Top M.A.'s

1st off: Random rant from 2 days ago is dead and buried, and the Show situation is back to normal. The Powers that be took care of it. That being said, I am back to full-time happy. Go see Henry V. It's a-gonna be-a good. Really-Really. Swords N' Stuff. (Not like those crappy chili-stuffed hot dogs called "Frank 'N Stuffs" Barf-O-Rama)

I like wearing long-underwear. It makes me feel like I'm wearing a superhero costume underneath my duds. Y'know? Sneak into the broom closet to change and then save the world? Who am I kidding. I'd probably just go into the broom closet to masterb...I mean steal cleaning supplies. And I don't care for the bitter cold.

I was watching the fight scenes from the movie "Best of the Best" last night before dozing...and It got me thinking of the "best" M.A. movies in my estimation. I figured as a martial arteest, I have a different take on what I consider gut vs. bet. So, before I begin let me fart by staying...start by saying that I'm gearing this towards what I see as some of the most creative 'ography. Or the stuff that just fucking looks cool. The movies may suck, but damn...they can KEEE-Ick!!!! I'm 50!!!! In no partic order-

Best of the Best 1 and 2. (1989 and 1993) thought of as crapfests. #1 gives you James Earl Jones at his hammiest as an Italian...yes Italian coach. And Sally Kirland..wtf? Perrenial Douchebag, and mullet wearer Eric Roberts is at his teary eyed best. And Chris "Why can't I have a Mystic River" Penn does his thing. (Part 2 was no better, with Wayne Newton and A.Schwarzey's training buddy- 6'6" Rolf Moeller as the pre-requisite baddies.) Why watch these?
Phillip and Simon Rhee. The tourney fight at the end of part one will make you think that you are getting hit. No speed ups, no wires...just some bad-ass fighting. And some really crappy "Come-From-Behind" 80's music.

The Matrix (1999) Fuck the sequels and their stupid asses. Why did this movie work? Show of hands? The dojo training program and subsequent fight between Cowboy Curtis and Ted. Up until then, you had Van Damme and Seagal in their genre' flicks. This one had two mainstream film stars whooping it up. Seriously, they had, 7 different styles of M.A. wove together. Nothing specifically kung-fooey, they had Capoeria, Boxing, Shotokan...Uff Da. The next two films bored me. This got me right where I needed it. And did I mention Miss Moss? Oy. Points are going to be deducted because this caused every superhero movie in it's wake to use black leather as the costume du jour. And for Bullet time. Oooooooooo.

The Transporter. (2002) I know people that hate hate hate this movie. I thought it was frickin' cool. Just, cool. The first fight after Handsome Rob gets his car blown up is pretty bad-ass. Yep. I hit my buddy in his gonads by accident after a scene in this film.

The Legend of Drunken Master (aka Drunken Master 2- 1994) Um, if you haven't seen this yet. See it. I'm loathe to put a Jackie Chan film here, since they all sort of run together in my mind. Oh look, there's the money stunt. Oh Look, he's climbing the wall again. This movie kicks all sorts of ass. From the first fracas under the train. (Wow) to the big brawl (100 odd guys with HATCHETS! Props to the dude who falls over the railing has an onscreen super-bad biff. He must've drew the short straw) And the best "Super Baddie" at the end. It'll hurt to watch.

Ong Bak (2003) This will just be finding it's release in America w/ a different cut. Yeah, I haven't seen it and I'm not a huge fan of Muay Thai...but after the watching the super fricking cool trailer, but I highly suggest you check this dude out. The dude jumps over a car. A car. I hear tell they're doing a drunken master sequel with this dude and J.Chan. Yeeeeeeah Booyyyy!!!!

Iron Monkey (1993) Arguably the worst title here. The fighting is top-notch. JM even stayed awake for this one. Donnie Yen is the shit, and on the heels of this review check him out in "Hero". (Which I liked, until it got waaaaayyyy too commercial) and "House of Flying Daggers" (Hero 2: Electric Boogaloo) You'll flip for the Shadow Kick and "Buddha's Palm".

lastly
Rapid Fire (1993) and (Kinda) Showdown In Little Tokyo (1992).
I'm biased. I thought Brandon Lee was a kick ass Martial Artist and his loss was actually a pretty big deal to my brother and I in terms of celebrity deets. While Rapid Fire is his "star vehicle" he and Dolph have some brilliant shit they do in "Showdown"
(Namely the Bar Brawl. Lee does a backflip off a table.) It turns into a "shoot 'em up" but it has great fights. Rapid Fire I will find on DVD sometime. I've wore out my VHS copy. Why? The apartment fight (Ladies: all Lee with no shirt, whoopin' all kinds of ass on "bad" FBI agents.) and his fight with "the disposable bad guy" (Al Leong. You've seen him everywhere. Now see him Fight!) That Laundromat fight makes me want to be a better Martial Artist. Choreographer Jeff Imada is the shit (He turned the fights in "Daredevil" into the only redeeming quality of that reeeeediculous shit box of a movie) And apparently he lifted ideas from Chan, and Bruce Lee when creating the improvised fight stuff. Just, uhhhh cool shit. All Around.

Why didn't I mention the Kill Bill's? (Great fights. Really) CTHD? (Another great film. I love Michelle Yeoh.) Les Pact du Loups? (Mark Dascascos is the shit. A bad-ass-martial artist. In his movies he does the M.A equivalent of a hip-hop dancer learning ballet, or Meryl Streep learning whatever fucking language she's decided to learn this week) Ehh. They knew what they wanted to be when they were made. Kill Bill 2 gets an honorable mention, if anything for the "Cruel Master" training scene. Michael Jai White not making the cut sucks though.

I avoided specific genre' movies (Seagal's "Above the Law", DammeT's "Bloodsport", Speakman's "The Perfect Weapon". ) Great Martial Arts action and all, but they are there just to showoff the artist. Not make a movie. However, if you ever want to learn about Aikido, Tae Kwon Do, or Kenpo respectively...those are the flicks to watch. And why no Chuck? Cause Chuck's movies suck. Except "A force of One"...with Bill "Superfoot" Wallace.


Am I obsessed? A little, but see what happens to YOU when you are raised on a diet of Shaw Films and Sho Kosugi Ninja Action.

Sanjuro: You're all tough, then?
Gambler: What? Kill me if you can!
Sanjuro: It'll hurt.