Not too shabby
Is ¼ Cabby. That’s right folks, I arrived home this Friday evening after a booooooring night at job #2 to ¼ of the cabinets completed. (Seriously, one dude working by himself for 10 hours? Get yourself a helper, man! Sheesh!) Apparently installing the corner unit (unit, Smile) is the toughest part and the rest is “Duck Soup”. Oh well. Perhaps yea job will be verily complete tonight?
So, I attended a goo-bye soiree’ for a friend going out to NYC and can I just say LUCKY! Seriously, some peeps have fortune smile at them and damn…for what she’s getting for a 2 BR in the city? Well, Damn. Anyway, I think (all things considered) I was on my best behaviour that evening, and was even joined by my loverly fiancée’. Geef and I are officially married (Sorry Weef) as I have bestowed him with the “one ring” for his upcoming Flying G supershow. Brother, I so hope it can make it onstage. Kaiser said he was wearing an ensemble that was similar to tastes that I have. Huh. I’m a fashion plate and didn’t even know it. I had a funny in here about “Mini-P” but (A) it sounds dirty and (B) Dude is taller than me. No way.
Did I mention that the bar had all sorts of hot-ass-folks in there? Seriously, out of towners should check out the fine ass boys and girls in our theatre scene. I’m just sayin’.
Saturday I saw an awesome Rick III. RPK said it best “Sally and GG are FIERCE”. Oh yeah. That pretty much sums it up. Just, bad ass acting all around. (There was one gal in the cast that just physically reminded me a smidge of “Cheri Oteri”. Funny.) I’m batting a .1000 right now, (seeing good shows over the past 4 weeks) With “Desire” coming up next weekend, I’m hoping for a pentaveret of good theatre.
I did scoot out of the theatre in haste because (get this) I had to regress to high school. That’s right kids, Mom and Dad was outta town so me and the girl snuck over to use the Hot Tub. And it felt awesome, all around. (“No it’s cool baby, the shades are drawn and I’ve locked the porch. We can get totally buck if we want too.” Yup. Totally-Buck. There it is: further proof that I’m living in 1991)
Lawn work took up the remainder of the weekend. And I am...in pain. All over. In my defense, who the frick plants shrubs all over ramshackle in a back yard? WTF were you thinking? Do you have any idea how shitty it is to back hoe out all that shit manually? Fuck. I collapsed on the lawn (To be funny, mind you) but I was plumb ass exhausted. And I had the back-hoe bounce and spin back at me, cracking my knee-cap. I cursed. ("Jeezus-Titty Fucking CHRIST That HURTS!") Later, we iced down and BQ’ed (well, “Foremen’ed” outside) and later watched the movie “Geef part II” and the newest funny funny that y’all should rent (I’m slow w/movie rentals) “Team America: World Police”. I cried laughing. “America!!! Fuck YEAH!!!” Just...too many quotable things in that movie. You got that, Chuck?
And, um, I said “No” to the show. After some thought I felt it for the best. I recommended a dude that would be good for it. I am fairly certain my decision didn’t make them happy, but... Well, yeah. Them’s the breaks. The end. How was yer weekendses?
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Friday, May 27, 2005
3 days of Cabinetry
In no particular order:
1-Cabinets. Swwwweeet!!!! They are being installed as we speak. Forking FINALLY!
2-I took a nice 2 hour nap yesterday. Which meant I could barely sleep a wink last night. Which meant that every noise was prone to wake my insomniatic ass up. Including fiancee's coughing fits (She's been illin') ANNNDD some weird situation which took place a scant 5 blocks away from my house. (I'm thinking- WTF am I hearing sirens and helicopters right-outside-my-window. Dang!!!!) Read about it here. Sad story. I used to tan at Tom's back when I went to school at the "U".
3-From MPR- Typically May in MN means 61% of the month is sunny and mild. In 2005 however, that # has dropped to 34%. And I wonder why I've been grumpikins lately. This weather sucks balls.
4-I called someone to say I didn't think I could take a gig. Makes me feel bad. I have a recommendation of someone to do it, but yeah...still makes me feel bad.
5-Seeing Rick 3.0 this weekend. Marking the 3rd weekend in a row I've ventured out for some theatre. I'm on a roll kids. And fricking broke.
6*I got a consolidation loan for all of my plastic. One bill per month, One way-the-frick lower interest rate. Sure, it'll take me 4 years to dig out again (Barring superfluous funds finding there way into my wallet). But, I'm no longer a slave to the debtors prison which is capital one.
7-Might go out to "Der Markt" this evening to wish the Heebs well in her new venture. But, am I like the only person in the world who was suprised by this? Hasn't she lived in over half the continental US w/in the last 5 minutes. I kid. But whereTF is her man-sandwich? You know... That movie writing dork? Wait...who am I kidding? I'll probably stay home and make love to my new cabinets...Mmmmmm ginger-glaze cathedral cut crown moooolding....Oooooooo. What?
8-My parents signed a purchase agreement on a new townhome. It's official: Everybody in my fam has now purchased homes within the last 6 months. That, friends, is weird.
9-While visiting my gayfriendssssteve and his partner at their home, a HUUUUGE rainbow appeared off in the distance after the storm. I couldn't have possibly made a comment which would have matched the irony- "Well there it is: This neighborhood is now the Gayest Gayopolis in the Twin Cities metro."
10-The "Servery" (My buildings cafeteria) shuts down for 2 hours from 9-11am for "kitchen prep" That also means no coffee, water, snacks, etc. That SUCKS Servery ASS!
11-My boss used the term "Mightily" in a team meeting today. To many snickers.
Boss- "What? Mightily is a word"
Me- "Don't worry, Thor, they've probably never heard it"
Boss- "Thanks"
Me- "Yea...verily"
1-Cabinets. Swwwweeet!!!! They are being installed as we speak. Forking FINALLY!
2-I took a nice 2 hour nap yesterday. Which meant I could barely sleep a wink last night. Which meant that every noise was prone to wake my insomniatic ass up. Including fiancee's coughing fits (She's been illin') ANNNDD some weird situation which took place a scant 5 blocks away from my house. (I'm thinking- WTF am I hearing sirens and helicopters right-outside-my-window. Dang!!!!) Read about it here. Sad story. I used to tan at Tom's back when I went to school at the "U".
3-From MPR- Typically May in MN means 61% of the month is sunny and mild. In 2005 however, that # has dropped to 34%. And I wonder why I've been grumpikins lately. This weather sucks balls.
4-I called someone to say I didn't think I could take a gig. Makes me feel bad. I have a recommendation of someone to do it, but yeah...still makes me feel bad.
5-Seeing Rick 3.0 this weekend. Marking the 3rd weekend in a row I've ventured out for some theatre. I'm on a roll kids. And fricking broke.
6*I got a consolidation loan for all of my plastic. One bill per month, One way-the-frick lower interest rate. Sure, it'll take me 4 years to dig out again (Barring superfluous funds finding there way into my wallet). But, I'm no longer a slave to the debtors prison which is capital one.
7-Might go out to "Der Markt" this evening to wish the Heebs well in her new venture. But, am I like the only person in the world who was suprised by this? Hasn't she lived in over half the continental US w/in the last 5 minutes. I kid. But whereTF is her man-sandwich? You know... That movie writing dork? Wait...who am I kidding? I'll probably stay home and make love to my new cabinets...Mmmmmm ginger-glaze cathedral cut crown moooolding....Oooooooo. What?
8-My parents signed a purchase agreement on a new townhome. It's official: Everybody in my fam has now purchased homes within the last 6 months. That, friends, is weird.
9-While visiting my gayfriendssssteve and his partner at their home, a HUUUUGE rainbow appeared off in the distance after the storm. I couldn't have possibly made a comment which would have matched the irony- "Well there it is: This neighborhood is now the Gayest Gayopolis in the Twin Cities metro."
10-The "Servery" (My buildings cafeteria) shuts down for 2 hours from 9-11am for "kitchen prep" That also means no coffee, water, snacks, etc. That SUCKS Servery ASS!
11-My boss used the term "Mightily" in a team meeting today. To many snickers.
Boss- "What? Mightily is a word"
Me- "Don't worry, Thor, they've probably never heard it"
Boss- "Thanks"
Me- "Yea...verily"
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Do NOT do the following while inebriate*
*Brought to you by P’s book of etiquette. Some dates and sources are cited. All stories: True
Additions welcome in the comment area below.
1-Drive. Doi. (1999- I was at a party on Lake and Pleasant. I lived 3 blocks away. I stumbled out into my car…and passed out. I woke up covered in frost. 3-BLOCKS! Runner up would be the time I thought leaving a party hammered would be smart, and after I said my goodbyes I headed out the door. When it was really the broom closet) I lucked out, y’all.
2-Use a pool cue as a bo staff. (1998- "pool" party at a now defunct bar in the Geef’s hometown of SLP. As I was flailing it around, I almost broke the light over the table and pretty much scared the bejeezus outta the partygoers. My big brother thought it was funny.)
3-Tell the chick at the bar she looks just like Denise Richards. And then go on to say that you know her (Denise) personally. Yeah.
4-Swim. Skinny dipping seemed like a pretty good idea at the time, until I started swimming back toward the dock and vomited. Not, my finest moment.
5-Destroy a hotel room. Happy "Golden Birthday" P. Who do you think you are? Axl Rose?
6-Eat Sushi as "After Bar" food. For that matter, (sorry Kaiser, I know you love it) White Casshole does NOT make good drunk food. ‘Specially when you are emptying the contents of your stomach in the shower the following morning.
7-Hit on the bride at the wedding. Even when she starts it. They’re divorced now, in case you’re wondering. And dude is gay.
8-Attend parties thrown by (recent) ex’s who "think you’re the best guy and want to stay friends". Whatever. Taste my drunken FURY!!!
8.5-Along the party motif, don’t attend parties (where) you don’t know anybody…then proceed to get wasted to compensate.
9-Dive headfirst into a roomful of lesbians who are in full make out mode…. Scratch that. Move along to number 10. (That's one for Butterfly Girl)
10-Drink Rumpleminz until 5 am, then try to make it to your 8am Philosophy class. I did it. It sucked.
11-Don’t talk to your parents. (2000) It was a depressing time when both my brother (Who was recently dumped) and I (who was recently dumped) had to move back home for a couple of months. We shut down the BP Applebee’s (Where I told EVERYBODY that MY picture was up on the wall in the back...and that I was a practical CELEBRITY.) and I proceeded to berate my mom on her packrat tendencies when I got home. Big brother nearly broke my ribs the next night at sparring for that one.
12-Shark a party. If you don’t know what "sharking" is, I can tell you later. All I’m saying, is…well, yeah. Just don’t. Same thing goes for sneaking a quickie. Bad form. And the guests might see yer boner. (That's two for Butterfly Girl)
13-Sneak a quickie in a masonic temple. Pretty cool, but damn scary.
14-Spar. We all know that fighting is bad, ‘specially when drinking. You know, this is a better story for later.
15- Exercise, Jog...whatever. Trust me...wine is NOT Gatorade.
16-Talk. At all. Okay, this goes double for me, but seriously. P, STFU!!!
Additions welcome in the comment area below.
1-Drive. Doi. (1999- I was at a party on Lake and Pleasant. I lived 3 blocks away. I stumbled out into my car…and passed out. I woke up covered in frost. 3-BLOCKS! Runner up would be the time I thought leaving a party hammered would be smart, and after I said my goodbyes I headed out the door. When it was really the broom closet) I lucked out, y’all.
