Our State Fair!

Is a great State Fair!

This is going to be long-ish...but please understand- It's a big..fucking...fair.

And f#ckin’ crooooowwwded. Oof.

Dorajar and I made plans to meet Ry-Gonn, his WeeF, and Muck-Muck at the Fair on Labor Day. Now, I need to disclaimer a few things before I tell you about the day, and please note…I cannot be brief:

Muck Muck, loves, the fair. And when I say "loves"? I mean like…if the Fair were "Fatal Attraction" he’d totally be Glenn Close. Well, that’s a little severe. Let’s just say wedding bells might be in their future. IJS. This year, the man went to the Fair- 8 times. (In his defense, he justified it by saying it was "mostly for the concerts". Right. This motherf#cker could eat. A lot.) THEY decided on having a "Fair Day"- Start as close to 7am as possible, and stay until 9-10pm (Right? Riiiight?), while Dora and I took a more prudent approach and did our humblest to sleep off our cheap beer induced hangovers from the night before, and wait for a blissful veggie chili induced constitutional. Overshare.

Now, we had planned on engaging in this Callboardian induced scavenger hunt where you take pictures of certain Fair Anachronisms for point and a "no-prize" award. (Ex: Picture of a Mullet, Butt crack, black socks and white shoes, kids on a leash, a hairy back, etc.) We would have RAKED’em in had we the foresight to remember a camera (and ki-boshing the notion of buying a disposable one as an unnecessary expense) from the moment we parked…we were greeted by a Dick-Enlarging Hummer, and one of the exiting parties had a full-blown case of muffin-top. (Before donning her Abercrombie and Fitch hoodie)

Before meeting up with the dynamic trio, we had a chance to do a bit of traipsing ourselves and after our breakfast of Pronto-Pup we hit some of the new stuff like:

-The Eco-Building (Props to the dumb-ass who told his kids they were going into the "Echo-Building". I wept inside.

-Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom interactive exhibit. (Where we got a free a goofy photo with an animatronic Bald Eagle. When I can get my fingies on a scanner, I’ll upload it. We’re nincompoops.)

-The most fascinating thing on the planet: The Butterfly House. This was a recommendation from Necomn the night before and Dora thought it sounded like a hot ticket. I wasn’t too jazzed about the whole schmear, thinking it would be tailored to the wee porkchops. Wrong, Baby P. It was a trip. A little disconcerting even. (Ever been divebombed by a monarch? Have you?) There was the little girl who was COVERED head to toe in butterflies (20 of’em at least. One on her mouth. She was walking sooooo carefully.) The wall full of resin-covered bugs (Not just moths or butterflies, oh no. They had scorpions, painted beetles, horned beetles, and these other multi-legged YUGE beasties that put the creepie crawlies from "The Mummy" or "Temple of Doom" to a pitiful shame. I kept up on it after we left "There is shit like THAT in the world. A bug that, by it’s mere appearance, would make me shit my pants" I avoided walking behind the b’fly covered chitlins and providing commentary- (whispering "Did you know that that particular breed of butterfly has the most toxic venom on the planet? You’re fine if you don’t make any sudden mov…oh…her fangs are out. Be cool, Fonzie") And it finally ended with the butterfly "Frisk Down" to make sure we didn’t have any random sucka’s hanging on. ("Muh wah ha ha…they didn’t check my PURSE!")


We finally hooked up with the muckster, et.al. after a prolonged game of cell tag, by then we were working on sharing our first brew. We did all the things we wanted to over the course of 6 hours (My Lord, were my dogs barking. My glutes and my arches were on fire by the time we loped back toward my car.) The mighty Midway had the return of the Sideshow which we passed on. (And is my only real regret that I missed this year.) The sword swallower (giggle) was pitching the show to all passers by and I over heard a lil’ kid say "How does he dooooo that?" to which I responded "Well, they fed him a scabbard when he was very young, and it lodged in his esophagus but still magically allows him to breath…" I figured I lost him after "scabbard".

We had our own scavenger hunt of sorts, where we basically just quietly pointed and rolled our eyes at some folk. Woman with a "Fem" Mullet, Number of ladies carrying a "Papoose", poor kid with a Helmet/Earmuffs/on a leash, Dudes who were "douchebags" (Namely the guy in Heritage Square wearing the muscle shirt that had two arrows on the bottom pointing to his sides and exclaimed "I don’t need to register THESE GUNS". Riiiight. Second place goes to the douchebag in the black ribbed a-shirt/khaki shorts/and wild messy hair who felt the need to strut every time he heard the Bee Gee’s/Soul Music…wait…oh…sorry. Two thumbs point back at this noble but fashion challenged blogger.)

Important tally: The food we shared-

Deep Fried Turkey Sammich. (The bomb. Don’t knock, y’all)
Freeeeench Fries
Mini-donuts
A bite of Ry-Gonns Steak Sammy
A nibble of spicy cajun turkey bites
2 beers
Sips of a banana milkshake
Numerous Waters/Diet Cokes

I avoid cheese curds these days like the plague. One, maybe two can be put down. Any more, I’m gonna vom.

I didn’t wind making any purchases. Outside of the Kung Fu gi’s, I didn’t find a replacement for my cowboy hat that I misplaced after the 4th of July.

We drove home…barely conscious. And passed out for a 2 hour grease interuppted nap. My plumbing’ll be clogged for days. Hell, I felt it today at karate.

But I love it so.

364 days until the next time.