Recently I was reminded of the pressing need for blood donors, and how much blud is neccessary for those who need transfusions. As it was, I felt pretty strongly about being a donor this year...and embarrassingly enough it's been 13 years since I gave.
High School.
Merely to use it as an excuse to get out of school early, and get loopy on one Busch Light Draft.
I can't really let an opportunity for good comedy go to waste, so I thought I'd try out some all new old cheap material on the good nurses of Memorial Blood Center. Ahem....
On entering the bus:
"Is this where I get my tattoo?" (No laughs)
During my interview:
"These seem like awfully invasive questions just to donate sperm...where's the, (cough) 'video viewing' room anyway?" (There was a moment of frass, when they asked if I've slept with someone who's lived in Niger, Nigeria, Congo, and some other strange African continent. But I mean seriously, how many people really do know where Burkina Faso is anyway? Really.)
Having my pulse taken-
"How long have you been a runner?"
"How in the fuck do you know that?"
Upon discovering that my iron level was almost...almost too low.
"Um...I eat a shit ton of spinach you know. AND take a multi-vit. You just give that lil' tubey another squeeze, sunshine."
In the waiting area, when instructed to grab a beverage from the industrial cooler-
"Score! The last Miller Lite" (Then after digging) "Hey...how'd my kidney get in there?" (To which the nurse dryly exclaimed: "When you were passed out...")
The nurse, while the needle is getting inserted:
"You can breathe now..."
While the rocker pump is sucking me dry:
"Rock a bye blood cells, in the fat bag"
Looking at all the dentist chairs where the victims...I mean donors are laying:
"Hey. I don't see any real chairs in here. When you guys have to go back, do you get to pick which recliner you sit in?"
To someone asking how they know when you're done:
"Your body will be concave"
After donating (And after my first nurse got tired of my shit, and traded off to another nurse):
"So, it says no strenuous activity. Does that mean, like, laundry or lawn-mowing?"
(Nurseboy) "Just don't run a marathon"
"Can I go for a jog?"
(Nurseboy...blinking and staring) "Dude...you just donated a pint of blood"
"That can be replaced with Pinot Grigio...right?"
Upon looking at the stickers:
"Hey...this one says 'Be nice to me...I tried to donate blood'. I DID donate frassin' blood!"
(Nurseboy) "We have a bunch of the Rainbow stickers left..."
"Tried is fine..."
Long story short, I can now say I've given blood. Now, I must get a tattoo...which means I'll never be able to donate again. And judging by the responses from the good nurses, they probably won't miss me.
Give blood. It means a lot to a lot of people.
Vampire Paddywagon, btw. I kill me. Going into that frassin bus (with all the windows covered up) reminded me of the movie "Near Dark" where the vampires drive around cross country in a camper with the window's all covered up. IJS. Anyone else remember that one?
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