I'd to take a second to point out a few things:

1) At the campsite across from us, there was a family of 6. Our introduction to the youngest came when we saw her barreling her toddler self down the road, wearing a lil’ white sundress, and a hot pink native American headdress over her bright blonde curls. All the while she was shrilly screaming like a bat out of hell, trying to run away from her two older siblings who were chasing her. (It sounded almost like a car alarm) While she was doing this, she was lifting up her dress to expose her diaper’s to the world at large. We gave the young thing dialogue, which was probably only funny to us ("NO. I will NOT be the sacrifice tonight. I was the Indian Sacrifice LAST night! EEEEEeeeeeeee!!!!") and I nicknamed the little pouty petunia "Pampies". And Pampies Pouted. The whole time we were there.

2) At the campsite behind us, a redneck couple set up one of them family-style two room tents that sleeps 10. That’s right. 2 people. Necks: Red. (Full on Kentucky waterfall on the man. Full-On stay up bangs on the lady.) They fought constantly. And set up the ginormous tent that was WAY more space than they needed. (Or maybe they did need the space?) The dumb thing even had Christmas rope lighting.

And they only stayed for one night. One.

3) A little button boy was running around the campground with his six-shooter cap gun shooting everyone and everything. I put up my hands in a "Don’t Shoot" gesture but the little fucker shot me anyway. Rather than play dead, I got up…and ambled after him with my arms out screaming "BRAINS!" like I was the living dead. Kid never came through our campsite again though.

4)Teenage boys and girls only work out at campgrounds to get tail. I’m convinced.

5) South Dakota wine still sucks.

6) Pampies bought an inflatable pool toy and the only time we saw here smile was when she was walking around holding the box it came in. A chase, again, ensued when her family vainly attempted to get it from her so that they could inflate it. More screaming. More pampie frass.

7) Every gift store in So Dak carries the exact same shit. Including Fry Bread. Go in one, you won’t have to go in any other gift store in So Dak.

8) Don't do pull-ups on the jungle gym under the watchful eyes of bikers. IJS

A day of leisure bunking...

We decided that our last day was going to be foot loose and frassy free. We were looking forward to a good campfire and the prospect of charred yuppie brats made both of us smile. Before we ambled over to the pool for lounging and the reading of progressive liberal literature, I headed off for a jog while ‘Peppa did some yoga-let’s-go-ga. It was a weird run, which happens sometimes when you’re in a strange town. I thought there was a dead rattler on the side of the road, but it was only a steering wheel cover. There were rows and rows of trailer homes, and someone’s backyard played host to 20 odd rusted out junker cars (Is there a body in one, I wondered?) I passed a place called "Crazy Rae’s Used Furniture and Casino", and what I thought was an aptly named store called "The Jug and Leaf" (Which I thought was a brilliant name for a place selling tabbacco and liquor. Turns out it was really "The Jug and Loaf", meaning Milk and Bread. Nice brain…Baby P.)

The poolside lounge turned out to be both a blessing and a curse, as both Mopes and I got WAY sunstroked. After a brief naplet, we both agreed that a trip to a DQ should be in our future. We headed into Rapid City ("Can you imagine actually living here?") where we…wait for it Portana…headed into the Rushmore Mall. I didn’t know a mall could have two country western super stores…but there you are.

And? It started SHIT pouring rain. Did I mention that?

While we malled, we hit a Suncoast where we talked each other out of impulse buys ("The Cutting Edge" for ‘Peppa…"Beetlejuice" for P.) and hit the Arcade for a sporting match of DDR. With our Skee-ball and Whack-a-Mole winnings (I whacked me the FUCK outta some Moles) we both got fangs, day glo rings, and a superball.

Back at camp, we had MOF #2, when it was discovered that the hurricane de-anchored our tent, and we took on water. (Mattress, Sheets, everything- Soaked. Luckily, the KOA has Onsite laundry facilities. Fighting the Pampie-Family for a dryer was a completely different issue) Brats were successfully noshed, and we opted to go on the most important journey of our lives:

Deadwood.

That. Town. Was. Awesome. Moses humored me by letting me visit Mt.Moriah Cemetery and Wild Bill Hickok’s grave so I could toss a penny on it. ("Calamity Jane’s buried next to him? Not like he got much of a choice in the matter, did he? He’s probably pissed") We missed the re-enactment trial of Jack McCall, we were still able to mosey on through town which can only be described as a miniature Reno. It was awesome, and a nice "final bullet" on our trip.

reference points:

Deadwood:

http://www.deadwood.org/OfficialGuide/AttractionsTours/MountMoriahCemetery/Index.cfm

Rushmore Mall:

http://www.rushmoremall.com/

So Long, KOA...

We packed. We left. We stopped in Wall (again) for the greasiest breakfast this side of the Mississippi Seriously- It was butter, with some eggs and hashbrowns thrown in for spite. You wanna fuck up a server in SD? Ask them if they have eggbeaters. I heard the crickets. And this gally must have only been used to dealing with seniors, ‘cause I swear she was shouting at us. "HOW Y’ALL DOIN? CAN I START Y’ALL OFF WITH A BEE-VERAGE?" We poked around some more store sand I ended up buying a "Badlands Bar" T-shirt , but not a bear hat. ("I don’t think I can justify buying this bear hat, honey").

The day was fixing to be another hot one, so we slathered up again before shoving off and heading home. ("Can you imagine actually living here?"/"Honey, shhhhhh") Even though the "Visit Wall Drug" signs thinned out, we were still being assaulted by "Visit Rushmore" billboards. ("Pushy fuckers, aren’t they?")

We decided to switch driving roles in Mitchell and do a quick stop in to see the Corn Palace ("What is this place?"/"Hell…Corn Hell") and to grab a beverage. This next part is important, and requires an explanation: How can a sports bar and grill, ONLY server beer and wine? Right. Before leaving, the server pointed us to the casino/bar across the street for our refreshment needs. It was classic. Sawdust on the floor. Brassiere’s hanging from ceiling fans. Swivelling barstools that pointed away from the bar, forcing one to hold onto the bar for dear life. Ann Geddes prints where the baby heads moved. ("What is that?"/"Pure...evil")

And get this: Advertisements for Midget Wrestling. Tonight, and tonight only. Apparently they came through last year and were quite popular. The midgies were billed over "Rockin’ Jake" and "Beautiful Girls" with some gallies glamour shot Xeroxed on there. A grandfather with his granddaughter across the bar informed us that one year there was mud wrestling. "Oh, midget mud wrestling?"/"Nope. Them’s was strippers"…("GrandPA! Do you HAVE to tell the mud wrestling stripper story a-GAIN?!") Having had enough of this supremely surreal experience, we bolted…but not before Moses tried to get me to buy the $2 trucker hat that exclaimed: "If it’s got Tires or Titties it’ll give ya problems".

"Can you imagine actually living here?"

5 hours later…We were home. Mipples. And a fitful exhausted nights sleep.
I really want to go back soon. Very soon.

For those interested in Mitchell- http://www.cornpalace.org/

"24"

That's right. I just wanted to point out to all you guido's that in 24 hours I'll probably be up, at them, and ready to roll. Did I mention that Mopeppa and I are spittin' the bit and splittin' town?Thought so. I've mentioned the big things yesterday (Rushmore, Black Hills, Wall Drug)

There's bomb shit activities in SoDak....

Where we'll be:

http://www.rapidcitykoa.com/

Don't let Dorajar read these... ; )

http://www.blackhills.com/woodcarving/
http://www.blackhillsbadlands.com/presidential/
http://www.rushmorewaterslide.com/
This one looked cooler: http://www.evansplunge.com/
http://storyofthebison.com/
http://www.reptilegardens.com/
Do they pay you to fuck them bears? "Fear and Loathing" reference? No? http://www.bearcountryusa.com/

And this last question is an online poll. (Get on my online POLL! HA! Ugh. To early for pervy)

For my cold weather long pants do I want:
1-Jeans
2-Overalls
3-Kilt
4-Assless Chaps

I thought I'd try an interactive approach.

(Disclaimer: Not soliciting packing advice here, pipples. I know how to do that. Just making things lively on what is amounting to be "my Friday")

I may post from the road. I might not. Haven't decided yet.

2 Days

I can hardly stand it.
In 2 days I can leave town.
Leave Rehearsals.
City workouts.

To hop in a convertible and drive 8.5 hours to near Southern South Dakota for some campa campa camping at the KOA Kampground. They have a Singing/Poetry reading cowboy that also makes pancake breakfasts. Pan. Cake. Breakfasts.

Badlands, Wall Drug, Dinosaur Nat'l Park...Rushmore. (OMG, the people that'll be out there!)

Or I'll just sit poolside with a book, drinking a cocktail out of a plastic cup. Covered in SPF 30 and bug spray just...lounging.

I may have to scoop mo-peppa out of bed in the early a.m., toss her a$$ in the car, and head out of town early. Like, 5 a.m. on Friday? Damn I'm impatient.

Words of Wisdom from Papa P...

My dad just talked my ear off about "preparing for the worst" on the impending road trip- I just called to see if I could borrow their DVR to document our hijinks, and the following is what ensued:

Dad-"What if you show up and they gave away your campsite?"
P- "Dad, we made reservations online"
Dad-"Hah. (His laugh is kind of like I'm naive for planning "online", or not thinking of this next part which comes straight from the movie "Vacation") Live and learn, Mikey...live and learn. Just you wait...you two'lll show up and then they'll say: 'Well we don't have a record of this', and then you're screwed."
P-"Dad, that won't happen...it's confir-"
Dad-(Ignoring Baby son) "So yeah, I'll get that campstove for you, and some cooking pans. Mikey, when you're out in the middle of no where you'll be so Goddamn grateful you can boil some clean water to wash your hands"
P-"Dad, it's the KOA campground for Chrissakes! Tennis courts? Pool? Jacuzzi?"
Dad-"Oh Yeah, those are pretty nice...you'll probably get your own shower stall. Or tub. They'll charge ya a couple bucks to us'em though"

At least he's looking out for me.

; )

Overuse

I kill things. More to the point, I kill words. Here is a short list of terms/sayings/noises that are slowly (and some quickly) becoming endangered:

Calling people "Hookers" or "Racist"
IJS/INS
Making the sound effect "prrrrrt" (In response to just about everything)
Shit Ton

Um, yeah.

Today is a day...like any other

6/26/06

Eff Why Eye...Eye Jay Esssssss...

Proud Weekend

No, really, seriously.

Rotten weather frass kept me from getting out of doors Saturday afternoon to engage in hard core manual labor frass, BUT it didn’t keep me from having a stellar time at the No Refunds BQ where I ate way, too, much food. (I was a protein piggy, big time. The final tally was 2 Boca Patties, grilled chicky boob, a kebab, and what amounted to a whole yuppie chicken spinach feta brat. Which was damn tasty. Damn) The only let downs of the evening were (1) The MD/H-Bomb make-out session never happened and (2) Mo-ped kicked my hearty ass in pool.
Anyway, thanks to Gabpril and the rest of the yahoo’s for throwing the shindig. It was a blast.

