Cribbing Maggie Kuhn today...

Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind -- even if your voice shakes.

I have a confession.  I'll be resolution-ing all year long.   Sure, I'll be shopping locally.  So far this month I've spent Thursday's (and most days) cooking/creating new dishes with ingredients from the co-op that are healthy, well-portioned, and subsequently that (coupled with myfitnesspal.com) have been extremely helpful with my feeling better.  Cleaner.  And losing a few pounds for my effort.  Go me. 

I've already failed a few of them, but I'm resigned to the fact that they were lofty goals to begin with.  Because that asshole blew through the 4-way stop this morning and I saw it coming a mile away, even if I was there first.  And that other asshole at the gym didn't bother moving an inch when our lockers were right-next to each other.  In fact, he spread his shit out and made me walk around him- get my bag and my clothes out of my locker- and set up camp in the aisle so he could get ready with room to spare.  It's just not possible for me to take a deep breath and not think: "You people are selfish assholes".

What is possible for me is to pity them.  To feel sorry for them.  To heap my own compassion on my silly judgement and annoyed observations like a balm.  With the simple hope that maybe being a tempered man will help me be a better person on the day to day.  I don't need Oprah, a meme, the bible, or anything else.  I think I just need to be okay with not being a selfish dick- even if seeing selfish dickery in the world sets my teeth on edge.

On a slightly related note, and steering us back to today's subject...

I've noticed a trend of how I'm "tamping down" my emotions in light of those silly personal situations.  On a broader scale however, as an example, when I read/hear things in the news and social media?  It's normally not too hard to tamp...because I ain't there.  When I read wildly differing, varying opinions.  Stories in the media. It feels like...more or less...there's a marked lack of confidence and feeling of hope in the world at large.  In FACT, it feels a lot like gloom and doom have been the blue plate special over the last, ooohhhhh, 12-13 years.   Well I'm proud to say that, for my part, I have never added to the melange.  I've never had to voice my opinion because I thought I was above it.

When I resigned from my 1st corporate jobs amidst an (accurate) forecast that the job market would be scarce, I didn't worry.  I didn't buy in to the hysteria that happened after 9/11 and I watched and participated in a changed world with nary a complaint.  When th markets crashed causing job loss, when loved one's leave or pass away, personal challenges force me to acknowledge this terrible ongoing feeling that the other shoe will drop at any point.  I felt it was a personal responsibility of everyone to keep moving forward.  To keep gripping on to hope.  Myself included.

Omnia Mutantur, huh?

And here's where I rant:

In light of all this "head down and sally forthing", the world seems to keep splitting and subdividing like a cell.  And as this continues to happen, we're all witness to the entitlement that our country has pulled up to their chin like a protective blanket.  It's popped up all over and been elevated and inflated by the media (and yes.  Let's get real.  Really real.  It isn't "both sides".  One side is making extraordinary comments and damaging claims.  To become outraged while "The other side" is trying to stay calm should give you a clue.  Do you know who cops listen to when called to a domestic?  The calm one.  The one who isn't shouting.)  Guys...I know- for a really real fact- of websites that PAID two people to start some shit with one and other in order to drum up traffic.

 Politics and Religion, two things that polite society used to never discuss outside of our homes (Nostalgic Mikey misses that a lot.)  and moreover- were never supposed to meet IN government (the latter was meant to reinforce the former with the idea that people with faith are people who can lead and inspire, versus the current world where religion is tossed around so callously as to seem like you're flaunting a golden ticket.  Which, you know, makes sense? No?  Fuck no. )

Our Humility and faith has shaken free, and been replaced self-righteousness and cynicism.   And for good reason.   Corporations and politicians and religious leaders have abused our trust.  We're now able to see some really, really harsh and ugly truth's after spending the longest time happy in our ignorance and blind trust.  But accountability has been called into action.  And we're now on the road of harsh recovery.  So much money has been lost that we will never get back.  Jobs.  Homes.  Our own feeling of hope and security in the future has been impinged upon.  We can no longer trust our hard work will result in prosperity.  Job loyalty will no longer guarantee job security.  I'm not even saying upward-promotion. That notion is almost a mirage. A historical by-product of our tunneled optimism.

Do you get me?  You've seen all this, right?  Even superficially?

   As a nation, we have been watching as we're told that Santa and the Easter Bunny are fake, and mom's been taking both the tooth and the silver dollar under your pillow this whole time.  And that's that.
The bottom line is that life is extremely hard and unfair.  And if there's one thing we, as a nation can agree on, is that those are two truth's that are inescapable.   Nice that we can rally around those two nuggets of hope.    And after a lifetime of keeping my opinions out of the mix.  Of being told it's embarrssing and impolite to go stomping around and shouting my opinion.  Of attempting to stay neutral (while sending my support to things I believe in for the betterment of the world), I'm starting to reach maximum capacity with my bullshit meter.  Namely, and to start with current event- Guns.

Before I continue, I should really clarify what my point is with this lengthy and rambly blog:  I'm speaking my mind, here.

And the mind I plan on speaking is very plain and very simple.  Because there are black and white issues in the world.  There is right, and there is wrong.  When it rains, you don't get dry.  When the sun is shining, it's not dark out.  Minnesota gets blisteringly cold in January.  Outside of troll assholes, we can all agree with some strong certainty that these are true statements?  A raven is very well not like a fucking writing desk, dig?  I'm here to call out the bullshit.  Because there has been bulllllshit aplenty.  And it has to stop.

There are people who are finding it very easy to get ahead and push their own empowering agendas by fostering fear.  By exploiting the percussive mistrust and allowing anger to be a rallying point.  By taking the false hopes for a better world, laying them bare and transparent and saying "There.  See?  It's a shitty world.  But we can help you defend what's yours!".   Or something a lot of folks feel strongly about- Mother Church.  When I was growing up, church was a place of family.  Of fostering brother and sisterhood.   And I know for a fact that it's still that way for many of my friends, family, and loved ones.  Of welcoming new members and stirring hope and faith.  And yet...people are also using it as another safety blanket to push agendas that are, at their foundation, not very Christian.  

I'm sick of politics and I want out.  KIDding.  What I'm sick of is what I miss.  I miss it being a bunch of people in expensive clothes harrumping and making attempts at their harrumphs sounding like the other guys harrumphs so that even if the harrumphs don't mesh, at least a few mutual harrumphs will happen.  Usually for the benefit of our great nation.  Annnnd now?  Now the terribly stupid fight's my desk buddy and I had in 8th grade Social Studies about who we would vote for (meaning- who our parents were voting for.) which degenerated into name calling between us until we'd make up and still have 2nd period lunch together?  THAT seems like more of a civil discourse that is going on in the government.   It's white noise that is seemingly never acted on- and I'm not entirely certain people forget that when two people are shouting at each other in a relationship, they tend to miss each other's point entirely and there is no. Compromise.  There's Definitely no make-up sex.

Social media (sighs) is dead sexy for fanning the flames of discourse.  Here's another sexy truth- since the primitive days of arguing on the internet over, oh, who thought the movie "Face/Off" was genius and who thought it was a piece of crap (it was)- it's been proven time and again that arguing a point on the internet is as impossible as making a drinking cup out of a sneeze.  It is not.  Possible.  Even if you ask for an opinion you're going to wind up with a string of comments that resemble a stupid joke about lightbulbs and how many people it takes to change it. 

This last year during the election and the subsequent "hot button issues" (gay marriage, voter ID, et.al.) I watched things get seemingly hotter than they'd ever gotten.  Violently verbose discourse in an election year is nothing new, but that shamefully ignorant vitriol that kept bubbling up- the inability to yield...to accept another position...to take a deep knee bend-  kept raising up the mirror time and again.  And yet nobody became any better off.  No one took a long look at themselves.  I had to censor myself from commenting/writing to family members.  I found myself watching with disgust as friends and family posted information or would drop comments about how they felt about one candidate or the other.    Or I guess I should say my candidate.  The guy who won.

And these are my friends.  And my family.  Friends.  Family.  And fuck everyone else and the election, but I feel awfully strongly about my friends and my family.  I give a maddening amount of latitude to both.  Of acceptance.  And here I found that patience tested.  And as someone that doesn't go to church or have a support group, I found myself filled with quite a bit of despair. 

You get me?  That earlier optimism?  The desire to stay respectful and positive in light of adversity.  My belief that people can find calm and balance and come together?  Was tested.  Because of social media.  In short, fuck you election year social media.  Eat a dick for making me question my own family and friends. 

Because I saw it (and still see it) dripped in there.  I'm sure people have good intentions when they voice there opinion (or re-post "[fill in the blank]" article from "[your preferred political news source]").  I can't help feeling that their energy is wasted on their like-minded friends and usually reserved for swaying particular family members who have leanings to the contrary.  You might think that because an actor I'm automatically (Democrat/Liberal/Hangs out with smelly hippies.) and while the latter is true, I'm fairly moderate and conservative.  I just save my conservativism for polite and respectful discourse and try and use it to stay focused and steady- to not allow my passions to subvert my overall desires:

To see our nation make attempts at moving forward.  To stop digging in our heels collectively and realize that acting like a Schoolhouse Rock commercial makes more sense.  To remember that we can be great again.  To stop pointing the finger of blame.  To stop obstinately making progress impassable just because someone isn't in your political party.  (Or worse, the hyper-zealous off-shoots of either party.  Which, by the way- were created to create discourse. Don't believe me?  Google "Who created the Tea Party"...and I crap you not, I first read about it in Pl#yboy.) 