2-Use a pool cue as a bo staff. (1998- "pool" party at a now defunct bar in the Geef’s hometown of SLP. As I was flailing it around, I almost broke the light over the table and pretty much scared the bejeezus outta the partygoers. My big brother thought it was funny.)
3-Tell the chick at the bar she looks just like Denise Richards. And then go on to say that you know her (Denise) personally. Yeah.
4-Swim. Skinny dipping seemed like a pretty good idea at the time, until I started swimming back toward the dock and vomited. Not, my finest moment.
5-Destroy a hotel room. Happy "Golden Birthday" P. Who do you think you are? Axl Rose?
6-Eat Sushi as "After Bar" food. For that matter, (sorry Kaiser, I know you love it) White Casshole does NOT make good drunk food. ‘Specially when you are emptying the contents of your stomach in the shower the following morning.
7-Hit on the bride at the wedding. Even when she starts it. They’re divorced now, in case you’re wondering. And dude is gay.
8-Attend parties thrown by (recent) ex’s who "think you’re the best guy and want to stay friends". Whatever. Taste my drunken FURY!!!
8.5-Along the party motif, don’t attend parties (where) you don’t know anybody…then proceed to get wasted to compensate.
9-Dive headfirst into a roomful of lesbians who are in full make out mode…. Scratch that. Move along to number 10. (That's one for Butterfly Girl)
10-Drink Rumpleminz until 5 am, then try to make it to your 8am Philosophy class. I did it. It sucked.
11-Don’t talk to your parents. (2000) It was a depressing time when both my brother (Who was recently dumped) and I (who was recently dumped) had to move back home for a couple of months. We shut down the BP Applebee’s (Where I told EVERYBODY that MY picture was up on the wall in the back...and that I was a practical CELEBRITY.) and I proceeded to berate my mom on her packrat tendencies when I got home. Big brother nearly broke my ribs the next night at sparring for that one.
12-Shark a party. If you don’t know what "sharking" is, I can tell you later. All I’m saying, is…well, yeah. Just don’t. Same thing goes for sneaking a quickie. Bad form. And the guests might see yer boner. (That's two for Butterfly Girl)
13-Sneak a quickie in a masonic temple. Pretty cool, but damn scary.
14-Spar. We all know that fighting is bad, ‘specially when drinking. You know, this is a better story for later.
15- Exercise, Jog...whatever. Trust me...wine is NOT Gatorade.
16-Talk. At all. Okay, this goes double for me, but seriously. P, STFU!!!
My mouth tastes like cat litter
Urgh. (1st of all- thanks for all the advice yestiddy, peeps. I appreciate it.)
I have a hangover. A mild one, but a hangover nonetheless. And I hate it. Hard to feel on top of your game when you have that revolting sour taste in the back of your mouth. Berrgah. Maybe it's cos I was drinking the Pinot from a pint glass...( I'm a classy broad, what can I say?) Or maybe it was after the bottle was empty ( NOT by my hand, thank you. I teetotal, but not that..totally.) when I opted for a beer. Ick Ick Ick. When I went home to paint, I ended up stripping, showering, and hittin' the hay. Didn't even get to say "Goodnight" to my sweetbaby. Wait, I should hit "rewind" for a sec.
I went to a fun little dinner party last night. I really dig on gatherings like that- (Not to disparage big parties, of course) but a night of good food, booze, and conversation IMHO is never a wasted evening. I brought a charming little pesto pasta dish which wasn't as popular as I had hoped...However I am suspect that somebodies shrimp toast manipulated everyones willpower. ; ) You want a spirited discussion? Try putting someone that haaated the new Star Wars in a room with someone who loves SW canon. The conversation SHOULD have died quickly but ohnononon... I had to keep it going. Nanook- I am a nitwit who should be banned from licka and parties. BTW, if you see a certain bald director-give him a hug. He had a awfulnogoodverybad day yesterday.
Today- I'm hungover (If I hadn't mentioned it before), bloated all to hell (Thank Beer!), and ruing the day I ever thought I should wear a tank top to a spring dinner party (Kaiser, I'm wearing baggy clothes for the rest of the year). I should really just make it a point to lock myself in my house when I get an invite to these things. Or maybe, oh I don't knoooow...not drink when I go to them? I'm like Bridget frickin Jones when it comes to drinking and talking. Oooooo there is a new thread: Things NOT to do after drinking a lot. (And I'm not just talking about driving.)
I have a hangover. A mild one, but a hangover nonetheless. And I hate it. Hard to feel on top of your game when you have that revolting sour taste in the back of your mouth. Berrgah. Maybe it's cos I was drinking the Pinot from a pint glass...( I'm a classy broad, what can I say?) Or maybe it was after the bottle was empty ( NOT by my hand, thank you. I teetotal, but not that..totally.) when I opted for a beer. Ick Ick Ick. When I went home to paint, I ended up stripping, showering, and hittin' the hay. Didn't even get to say "Goodnight" to my sweetbaby. Wait, I should hit "rewind" for a sec.
I went to a fun little dinner party last night. I really dig on gatherings like that- (Not to disparage big parties, of course) but a night of good food, booze, and conversation IMHO is never a wasted evening. I brought a charming little pesto pasta dish which wasn't as popular as I had hoped...However I am suspect that somebodies shrimp toast manipulated everyones willpower. ; ) You want a spirited discussion? Try putting someone that haaated the new Star Wars in a room with someone who loves SW canon. The conversation SHOULD have died quickly but ohnononon... I had to keep it going. Nanook- I am a nitwit who should be banned from licka and parties. BTW, if you see a certain bald director-give him a hug. He had a awfulnogoodverybad day yesterday.
Today- I'm hungover (If I hadn't mentioned it before), bloated all to hell (Thank Beer!), and ruing the day I ever thought I should wear a tank top to a spring dinner party (Kaiser, I'm wearing baggy clothes for the rest of the year). I should really just make it a point to lock myself in my house when I get an invite to these things. Or maybe, oh I don't knoooow...not drink when I go to them? I'm like Bridget frickin Jones when it comes to drinking and talking. Oooooo there is a new thread: Things NOT to do after drinking a lot. (And I'm not just talking about driving.)
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
A little help...
So, um. Before I shit out anything light and fluffy...I need a little insight from all peeps theatrical who read this. Cause, um, things always seem to turn out this way for me and I'm a scatterbrain who can't make up his mo-fo'ing mind.
Any insight, would be appreciated, and if your wisdom proves true, the next time I see you I promise a full-on mouth kiss. Guy or Girl. I'm not picky.
3 shows. All of which run prrrreeettty much simultaneously. 9/9/05 to 10/1/05 ish.
1) I get a phone call last night to talk about H/R&G. Could be box-officering for all I know, but I'm kinda sure they had a drop out. Now, I haven't had time to call back and get all the details, alls I know right now is when they run. And I love the play(s), it's a company I've never worked for but I trust the people that direct it to do a good job.
2) Gayspell Auditions: Next weekend the 4th and 5th of June. Haven't done a musical since UBetcha. Would like to do a musical. There, I said it. I happen to like the music (having seen a fun, goofy version that an ex gf was in a few years back) , its a company I've never worked for, and I think it would be a good experience.
3) TeRP is holding auditions for Picnic on 6/13 and 14, directed by old whathisname. His wife put a bug in my ear to "seriously consider" auditioning, and when I talked to him at the Geef's Birthday it only served to further fuel the fire by purchusing, and re-reading the damn script. (I don't do my homework like this for auditions/shows unless I get a serious hard-on for the character/show. Get me?)
So yeah- one show I'm pretty much already in. 2 others are auditioning a week apart. Conventional wisdom says to call back the director to get info, tell them my sitch, and give them a 2 week turnaround time for a response. (Nice and hestitant. And you wonder, P, why you are plague-like in this theatre community. Brash AND indecisive) The other thing, is to audition for both shows anyway, what the hell. You can't approach these things like you're already cast, (Assuming makes and ass outta u and me.) but with everything coming at me so close together, coupled with the fact that all of these shows fall right the frick on top of each other...
Well, actors and directors alike read this filthy filthy blog. Should I audition for'em both? Are there any shows that my readers are leaning toward? Am I fishing for shit that's already cast? Or trying for roles that I have no business trying for. Go with the sure thing? WHAT AM I TO DO??? Why can't these companies plan there damn seasons around my absent-mindedness..ess.
Hell, I'll still probably audition for both of the shows over the next two weeks, but damn. When it rains, it mo-fo'ing pours.
Furg. Maybe I should just audition to be an extra (urm, "essential" sorry) at the G in "His Gal Freitag". Well, I could keep the Geef company. And we could go for a run around Lake of the Isles on the "2 a days".
Any insight, would be appreciated, and if your wisdom proves true, the next time I see you I promise a full-on mouth kiss. Guy or Girl. I'm not picky.
3 shows. All of which run prrrreeettty much simultaneously. 9/9/05 to 10/1/05 ish.
1) I get a phone call last night to talk about H/R&G. Could be box-officering for all I know, but I'm kinda sure they had a drop out. Now, I haven't had time to call back and get all the details, alls I know right now is when they run. And I love the play(s), it's a company I've never worked for but I trust the people that direct it to do a good job.
2) Gayspell Auditions: Next weekend the 4th and 5th of June. Haven't done a musical since UBetcha. Would like to do a musical. There, I said it. I happen to like the music (having seen a fun, goofy version that an ex gf was in a few years back) , its a company I've never worked for, and I think it would be a good experience.
3) TeRP is holding auditions for Picnic on 6/13 and 14, directed by old whathisname. His wife put a bug in my ear to "seriously consider" auditioning, and when I talked to him at the Geef's Birthday it only served to further fuel the fire by purchusing, and re-reading the damn script. (I don't do my homework like this for auditions/shows unless I get a serious hard-on for the character/show. Get me?)
So yeah- one show I'm pretty much already in. 2 others are auditioning a week apart. Conventional wisdom says to call back the director to get info, tell them my sitch, and give them a 2 week turnaround time for a response. (Nice and hestitant. And you wonder, P, why you are plague-like in this theatre community. Brash AND indecisive) The other thing, is to audition for both shows anyway, what the hell. You can't approach these things like you're already cast, (Assuming makes and ass outta u and me.) but with everything coming at me so close together, coupled with the fact that all of these shows fall right the frick on top of each other...
Well, actors and directors alike read this filthy filthy blog. Should I audition for'em both? Are there any shows that my readers are leaning toward? Am I fishing for shit that's already cast? Or trying for roles that I have no business trying for. Go with the sure thing? WHAT AM I TO DO??? Why can't these companies plan there damn seasons around my absent-mindedness..ess.
Hell, I'll still probably audition for both of the shows over the next two weeks, but damn. When it rains, it mo-fo'ing pours.
Furg. Maybe I should just audition to be an extra (urm, "essential" sorry) at the G in "His Gal Freitag". Well, I could keep the Geef company. And we could go for a run around Lake of the Isles on the "2 a days".
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Just a little Prick...
Somedays, the IMDB quote of the day makes me smile. I was almost gonna use it as a tag-
"You have to purify yourself in Lake Minnetonka" - Purple Rain.
Our great state is famous!