Sunday brought P-Ride, which I hadn’t been to since frassin’ ’03? I think? Pride used to be a huge dealio to the Porkchops and I when we were younger. Ssssssteve the Gay Burrito made the epic trip from his WI farm to join me in parade/'mo watching and reminisching about Pride’s past. (Including the infamous Pride ’99 which many of us who are still living have great difficulty remembering the intricate details. Well... I remember drinking Chard shooters at 9am, Orley flashing the parade, ugly-assed queens, pictures in the big green chair, and walking...many, many, blocks...back to our car. Glorious) After a good 2 hours of watching, laughing, and frassing, ‘Peppa and the Jungle Bonny came toodling along amidst shouts of "Hey Perry’s…Looking Good!". She jumped ship and we headed over to Joe’s and the park for cocktails, restroom visits (I haven’t had to go to the baffroom that bad in aaages) and people watching. Mullets, hickeys, lube venders, and parrots were all spotted… In addition to a shite-ton of puntable puppies. In short: It was the Pridiest Pride in Pridesville.

After a pit stop at the Palacio del Peppa + the local ‘Bucks for fraps, we headed back to mi Casa for some patio BS. As the day waned, the Gay burrito jumped back into this burrito-mobile for the epic return voyage to the farm…And I’d just like to put out there: He bought a horse. He has become the Green Acres Gay.

Hope y’all had a happy Pride ’06!


*Please send your love to the ‘Peppa, who experienced a rainstorm freeway spin-out in her Peppa-mobile Saturday afternoon. She’s okay, albeit currently sans transport. Broken tire rods suck.

**Protein Piggy, btw

***This brings the Gay Burrito’s new tally of critters to: A horse, several chickens, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and a boyfriend

****I heart the following: Trader Joe’s Wine/Curry mix/Vegetables. I also heart my co-op yuppie chicken brats.

***** If you had forgotten that 6/25 is Happychristmasbaby’s half-b’day? Shame shame, I know your name. I was in full anticipation of spankings/open mouth kisses/general debauchery. (And here I was I was at Pride fer Chrissakes.) Instead the Gay Burrito points at me, laughs, and says "HA we’re OLD!"

: P to all. ‘Peppa remembered. Although for the life of me I'm not sure what to do with racist literature, a tinfoil wrapped ball of smack, and a broken salt shaker. ; )

A night of pool frassin'

Nibbles and Wine, Wine and Nibbles...and I demolished an entire plate of shrimp.

That was Thursday, when after a very warm day 'Bean, Peppa, and I converged on the neighbors pad for some frass and pool time. There's something cathartic in being able to sit around and flap your gums over veeno and niblets that escapes definition.

By the end of the night, I was a cold-monkey ('Tex and I froze our nuggies off in the pool. ) there were 2 empty magnums of Pinot and Chard, and several empty serving tray's covered in discarded shrimp shells.

Oof. The 4th'll be a buh-LAST!


Good luck, Redwright...

Frassy Friday

No wonder my car is frassy. Drive to Woodbury, drive to DT Mipples for a callback. Back To the 'bury. Then back to DT Mipples in hot-hot-hot rush hour traffic for an audition at Hey City. (Sorry if I missed you RSvP) Eh. Meh Beep woot.

Keep your fingers crossed on both, please. Really. The 2nd one especially, for my sanity. See me in person if you want a further explanation.

So, Pepp's came over to make me dinner while I got ready for this, um...party? (btw- I have a new love in my neighborhood co-op. It truly 'tis the bomb shite.) Thanks to her generosity, my fridge is stocked with TJ wine and fresh veggie niblets. We noshed black bean veggie wraps b4 heading out to a skyscraper party. That's right. 'Bean had some friends he had worked with that throw an annual solstice party, and were cool with him dragging us along. (He also brought his daughter and her BeeF, plus his date Ray-ray.)

And, um. So. Wow.


You know, I've been in some big frickin' homes. Mansions even. I've never, however, hung out in the top 3 floors of a down town art deco skyscraper. It. Was. Hot.

Seriously, here's me trying to be all dapper and upscale with my hipster ensemble and the rest of the partygoers are wearing jeans, T's, and polo's...

For serial, the top three floors. What a frassin' view.

Still didn't keep me from making a joke that I'd probably do nude jumping jacks in front of the window to see if I could make out my naked silhouette on the glass building across the street.

This is too good to not write...

Boo Ya! YAY SUMMER!

Last night we celebrated my dad's birthday at a little restaurant out in Wayzata called "Black Ford's". It was going to be me, my dad, and my mom until my mom called me at 4:30 saying that RSvP and Co were going to meet us at the restaurant as a surprise. Now some of y'all know that it took an act of Goddess to finally settle on where we were gonna eat (With dad perpetually pawning off the planning on P the lesser.) but we chose the aforementioned cafe. So, I call Ro and Co to confirm a 7:00pm meeting.

I show up, gussied for a Wayzata dinner. Mom and Dad are appropriately gussied as well. When dad "pops" open the back of the Explorer showing two dirty old lawn mowers he had brought home to fix.

"Mikey, gimme a hand here and help me get these out of the back of the car."
"Dad...they're kinda dirty and we're kinda dressed up"
"Gawdammit Mikey, throw on some gloves and help me out here"

So we frassed on getting them out, Dad providing me instructions on actually lifting: "Dad, for fucks sakes I don't need a tutorial in manual labor now this'll go faster if you use your breath for breathin' and not bitchin'!".

Already...Happy B'day, Mr. P

So this restaurant closes at 8:30. By the time I got to their place, mower-frassed, spot cleaned the grease/dirt from my clothes (Dad didn't bother. He's all man.) we were heading out at 6:59.
I get a call from Ro saying "Where R U & how long?". BTW- The vibrating buzz of my cell phone freaked my mom out. She thought there was a bee in the car.

Now, they technically only live 10 minutes away from this place. Dad, however did 2 Dad things which are par for the course.

1) He hates stop lights. He'll make a big circle just to ensure he doesn't have to wait behind the rabble. This has been playfully called "The scenic route", or "Pat, I'm gonna show Mikey some of them houses we drove past when we took Rocky to the park"

2) He was flipping through his coupon guide (While driving) when he came across 5 other restaurants that he thought were a hot ticket (Including Pannekoeken Huis) "Hey, we're right down the street from the Istanbul Cafe'!!! Mikey you like ethnic food!" Fearing we'd never make it, from the backseat I snatched the guide out of his hands and said "Dad, I think Honky Chevy's (mom: "Mikey LANGUAGE!") sounds like a hot ticket. And besides, this place closes at 8:30 so maybe we wanna just check it out quick to decide" (Subtly trying to get him to the restaurant and to the waiting Ro and Co.)

"GAWDAMMIT Mikey, you are being a real pain in the a$$ tonight!"
"Look dad, it's your Gawdamn Birthday (MIKEY, LANGUAGE!) if you wanna go to the frassin' McDonalds I could give a s#it. I'm hungry, frassy (What?), and I just wanna sit down at this place to celebrate your gawdamn 46th birthday"

Silence. 'til dad says:
"Denny Berry has a studio in this mall up here"
"Really? How's Whitney doing?"

And yes...he was surprised as hell when we got in there. And I got an apologetic hug before dinner. We did the P thing, and all noshed off of each others plates (Walleye sandwich, Sicillian Enchilada, Reuben, Spinach Ravioli, and a Raspberry Chicken Salad...just guess what I had) before heading back to mom and dad's for some wine, cake, and a recitive of the newest comedy show that Mom/Pop P discovered: "Man Bites Dog". Seriously. They did an entire episode. And you think I'm bad?

Love you guys! Happy Summer! Happy Wednesday! Happy birthday! My 1/2 Birthday is days away! Gifts can be in the form of pretty perrenials! (I keed, I keed)

Happy Birthday Daddy-O!

Since I’m ridiculously busy today with workstuff in addition to frassin’ with memorizing lines (South Dakota? Where are you? When are we going again? Soon?) I wanted to take today’s post to give a shout out to my Pa-tater! He celebrating his big-kid birthday today by frassin’ around he and mom’s townhome, and I get to meet them tonight for dinner at the Istanbul Café’. This is of course subject to change as the actual process of settling on a restaurant took the better part of a half an hour. What with the phone being passed back and forth between parents, my frustration born from repeatedly saying "Dad, it’s your birthday…YOU pick". Then there was his sneaky way of getting my mom to acquiesce to helping him clean their TH house top to bottom. ("What time are you and Mo getting over here?"/"Uh, dad, Mo’s with her folks tonight…it’s just me?"/"So, you’re ‘both’ getting here around 6:30?"/"Um, dad…I just kinda said"/"Just go with me here, Mikey"…you get the picture.) I was also called a "little sonuvabitch" b/c I was googling the restaurants he was suggesting as he rattled them off. ("Dad, if you’d just give up that stupid Webtv and get the actual Interweb you could be doing that too!"

Actually, they’d probably spend their days surfing. For two seniors whose fave pasttime is playing PC spider solitaire? Probably a dangerous hobby.

So here are a bunch of random dad facts to celebrate his big kid day! Enjoy!

-He’s hilarious
-To my chagrin, he’s quite the ladykiller (Back off girls, he’s taken)
-He’s uber tall…which p#sses my brother and I off to no end. (My friend Ry-gonn commented once "So where did you and RSvP’s height go?")
-He’s a storyteller. If you meet him, please get on his case to write his memoirs. Why…?
-He served close to 40 years in law enforcment. (Including the Eff Bee Eye!) The man has stories…which he will tell you…and he will talk…for hours.
-Did I mention that he loves talking.
-He loves finding new restaurants
-He loves going on daytrips
-He loves my hairy younger brother, Rocky…even though he threatens to send that stupid dog -home with me every time I see him.
-Even though it frustrates the pants off of me, he really likes my house and threatens to move in regularly.
-We used to play racquetball. There’s a funny story I can tell ya if I’m loaded where he threatened to moon me for "schooling him" and I…well, again…buy me a cocktail and I’ll tell ya.
-Was responsible for taking the family on cross country road trips, and subsequently is the reason why my fam has set foot in nearly all the contiguous United States and Canada.
-He’s a very ambitious cook. Not…always… good? (Spam stir fry, anyone?) but he loves frassin’ with recipes he finds in the newspaper and on the box/can.
-He looks out for people. I have a very vivid memory of him getting in the face of a dad who yelled at me for (probably) goofing around.
-Very Loyal. (Where do you think Frack and I get it?)
-Was my driving instructor before I took "Behind the Wheel". That Sumbitch made me (at age 15) drive through Uptown during the art fair. All I remember is freaking out at all the traffic, and him screaming out the window (GET OUT OF THE ROAAAAD! DRIVE! GAWDAMMIT!)
-He would frequently disclaimer "Mikey…don’t ever drive like me")
-He’s met Governor’s, Presidents, celebrities, foreign heads of state (Ask him about giving Gorbachev a hat sometime)


He’s kind of a character…Happy birthday Daddy-O. Love you.