Look, here's a truth that isn't a crock of new age bullshit-  Peace, Love, Prosperity, Progress, Hope, Faith...there is nothing wrong with wanting this.  There's nothing wrong with wanting affordable health care for everyone.  For wanting a safe environment where our children can learn and be challenged to be better.  I'm not wrong (this is a theme, friends, that I will probably be pissing you off with) by saying All of these things are good things to aspire to.  If you say contrary, I'm going to believe you think standing in a thundershower is the best hair dryer, ever. 

Guys, I'm going to do something stupid and I'm going to speak my mind in the coming months.  I've pretty much dithered on about topical nonsense for the last 8 years I've been writing here- with a few patent exceptions- and it's been fun.  I have 3 readers who subscribe. 

And I'm going to sit with the self-loathing that it's taken the death of a bunch of children.  Of babies.  Of kids who are the same age as my niece and nephew.  Of people who were innocent.   That's the impetus for this.  Don't worry.  I'll still try to do my best to keep things shorter in the future.  (As promised.)  So here's a very simple truth to kick off 2013:

Guns do kill people.  

Okay?  Yay.  I'd sooner deny someone the right to bear arms as I would spit in their face for breathing.  Crystal clear?  There need to be changes in our current gun laws.  Not constitution.  How they're regulated.  Not taking yours away from you.  Who gets them.  And no.  Nobody needs a machine gun for home use.

I don't need to post links, statistics.  Guns kill people.  A lot of people.  And those are facts.  If you can leave out the NRA, the sales people who are trying to make a mint on home protection, and maybe welcome some dialogue instead of shutting down with imaginary scenarios- we might start taking steps in the right direction.

Be nice, until it's time to not be nice...

I'm almost positive I blogged about this ages ago.  Name callers.



Terrible ass movie.  Probably the best work the guy has done.

I should qualify this.  Many who know me know I personally have a metric f#ck ton of nicknames.  (Mad Dog, Baby P, Slender Branch, et.al.)  I think being referred to as "Mad Dog" has caused me-in turn- to give them out in spades.  FeeJ, Rusty, Ranch, Biggie, Geef, Ry-Gonn, Per-Per, Farvey...   And when I'm lazy? I just dole out the old jock-o throwback of "The Last Name".   I don't know why I do it.  I just know that it's the way my brain is hardwired.  And I know that it's never done with malice in my heart or directed cruelty.  'Cause let's face it- if it's a really, really good nickname?  It'll stick.  
Last year, I was given a tip from a girlfriend that she and her buddies give out nicknames.  And they tended to be pointy.  A little naughty.  And usually directed at a dude that may or may not have slighted them.  I called her out on it, and self-righteously pointed out that it was just plain mean for means sake.   Displaced anger at a person who doesn't even know you're doing it, and solely so you and your buddies can have a chuckle at the person's expense.  Shame shame.  I never do that- ever.


Orrrrrrrr do I?

Self-busted.

Since it was a few years ago, right here on the old blog, that railed on my fellow gym members.  Not just the occasional party-foul like the people who hog benches or don't wipe them down.  Who leave their towels in a pile on the floor of the changing room or take the locker immediately next to you even if there are others available.  The gym (or, when I'm not rehearsing...sadly, the place I tend to spend the most time outside of work or home.) is my place to find Zen.  To WORK OUT.  To focus, get rid of stress, beat on my body, to breathe, to shower quick and boogie on with my day.  And my natural tendency to stifle my umbrage means I get to kvetch about it here on the old blog for your benefit.   I don't like really talking to the other members.  Hell, I generally avoid talking to the staff even though they all know my name and I have a hard time telling Barry from Randy if they were both standing in front of me.. In short, my dirty hypocrisy as well as burgeoning misanthropy that I seem to be adopting in my old age- shines through.

And so, I'll make a concerted effort in 2013 to "not" cast mental disparagements at people which start with their well-deserved imaginary nicknames they are unaware of...and maybe actually engage other members in conversation.  I'm not great at engaging strangers in conversation and the only way I seem to be able to "flex" my conversational charm is with server's, convenience store cashier's, and the folks at the liquor store.  (Sheath your judgment.)


But I gotta get this out first...

I'll try and not refer to them as: "Meatballs" (the High School knuckleheads who hog the equipment and tend to camp out on a bench while talking about whatever it is they talk about.  One of them looks like a 'roided up Slytherin.) "Tiny Bulls" (They are there to take ALL THE CLASSES!!!), "Know-it-alls" (They comment, stare judgmentally, and "help" people without being asked.  They're gym rats...but total butt-inskis.  The asshat in question started wearing Veebs recently...sucka.), "Barbies" (Do I need to explain this?), the "Stinky Big Bear" (Look.  He's like 8 ft tall and has the WORST B.O.), The "Nickname Redacted Because It's Really Cruel" (This is the gay man who I've busted checking me out on multiple occasions.  And I don't.  Like it. At. The. Gym.  It's a local gym, yo.  Not a chain-y meat market.  He too, has started to wear Veebs.)  "Willem Dafoe" (He's frightening...and he looks like Willem Dafoe.)...and "The Grumpy Old Man"...guess what he looks like?

Like this, only with a silver flat-top and wearing a sleeveless "6-1-2" t-shirt.  Usually hogging the tricep pressdown machine.

Unfortunately for me, I don't think I'll be able to shake this one either.  I've tried to be more engaging with my fellow members...the dicey part is that most of those verbal interactions have been either in the sauna or steam room.  (With the former, I was always content to shut my mouth and watch my sweat dribbles form a rorschachian pattern on the wood planks) 

Awwwwwkward.

Love your Locavore

This year, I'm going to make every concerted effort to shop/eat/support locally.  I plan on doing much of this *in* concert with my frugal couponing self, but as a member of my local co-op and seasonal gardener in fair standing I feel the need to do my small part to support the local economy while simultaneously reaping the healthy benefits*.  (Am I that transparent?  This trend of combining tandem actions/activities to maximize my personal benefits?  Fundraising for a cause so long as it's a footrace?  Healthy eating by shopping locally and growing my own food?  Cripes, even my workouts are combined to save time and maximize intensity.  I'll be buying chickens and goats for "pets" next...do chickens cuddle?  They can cuddle, right?)

My other plan is pretty simple- try and stop eating shit that comes out of boxes and physically "cook" more.  I'm really, really trying to steer my kvetching away from workouts and body issues.  But in 2012 (my lovely year of fartistic fulfillment) I found myself slowly moving away from several "balancing" activities that always made me feel...like me.  And one of those was cooking with/for buddies.  (As an actron with a day job, you find your time between work and rehearsal to be limited.  Enter Chinese take-out 3 days a week or the "Super America" diet.  I'm guilty.  And I own that too.  A waste of money.  And a new- larger- waist.)  It sucks, because I fancy exercise and eating nutritiously as I can.  But it's just been the easiest route for me to polish off an entire box of buffalo veggie nugs for lunch or grab Chipotle- all while pretending that while it isn't eating "meat" per se, I was still eating healthy.   And then I went to get a physical after the 1st of the year, and got some more or less alarming news and stopped with the self-fakery.  I was eating a lot.  I was eating out a lot.  And during the entirety of 2012, I could probably count on both hands the number of times I actually prepared and enjoyed a meal at home.  From a recipe.  And ingredients.

I dunno.  The bottom line/new mantra is something I cribbed from Jack LaLanne:  "If a person made it, don't eat it".  I think it's time to get back in touch with that.  And starting tonight, I'm making Pad Thai.**  And if the Gods favor my attempt at restraint, I'll have "1 Portion" and bag up the rest for later.  (Versus my manly attempts at inhaling the contents of the wok with my manlier mantra of "F#CK LEFTOVERS"!  I thought it catchy at the time.)

So  if you're not a super-fan of Facebook photos of food -  (Or you're not into non-food/review-y people writing/posting about it.) tough hop.  It coming...

*Sad factoid the 1st- I went to the Farmer's Market in 2012 once.  In Saint Paul.  As a Nordeast cheerleader, I should be run out of town on a rail.  At the very least, my soul needs a veggie Mo-Mo from the Mill City Market to keep moving forward in life.
**Sad factoid the second-  In doing my inventory to confirm the non-produce related ingredients, I was chagrined to discover that almost all of it- Pressed peanut oil, blue agave necter, gluten-free soy sauce?  Yeah...it was all past the expiration date.  Pad Thai used to be made at my place at least 2-3 x's a year when it was cooked at my place.  I don't think I've given the wok a workout since 2011.  That makes the baby Jesus cry.

ps-  If the theater and scheduling Gods favor me, I'll have time in the Spring to be more dilligent with my garden.  Last years harvest- outside of banana and jalapeno peppers?  Was deplorable.  I could have cried.  Actually I did.  After cutting the peppers and accidentally rubbing my eyes.

pps- I'll welcome any and all suggestions as to what I should plant in 2013, which will mark my 6th year of home-gardening.  Something I never thought I'd do originally.  It's fun.

pps- If you don't provide suggestions, I will post semi or completely naked pictures here.  Of me.  C'mon.  Nobody wants that.  Nooooobody.


 

Do not inappropriately touch the inner-child...

A few days ago, the satellite radio at the gym went on a KILLER nostalgia bent.  "Physical" by ONJ, "The Tide is High" by...whoever those weirdos were, "Maneater" by Hall and Oates, "I'm Free" by Loggins (on my running mix, btw.), some Mike and the Mechanics, "Human Nature" by MJ...I mean these were killer jams that reminded me of Skateland circa 1982-1986.