Todays birthdays include two of my favorite actors-
John C Reilly (Love me some Boogie Nights: "Let's get is some of that Saturday Night Beaver". AND performed him some Williams ala' "Streetcar"- Small Geefy World)
Also
Alfred Molina (He did Spidey 2, doi. BUT, again with the Boogie Nights: "That's Kosmo. He's Chinese." Or how about "Raiders"? "Throw me the idol!!!" )
J is getting acupuncture today. My sweet love will now be a dancing pink pincushion. Don't ever repeat this, but I've wanted acupuncture since I was a little kid. I was rifling through dad's naughty magazine stash and in an issue of "Oui" there was a centerfold with acupuncture, (ahem) "all over" ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo... Okay, so that wasn't the real reason (snicker) -
About 8 or 9 years ago, I had a martial artist friend of mine who got himself into a car accident. He royally fouled up his back, so he was recommended to a puncture artist by his chiropractor. (I can see my parents now: "Witch Doctors!!! All of 'em!!!") ANYhey, he had it done, and while he was getting pricked the old holistic medicinalist said "Bad Blood may rise, wait and see!" And it did. Holeee Molee, the guy's back looked like someone had full-on jumped up and down on him. What he told me was that his back was as good as he had felt in months, and he was finally able to move his head from left to right without pain. That, is something I'd be willing to try. (Even though one of the side effects J read to me last night was "relaxed bowels". Whoops, Mr. Puncture-dude...I crapped my pants.)
I hope it works for my love. Well, without the incontinence part. And they better stay away from her goodies! Lousy naughty magazine. Lousy scenario burned into my head.
"You have to purify yourself in Lake Minnetonka" - Purple Rain.
Our great state is famous!
Todays birthdays include two of my favorite actors-
John C Reilly (Love me some Boogie Nights: "Let's get is some of that Saturday Night Beaver". AND performed him some Williams ala' "Streetcar"- Small Geefy World)
Also
Alfred Molina (He did Spidey 2, doi. BUT, again with the Boogie Nights: "That's Kosmo. He's Chinese." Or how about "Raiders"? "Throw me the idol!!!" )
J is getting acupuncture today. My sweet love will now be a dancing pink pincushion. Don't ever repeat this, but I've wanted acupuncture since I was a little kid. I was rifling through dad's naughty magazine stash and in an issue of "Oui" there was a centerfold with acupuncture, (ahem) "all over" ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo... Okay, so that wasn't the real reason (snicker) -
About 8 or 9 years ago, I had a martial artist friend of mine who got himself into a car accident. He royally fouled up his back, so he was recommended to a puncture artist by his chiropractor. (I can see my parents now: "Witch Doctors!!! All of 'em!!!") ANYhey, he had it done, and while he was getting pricked the old holistic medicinalist said "Bad Blood may rise, wait and see!" And it did. Holeee Molee, the guy's back looked like someone had full-on jumped up and down on him. What he told me was that his back was as good as he had felt in months, and he was finally able to move his head from left to right without pain. That, is something I'd be willing to try. (Even though one of the side effects J read to me last night was "relaxed bowels". Whoops, Mr. Puncture-dude...I crapped my pants.)
I hope it works for my love. Well, without the incontinence part. And they better stay away from her goodies! Lousy naughty magazine. Lousy scenario burned into my head.
Monday, May 23, 2005
I need a camera phone
Or some mental mouthwash.
The paper towel holder in our break room is empty, and right now looks suspiciously like a...(Sighs, grumbles) "double penetrator". Long shaft/short shaft with a bulbous end?
I need to leave for the day. Really.
The paper towel holder in our break room is empty, and right now looks suspiciously like a...(Sighs, grumbles) "double penetrator". Long shaft/short shaft with a bulbous end?
I need to leave for the day. Really.
Shhhh, can you keep a secret?
A super-secret-
Have I ever explained the concept of super-secret boyfriends and girlfriends? Otherwise called "Blue Moon B/F’s or G/F’s". I’m sure I did at some point, which means I’ve already proven how terrible I am at keeping these "super secrets" BLAST!!! : )
I was explaining them to Tallen the other day at Kaisers show. (Which y’all shoulda checked out. It was pretty good. I have to give him shite because of the moment his character starts mackin’ on Louka…well let’s just say that Tallen and I noticed that it was a very "Kaiser" moment. Player.)
There are a few ground rules which need to be laid down:
1st- A blue moon girlfriend or boyfriend is one where there is absolutely no intention of naughtiness, whatsoever. The idea of sexual gratification or advancing the relationship is unthinkable and unnecessary. Why?
2- You could already be in a serious committed relationship while having a blue moon beef or geef. They too, may be in a long termer.
3- the dude or chick in question is probably a great, even bestest friend. They are someone you pal with and may already have an incredible amount in common. Even if you don’t get to see them all that often, you still have a compatible charm of someone you feel completely comfortable with. Together, you two just "get it".
4- Generally, they are very funny. The reason why there is no (and should be no) sexual commiserating is due to the fact that a terrific sense of wit and humor is usually used in lieu of actual fornication. Flirting would almost seem uncouth.
5- Both parties must be adept at smack talking. At other people, and especially toward each other. If you can take the slings and arrows of each other’s barbs. (And they shouldn’t be cutting or loutish.) Then you’ll understand the meaning. Benedick and Beatrice got nothing on you two.
6-NO Sex.
The reason that they are "blue moon" is because if the planets were aligned, the stars in the right place, and mass quantities of Ice Cream and Chocolate wouldn’t make you look like Grimace- you two would probably be dating. J was never a SSGF because she had already established herself as soul mate from the get go. (And though she is funny, snarky, and we have mucho in common- We still figured we probably wanted to do each other- So she is elevated from SSGF to future wife. Cool, huh?) I’ve actually had a couple of SSGF’s. (Polygamy is allowed with them.) Which is cool because they never get jealous.
You can either elect to tell your SSGF that you’d like them to be Your SSF if you desire, or be cool- and keep that quiet satisfaction to yourself. Mates, do not fear the SSG or BF as they will never take your place or cause your lover to stray. They’re a great partner to both of you.
They’re just…secret.
Have I ever explained the concept of super-secret boyfriends and girlfriends? Otherwise called "Blue Moon B/F’s or G/F’s". I’m sure I did at some point, which means I’ve already proven how terrible I am at keeping these "super secrets" BLAST!!! : )
I was explaining them to Tallen the other day at Kaisers show. (Which y’all shoulda checked out. It was pretty good. I have to give him shite because of the moment his character starts mackin’ on Louka…well let’s just say that Tallen and I noticed that it was a very "Kaiser" moment. Player.)
There are a few ground rules which need to be laid down:
1st- A blue moon girlfriend or boyfriend is one where there is absolutely no intention of naughtiness, whatsoever. The idea of sexual gratification or advancing the relationship is unthinkable and unnecessary. Why?
2- You could already be in a serious committed relationship while having a blue moon beef or geef. They too, may be in a long termer.
3- the dude or chick in question is probably a great, even bestest friend. They are someone you pal with and may already have an incredible amount in common. Even if you don’t get to see them all that often, you still have a compatible charm of someone you feel completely comfortable with. Together, you two just "get it".
4- Generally, they are very funny. The reason why there is no (and should be no) sexual commiserating is due to the fact that a terrific sense of wit and humor is usually used in lieu of actual fornication. Flirting would almost seem uncouth.
5- Both parties must be adept at smack talking. At other people, and especially toward each other. If you can take the slings and arrows of each other’s barbs. (And they shouldn’t be cutting or loutish.) Then you’ll understand the meaning. Benedick and Beatrice got nothing on you two.
6-NO Sex.
The reason that they are "blue moon" is because if the planets were aligned, the stars in the right place, and mass quantities of Ice Cream and Chocolate wouldn’t make you look like Grimace- you two would probably be dating. J was never a SSGF because she had already established herself as soul mate from the get go. (And though she is funny, snarky, and we have mucho in common- We still figured we probably wanted to do each other- So she is elevated from SSGF to future wife. Cool, huh?) I’ve actually had a couple of SSGF’s. (Polygamy is allowed with them.) Which is cool because they never get jealous.
You can either elect to tell your SSGF that you’d like them to be Your SSF if you desire, or be cool- and keep that quiet satisfaction to yourself. Mates, do not fear the SSG or BF as they will never take your place or cause your lover to stray. They’re a great partner to both of you.
They’re just…secret.
Friday, May 20, 2005
BFS*
Big fucking suprise.
We took one of those "personality profiles" in my team meeting today. Mine said "You Are The Socializer: Hey Look At Me". I didn't have to read the complete profile. I think it said enough.
(In all fairness, I was bordering on "The Relater", but the rest of the group laughed this kind of "oh, that's true" kinda laugh when I announced mine.) Honky shit, yo'.
ESFP on my Meyers Briggs, and I'm a concrete random. Frickin' shrinks and their stoopid tests.
We took one of those "personality profiles" in my team meeting today. Mine said "You Are The Socializer: Hey Look At Me". I didn't have to read the complete profile. I think it said enough.
(In all fairness, I was bordering on "The Relater", but the rest of the group laughed this kind of "oh, that's true" kinda laugh when I announced mine.) Honky shit, yo'.
ESFP on my Meyers Briggs, and I'm a concrete random. Frickin' shrinks and their stoopid tests.
I knew it...
What American City are YOU?
American Cities That Best Fit You: (Me)
70% Los Angeles
65% San Diego
55%New York City
55% San Francisco
55% Seattle
I figured as much. If you subscribe to it, I've always felt like a "West Coast Guy". (Changing from my teenage years, when I thought be a cowboy and grow old in "4 Corners") Think about it- I'm a little shallow, Mellow, Kinda Selfish, Hard to take serious, WAAAAY too into my image, Kinda gay, and I'm dating a supermodel. (Hee. Love my girl) I also have always had a strange affinity for the ocean, and as recent trips to SF and Laguna Niguel have cemented my belief that I'm all sorts of Cali. J- VERY East Coast. Big time. You can totally see it.
Which makes me think, that living here in our Great State of MN...we arrive at a very happy medium.
Yessiree, Affinity for Geography sez a lot about a person. Don't even get me started on how it relates to what kind of "partner" you're looking for.
American Cities That Best Fit You: (Me)
70% Los Angeles
65% San Diego
55%New York City
55% San Francisco
55% Seattle
I figured as much. If you subscribe to it, I've always felt like a "West Coast Guy". (Changing from my teenage years, when I thought be a cowboy and grow old in "4 Corners") Think about it- I'm a little shallow, Mellow, Kinda Selfish, Hard to take serious, WAAAAY too into my image, Kinda gay, and I'm dating a supermodel. (Hee. Love my girl) I also have always had a strange affinity for the ocean, and as recent trips to SF and Laguna Niguel have cemented my belief that I'm all sorts of Cali. J- VERY East Coast. Big time. You can totally see it.
Which makes me think, that living here in our Great State of MN...we arrive at a very happy medium.
Yessiree, Affinity for Geography sez a lot about a person. Don't even get me started on how it relates to what kind of "partner" you're looking for.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Oh gosh, I'm sorry...
My "Give a Shit-O-Meter" must be broken.
Seriously. You want to rent a tux for prom the day before? Ain't gonna happen. And I could give two craps who you talked to at the "corporate office" (read: Warehouse). That person, btw, works in tech design, and is feeding you a line a shit. She knows fresnels and ellipsoidals, and that is about it. Douchebag. All modesty aside, you should be happy that I can switch my charm back on for your kids whose big night this is supposed to be for anyway.
They rented a gangster costume, in case you're wondering. They thought it'd look cooler and I agreed. Fricking costume rental ain't even open and I rented it to'em. Aw P, you big softy you.
Oooooo soft. I'm feeling it around the chubs. Lousy movie tub O popcorn. Lousy water retention. Pooooooose.
