Do NOT do the following while inebriate*

*Brought to you by P’s book of etiquette. Some dates and sources are cited. All stories: True
Additions welcome in the comment area below.


1-Drive. Doi. (1999- I was at a party on Lake and Pleasant. I lived 3 blocks away. I stumbled out into my car…and passed out. I woke up covered in frost. 3-BLOCKS! Runner up would be the time I thought leaving a party hammered would be smart, and after I said my goodbyes I headed out the door. When it was really the broom closet) I lucked out, y’all.

2-Use a pool cue as a bo staff. (1998- "pool" party at a now defunct bar in the Geef’s hometown of SLP. As I was flailing it around, I almost broke the light over the table and pretty much scared the bejeezus outta the partygoers. My big brother thought it was funny.)

3-Tell the chick at the bar she looks just like Denise Richards. And then go on to say that you know her (Denise) personally. Yeah.

4-Swim. Skinny dipping seemed like a pretty good idea at the time, until I started swimming back toward the dock and vomited. Not, my finest moment.

5-Destroy a hotel room. Happy "Golden Birthday" P. Who do you think you are? Axl Rose?

6-Eat Sushi as "After Bar" food. For that matter, (sorry Kaiser, I know you love it) White Casshole does NOT make good drunk food. ‘Specially when you are emptying the contents of your stomach in the shower the following morning.

7-Hit on the bride at the wedding. Even when she starts it. They’re divorced now, in case you’re wondering. And dude is gay.

8-Attend parties thrown by (recent) ex’s who "think you’re the best guy and want to stay friends". Whatever. Taste my drunken FURY!!!

8.5-Along the party motif, don’t attend parties (where) you don’t know anybody…then proceed to get wasted to compensate.

9-Dive headfirst into a roomful of lesbians who are in full make out mode…. Scratch that. Move along to number 10. (That's one for Butterfly Girl)

10-Drink Rumpleminz until 5 am, then try to make it to your 8am Philosophy class. I did it. It sucked.

11-Don’t talk to your parents. (2000) It was a depressing time when both my brother (Who was recently dumped) and I (who was recently dumped) had to move back home for a couple of months. We shut down the BP Applebee’s (Where I told EVERYBODY that MY picture was up on the wall in the back...and that I was a practical CELEBRITY.) and I proceeded to berate my mom on her packrat tendencies when I got home. Big brother nearly broke my ribs the next night at sparring for that one.

12-Shark a party. If you don’t know what "sharking" is, I can tell you later. All I’m saying, is…well, yeah. Just don’t. Same thing goes for sneaking a quickie. Bad form. And the guests might see yer boner. (That's two for Butterfly Girl)

13-Sneak a quickie in a masonic temple. Pretty cool, but damn scary.

14-Spar. We all know that fighting is bad, ‘specially when drinking. You know, this is a better story for later.

15- Exercise, Jog...whatever. Trust me...wine is NOT Gatorade.

16-Talk. At all. Okay, this goes double for me, but seriously. P, STFU!!!