Skateland, in good old BP.  Home of numerous Panda Parties.  Snowball dances that left me sadly playing "Joust" in the arcade while couples awkwardly skated face to face (and backwards!!!) while strains of Juice Newton or whatever passed for sexy music for the pre-teen set.  I'd fill my face with licorice and fountain 7-Up in a wax cup and even though I was in Hockey, I had to be one of the s#ittiest roller skaters on the planet.  Really.  The number of tailbone and wrist injuries I endured, not to mention the embarrassment while the skate attendent with the red pinney and acne skated out to be your skate floor savior was seemingly endless.  I don't know what was worse- Biffing while attempting to skate backwards to impress Wendy S. who was already side-by-side handhold skating (FOUL!  There was NO slow song playing!) with the kid who wore the parachute material sleeveless t-shirt and had a rat tail, or having to be slowly escorted crossways off the rink in the arms of a teenager who smelled vaguely of Old Spice and beef jerky while stifling back tears.

What I'm saying is, the fat kid in the Bill the Cat t-shirt was definitely staring down a future high score in "Rampage" versus an eventual peck on the cheek by a nameless crush while they waited for their parents to show up in their wood-paneled Pinto's to take them home by 8.  I'm not sad or bitter.  It's reality.  And I own the crap out of it.

My point.  Sideways, but my point:

Remember how excited I was to finally have hit up the local water slide park in Nordeast?  It was magical.  In fact, it was one of 2 water park visits I made last year and both were so much ridiculous fun that I was almost kicking myself for not having done it sooner.  It got me thinking outwardly about other things I've been stalling on over the last few years.   I haven't gone ice-skating since 1992, and we're all aware of the old story about me selling my hockey gear at Play it Again for college text book mon...LIES!  Beer money.

And there are trampoline parks.  And climbing towers...CLIMBING towers. I had forgotten how fun and terrifying they were at Summer Camp.  And water parks out of state!  And I have a DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!

And oh...yeah...there are still skate parks.  And I have a feeling that 2013 should be the year that I take a date...or even a group...and conquer my fear of the dreaded roller skate. */**

*I'm pretty sure if I fail, I'll still have a bang up time trying to high-score Moon Patrol.
**I'm defnitely wearing knee-pads, wrist protectors...hell.  I'll probably have to go back to Play It Again for my old hockey gear.

(ps- Anyone else think that Heather Graham couldn't possibly have been as stone cold foxy as she was in "Boogie Nights"?  Didn't think so.)

People forget Axl Rose was kind of right...

I have self-diagnosed myself without the benefit of a professional or Web MD with having "Selective Patience".  Do you have it too? 

I'm patient with about 80% of my life, except when I get behind the wheel of my car.  And then I turn into Goofy in that s#itty instructional movie we watched in driver's ed.  Every other driver...and possibly you...irritates me to a jaw-grindingly awful level.  And I'm right.  I recently had a conversation with someone and it went like this:

"I don't get frustrated at other driver's.  I pay attention to how I'm driving and drive safely".  (Insert "smug" sound in their voice.  It actually wasn't there, but if you imagine it...you can imagine my chagrin.)

No.  You're driving like a ray-ray. By not allowing yourself to be cognizent of everyone else out there, you invariably drive poorly.  And recently, I've noticed there are a metric ton of entitled wank-pants out there.  And it's winter.  In Minnesota.  Which exacerbates poor driving behaviors tenfold.

I literally have the shortest vehicular commute of nearly anyone I know.  In fact, my commute to high school was longer.  And even though it's barely 2 miles from my front door to my office?  I still can find a$$holes to get abraded by at 6 am.  (I'm talking to YOU, A-hole in the turquoise Cavalier that DOES NOT use their turn signal...consistently drives 25 in the 45 MPH ZONE, and takes wide left-turns starting almost a half-block back from your parking lot. 

Anyway.  This is going to be tougher than I thought.  I don't anticipate this will go past next week.

Cat Sat

If you've followed this blog with any infrequency, you know that I loooove aminals.  My druther's have typically leaned toward cats (as they were the pet of choice in previous relationships) and mid-to-large sized dogs, as they're usually amenable to play without the threat of tiny-dog smooshing under foot or tripping my primal rage factor with their yippy-yap.

After the loss of my roommate's (and mine by proxy...I guess?) kitteh, the noble Georgie- we've refrained from physically owning a pet since late 2010.  And, and this is about as honest as I'll get here on this blaug, I think that the stillness/lack of activity/lack of singing to the pet/lack of something to care for has had a palpable affect on my home.  Not a hugely depressive fug.  More like a petless ennui. 

Regular readers will also know that I've taken responsibility for dog-sitting my BFF's baby Deuce.   I'm DWD (Down with Dogsitting) Deuce in particular, because the dog is supremely chill.  And yes, if you're reading into it- I probably won't dogsit your puppies at my casa since there is really no way they can compare to Mr. Grumbles.  He's just. That. Perfect.

Readers also may remember our 3 day fiasco with attempting to foster kittehs, of which they went back to the owner, and then we were told we'd get them again, and then we wouldn't get them again, and then I sort of put my foot down and said that the energy I was putting into "will they come or won't they come" was too much, and if it was a "sure thing" then I'd be fine with pet-fostering.  I'm fine with it, but it tests my selective impatience and altruism equally.

Without getting into detail, a family member of my roommate had some health issues that necessitated a move into a place that would be able to provide better care/comfort on an ongoing basis while they recuperated and adjusted to (mild) assisted living.  He (the roommate) has been spending considerable personal time being their for her, and it should be noted and commended that it was through this kindness we came to be in possession of Fat Harvey D'Arcy. 

And it should be here that you've already figured out the following:  It was to be a temporary housing for him until she moved in and then we'd (keep) him on an ongoing basis for however long it took.  For my part, opening my house to her beloved pet/child was the least I could do.  And so we found ourselves with cat- albeit a very, very large cat last December.  And after about a month of getting to know him, helping him "work out" and diet, breaking out the lint brushes that found their way to the back of the linen closet, singing to the cat, and feeling the familiar (very very heavy) weight as he jumped into bed- I was mildly smitten.

As much as I assured the roommate that Geor---whoops (I do that a lot) Harvey can stay as long as he wants- and if his cousin wasn't able to care for him we could take over duties?  The roommate was mildly steadfast in his assertion that he would definitely be going back because he was basically like her kid.  (He told me that her 1st words while driving her to her 1st night in her new digs were "When is Harvey coming back?") 

And so- long story short:  After a run of loving up what amounts to a purring, wheezy, moody, furry spiral-baked ham, he will be going home to be with his owner.  And while my dark clothes are grateful, I think there'll be a large fuzzy ham shaped void in our home as we muster through the rest of winter. 

Au Revoir, Mssr. D'Arcy.  It's been fun while we had you.

(PS- To my BFF A.L. ?  Yes, I'll be able to dog sit again.  You're welcome.)

Coo-pawn...Q-Pon...what?

True story-

When I first started working at my first permanent job in almost 3 years, I thought- honestly thought- that I'd shot myself in the foot and would be fired within the first 2 weeks.  (Please note, I'm still here.  And after hanging so long in the temp pool, you kind of build up an ongoing feeling that the other shoe'll drop and you'll be unemployed any given day.  It's greeeeeat for the soul.)

I was dropping off some paperwork to fax my main office in Vegas in our HR office, and as I walked around the corner our friendly HR staffer looked up in surprise and (a little) shock.  It was the lunch hour, as was now, and they were hunched over their desk pouring over a Trapper Keeper sized folder- wait- COFFEE TABLE book-sized folder and piled high over her desk were Val-Pak folders, clipped coupons, and those "junk mail" looking $mart $ource rags while she was wielding a pair of scissors like a samurai and with the other hand sliding the latest clipping into a plastic pocket in the middle of the page.

"Old" Mikey, would have maybe snarked or laughed (loudly) or joked or looked around at other co-workers for some form of thumb-jerking and eye-rolling validation.  As I was new and (hopefully) wiser I said  that I could come back later.  The conversation- which was casual and more friendly than any previous HR encounter- revolved around her own form of "Extreme" couponing.  With 2 young kids and a 3rd on the way, she figured she was improving her savings upwards of $400 or more a month.  AND (as if my own tamped-down snark needed more tamping) her HUSBAND had already spent a great deal of time teasing her, until she made a practical compromise:  He could get out to do his (hunting/fishing etc.) and she wouldn't complain since the savings helped recoup the costs he incurred. 

I kind of understand the logic, but I mostly dug the give and take.

I'm a lackadaisical coupon-er, and while I think Groupon/Living Social/Yipit et.al is keen (The Underpants Run cost was halved as a result of Groupon.) they're still designed mainly for things you want versus things I actually need.  (Although it's saved my ass when it comes to saving money on sexy dinner night's out.  And I got a great pair of minimalist kicks, to boot.)  My normal justification was that I have such a boring and regimented diet that the items I usually get aren't usually covered by coupon specials- HOWEVER when I've found myself (since starting a few weeks ago) saving on average $7-$20?  Well it seems like the little things I should have been doing ages ago add up, dummy.

And for FOOK'S SAKE!   Do you have any IDEA how EXPENSIVE frozen fruit is?  I have this high-falutin desire in the interest of being healthy/losing weight/controlling my body-sauce levels to start making protein fruit smoothies, and as I'm meandering down the frozen aisle I thought they mis-printed the price code.  $13.88 for a 2 lb bag?