Remiss, Rewind!

DOI! If I were any more of a schliemiel I couldn't live with myself!

One of my very bestest friends had a big-girl birthday on Wednesday, so I'd like y'all to show your love to FEEJ! The lot of us celebrated in style by flopping around the big blue moat at the WW palace.

Prezzies were opened (FYI, we got her some really...pink...animals. And HD gift card. 'cause, it's like...our second home.) Moped and I played otter. BBQ was gorged (Ohhhh, the guac was soo good.) and I was able to spend the night with some of my favorite friends in the world.

On a personal note: I've known-known FeeJ for a couple of years now. She was a piller of support during a really poopy time in my life, and that sort of behavior sears itself into your heart and deserves more merit and praise than any gift I could give her.

And she's gorgeous. FYI. If I could post pics of the night, I would. But, y'know...Luddite.

Happy birthday, FeeJ. The look on your face post-parachuting, was priceless!

Sorry, buttons.

Not much to say lately except for what happens on the weekends.

Life has been driven by: Work, rehearsal, house frass, exercise, and karate.

Yeeeah.

I actually kinda wish I had more free time for house frass, since the next couple of weekends are filling up with activity, toute suite. ‘Bean’s invited Moses and I to a swanky party on the roof of a downtown Mipples skyscraper (?) Friday night. Sats will be a Kung Fu Barbecue. Sunday I might get ta grill yuppie brats w/Cara-bear and her partner out in Stipples. Next weekend? The 4th? Camping Road trip for buddies. I get the distinct feeling that’s provide fodder for boo-too posty goodness. (Rapid City Sodak on the 4th? Pancake making cowboys at the campground? Rushmore? Dinosaur Park? Wall Drug? Mo-ped? This all equals= Hot. Ticket.)

Since I keep frassin’ in large bursts, I’ll try a different approach today- Food association. Being the budget minded bunker I am, I’ve taken to cooking a lot at home in lieu’ of restauranting…and also turning the evenings into movie for buddies nights (I have a lot of films that I need to catch up on.) So, without further adieu:

*Friday: Huge chicken caesar salad served on spinach w/fat free caesar dressing. Watched "The Aristocrats" (Only watch it if you don’t mind really, really dirty jokes. Really. "Should we be eating while watching this?" was the comment of the night) Followed by "Javalanche" frozen yogurt (the bomb) and a viewing of the original "Omen" on VHS. That movie is still creepy as hell. I’d forgotten that the 2nd Doctor was in that movie. And give it up for Atticus!

Saturday: No movies. Spent an early Father's day (Love ya, Daddyo) checking out my big-bro’s Prior Lake Palace (Frassin’ gorgeous, btw. Motherf#cker’s put a shite-ton of work into it.) We had salmon, rice, brats, and the best new snack to ever threaten my waistline: Tomato Basil Wheat thins. Stay away. We poured over potential cabin designs and I picked up some campin’ gear from RSvP.

I headed home to prep dinner which was? That’s right, my first foray into homemade Thai! Green curry with a shite-ton of veggies (Tomatoes, spinach, green peppers) and Teryaki Tofu. It turned out...okay? Here's a tip, and some famous last words: "That curry doesn’t look right. Maybe you should put another spoonful of the curry paste in it?" The directions, btw, called for one tablespoon. That was some hot, fuckin’, curry. Follow the directions, kids. (It was such an effort to actually eat it, we were exhausted by the end. Kaiser’s lucky we woke up long enough to make it to his b’day party. I'm lucky that I didn't burn a hole in my pants on Sunday)

Sunday, besides the house frassin’, I grilled wild rice turkey burgers and assorted snackables. (Chips, salsa, Wheat thins, and Cheese slices. Originally I thought I was having another couple of peeps over. More for us!) The film? "Mrs. Henderson Presents…" which was a verra cute film, and for the record ladies? The film does contain both male and female full frontal nudity. If you think a nude Bob Hoskins is sexy. Stuffed to the gills…I passed out early.

I have to run home now to get a cowboy hat for an audition today. I can’t believe I forgot it. Boo.


*Btw- Apparently we had a Katrina-esque down pour Friday night. CNN even reported on the 65 mile per hour winds and the manhole covers getting pushed into the air. (In addition to cars floating down the street) I came home from work, exhausted, and passed out. Sure, I heard a couple of thunder boomies and what might have been hail thumping on the roof? Slept, through it.

Rough-age

Prrrrrt. Saving money...passing gas.

Boy are my tattie’s sore. After Kung-fuking shit up the last month or so, I wanted to give my old bod-a-rino a week off of supplements and exercise to let it heal. S o what do I go and do? 1st day back on the wagon, I wailed the shit out of my boobs and back, then frass around with house-y chores and sure enough, I can barely lift my arms today.

But it sure feels freakin’ great.

Frids I had The 'Peppa over for a night of dinner (Penne pasta w/Grilled chicken) and some theatre at TRP. "Flaming Guns", btw, was absolutely hysterical, so much so that by the time the play ended, we were exhausted. (Go see the show if you can. It’s selling out like a mo-fo, but I can’t endorse that play enough. Tears of laughter.)

Sats found us schlepping around the farmers market for what is bound to be the 1st of many trips over the summer. $10 later and I had enough veggies to choke a mule. I spent the remaining part of my day house frassin’. (After GMIKFTH, I feel like I hadn’t cleaned really cleaned the place, you know? Those stupid things that get passed over when you're giggin. It was pretty grody-The dust was at least 2 inches deep, and I had a row of corn growing behind the sofa. ) So I went all Howard Hughes on my place and finally gave the germy’s a run for their money.

A Cheap Date night was in order (DVD and dinner) which meant veggie tortilla wraps. That’s right kids, Frijoles Negroes, Rice, Fresh Cilantro, ‘Mato’s, FF Sour Cream, FF Cheese, and red/yellow/green peppers. After not having really eaten all day, we were pushing the food in our mouths. Well I was. I'm a messy burrito. Mopes eats cleaner than I. We wartched "American Psycho" and passed the gassy hell out. Prrrrrt. (Well doi. Did you read all the ingredients?)

Sunday…I was all about Frassin’. After a brunch of veggie omelettes (Doi) ‘Bean headed up window warshing detail, while I mowed/edged/set up where my borders are gonna live. (I have a grand scheme involving tasteful landscaping, and mulch.) My favorite part (Wait for it now)…I got a blower. Thank Gott. Those lil’ whirligigs didn’t stand a chance. While ‘Bean and I frassed, Mopeppa played with her new investment -The mighty top of lapliness.

Well what, Mr Food Guy, was for Dinner? Whooooo wait….Grilled Chicken Boobs marinated in Kashmiri Curry. I just made my mouth water thinking about it. And I've got 3 left.

I was even ambitious enough to start a fire. By myself. I'm a pyromaniacal dork.

Notable moments:

Receiving a texty from FeeJ where it was discovered that we came within moments of seeing each other at our 2nd home…(The Depot) FeeJ blamed the Mexicans...Why oh why do I surround myself with racists? Sheesh!

Mopeppa’s Pouty Petunia Face. Awful, yet comical.

Hippy artisan crafty booths are wonderful. I feel strongly about owning a wrought iron high top table and chairs for my front porch.

"You need to save money, Jesus fucking Christ, MO!" (She said it…not me.)


Sorry this was a little rambley but that’s just me. I’m on a spending freeze for the next coupla weeks/months so I can save up for trips (SeeF and Rapid City SD!) and projects. And since I’m all about saving YOU guys money, let me just give my hearty endorsement to Trader Joe’s Wine Shop. Ho-Lee-Shit. Fuck a bunch of 3 buck Chuck, We enjoyed an incredible Pinot Grigio that was (Wait for it….) $3.99. No. Shit. If stocking up a wine cellar is your goal, check it out.
Parking is a bitch, though. A big. Hairy. Bitch.

And can someone convince me that an ocean blue crushed velvet Armani blazer is simply not a good investment? I dare you. (Opitz had a sale. It almost became mine…almost)

Tales from the Vampire Paddywagon...

Recently I was reminded of the pressing need for blood donors, and how much blud is neccessary for those who need transfusions. As it was, I felt pretty strongly about being a donor this year...and embarrassingly enough it's been 13 years since I gave.
High School.
Merely to use it as an excuse to get out of school early, and get loopy on one Busch Light Draft.

I can't really let an opportunity for good comedy go to waste, so I thought I'd try out some all new old cheap material on the good nurses of Memorial Blood Center. Ahem....


On entering the bus:
"Is this where I get my tattoo?" (No laughs)

During my interview:
"These seem like awfully invasive questions just to donate sperm...where's the, (cough) 'video viewing' room anyway?" (There was a moment of frass, when they asked if I've slept with someone who's lived in Niger, Nigeria, Congo, and some other strange African continent. But I mean seriously, how many people really do know where Burkina Faso is anyway? Really.)

Having my pulse taken-
"How long have you been a runner?"
"How in the fuck do you know that?"

Upon discovering that my iron level was almost...almost too low.
"Um...I eat a shit ton of spinach you know. AND take a multi-vit. You just give that lil' tubey another squeeze, sunshine."

In the waiting area, when instructed to grab a beverage from the industrial cooler-
"Score! The last Miller Lite" (Then after digging) "Hey...how'd my kidney get in there?" (To which the nurse dryly exclaimed: "When you were passed out...")

The nurse, while the needle is getting inserted:
"You can breathe now..."

While the rocker pump is sucking me dry:
"Rock a bye blood cells, in the fat bag"

Looking at all the dentist chairs where the victims...I mean donors are laying:
"Hey. I don't see any real chairs in here. When you guys have to go back, do you get to pick which recliner you sit in?"

To someone asking how they know when you're done:
"Your body will be concave"

After donating (And after my first nurse got tired of my shit, and traded off to another nurse):
"So, it says no strenuous activity. Does that mean, like, laundry or lawn-mowing?"
(Nurseboy) "Just don't run a marathon"
"Can I go for a jog?"
(Nurseboy...blinking and staring) "Dude...you just donated a pint of blood"
"That can be replaced with Pinot Grigio...right?"

Upon looking at the stickers:
"Hey...this one says 'Be nice to me...I tried to donate blood'. I DID donate frassin' blood!"
(Nurseboy) "We have a bunch of the Rainbow stickers left..."
"Tried is fine..."



Long story short, I can now say I've given blood. Now, I must get a tattoo...which means I'll never be able to donate again. And judging by the responses from the good nurses, they probably won't miss me.

Give blood. It means a lot to a lot of people.



Vampire Paddywagon, btw. I kill me. Going into that frassin bus (with all the windows covered up) reminded me of the movie "Near Dark" where the vampires drive around cross country in a camper with the window's all covered up. IJS. Anyone else remember that one?

2 guys, a girl, and two pizza places...

Anatomy of flibbertygibbetness. Observe.