Seriously. You want to rent a tux for prom the day before? Ain't gonna happen. And I could give two craps who you talked to at the "corporate office" (read: Warehouse). That person, btw, works in tech design, and is feeding you a line a shit. She knows fresnels and ellipsoidals, and that is about it. Douchebag. All modesty aside, you should be happy that I can switch my charm back on for your kids whose big night this is supposed to be for anyway.
They rented a gangster costume, in case you're wondering. They thought it'd look cooler and I agreed. Fricking costume rental ain't even open and I rented it to'em. Aw P, you big softy you.
Oooooo soft. I'm feeling it around the chubs. Lousy movie tub O popcorn. Lousy water retention. Pooooooose.
Hmmm.
Well. It was a pretty darn good movie. Thanks again to Kaiser for hookin' us all up w/ tix (We all seemed to split rather quickly, didn't we?) Anyway, G7 does look rather thin, Raven. I think he shoulda finished my 'corn.
Oh! The movie?
I liked it a lot. It starts off strongly and ends exactly how you may have wanted it to end (Or rather, how it should since it leads into the SW we all know and love.) Yeah, I had some minor peccadilloes with some of the less than inspired dialogue. (I rolled my eyes BIG time during the final "Noooooooooo!". It was kinda like a Simpsons episode.) And Arrrrrgh- The whole Padme/Anakin thing coulda worked, except Portman was nothing in the movie. Literally. Nah-thing. Ultimately that was what really bit me on the butt during the whole movie- Staying focused while the clunky ass exchanges took place until the next cool action sequence.
But- that's where the movie excels- The action moves like a SW movie should. (Although, with the final fight- while cool- still looked a little like they were waving their lightsabers back and forth.) All the fights that take place kick ass, and fans and non-fans alike will be endeared to the "moments" that pop out. (Yoda first confronting Sidious comes to mind. He walks in the room aannnnd Bye Guards. J laughed out loud at that one.)
So, my final grade is "C" for Chipotle. They just stuffed waaay too much into this movie, when really this movie could have been made into three. BUT, the filler was enough to satisfy me, and I really feel that the series is complete.
I liked it.
Oh! The movie?
I liked it a lot. It starts off strongly and ends exactly how you may have wanted it to end (Or rather, how it should since it leads into the SW we all know and love.) Yeah, I had some minor peccadilloes with some of the less than inspired dialogue. (I rolled my eyes BIG time during the final "Noooooooooo!". It was kinda like a Simpsons episode.) And Arrrrrgh- The whole Padme/Anakin thing coulda worked, except Portman was nothing in the movie. Literally. Nah-thing. Ultimately that was what really bit me on the butt during the whole movie- Staying focused while the clunky ass exchanges took place until the next cool action sequence.
But- that's where the movie excels- The action moves like a SW movie should. (Although, with the final fight- while cool- still looked a little like they were waving their lightsabers back and forth.) All the fights that take place kick ass, and fans and non-fans alike will be endeared to the "moments" that pop out. (Yoda first confronting Sidious comes to mind. He walks in the room aannnnd Bye Guards. J laughed out loud at that one.)
So, my final grade is "C" for Chipotle. They just stuffed waaay too much into this movie, when really this movie could have been made into three. BUT, the filler was enough to satisfy me, and I really feel that the series is complete.
I liked it.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Mmmm, hm hm hm
Um, I'm like gonna see Star Wars tonight? Like my mind can focus on anything else right now. (Except maybe getting streaked by my fiancee'. THEN you'd see how fast I can take my pants off. 0 to Pantless in, like, 5 parsecs. See? Back to the Star Wars references.)
I'll go home, nap, and be at the theatre by 10-ish. I'm sure there'll be a snaky line of fans already in place. (Cripes, that dorkus out in Seattle has been waiting for Ep.III tix since January. Were they even pre-selling that far back? Fooked Up.) I asked J if I can wear my robe and lightsaber and she said Nay. So, I've figured out something slightly Jedi-y that will be a subtle homage to my love of this crazy pop culture phenom. Kaiser, the Deeb, G7 and Raven, RiPkE and CeRT's, CalienteCarlos + Girl, Ry-Gonn + Girl. I couldn't be happier to spend the wee hours with a finer group of geeks. Thanks Kaiser, for picking up the tix. Ry-Gonn is bubbling right now, and I could hardly understand his voicemail he left me. Something like:
"OmigodmumbledyfribbledyDarthenFlabberdabbergomflargitSouthdalenstuffn10righthopesocallmebyepoooooooo"
So, Ry says thanks, even if he can't form a coherent sentence right now. He's a wookie.
On an unrelated note, there is an 90 min Smallville on tonight that will show 6 minutes of footage from the Nolan Directed "Bat-Newsies". Sweeeeeet.
I'll go home, nap, and be at the theatre by 10-ish. I'm sure there'll be a snaky line of fans already in place. (Cripes, that dorkus out in Seattle has been waiting for Ep.III tix since January. Were they even pre-selling that far back? Fooked Up.) I asked J if I can wear my robe and lightsaber and she said Nay. So, I've figured out something slightly Jedi-y that will be a subtle homage to my love of this crazy pop culture phenom. Kaiser, the Deeb, G7 and Raven, RiPkE and CeRT's, CalienteCarlos + Girl, Ry-Gonn + Girl. I couldn't be happier to spend the wee hours with a finer group of geeks. Thanks Kaiser, for picking up the tix. Ry-Gonn is bubbling right now, and I could hardly understand his voicemail he left me. Something like:
"OmigodmumbledyfribbledyDarthenFlabberdabbergomflargitSouthdalenstuffn10righthopesocallmebyepoooooooo"
So, Ry says thanks, even if he can't form a coherent sentence right now. He's a wookie.
On an unrelated note, there is an 90 min Smallville on tonight that will show 6 minutes of footage from the Nolan Directed "Bat-Newsies". Sweeeeeet.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Sooooo, 3rd post...Episode III
Yeah.
I'll post something pithy to say tomorrow, say "Opening Eve"
If you've read any pre-reviews on the movie or opinions of the first 2 (Ep's I and II) you'll probably find my sentiment in them, as well as sentiment towards the original, original trilogy. (Han did shoot first, btw.) Favorites include how in I and II, GL decided to focus more on "the landing of a spacecraft" as opposed to telling a story, or how he pandered to the kiddies, etc. My deal is, really, it was his time to (technilogically speaking) "paint a pretty palatte". Story and substance were sacrificed in lieu of being able to flex his ILM muscle to say "Look what we can do now." The audiences (and Fans alike- Meaning the one's who had dreamed up prequel stories in the 16 years since the 1st one hit the theatre) were non-plussed, and left thinking that he had painted a very pretty, pretty picture. About milling sheep. (Fans of Mr. Steve Martin, thank me for my insight)
But in the words of my good friend Rev. Kessen- "They were fuckin' 'Star Wars' movies, man!!!" So. Nay sayers, and fans alike can bitch and moan, or rejoice and sing...I don't rightly care. I'll probably agree with several points either way. And either way. I'll be in line, circa 10:00pm ish tomorrow night with the rest of them. Dreaming my jedi dreams. And throwing in my old school Eps 4 through 6 the next day.
More on my personal mythology, if yer interested, tomorrow. I have to polish my imaginary lightsaber. May the force be with you always.
I'll post something pithy to say tomorrow, say "Opening Eve"
If you've read any pre-reviews on the movie or opinions of the first 2 (Ep's I and II) you'll probably find my sentiment in them, as well as sentiment towards the original, original trilogy. (Han did shoot first, btw.) Favorites include how in I and II, GL decided to focus more on "the landing of a spacecraft" as opposed to telling a story, or how he pandered to the kiddies, etc. My deal is, really, it was his time to (technilogically speaking) "paint a pretty palatte". Story and substance were sacrificed in lieu of being able to flex his ILM muscle to say "Look what we can do now." The audiences (and Fans alike- Meaning the one's who had dreamed up prequel stories in the 16 years since the 1st one hit the theatre) were non-plussed, and left thinking that he had painted a very pretty, pretty picture. About milling sheep. (Fans of Mr. Steve Martin, thank me for my insight)
But in the words of my good friend Rev. Kessen- "They were fuckin' 'Star Wars' movies, man!!!" So. Nay sayers, and fans alike can bitch and moan, or rejoice and sing...I don't rightly care. I'll probably agree with several points either way. And either way. I'll be in line, circa 10:00pm ish tomorrow night with the rest of them. Dreaming my jedi dreams. And throwing in my old school Eps 4 through 6 the next day.
More on my personal mythology, if yer interested, tomorrow. I have to polish my imaginary lightsaber. May the force be with you always.
Depp. Grrrrrrr!
"He chooses such GREAT movies"
"He's mega hot..."
"He's a tremendous actor"
Three quotes, which seem to always be involved in any conversation about Johnny Depp. Even my dad thinks he is a terrific film actor (My dad doesn't dole out that kinda praise. He also hasn't commented whether or not he thinks Mr. Depp is hot, but he HAS said that "It helps to be good looking.") Whatever. He'll always be Officer Tom Hanson. Jump Street porkchop. He's now up with McConnaughey in the "P is irrationally jealous of them " file.
So I guess it goes w/o saying that he kicked some arse again in "Finding Neverland". I'm not gonna say that like, oh, with the same tired breath as one would've said "The Yanks won the Series, again..." but it seems that even a bad, or mediocre film get's brought up by that very dorks presence. (See "Secret Ass-Dow" for an example).
"F.N." shows what it means for someone who is so passionate about the world he creates-in his imagination, and invariably the positive effects it has on those around him. For me growing up, this was something my folks never wanted to stymie in my brother or myself. I guess it just hit closer to home than I expected, and yes- I had a lump in my throat (although not as bad as when I saw "Big Fish") . Check it out if you have time. I dare you to keep a dry eye during the Peter Pan Home encore. Folks who've seen it, know what I mean.
"He's mega hot..."
"He's a tremendous actor"
Three quotes, which seem to always be involved in any conversation about Johnny Depp. Even my dad thinks he is a terrific film actor (My dad doesn't dole out that kinda praise. He also hasn't commented whether or not he thinks Mr. Depp is hot, but he HAS said that "It helps to be good looking.") Whatever. He'll always be Officer Tom Hanson. Jump Street porkchop. He's now up with McConnaughey in the "P is irrationally jealous of them " file.
So I guess it goes w/o saying that he kicked some arse again in "Finding Neverland". I'm not gonna say that like, oh, with the same tired breath as one would've said "The Yanks won the Series, again..." but it seems that even a bad, or mediocre film get's brought up by that very dorks presence. (See "Secret Ass-Dow" for an example).
"F.N." shows what it means for someone who is so passionate about the world he creates-in his imagination, and invariably the positive effects it has on those around him. For me growing up, this was something my folks never wanted to stymie in my brother or myself. I guess it just hit closer to home than I expected, and yes- I had a lump in my throat (although not as bad as when I saw "Big Fish") . Check it out if you have time. I dare you to keep a dry eye during the Peter Pan Home encore. Folks who've seen it, know what I mean.
Phantom of the Ass-Ra, subtitled:
Proving once again Joel Schumacher can royally fuck up a movie. Thanks for Batman, ya porkchop.
Sure, there were some pretty costumes, and a scant few (FEW) moments that were actually quite spectacular. J said "They totally lifted that from Moulin Rouge". That got me thinking, do you all wonder if, say, after "Citizen Kane" people said of subsequent films "Ohhhh, they lifted that from 'Citizen Kane'...just curious. I guess what killed the movie for me was terrible sound editing (Guys, when I notice shite like sound editing being all fouled up, you know the filmmakers effed it up.) Then there was a phantom who sounded like Arnold Schwarzenegger when he sang, ("Fo Ah COM-pose dah moosic uff dah Naaaarrghht! " Say it like Arnie... it made J laugh) and who was (quote) "Too Pretty", according to J. Apparently she and Patrick Wilson (Raoul) did a show many years ago at the Ordway.
