, and shot gun jello? This has got to be the most retched looking food I've seen.

Burf

Ouchable...

Sore. So sore. The mechanics of raising my legs to bring me up a flight of stairs is proving difficult. There is so much lactic acid burning in my quads, and my hammy's feel like stretched piano wire. This just isn't cool.


Friday night was a blast. Pepp's came over to finish Hari Kari Potter over some home made Thai. (Purposefully making additional servings so as to have left overs. Yeah, that happened)Then it was spitting the bit to Erte's lounge for cocktails and elbow rubbing with the brotherhood of evil actors. (I keed, I keed. Note to self: Self? When you've created an African interpretive dance to someone's nickname, they might not get it if you perform it in front of them. Cool?) The following Guthrie gala was pretty cool too, and MAN do they put out a spread- Had I not been so self-concious regarding our dinner earlier, I would have eaten my weight in sushi. (And it was nice that Matt and Carolton were there, since we had pretty much snuck in. OOOOO, Mr. Ari was there and get's mad props for his dirty joke telling abilities. Killed me.) So yeah. The space is cool. Very art deco. Mopes and I went around looking at the pics from productions past, enjoyed our free beverage, and called it a night. (Thanks, 'Bean, for letting me use your parking badge.)

Rehearsal for the Fringe nearly made me burst a vessel from laughter. I bid a fond farewell to Gabe-pril who's heading off to CA for film school. In a last minute moment of hatred, he managed to film my "audition". Which means I won't be surprised that if somewhere...down the road...there'll be a picture of me... singing in the Illusion theatre lobby...wearing only my underpants. Class Act, P. (Good luck Gabe. I hate you. I really, really, really do.)

After the briefest nap of naps, we took in "Bingo" where I was able to snag a polka with one of our seat mates. And oh do those sexy seniors know just what to say...Thanks for the free tix, Ry-gonn. You were, as always, HI-larious...but your wife is funnier. ; P

Which brings us to the soreness.

All. Day. Lawn frass. I dug holes, planted tree's, ripped up sod, made two-count'em 2 Depot visits, laid ground tarp, wood chips, lifted bricks, set bricks, brick a brack, frick and frack...

Yeah. I was a dirty, sweaty mess. It took a goodly amount of time to get the dirt out from under my fingie-nails. But it's done. Although I do have to dig up and re-plant my lilac (Neglected to read the instuctions "Plant in the sun". So I gotta move the shady lilac to the shady spot and the sunny lilac to the, oh you get the drill)

Oof. I hope to have a pretty yard. Someday. 'til then, I frass.

5 things5 Things always in my purse /briefcase:
1. Planner
2. Carmex
3. Pens
4. Work ID
5. Ibuprofen

5 Things always in my wallet:
1. Driver's license
2. Credit Cards
3. Phone # to audio blogger (Don’t ask)
4. Elvises DL5. Picture of my g-ma Rose

5 Things always in my refrigerator:
1. OJ
2. Egg Beaters
3. Wine
4. Vegetables
5. Fat Free Butter

5 Things always in my closet:
1. Coats
2. Shoes
3. Spider-Man Costume
4. Tuxedo’s
5. Board Games

5 Things always in my car:
1. Kleenex
2. Jumper Cables
3. Blanket
4. Hand Sanitizer
5. Karate Gear

Tag...you're it.

5 (or more) Things always on my desk: (at work)
1. PC
2. Change dish
3. Katana letter openers
4. Pics of family
5. lotion
6. Lots of "job aids"
7. Pens

Hmmmmm....

Dare I?

Wear all black tonight?

I very well may.

‘Cause that’s how I roll, Tootsie....

Big weekend, pampie-frassers.

Heute abend ‘Pepp’s is popping over to finish HP 4 and to nosh curried veggies mit rice. (I swear that I’m no addict) Then we spirit away to meet ‘Dino and Grimey to see how their radio debut went. (Which I should probably pimp: Listen tonight from 6-7pm on 107.1 "Undiscovered Diva’s" to hear them frass. If you like’em, vote at their website. I now return you to my regularly scheduled madness) Then we spirit squared because "Oops…sorry we can’t stay. You see we have a pair of super secret tickets to attend the Guthrie Opening Night Gala."

What’s that you say?

How...Baby P, pray tell, did you get in? How? Please...tell!

Did you "move heaven and earth" to get there? F#ck an usher? After hearing so much frass about how it's so important that you, as a working actor, need to capitalize on these opportunities...lest you not be taken seriously. How, for the love of GODDESS did you manage to get into the opening-night-gala of the illustrious "Ikea on the River"...instead of, say, washing your hair? Did you ssssseeeellll your ssssooooulllll?

Fuck no.

Roommie has a part time gig working in sales at the new G. The funny thing is, I’d actually forgotten that he even invited me until I ran into him this morning. I know, I know...sarcasm aside. I’m a bad actor. And a bad schmoozer. I won't leave your side, sploosher.

Sats I was thinking about MOA-ing for that Renny Renny Buck Buck preview, but then remembered "Fuck…I have fringe-hearsal" and later that night I believe Ry-gonn hooked me up w/comps to "We Gotta P0rn0"…(If you read this, break a leg buddy)



Sunday? 100% pure frass. Landscaping…and if the weather holds I’m gonna try my hand at cement mixing. We’ll see. Hoooooo Boy we’ll see.

Have a good weekend ladeez and gents. Relax if you can…I won’t be.

> : (

ps: Please tell me y'all are doing something more fun?

Kiped from Portana...a "Blue" list! (Real answers at the bottom)


1-Had sex with someone ten years older or younger than you? Hell no. 35 to 40 years…yowza. Love me them sexy seniors. Grrrrrowlza!*

2-Drawn from a nude model? I’ve "With"drawn from a nude model, but only because they were holding a gun at me. Hey, I didn’t know that when the robe comes off it wasn’t an open invitation to HEY OHHHH!**

3-Had sex at a company Christmas party? If by sex you mean "Got tipsy and made an ass of myself" then yes. ***

4-Had a blind date? Yup. Deaf too. (And here, RSvP is where we insert the awful HK jokes) ****

5-Slept with a teacher? Hell no! I went straight for the Superintendent! Go big or go home, I say. *****

Bonus (as in optional): had sex with someone within an hour of meeting them? Yeah, but it’ll probably never happen again. It's too cost prohibitive. Fast-Acting roofies are 3 x’s more expensive than the regular ones.******


* Had a close call once- After sharing a pitcher of IPA with a friend I was solicited at Prestons by a woman who was, I think, 21 or 22 years older than I? (I was 23 at the time) I just remember standing up and getting ready to leave with her when my friend hooked his thumb in my back belt loop and said: "No dude. No."

