Reviews: "Cowboys Vs. Aliens" et.al.

Available on DVD/Netflix/Redbox


"Cowboys and Aliens" is what happens when you're about to tuck into a beautiful hot fudge sundae with ice cream only to discover that it's mashed potatoes/gravy/meatloaf...and someone emptied a salt shaker all over it. And I actually sat through it. Bite, by mouth numbingly terrible bite.

All the elements are in place. From the title, the director, the stars, the concept. But, and this is a pretty trivial quibble but I want you to know it's about as obvious as a bad work-print: There were, like, 50 writers credited on this movie. It got to the point that someone would throw out a completely wasted non-sequiter line and I'd turn to my friend and say "I wrote that one. Me." Except even with my terrible grasp of syntax/spelling etc. could have hatched a better fever dream than this dreck. And that's where I think I'll leave this review, with some parting wisdom: Here are some cardinal rules/sins/points of frass that I live by when it comes to watching/enjoying movies. I'm an awfully simple man with simple tastes (I own "Undercover Brother" for pities sake) and I'm also fairly forgiving as well. (I own the Star Wars Prequels, Wolverine, AND X-Men 3 for pities sake) And along with the old addage "Don't Bore Me" and "Don't Bait And Switch your Genre Movie" I'd like to add one that sounds like it was farted out by a matronly schoolteacher:

Don't waste all of that potential. I'm not mad. I'm just...disappointed.

Not quite a full "MacGruber" (0/5) but hangs out with "Green Lantern" (1.5/5)


(Quick bites! Smartly planned Moviethon Trifecta: "36th Chamber of Shaolin", "Lone Wolf & Cub", and "Kill Bill: Vol. 1/Vol. 2" All available on Netflix)

You ever take the time to stalk out the films where you hear s#it like "Such and Such is a GREAT film, but borrows heavily from 'Blah' and 'Blah de Blah'..." You know what I mean. Tarantino is shamelessly honest about it. Lucas is famously known for it. And this reinforces my old man's assertion that there are "No New Original Ideas In Hollywood". (An idea I don't really share, but I like bellowing his little idiom's from time to time)

Having seen both "Bill" movies and knowing the background/where he bogarted the ideas- you'd think I'd have seen some of the original source material that have been cited by the filmmaker previously. No so. As a matter of fact, my knowledge of old chop sockey Kung Fu and Samurai Films is fairly incomplete. And for good reason. Sure, I've seen quite a few: (My friend AL and I talked about how USA Network had their version of "Kung Fu Theater"- Which replaced the Horror Film block of time "Groovy Movies".) and I've seen every Bruce Lee and most early Jackie Chan...as well as their knock-offs. (In addition to some bloody, bloody Samurai films)

What I can say is that I've never went through the entire Shaw or Kurosawa filmography and haven't felt too terrible for having missed them. They all tend to blend homogenously together in my mind and in spite of popular cult followings, I wouldn't be able to tell one from another if I was paid to.

That said, I added "36th Chamber" and "Lone Wolf" after poking through a wiki article about "Kill Bill" and finally got around to watching them. As a back to back to back piece, it actually lends itself to an entertaining afternoon/evening of cinema. Truth.

"36th" (Gordon Liu's debut) is your typical "dude gets his village impinged on, goes to the kung fu temple to learn, learns, becomes the best, goes back to his village and kicks ass" kind of film that we've all seen before- With the exception that it was actually one of the first to use the formula. There are some awesome "HOOO BOY HELL YEAH" moments in it, specifically during his training through the chambers. HOWever, my own hubris was that subsequent movies that copy the formula have done it a lot better. The kung fu is painfully slow, the bloodletting is obnoxiously bright, and the repetitive nature can get a little boring. (There's only so many times you can watch someone try to run across logs to cross a body of water- then fall in- before it gets old)

That's not to say it's a bad movie. Rather silly if you think about it. (And probably better after a couple of shots or beers.) What IS interesting is seeing exactly HOW shameless QT was in stealing some of the cooler parts of "KB I & II" with their embryonic counterpart in "36th". (The training montage with Pei Mei, carrying the water, the 1-inch punch and body conditioning etc? All there.)

"Lone Wolf" (based on the Manga series of the same name) tells the story of a Shogunate executioner who was framed for a crime he didn't commit and, having been stripped of his post, goes wandering the countryside with his 3-year-old son Daigoro as an assassin for hire in order to reclaim vengeance on those who wronged them.