"Oh my God, that's Patrick!"
(me) "Yeah?"
"Yeah, we totally did R and J together back in '98! Ohhhh Patrick"
(moi) "Stop calling him 'Patrick' like he was our neighbor or something."
"He's got some kick ass money notes"
(me) "Faaaaaag"
"________, that's not very nice"
(me...putting on a Phantom half mask) "I'm go kick he ass!!!!"
"_______!"
(me) "Didn't the dude from movie 'Critters' direct that show you did?"
"Terrence Mann, yes. Take that thing off"
"Huh.....did you know that Leonardo DiCaprio was in, like Critters pt 2 or 3?"
(Turning back to the crapfest movie) "Mmmmmmmm?"
(Me, turning back to Emily Rossum's push up bra) "Frickin'...Patrick Wilson. Dick"
Funnier in my head, folks.
I think I'll write three posts today. You asked for it!!! No, you didn't....Mmmwha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!
Quote from Terrence Mann:
"Movies will make you famous; Television will make you rich; But theatre will make you good."
Sure, there were some pretty costumes, and a scant few (FEW) moments that were actually quite spectacular. J said "They totally lifted that from Moulin Rouge". That got me thinking, do you all wonder if, say, after "Citizen Kane" people said of subsequent films "Ohhhh, they lifted that from 'Citizen Kane'...just curious. I guess what killed the movie for me was terrible sound editing (Guys, when I notice shite like sound editing being all fouled up, you know the filmmakers effed it up.) Then there was a phantom who sounded like Arnold Schwarzenegger when he sang, ("Fo Ah COM-pose dah moosic uff dah Naaaarrghht! " Say it like Arnie... it made J laugh) and who was (quote) "Too Pretty", according to J. Apparently she and Patrick Wilson (Raoul) did a show many years ago at the Ordway.
"Oh my God, that's Patrick!"
(me) "Yeah?"
"Yeah, we totally did R and J together back in '98! Ohhhh Patrick"
(moi) "Stop calling him 'Patrick' like he was our neighbor or something."
"He's got some kick ass money notes"
(me) "Faaaaaag"
"________, that's not very nice"
(me...putting on a Phantom half mask) "I'm go kick he ass!!!!"
"_______!"
(me) "Didn't the dude from movie 'Critters' direct that show you did?"
"Terrence Mann, yes. Take that thing off"
"Huh.....did you know that Leonardo DiCaprio was in, like Critters pt 2 or 3?"
(Turning back to the crapfest movie) "Mmmmmmmm?"
(Me, turning back to Emily Rossum's push up bra) "Frickin'...Patrick Wilson. Dick"
Funnier in my head, folks.
I think I'll write three posts today. You asked for it!!! No, you didn't....Mmmwha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!
Quote from Terrence Mann:
"Movies will make you famous; Television will make you rich; But theatre will make you good."
Monday, May 16, 2005
Pai Mei would have been impressed...
My dad, not so much.
Sunday I went to the folks for some outdoor manual labor. (read: Heavy lifting) I do this out of support and commitment of their support and commitment to me all these years, and also it keeps them from hurting their bodies. (Dad hasn’t seem to figure that part out. The martyr.) With daddy’s recent trip to the hospital- I 86’ed him from attempting any further manual labor for the remainder of the summer.
One of the suck-ass tasks he attempted (And probably the one that floored him) was the removal of a tree stump. This stump has been firmly rooted in the back yard since I helped trim it down back in ’93. (Projects move verrry slowly for the P family.) So there it has remained, a 3.5 ft tall, 24 in circumference bitch, just taking up yard space.
Last time I was over, I spent a goodly hour trying to use a pick ax and a weighted pry bar to loose it from its moorings. This time, I attempted a different approach: I used up all my frustration from a heinously stressful week, and I started kicking it. (Hey, Napoleon!) Front kicks of course, since a round kick would have meant connecting with my shin (Causing more harm than good- "Winner, Tree!!!") or a side kick: which is ultimatlely a more powerful kick- it would have sent a jarring shock up my heel to an already tender "post-accident" spine. So yeah. I kicked the hell out of it.
"Mad Dog!!! What the hell are you doing!????!!!" (When my dad finally came outside to "supervise")
I was covered head to toe in sweat, and after grabbing & shaking the stump to show him how loose it was (It was pretty much like a loose tooth by this point. But there was this taproot that just didn’t seem to want to give.) He backed the truck in to winch the sumbitch out. If the picture turns out, there is going to be a hilarious photo of me making like I pulled it out with the chain, and nothing more. Ahhh testosterone. 4 Ibuprofen later, I was actually able to get out of bed today and type this ridiculous machismo blog. I’m just amazed that the "old school" crap still works.
What's my point? I’m seeing Star Wars this Wednesday. Out of 6 movies, this’ll be the 5th Midnight showing baby!!!! More on that, later…
Sunday I went to the folks for some outdoor manual labor. (read: Heavy lifting) I do this out of support and commitment of their support and commitment to me all these years, and also it keeps them from hurting their bodies. (Dad hasn’t seem to figure that part out. The martyr.) With daddy’s recent trip to the hospital- I 86’ed him from attempting any further manual labor for the remainder of the summer.
One of the suck-ass tasks he attempted (And probably the one that floored him) was the removal of a tree stump. This stump has been firmly rooted in the back yard since I helped trim it down back in ’93. (Projects move verrry slowly for the P family.) So there it has remained, a 3.5 ft tall, 24 in circumference bitch, just taking up yard space.
Last time I was over, I spent a goodly hour trying to use a pick ax and a weighted pry bar to loose it from its moorings. This time, I attempted a different approach: I used up all my frustration from a heinously stressful week, and I started kicking it. (Hey, Napoleon!) Front kicks of course, since a round kick would have meant connecting with my shin (Causing more harm than good- "Winner, Tree!!!") or a side kick: which is ultimatlely a more powerful kick- it would have sent a jarring shock up my heel to an already tender "post-accident" spine. So yeah. I kicked the hell out of it.
"Mad Dog!!! What the hell are you doing!????!!!" (When my dad finally came outside to "supervise")
I was covered head to toe in sweat, and after grabbing & shaking the stump to show him how loose it was (It was pretty much like a loose tooth by this point. But there was this taproot that just didn’t seem to want to give.) He backed the truck in to winch the sumbitch out. If the picture turns out, there is going to be a hilarious photo of me making like I pulled it out with the chain, and nothing more. Ahhh testosterone. 4 Ibuprofen later, I was actually able to get out of bed today and type this ridiculous machismo blog. I’m just amazed that the "old school" crap still works.
What's my point? I’m seeing Star Wars this Wednesday. Out of 6 movies, this’ll be the 5th Midnight showing baby!!!! More on that, later…
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Take it Out.
I had a bunch of funny, witty, cock-based jokes that I was planning to use after seeing "TMO" at Mixed Blood. After seeing it I think I'll just skip'em and tell folks that if they didn't see it, they missed out. It was a really good show.
So far I'm 2 fer 2 with seeing good productions. Here's to Arms and the Man-jelly , and Rick Three yielding the same results.
Penis.
So far I'm 2 fer 2 with seeing good productions. Here's to Arms and the Man-jelly , and Rick Three yielding the same results.
Penis.
Friday, May 13, 2005
That really sucks.
Please forgive me if I have nothing pithy or excitable to say today. I was rear-ended last night at a stop light on my way to meet a friend who was leaving for Africa. (As crazy as that sounds.) It turned out to be a terrible night of bad karaoke, a few self-centered actors, and if you read the newspaper: A shooting at the bar across the street. (Thank Goodness I left about 10 minutes before it happened) When I got home (and after being asked if I was all right) J said that I was taking it remarkably calm, given that she would probably have been flying off her 6th or 7th handle by then. My rationale was that (a) Nothing I could do about it (b) My car is still drivable, (c) it wasn’t my fault, (d) It could have been much, much worse, and (N) at least the airbag didn’t deploy- giving me a bloody nose or something.
I ended up missing my alarm, I woke up sore, and forgot that I had an HR training seminar to attend today at our Woodbury campus. My boss looked at me when I showed up at the wrong building and said "WTF are you doing here?" Then I got in trouble.
In cyberspace, no one (who cares) can hear you scream…so you’ll please excuse me while I go and file an In-FUCKING- surance claim with my GODDAMN agency!!!
Thank you for letting me vent. I’m seeing "Take me Out" tonight, starring the Geef’s weenie. Or "GuhFweener".
I ended up missing my alarm, I woke up sore, and forgot that I had an HR training seminar to attend today at our Woodbury campus. My boss looked at me when I showed up at the wrong building and said "WTF are you doing here?" Then I got in trouble.
In cyberspace, no one (who cares) can hear you scream…so you’ll please excuse me while I go and file an In-FUCKING- surance claim with my GODDAMN agency!!!
Thank you for letting me vent. I’m seeing "Take me Out" tonight, starring the Geef’s weenie. Or "GuhFweener".
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Well, that settles that...
I have been reminded that plane tix/rooms have been purchased for August 11th through 15th as part of J’s birthday extravaganza. We’re getting the heck outta Mipples and heading East to the Big nipple= NYC. (get a rope) Yes sir howdy, 5 days in city as pure unadultered tourons. We’ll be seeing "Wicked", "Spamalot" (If I have my way), munch Sbarro in Times Square (You gotta get Sbarro in T.S.) swill Starbucks and wait in line at TKTS, check out the Statue of Liberty, and hopefully I will get to revisit MMoA. (A bad-ass museum, as it were. It is NY, fer chrissakes! I’ll be a month too late for their Basquiat exhibition. See that movie for some bad-ass acting.) And you guessed right my fellow backtors, she said no classes, auditioning, or anything remotely theatre-related will be done. (Except as patrons.) I’m betting that she still packs her dancin’ shoes.
So, I guess I'll have ta wait for another remount of KFH. I’m trying to convince my big brother (the ninja*) to audition in my stead. He’d make a great "Ghost of Hamlet’s Father". Ahhhh, hell. It woulda been fun to do a show with him. Maybe someday we'll just stage our own fight show for goofs and kicks. Geef, Weef: I am deeply appreciative of your encouragement. On the flip side, I suppose the time away from those rehearsals will give me time to re-read Picnic, and take some more voice lessons for the impending "Gayspell" audition, and fart around the house. Heh-Heh. "Gaayyyyschpelllll". That sounds reeeeally funny if you say it out loud with a strained German accent.
*Btw:
That dork (my Big Bro) was coaching some of his TKD students at his qualifier tourney to get into Nationals. Now get this- He hasn’t fought in a tourney in, oh, 4 years or so since he was competing on the NCKA circuit. So, on a whim he enrolls in the competition and takes 1st. So now he’s the "MN Men’s Heavyweight Championship Fighter in Sport Karate/TKD". (You wouldn’t believe the incredible amount of shit I gave ‘im. "Sooooo, Mr. Foreman. Fighting in the Heavyweight division now, was it? Weren't you a middleweight, when last we checked?" Heh heh heh. We take our shots were we can. Whatev, he could still kill me.) He won on a fucking whim.