**Ugh. I had an ex draw a picture of me nude. I didn't pose for it, Ya perv's, and I remember that she was very proud that she drew it from memory. (Short memory...cough cough). I’ve contemplated painting a nude female silhouette picture for that antique Dykeman Frame to hang in my house, though. Don’t ask. The nude feminine form in art fascinates me in a big bad way.

***Most of the companies I’ve worked with have never had X-mas parties. Maybe if you count the Theatre X-mas party…where I got chummy with a gal. I mean, not at the party but several months later. I need time to build up my old cheap moves, you know?

****I frassed about this one. It was really on a whim, and it was the roommate of a girl my big brother was dating circa 1994. Really cool girl, name of Mo. (Funny, right?) Had a great day. Great date. And never saw/spoke to her again. And I guess technically I went out with someone last January on a whim and it felt very "datish"…same deal though. My track record with blind dates isn’t so good. I’ll stick to the seeing eye dates from here on out, thanks.

*****Too weird. Although I told Moseph’s that her friend (And former HS english teacher) buddy Leynie would definitely have been crushworthy in high school.

******Seriously now. My all new old cheap moves take years of planning, and months to implement. It would take a woman at LEAST an hour to make the determination that I’m not completely psychotic. Just mostly to partly psychotic with a chance of afternoon showers.

Kiped from Portana...a "Blue" list! (Real answers at the bottom)


1-Had sex with someone ten years older or younger than you? Hell no. 35 to 40 years…yowza. Love me them sexy seniors. Grrrrrowlza!*

2-Drawn from a nude model? I’ve "With"drawn from a nude model, but only because they were holding a gun at me. Hey, I didn’t know that when the robe comes off it wasn’t an open invitation to HEY OHHHH!**

3-Had sex at a company Christmas party? If by sex you mean "Got tipsy and made an ass of myself" then yes. ***

4-Had a blind date? Yup. Deaf too. (And here, RSvP is where we insert the awful HK jokes) ****

5-Slept with a teacher? Hell no! I went straight for the Superintendent! Go big or go home, I say. *****

Bonus (as in optional): had sex with someone within an hour of meeting them? Yeah, but it’ll probably never happen again. Fast-Acting roofies are 3 x’s more costly than the regular ones.******


* Close call- I was stopped after sharing a pitcher of IPA with a friend when I was solicited in a bar. I think she was 21 or 22 years older than I was? I just remember standing up, getting ready to leave with her when my friend hooked his thumb in my back belt loop and said: "No dude. No."

**Ugh. I had an ex draw me nude. Never posed, but she was very proud of it nevertheless. I’ve contemplated painting a nude female silhouette picture for that antique Dykeman Frame. Don’t ask. The nude feminine form in art fascinates me in a big bad way. Chill, pervo’s

***Most of the companies I’ve worked with have never had X-mas parties. If you count the Theatre X-mas party…um, I got chummy with a gal. I mean, not at the party but …later. I need time to build up my old cheap moves, you know?

****I frassed about this one. It was really on a whim, and it was the roommate of a girl my big brother was dating circa 1994. Really cool girl, name of Mo. (Funny, right?) Had a great day. Great date. And never saw/spoke to her again. And I guess technically I went out with someone last January on a whim and it felt very "datish"…same deal though. My track record with blind dates isn’t so good. I’ll stick to the seeing eye dates from here on out, thanks.

*****Too weird. Although I told Moseph’s that her friend (And former HS english teacher) buddy Leynie would definitely have been crushworthy in high school.

******Seriously now. My all new old cheap moves take years of planning, and months to implement. It would take a woman at LEAST an hour to make the determination that I’m not completely psychotic. Just mostly to partly psychotic with a chance of afternoon showers.

He just gets weirder with age.

So I've, uh...taken to a new habit at work. "Breaking up with people to get my way".

Guys.
Girls. It doesn't matter. It's actually kind of cathartic.


Example Pample:

Baby P: "Hey! Someone brought in Trail Mix! Sweet!"
Co-worker Ali: "Ick. I don't like trail mix..."
P: (Throwing arms up incredulously) "Whaaaaat? How can you NOT like trail mix?"
Ali: "It has raisin's in it, and I don't like raisins"
P: (Fighting the urge to fit a "Better off Dead" quote in the conversation.) "No? What about grapes?"
Ali: "Nope. Sorry. Don't like those much either"

P: "Well. I. Just. That's it, Ali. We're done. I'm breaking up with you..." (P storms off. Ali laughs...rather confused)

Quick Congrats!

To my friends American Eitel and his Weefy "The A$$ Grabber" who welcomed their newest addition Noah on 7/20/06. Tinaynay? Have a beer, darlin'. It feels like you've been pregnant for almost 2 years.

; )

Turning the mundane, into frass...

A bulleted evening, by your truly-

-Came home from work. Ran upstairs to clean the remaining glass.

-Instead of automatically turning on my PC (to check p0rn...I mean email), I decided to do my vaccuuming first. (I'm a thinker. Thought I might blow a fuse)

-Got the glass cleaned up. (Did I mention I have an unnatural fear of broken glass? I hate it. Makes my short hairs cringe)

-Then turned on the fan and my PC.

-Just started in on my emails when I heard a loud BANG! which I thought came from inside the house. The PC and my fan shut off. Then come back on a moment later.

-I get up to start my way downstairs to see if it did, indeed, come from inside. Georgie-kitty meets me in the stairwell.

-"BANG" number two happens. Power goes out completely. Nada. Georgie scramble-frasses into 'Bean's room, schnell.

-Still unconvinced that it didn't come from inside my house, I head down to the basement.

-Oblivious to my own stupidity, I try the lights.

-I stumble-frass to the basement, checking the fuse box. I try flipping the main, splitting my thumbnail in the process. I start bleeding.

-Heading upstairs, I try making a decision as to whether or not it's worth my time to move perishables to the freezer in the interim. I'm convinced, CONVINCED that whatever happened to the power it will self-correct.

-I pour a glass of wine. The one perishible I'm certain will spoil before the situation get's rectified within 5 minutes.

-Still not sure it isn't "just my house", I head outside.

-I see all the other Nordeast prairie dogs heading outside looking bewildered. Baby P breathes a sigh of relief.

-Trying to do my best "Omega Man" impression, I throw my arms up in the air, fall to my knee's, and cry "Noooooooooooo!"

-Cement is not comfortable on the knee's. The Somali family across the street stares and shakes their collective heads.

-Half my wine spilled out of my glass doing that little stunt. Alcohol abuse, right there.

-I text Redwright, Mopes, and the 'Bean furiously to inform them of recent tragic current events.