Montag (In what felt like my 1st free night off in God knows how long.) Mopes, X and I decided to hook up for a walk 'round the Lakes followed up with din-din. Weather proved to be a bit too forboding for walking so we kiboshed it in order to head str8 to dinner. (Note: I've no compunctions about walking in the rain, mind you...just having to plunk our wet butts down in an air-conditioned restaurant didn't sound super-appealing. At least to me.)

Stop 1 was at D'Amico+ Kids.

Now, do y'all ever get a jones to go somewhere, stand inside, and then realize that nothing moves you? That's what happened as I stood there staring at the deli case. What was funnier is that they both were sharing the exact same thought, which was: "Nuh-uh". A quick decision was made (Red Dragon woulda equaled ordering a Wonderous Punch, which would have in turn equaled an early night.) so we opted for Leaning Tower of Pizza, where we could nibble some Pizza, imbibe lite libations, and frass outdoors.

And yet? Not one of us got pizza. Unbeleebable, I know. 2 underwhelming caesar salads, a buffalo chick for X, and a few thingytails later? We were ready to depart.But...still...'Peppa and I were hungry for, of all things...a slice of 'za (Paraphrased X-quote: "I done told you healthy bitches with yo' salads you'd still be hongry!") Not wanting to go back in to the same restaurant we'd just left, we opted to head down to Luce'down the street.

This is where we ended up splitting a yugely discounted bottle of wine and an order of vegan bruschetta. (Which I'd like to take a second to pernt out that it was, in no finer terms- The bomb shit. Garlic/Tomato/Ricotta goodness, and just enough to share so that you both smell, healthy enough that you don't feel like you've gorged on, say, nacho's? And small enough portions so you don't feel hella stuffed.)


I guess the point of this whole dither, was that we decided to patronize two restaurants in one evening, both pizza joints, with the possible and explicit purpose of getting pizza...and avoided getting any pizza entirely.

Nin. Com. Poops.

That was sweet. Really sweet.

If you missed the show Saturday? You missed a really fucking awesome show.

Re-Cap:

Frids after rehearsal RK and I caught Mopes/Jennybenny in the Scrimshow @ BLB. Funny stuff, lemme tell you- Did you know that Gertrude Stein was considered a literary cubist? Now you do. Surprisingly enough- I was in bed pretty early fo’ a Friday. Why day? B/C of Saturday, bunkers.

In the AM, we grabbed a coupla smoothies, looked for some dit da jao, and made the determination that b/c Indian Food isn’t my #1 favorite ethnic cuisine…I’m racist. There. It’s out there. Thanks Mo. You’re racist b/c you hate Germans.

Then off to a looooooong-o tech where the cast frassed, napped, gave back rubs, sparred, before eventually winding up at O’D’s downtown for some lunchables. (And I bogarted waaaaaay too many fries from Jennybenny. And Mopes is racist b/c she hates Irish food)

Then? The show. And it was funny, and well attended. It went off w/o a hitch really (With the exception of Gabril losing his voice, and that most everyone loved the fact that Jesus was an a$$ kicker. Hadda be there, didn’t ya?)

And really bitter feckin’ sweet due to the whole "One Night Only" factor. I hope they do a remount. Really really really. My brother, is comic and martial arts gold.

Afterwards we recepted (I so didn’t get a sandwich), then high-tailed it over to Barfly for some cocktailing, break dancing, Cirque du Soleiling on the poles, and doing our best to avoid trampling midgies. Breakdancing wee-folk, no less.

Sunday am I woke up with a hangover…how? I don’t know. The slow burn hangovers are the worst I say. Mopeppa and I met up with MD, Mar-See-Ah, and the Trev Monster for Key’s Goodness (Note to self: MD cannot take egg beaters. Personally, I think it was the shite ton of roughage in her veggie omelette that made her prrrrrt…but if she thinks it’s the egg beaters then well…okay. Fine Prrrrrrt.)

The rest of the day was spent lawn frassin with Mo and the ‘Bean. They were kind enough to tackle the daunting task of whirligig raking while I frassed with my car and the weeds. (I was one hurting unit in the a.m., so I was thankful they took on the repetitive manual labor) Their reward was some tasty barbecue, and a nap. Later Mo-seph and I watched the film "Jarhead" which, for all my loyal female readers, you should probably watch. I just don’t think I really needed to see that many nude dudes in one setting. But there you are. Enjoy. Don’t say I don’t rent movies for you, sweetheart.

Have a great week, y’all. I’m starting ‘hearsals for another show in a row, which you’ll get all the top shelf frass about. And again, to the peeps that came and saw GMIKFTH? Thank you. Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you…

You can see cool footage at their website: norefundstheatre.com

Big day tomorrow!

All right kids.

In spite of all the dings and bumps we've all endured, tomorrow marks the one and only time* you'll be able to see "Great Moments in Kung Fu Theatre History" at the Illusion. 8pm, the Illusion Theatre in Downtown Mipples**. If you like martial arts, theatre, wrestling, Mexploitation, breakdancing, video games, history, and yours truly*** beating the s#it out of myself...this one's for you.

Don't miss it!

http://norefundstheatre.com


*I say that like they'll never re-mount it...the kings of re-mounting. 'Cept this time around they may very well be serious, so why risk missing it?
**Reception to follow. Very possibly be hitting the L.T afterwards for dancing and more sweating/imbibing. Mopes...I'll need a shower.
***I hope it looks good, 'cause it's really feckin' painful. (sighs) One show, right? It's just for one show.

While I'm pimping, go see this show tonight!

Join the Reunited Scrimshaws for a European Themed Variety Show! FEATURING Special Guests Craig Johnson and The Gerturde Stein Players!* The Comedy of Tim Uren and Jimmy Desimone! The Dance of Hidden Pudenda! The Song Stylings of Pablo! Drinking! Vacation Slides!

More Drinking!
More Vacation Slides!
TWO NIGHTS ONLY!
Friday, June 2nd and Saturday, June 3rd 10 pm at the Bryant Lake Bowl Theater 810 West Lake Street in Minneapolis
$12/$10 with a Fringe Button
For reservations call 612-825-8949

Food...

I'm thinking that after having been a "nibbles goody two-shoes" for the run of the show, I'm fixing to get some naughty vittles as a treat.

Hmmmm...this makes me wonder, whut, exactly, I should nosh?

The 1st place my brain went, was 'za. I haven't had Luce' 'za in ages (Ooooo, Greek). Or Uptown pizza...(Their "Florentine Pizza" is the bomb. Pesto Tomato sauce, garlic, broccoli, and spinach. wOOt!) Or find a Little Caesars somewhere. Something about the stupid little bubbles that form on their pizza make it so frassin' good.

And THEN there is the all mighty Boo-Fay. I hurt myself a few weeks back at the Indian Buffet, I've still been checking out the boo-too choices in my 'hood. Crescent Moon or Holy Land for Middle Eastern? One of the massive Chinese "Buffet-o-ganza's"located out in the 'burbs? My folks have swore by, wait for it: Shangrila. I spelled it right...not "Shangri-La"... My dad tells me that they have boo-too fresh seafood protein choices. Salmon, Lobster, Crab, Mussels, Octopus, sushi (Ooooo, could I attempt eating my weight in sashimi?)...He emphasized fresh. For all that boasting, it's worth a trip out to the sticks I'd wager.)

I could take a half-day and hit El Meson for Carribean? (And, use my coupon dealio for their 1/2 price bottle of wine, spend the day kibbitzing around Uptown, then hit Sebastard Joe's for some cone-age...

While I'm ravenous, how's about I just start my day with a b-k-f-s-t buffet? Famous Dav-Naw. Scratch that honkiness. Campiello? Or just hold off for a few weeks and see if I can get the whole fam damnily out to the Nicollet Island Inn for brunch. (Madre' dios...you haven't lived until you've tried their brunch. Oof.) Or take big brother (sorry Moses) Melinite and her hub-hub back to gorge ourselves on Dim Sum? That eel still haunts me.

Q-cumbers has been a pretty hot ticket. Mostly vegetarian. Situated neatly next to an arcade.

Or just go back to Buca and...frassin' mow on eggplant parmesan, lemon chicken, garlic bread and mashies?


Ohhhhh, how I fixate. Whaddya'll think, cutie pies?


* In case yer wondering...to my other fitness/diet minded individuals, here's your fitness tip for the day:
No. It isn't healthy to adhere to so strict a diet that you completely and forever avoid sweets/fats/no or low-carbs/alcohol...You've got to fool the body. Bodybuilders who've been starving and dieting pre-contest will, a day or two before competing, hit a Baskin Robbins to eat a gallon of Ice Cream. It causes your body to say "What the Fuck!?!?!" And send it into overdrive (Metabolism starts firing hard to compete with the influx of calories/sugars/salts etc...) The same goes for exercise. If you have specific weight goals, don't stick with one or two exercises forever and a day. Fool your body. Go for a 13 mile bike ride instead of a 3.5 mile jog. Do pull ups, instead of pull downs...Fool the body.


Back to food. Can you tell I'm excited about this?

Quick fixes

I went back through the post-a-thon I did last night and made some quick edits/Tightening up. I'm a rambler when it gets too late.


My bad.

The pain show...

Y'know? Up until juuuuusssst this morning I was feeling pretty good about "GMIKFTH"...Feeling good, "body wise".

'Cept I'm faaairly certain I made bad with my groinykins during our outdoor rehearsal. (When myself and the rest of the nincompoops were doing kip-ups one after another. Smart) MD caught me with a nice palm-heel in between my shoulder blades (I kid...I live for that shit, you know this) Trev loosed a fist in my face by accident, I whacked MD harder than I should have performing an arm trap, and I caught CeeG's bony ass forearm with the top of my foot doing a roundkick. And I have this weird bruise in the center of my palm that, for the life of me, I have no recollection where I got it. I'm thinking maybe it was at the wedding. Redwright and I were frassin' poolside 'bout our individual bruisey maladies yesterday like a couple of folks in a retirement community.



So there's your incentive. Go see this show. Our pain, provides your pleasure.

June 3rd. The Illusion.

The Big Blue Moat...

(*)
"Himself put up the pool. After you're done doing what you're doing, I have a box of wine...come down to the pool...It's kind of funky colored due to the sewer work...but come down anyway if you can..."

And that, friends...is how the big blue pi$$ pool got inaugurated. A few happy, loving people standing in ice cold water on the hottest day of '06 while one half of the WW clan frassed about the lack of pool-filterage. Oh well. He ordered a new one.

The pool...is up. And it brings me no end of excitement to envision many happy returns. I even walked there.

Happy short week, y'all...

Farf a bunch of rehearsal...

(This'll need to get you through the week. I'm busy)

"Are you hungover?"
"Shhhhh"
"You look hung ov-"
"Really, shhhhhh"

That was the convo on Sunday. The good people of norefundstheatre.com decided to have a "noon to 4-ish" rehearsal at Calhoun...the day after my attending a celebre'. Ugh.

I jogged, to get the toxins out (Did I mention I was running off of minimal sleepage?) headed toward the lake which was PAH-kud! (Hot weather brings out the naked people) and rehearsed.

