A telegram to the weather

(In light of the last 2 weeks worth of rain- Today notwithstanding...GORgeous)


"Dear Rain." (Stop)
"Stop". (Stop)

The open letter:

Rain,

This letter has been a long time coming, but I wanted to let you know that if we are to continue in this relationship we need to establish some ground rules. We've known each other long enough, and I think that since we've both grown in our respective ways (Notice how I don't go running out under cathedral drown spouts for impromtu showers when it thunderstorms in the summer? That is simply a recipe for pneumonia) I believe that these requests are completely reasonable and quite frankly- neccessary. Both for my mental health and the health of the community.

1- You are only to rain heavily on intermittent days after the last of your friend, brother snow, has left the ground and there are no longer gray piles at the end of parking lots.

2- The aforementioned rain, must be heavy. And only start between the hours of 9-3pm Monday through Friday. CST

3- This can continue (And you can keep your gray April, and early May) for no more than 3 months, but I don't think that it's difficult to provide us with no less than 15 warm/sunny days to help those of us who suffer from S.A.D. Week 2 of June is when this should subside.

4- Intermittent showers may continue during the duration of the summer, with a request that they start to taper off toward the beginning of August.

5- Showers may (again) last from between 9-3pm CST. They will not allow my commute either to or from work to be hampered and last longer than the 25 minutes it already takes. Yesterday was a grave violation of my trust, rain. 50 minutes is unacceptable.

6- Afternoon and weekend showers are banned. You will not be allowed to hamper any outdoor activities, and jogs will no longer be called "soggy joggies" thank you.

7- In an act of unFATHOMABLE generosity, I will also allow showers between the hours of 1am and 4am- CST. (These "Lil' Dribblers" as I like to call them, help me sleep. And they are MUCH cheaper than a noise machine) Light, distant thunder boomies will enhance this experience.

8- We are NOT Seattle. You may get jealous of the rampant gray wet weather they experience, but lets please let our precipatory reputation here in MN be relagated to a cold-ass February and a snowy-ass March. We DO happen to need to have our own identities, you know?


You see? I don't think that these demands are unreasonable. And I really think that you'll make friends with our farmer pals if you give them copious amounts of H20 when they need it, and not these ramshackle random mish mash antics that you find so amusing.

Not cool, Rain. Not. Cool.