-Heading inside, happy in my knowledge that it isn't just me, I figure I need to make some decisions. Jog? Nap? Call ExCel? I remember dad saying that ExCel will charge you for even making a phone call. So "No" to that. The torrential downpour that starts up again 86's the joglet.

-Quick phone calls from Redwright and 'Peppa.

-In the kitchen, I stare...sadly...at the Boca burger I was going to have for dinner. I munch chips.

-Following the only logical path in the absence of technology, I go upstairs, grab a book, read, then start to nap.

-Power comes back on 20 minutes after it original shut down. My perishables are safe.

Epic. But it doesn't beat the time last year when that mini-nado swept through the Schwinn Titties...knocking out power overnight. When it was a bajillion degree's in my house. And I pretty much spent the evening "in the buck" with candles everywhere. Cops might have thought I was performing a sacrifice or something.

I'm a danger to myself...

So my sleep patterns are fooked. I don't know why. Whether it's clenching my jaw in my sleep 'til my mouth is sore the next day, having fooked up dreams about beetles, or giant snakes, smacking 'Peppa in the middle of the night, making snow angels with the quilt, sleeping through torrential hurricanes.

Weird.

The topper has got to be the other evening. I get up for a 3 a.m. bladder evac, reach over for the glass of water I'd brought up before beddy-bye when (swoop. Mimes hand going through thin air.) nada. "Where'd my water go?"...methoughts. I turn on the lamp, and there...all over the floor...is broken glass.

What. The. Fuck?

So I begin the sleepy process of cleaning up the fenster shards all over the ground/rug, (Love that hardwood.) leaving the miniscule pieces for when there is more daylight.



'Bean comes upstairs last night before I hit the hay again and asks "Did you hear that loud loud crash last night? I could have swore someone was breaking in the house. I even got up and went all around with the lights on seeing if any windows were busted it was that loud!"

I smiled at him. Then held up and shook my plastic one litre water bottle in his direction.

"Guilty"

Weird spam...

So this was in my work inbox. 'Pepp's believes that it is clearly an ad for a peni$ pump, but I think it may very well have shades of something more...sinister? Discuss, or use it to create your own masterpiece.



" largely by the Master and they did not particularly please the dwarves,
but in the meantime they were well contented and they quickly grew fat
and strong again. Indeed within a week they were quite recovered, fitted"

What the heck does this mean, Corky?

Seemed like a good idea at the time...

I thought I'd have a pithy/intelligent review today about "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" but our plans were thwarted by the onset of (A) The fact that the show was sold out when we got there and (B) Chino's Happy Hour is indeed the bomb-shite. ($2 glasses of house white? Are you serious? $4 sushi? For serial?)

So I'll give you some week-old frass that I shoulda gone into last Wednesday: "I am My Own Wife" at the Jungle.

It was pretty amazing.

What works:
The story. It seems like such a weirdly simple premise: "Transvestite spends his life dressed as a woman, survives WW2 AND living inside East Berlin during the Cold War-avoiding persecution the entire time. "

But the way it gets played out is both fascinating and compelling. Couple this with B.G. playing multiple characters. I entered the show not a big fan of "one-person shows" (Not the best for the ADD addled. Hard to follow) but this guy is a RI-diculously talented performer. His embodiment of Charlotte, the interviewer, and so many of the characters was exquisite.

The bad?

Not much to say. While the story is fascinating, I thought the way the narrative was strung together was a little (just a little) weak. Sometimes even disjointed. That, outside of one of his characters being quite a bit weaker than the rest, this show is a much see. Check it out if you can.

Mmmmm Listy

1. Worst damage you ever took in a fight? Bruised rib. Wind knocked out. Broken/Bloodied nose. Choked til tap out. Nougies kicked. (Here's an image. Baby Boy sitting on his couch with frozen peas over his tender bits.)
2. Most money you ever owed a utility company? Well...when the old roomie left I was in the hock until I could get caught up. Let's just say I'm happy I'm on the energy saver plan.
3. Last time you got kicked out of a bar? The 90's wouldn't let me in back in January stating I was visibly intoxicated. Problematic, to be sure. However (1) The whole point of my going in the frassin' bar was for a cheap drunk and (2) This is the 90's, right? I mean, don't they want drunk boys to float around?
4. Longest time you slept in a car? I passed out in my car when I was in college. I don't know how long, but I was covered in frost.
5. Most f*d up nickname you've ever been given? Massa. Ish. "Doc". (Why? Oh, right. My initials. Original) "Grower". "Pasty".
6. Worst job you ever had? Shilling tuxes rates up there. I've had some bad gigs too.
7. Shortest job you've ever had? Contract day gigs. I was in a live industrial where I was onstage for (literally) 3 minutes, and I still got paid the same $ as the other actors who had to be there for 3 hours. Boo. Yah.
8. Longest romantic relationship? 3.5 years
10. Food that you would eat till you puked? Sushi. Seafood. Seasoned French Fries.
11. Food that even looking at makes you puke? Monster Thickburger or the Ginormous Meatwich.
12. What music saved your life? MPR. Just, MPR.
13. Person you miss the most in the world? Kinda wish J-bird was in town.
14. Worst movie you've ever seen? Yeah. Um, since I was with her and the crew when they saw it, I'm gonna say "Ultra Violet" too. Shit-Tastic.
15. Best movie you've ever seen? "Waiting for Guffman" or "Princess Bride". Classics.
16. Craziest stuff you've ever done sober? A lot. A lot a lot. I'm bonkers, honkers.
17. Ever almost die? Repeatedly. 1977, 1989, 1999, 2000.
18. Ever fistfight a member of the opposite sex? Yup.
19. Best place you have ever lived? Nordeast Mipples.
20. Worst place you have ever lived? Medora, NoDak.
21. Bad habit you have. I swear an awful lot.
22. Noise that makes you want to punch people? Kids screaming. Adults Frassin'. So many. Blessed is silence.
23. Your favorite tattoo? Herve' Villachez
24. Least favorite tattoo? Anyone who has a swastika
25. At your poorest, were you a ramen noodle or Mac and cheese aficionado? Ramen. Even though I'm still pretty debt addled, I'd rather pony up and get some Creamette Pasta with meatless pasghetti sauce.
26. Most money you have ever spent on a single meal? I imagine the 5-course dinner I had last fall in Boston (And the..ahem...refillable glass of chard that showed up every time I blinked) was prolly pretty pricey. But oh so good.
27. Best gift you ever got? Oh...many.
28. Best pet you ever had? I love my Georgie Kitty. (The ferrets were technically RSvP's, but we liked them anyway)
29. Ever run from the cops? Yup. Apparently we weren't supposed to be partying on the jungle gym at 1am while drinking. Funny enough, they were there to find out if it was my car that was sitting on the side street with the door wide open. (It was)
30. Money or love? Love-Money

I'd like to say...

