Heyyyyyy buddies. This post contains a CW for body functions and descriptions you might giggle at if you're eight years old. There may be some discussing body image/dysmorphia and some ageism. Feel free to skip or scroll on past, as I won't be getting too grody here but it's hard not to discuss without some references to my bum bum.
A conversation the week beforehand with the clinic nurse regarding my pre-colorectal screening check in:
"Any other questions regarding your prep?"
"Nope, I mean it's funny that you spend your life being told to eat fresh fruits and veggies high fiber food and whole wheat and this is all: .No No. Eat ya white bread and organ meats nom nom! And no corn or nuts, but desserts are just fine."
"Yeah. Just foods that aren't high in fiber for the next few days. Stay away from the peanut buster parfaits"
"I also appreciated the clarification that stool means *poop*...that one went over my head" (Laughs in sarcasm)
"We try and be thorough. Ok, be here by 7:55 for check-in and remember a driver to take you home and give them the time frames for post-procedure recovery"
"No problem. Is it true you use air to help navigate the camera? Any chance you can use helium? I want my wife to be able to drag me out like a Macy's balloon"
(Much much laughter) "That's a new one. Don't forget you're prescription items can be picked up today at CVS after 1pm"
So about that colonoscopy...
So about that colonoscopy...
So the long and short is- I have lived this long knowing the benchmark age for getting colon cancer screenings is 50. In the last decade or so, that age has been reevaluated and pushed back to between 40-50 for your first colonic peekaboo, and to clear the air (passing gas, if you will….ha HA!) I think (along with your annual wellness visits) you should absolutely make an appointment to get your backside peeped. Unquestionably one of the more treatable forms of cancer if detected early like breast, testicular, or skin cancer (Get your check ups for those, people. And layer on the sunblock you nitwits still imagining you need that "first burn" of the Summer...I was that dude. And I was d-u-m dumb AND used to fake bake like a rube.) In the unimaginably convoluted world of American health care if you are over forty and have access to a preventative screening get it on the schedule and stop worrying about it. Which is what I am fixing to help with in this here article.
Like anything else it was out a procedure that was *out of my mental orbit* for as long as I remember . Something to see jokes about or in movies like “Fletch” (“Mooooooon River” Anyone ? Anyone?) I knew it was going to be coming someday and I knew I would be getting it. But like learning I should have stopped pulling out my genitalia at the doctor during my annual physicals with the expectant "Well?" face and pointing at my testes before learning they stop testicular examination at your physical after age 30-35? I didn't clock that I'd have a zealous doctor ask me at my most recent visit if I wanted to schedule it, OR that I'd say "Sure, let's do it!", and then it would be...like...here. Already.
Since 2006 when an adventurous and curious S.O. wanted to dabble in vegetarian cooking and subsequently got me past my fear of tofu, I've been pretty successful in keeping my meat consumption fairly low in the intervening years. Similarly I still maintain an active lifestyle, am regular, and figure if I had any initial concerns or trepidations my baseline self wouldn't have to worry too much. In short, a confidence born from the seeds of calorie and fat gram counting dysmorphia stemming back to junior high COUPLED WITH a mostly meatless diet had me thinking my colon was PRISTINE..
Still.
That's no guarantee. The devil cancer that has took so much from so many (myself included) can manifest in terrifying and sneaky ways. That guy with the pink solo cup up there that looks like it's permanently affixed to his face and always smells lightly of a bar was diagnosed (after it felt like a knife pressinfg on my tailbone for a few weeks back in 2008-9) with a "rectal abscess" on the top side of his butt crack that required removal. Not to mention that NOW I HAVE a new found discovery of anxiety, a wife, child, and more recently a sexy mirror held up by my doctor that said "You have parts that are going to start giving way whether you like it or not..." So mortality is on my mind these days.
Well, that dumb-ass confidence was about as sturdy as the pale ice over a puddle begging a kid to stomp it.
So how was it?
I should have mentioned this is a procedure that has been performed millions of times since screenings began in the 1960's and the NIH began trending them in 1987. So there's a precedent and I shouldn’t be worried…And while I don't remember my folx ever having their own (Mom discussing her mammogram's and dad's subsequent heart trouble starting around 1989 were the only big recommended doctor visits I remember)- I'm also at the age where my friend group has started to get them and social media makes those getting their first an opportunity to share detailed experiences and providing their own assurances that it’s NBD. Which I personally won't give you. Because I think I *also* have some other habits that I felt had me better prepared. (Thanks, aforementioned dysmorphia and ADHD having me hyper-fixate on the instructions) and would like to share to hopefully give some comfort to the colonoscopy-hesitant.
The Prep
Is something that I think I (and most everyone) fixates on. The starving, the laxatives, the potty time...(The funniest text being from a friend who asked "Are you power shitting water yet?" That's kind of accurate) My wife was kind enough to stop at CVS to grab my prep prescription and the following conversation text was received:
"Hey. Don't let me forget your prep stuff is in the back of the Kona. It was hard to close because the stroller is in there so we need to get it out."
The hell? Oh. It's in a grocery bag and OH...the appropriately named "Golytely" is..in..a Windshield Washer Fluid bottle. That's daunting.