You know damn right I'm using my bi-weekly coupon book.  Now if you'll excuse me, Barilla pasta is on sale 10 boxes for $10, fools!

Can I start a Kickstarter travel campaign, too?

I was mulling the other day on my break over deep things...such as "What I'm going to type here for my January resolutions" when I had an Epi-Fanny.  (Anyone else pronounce epiphany that way?  It's fun!)

I have not had a proper vacation...like, get on a plane and go somewhere proper, in a long time.  Since early 2008 by my reckoning.  I mean, I've gone camping up North.  I was sent to Vegas for work when I first started here.  And hell, my best friend invited me to visit San Jose Del Cabo last Spring for the cost of airfare with a place to stay on the beach and everything.  (Until I did my taxes.  And Mr. Tax Man was all like "Give me yo' money!" and I was all like "Ha ha, Mr. Tax Man.  That's very fun--LOOK!  A TIE FIGHTER!!!"  and ran away.  Crying into my life.)

And yeah, it's been a tight few years if I hadn't mentioned that ad nauseum.  Job loss which meant temp jobs and income were never steady.  Dad loss which meant being depressed and self-anesthest---self-medi--- day-drinking when there was no work which in turn meant I didn't really want to go anywhere.  And then debt that was tickling my scrotum with no hope of diminishing.  And it sucked.  It was like an ongoing break-up that your partner instigated and you didn't see coming.   Except substitute "(your partner's name)" with "Travel".  "Don't go, Travel!  DON'T YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.  IF I GET PREGNANT WILL YOU STAY WITH ME AND GET MARRIED WHEN WE'RE 20!?!?!"

Seriously.  I love the shit out of travelling.  And I don't even think I've escaped the state of Minny for leisure in over 4 years?  That...that feels almost criminal.  I mean, if I love it so much why in the name of delicious tacos am I not doing it? 

And so...I plan...to get the frack out of town in 2013.  Even if it's to Wisconsin.  Wisconsin, people.  That should give you every indication as to how Mother Hubbardly serious I am.

I'm just one man, 2013...

I'm not terribly political.  I don't like shouting.  And I think the reason behind my own personal inability to attempt to raise funds, go door-to-door for a cause, etc. stems from being either (A) A Cub Scout and expected to go door-to-door to sell M and M's or Christmas Wreath's---effectively asking my father to bring the sign-up sheet to work so that I didn't have to brave the cold or Minnesota discomfort of soliciting strangers and (B) the same thing I did when we were expected to sell candy bars for hockey.  Which didn't end very well, as I would find the requisite $.50 from either my allowance, couch cushions, under car seats, and on my mom's dresser that was needed to empty out ALL THE BARS!  (And that ended well.  I mean, f#ck.  When I say I was a pudgy kid?  Maybe if I wasn't hogging through the Almond Joy knock-offs)

I'm also kind of poor, and usually very busy with work/theater/family...so donating my own time can be mildly problematic.  And let's be fair, I cherish my quiet downtime if/when I get it.  Call it lazy.  I call it vital to my mental health.  I admire the hell out of the go-getters, the fiery, the repeaters (My buddy Dawn has kayaked the Mississippi for the last 4-5 years now to clean up the river.  And you know I'll throw her and her man some $ for that.)  the passionate, the one's who take up a cause with such fervor that...well, it borders flat-out envy.  So I give when I can.  Shoes.  I've been trying to give a toy a year to Toys-For-Tots.  Allowed myself to become heartbroken when the seedy underbelly of certain worthy causes is exposed showing off a prejudice or five. 

Anyway...living in the age of social media has made being a social crusader much easier.  Give to the Max Day, Kickstarter (I don't suppose my long gestating idea of starting a Kickstarter to re-hab and fix my bathroom is going to get off the ground?  Too George Costanza-ish?)...anyone who can attach a link can let you know their cause from the safety and comfort of their FB page...

What's cooler than that?  Is when the events that help raise funds align Beeeee-yootifully with my own.  (More on that in a second.)   So this year?  I'm going to be mixing my resolutions a little (again) of saving money on things (like not participating in a ton of races) with my ongoing desire to be more dedicated toward causes that I feel I can contribute to.  Even if it's just my legs (ala "The Big Gay Run" last Fall) and my voice (I'm loud).  Soooooo...

I've two races planned this year that will be designed specifically toward raising funds for (brain tumors in children and MS) respectively.  The first of these nonsensical ventures (more on the "nonsensical" part in a second) will be the Cupid Undie Run- Minneapolis!  On February 9th, I'll be running 1.5 miles in the bitter, bitter cold to raise funds for the Children's Tumor Foundation.  If you can, please consider donating to either me individually or to my team- "No Mas Pantalones".  I want you to think about this before you consider donating and (hopefully) spectate.   1,000's of people... men and women...in their underwear...running...jiggling...bouncing...this is no joke people.  And C'mon.  I bought socks with banana's on it.  Banana's.  Because symbolically, a peeled banana is analogous to aaaaaa DONATION!!!!  ZING!!!

The next one...Gods help me...is probably going to be returning to the cess pool which is dirty obstacle races...yes.  I'll be doing the Mud Run...or Muck Ruckus or whatever the f#ck that awful race is called.   And as my big brother has been bitten by the obstacle run bug...I'm gonna see if I can get him to do it with me.

And of course, if I do other forms of charitable activities this year it's a good chance I'll really want to write about it.  Here.  Or not..because I like the idea of being quietly generous.  I just wish I had more moolah to do so.

Sweet Dreams, baby...

One of my revolutions for 2013 is a slight holdover from 2012 and previous years.  In case you haven't read the gazillion articles out in the webisphere on the benefits of a good night sleep, you can check one out here.

The newest one that I hadn't really read up on, is how getting a full 8-hours is supremely beneficial for dudes who are active/working out, as it is the prime time for restoring testosterone.  (Check out the importance of natural testosterone and the effects here.  Check out the importance of replenishing during sleep here.  It has a lot more to do with man-boner's, but still an interesting read.)

Since I only have a "this is what worked for me" background I'll advise what I've done over the last few years to help me out.  (Barring that there are people in the world with enormous sleep issues that aren't environmentally related.  These were all changes I was able to make by exercising restraint that helped...A lot.)  I was a miserable insomniatic.  I snored.  Ground me toofs.  Flailed and punched.  And 50% of my week  I would usually get up like clockwork between 2-4 a.m. and pace, go online, read on the tasteful Gabberts sofa downstairs, and lay around in that passive, cloudy fug that means you periodically look over at your clock and watch the digital read-out tick by the hours while floomfing your pillow over and over hoping the "cool side" will guide you to slumber.  (I refuse to use my phone as my clock.  You might as well be activating a flood light in the face as soon as you turn it on.  NOT WORTH THE RETINAL BURN!)

And of course- the magazine and news articles were right.  Genetics notwithstanding (apnea, teeth grinding, and LOUD snoring have always been a part of my family) I was chemically assisting my waking and sleeping without giving it any thought. I had incorrectly assumed being active would arbitrarily lead me to better sleep.  However:
- I was waking up in a fug, and using caffeine to "push" me through the work day.
- After work, I was usually cocktailing.  (With the mixer usually being Diet Coke. And even quitting that...)
- I was still usually having a couple of post-work loosen-up cocktails or beers before bed.
- I HAD to check my business online.

Soooooo...
1) I cut back, way back on caffeine.  I figured I spent the morning naturally "waking up" and it wasn't until the afternoon that I'd start crashing.   So I won't have my 1st cup until mid-morning instead of 1st thing and my 2nd cup a bit after lunch- usually using it to help my post-work workout at the gym.

2) Cut the liquor.  (I'm actually doing the red wine and it's only occasionally muffed up my evening.  A huge improvement from 2-3 years ago.)

And new for 2013:

3) Weekends have always been for sleeping in and enjoying my coffee maker.  I spent a couple of "normal" mornings where I just didn't bother with it and got up and out with my day.  And I. Felt. Fantastic.  (One of them was after my birthday, where I stayed up until 3am.  I had the most luxxxxurious nap the day after.  And naps have always been fitful frustrating things for me at best.)

4) Shut down the computer at least 30-60 minutes before bed, get back into books.

5) Full glass of water right before bed.

6) No more energy drinks.  (This'll be hard, but I've noticed that it really- really messes up my stomach.)

7) Make a point to get at least 8 hours of sleep nightly.  Like, priority sleep. 

Go Go Gadget sleep!

Happy New Year! Oh Hai!

Happy New Year from the Happy Christmas Baby. 

I am a terrible, terrible blogger.  April, 2012 was my last post?  After having said "I'm going to blog more in 2012!"  Well...effed up that resolution toute suite, didn't we?   I'm sorry, Frodo...I was delayed.  A lot.
So here's the quick re-crap (I crap you not) of 2012 (Since end-of-year lists should not be compiled until the end of the year!!!  How do you KNOW some unbelievable s#it won't go down before midnight 12/31? !?!.):
From my vantagepoint, the biggest events of 2012 that weren't mired in tragedy would be the Minnesotan's chose to vote "No" twice.  They voted with their hearts and heads in place, and we proved that we can be a loving and progressive state that will not stand on any form of discrimination.  They voted on what was right.  And the world didn't end at midnight after the election.  Funny, that. 