For the record.

That I think X3 was pretty good. I'll even go so far as to say that I'd even see it again in theatre's...'Kay, maybe not. Maybe a matinee. Definitely gonna buy it on DVD.

And that, pampers, is the start to my weekend.

Frids: 'Peppa was sweet enough to treat me to din-din at Erte' (God that place is so yum-yum.) before she needed to spit the bit over to her Scrimshow. In the interim, I thought..."Well shit, P. You should go see a movie." So after a quick naplet, it was off like a prom dress to the BC Regal Theatre for some solo movie watching. That's right. My first foray into seeing movies by my lonesome. I know, I know. "A lot of people do it P. You are far from one of God's Most Special Creatures for seeing a movie by yourself" Shup. It was very liberating, thank you.

Sats was quite the busy day, with rehearsal/shopping (Post Pay-Day grocery trips are fun and exciting. Christ, between this and seeing a movie by myself for the first time, you'd think I'm a changed man! No, folks. I'm just ridiculously easy to please.) then a barbecue at Chutney and Pad's, then home for some chill.

Saturday night I smacked Mo in her sleep because I dreamt a pincher beetle was attacking me in the bathroom and was too nimble for me to sqoosh. The look on her face was priceless. Sorry hon.




Sunday? Well, if we're continuing the tradition of being "easy to please" as the topic du jour- I'd like someone to tell me what's cooler than lazily loafing in bed on a Sunday a.m. when there is a light booming thunderstorm in the distance. Anyone?

Right. S'what I thought.

Sunday...We got haircuts together. That, folks...has got to be the silliest date ever. ("Did you take that hair gel from another station?"/"Yes?"/"Well what if THEY came over and just TOOK one of your neck wraps?"/"We share"/"Oh.")

It was a day of manual labor frass while I frantically got my pit of a house ready for some p.m. company. MD, M2, Peppa, Bean and I grilled (She whipped up some bad-ass poultry burgers that I dropped the hell out of. And yes, love. 'Bean and I agreed that more jalapeno' would have been cool), frassed (How many times can I annoy my date by stroking her face?), and contemplated whether or not MD and I should throw on our sparring gear and whoop it up in my backyard. (Probably smart that we didn't. My backyard looks like a demilitarized zone.)

And today...having had dinner with a pair of genetically gifted fitness models, I awoke at 5am and did a shit-ton of crunches. 'Cause that's how I roll.


It was hotter'n a bitch out this weekend. Swea-T-Bells hot.

Happy Birthday, Rusty!

Wish you were here....

Thanks for, you know. Stuff. Helping me breathe.


XOXOXOXO

NEW WORD FRIDAY!

I've decided that in place of saying something is "cool", or "good" I'm gonna say "Shatner".

"How you doin' P?"

"Shatner..."

"Did you watch the new Superman movie? It's so Shatner".


"Hey baby, that outfit looks sooooo Shatner on you."

Try it out. Give'er a whirl. Helps me.


In other news- Stay cool this weekend and keep the animals inside. It's fixin' to be hotter n' a bitch out.

In other, other news- If you don't have any major plans 'round 10pm tonight or Saturday night go see 'Peppa in the Scrimshow at the BLB. They're remounting their "24" spoof and it was pretty Shatner.

In other, other, other news...I start rehearsal this weekend, have a shit ton of projects to complete b4 having MD over on Sunday for a small-be-Q. Spicy Chicken Burgers and red curry marinated chicky boobs. A totally Shatner spread.


STAY COOL! STAY SHATNER!

Happy B'Day..bidet...RSVP!

Today marks the big kid Bar Mitzvah Birthday of my big bro Ro! Last year I think I frassed a list of notorious events in Biggables life, but w/in the last 12 months much has changed for the both of us. I'd like, today, to tell y'all one of my favorite stories today, which sort of encapsulates my feelings about the man:

My mom was teaching belly dancing for a community ed class years and years ago. Ro and I were sent outside the building in order to wait for her class to end, and he was left with explicit instructions to "watch me". There was a jungle gym across the street from the center, with the kind of metal tubes and wooden poles that enticed little kids to embark on a knee-scraping adventure, so I went tearing ass across the street...oblivious to the two teen girls speeding along on their 10-speeds.*

Whammo.

I remember flying toward one of the wooden pillars, then stars, then nothing. When I slowly started to get up (getting full on ready to scream bloody murder) I looked down in the gravel to a steady stream of blood apparently fauceting from my face. I dizzily turned around, to get my bearings and head back to find mommy, when there...arms raised in the air, fists pumping, yelling "I'm gonna kiiiill yooooou!!!" at the top of his lungs...running his 7 year old ass full bore after the two lil' gals. (Who at this point had discarded their wrecked bikes and were high-tailing it away from the scene of the accident, and the once and future ninja.)

My hero. Protecting the honor of yours truly.


See folks. Within the last 8 months, Ro has proven beyond doubt or question that he is an incredibly honorable and wonderful man. And wicked funny. You shoulda seen him in the kung fu shows.

I love you biggs. Happy Birthday!

Congrats if you make it through this meme...