I've been personally practicing fasting (a dumb, overused term IMO) in that I'm trying to be more food mindful and considerate in my consumption. I'm home full time, and since being in an office- setting you tend to become conditioned to 9-5 life with schedules breaks and a lunch period (TO EAT! QUICKLY) muscled in. So I thought maybe while I’m home I’d try seeing if I'm eating for the sake of eating, boredom, stress, or if I actually do it when I'm hungry. Turned out I don't eat a ton and am not super hungry when I'm actively thinking about not eating.
So what’s the week like leading up? It's basically eat what you want except healthy stuff and nuts. The day/night before the procedure is what people get worked up over and honestly, it wasn't too big of a deal for me. (Sorry. I know it's a your-mileage-may-vary situation, but if you practice a little here and there and you work the day before? You're distracted enough not to think about it. NOW A DISCLAIMER- if you have constipation or normally don’t go regularly or struggle- this - I have been informed by other friends- can be a little alarming and possibly uncomfortable. Like gassy, bloated, the actual act being a much more forceful experience than you’re accustomed to) I already drink a ton of water and coffee during the day so I was at least somewhat full-feeling and didn't really have the crabbies. By the time it was time to start the gallon jug (it tastes like..thick...really watered down yellow gatorade) I was in my comfy clothes and my wife was watching the kiddo.
I did start to *notice* food later in the day . My wife eating, the pizza I made for the kid. I even found myself muttering to the dog over his dinner bowl "Must be NICE little deadbeat...huh? Eat and poop WHENEVER you feel like it?? Huh? HUH?"
A little more...embarrassing...area I think I was ready for...was the Golytely. It is a lot. And my appointment being the next morning, I had to drink the gallon before I could go to bed. They give strict instructions I needed half starting at 6 and the 2nd half at 11pm. (Jesus.) To math map it out for you:
1 cup (8 oz) every fifteen minutes. That comes out to dosing four times an hour for two hours. Then two more (three hours) later. Factor in there, it starts to work within 30 minutes to an hour (again, for me.. And I'm fairly regular) So MY main thing to complain about was how late I was going to be up having bowel clearing toilet sessions . I went downstairs to start a movie around 830 and then another a little before 11pm. You (can) more or less anticipate 1-2 potty visits per chug. And whether you have a high or low "icky" meter, it's kind of interesting to see and feel that it's doing what it's supposed to do, which is make you have a clear pathway for the exam. I fell asleep for about 10 minutes before my final dose, and after finishing it and having a few more visits to the potty, came upstairs to bed around 130 in the morning. You also can't drink anything before the exam. So I shotgunned some orange powerade and water...which made me have to pee like mad and sleep poorly.
Is it awful? Well, if you saw the solo cup picture up there and can relate? It's honestly no worse than the kind of potty you have after binge drinking. Of which, unfortunately, I have some experience. But at least because of a kid, I had baby wipes.
The Examination
I got out the door to get the kid to day care early after a hot shower, a final evacuation, and a careful pick of more comfy clothes and a t-shirt with the Swayze-dog on it as well as cute undies. We had some modest terror when we were stuck in traffic and I mean "watching the clock tick by and go past the check-in time and thinking I went through this whole ordeal to have them say 'Sorry, you need to re-schedule!" But we got there, checked in, and it went pretty fast after that. Some initial questions, some gowning, some silly ass jokes (You're welcome, Fairview. No, the staff had NEVER seen the King of the Hill episode "Hank's Unmentionable Problem" or "Fletch"...) an introduction to the doctor (Who thought my idea to bring home a DVD or pictures to put on the fridge was funny...and having an "Only Fans" Page specifically for the procedure? Not so funny.), and before I knew it I was wheeled into the cold room and hooked up to an O2 reader, BP Cuff, and sedative insert:
Now, this was the 2nd concern of mine. The first was the deep-rooted nervousness about the level of invasivness of the process. Would it hurt? My anxiety was being kept in check by my talent for disassociating when I get in stressful situations, but my one grace was that I'd be knocked TF out. But the last thing they said was that, wait for it, your mileage may vary. Some people go to sleep and remember nothing. Some people are capable of minor adjustments and response to commands. Some people remain lucid and chatty and watch the process.
Guess which I was?
Anyway, I'm told the sedative would cause some memory fug but I remember everything, from seeing a really fast close up of my un-gowned butt (It was like a Sam Raimi close up with a fish -eye lens) as the camera went in and not super flattering, I remember asking them to name my polyp "Marjorie T#ylor Gr#en" if they found it (they found one), to joking that it was like having the sewer line at my old house get the video treatment searching for roots. There was some discomfort that literally came and went before I could mention anything, but that was like having a tummy cramp that subsided pretty fast. Then it was back in the room. Some goldfish crackers and chewable hospital ice (My favorite)...and that was it.
From beginning to end, it was about an hour and a half from the gown on, to getting my ride home.
Any questions? They recommend avoiding the urge to go gorging on your favorite meal (I opted for Caribou and a chocolate croissant, and some previously-banned veggie burger for dinner. And DQ. And some cookies. I have a sweet tooth.)
I feel like most things I get worked up over before the thing, it's less of an issue once it's in the rearview. And mostly because I'm a creature of habit (more so since the pandemic started three years ago and having a kid) so deviations tend to cause me stress. I kind of wish the doctor had said "This is the sexiest fucking colon I have SEEN!" but my never ending search for validation that buoyed me most of my life is trying to be satisfied like I was after my last physical when the doctor just sorty of mumbled "Blood Pressure looks good" - except here it was just an automated email note reading:
"Otherwise normal looking colon in appearance. No issues reported. Biopsy results in a week"
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