1) I brought pic-nic shite. The caterers gave me a shite ton of leftovers from the wedding and I brought it to the cast for snackys. Is that tacky?
2)It was hotter N a bitch out. To the tune of 90 odd degree's. Between the am jog, rehearsal, and the post rehearsal walk I went on? I came home, showered, and passed out. 5pm to 2am...yeesh. I had plans, yo...
3)I beat myself up. ReeK's said: "Try the final fight with yourself. Just...do it. See what happens.." So I did. If you wanna see it? Come to the fundraiser on June 3rd.
4) I'm sore today. Big time. Boo-Too sore. Oof
5)Mo-Ped comes home Tuesday. Yay.
6) Oof.

Weddings...and frass

Sats...where 2 begin? My best friend got married.

First I got to the church on time for the 3 hour "photo call". I loaded up best man accoutrements (Water, kleenex, snacks, toothbrushables, etc.) Funny bits would be the fact that in order to pass the time I brought my flask. (Something that his brothers all did...I'm sooo unoriginal. And they are so Irish.) It’s at this point you should know that we started what would be known as the "slow burn"towards drunkedness.

The ceremonial-I cried. I did. I don’t believe that I've never cried at a wedding. Even my big bro' s. Something about what the Fr. said really resonated in me. It made me weepy. So Shup. Proud Proud Proud of both of them. I commented later that the alter Christ was being suspended with cables. Cirque de Lord-ay.

From the church, after it was all like, "official" like, it was off to the caves...for?

Drinking. ( Really, I’ll say it again…how often is it that your best friend gets married, really?)

After the eating and speeches (I’m awfully glad I didn’t imbibe too much b4 hand. Yeah. I made it up as I went along. I’m happy that I didn’t raaaaamble on ad nauseum, but at the same time I'm frassy at myself since I didn't finish it with "May the Force be with you" but we can't have everything, right?) We cut a rug 'til the wee hours (One party foul all night. I was dancing to "They might be giants" when I biffed...I’m grateful that at least it wasn't when I was swing dancing with the groom's mama!) We shut'er down. And afterwards, a few of the wedding party and I hit a local bah for karaoke...a funny sight I imagine...being "those guys" in the sweaty, disheveled tuxes/dresses at a VFW. It took me the better part of an hour to get Ry-Gonns's sis back to her hotel (Guh. My internal GPS shut off at 1:00am.) and finally to bed.

At close to 5am
I. am. very proud of him.
I. am. very proud of her.

And what's, more? I wish to put out there that I can only wish them the kind of happiness that I'd hope for myself...and from a selfish bastard like me? That's a lot. Not as much as I'd like to give. But as much as I can muster.

Congratulations, Ry-gonn and Super-Grover. You both deserve the very, very best.

I did drink a lot. Not pukey mcpukerson, but I am sorry if talked to you and seemed "weird". Or weirder than normal. Or if I forgot to say good bye. Or if I smelled.

Loverly start, to a loverly weekend...

Loverly start, to a loverly weekend... 'Kay ,Since Mopester is outta town destroying Vega$, I figured I'd frass 'bout my weekend shizzle.Weddings.I'm finna break it down for y'all like a fraction.

Friday-Half day for buddies! I met Moses for lunch DT b4 she needed to catch her flight to sin city. It was pretty clear that she had checked out of Mipples and was ready to Gee-Oh. (And baby, you wear wanderlust beautifully) After that it was yard frassin', running, and getting ready for a RE-hearsal.Due to a boo-too traffic accident I wound up at the wedding rehearsal 5 mins late (Much to the chagrin of "Echo" their wedding frasser. More on her in a sec)
Fortunately, I found my way through hurried intro's and the initial walk-through unscathed.

(POF- I learned, very recently with my big-bro's weddin' that planners and families HATE it when they have a "jokester" in their midst. First, it's a high stress occasion to beigin with. Second, they're prolly thinkin' that while you think that you're being clever? You're not really listening, meaning you'll fuck up SOME part of the ceremony. I'd like you all to know -at least those wno know "me"- that I was on my best behaviour, thankyouverymuch...The last thing I'd want is to cause poor Echo frass.)

The rehearsing was short and sweet. In order to ease tensions, I did my darnedest to "mack" on Echo ("Young lady...that is a very fetching shade of toenail polish...if I mightbe so bold and if you're going to the reception, could I buy you a drink???") Fact: Schmooze the 80 year old planner that looks like a cross between Harry Carey and "Edna" from "The Incredibles"? You're golden.

And the rest of the night? Cream cheese.

Buca was delish(Ry-gonn gave me some pretty sweet schwag for best man prezzies...a Bruce Lee Tee, AND a vintage Kirby Spider-Man Tee. I know I've frassed in the past about getting too much "Die Spinne" schwag, but it was still pretty cool.) I schmoozed the servers , getting our party a lil' discountkins (Much to the suprise and awe of Judge Ry-Gonn the senior. I didn't have the heart to tell'im that I didn't do anything, the meal was just inexpensive...still...Thanks Ry-Gonn the senior for dinner...) I babysat the kids- (Go with me on this one: Hands in the pockets, means you're being cool. Hands out of the pockets? You mean business...So the kids dug their cool lessons. And teaching 'em how to dance like Michael Jackson.) So...yeah. I met my bestest friends extendo family. And they were jewels. And funny. Shit, were they funny.

Next? El Wedding...

"I think we can make it cooler..."

One of the cooler bits about our rehearsal process for the "GMiKFTH" is how organic it's been. The entire cast has been a part of the creative process from the first brainstorming session, continuing through our 'hearsals (Kinda like sketchy comedy...another big ol' love O' mine).

In the interest of time (we have a little over a week to put this b#tch up, folks) we've been falling back on bogarting some of our "all new old cheap moves" from the original run of "Kung Fu Hamlet" (backfist/ridgehand, double-phoenix eye punch, dah da dah da dah da...) So the day b4 we rehearsed our scenelet for "Frucible" last night, I get an email from MD which basically said (in regards to our little fightlet)

"We can make it cooler".

So, we whipped up a lil' sumpthin'-sumpthin' right quick. Well, as quick as you can by 'ographing something on our breakette. Photograph courtesy of Haley, and giving you another reason why I need a camera phone in a big bad way.*

Boo-ya from baby P and Doc... (W/a little bit with the Chad. Who had gas...*)

I do love that gal. Sorry about kickin' yer hand. Just like old times, huh?

; )

*Yeah, a camera phone/recorder in case I spontaneously feel like creating fight choreography. Whatever...P, ya rube.

** Every two seconds it was "prrrrt" coming from him. Swear. And if you wonder why in the last "panel" I'm doing the hand on the tummy thing, it's 'cause I saw "Take One" that Haley shot..which really accentuated that I'm going bald on top. Joy. Just like Sean Connery in "In the Name of the Rose" I am...BALD FRASS!!!!

9 2 1

9 TO 1

9 lasts
-last place you were: Chipotle, followed by Sports Authority
-last soda: Diet Coke-ah
-last beverage: I’m tri-fisting water/coffee from this morning/and Diet Coke-ah
-last kiss: Big brother, after rehearsal. We're kissers.
-last movie seen: “What the (bleep) do we know?” . How do you shape YOUR reality, geniuses?
-last cd played: Sting: Dream of Blue Turtles
-last time you cried: I think I got misty watching a movie with some mad acting in it.
---------------------------------------------------------
8 have you evers.
-have you ever dated someone twice: Nope. I think once is probably plenty for most people I’ve dated. :-[
-have you ever been cheated on: Good. And. Plenty. Thx. Why doncha gimme a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it while you’re asking? Fuck you, Mr. "8 have you ever's" and your nosy self! >:(
-have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: Yup.
-have you ever fallen in love: Good. And. Plenty.
-have you ever been depressed: Yes. Boo.
-have you ever been drunk and thrown up: Yes. I’ve even thrown up sober. Weird, I know.
-have you ever hit another person: Why just last night, when Master Dawson got tooooo close.---------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 states you've been to:
1. NY
2. CA
3. FL
4. MD
5. AZ
6. NV
7. TX
---------------------------------------------------------------------
6 things you've done today:
1. Ate a chicky burrito bowl w/no cheese, sour cream, or guac.
2. Attended meetings. Delegated.
3. I too…ate a muffin.
4. Sent condolence-y emails to a friend.
5. frassed
6. Bought knee pads for rehearsal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
5 favorite things
1. Travelling
2. Cooking and Eating
3. Fitness and Fu
4. Theatre
5. Loving, Interacting, and Laughing with people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
4 favorite colors
1. Cerulean
2. Charcoal Ash
3. Merlot
4. Desert Wheat----------------------------------------------------------------------------

3 people you can tell anything to.
1. Me fam (Ma, Pa, Ro)
2. Me Friends (Ya know who you are)
3. Me self (I talk a lot to myself. Shup)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 things you want to do before you die
1. Eat my weight in sushi
2. Get out of debt. Really, truly, deeply out of debt.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 thing you regret:

1. Getting into debt, and having that second plate of Indian food at the buffet last week. UNcomfortable pants, lemme tell ya.

Mawwiage

Did I mention that I’m going to a wedding this weekend?

More specifically, I’m going to be in a wedding this weekend? More specifically specifically…the best man. (Such an arrogant title, in my opinion. I prefer "The Okay Guy"…or maybe something original, like "The Ring Bearer". Heck, even "Sex Panther" would suffice. But "Best Man"? C’mon. That’s a lot to live up to.) So we got the rehearsal, this Friday (Grumblefrass...meaning I'm gonna miss X3!) and the wedding itself am Samstag. Reception to follow, here.

My question- Is it legal for the BM to "fly solo" to the event? (read: Dateless) I think so, since ya gotta be up at the table with the rest of the wedding frassers, and on the whole it didn't seem appropos to bring an inflatable sheep. I’m also startin’ to frass a little about what I’m gonna say at the reception. At RSvP's wedding, I was able to improvise the entire thing which seemed to work. (Much to the chagrin of my sister in laws sister, who’d pre-written hers.) But I had 30 odd years worth of source material to glom from. With Ry-Gonn? It’s gonna be a struggle to "not" make the whole damn thing about ADHD, Star Wars, and his penchant for drinking Colorado Bulldogs 'til nausea sets in.

Although, I’m certain, those topics will find there way in there.

Sketchy Molly? Don’t tell Ryan. I want it to be a surprise….


On the whole, I think I’d much rather be at a spur of the moment wedding in Vega$. While I’m not a particularly huge fan of the city…I think that with the right people and event?

Oof. More fun than disco.

Quick bits...

Is it tacky to bring your own meat to a bbq…if you’ve already bbq'ed it at home? I mean, the curry marinated chicky boobs were just begging to be eaten, and I’m not much of a brat guy.

Okay, so I had a lamb brat. Thanks for the hospitality Feej.

So I ate a brat. Yeah? What?

Mo-Peppa planted a pepper.