Ganked from the Callboard.Frass

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? There are no doors on my closet, dear Liza.
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Yes.
3. Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room? If, by "it" you mean steal the soap, yes.
4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Yes
5. Do you like to use post-it notes? Yes
6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Always
7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? A swarm of bears.
9. Do you always smile for pictures? No. Pouty Petunia's make for funny pictures.
10. What is your biggest pet peeve? People who take things/themselves too seriously. Lighten up. Don't be so sensitive. And people who are disrespectful, judgemental, or arrogant. People who revel in those traits need to be slapped. And I have just the mangled open palm to do it with.
11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Out
12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk? No
13. Have you ever peed in the woods? Does a swarm of bears s#it in the woods?
14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing? Always. It’s beautiful
15. Do you chew your pens and pencils? Yes
16. How many people have you slept with this week? If by "slept with" you mean steal hotel soap-None.
17. Do you like popcorn from those big tins? No
18. What is your "Song of the week"? "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. Or "Sunday Morning Frassy Pampies" by Maroon 5
19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink? 1984 called. Don Johnson wants his shirt back
20. Do you still watch cartoons? Oh. Yes.
21. Whats your favorite scary movie? Just one? Does "Jaws" count?
22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? On the Isla Del Monte Cristo
23. What do you drink with dinner? This…is the dumbest question yet.
24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? I’ll pass. Gimme the satay skewers with peanut sauce. 25. What is your favorite food/ cuisine? Seafood/Asian
26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Original Trilogy Star Wars, Ghostbusters, LoTR, etc...
27. Last person you kissed/kissed you? Moses
28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yup
29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? In a Will Ferrell way, yeah. (Airbrushed abdominal muscles are hot.)
30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? My brother’s birthday card?
31. Can you change the oil on a car? Yup.
32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Yup
33. Ran out of gas? Beewoop Beewoop…already answered this one. 1st car.
34. Favorite kind of sandwich? Grilled chicken, marinated in something yummers
35. Best thing to eat for breakfast? Egg Beaters with a lot of vegetables
36. What is your usual bedtime? My bedtime is unusual
37. Are you lazy? Terribly
38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for halloween? Spider Man, Peter Venkman, Indiana Jones, A bunny
40. How many languages can you speak? English fluently. Followed by German (conversational) and tiny smatterings of Spanish, Japanese, and Chinese. I'd love to be a polyglot.
41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? No
42.Which are better legos or lincoln logs? Legos
43. Are you stubborn? This question is racist
44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman? Who?
45. Ever watch soap operas? No
46. Afraid of heights? No
47. Sing in the car? Yes
48. Dance in the shower? If by "Dance" you mean "Have Sex", yes.
49. Dance in the car? If by "Dance", you mean "Have Sex", then yes.
50. Ever used a gun? Yup
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Does the photo booth in Wall Drug count?
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Nope. I think Cheese is delicious.
53. Is christmas stressful? It’s my motherfuckin’ birthday, bitches! Remember this year, ‘kay? 54. Ever eat a pierogie? Yup.
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apfel or Blueberry. I like cheesecake better.
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Forensic pathologist, freelance photographer for the "Daily Bugle", US Army Special Forces, an Archeologist (Until I found out they don’t usually wear fedora’s or carry bullwhips) Huey Lewis, a Ninja, a Magician, a Ghostbuster. My brain rank is #1.
57. Do you believe in ghosts? Of course.
58. Ever have a deja vu feeling? Totally…have you asked me this question before? That’s soooo weird.
59. Take a vitamin daily? Several. Multi-vit for active boys, Echinacea, Ginseng, NO2 (Cycled tri-weekly) and occasionally sublingual B12 drops.
61. Wear a bath robe? Yeah.
62. What do you wear to bed? Regular boxers, or raw.
63. First concert? "Weird Al" Yankovic at Valleyfair. Geef was at the same one.
64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart? Pamida.
65. Nike or Adidas? Old School Puma’s
66.Cheetos Or Fritos? Baked Tostito’s, bitches.
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Sunflower Seeds, Mulder.
68. Ever hear of, "gorp"? Yup. It’s awesome.
69. Ever take dance lessons? Yeah. Shup.
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? That would mean marriage. And that would be: Frass-No.
71. Do you have a crush on someone right now? Shhhhh, I no tell!
72. Ever won a spelling bee? Yup. I remember every fucking word I messed up, too. Fucking "Remembering"…fucking "Mackerel"…so I spelled it "Macker-AL"…the Oxford English version CLEARly states that that is an acceptable spelling. District 279 bitches.
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? I don’t know if I can cry any more.
74. Own any record albums? Quite a few, actually.
75. Own a record player? Somewhere?
76. Regularly burn incense? Yeah. I’m a hippy.
77. Ever been in love? I love everyone. I’m a lover.
78. Who would you like to see in concert? Prince
79. What was your last concert you saw? Sia
80. Hot tea or cold tea? Hot, please.
81. Paris or Nicole? I’d like to visit Paris someday.
82.Favorite kind of cookie? Chocolate Chip
83.Can you swim well? Fuck, yes. I’m part dolphin.
84.Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose? What?
85. Are you patient? Yes and No.
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? I’m not going to be able to get away from this, am I? Band.
87.Ever won a contest? Yup. I ate more raw oysters than RSvP once.
88. Ever have plastic surgery? No. Deal with my looks, people.
89. Which are better, black or green olives? Black. On Pizza
90.Can you knit or crochet? Crotch-it?
91. Best room for a fireplace? Den
92. Do you want to get married? #92 is really getting on my nerves.
93. Last Wedding you went to? My best friend Ry-gonn.
94. Who was your HS crush? Who wasn’t? I was a crusher.
95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? No. Quit yer bitchin.
96. Do you have kids? Nopers
97. Do you want kids? Not really.
98. Whats your favorite color(s)? Blue
99. Do you miss anyone right now? Not really.
100. Who do you wanna see right now? A winning lottery ticket.

So this is weird...I'm looking in my underpants drawer this a.m., and I couldn't seem to find any that I wanted to wear. Am I losing my mind? I mean, there were the themed skivvies, the silk boxers that I never wear, the natty banana hammock briefs that I usually don for karate...but no boxer briefs.

Come back to me, underpants...

This is interesting...

I had to break into my own house yesterday...

So my roommie was out for the night on Sats, so Sunday a.m. right before I headed to home # 2 to pick up some more topsoil and pretty posies I left a note in case he came home while I’m out and about.When I get back, I see his car there so I head in to get changed into my lawn frassin’ garb when…Oops! My front door won’t open. I leaned on the doorbell for hours, knocked, threw my shoulder into the door. (Right...break it down, P) And I even got a little worried. (Was 'Bean okay? Did the old roommate show up and change my locks?) FORtunately, I was able to pop the window screen in the front (Thankfully the window was open) pushed in the couch, and slid in all ninja like. (Raking my frassin’ scratched shin on the window sill. That’ll wake ya up in the morning)

I gently bounded up stairs to make sure the ‘Bean was alive….and there he was. Passed out. Belly moving.
“’Bean?” said I.

The man didn’t bat an eye.

Gone to the world.

Later I told him all about it (Much to his guilt and chagrin) and informed him that our deadbolt works like a charm, and that he should try not too take the issue of home safety so seriously.

One of my favorite places

The Farmer’s Market.

It’s a taste sensation. Seriously. A couple of bucks, and you have enough roughage for a week. I love the smells (Cinnamon, Brats, Incense), the people (So frassin’ ecclectic), the hippy dippy artisan shit (No, I don’t need that turquoise native American necklace…but I still want it.) I’m even thinking about investing in a man bag to bring with me that I can put all of my produce in.

It made for an awesome curry dinner last night. (Curried veggies over jasmine rice. And yes, we did make the curry appropriately this time.)

Maybe I’ll see you there some Saturday or Sunday morning?

I'm a big fat clod

This is what I do to myself.

Due to being stuck in ‘hearsals for so long, my house was getting gross. Like, laundry was lying about. Grass was overgrown. Weeds everywhere. Fucking…dust. Hairball piles. And for anyone that’s familiar with my obsessive-compulsive tendencies will understand that this is unacceptable as hell.