So, I guess I'll have ta wait for another remount of KFH. I’m trying to convince my big brother (the ninja*) to audition in my stead. He’d make a great "Ghost of Hamlet’s Father". Ahhhh, hell. It woulda been fun to do a show with him. Maybe someday we'll just stage our own fight show for goofs and kicks. Geef, Weef: I am deeply appreciative of your encouragement. On the flip side, I suppose the time away from those rehearsals will give me time to re-read Picnic, and take some more voice lessons for the impending "Gayspell" audition, and fart around the house. Heh-Heh. "Gaayyyyschpelllll". That sounds reeeeally funny if you say it out loud with a strained German accent.
*Btw:
That dork (my Big Bro) was coaching some of his TKD students at his qualifier tourney to get into Nationals. Now get this- He hasn’t fought in a tourney in, oh, 4 years or so since he was competing on the NCKA circuit. So, on a whim he enrolls in the competition and takes 1st. So now he’s the "MN Men’s Heavyweight Championship Fighter in Sport Karate/TKD". (You wouldn’t believe the incredible amount of shit I gave ‘im. "Sooooo, Mr. Foreman. Fighting in the Heavyweight division now, was it? Weren't you a middleweight, when last we checked?" Heh heh heh. We take our shots were we can. Whatev, he could still kill me.) He won on a fucking whim.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Hmmmmmm...
"Kung Fu Hamlet" is auditioning for the Fringe. IN-teresting food for thought.
A couple of things on that-
1) Not in terrific shape, Martial Artistically speaking. Not enough "Rex Kwon Do"
2) Am I going to be in NYC for J's B-day?
3) Has Geef cast the Ari show?
4) I have a way of hopping on to re-mounted shows [which were once popular at the fringe] as their popularity starts to wane.
5)I'm fat
Lastly...I emailed my big brother (the Ninja) about auditioning. He saw the show 3 times in all of it's incarnations. I think it'd be kinda fun to see him do something like that.
See Napoleon Dynamite if you haven't. That movie OWNS!!! (I can see why certain people wouldn't dig it. I just ain't one of 'em. GOSH!!!) I need to own Stars and Stripes Zubaz, stat!
A couple of things on that-
1) Not in terrific shape, Martial Artistically speaking. Not enough "Rex Kwon Do"
2) Am I going to be in NYC for J's B-day?
3) Has Geef cast the Ari show?
4) I have a way of hopping on to re-mounted shows [which were once popular at the fringe] as their popularity starts to wane.
5)I'm fat
Lastly...I emailed my big brother (the Ninja) about auditioning. He saw the show 3 times in all of it's incarnations. I think it'd be kinda fun to see him do something like that.
See Napoleon Dynamite if you haven't. That movie OWNS!!! (I can see why certain people wouldn't dig it. I just ain't one of 'em. GOSH!!!) I need to own Stars and Stripes Zubaz, stat!
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Durp Durp Durp
Wow. Reading another bloggers blogginess about not having anything to blog about has given me a case of writers block. blog. Eeesh.
Soooooo: P presents Random Crapola!!!
1-I think people don’t think I take things seriously. I do take things seriously, I just don’t infuse my life with a retarded sense of hyperdramatics (And when I do, it’s usually because I’m trying to make people smile). It ain’t healthy to stress out about everything and it’s cat. KnowwhutImean?
2-Kaiser…I have a real problem. I see funny crap in just about everything, everyday. And it takes a (in my little brain) Bacchanalian effort to try and not comment on every little thing. (I know it can irritate the piss out of people) I’m also certain that it gives folks this whole "P’s a pervy hammy guy" vibe….but I swear I’m not right in the heid. Example: I received an email from my boss regarding "Unit Costs"…my first thought? Hmmmm, how much does a unit cost? I suppose it depends on the wielder of said unit…etc…
3-I’m cutting down my H20 intake as of Sunday. I’m thinking that a gallon of water a day (Or 128 Fl Oz, or 16 8 oz. Glasses a day, whatever!) well, I’m thinking that this is what makes me feel and look kinda bloaty on a daily basis. And that’s just water folks- I’m not even counting the OJ, Pineapple Juice, or Booze. Moderation is okay, P
4-Ocean’s 12 was okay. I mean, there was enough in it that kept my attention, so yeah. It was okay.
5-They aren’t going to be able to install my cabinets for another 2 weeks. Forkers.
6-Buca’s Eggplant Parmesan owns. It just, owns.
7-Champps stocks a shitty Pinot Grigio. I mean, craptacular. This reminds me- I think it is HI-larious whenever J and I go to dinner and I order a chicky Caesar w/the dressing on the side and she orders the Bacon Cheese Chicken Whatever Sandwich w/Fries- The server ALWAYS puts the salad in front of her, and the sandwich in front of me.
8-Whenever I call my gayfriendsteve, I always start off the conversation w/ something along the lines of "Oooooooooo…you wanna suck my big, fat, Molly Ringwald??? Oooooooooo" I have no idea why, but this makes us both laugh our asses off. And it causes J to say to me "I don’t want to know who you were talking to."
9-J’s dad made up a curse word. I’m pretty sure that (last night) when we were working on the kitchen re-wire he said "cockrabbit". I’m positive. So I made one up too: "Dicksauce". Say it out loud: "Ooooooooo, dicksauce!"
10- I actually sent in to win Ep.III tickets through a Strib promotion. My geekiness knows no bounds. If I had photoshop, I would desperately try and win a Darth Vader lightsaber at AICN's promotion. Geeeeeeek!!!!
I actually got up to ten? I am a big dumb animal, folks.
Soooooo: P presents Random Crapola!!!
1-I think people don’t think I take things seriously. I do take things seriously, I just don’t infuse my life with a retarded sense of hyperdramatics (And when I do, it’s usually because I’m trying to make people smile). It ain’t healthy to stress out about everything and it’s cat. KnowwhutImean?
2-Kaiser…I have a real problem. I see funny crap in just about everything, everyday. And it takes a (in my little brain) Bacchanalian effort to try and not comment on every little thing. (I know it can irritate the piss out of people) I’m also certain that it gives folks this whole "P’s a pervy hammy guy" vibe….but I swear I’m not right in the heid. Example: I received an email from my boss regarding "Unit Costs"…my first thought? Hmmmm, how much does a unit cost? I suppose it depends on the wielder of said unit…etc…
3-I’m cutting down my H20 intake as of Sunday. I’m thinking that a gallon of water a day (Or 128 Fl Oz, or 16 8 oz. Glasses a day, whatever!) well, I’m thinking that this is what makes me feel and look kinda bloaty on a daily basis. And that’s just water folks- I’m not even counting the OJ, Pineapple Juice, or Booze. Moderation is okay, P
4-Ocean’s 12 was okay. I mean, there was enough in it that kept my attention, so yeah. It was okay.
5-They aren’t going to be able to install my cabinets for another 2 weeks. Forkers.
6-Buca’s Eggplant Parmesan owns. It just, owns.
7-Champps stocks a shitty Pinot Grigio. I mean, craptacular. This reminds me- I think it is HI-larious whenever J and I go to dinner and I order a chicky Caesar w/the dressing on the side and she orders the Bacon Cheese Chicken Whatever Sandwich w/Fries- The server ALWAYS puts the salad in front of her, and the sandwich in front of me.
8-Whenever I call my gayfriendsteve, I always start off the conversation w/ something along the lines of "Oooooooooo…you wanna suck my big, fat, Molly Ringwald??? Oooooooooo" I have no idea why, but this makes us both laugh our asses off. And it causes J to say to me "I don’t want to know who you were talking to."
9-J’s dad made up a curse word. I’m pretty sure that (last night) when we were working on the kitchen re-wire he said "cockrabbit". I’m positive. So I made one up too: "Dicksauce". Say it out loud: "Ooooooooo, dicksauce!"
10- I actually sent in to win Ep.III tickets through a Strib promotion. My geekiness knows no bounds. If I had photoshop, I would desperately try and win a Darth Vader lightsaber at AICN's promotion. Geeeeeeek!!!!
I actually got up to ten? I am a big dumb animal, folks.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Foon, Foon, Foon (Fun)
Now that was a unique weekend. Work, Yardwork, and a Party. I still hate prom, and um…stuff.
My big brother is weirder than I am. This was evident on Mothers Day. 'Nuff said.
The Geef’s B-day was a blast. The Divine J actually made it out of captivity to attend. You guys want to know something? This city possesses a lot of beautiful people. No foolin’, there were a ton of beautiful people at the party. I can’t recall the name of the article I read where visitors from NYC were actually surprised at the number of beautiful people in our fair city. (What, did they think we traipse around Nicollet and 9th in overalls and flannel with a corn-cob pipe?) So yeah…beautiful people. Now what in the hell was I doing there? (Bah-dum-dum.)
Party highlights:
1) P’s party foul: Bumping the Weef’s Sham-Pag-Nah on herself and her dress. She did a marvelous re-coup of form by giving herself a cat bath in front of stunned partygoers…however I was still left feeling cloddish and uncoordinated. I am a 7 ft tall 12 year old with big feet inside a 30 yr old martial artists body…that’s how uncoordinated I am. I’m kidding. I ate a 7 ft tall 12 year old for dinner and absorbed his cloddishness.
2-P’s "I guess I can’t drink like I’m 20 anymore" moment: 2 glasses of veeno for meeno, and I was lit like a candle. (Even J held herself up better) I wanted to keep it light so J didn’t have a loopy fiancee to welcome her to the party, which apparently didn’t matter. THIS is what I get for lowering my booze intake. My tolerance has declined significantly. (Insert Cheap Date joke here)
3-P’s "WTF" overheard comment, moment: "You’re flirty". Some people, my goodness. If you smile, say complimentary things, and generally try and act like a polite individual you’re wind up getting labeled a flirt? Um, yo- fiancee’ standing right-next-to-me? My hand rubbing the lower part of her back affectionately? Hello? I guess my definition of flirty is "making subtle advances with a preferred result at the end." Me? I have no preconceptions. I know who I get to go home with. And really, I’m kinda shallow. There aren't any deeper meanings. (I save those for my sweet baby.) And I kiss everybody. Everybody. That’s how the P family is. We have Southern manners, and we’re touchy feely. Just, not in a creepy "Todd Solondz" kinda way, you know? Yeesh.
4-P’s Proud moment: J saying "He looks really good." (Referring to the Geef and his disappearing weight trick.) Yee-Haw. AND, I'm proud of the fact that my sweet baby came out to play. I do love her so. Seriously, has anyone seen her since she cut her bangs?
MIA (Or, I just left too early to have seen them) Talon, Kaiser the flirt, Mother-san. There were others, I'm sure…oh yes, there were.
I encourage others to post their own funny stories from the party, or observations on my loutish behaviour.
Mmmmmwah.
My big brother is weirder than I am. This was evident on Mothers Day. 'Nuff said.
The Geef’s B-day was a blast. The Divine J actually made it out of captivity to attend. You guys want to know something? This city possesses a lot of beautiful people. No foolin’, there were a ton of beautiful people at the party. I can’t recall the name of the article I read where visitors from NYC were actually surprised at the number of beautiful people in our fair city. (What, did they think we traipse around Nicollet and 9th in overalls and flannel with a corn-cob pipe?) So yeah…beautiful people. Now what in the hell was I doing there? (Bah-dum-dum.)
Party highlights:
1) P’s party foul: Bumping the Weef’s Sham-Pag-Nah on herself and her dress. She did a marvelous re-coup of form by giving herself a cat bath in front of stunned partygoers…however I was still left feeling cloddish and uncoordinated. I am a 7 ft tall 12 year old with big feet inside a 30 yr old martial artists body…that’s how uncoordinated I am. I’m kidding. I ate a 7 ft tall 12 year old for dinner and absorbed his cloddishness.