For me personally I think 2012 will be remembered as a year of tremendous artistic fulfillment.  I was thrilled and humbled by having 6 solid months of soul (and occasionally pocket-book) filling theater/commercial work.  I don't think I've had that type of steady-flow work in theater in a long time, and I can't impart how wonderful it felt.  (On the flip side?  I'm available.  Call me.  I'm good.) 
There was also quite a lot of stress, loss, struggle, and a smidgen of hindsighted regret born of not having a better way of planning.  It was tough around tax-time from that thing that was my own damn fault (read your W4's, is all I'm saying about that), and there were a few of those burdens that pop up from time to time (car accidents, what?  Mom's basement flooded huh?  The election year SHOUTING at you for months, as well as the ignorant and beligerant diviseness that was created after so many national tragedies...well that shit stressed me OUT and gave me high blood pressure and heartburn.)

But I did my best to stay positive (which, okay, doesn't volunteer me at a soup kitchen- but kept me from drowning in what I can't control.  Something tough when you're starting a year as a single man living paycheck-to-paycheck.), and I although don't keep my resolutions posted on the fridge by way of a reminder- I remembered that I felt it was important to keep breathing, keep moving forward, and ride the waves.  Which I did. (Thanks, Dad.)  And I was fortunate enough to still have my family there, my old and dear friends, and find some new friends that I will always respect and cherish for having gotten to know this last year.  I've heard some negative comments about 2012, and I respect and understand how it was difficult for many.  But for me?  At least socially?  I felt like I'd won a contest.

Mostly, I'm grateful for 12 months of gainful and benefitted employment.  Friends, Lemme tell you...late 2008 through mid-2011 was kind of a blur of anxiety, hyper-insecurity, loss, belittlement in the workplace, s#itty contract and temp gigs that treated you like a piece of crap (something I so wish were cliche as to being hyperbolic...but it wasn't.), drinking, increasing personal debt, health scares, apathy, and entirely mistreating my personal health and wellness.   It wasn't until (knocking on wood) I was welcomed into my company that I found a place I could breathe.  Even after a start of the year (and subsequent 9 months) of some fear/uncertainty that my position may have been eliminated, I was commended for perservering and eventually rewarded with additional tasks/responsibilities and a voice to aid in the direction of my team.  I have a CEO that sends out emails to the company that advise they should see a show I'm in.  A boss that trusts me from across the country.  Some travel.   Grand flexibility.  Occasional hugs.  And autonomy.  AND close distance to my home.  Which brings me to...

2013 GOOOOOALS!!!-

I'm going to try and write more.  Here.  At home.  Sharpen up a bit.  As a way to keep me at it, I'll be posting my resolution-y looking things on Facebook with the accompanying link back here for any and all interested parties.  There'll be more stuff.  Pictures.  Frassin.  Pet pictures.  Observational kerfluffles.  Karate/running/outdoorsey shenanigans.  Cooking.  Home projects.  Gardening.  And who knows.  Maybe I'll repeat a 2012 goal and get back to the Jim Lupient Water Park...which is AWESOME! 
Happy New Year, friends.  Tune in tomorrow for another edition.  Don't read any old articles, lest you get skeered oft.  (Seriously?  I think at least 57% of past posts revolved around memes.  Or eaters/drinkers guilt.)

ps- The best movie of the year, without argument or question because it's correct:  "The Avengers".

No worries...curry?

Do you know what I love? Chinese take-out. Lots.

While mired in work, race-training, karate, and rehearsals- dinner is usually me scarfing "fake meat" in the form of veggie buffalo nugs or Morningstar (veggie) turkey burgers? When I'm feeling rushed or have the jones, I'm a cheap take-out whore. It's gotten to the point where, I believe I've mentioned, the guys at Great Dragon know me. (They never ask for my name/number, because clearly I'm the only asshole who orders the mock-duck or spicy garlic broccoli. Oh, and once they had to apologize up and down when they were out of Mock Duck. "You're a Chinese restaurant, man. Who ELSE here eats mock duck- and if it's only been me? How much have I eaten?!?! Don't answer that.")

What I hate (#1) is that I'm so addicted to the take-out. I should (reasonably) be able to make something like that at home for Pete's sake...and I used to cook all the time. And #2- while the food is good and marginally healthy? They put s#it in it that I cannot stand. Namely? Baby corn and mushrooms. (Shudders) If they could only just make it with the "good" stuff (namely- everything except the aforementioned demon bits) then I'd probably marry it. So for the last couple of weeks/months I've been thinking about just making my own at home, except with the things in it I like. (And before you frass- no, I can't have them substitute it or have them make it without the demon bits. I'm not that fussy and can pick around it. SHIVERS!!!)

It's been an age since I've actually cooked/crafted something from scratch, and lest I get rusty and forget the difference between a zester and lemon-press- I knew it was important to put on my big-kid apron and get cooking stat.

Something... other than pasta or chili that sits in the tupperware while I demolish it over the work week, or making something on the grill (Which is fairly elementary. Turn on fire. Drop food on fire. Try not to burn). I wanted to create. I wanted to engage in some mad-scientist cooking shenanigans based solely on what ingredients I had around. Fortunately for me, that meant I had a wealth of veggies leftover from the weekend that fit my ideal of what would make for a "good stir-fry". Moreover? I had the spices/sauces to put together what (in my mind) was going to be a kick-ass curry dish.

As some of my more long-term readers will attest, my "experiments" usually (always) fall weeeell short of how I envision they'll turn out in my brain-movie. Hello. I have become my father.

That's not to say it was an epic failure, but I started making some errors the moment I exited the co-op. I'm blaming the fact that I was just done with my workout, was peckish and therefore running on empty- and even though the co-op is small- it was distracting last night.

THE ORIGINAL IDEA:
Curried vegetables with tofu over jasmine rice.
WHAT I HAD:
Red potatoes, garlic, red bell peppers, spinach, zucchini, tomato, coconut milk, curry paste (and a slew of various curries and spices)
WHAT I NEEDED:
Extra-firm tofu, broccoli, and ginger

HOW I MANAGED TO COCK IT UP:
Apparently I suffered a minor stroke in the produce aisle. I grabbed the ginger, which was really the only thing I remembered. Then I grabbed another Zuke (what?) and some green onion/scallions (my zig-zaggy brain was thinking about making quinoa w/garlic and black beans this weekend). Then I passed over the tofu completely in order to sample some cheese. That was some great cheese! So I doubled back to the produce aisle...feeling like I was forgetting something, but then tossing the sharp goats-milk cheddar in my basket.

Circling the store, I was further buffaloed by their deli selection...Sallying forth only when I mentally made the committment to "making" my dinner versus something pre-packaged...and I still managed to toss the chickpeas w/garlic and spinach in my basket. Leave me alone...I WAS STARVING!!!

Getting home, setting everything out, stepping back, putting my hands on my hips...I started cussing up a blue streak when I realized what I'd forgotten. I stopped long enough only to fuel the fire by imagining the looks from the hippy cashiers as they mutter under their breath "Forgot something the 1st time...eh?" with a little chuckle. Which, in turn, would launch me across the register in an apocolyptic rage and throttle them by their hemp necklace and knit yarn-beanie until the beat me down with sacks of wheat germ.

I was not starting in a happy place. (And the f#ck all thing was that this was the kind of s#it I'd do when Moda and I cooked together. FYI? There IS in fact a huge difference between Kosher Salt and Sea Salt. Not that I'd know. It's on the internet somewhere. So it must be true. Grumble-frass)

Eventually, I talked myself out of going back to the co-op. I knew I didn't really need the tofu per se, and had enough veggies that procuring broccoli was a little moot. So, I started by getting to the chopper and prepping the garlic and ginger. (And here, I will provide photos and instructional commentary. Enjoy)



Sous-Cheffin'. Peel and grate the ginger and peel/finely chop 4 cloves of garlic. Place in an oversized wok (the two-hander procured from Ikea. It...uh...had some dust in it, if that gives you an indication of the last time I used it.) Adding a couple Tbsps of olive oil, sautee the garlic and ginger on low heat while choppa-choppa'ing the rest of your veggies. (De-seed the tomato as well)


I added the potatoes to saute'/soften 1st. It was a cheat, but I had nearly an entire bag of pre-cooked/sliced red tomatoes. I ain't too proud. At this point, I started cheese nibblin'. Sue me. I was multi-tasking (i.e. checking the internet, throwing my dirty gym clothes in the laundry, dog-proofing my bed and couches) before I realized that I should, in fact, babysit the burner...as the ginger/garlic was starting to burn a little. It was also here that I figured that I would be the only one eating it...so f#ck it.


I also tossed in sprinkles of tumeric, vindaloo seasoning, salt, pepper, and hot curry powder to taste.

Step 2, I tossed in the remaining veggies (along with some snap peas for snap) and let them go for a few minutes before emptying the lite coconut milk over the mess and pushing it around for consistency. (Stirring It's called stirring I guess?)

Step 3- toss in the stuff that's most likely to get "wilty" last. There's really no science here. At this point I wondered why I wasn't drinking wine. Then I saw I had that chickpea deli salad? And tossed it riiiight the f#ck in there. Also, I noticed after dropping a dollop of green curry paste in the mix that I had splashed the sauce all down the front of my pants/t-shirt. I considered stripping down and wearing naught but an apron and then taking cheesecake photos. I then remembered that I'd personally make fun of ANYone doing that very same thing if they were sober. AND realized I was sober. AND?!?! Who the hell would I send it to? My family? Weeeeird.