So Saturday A.M., after a quick trip to the most loverly place in the world (Read: Farmers Market) I decided to kibosh ‘fu in lieu of some hard core house frassin.

While taking care of the aforementioned list (Including warshing the runner rugs, which had only acted as a receptacle for cat barf lately) I started to realize that I was slowly running out of time. So by mid-afternoon I started to fear that I wouldn’t have half the shit done that I had planned, and therefore I kicked it into overdrive.

Which is the point where I should mention that, in cleaning /dusting the hell out of my hardwood stairs, I first cleaned them top to bottom. Went to go get a new rag. BOUNDED upstairs full tilt when WHOOP! Hit a slick spot in my socks, going ass over teakettle and making a faceplant on the top stair. Yes. It hurt. Yes, I have precious little skin left on my shin. Vain actor that I am, I bolted into the bathroom to see if it left a mark. (It didn’t) And it was then and there that I became "that guy". That percentage of the population who gets (sometimes) seriously injured doing projects around the house.

I suppose this really is a stupid and long winded story, but where it get’s better is (That evening) when I was doing the show I flopped a little too hard down on a chair and I caught a metal corner right on my butt bone. It now hurts to sit. And later that night, (And this is really how ‘tardo I am) I thought I had an ingrown hair/pimple on my face… that I was desperate to find and pop. So I’m picking away at my dad gum face like I’m gonna find something when I realize: "Hey…there ain’t no pimpa pimpa! That’s where you decided to head butt the top stair with your face!"

And I cut open my finger trying to open the bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. That f#cker hurts. Right on the joint. I really need adult supervision. Badly.

Hey P! Does your face hurt?

‘Cause it’s KILLING me!

Boring ol' MeMe

1. Last thing that you burned while attempting to cook?
Toast, or prolly something on the grill
2. Describe yourself in 3 "S" words:
Sinful, Sassafrass, Snarky
3. How long does it take you to get ready for your day?
Seconds
4. Favorite place to blow $50.00.
Sadly, the Grocery and Liquor stores. It usually means I'm getting ready to have a party.
5. How many people have you thought were " the one"?
Neo?
6. What is something that turns you off from the opposite sex?
Arrogance...big turn off. Being judgemental is nasty too.
7.What kind of car do you drive?
A Saturn POS
8.Whats in your cd-player /Ipod right now?
The “Blackbeard, for Instance Awesome Mix”
9. What celebrity would you like to have coffee with?
If, by "coffee" you mean "sex", I'm gonna go with the ol' stand by Jennifer Connelly.
10. What celebrity wouldn't you have coffee with?
All of them. Like I’m gonna meet a celebrity.
11. What kind of toothpaste do you use?
What the fuck kind of question is this?
12. What time do you go to bed?
Too late.
13. Last movie you saw?
"Harry Potter 2: Electric Boogaloo” last night.
14. Last TV show you watched?
I don’t
15. Who is your best friend?
I have best “friends”. I’m a pluralist
16. Who in your family do you best get along with?
I don’t like this sentence structure.
17. Who do you have a crush on?
I'm crushing your head
18. What time is it right now?
Do I look like a clock to you? Clocksucker.
19. Are you planning a vacation / travel ?
Always. Jabas and I frassed about a Disneyworld trip just this last weekend.
20. When where was the last time you traveled?
Rapid City So-Dak! Pictures available on request.
21. How many times have you been in love?
Several
22. How old will you be in 10 yrs?
10 years older
23. Where do you see yourself in 10yrs?
10 years older…and hopefully debt free.
24. Sinful snacking weakness?
Everything. I’m a compulsive snacker. (See Mikeyp, circa July 4th at Redwrights house. No pinwheel went unscathed. I was a snacky frass. Oh, seasoned french fries'll get me too!)
25. Roller coaster?
Is the word “roller coaster” meant to be an interrogative?
26. Ever run out of gas?
Once. The very first outing in my very first car.
27. Ever been on a train?
Yep
28. Ever been on a blind Date?
Nope. I’ve seen every one.
29. Ever been to Europe?
Yup.
30. What would you do if you could be the opposite sex for one day?
Um…Take a long bath?
31. Would you tell anyone it was you?
If I farted? Probably
32. Ever been arrested?
Nope.
33. Have had a crush on anyone you work with?
I'm in theatre, people. Doesn’t this shit happen to us regularly?
34. What is something you believe in?
Unconditional Love. It's the greatest.
35. What is something you fear?
Fay-Le-Yur. Losing my house.
36. Big or small?
Grower
37. What is the worst physical or emotional pain you have ever experienced?
I had a pretty bad headache on Saturday night. Emotionally? You know… I had a bummer Dec/Jan.
38. What is your favorite television show?
Is the “A-Team” still on?
39. Tell us something about your childhood?
Magical
40. What would it cost you to flash the person next to you?
Is it Thursday already?
41. Best time to catch you in a good mood?
Post Coitus...and that would be my out loud voice.
42. If you could be anything for one day what would it be?
A superhero 4
3. Most prized possession?
My house
44. Would you ever sell it?
I plan on it, yeah.
45. What are your pet peeves?
People who take shit too seriously. Seriously. Lighten up. And laundry.
46. Favorite kind of Ice Cream?
I’m addicted to Javalanche.
47. Coolest thing that happened to you today...
I woke up.

Bad Patriot's...

You wouldn't think I was based on the old Patriotic Rushmore visit....but....

4th of Joo-lie brought my second Happy Birthday America party at the casa del WW. Hanging with some of my favorite people, frassin' in the Big Blue Moat, soaking up the sun, cocktailing, and eating make this a "must attend" hot ticket. (And frick, the weather was fixin' to be go-jus!)

'Bean, Mopeppa, and I headed over and per normal were the first guests to arrive...and lord...did they have a spread. So. Much. Food.

The day was incredible. The sun was beautiful. The food was AWEsome (I et my weight in pinwheels.) The company was top-shelf frassable (Jabas, LSA, Geikelbergs, TLC and BD, The whole WW clan, Musgravables, and the Eitelrickson's just ta name a few.)

What never really occurred to me that, for the most part, I'd spent pretty much 5 days in a row in the sun. By 5pm...a combination of sun, full belly, wine, and frass meant P=tired pumpkin.

After engaging in the hug/kiss Minnesotan good byes that I'm so fond of (Especially where you circle the group a SECOND time for a SECOND round of hugs and kisses to the chorus of "I thought you were leaving 10 minutes ago?") We made the perilous...PERILOUS...3 block trek back to my place for a very much needed nap before hitting the fireworks display at St. Anthony Main. And nap we did. Hard.