2-P’s "I guess I can’t drink like I’m 20 anymore" moment: 2 glasses of veeno for meeno, and I was lit like a candle. (Even J held herself up better) I wanted to keep it light so J didn’t have a loopy fiancee to welcome her to the party, which apparently didn’t matter. THIS is what I get for lowering my booze intake. My tolerance has declined significantly. (Insert Cheap Date joke here)
3-P’s "WTF" overheard comment, moment: "You’re flirty". Some people, my goodness. If you smile, say complimentary things, and generally try and act like a polite individual you’re wind up getting labeled a flirt? Um, yo- fiancee’ standing right-next-to-me? My hand rubbing the lower part of her back affectionately? Hello? I guess my definition of flirty is "making subtle advances with a preferred result at the end." Me? I have no preconceptions. I know who I get to go home with. And really, I’m kinda shallow. There aren't any deeper meanings. (I save those for my sweet baby.) And I kiss everybody. Everybody. That’s how the P family is. We have Southern manners, and we’re touchy feely. Just, not in a creepy "Todd Solondz" kinda way, you know? Yeesh.
4-P’s Proud moment: J saying "He looks really good." (Referring to the Geef and his disappearing weight trick.) Yee-Haw. AND, I'm proud of the fact that my sweet baby came out to play. I do love her so. Seriously, has anyone seen her since she cut her bangs?
MIA (Or, I just left too early to have seen them) Talon, Kaiser the flirt, Mother-san. There were others, I'm sure…oh yes, there were.
I encourage others to post their own funny stories from the party, or observations on my loutish behaviour.
Mmmmmwah.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Thursday, May 05, 2005
A little shorty today.
After two days worth of smutty teen prose I figured I'd give y'all a break from my ditherings. So, I bid you leave early. As I am. Today. To go and hug my cabinets. Which are in boxes on my front porch.
( They aren't installed yet, but it is comforting all the same.) Kick ASS!!!!
One random nugget:
There is somebody here at the office that reeeks of fabric softner sheets. While I normally have pleasant associations with the odor, this person smells like they bathed in Snuggle, then sprayed Downy on themselves as an cologne. Eeeeew.
Two random nuggets: It's FINally getting warmer. Danke Gott.
3rd..nug..whatev: I'm looking for another play. It's called "Phryo-Giants" and it is NOWHERE to be found. (I googled, I googled.) It was made into a Bob Odenkirk directed film called "Melvin Goes to Dinner". Looks interesting, y'know?
( They aren't installed yet, but it is comforting all the same.) Kick ASS!!!!
One random nugget:
There is somebody here at the office that reeeks of fabric softner sheets. While I normally have pleasant associations with the odor, this person smells like they bathed in Snuggle, then sprayed Downy on themselves as an cologne. Eeeeew.
Two random nuggets: It's FINally getting warmer. Danke Gott.
3rd..nug..whatev: I'm looking for another play. It's called "Phryo-Giants" and it is NOWHERE to be found. (I googled, I googled.) It was made into a Bob Odenkirk directed film called "Melvin Goes to Dinner". Looks interesting, y'know?
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Prom '92, part deux
I know you all were waiting with baited breath for the gripping conclusion. No, I know you weren’t… : (
When we last left our hero, he was pantsless and floating in a sea of despair. (Read: Big ass naughty hotel jacuzzi.) His date: Topless and drowning in her own teen pathos (Read: pining for the ex.). The other couple: Engaging in carnal acts in the far corner of the tub, caring little for their own modesty. (Read: drunk and screwing teens.)
What was I to do, you ask?
Thinking quickly, (and hoping that the other couple was distracted…what am I saying, I’m almost positive they were distracted) I lept from the tub towards the corner where I thought my trunks and the bikini top lay. A veritable white streak I was, dripping mullet trailing behind me in a blur. I donned my trunks with a speed, which hadn’t been achieved since the locker room after Junior High Phy Ed swimming. I grabbed the dates top, and handed it back to her which she quickly donned, and helped her out of the tub. Then, I grabbed our overnight bags and led her toward the bathroom- The pinkish, moaning, tangled mess of teens writhing outside my periphery. (Sploosh, Sploosh. Sploosh…"HEY, where’r ya goING?)
In the bathroom we put on our jammies and proceeded to "Talk".
Me- "What’s wrong"
Her- "I miss Old Boyfriend...buh WAAAAAHHH!!!" I started to feel like I was in a Jon Cusack movie. Love that teen angst, huh?
10-15 minutes later, the door opens and there wobbling was a very wet and naked girl number 2 . With bleary eyes she sez "What’r yooos doin’?" Pissed, Un-laid, Un-loved, I made a very off-color comment which resulted in the door getting slammed on me. So, I grabbed the room key and left for a little walk. When I got back, my date was still crying, girl two was bitching in the Igloo, and dude number two was lying at the bottom of an empty hot tub. Naked and pissed, all I could hear him garble was "Gimme back the damn bottle! I wan my Jack, dammit!" She made some remark about him being Mr. Limpy pants because of the whiskey…and proceeded to come out and slam the bottle down on the tub. Breaking it. My girl came out of the ‘Throom, looks over at nude dude, and drops the washcloth she was using as a hanky over his package. I had had enough.
I started for the bed (A yuge waterbed inside the "Igloo" complete with Penguins sewn on the comforter) In order to get in there you had to crawl through the concrete igloo "opening". In doing so, I promptly smacked my forehead head and was knocked out for about a minute and ahalf...then I crawled, crawled up into bed…pulled up the sheets, and realized that no matter who I told about this: No one would believe me. And I also realized if I felt motion in the ocean while I was sleeping- I was gonna yell at someone.
I love prom. And I have pictures of almost all of the events, sans nudity. Taken on a good old 110 camera. The End.
When we last left our hero, he was pantsless and floating in a sea of despair. (Read: Big ass naughty hotel jacuzzi.) His date: Topless and drowning in her own teen pathos (Read: pining for the ex.). The other couple: Engaging in carnal acts in the far corner of the tub, caring little for their own modesty. (Read: drunk and screwing teens.)
What was I to do, you ask?
Thinking quickly, (and hoping that the other couple was distracted…what am I saying, I’m almost positive they were distracted) I lept from the tub towards the corner where I thought my trunks and the bikini top lay. A veritable white streak I was, dripping mullet trailing behind me in a blur. I donned my trunks with a speed, which hadn’t been achieved since the locker room after Junior High Phy Ed swimming. I grabbed the dates top, and handed it back to her which she quickly donned, and helped her out of the tub. Then, I grabbed our overnight bags and led her toward the bathroom- The pinkish, moaning, tangled mess of teens writhing outside my periphery. (Sploosh, Sploosh. Sploosh…"HEY, where’r ya goING?)
In the bathroom we put on our jammies and proceeded to "Talk".
Me- "What’s wrong"
Her- "I miss Old Boyfriend...buh WAAAAAHHH!!!" I started to feel like I was in a Jon Cusack movie. Love that teen angst, huh?
10-15 minutes later, the door opens and there wobbling was a very wet and naked girl number 2 . With bleary eyes she sez "What’r yooos doin’?" Pissed, Un-laid, Un-loved, I made a very off-color comment which resulted in the door getting slammed on me. So, I grabbed the room key and left for a little walk. When I got back, my date was still crying, girl two was bitching in the Igloo, and dude number two was lying at the bottom of an empty hot tub. Naked and pissed, all I could hear him garble was "Gimme back the damn bottle! I wan my Jack, dammit!" She made some remark about him being Mr. Limpy pants because of the whiskey…and proceeded to come out and slam the bottle down on the tub. Breaking it. My girl came out of the ‘Throom, looks over at nude dude, and drops the washcloth she was using as a hanky over his package. I had had enough.
I started for the bed (A yuge waterbed inside the "Igloo" complete with Penguins sewn on the comforter) In order to get in there you had to crawl through the concrete igloo "opening". In doing so, I promptly smacked my forehead head and was knocked out for about a minute and ahalf...then I crawled, crawled up into bed…pulled up the sheets, and realized that no matter who I told about this: No one would believe me. And I also realized if I felt motion in the ocean while I was sleeping- I was gonna yell at someone.
I love prom. And I have pictures of almost all of the events, sans nudity. Taken on a good old 110 camera. The End.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Prom Memories, 1992
Due to the Strib's recent coverage of prom, my current employs at a formal wear store, and Kaiser's Friday Fiver, I present you...dear viewer, with this cherished memory: (It was a little "Blue" to be ran in the Strib.)
The Players-
My date: The Blonde Cheerleader (Or, "big boobed girl" as J calls her) At this time in our young Junior Year Romance, she had yet to cheat on me, and was currently only whining about her "ex". She thought she was pregnant: Every other day. (Even though we hadn’t done "it" in about 5 months.)
Me: Mulleted. Depressed due to this nut-job breaking up and making up with me on a weekly basis, and slowly going broke buying superfluous immaculate conception pregnancy exams. Did I mention that loyalty and stupidity could be bosom comrades?
The "Other Couple": Her best friend and bf’s beef. They had a jones to go from prom and get a room at the FantaSuites in Burnsville. $200 bucks for the dumb ass "Northern Lights" Room- that’s the Igloo room for the uniformed. Oh, for non-MN residents- this is the hotel with the cheesy "theme" rooms that probably video tapes amateur adult film stars. (Or, middle aged couples trying something new.) I saw where they put the camera in the top of the igloo.
Our Story:
We had the booze in the back of the caravan and a mind to party (A bottle of Sun Country, a bottle of Maui, and a bottle of Jack. The Jack was all for the other dude.) After a disastrous dinner where my date spilled her ravioli down the front of her dress, we headed out to Town Square in St. Paul. We were only there for 15 minutes before the other couple, red faced and sweaty from necking, reeeeeally wanted to get back to the hotel. (To give you an example of my perfect love life, my date and I didn’t even dance once. When she and her "ex’s" song came on, she went in the bathroom and cried.)
Later, Me, Raccoon-date, and the Horny’s headed back to the hotel, got into our trunks, filled the hot tub, and proceeded to get sauced and soak. Early on, all was fine. My date was drunk and depressed, the other two were necking in the far corner, and I was thinking (As my mullet floated behind me) about how I was gonna be the one guy not to get any on prom. The # crunchers would love me.
Suddenly, dude # 2 hops on the side and drops his drawers..while his girl starts, um, servicing him while simultaneously undoing her bikini top. (My guess was that they had done this before.) Things started to get little uncomfortable, but my date actually seemed oblivious to all the goings on. That is until girl # 2 turned and (In what looked like an innocent hug) steals away my dates top and chucks it. Then dives under water and yoinks MY trunks and chucks the Hasselhoffs across the room. (They were red gym shorts. I didn't own a real pair of swim trunks at the time.) All the while dude # 2 starts yelling "We should swap, dude!" and "I TOTALLY have a BONER", or my favorite "Fuck Penis Envy, I rullllee!!!". My girl dips down to about her neck to protect her modesty, while I desperately try and think of a saavy way out of this mess.
BUM BUM BUMMMMMMM!!!!!
TBC
The Players-
My date: The Blonde Cheerleader (Or, "big boobed girl" as J calls her) At this time in our young Junior Year Romance, she had yet to cheat on me, and was currently only whining about her "ex". She thought she was pregnant: Every other day. (Even though we hadn’t done "it" in about 5 months.)