AND AND?!?!? Knowing my luck so far? AL would show up with the dog about the same time I was standing in front of the mirror taking pictures bare-assed and be-apron'ed. No good. Try and make good decisions, friends. At the very least, one's that you won't be embarrassed about later.

Having forgot the jasmine rice, I did manage to rustle up some microwaveable brown rice which I dumped the whole mix on top of. AL did manage to show up 30 minutes early (thankfully after I'd cleaned up) and made the initial comment of "Is there any MEAT in it?" When I responded in the negative, he performed an about face and ran down to Holy Land for some protein. Okay.

He did eventually try some and proclaimed it as "killin'" which surprised the nuts off of me since I figured he'd immediately hate the hell out of it. And even after trying it myself, I was happy enough that it was palatable, and made enough to power me through the week.

Bottom line? Next time? I'm writing my ingredients list in advance. This improv was definitely not funny, but at least it was not painful either.

Lucky me...
:(

The results are in!

I'm about to tell you a tale of the results of that 2012 Fitness Challenge I frassed about at the start of the year, here. For my friends who were really hoping the blog would be more "cat-centric", I'm sorry to report the kitties had to go back to their "real" dad. Also, for the visually stimulated among the lot of you- I apologize for no before or after pictures. My genial narcissism is tempered by my own self-consciousness/loathing...and dislike of topless photo's/photo's in general of myself. While I promise to keep this more factual than nauseatingly self-deprecating...I just think it'll be funnier if I tell it to you in...my own voice...Mostly, if you're interested in how the regime actually worked out for me.

Pictured: How I look at the end of a treadmill workout as I hang from the handrails- grimacing like I'm constipated and complete with a tubful of sweat, claws, and easily groomable body-hair.

Yesterday I was standing on the landing by the front door and rocking my winter running "costume" when I had an epiphany: While it is February...and stupidly balmy for MN...and there was really no reason I shouldn't go for a run...I actually said:

Fuuuuuck this.

And then I stripped out of my layers and crawled into bed for a power-nap. Do you know why? Because I was tired, and refused to feel guilty. And January is over, sucka's.

Not to put a fine a point on it- Le results, for the numerically saavy: (January 2012)

Total Workouts (Running/Weights/Karate): 37
Total Hours: 25
Total Miles: 80
Total Calories burned (est): 15,000

Height: 5' 10"
Weight: (pre) 183 (post) 180
(Note: Several of the workouts were doubled up and factually I worked out about 70% of January. Also, I don't log my "wake-up" routine of stretching/core work/upper body awakening. Or as Mr. McConnaughey sez: "Push-ups n' Sit-up's...all right all right all right")

So what did I learn? What was I hoping to gain from this? Going in, I was excited at the prospect of adhering to a new routine and sticking to it. To "not" give lipservice to training and really work my nards off- celebrity/professional athlete style! I knew that I'd either have to spend a considerable amount of time doing it. (Indicating that I either was very dedicated, or had no life to speak of. And let me tell you, friends- It's hard not to think you're the latter versus the former) I partly believed that my body would have a quick-ish response to the training and the results would be -hopefully- immediate. True, I wasn't eliminating everything from my diet like some pre-contest bodybuilder or Spartan king.

Put the Merlot and Muenster Cheese down, motherf#cker...

I figured I had my calories measured so that I was maximizing my input/output necessary to facillitate my workouts and burn any other superfluous nonsense. My OTHER hope was to navigate down toward the 170's pound-age wise...but outside of a handful of times during a morning weigh-in I never dropped down there. Sure, I went down notch on my belt. And of COURSE the stupid fast twitch muscle fibers in my arms liked having a day all to themselves. And while it wasn't shapely and sculpted, whatever subsequent weight loss happened as a result of spending more time isolating my chest allowed me to make out the (hopefully benign) sebaceous cyst that's lived in the area around my sternum my whole life.

Cyst? What cyst? I can't find anything between these throw-pillows I call my chest.

Lastly? Man oh Man oh Man oh Man. I got soooooo fah-king tired. (occasionally) Trying to run at 5 then going to work at 6-7am then hitting the gym afterwards- OR going from the gym to karate to home again? (Karate "suffered" the most. I only wedged in 2 visits in January.) My ass felt like lead. And the soreness? In my muscles? Never really went away. There was always something new ripping and tearing and re-growing. My neck and back felt sledgehammered. (Which, if the article is to be believed, means I'm storing a shit ton of eeeevil on a cellular level...)

I started to get tired of the gross and sweaty laundry I was doing sometimes twice a week. The feeling like I had to bundle up for an outdoor run and the subsequent peeling off of clothes just because it was nice out. (Or because the cute couple I pass every morning that runs together made me feel guilty) The (sometimes) two showers a day. I ended up developing an unhealthy addiction to caffeine (natch) in order to push through the day which played hell with my tummy. And if I was going to a gig at the end of the day? I couldn't even nap because I was always exhausted AND wound up!

And in the end? I didn't even manage to do the 6 days on 1 off! Sometimes I'd give it a day, two days in between here and there. I literally could not even drag my butt out the front door or from work to the gym-And I brought my gym bag every single day. (To be fair, I convinced myself that they were getting grossly tired of seeing my face daily at the club) Finally, I reiterated this to myself. I thought: "This is why models and superstars are paid the big bucks. This is why bodybuilders & fitness enthusiasts get sponsers". And I didn't want to even be built like either.

I just wanted to try on something new for a bit and stick with it.

Without seeming like I'm grumbling too much: The original idea was, truly, to determine if that type of exercise was a good option for my overall wellness/strength. I think it was a good experiment, and like all workout kerfluffles in my life I'm keeping what was useful and discarding what isn't. The leg work alone made karate easier to recover from (and the karate has been helping my reflexes- I mean, in a useful way...I can't tell you how cool it is to be able to keep the bottle of Summit that you just accidentally tipped over from falling off the counter without spilling a drop.) Spending time focusing on one body-part does along (some) room for recovery and isn't forcing your body to over-tax. (And appear like an equipment hog)

And I still really like going to the gym. This much I'm fairly certain of. And making that and karate into second homes keeps me honest and out of trouble. Add to that, over the last 30 days or so I've spoken with people who are not only returning to the gym, but some just starting to discover their own path to health, weight-loss, wellness, etc. And as a motivator, that gets me jazzed to keep going as well. I might have been fibbing a bit when I said I'm dedicating the month of February to the couch (Although "Deadwood" is taking over my life). Sue me.

And I'll see y'all at the gym.

New Adventures Part Cat...Foster Care

I suppose this act could be construed as my eating crow amongst my friends. Michael says "Blah Blah I don't want/need a dog Blah Blah I don't want/need a new cat Blah". Pet sitting is pretty low-maintenance as long as the animal is chill, (ala' Deuce) and it affords me some quality animal time with the minimum of commitment (HELLO Telling Personal Character Trait!!! Ugh...). So I supposed it was naturally only a matter of time before we welcomed some form of filthy mongrel into our home for a longer period than a friend's vacation. And so today...Welcome to pet fostering!!! Say hello to...um...





Right. Puma and Cougar are a little bit shy.




Through the Jellybean's daughter, we ended up with a line on a pair of kitties that were needing a transitional home. She informed us that they were two boys, very low-key, and have been living alone while she visited them 2 x's a week for feeding/cleaning. After smoothing out the particulars, we agreed to take them on for the next few months. And so the last few weekends on the home front have been a flurry of activity. (The roommate, for those who know, spent about 28 hours over the course of two separate weekends laboriously cleaning his bedroom from top to bottom. For my part...I did some light vaccuuming/dusting and had a couple of beers.)

In case you're curious as to "how does it take that long to clean a room?"...let's just say I'm (slightly) certain he was trying to de-Georgeify the place- his concern being that since they are both male cats, they might get set off sniffing out another former kitty. (Albeit, one that hasn't been around in over 16 months) And that kiiinda was my concern as well, only not about the fact that there've been 2 different kitties in my house in my tenure. No, I was worried that the cats would become another casualty of their environment.

The 'Bean had a very specific and regimented way of caring for Georgie Cat. One that really didn't include catnip, treats (He kiboshed any treats, citing stomach issues) He'd stack boxes of kleenex set on top of high places to keep him from eating them...old plastic grocery bags kept locked away for the same reason. Very. Specific. So now, I made a point to tell him before they moved in that they were going to be our cats that we were fostering. And we would be sharing responsibility. Of that much, I actually put my foot down.

And so, without knowing what the hell they looked like...I came home last night to discover that there were two cats wedged beneath the fainting couch in the dining room. (One convalescing post-nut-snip-surgery) Cougar is the baby, at about 16-18 months. Puma is the shy guy with a squashy face and around 4 years or so.

And I hate their names. There, I said it. I don't care if they might be named after Big Cats...one sounds like the slang for an older woman on the prowl and the other is a lame Super-Villain...


My ability to bestow goofy nicknames notwithstanding, I'm going to need to have another sit-down with the Jellybean and see how flexible he could be with calling them something other than those heathen names. I made jokes about calling them "Arnold" and "Willis"...but it just doesn't fit. And the s#itty thing is that they're still pretty much hidden away so I don't know if they actually respond in some way to those names. Do I opt for witty and ironic? Weighty Historical names? Pop-Culture one-off's? Numbers? Something plain and easy...like "Barry" and "Carl"? "Frick and Frack"? This shit keeps me awake at night, people.