Then I was nudged awake at 10:15pm. With fire-boomies softly cackling off in the distance. We missed, fireworks. (Technically we saw the grand finale as we hopped in the car and hustled through DT Mipples...but missed the meat of the shebang)

"We're bad Americans..."


I hope everyone had a happy 4th! This years? In spite of missing the boomie boom's? INfinitely better than last year.

I.J.S

Pampies, Road Trips, And other whimsies...

(Note: I made this in "serial" format, for ease of reading...)

Well we’re back-ah. It was an amazing trip from day 1, and I want to start by thanking ma and pa for the use of their pervertible. (I was almost sad when I had to trade it back) RSvP for the use of the camping gear, and finally- the great state of SoDak for being…um, South Dakotlian. I’m gonna regurg the trip day bidet, and if I leave anyting out Moped’ll prolly correct me via comments or on her own FriendlyBlogSpace dealio…(And I’ll have pics up eventually. Eventually)

Friday...day one

After a stop at our banks and some a.m. java we were off. The weather stayed ridiculously nice, and I’ve have discovered a new vehicular love in the form of cruise control. Air temps reached 104 degree’s as we periodically slathered on the SPF 30. Even came close to a little sunstroke.
And after a while? You start to lose track of the number of Wall Drug and "Visit Rushmore" signs. Pushy signs.

"Can you imagine actually living here?"

We pit stopped in Wall Drug before making our final lap to the camp. Looking in the rearview mirror, I was amazed to see that my hair had actually started dreading itself due to the wind whipping. (I gave it a half assed brushing and nearly pulled out half the hair on my head.) 1st stop, we sallied up to the Badlands Bar for a celebratory refreshment. There were several purty young gals working behind the bar, all with very distinctive accents. I was convinced that the bar was a front for a Russian Mail Order Prostitution ring, but before I could continue my frass diatribe Mo-ped asks: "Where are you from?"/"Russia" (She was a college student, you see)/"What brings you all the way out here to South Dakota?"/"It’s Central"

Can’t argue with that.

After some picture taking, bumper sticker getting, and gift shoppe-ing, we bid our adieu to the Drug of Wall. "Can you imagine actually living here? I’d pray for death…daily." We finally arrived at the KOA, checked in, and set up camp…just missing the cowboy poet. It was a really nice campground (In spite of one side being natural beauty, and the other being a privacy fence where you could see suburban houses) A brief hot tub dip (Mo Fo was the Clorine-iest) and it was hay-hitting time.

9 hours in the car’ll do that to ya.

Day two was meant fer hiking...

I know breakfast isn’t a great topic to start off with, but I need to tell you about the magical cowboy pancakes. Imagine a breakfast that is only $1 All you can eat cake-age. I asked the good cowboy Horton (Who was in the process of making a magical pony pancake for a little girl. BTW, he can and will make you a Spider Man Pancake if you want.) what the record number was.

"Some feller done et himself 28 pancakes wunce." "28?". "Yup". "I think I can beat him". (I didn’t. But I did eat me some cakes. Needed some fuel for the day, knowwhutI’msayin?)

Moseph and I would watch the new pankcakers arrive and try to guess how many they would eat ("I’d peg that guy at a solid 17." "Ummmm, I don’t think so. I don’t think he’ll get past 15…wait. Shit, he’s getting biscuits and gravy!") When we were done, we decided to plan our day…which can seem daunting when it’s two flibbertigibbets doing the planning.

We knew that we wanted to hike. (And we knew that a 1.5-hour jaunt to Devils Tower would invariably be 3 hours out of our day for driving.) We knew we wanted to see Rushmore. So Mo the diplomat went and asked the cute campground boy for fun, leisurely day hikes. So, he points us in the direction of Custer Park and Harney Peak. ("Horny Peak? That’ll NEVER get old!") Apparently this place is the highest point between the Appalachians and the Rockies. How the highest point is deemed "leisurely" is beyond me, but we wanted to get out and move so we moved.

You know, I’ve always seemed to remember Rushmore as being a tad underwhelming. You know? I was wrong. Way wrong. There they were. The guys. ("Look. Roosevelt’s wearing a mini-yarmulke."/"I think that’s for fireworks, hon") We meandered down to the Borglum muesem (If you’ve ever driven I-90 out West, it’s the museum that is advertised almost as much as Wall Drug. Threatens you, actually. Practically calls you a Commie if you don’t go.) It was actually pretty frassin’ cool. We checked out the whole shebang, and stopped for a moment to read all of the famous presidential quotes.

"We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."

And we cried a little bit. Just a little bit.

We had a brief M.O.F (Moment of Frass) after we left when it was discovered that we were almost outta gas. (Moses pulled me outta that one "Hey, if you’re gonna run outta gas you might as well do it when you’re on an adventure.") But we arrived at the trail head and started for the peak. The trail was top-shelf gorgeous, with flecks of hematite causing the footpath to glint like jewels. ("Is that broken glass?"/"Yeah. We’re on Broken Beer Bottle Trail") By the time we neared the peak, we were both pretty peaked out. (We didn’t pack any nibbles, and probably could’ve stood to bring a 2nd bottle of water) The last leg of the trail was a series of "too-high" granite stairs that lead to the peak. ("These aren’t stairs! These are like, foot and a half fuck-you’s!") After releasing some ballast (prrrrrt) we finally arrived at the peakable.

And it was beautiful. Spectacular even. And worth every step. The trip back down was infinitely easier, btw. ("I think I’m gonna go for a jog when we get back to camp"/"Sure, P.")

We did not, in fact, run outta petrol and we were able to get back to the cute lil’ town of Hill City. Instead of hitting the Presidential wax museum ("I’ll have too much of a desire to bring in a matchbook when we get to the 2000-2008 Pooch-Screwing Pressies") we opted to try a little wine tasting at the local winery.

There is a reason So Dak isn’t known for it’s wine. Ugh.

Fearing hunger would overcome us, we headed back to camp for dinner and it was here that we decided to have ourselves a movie night. That’s right. In the middle of Goddess and Nature, we peeled open the laptop and watched "Labyrinth" like we were at a drive-in. It was awesome.

Then…crashed.

For reference:

Rushmore:
http://www.nps.gov/moru/

Horny Peak: (Mo, did you see the plaque covering the dead guys ashes?)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harney_Peak

Labyrinth:
http://imdb.com/title/tt0091369/

I'd to take a second to point out a few things:

1) At the campsite across from us, there was a family of 6. Our introduction to the youngest came when we saw her barreling her toddler self down the road, wearing a lil’ white sundress, and a hot pink native American headdress over her bright blonde curls. All the while she was shrilly screaming like a bat out of hell, trying to run away from her two older siblings who were chasing her. (It sounded almost like a car alarm) While she was doing this, she was lifting up her dress to expose her diaper’s to the world at large. We gave the young thing dialogue, which was probably only funny to us ("NO. I will NOT be the sacrifice tonight. I was the Indian Sacrifice LAST night! EEEEEeeeeeeee!!!!") and I nicknamed the little pouty petunia "Pampies". And Pampies Pouted. The whole time we were there.

