Unemployment, Wk2: The actual first interview

I had this played out all wrong in my mind. I was going to find the place, show up early, fill out my s#it, charm the pants of the interviewer, shake hands, and go. Your email says to allow up to two hours? I humbly beg to differ, thanks.

• Arrive and park in proscribed ramp. Make a mental note to memorize location. Blog followers may remember the 15 year high school reunion debacle from last fall. Na. Gonna. Happen. Twice.
• Promptly get lost. Try navigating on the outside to no avail. Ask for directions and wonder why they have to stand and face the direction I should go instead of "Just go right when you exit". I must look stupid and lost.
• FINALLY find the place. Just in time. Check in, give my ID's and ask for a restroom. By this point I know I'm sweating. And need to pee. Mop my brow and thankfully don't think I stink.
• Wait and fill out a homeowners closing amount of paperwork. I9's, W4's, Criminal Background checks, consent forms, the works. Wait another 15 and read "Savage Love". Wonder if other reception area attendee's are looking over my should assuming I'm looking for either "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Tonight" based on the ads on the opposite page.
• Led into the testing center. I fly through the core competencies (Readin'/Writin'/'Rithmatic) and Customer Care (Doi, I could have wrote it) and get a moment of self consciousness. Should I re-check my work? It isn't a race. Say "Eff it" and move on to MS applications.
• Excel and Word aren't as forgiving. They tell you what you answered wrong, and it feels like I am not going to pass. Thankfully, they let you go back and correct answers at the end. At my old employers, I only worked with specific areas of both programs so I was really rusty. Frack.
• 10 key exercises. Grateful I don't own a laptop, again, I finish these fairly quickly. Done. Check my phone, and it is 1:35. 1:35!?!?!
• 1:42, check in again and am asked to wait. I ask for potty break number two and they say "fine". In the bathroom, I notice my fly has been down since probably the first potty break. Whoops. Text RSVP and say I'll be late for lunch.
• 1:55pm, an interview. Finally. After we've sat down, I'm told we'll be reviewing my test scores first. Oh F#ck. In my mind, this means they're calling me on some BS they found. They should be asking me about my past jobs, hobbies, and what I'd like to do at which job. But no. Scores first. I'm doomed.
• (Click away if you don't like back-patting hubris) "Your scores are the highest I've seen here. '100%' in core competencies, '98%' customer care, '99%' 10 key, and '86%' and '72%' in Word and Excel respectively...". Um. What? My first thought after seeing the "Expected Customer Care average-'61%' is "Who is accepting that? That isn't 'good' customer service?"
• Chat away- We go over where I'd like to be, my last choices in departments in which to work, benefits, employee referrals, and if I have any questions.
• 2:10pm. I'm so hungry I could eat my own arm. I meet RSVP 15-20 minutes later and we do lunch.

So that's that Jack Sprat. I can also follow up with their other local branches since they have specific contracts with specific companies so a more immediate placement may occur. (They didn't seem to want that, but they said they will share this info with all of their other branches if I contact them for placement as well)

Hm. I need a nap.