I’m wearing earth tones today. No shit, I’m wearing an honest to Goddess brown button down shirt and khaki’s. I don’t think I’ve owned a brown shirt since…oh, 1977…’78? Well, I guess when I was a member of good ol’ Troop 542 I wore one. It was tan, really. Today though? I look like a glorified UPS dude. Sans sexy legs and matching shorts. And b/c I was out on Friday, I never "got the memo" that it's "Casual Week" this week...meaning I coulda wore jeans. Instead of looking like Poopman McPooperton.

I’ve frassed over my underpant peculiarities (Karate=Briefs. Daily=Boxer Briefs. Bed Time=Flannel boxers or just regular old "boxer boxers") I just don’t know why I do that. I get so frustrated with my peccadilloes, I might as well just go commando. Wait, is it 1999 again?

Am I gonna reference dates in this entire entry? 1986.

I’ve discovered a new joy for dinner- Boca Burgers. 3 Boca patties covered with black bean salsa with some chips and you’re good to go! Seriously though? You can’t get me into the bathroom fast enough. Prrrrrt.

Speaking of prrrt. If you call my cell phone, and you have the right number…you won’t disturb any Mexican’s in the loo. If that seems too cryptic for you…well. Tough. Prrrrrt-oh in the Bano…

I promise not to make any further scatological references in this post.

I get an email from MD saying that she wants to punch up our fight a little bit to make it more than just "A couple of moves". I accept these terms and conditions. Now if we can figure out how to effectively do the love scene...wait. This is the "Frucible", right? Not the "Scarlet Letter"? Whatever. They both had Quaker Oatie looking characters.

"Sexpo" was in Mipples this last weekend. Seriously…can we find a less original title than "Sexpo". Sure it’s an attention getter, but c’mon? It’s not like people are gonna mistake it for the "Home and Garden Show". Can you picture it? The poor couple hovering over the merkin booth, thinking that it’s decorative moss?

"She better sleep with one eye open" does not translate into: "You wanna sleep with someone with an eyepatch?"

On Burlap, and Quantum Theory

Well...
Yeah, it gets busy some days. Shup.

Last week was literally a veritable whirlwind of action from the get go. Most nights were taken up by rehearsal, where we are at least 78% blocked out for all scenes. Gabe-ril did some coolness by posting a rough preview of what’s to come. Check it out here:


Nothing too fancy pants to write home last week until about Thursday when I took a (wait for it) HALF day, or "Sanity Day" if that’s you druthers. I hit an afternoon class at ‘Fu, (Why oh why are we ending class with plyometrics? Oh, that’s right. My instructor prays for my death. And fuck a bunch of BS, I haven’t jumped rope since I was 15!?!?) Then attacked my lawn which was VIOLENTLY overgrown. (Seriously? I couldn’t make a pass without the frassin’ mower getting all gummed up and jammed. It took nearly 2 hours to mow the front, leaving me no time to jog.)
This all lead up to the inevitable party de-la-bachelor for my buddy Ry-gonn. After getting cleaned and gussied, we all convened at mi casa and headed to Erte’ for nibbles, which for the record…is the bomb shite. We spent a majority of the time trying to get Brett-Muck to be a little more, how do you say, cordial, With our server? No luck. We toasted, we drank, we laughed, we frassed and then decided to hit the DeeT burlesque scene. (What? Stop judging. I ain’t ashamed.) We hit one club which frassed about Daddy-o’s Buddhist cap (Seriously. A "No Hat" policy? I can understand a "No Raincoat" but c’mon.) So we bustled a block and a half over to a place that had more lenient dress code. It was what it was. Strippable. And did you guys know that the women at those places aren’t actually into you? That they’re coming on to you so that you give THEM money? Wow! Boy wasn’t I surprised! Here’s me thinking that I was all cute and stuff while them there half nekky-gals were all saying I was cute and stuff and laughing and stuff and...

Right. Funny man, I am. Not. Thank You.

Frid’s I finished lawn frass and had some lunch w/Dorajar (Indian Buffet is the DEVIL! After plate number dos, I was fit for a coma. Which I was in for the next- 3- hours) After waking up, we hit up the NEMAA Art-A-Whirl with the ‘Bean. We stopped in the Mill City Café (under new management, Thank You) enjoyed happy hour niblets and cocktails (‘Bean was the target of a fly-by pooping from a random bird. Thank GOD it didn't’hit the poor man. Our server/restaurant manager informed us that it was good luck. Yeah, good luck that he wasn’t yawning) Afterwards, we hit up my girl AM’s going bye-bye party b4 splitting to saying another goodbye to Mopeppa’s buddy MM2 at the Bulldog.

Weird. Lotsa goodbyes.

The weekend bode more rehearsal (Yay for finally getting babygirl MD back in the fold…even if she smelled like campfire ; p ) BBQ’s in the Savage Land (Chock a block full of political frassin’. There is something cathartic about being able to frass face to face as opposed to the blind, sterile, heartless void which comprises ‘net frassin’. It just feels better to me.) And returning home, stuffed…again, for some Geisha-Memoirs. Which, for being a pretty movie? Didn’t do much for moooving me. Meh.

Sunday…wait- MORE rehearsal, and finally being able to get a much deserved workout in before checking out the movie "What the (Bleep) do we know?"with some Chinese niblets.

In case you’re wondering? The flick was all right. Interesting, if not a little cheesy, but still a better documentary than if a bunch of talking heads were, well...talking. There was even a Dr. named "prrrrt".

If you’ve been dying to learn about Quantum Physics/Mechanics/Theories "Lite"? This is the movie for you!

Shortie...

Rehearsal tonight was very short, but it provided me with a nice opportunity to catch up with Master Matt (Old Director of KFH) We blocked out a short fight between Oedipus and the Plague, and in spite of being less than three moves it still had us both laughing like nincompoops.

Why? Two words: Ninja's. Roll.

IJS


Visit their website. You won't be sorry.

Pretty epic, you've been warned!

I'm growing out a slight beard-able for the Kung Fu Road show, and for some odd reason I started thinking about "Lee Press-on nails". Which morphed into "Lee Press on Beard". Which, uh, morphed into "Lee Press on Pubes".

I don't know what drives me to these places, yet I go.

Friday I had a fairly leisurely evening after working a long-assed day. I received a weird phone call from an olllllllld ex geef which was a little weird? (I couldn't rightly tell if it was a case of "drunk dialing" or what. Just that there was a lot of re-hashing that I sort of blew past. Whatever. Y'know, she's been married to her hub-hub for 7 years now, which was kind of weird to think about.)

Saturday?

Doo-Looth! And you know something? In spite of the shite weather, it was an awesome mini-vacay.

Moses and I headed up Nort' dere after a quick stop at 'Bucks for a quick snackie bkfst. There were ponderables pondered, Paul Simon was listened to, and much roadkill was passed before hitting our final destination at the Superior Dayshing. (Tres' convenience? An attached...Embers. WITH bar. And our room even had a wall sized mirror. Shup.) After dropping off our gear and getting acclimated, we stormed DT Dlth to find niblets and activities.

Funny side note: I am convinced Mopeppa can find an Indian restaurant anywhere in the world, and not just India. For some weird reason, my Spider Sense told me that she was going to have a jones for Indian food at , but rather than voice it which would have seemed rude- I kept it to myself. WELL, wouldn't ya know that Mopeppa found a couple of Indian places on the ride through downtown. "INDIAN FOOOOOD! THEY HAVE A BUFFFFEETTT!" Put me in hysterics. Seriously though? We could be in Hibbing and she'd find "Bait Shop and Curry".

We opted for Baja Billy's, btw. Margies the size of your head. (If they offer you an extra shot for a $1? You may wanna skip it. They don't actually mix it in your drink.) and a joyful server. I would love to see their faces when they read our restaurant review. After stuffing ourselves, we checked out the brewpub downstairs where we were assaulted with a veritable googleplex of beers! After getting chummy with the deeerunk peeps next to us (They were a delightful, if not sauced, couple from SLP. Moses convinced them I was a pacifist, which later came up in conversation "I know yer like a 'peace guy'..." We also found out that he wasn't that big a fan of musical theatre. Really. "Even when they were punching and kicking each other they were shinging" Yeah. Funny.) Before we left he gave Mo his phone number so she could get together with his wife. I'm not entirely unconvinced that they wanted us to partake in camper shenanigans near Lake Okoboji.

Probably just with Mopeppa. I'm never wrong about these things...

After drinking strong ale, we decided to hit the Fond-Du-Luth casino to try our luck, when on the way we saw two important things:

One: A man was walking down the street with sweatpants so tight it gave him camel toe.

The second, was this: I cried. I guess that It was a little surreal/overwhelming to be standing across the street from where it happened.

The casino sucked.

We split back to the Hotel in order to take a pre-hot tub nap and after said sauna/hot tubbing, we were frassin' over where we'd get dinner: The Chinese Joint across the street. (Due to all the rain, we had to cross Buckleberry Ferry in order to get there. Ya wanna know something? For a Chinese restaurant, there was a slight deficit of anyone working there that looked remotely Chinese!) After stuffing ourselves (again) we passed out at 11:00pm, where we both suffered fitful and disturbing dreams. Okay, the part where I was in the middle of an orgy with 6 out of 7 of Hugh Hefners girlfriends was okay. If you're wondering about the 7th one? She was sooooo stupid that I couldn't even have a conversation with her w/o getting dumber myself, so she wasn't invited. A case of serious anti-boner with her. One of the ladies was actually really cool! Into collecting comics, loves sci fi.

What? Hey, it's my dream...man.

In the am, we broke our fast at the Embers (Where the waiter was mackin' on the Mopeppa. Girl got allll the action, lemme tell ya. ) which was great 'cause did you know that in WI you can order BM's, Mimosa's, and Screwdrivers with breakfast? THAT was promising.

Then we went home. Well, a quick stop at Black Bear Casino (aggregate time spent in casino's? 10 minutes. No, I'm not kidding.) and Urban Harvest...then home.

Sorry about the epic nature of todays blog. But, it was an epic trip, and just what the doctor ordered. I shouldn't feel restless for at least another 5-6 business days, right?
xo

Frassin..Cool

I was told that I sounded "joyful" on the phone the other day, and I guess if you back tracked to some of my posties that happened around mid to late January you'd probably guess why. (And no, that's not to say I'm a depressive all the rest of the year, but this? This is still pretty fun and cool.)

"Great Moments in Kung Fu Theatre History" started rehearsals the other night, specifically scene # 1 called "Oedipus the Kung...Fu". After the briefest of drama when Jennybenny, Kathman and I were stuck in the Illusion stairwell. ("Which stairwell are you one?"/"It says 'blue stairwell'...where are you?"/"The red stairwell. Can you get there?"/"I hate you Gabe") it was aces. Just like old times, actually. Well, with one exception- Ro, Rob, and I were frassin' with the 'ography ourselves rather than having it already be in place...but eeehhhh.

It was still pretty feckin' cool. And I've started in on a whole new messa bumps, bruises, and floor burns. You can keep up with the mess here. By the way? That guy? Is wicked flexible. We call him "Mr. Tricep Flippy-Flippy". And I get to take his butt out, "Ong Bak" style.