2) At the campsite behind us, a redneck couple set up one of them family-style two room tents that sleeps 10. That’s right. 2 people. Necks: Red. (Full on Kentucky waterfall on the man. Full-On stay up bangs on the lady.) They fought constantly. And set up the ginormous tent that was WAY more space than they needed. (Or maybe they did need the space?) The dumb thing even had Christmas rope lighting.

And they only stayed for one night. One.

3) A little button boy was running around the campground with his six-shooter cap gun shooting everyone and everything. I put up my hands in a "Don’t Shoot" gesture but the little fucker shot me anyway. Rather than play dead, I got up…and ambled after him with my arms out screaming "BRAINS!" like I was the living dead. Kid never came through our campsite again though.

4)Teenage boys and girls only work out at campgrounds to get tail. I’m convinced.

5) South Dakota wine still sucks.

6) Pampies bought an inflatable pool toy and the only time we saw here smile was when she was walking around holding the box it came in. A chase, again, ensued when her family vainly attempted to get it from her so that they could inflate it. More screaming. More pampie frass.

7) Every gift store in So Dak carries the exact same shit. Including Fry Bread. Go in one, you won’t have to go in any other gift store in So Dak.

8) Don't do pull-ups on the jungle gym under the watchful eyes of bikers. IJS

A day of leisure bunking...

We decided that our last day was going to be foot loose and frassy free. We were looking forward to a good campfire and the prospect of charred yuppie brats made both of us smile. Before we ambled over to the pool for lounging and the reading of progressive liberal literature, I headed off for a jog while ‘Peppa did some yoga-let’s-go-ga. It was a weird run, which happens sometimes when you’re in a strange town. I thought there was a dead rattler on the side of the road, but it was only a steering wheel cover. There were rows and rows of trailer homes, and someone’s backyard played host to 20 odd rusted out junker cars (Is there a body in one, I wondered?) I passed a place called "Crazy Rae’s Used Furniture and Casino", and what I thought was an aptly named store called "The Jug and Leaf" (Which I thought was a brilliant name for a place selling tabbacco and liquor. Turns out it was really "The Jug and Loaf", meaning Milk and Bread. Nice brain…Baby P.)

The poolside lounge turned out to be both a blessing and a curse, as both Mopes and I got WAY sunstroked. After a brief naplet, we both agreed that a trip to a DQ should be in our future. We headed into Rapid City ("Can you imagine actually living here?") where we…wait for it Portana…headed into the Rushmore Mall. I didn’t know a mall could have two country western super stores…but there you are.

And? It started SHIT pouring rain. Did I mention that?

While we malled, we hit a Suncoast where we talked each other out of impulse buys ("The Cutting Edge" for ‘Peppa…"Beetlejuice" for P.) and hit the Arcade for a sporting match of DDR. With our Skee-ball and Whack-a-Mole winnings (I whacked me the FUCK outta some Moles) we both got fangs, day glo rings, and a superball.

Back at camp, we had MOF #2, when it was discovered that the hurricane de-anchored our tent, and we took on water. (Mattress, Sheets, everything- Soaked. Luckily, the KOA has Onsite laundry facilities. Fighting the Pampie-Family for a dryer was a completely different issue) Brats were successfully noshed, and we opted to go on the most important journey of our lives:

Deadwood.

That. Town. Was. Awesome. Moses humored me by letting me visit Mt.Moriah Cemetery and Wild Bill Hickok’s grave so I could toss a penny on it. ("Calamity Jane’s buried next to him? Not like he got much of a choice in the matter, did he? He’s probably pissed") We missed the re-enactment trial of Jack McCall, we were still able to mosey on through town which can only be described as a miniature Reno. It was awesome, and a nice "final bullet" on our trip.

reference points:

Deadwood:

http://www.deadwood.org/OfficialGuide/AttractionsTours/MountMoriahCemetery/Index.cfm

Rushmore Mall:

http://www.rushmoremall.com/

So Long, KOA...

We packed. We left. We stopped in Wall (again) for the greasiest breakfast this side of the Mississippi Seriously- It was butter, with some eggs and hashbrowns thrown in for spite. You wanna fuck up a server in SD? Ask them if they have eggbeaters. I heard the crickets. And this gally must have only been used to dealing with seniors, ‘cause I swear she was shouting at us. "HOW Y’ALL DOIN? CAN I START Y’ALL OFF WITH A BEE-VERAGE?" We poked around some more store sand I ended up buying a "Badlands Bar" T-shirt , but not a bear hat. ("I don’t think I can justify buying this bear hat, honey").

The day was fixing to be another hot one, so we slathered up again before shoving off and heading home. ("Can you imagine actually living here?"/"Honey, shhhhhh") Even though the "Visit Wall Drug" signs thinned out, we were still being assaulted by "Visit Rushmore" billboards. ("Pushy fuckers, aren’t they?")

We decided to switch driving roles in Mitchell and do a quick stop in to see the Corn Palace ("What is this place?"/"Hell…Corn Hell") and to grab a beverage. This next part is important, and requires an explanation: How can a sports bar and grill, ONLY server beer and wine? Right. Before leaving, the server pointed us to the casino/bar across the street for our refreshment needs. It was classic. Sawdust on the floor. Brassiere’s hanging from ceiling fans. Swivelling barstools that pointed away from the bar, forcing one to hold onto the bar for dear life. Ann Geddes prints where the baby heads moved. ("What is that?"/"Pure...evil")

And get this: Advertisements for Midget Wrestling. Tonight, and tonight only. Apparently they came through last year and were quite popular. The midgies were billed over "Rockin’ Jake" and "Beautiful Girls" with some gallies glamour shot Xeroxed on there. A grandfather with his granddaughter across the bar informed us that one year there was mud wrestling. "Oh, midget mud wrestling?"/"Nope. Them’s was strippers"…("GrandPA! Do you HAVE to tell the mud wrestling stripper story a-GAIN?!") Having had enough of this supremely surreal experience, we bolted…but not before Moses tried to get me to buy the $2 trucker hat that exclaimed: "If it’s got Tires or Titties it’ll give ya problems".

"Can you imagine actually living here?"

5 hours later…We were home. Mipples. And a fitful exhausted nights sleep.
I really want to go back soon. Very soon.

For those interested in Mitchell- http://www.cornpalace.org/