"We'll need you to take off your belt as well, please".
That was how it was when I walked into the Fed Courthouse for my one day mock-trial gig. Good old Porkchop hooked me up with a gig through her employer where I was to play a defendant for 5th year law students working on direct/cross examinations in the court room. I actually get up, shower, make breakfast, and dress myself like I have a day job. I feel slightly human. Purposeful.
After fretting about what I was going to say to the guards regarding why I'm there. (I mean, how many people go to court and say "Hi! I'm the 'Talent'! I need to go up to the top floor for a gig!" without them looking at you funny and the one behind the counter making a covert call on his walkie talkie pinned to his lapel) Fortunately for me, they just scan me and wave me through. The cavity search was a little weird.
Upon heading to the court room, I'm actually pretty amazed at the view. The top floor of the Fed/Courthouse faces directly in line with the old Courthouse clock face. From there, you can see Portland Ave stretching to Bloomington, the Midtown Market, Twins stadium construction...it's actually pretty cool. And then the enormity of the fact that this guy, this...judge...gets his own courtroom. Top floor. And this courtroom, I mean, I frass about dad working across the street all those years for the Sheriff's Dept but it occurs to me that I'd never actually been "in" a real live courtroom. (Well, I disputed a misdemeanor and had it tossed out back in '96 but that was more like an executive office with chairs. ) This place was stately. Vaulted ceilings. Computer monitors to view evidence for the judge/jury/witness/defense/prosecution. (I was confused by the additional tables. The lay out was like you see on TV, but perpindicular to the attorney's desks there was an additional pair of desks that didn't seem to have a point whatsoever) Then there is the pulpit, a desk with a scanner for evidence, and it isn't so much a judges desk as it is two long-assed rows for potential multi-judge review. (Dad told me about this later)
The last thing you notice is the portraiture on the back wall. These folks get painted. That has to mean importance. This place is like a church. Except, like, instead of wafers and wine you get a sentence.
I get introduced and situated, and end up drawing the short straw which meant I couldn't "play" jury duty and was to follow the plaintiff to the stand. Did I mention we aren't given a lot of prep for this? Like, it's "here is the case, here is your name...go." All I knew was what I scanned, and was given the tip of "When in doubt, say 'I have no recollection of those events'..." Greeeeeat. Annnnd here come the nerves.
I did my best not to seem snarky or act the goof. (Epic labor on my part, thanks. The opportunity to riff and frass while getting questioned was great, but I tamped it down) I did have one moment of weakness when the prosecution was asking "Sooooo...did you in fact receive a 15% salary increase in year 4?" ("I have no recollection of those ev..." Folks, it was in the prep statement I was given. I just should have read the dumb thing) "Really? It says here that in lieu of securing the deal with Cranbrooke PLC that you were assured a 15% increase in your current salary?" (Pause..."Well I'm not often privvy to the forms that our bonuses can take") "How so? How is that?" (Pause..."Well once I received a fruitbasket. Sometimes we time share a cabin. There were jams once...Preserves....")
For my lame assed attempt at humor, I was given the title of a "difficult witness". Next time I was up there, I was gonna shoot for "hostile witness". Smack my hand on the desk. Tell people the whole court was out of order. Knock over my desk. It would be completely out of context of the case, but that'd learn'em. ("I'd like the court to note that the defendant should be treated as 'dipshit'.")
We broke for a few hours for lunch where I was again able to meet RSVP for lunch. Then it was back where after a frassy coin-toss (Seriously? It was like asking monkey's to call it. "Wait, sooooo 'heads' mean I'm on the stand, or does 'tails' mean jury?" It literally took the four of us 10 minutes to organize a coin toss.) I lost. I was on the stand.
And I was hammered. My defender was all like "Slow down" and "Stop there, we'll get back to that" and "Market share in the EC" and I was like..."blink...blink, blink". And the prosecutor...hooooo..."So what you're saying is" (Like I'm gonna remember what I just made up on the spot. I can't even remember what I had for breakfast) and "You feared for you job?" and "That's not what this email drafted in year 6 says" (We didn't get a copy of these, btw. It was intended to trip us up and to give them leverage during their cross) It was actually kind of tiring.
We ended up staying close to an hour afterwards while they received feedback. Eventually, the head adjudicator (playing "The Judge") says to us "So, what did you guys think of the process" (directing this ditty to me, on the stand)
"Really?"
"Sure. You've seen these all day. What are your thoughts"
"Truthfully??"
"Sure. Candid comments will be their best feedba-"
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!"
Walked right the f#ck into that one, didn't ya mister smarty pants lawyer?
In other news, I was nauseous for the remainder of the day. The dry heaves started on the way back and didn't finish until something was produced. (I'm blaming the sandwich, which was too much for one person to eat.) Dinner w/Moda was skipped. I made it through 1/3rd of "Saving Ryan's Privates" before going to bed at 8pm. 8. And no job offers yet, btw. Frack.
By way of post-script, I talked to my dad for an hour afterwards (Big surprise there. Call home to see where Mom was and get dad for an hour) I told him I made an egregious error on my part by not pursuing law as a career. They way I see it, beside the research/buttload of course work and debt, it takes an actor to really sell this shit. You need to listen, improvise, and get a rapport established with the jury. In fact, every one of the practioners were given that feedback. And I told him that above all, the experience was really kind of cool.
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