So, if you campers are free/don't have a show/and want something in the same hilarious vein as "KFH", come spend your hard earned money ($15 bucks/ little man/ put that shit/ in my hand) this fundraiser is for you. Reception to follow.

June 3rd 8pm. the Illusion Theatre, Minneapolis. I fucking love kung fu.


(ps: How can a show not be cool when you get a rehearsal schedule that says "Tuesday, 6-8pm. Oedipus vs. the Ninja". Okay. Sorry. Geek time is done.)

"Gold"en evening

If you're in town, and really want to see in incredibly enjoyable production, go see "Twilight of the Golds" at the MN Jewish Theatre (http://www.mnjewishtheatre.org/shows.html) It was heartbreaking and hilarious all at once and 'Bean, Mopes, and I had a wonderful time. I'd say more about it, but really? You should just see it.

Damn.

Shouldn't days off be stressless? (Part One)

Like, anti-stress?

I took my VE-hickle into the shop to get some car frass accomplished. After the ransom the local chain auto repair held over me last year, I decided that any future repairs would be accomplished at the garage of "our guys". You know, the guys who your parents swear up and down are the best mechanics anywhere, and that won't screw ya? Heck, these guys'll even give you a quick lesson on what happened to your car, how to prevent it in the future, and will even identify an issue over the phone to see if you can fix it yourself. So for all intents and purposes: a trustworthy mechanic.

I headed out to BC in the early a.m. fully expecting a ride from my papa (who I'd spoke with the previous day to verify that playing taxi was cool.) I figured that my car frass would get addressed, and I'd have the opportunity to spend the day with my folks, and help them with some needed manual labor. Fair trade.

I dropped it off, explained the issues (Difficulties engaging transmission when placed in reverse) and puttered out to the street corner to wait for pop, w/his obligatory coffee and danish.

Fast forward about a half an hour when I'm almost halfway through my book, and my Ma calls to say: "Why didn't you call this morning to tell your father when you were leaving Moseph's?".

Right.

We kept the frass to a minimum as I tried to explain that Dad and I agreed to meet there at 8am, and (no) I'm not waiting any longer I'd just hoof it home.

So we fast forward yet again, to a couple of hours of house frass, an hour long drive out to Delano to drop their s#it off, we BS about all things nautical ("Dad...I think I'd like to own a pontoon"/"No you don't...those things flip over!" We P's rule through fear.) and a beautiful drive through Medina listening to some of pop's old war stories (He needs, NEEDS, to write a book, people. I gave him some homework to write down the names of 10 of his most memorable cases to start. Crafty, I am.) Finally, we returned to frass a little more...

Mom showed up, and she and daddy-o started dicking and frassin' at each other from the get go(They have a lot of shite to move, folks. It seems a little overwhelming at times, I imagine.) After another few hours of labor (This time, crap to go to my house with. Funny that, it's almost like they're trying to pawn of the remaining stuff on me. "Hey guys...Did I agree to take the lawn edger? I think I have one alrea.."/"No, No...you said you'd take it, so take it!") We moved the Lion Statuaries (Heavy, Heavy sumbitches.) and finally, between their frass, the manual labor, standing around topless trying to get some sun, I realized that it was almost 2pm and I hadn't heard from the garage. So, I called the shop to see what the problem was:

Answer?

Nada. Couldn't find it. He recommended I throw in some JB's Tranny Cleaner which should do the trick, and didn't even charge me for the diagnostic. Sweeeeeeet.

Annnnd the end?

So by the end of the day, I was famished, but I thought that it was getting too close to dinner to want to eat anything filling. My parents are NO-torious for wanting to feed me, and typically not a cuisine that I'm particularly fond of, like Culvers. (With the exception of the Greek Barley Salad he'd made earlier. I had a bite. A couple. Enough to have him shout my full first name from across the room when I went in for another fork full.) Anyway, they've been chomping at the bit to buy me dinner, and after mentioning to Dad that I was gonna stop and grab a bag of pretzels or a sammy on the way home, he frassed and said he was gonna take me to a "sit down" place for dinner. Never mind that I'd been frassin' in the garage and yard all day, was covered in dirt and dog hair, and had forgotten my belt (Which caused me no end of frustration, as they were my old grubby jeans and have this propensity to depart my waistline when they feel the urge. Which is always. Which meant I was continually trying to keep them hiked up.) So yeah, I wasn't at my prettiest. And Dad was already tearing ass home to get mom.

I follow him back, and frassed that I didn't really feel like eating a sit down dinner at their favorite diner, and he frassed back:

"You're making me angry right now. I've been trying to get you have dinner with your mom and I at a restaurant for ages and you're saying 'no'? 10 minutes ago you were starving? Are you bulimic?" (Insert Mom: "Anorexic, dear. Bulimics puke. Are you puking, sweetie?")

"Guys, please..that's not it at all. Mo's coming over for dinner in about 1.5 hours, and I don't really feel the need to have something to mow right before we eat. I'll grab a handful of nuts or something to tide me over in the meantime. Let's make dinner an enjoyable night when we're all clean and frassless. Cool? Gardens of Salonica sound yumster? Greek?"

The threat of dinner seemed to cool their jets a bit. They told me I had a lovely lawn, and were proud of the work I'd done. Mom was jealous that the Lion statuaries were living at my place now, and I assured her she can stop over any old time to say hi. I even named them Sigfried and Roy.

Wow. Lengthy, I know. All this to tell you that my car is ready for a weekend road trip 4 buddies, and that I now am the proud owner of two lion statuaries.

Do a drive by...they'll fuck your shit up if you mess wit'em.

Okay, so...

I'm late. Sue me.

Let's see:

Friday was fun and frasstastic. Hit a bidet party in St.Pipples in the mid ta late evening before retiring for the night.

Sats was a reunion of sorts, where I was able to hook up with some of the KFH peeps again for a read through of "Great Moments in Kung Fu Theatre History". Hilarity. I can't wait to be able to get back on stage to do it up (Even though I don't think I'm being allowed to beat the crap outta MD in any of the sketches. BTW- Keep your calendar's open the evening of June 3rd. One night only peeps. And it's a fund raiser, so bring your coin-footballs. We rip on Oedipus, The Crucible, Waiting for Godot...think about it. )

My personal favorite moment of the meeting wasn't when we did the actual read through, rather it was when Gabey Buck Buck asked if one of us (MD, RSvP, or my self) would mind fighting with one of the newer cast member. I don't think you've ever seen 3 peeps turn heel, drop their coats/sunglasses/keys, kick off their shoes, line up, and just...stare. (RSvP: "Which one of us does he want to fight? Did you mean fight-fight?")

We're Ninja-compoops.

The rest of the afternoon was spent lawn frassin' and dear Lord...I'd forgotten how much I didn't miss it. 'Bean set out to pluck out the dandies in the yard, while I took on the massive task of mowing that bitch. And it waaas a bitch. 6 bags worth of long wet grass. (And with these recent storms? Hooo, boy, I'm probably gonna have to mow again on momma's day)

Mopes stopped over to hang out w/me b4 a dinner party while I whupped up a couple of red curry marinated chicky boobs on the grill. (I'm a food-prep freak. I make food ahead of time, it's what I do. Blog material for later, wait and see) One of the BQ jets didn't come on, and when I lit it the flame came out the side in a big WHOOMF! (Singing off a majority of my forearm hair in the process. Once again, Fire: 3, BabyP: zero. And btw? My burnt arm hair, reeks.) The dinner party was wonderful (Veggie lasagna w/portabello mushies, beet salad, etc. Ugh. I was stuffola'ed) and we popped over to check out the Scrimshaw show at the BLB where dorajar lost her sketch comedy virginity. Her parents were kind enough to hook a brother up with some herb. (Rosemary, Parsley, Basil, and yes...thyme. Stop. Singing.)

Annnnd my roommate had his b-day. Happy Birthday 'Bean! (Mark your calendars, folks. He's not getting away with not telling me, next year. Buh wah ha ha ha ha ha!)

Sunday was another great a.m. of delicious brefkist (Scrambled egg beater's with tomato, garlic, and...wait for it: Fresh Basil.) More lawn frass, errands, and the Callboard Softball game where dora and I pick a nicked, and did a spot of heckling and jeering. (In spite of my best efforts to come up with a rallying cry* or a mascot dance that was acceptable, the Knights still went 0 for 2 for the day.) After the game, moses and I went for a lazy assed walk around Nokomis to burn off the sammich before hitting Sonny's for a scoop of crema ice cream. (Settle down, bitches. I earned that mo-fo) By the time I got home with the intention of napping for buddies before going to another friends b-day, I ended up sleeping past 10:30pm...forcing me to leave an extremely apologetic voicemail for my girl. I'm a bum.

So there you have it. Chock a block full weekend. I think future weekends are going to be reserved for more "me" time and for projects going forward. Wait. That's not true. THIS Saturday I'm getting the frass outta Dodge, and subsequent weekends are going to be planning (wait for it...)

The wedding of one of my best friends. Cripes. New blog. What I'm a gonna do for his bachelor party? (I kid. I'll tell youse guys later)

*I think the best cry I could think of was "Daaaaavid Hasselhoff". And my psyche out babble to the other team was "Sugar in the gas tank, Howie....Sugar-In-The-Gas-TANK!"...

I'm nerdy.

Someone was frassin' online regarding "what exactly does 'Frassin' mean?" Well, I'll tell you like I told her.

The origin:

There was a group of us that used to email back and forth to alleviate the boredom of our workdays. Meme's, fun links, jokes, etc. Once, one of our members couldn't open a particular link and replied to "All": "I can't open the wav. file! Rassin' Frassin' Wells Fargo FIREWALL!!!" I like it and abridged it to just "Frassin". So now it's sort of a universal and generalized expletive/noun/verb/whatever.

In a bad mood? You're feeling frassy.
Got work to do around the house? You've got some house frassin' to do.
Kids around and you (maybe) can't say "Fuck"? "What the frass is going on here?"
Having a conversation with your roommate over beers? We were just frassin' 'bout life.
Do you like Warren Beatty? Maybe you've seen "Splendor in the Frass"?

Okay, the last one is dumb, and I'm weird...but there it is.

Frass. *

I kinda think it's cool how it's evolved and found it's way into folks vocabulary. I've got bosses, new hires, co-workers all using it. My folks have even dropped it a couple of times. Try it out for a while. Move around a little bit. Helps me.

Copyright by Baby P.

*It could have been worse. I could have tried inserting the Hamburglars "Robble Robble" into popular lexicon. Robbbbble.

X can cook.

Which I'd been warned about.


But damn. That was a really good dinner. And a lot of laughing. And a lot of time spent swinging in the back yard. And today, my hands are covered in calluses.

And I am really frassin' tired. I think a night off is in order. (yawns) Good thing our executive Vice President gave the company Starbarf's gift cards as a reward for our 1st quarter earnings.

snxkxnsskkssksnssssss....