Regardless...I had a small victory early this morning while my roommate and I comically laid down on the floor in front of the divan to try coaxing them out. I managed to get Coug to come to me, and hold him, and give him his post-neutering prescription without a fuss. My roommie almost started crying. The second- smaller- victory is that even though Puma doesn't come out, he's got such a fat ass that it sticks out the corner of the couch. And so...I scratch it.

It's early. There've been no snuggles nor accidents. (My roommate moved just about everything that he assumed could be knocked over to the basement...this included my wine rack. I think another talk is in order. The basement is too far to go for Pinot Noir) Moreover and unfortunately, there'll be no pictures until they can drag their buns out for some quizzical exploration. I'm afraid you'll have to be happy with this...

And the fact that yes...I did procure a big old frassy bag of catnip and some Pounce...and those f#ckers love it. > : )

Reviews: "Cowboys Vs. Aliens" et.al.

Available on DVD/Netflix/Redbox


"Cowboys and Aliens" is what happens when you're about to tuck into a beautiful hot fudge sundae with ice cream only to discover that it's mashed potatoes/gravy/meatloaf...and someone emptied a salt shaker all over it. And I actually sat through it. Bite, by mouth numbingly terrible bite.

All the elements are in place. From the title, the director, the stars, the concept. But, and this is a pretty trivial quibble but I want you to know it's about as obvious as a bad work-print: There were, like, 50 writers credited on this movie. It got to the point that someone would throw out a completely wasted non-sequiter line and I'd turn to my friend and say "I wrote that one. Me." Except even with my terrible grasp of syntax/spelling etc. could have hatched a better fever dream than this dreck. And that's where I think I'll leave this review, with some parting wisdom: Here are some cardinal rules/sins/points of frass that I live by when it comes to watching/enjoying movies. I'm an awfully simple man with simple tastes (I own "Undercover Brother" for pities sake) and I'm also fairly forgiving as well. (I own the Star Wars Prequels, Wolverine, AND X-Men 3 for pities sake) And along with the old addage "Don't Bore Me" and "Don't Bait And Switch your Genre Movie" I'd like to add one that sounds like it was farted out by a matronly schoolteacher:

Don't waste all of that potential. I'm not mad. I'm just...disappointed.

Not quite a full "MacGruber" (0/5) but hangs out with "Green Lantern" (1.5/5)


(Quick bites! Smartly planned Moviethon Trifecta: "36th Chamber of Shaolin", "Lone Wolf & Cub", and "Kill Bill: Vol. 1/Vol. 2" All available on Netflix)

You ever take the time to stalk out the films where you hear s#it like "Such and Such is a GREAT film, but borrows heavily from 'Blah' and 'Blah de Blah'..." You know what I mean. Tarantino is shamelessly honest about it. Lucas is famously known for it. And this reinforces my old man's assertion that there are "No New Original Ideas In Hollywood". (An idea I don't really share, but I like bellowing his little idiom's from time to time)

Having seen both "Bill" movies and knowing the background/where he bogarted the ideas- you'd think I'd have seen some of the original source material that have been cited by the filmmaker previously. No so. As a matter of fact, my knowledge of old chop sockey Kung Fu and Samurai Films is fairly incomplete. And for good reason. Sure, I've seen quite a few: (My friend AL and I talked about how USA Network had their version of "Kung Fu Theater"- Which replaced the Horror Film block of time "Groovy Movies".) and I've seen every Bruce Lee and most early Jackie Chan...as well as their knock-offs. (In addition to some bloody, bloody Samurai films)

What I can say is that I've never went through the entire Shaw or Kurosawa filmography and haven't felt too terrible for having missed them. They all tend to blend homogenously together in my mind and in spite of popular cult followings, I wouldn't be able to tell one from another if I was paid to.

That said, I added "36th Chamber" and "Lone Wolf" after poking through a wiki article about "Kill Bill" and finally got around to watching them. As a back to back to back piece, it actually lends itself to an entertaining afternoon/evening of cinema. Truth.

"36th" (Gordon Liu's debut) is your typical "dude gets his village impinged on, goes to the kung fu temple to learn, learns, becomes the best, goes back to his village and kicks ass" kind of film that we've all seen before- With the exception that it was actually one of the first to use the formula. There are some awesome "HOOO BOY HELL YEAH" moments in it, specifically during his training through the chambers. HOWever, my own hubris was that subsequent movies that copy the formula have done it a lot better. The kung fu is painfully slow, the bloodletting is obnoxiously bright, and the repetitive nature can get a little boring. (There's only so many times you can watch someone try to run across logs to cross a body of water- then fall in- before it gets old)

That's not to say it's a bad movie. Rather silly if you think about it. (And probably better after a couple of shots or beers.) What IS interesting is seeing exactly HOW shameless QT was in stealing some of the cooler parts of "KB I & II" with their embryonic counterpart in "36th". (The training montage with Pei Mei, carrying the water, the 1-inch punch and body conditioning etc? All there.)

"Lone Wolf" (based on the Manga series of the same name) tells the story of a Shogunate executioner who was framed for a crime he didn't commit and, having been stripped of his post, goes wandering the countryside with his 3-year-old son Daigoro as an assassin for hire in order to reclaim vengeance on those who wronged them.

Okay, so it's a bit more complicated than that plot-wise. What you do get is about 85 minutes of tense action and some of the most unbelievably amazing sword fighting and displays of Japanese weaponry committed to film. The actor playing Lone Wolf/Itto barely registers an emotion for the entire film, only occasionally showing happy/sad (he usually wears a constipated grimace) and when he is finally goaded to action (either by circumstances or his own machinations) it is worth the time holding your breath leading up to it.

My only major gripes is that you can tell that it was part of a larger story ("Sword of Vengeance" is only one in a roughly 6 part film series) and my DVD had some sound/coloring issues. Worth noting are some of the special features which feature a preview for "Zatoichi the Outlaw"...by far the funniest 5 minute trailer that you've ever seen.) When you watch the sword work in "Lone Wolf", re-watch "KB: I" for the House of Blue Leaves fight or "KB: II" for the trailer fight scene. You'll get it. You'll get deja vu all over again.

So if you have an afternoon and evening to kill, you could do far worse than watching this film quadrology with friends.

2012 Fitness Regime!

Righto! Fourth-a, Fourth-a, Fourth-a January and it's about time to come clean with the new regime! I mentioned that I was going to try a few new things to shake up my aging carcass in terms of health/wellness and new things it shall be. (It's here that I feel it encumbent to point out that one of the many reasons I don't make the typical resolutions is that I feel fairly okay with the fact that I have exercised and ate right for the last several years. That's not a bragging point, mind. Clearly it's not turned me into an Adonis or challenged me in the way my running workouts have, you know?)

Anyway, we're breaking things down anew this year and as I pointed out earlier I've got a whole new bag of old-cheap moves to try out on myself in 2012. And it starts with chucking the current routine and embarking on something a little more ambitious than I've been accustomed to but hopefully (after a 1-2 month attempt) may start to prove results. And it actually starts by keeping the weight routine pretty simple by attacking the body 1 piece at a time.

(Routine bogarted from the December 2011 Muscle and Fitness)

The weight routine works similarly to a circuit routine, minus hitting all body parts during the same workout. For my part, I've been engaging in moderate (in both frequency and intensity) "super-sets" for the better part of the last 6-7 months. From a time-saving standpoint, it isn't really a bad workout and moreover it's great for being able to tax two contrasting muscle groups that work opposite each other for maximum affect. Problem is? I'm a little stuck right now.

So, the new work-out will be incorporating tenets of both bodybuilding and sports/strength-training by following a "6 on-1 off approach". (Focusing on working one body part, once a day, six-days in a row. The LEGS get special attention* with one light and lastly one heavy workout day before your final day of rest.) This goes on for 3-4 weeks before a rest week and the resuming. If I'm not feeling peachy or I don't look dead-nasty sexy with my clothes off (or have dropped 10-15 consistent pounds. I'll take either) Then I'll shuck it and look into a new routine. I might even try throwing in the occasional "century"** workout too.

In short:
Sun- Arms (Bicep/Tricep/Forearm)
Mon- Off
Tues- Legs (light)
Wed- Moobs (Chest)
Thurs- Back
Fri- Shoulders
Sats- Legs (heavy)***

Ambitious? Yes! However I've a bit of free time for the next...for a bit, and if I can continue this sans distraction I'm hoping for some palpable results. (Also, I'll be able to take my time with the equipment. Supersets are great, but as soon as you get your ass off a bench to go switch exercises SOMEone will be bound to swoop in your place. And hey! The time saved will be about the same since I'm focusing on one body part versus two.)

But...but Michael?!?! Where's all the RUN-ning bulls#it you've been boring us with?!?! Funny that- I'm in the middle of my 3rd draft of an article to submit to "RW" magazine on my own journey (and the help I've received from friends) of becoming someone who enjoys distance running. Does that mean I'm done racing? Mmmmmnahh. I'm still on the fence whether I'm planning on entertaining thoughts of Grandma's Glory (I'm pretty sure I'd be crew-less. Not a big deal, but I don't know if running w/o moral support from buddies so far away from my home base is something I'm ready for)

Anyway, for the 1st quarter of 2012 I plan on dialing it back a bit. I'm getting new kicks to break in, but I don't plan (really) doing any runs in excess of 6 miles - at the longest- and possibly doing the 5 weeks on- 1 week off (or reduced mileage to 20-30% of my "normal" miles---which has been floating around 20-30 miles a week. Weird.) Anyway, I'll still be logging my mileage on Dailymile and Mapmyrun. LOOK OUT! Chugga-Chugga-Chugga. One of the bigger things is I plan on dragging my ass outside to start finding new and wonderful places- in state and out- to go hike/run. I think 2011 was criminally under-hiked. There, I said it. Ground must be pounded.

