Let’s see, not to put to fine a point on it…
P needs to buy some more. Begin the Rubber Rant.
When I was single or in previous relations I had them around and they seemed to last forever. Oh sure, I’d burn through them early on in my old relationships, and then wind up left with an almost full box by the time we’d broken up. (Nothing sadder than a dusty box of rubbers in your nightstand. They taunt you, y’know. "Hey P? ‘Member us guys? We used to hang out…now what’s up? There’s corn growing in the box from all the dust…poor Jimmie here has got asthma…Let’s get together again soon, huh?") I’m weird, and my condoms talk to me.
And y’know when I was single and "Gods Gift to Wimmin" they lasted a while too. (Sorry, I had to Kaiser…Really, I can’t say I was "God’s gift". It was more like there were, on occasion, some ladies who took pity on my "all-new old cheap moves", and God had pity. Well, that and I’ve been involved in relationships for much longer periods than I’ve ever been single. And single ugly dudes just don’t get as much play as you tall thin Abercrombie Boys. A sexual Job I was.)
So…I’m at Le Bullseye yestiddy and I figured I couldn’t buy the condoms and leave. So, I grab "The Princess Bride" and a Diet Mountain Dew to pad my basket, and head over to the express aisle where a nice motherly looking plump Hispanic woman named, I don’t know, Emphysema, waited to help me. Blip, goes the movie. Blip, goes the soda. (Slow motion now) Bloooooooop…She must of rubbed the box over the scanner 3 or 4 times (Of course.) and then looks at me with a smile. We say nothing more. I pay and leave.
She did better than I would have. "Caffeine beverage huh? Yer gonna wanna stay awake tonight! Oh, ‘the Princess Bride’ too? Great film. That ‘Twue Wove’ dude gets me so horny." Really, I know I shouldn’t feel self-conscious, and I also know that gals need to buy a lot of things deemed "embarrassing". I just turn into a jr. high schooler when I’m purchasing prophylactics.
Whatever. I got the mega-mega-pack. That should last me a while. And they’re "Extra sensitive", so that means they cry during sad movies.
5 comments:
I'm never gonna live down mentioning that "God's Gift" thing am I?
Ah the rubber dance... always good times. I remember one time in recent history I was drving with a certain young lady after leaving a party. We decided that we were in dire need of some relations, and a stop at the store to pick up some "equipment" was needed. Gas stations in the area were closed, so we go to Cub Foods. At 3am.
We both venture into the store... and head back the area. Spend 5 minutes discussing the brand (We were a little toasty) and then head up to the counter shoving them back and forth between us. Get to the register and I lose out and end up going in for the kill. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep... *krrk* "Can I get a price check on isle 4?"
I shit you not... I think they were f'ing with me. I mean, what else do you do at 3am at Cub Foods on a Saturday night?
I am with you there P--
Could NEVER go into a store to buy those certain female things without buying about five other stupid ass nick nacks that I really didnt need. Thank GOD I dont have to do that anymore...
You should try to buy them once without anything else and see how many shades of red you turn....
Fun times, fun times.
"I just turn into a jr. high schooler when I’m purchasing prophylactics."
Only then?? :)
Bother. You know it was me, but still -
Juliana
i'll atest to clerks loving to mess with people who buy condoms! i once hade a nice lady ask if i wanted a bag for them or if i'd be wearing them out! no lie, almost messed me up for life... wait.
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