P.O.F #1 *

*Point of Frass.

The fridge here in the break room at my office (Remember? The break room called "The Pantry" which I wanted to defile and have it read "The Panty"? Ugh...I get bored) So anyway, in an attempt to maintain cleanliness, facilities management (i.e. the Gestapo which doesn't allow plants/lamps/"garish decorations" like...oh...a huge stuffed Spider Man- in the office) well, good ol' "FM" sez that EVERY Friday, they will clean the fridge out completely. So, you know...be sure to get your shit outta there toute suite by 6pm, Friday night. So people have taken to writing what can only be described as pleading messages on their food, like "Please Please Please don't throw away my shredded cheese." Riiiiiight. Personally, if you'd have seen the condition of the old fridge, you'd have to agree that it's a pretty good idea. 400 people leaving their foodstuff for Goddess only knows how long, can get pretty foul.

Problem is, they've been listening to the pleading messages, and saving the food. Meaning that more and more people are leaving these notes on their lunches and snacks, and giving the rest of us poor slobs little to no room for our yogurt* or baby carrots. Some motherfucker actually brought not one, but TWO 1/2 gallon jugs of milk. 2 %, no less.


Milk. Obviously for, oh, the bowl of Kix they're going to enjoy at their desk...right?

Take your shit home on Friday, like everyone else. Or for fooks sake, Facilities....get on the ball.


* Some dork ate my yogurt yesterday. Not like, "Oh...I'll just take it back to my desk and eat it" noooooo, this individual actually put it back- half eaten. I thought it felt a little light when I brought it back to my desk. And did you know that the cafeteria sells yogurt too? For $1.59 a pop?

Hell's no. I'll starve before eating their bourgeouis yogurt.

P.O.F. #2

My co-worker who has been out of the office for a week (On vacay in Utah and Colorado) tells me this story:


"I came home and tossed down my bags, when I was overcome with a horrible smell- Skunk. I'm creepin' around, thinking I don't wanna surprise is in case it sprays! Nothing upstairs, so I slooooowly open the basement door and I no sooner get onto the first step when I see it sleepin' in the crawlspace not two feet away: Mama and her babies! So now I gotta skunk problem, and I have no idea what I'm gonna do!"

Me:
"Maybe you could cover your body in garbage bags like the kids at day camp who couldn't afford poncho's? You know, duct tape off the area's where there are gaps, and then where like a hockey helmet and some heavy gloves?"

Him:
"Maybe"

Me:
"Buddy? This is why I live in the city"


I've worked in the 'burbs too long. Anybody got a cubicle gopher job Downtown that pays well? I'm a "creative type". "High Energy". "Team Player".

You let this guy know.

For those that can appreciate the truly random

(Concrete sequentialists may wish to avert their gaze. This is gonna seem waaaaay to tangential for a lot of people)

My friends, this should give you a sample as to why ADHD/Random Talkymeats like yours truly are not to be treated lightly. (I’m way too frassin’ weird to be hung out with, let me tell you. )What I want to provide you all with is a free-form dump of what is going on in my brain right this second. You have two seconds to turn away.

Ready?
Break!

If I have lentil soup for lunch, will it make me farty tonight at karate?
The spinach I put in is a little wilty, I should probably get more, tonight
Maybe when I’m at the gro-gro store, I should get some sushi for dinner
Those policy accounting ladies were looking at my ass
Okay, I scheduled a massage, a car appointment, and called the Credit Union. I just need to call State Farm.
I’m probably gonna need a couple hundred more lbs. Of dirt for the front and side of the house
Should I buy that digital camera that was on sale? 5.0 megapixels at that price seems pretty good
I need a new cell phone
Shit, I need to call the travel agent too
What do I really want for dinner?
Do I have time to take a nap?
I want to finish "Capote" and "Ong Bak" tonight, but karate will definitely make me need to table one of those.
I want to re-watch "Batman Begins"
My neck’s killing me
N0 2 is the bomb
I want a kiss
Chinese sounds good, but it always sounds good
Broccoli florets. And Asparagus. Am I ambitious enough for bernaise?
Phone bill, Gas Bill, Water bill…all due
I’m gonna need to hit Rosedale again. Fuck
I want a softball mitt
I should buy hockey skates from Play it Again
Is tomorrow too soon for more Indian food?
I think this new polo shirt is way too tight. Or is it just me?
My hair is getting long again, thank goodness
I need a vacation
I have to act drunk without seeming drunk. Great. Actor Homework
Do I need to stop at the LQ on the way home? Nah, save your $
I need to remember to talk to ‘Bean about dinner and Twilight next week
A boca burger, that’ll be dinner.
Lots of frassin’ on the Callboard today.
I think that they are mad at me. Stop.
Go for a jog, clear your head.
Yoga after massage. After
I just want to sit down and read.
Make a grocery list
Hand out the CSR reports
Inter-office Tim my extra "Nidi" name badge
Ugh. Butt Sweat. Too much tabasco in the soup
Should I lift tonight and jog? Is it arms/shoulders/legs. Definitely jog. Too much food this weekend.
Call mom and dad to get the albums, lions, and chair. Also edging. And drain tubes.
Fuck a bunch of rain
She looks like a guy.
What is he wearing?
Who are those people doing side by sides?
I should wash that knife.
Tomatoes, Spinach, Fresh Basil…it’d be so much easier with an herb garden
Duluth
New Mexico
Tuscany
Go jog. Stay Hungry
Arrange the tv room
I want a bigger TV
I should make appt's to the doctor and dentist
3:45 yet?
Nap.
I can't remember the last time I ate pizza
Why isn’t anyone answering the phones?
Where’s my boss.
I can go to karate tomorrow over lunch too.
Oh, shit, it’s my late day tomorrow. I can watch all of the movies.
I need to sign up for stand up
I need a new car
I wonder how much OT I’m allowed this week.
Definitely need a nap
I should call Lattery and see how he’s doing
I’m glad Steve stopped over last night. I wish I could have hung out longer
What 2 DVD’s should I buy with that gift card?
That felt really good. Ugh.
When’ll this rain stop?
I need to finish the walkway. Ugh. Concrete is on sale at Menards
Plants/Flowers. What goes with tulips? Wright said "annuals" didn't she?




This is pretty much what’s flown through my head in the last 45 minutes. Welcome to my world.

Who has two thumbs...

And didn't do dick this weekend? This guy...right...here. (Thumbs to self)

After all the productivity and frass stemming from last weekend, I think I was entitled to a little R and R. To quick re-cap:

Friday: Ry and Mopes came over for some movie-age and Chipotle. ("Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" anyone? I think I may use a couple of monologues for next years unifieds. "Balls, Balls, Sweaty balls...") Annnnnnd, sleep.

Sats: Work/Fu/Run/Annnnnnd. Nada. There was a nap. Some minor house frass. Mopes came over for Indian Food (Seriously. Is there anyone reading this who doesn't like Indian Food? It's so frassin' good! I picked up some curry paste and basmati at my last trip to the gro-gro just so I can try whuppin' up some home made Indian Goodness. Incidentally, the Chutney grill serves some tasty shite.) "Guffman" (Christopher Guest, IMHO, is a frassin' genius) And actually made it into bed by 10:30pm. I'm aging like cheese.

Sunday was another brunch for buddies at Key's where I had an omelette that was the size of turkey pan. ("Where's my hash browns? Oh...they are IN the omelette. Oooookay. I get it now") And even though I had planned on helping my folks frass around their house, I was waylaid by a frickin' stiff neck that seemingly no amount of heating/icing/ibuprofening would alleviate. Which meant one thing. Couch time.

We plunked down to have a movie marathon ("The Pornicles of Pornia"which turned out to be a really enjoyable movie. Rent it if you haven't seen it.) before hitting the ' Mill for a read through. (I was treated to the most underwhelming salad...ever. Iceberg lettuce is the Devil)

Then it was home..."Ong Bak", and bed. By 10:30pm. I am the lamiest lamester in lamesville.

I attribute this to the fact that the non-stop rain brought me into a mental coma, the likes of which demanded participating in as little activity as possible. Except shop. That I did. I needed pants.

Jeez

Has this week drug by for anyone else? Like...molasses going uphill in the winter slow?

Thought so.


Crap, I'm about to frass about LAST weekend when THIS weekend pretty much starts today. It always frasses me up when I hear ahead of time that the weather is going to be shite for the next three days. Oh well. My tulips need it. Annnnnnd that makes me sound really gay. ("Really P? I thought it was when you said 'Gee, I like it when balls are in my face'...I thought that made you sound really gay")

So last weekend my friend YND came into town from LA so I had a little bbq for he and Jabas. We were later joined by Mopes, Brandino, Carlton, and even Grimes popped over for some frassing (And oh how I frassed. I'm a pretty big douchebag when it comes into getting argumentative over hot button topics. I really need to shup in a big bad way. Really. Could you act like a bigger dork in front of guests? This, folks, is yet another reason why I avoid politically charged discussions. One- I just don't like'em. Two? I come across sounding like an uninformed & argumentative douche. ) Question of the night from YND? "Who's that hot Asian chick you're standing next to in the picture?" Yeah MD, he was frassin' 'bout you.

Other than that, (and the fact that I, ohhhh, grabbed the red hot handle on my fire pit creating a HUGE blister on my hand) the night was wonderful. I love small gatherings and grilling. (Cautiously optimistic) This...could be the start of a great summer.


Sunday? That's right, pampers...Lawn frass. And oh, how the 'Bean and I frassed. I moved approximately 700 lbs. of black dirt (That's about 3 trips to Home Duh-Pot in my little Saturn. Please. Can someone be impressed? That is a shit-ton of topsoil, yo) We were both stripped to our waists in a vain attempt to get a little sun. After all that manual labor, I was getting pretty tired and still hadda go see a softball game. After staining the new wooden catbox (Thx, Minnaportana) I sat out on the stoop with my celebratory beer. Hm. That was pretty good. I think I'll have another. Dorajar calls me to see what my afternoon pursuits were, and I knew that after all that lawn frassin' I was gonna need a nap.

This was at 4:30.

Cut to 7:30 and Baby P waking up to his cell phone ringing with the text message "Longest nap in the history of naps?" Oops. One too many.

We next cut to the week. "Woman in Mind"...awesome.
Cast in "Blackbeard, for Instance" this summer. Awesome awesome.
Cocktails with Mopes at "Psycho Suzi's" and deeeeeeep conversation. Enlightening.
Annnnnnd...did I miss anything? Nope. Just a long ass week. (Oh, karate for buddies and working out. Christ, you're a dork)

Mostly, it felt like a really long and stressful week. I was frassy, argumentative, and selfish. And it wasn't even a full moon.

I'm gonna need vacation, stat. Duluth trip for buddies in 2 weeks.

Or maybe I could just jump out of an airplane.
Or hit someone.

Bogarted from Fitzable

1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal so you can do the same for other people.

Fuming...

Fuck a bunch of blogger. This shit is banana's. B A N A N A S. Won't let me post.