Me: Mulleted. Depressed due to this nut-job breaking up and making up with me on a weekly basis, and slowly going broke buying superfluous immaculate conception pregnancy exams. Did I mention that loyalty and stupidity could be bosom comrades?
The "Other Couple": Her best friend and bf’s beef. They had a jones to go from prom and get a room at the FantaSuites in Burnsville. $200 bucks for the dumb ass "Northern Lights" Room- that’s the Igloo room for the uniformed. Oh, for non-MN residents- this is the hotel with the cheesy "theme" rooms that probably video tapes amateur adult film stars. (Or, middle aged couples trying something new.) I saw where they put the camera in the top of the igloo.
Our Story:
We had the booze in the back of the caravan and a mind to party (A bottle of Sun Country, a bottle of Maui, and a bottle of Jack. The Jack was all for the other dude.) After a disastrous dinner where my date spilled her ravioli down the front of her dress, we headed out to Town Square in St. Paul. We were only there for 15 minutes before the other couple, red faced and sweaty from necking, reeeeeally wanted to get back to the hotel. (To give you an example of my perfect love life, my date and I didn’t even dance once. When she and her "ex’s" song came on, she went in the bathroom and cried.)
Later, Me, Raccoon-date, and the Horny’s headed back to the hotel, got into our trunks, filled the hot tub, and proceeded to get sauced and soak. Early on, all was fine. My date was drunk and depressed, the other two were necking in the far corner, and I was thinking (As my mullet floated behind me) about how I was gonna be the one guy not to get any on prom. The # crunchers would love me.
Suddenly, dude # 2 hops on the side and drops his drawers..while his girl starts, um, servicing him while simultaneously undoing her bikini top. (My guess was that they had done this before.) Things started to get little uncomfortable, but my date actually seemed oblivious to all the goings on. That is until girl # 2 turned and (In what looked like an innocent hug) steals away my dates top and chucks it. Then dives under water and yoinks MY trunks and chucks the Hasselhoffs across the room. (They were red gym shorts. I didn't own a real pair of swim trunks at the time.) All the while dude # 2 starts yelling "We should swap, dude!" and "I TOTALLY have a BONER", or my favorite "Fuck Penis Envy, I rullllee!!!". My girl dips down to about her neck to protect her modesty, while I desperately try and think of a saavy way out of this mess.
BUM BUM BUMMMMMMM!!!!!
TBC
Shopski and Hutch
After work yestiddy, J and I helped her dad finish some electrical crappy in the kitchen in preparation for Thursdays cabinet delivery. (2 days and counting kids!) Being the po' actors that we are, we thought we'd capitalize on the few remaining g.c.'s we have in our possession to expand our DVD collection. The booty: Clerks (We have J's film debut Mallrats, Dogma, and Chasing Amy. I told her that we couldn't watch any of them until we saw the 1st film. She was just a little bit underwhelmed, given that it was a 1st time film by a 1st time filmmaker...but there were still a few requisite chuckles from her. 'Specially the mis-treatment of customers bit. "That's how you are at the costume shop, aren't you?" Yes honey, I am Randall.) "Jay and Silent Bob Strike back" (YOU are the one's who are the Ball Lickers!), and Big Fish (Random, I know, but we both do love that tear puller of a movie.)
While at the Best of BUy, I tried to casually slip a "Force FX Lightsaber" into our basket. It was noticed. Thankfully the nice clerk had one out of the box for me to twirl around for a minute. At least until I started knocking over the answering machine. J stayed about 5 rows away and hid. *
We also peeked in Bed Bath and Beyond to check out some curtain-age, and wound up walking out with this kinda "Euro Chair" for the TV room. It's kitchy, and looks very "Star Trekky", yet remarkably comfortable and fits two nicely : ) (ahem)
Now, this is for the truly home oriented nerd: We picked our sink and faucets. Yeah....We're finally gonna have a KITCHEN!!!!
(We started moving some of our major appliance back in from the dining room where we've been camping out, BACK into the kitchen. The room it creates, oh my, the room.)
I'm off to present at a board meeting. You know the one- Where you get so "bored" attending?
* DVD which I almost purchased that didn't make the list:
Revenge of the Nerds
Real Genius
Breakin' II Electric Boogaloo
The Last Dragon
Twin Peaks Season One (The couldn't find it)
Mulholland Dr.
While at the Best of BUy, I tried to casually slip a "Force FX Lightsaber" into our basket. It was noticed. Thankfully the nice clerk had one out of the box for me to twirl around for a minute. At least until I started knocking over the answering machine. J stayed about 5 rows away and hid. *
We also peeked in Bed Bath and Beyond to check out some curtain-age, and wound up walking out with this kinda "Euro Chair" for the TV room. It's kitchy, and looks very "Star Trekky", yet remarkably comfortable and fits two nicely : ) (ahem)
Now, this is for the truly home oriented nerd: We picked our sink and faucets. Yeah....We're finally gonna have a KITCHEN!!!!
(We started moving some of our major appliance back in from the dining room where we've been camping out, BACK into the kitchen. The room it creates, oh my, the room.)
I'm off to present at a board meeting. You know the one- Where you get so "bored" attending?
* DVD which I almost purchased that didn't make the list:
Revenge of the Nerds
Real Genius
Breakin' II Electric Boogaloo
The Last Dragon
Twin Peaks Season One (The couldn't find it)
Mulholland Dr.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Stuck in my craw...
(1st- Fug. It's cold. Like, no fun cold where the fuck did summer go did we pass it I don't know but it frickin sucks...cold. )
I got a wild hair up my butt last week and ended up shopping Amazon for 3 plays- 2 out of pure fancy, and the 3rd is a play I was told I should audition for. How weird am I? "P- Blah de blah theatre is doing 'Blah', and Blah-de McBlah is directing it, you should totally audition!" Next thing you know I'm buying the play, checking my schedule for the next couple of months, thinking about what role would suit me, blah. I get weirdly OCD about things like that sometimes. I'm not cast, yet I'm thinking...always thinking. I'm fat.
That's the way it is with me. I get an idea, thought, whim and I start figuring out how to make it work.
Yestiddy, J was watching "West Side Story" (Which, I hear tell, is the next show her employer is producing.) I kiddingly told her that I'd make a terriffic Puerto Rican Lady. She sez back to me: "I really think you should audition, hon." (Insert my eye roll here.) And even though I'm cognizent enough to know my own skill levels and also realize after 7 or 8 auditions out there I won't get cast. (I know who they'll go with, and the dudes they do cast can usually dance like mo-fo's) Even after all that rigga, as soon as J said "Whatever sweetie. You can sing. I've heard you before." (sighs) I realized that I'll probably audition for that too. I'm a sucker. I can't say no to her.
"A guy like dat...he keel your bruddah!" Seriously. If you haven't seen the flick, or haven't seen it in a while, check it out. Russ Tamblyn's unassisted back flip off the pole is as unbelievable as any Jackie Chan stunt.
I'm also thinking of T-shirts. FeeF PeeT. Funny to me.
I got a wild hair up my butt last week and ended up shopping Amazon for 3 plays- 2 out of pure fancy, and the 3rd is a play I was told I should audition for. How weird am I? "P- Blah de blah theatre is doing 'Blah', and Blah-de McBlah is directing it, you should totally audition!" Next thing you know I'm buying the play, checking my schedule for the next couple of months, thinking about what role would suit me, blah. I get weirdly OCD about things like that sometimes. I'm not cast, yet I'm thinking...always thinking. I'm fat.
That's the way it is with me. I get an idea, thought, whim and I start figuring out how to make it work.
Yestiddy, J was watching "West Side Story" (Which, I hear tell, is the next show her employer is producing.) I kiddingly told her that I'd make a terriffic Puerto Rican Lady. She sez back to me: "I really think you should audition, hon." (Insert my eye roll here.) And even though I'm cognizent enough to know my own skill levels and also realize after 7 or 8 auditions out there I won't get cast. (I know who they'll go with, and the dudes they do cast can usually dance like mo-fo's) Even after all that rigga, as soon as J said "Whatever sweetie. You can sing. I've heard you before." (sighs) I realized that I'll probably audition for that too. I'm a sucker. I can't say no to her.
"A guy like dat...he keel your bruddah!" Seriously. If you haven't seen the flick, or haven't seen it in a while, check it out. Russ Tamblyn's unassisted back flip off the pole is as unbelievable as any Jackie Chan stunt.
I'm also thinking of T-shirts. FeeF PeeT. Funny to me.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
I can't make this stuff up.
Prom sucks when you work at a tux shop. But this little ray of sunshine came into the store Saturday and brightened my day considerably.
A cutie strolled in w/her mom, looking for some last minute idea's. (She and her date were dressing in 50's style outfits. They wanted a zoot hat and some additional costume bling.) Her hair was up, nails and toenails painted...literally "ready to go", except for her sweats. And her black eyes.
Yup, two shiners.
While her mom was using the loo, I asked her "Okay, I know there has to be a story". Quick on the uptake she was, she replied "Soft ball".
(moi) "Yeah?"
(Her) "Well, I was playing shortstop and went for a low bounce grounder and on the last bounce it went right past my glove and hit me on the forehead. "
(me) "Ow, not the best accident to happen before prom".
(her- Straight faced) "Yeah, our coach is always telling me to dig for those balls when they are coming atcha."
Damn. Funny Funny Funny.
A cutie strolled in w/her mom, looking for some last minute idea's. (She and her date were dressing in 50's style outfits. They wanted a zoot hat and some additional costume bling.) Her hair was up, nails and toenails painted...literally "ready to go", except for her sweats. And her black eyes.
Yup, two shiners.
While her mom was using the loo, I asked her "Okay, I know there has to be a story". Quick on the uptake she was, she replied "Soft ball".
(moi) "Yeah?"
(Her) "Well, I was playing shortstop and went for a low bounce grounder and on the last bounce it went right past my glove and hit me on the forehead. "
(me) "Ow, not the best accident to happen before prom".
(her- Straight faced) "Yeah, our coach is always telling me to dig for those balls when they are coming atcha."
Damn. Funny Funny Funny.
SubBASTARDS!!!
Those hairy sumbitches at Subway toasted my Sweet Onion Chicken Teryaki sub without even FRICKING asking! It was so damn busy, and I was late enough to job # 2 that I didn't have them corrected.
Let me just rant for the record that I do not like toasted subs. It turns the bread into stale crap...like they left it sitting out overnight, but without the mold. And crumbs! Fycking crumbs EVERYwhere, and what's even WORSE is that the hard tack which they call the bread cut the hell outta the roof of my mouth! So now I sit here typing, pissed at Subway, and running my tongue along the roof of my mouth like I was 10 and just ate a bowl of "King Vitamin". (Remember that happy crappy? It was the generic form Cap'n Crunch. Whatever they put in those cereals to keep'em free from the dreaded "Soggies" only wound up turning them into Golden Toasted Razor Blades. No wonder I liked Puffed Rice as a kid.)
Let me just rant for the record that I do not like toasted subs. It turns the bread into stale crap...like they left it sitting out overnight, but without the mold. And crumbs! Fycking crumbs EVERYwhere, and what's even WORSE is that the hard tack which they call the bread cut the hell outta the roof of my mouth! So now I sit here typing, pissed at Subway, and running my tongue along the roof of my mouth like I was 10 and just ate a bowl of "King Vitamin". (Remember that happy crappy? It was the generic form Cap'n Crunch. Whatever they put in those cereals to keep'em free from the dreaded "Soggies" only wound up turning them into Golden Toasted Razor Blades. No wonder I liked Puffed Rice as a kid.)
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