Due to the Strib's recent coverage of prom, my current employs at a formal wear store, and Kaiser's Friday Fiver, I present you...dear viewer, with this cherished memory: (It was a little "Blue" to be ran in the Strib.)
The Players-
My date: The Blonde Cheerleader (Or, "big boobed girl" as J calls her) At this time in our young Junior Year Romance, she had yet to cheat on me, and was currently only whining about her "ex". She thought she was pregnant: Every other day. (Even though we hadn’t done "it" in about 5 months.)
Me: Mulleted. Depressed due to this nut-job breaking up and making up with me on a weekly basis, and slowly going broke buying superfluous immaculate conception pregnancy exams. Did I mention that loyalty and stupidity could be bosom comrades?
The "Other Couple": Her best friend and bf’s beef. They had a jones to go from prom and get a room at the FantaSuites in Burnsville. $200 bucks for the dumb ass "Northern Lights" Room- that’s the Igloo room for the uniformed. Oh, for non-MN residents- this is the hotel with the cheesy "theme" rooms that probably video tapes amateur adult film stars. (Or, middle aged couples trying something new.) I saw where they put the camera in the top of the igloo.
Our Story:
We had the booze in the back of the caravan and a mind to party (A bottle of Sun Country, a bottle of Maui, and a bottle of Jack. The Jack was all for the other dude.) After a disastrous dinner where my date spilled her ravioli down the front of her dress, we headed out to Town Square in St. Paul. We were only there for 15 minutes before the other couple, red faced and sweaty from necking, reeeeeally wanted to get back to the hotel. (To give you an example of my perfect love life, my date and I didn’t even dance once. When she and her "ex’s" song came on, she went in the bathroom and cried.)
Later, Me, Raccoon-date, and the Horny’s headed back to the hotel, got into our trunks, filled the hot tub, and proceeded to get sauced and soak. Early on, all was fine. My date was drunk and depressed, the other two were necking in the far corner, and I was thinking (As my mullet floated behind me) about how I was gonna be the one guy not to get any on prom. The # crunchers would love me.
Suddenly, dude # 2 hops on the side and drops his drawers..while his girl starts, um, servicing him while simultaneously undoing her bikini top. (My guess was that they had done this before.) Things started to get little uncomfortable, but my date actually seemed oblivious to all the goings on. That is until girl # 2 turned and (In what looked like an innocent hug) steals away my dates top and chucks it. Then dives under water and yoinks MY trunks and chucks the Hasselhoffs across the room. (They were red gym shorts. I didn't own a real pair of swim trunks at the time.) All the while dude # 2 starts yelling "We should swap, dude!" and "I TOTALLY have a BONER", or my favorite "Fuck Penis Envy, I rullllee!!!". My girl dips down to about her neck to protect her modesty, while I desperately try and think of a saavy way out of this mess.
BUM BUM BUMMMMMMM!!!!!
TBC
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