My martial goals are fairly simple: Black belt. Nearly 15 years at it means no excuses, and my biggest motivator right now is "Don't beat yourself up (snerk) if you miss one night. Just go consistently- weekly- and build up your skills, strength, and abilities until you get it." Easy, huh? I started in Mid-to-Early November and gave myself a (loose) 1-Year goal. I started once a week, bumping up to twice a week. I've ordered new sparring shoes and a bo, and have already sewn and re-sewn repairs on my uniforms. When my gear arrives, I fight. Easy. I might even toss a tourney or two in there. Might. Again, nothing more ambitious with karate besides my immediate 12-month plan.

As for food, I'm keeping it the same: Light meals, mostly vegetarian. Lots of vegetables, fruits, brown rice, quinoa. Work lunches are going to still be spinach salad w/legumes and a hearty light soup. I've taken to keeping nuts and low-fat cheese around the house to keep the edge off if I get peckish. I'm still drinking 1.5 gallons of water a day and I have NO intention of giving up my 2-3 cups of coffee. So there.


That's it. No pictures to be posted, before or after. I WILL try to be more diligent with the statuses and I'll let y'all know how it goes!

*I've tried to synch up my leg workouts to coincide w/karate. It's a great warm up and with a few near-miss classes that felt like I snapped my hamstring, I found out later that getting on the machinery has helped get some of my flexibility (and speed) back. On leg days, I'll also be choosing a different aerobic post-weight workout like the bike or elliptical.

**I tried this with my last chest/back super-set before New Years...and wow. Try doing 1 resistance exercise per body part (2 if you're into masochism) and do 1 set for 100 reps. Yup. Light enough that you can count to 100 doing bench presses, squats, bicep curls, crunches...name it. I could barely lift my arms. Good as a once and a while deal.

***As my high school conditioning coach would say to me: MIKE! DO YER SQUATS!!! If you aren't doing open squats...even on a Smith Machine- do it. Best damn exercise to get better at IMO. More so than the hack sled, nautilus , inverted squat rack...you name it.

"Best of 2011 Lis...Wait"

I just frassed through the last few January's since I started this dumb blog and most of my previous New Year scribblings have been personal reviews. B#tching about being drunk or my weight or blah blah blah...For that, I'm sorry. Really, truly. And as a guy that doesn't make resolutions that much any more, that'll be one of the last times I attempt to be an apologist. As a definition of character as I creep up on my 4th decade, I kind of think I just need to get back to nutting up and shutting up and standing by certain convictions. Prevent myself from seeming wimby wimby on matters. So my desire for 2012, if not resolve, is to spend some time digging deep into my character to see if there are areas of growth that I can learn from and hopefully make me calmer hanging out in my own skin. (I do that a lot. And by "skin" I mean "head". And we all know that my head space is a very, very messy place to kick it.


2011, for what it's worth...felt like a really strange fever dream. Like how your eyes feel after having been in a pool for hours. Or the feeling you think treading water in an ocean must be like after the Indianapolis has sunk and right before the PBY picks you out of the water- It sucks, but at least you didn't get eaten by a shark. Nothing really, really bad happened this year to frass about on a personal level. I can tell you all as subjectively and honestly as I can that 2011 just really wasn't my favorite year. Or rather, it wasn't until the last few months or so that I really started to feel something of a shift in the world that was palpable and controllable. And that gave me a smidgen of comfort.


I'm starting off 2012 by listing a few of my favorite things from 2011 in addition to some things that warranted our either our disdain/disgust/wrath or our accolades and attention. For those that know me...some of these topics will wind up being about as political as I ever tend to get- and even my politicking will be as bland and generic as ketchup. As always, if I didn't see your gig it doesn't mean it wasn't the best...I just don't see a f#ck ton of theater. I'm trying to change that a bit...BUT NO APOLOGIES!!!! NONE!


Ahem:



Personal Best's: I managed to run 3 half-mary's, two 10K's, (And PR every time). I moved to a vegetarian dominated diet. I didn't over-over spend for the year. I lost weight, avoided hard alcohol, picked up a really enjoyable (knock on wood) new job, performed in 3 shows (and met some great new people. AND did a musical...AND a well-attended Fringe Show.), saw my first Twins game in the new stadium, went camping at the same Kampground, kept up the garden and transformed the back forty into the start of something pretty, threw a quiet raging party, began a noble slumber on my tempurpedic bed, went to Vegas for work, grew an EPIC beard, started hitting karate regularly, had a great birthday, went to some amazing new restaurants, and did some home projects that went outside of my comfort zone. Oh, and I finally got myself a new phone. I stiiiiill love technology...



Ehhhhh...that sucks: I worked some s#itty...s#itty temp jobs that started to drag me down to a level of lip-biting anxiety that nearly bested me. I got mega-sized sick for the first time in 15 years and lost my voice- awesome when you're in a musical. Had some car kerfluffles/break-downs and needed new tires. I lost my driver's liscense in Vegas. I busted my central a/c playing with a roto-tiller forcing me to undergo a few unwanted expenses...and finished up late Fall/early Winter with some really soul-dislodging news.





People/Things in 2011 that warranted a big thumbs up:

The "Occupy" protestors. Lean whatever way you want to politically. Bitch about how they only had a few hardships to endure and it's nowhere NEAR how awful it is in other parts of the world...but: We, as a nation, can still make a lot of noise when we want to. And it was here, Minny. And it'll take a select few hermits who won't know the difference between the 1%/99%. That much was made clear. And good on those who did it.


My friends and family. I get that this is a blanket statement, but hear me out- My mom...who went outside of her own comfort zone to volunteer and keep volunteering at the theater. To taking charge of and actively working to pimp out her antiquities like a 21st century Marcus Brodey. My brother and his family- raising two of the most adorable and wickedly funny children. For surviving a corporate downsizing and move. And for continuing to be an example of responsibility, respect, and loyalty to the rest of us.



My extended family...we managed to get through '11 without any death's, thank the Gods. My uncle managed to survive his heart surgery. My aunt/uncle on the West Coast found newer (better) employment in sunny San Diego. My cousins remained focused and entreprenuerial.

My friends who had the babies. There were sooooo many babies. Like, 500 babies. And they'll probably all be good at sports. And great parents all...

My friends who found new, exciting, and challenging work.

My friends who (A) ran with me. There support and energy kept me moving forward. Who (B) ran either their first marathon (an amazing event, btw) or their first half- it was a year for friends to push themselves into something new. And lastly who (C) started to take up running/fitness routines to frame their own personal fitness goals: Whether it was for rehabilitative purposes, health, weight-loss...There were so many people on F'Book who started an affair with the treadmill and it just made my heart happy every time I would read their status.


My friends who moved/bought houses/bigger boats...


My friend AL who got himself a hairy stepson in the form of Deuce.



My roommate. After we talked about how he's staying for the immediate future, he has consistently proven to be a solid and stand-up man. You should meet him. Or at the very least, introduce him to any single lady-friends.

My neighborhood. I've hermited a lot in 2011, so it's nice NE Mipples has a metric f#ck ton of options regarding restaurants and things to do. Heidi's was my favorite surprise of 2011, but I'm still in love with my neighborhood after 7 years. M'wah.

As an actron/power nerd I'd be so very, very remiss if I didn't say Craiggles and Anna getting their Ivey dues, the fantastic productions of "August: Osage County" at Park Square and "Street Scene" w/Girl Friday...man. I saw some beautiful intimate shows/performances (and some amazingly fun/smiley confections ala' "Mercy Watson" and "Hairspray") but the ensemble work moved these productions into a higher pantheon of shows I'll be digesting and talking about for a while. Shows and performances that make me want to be a better actor myself. Yeah.

The casts of "Joseph", "12 Angry", and "Knit et.al"...well I think I lucked out. I really really did. And had a great time during every show.



And for my final note: Thank you, movie studios. Thank you for putting out the kind of nerdy, fantastic fare that we've been waiting for and heaping it on. I'm talking to you, Marvel. Tell DC that "Batman" isn't their only property and that they should NEVER have cocked up "Green Lantern" like they did. AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!!!

People who should be taken down a notch from 2011: Politicians. Just. Ohhhh...f#ck it. Here's the thing, and this is real and the truth- We elect people to make decisions for us, and preferably in our best interest. And...and they just sit their idly and have to shut down the fucking gov't just to make a decision? I really could give a shit on the details- people lost jobs. Work. Activities meant to stimulate local (seasonal) business were shut down. So here's a thought: Stay open. Work overtime. Because it's what the rest of us schlubs are forced to do. And usually the word "mandatory" comes before it. I'd hate to think we're impeding tee time.

And if, if I hear about how so and so raised $x million dollars on a campaign...I'm liable to slam my head in a door. I need that money too. More than you! I need a bathroom and garage! You want elected? Prove you can do something. Better yet, prove you can do it on a budget...like the rest of us. And fix my tub.


MN Sports teams. You whiney little grundles. Win some f#cking games for a change. Use the Lynx as your shining example if you need to. Ish, ish, ish...

F'Book. Stop changing every five minutes. You're infuriating. And terrible for we ADHD sufferers.

Bacon. Enough. Yuck. Same with Breakfast. "Most important meal of the day" my ass. You're giving a complex to lunch, second breakfast, and dinner.