Okay, so it's a bit more complicated than that plot-wise. What you do get is about 85 minutes of tense action and some of the most unbelievably amazing sword fighting and displays of Japanese weaponry committed to film. The actor playing Lone Wolf/Itto barely registers an emotion for the entire film, only occasionally showing happy/sad (he usually wears a constipated grimace) and when he is finally goaded to action (either by circumstances or his own machinations) it is worth the time holding your breath leading up to it.

My only major gripes is that you can tell that it was part of a larger story ("Sword of Vengeance" is only one in a roughly 6 part film series) and my DVD had some sound/coloring issues. Worth noting are some of the special features which feature a preview for "Zatoichi the Outlaw"...by far the funniest 5 minute trailer that you've ever seen.) When you watch the sword work in "Lone Wolf", re-watch "KB: I" for the House of Blue Leaves fight or "KB: II" for the trailer fight scene. You'll get it. You'll get deja vu all over again.

So if you have an afternoon and evening to kill, you could do far worse than watching this film quadrology with friends.

2012 Fitness Regime!

Righto! Fourth-a, Fourth-a, Fourth-a January and it's about time to come clean with the new regime! I mentioned that I was going to try a few new things to shake up my aging carcass in terms of health/wellness and new things it shall be. (It's here that I feel it encumbent to point out that one of the many reasons I don't make the typical resolutions is that I feel fairly okay with the fact that I have exercised and ate right for the last several years. That's not a bragging point, mind. Clearly it's not turned me into an Adonis or challenged me in the way my running workouts have, you know?)

Anyway, we're breaking things down anew this year and as I pointed out earlier I've got a whole new bag of old-cheap moves to try out on myself in 2012. And it starts with chucking the current routine and embarking on something a little more ambitious than I've been accustomed to but hopefully (after a 1-2 month attempt) may start to prove results. And it actually starts by keeping the weight routine pretty simple by attacking the body 1 piece at a time.

(Routine bogarted from the December 2011 Muscle and Fitness)

The weight routine works similarly to a circuit routine, minus hitting all body parts during the same workout. For my part, I've been engaging in moderate (in both frequency and intensity) "super-sets" for the better part of the last 6-7 months. From a time-saving standpoint, it isn't really a bad workout and moreover it's great for being able to tax two contrasting muscle groups that work opposite each other for maximum affect. Problem is? I'm a little stuck right now.

So, the new work-out will be incorporating tenets of both bodybuilding and sports/strength-training by following a "6 on-1 off approach". (Focusing on working one body part, once a day, six-days in a row. The LEGS get special attention* with one light and lastly one heavy workout day before your final day of rest.) This goes on for 3-4 weeks before a rest week and the resuming. If I'm not feeling peachy or I don't look dead-nasty sexy with my clothes off (or have dropped 10-15 consistent pounds. I'll take either) Then I'll shuck it and look into a new routine. I might even try throwing in the occasional "century"** workout too.

In short:
Sun- Arms (Bicep/Tricep/Forearm)
Mon- Off
Tues- Legs (light)
Wed- Moobs (Chest)
Thurs- Back
Fri- Shoulders
Sats- Legs (heavy)***

Ambitious? Yes! However I've a bit of free time for the next...for a bit, and if I can continue this sans distraction I'm hoping for some palpable results. (Also, I'll be able to take my time with the equipment. Supersets are great, but as soon as you get your ass off a bench to go switch exercises SOMEone will be bound to swoop in your place. And hey! The time saved will be about the same since I'm focusing on one body part versus two.)

But...but Michael?!?! Where's all the RUN-ning bulls#it you've been boring us with?!?! Funny that- I'm in the middle of my 3rd draft of an article to submit to "RW" magazine on my own journey (and the help I've received from friends) of becoming someone who enjoys distance running. Does that mean I'm done racing? Mmmmmnahh. I'm still on the fence whether I'm planning on entertaining thoughts of Grandma's Glory (I'm pretty sure I'd be crew-less. Not a big deal, but I don't know if running w/o moral support from buddies so far away from my home base is something I'm ready for)

Anyway, for the 1st quarter of 2012 I plan on dialing it back a bit. I'm getting new kicks to break in, but I don't plan (really) doing any runs in excess of 6 miles - at the longest- and possibly doing the 5 weeks on- 1 week off (or reduced mileage to 20-30% of my "normal" miles---which has been floating around 20-30 miles a week. Weird.) Anyway, I'll still be logging my mileage on Dailymile and Mapmyrun. LOOK OUT! Chugga-Chugga-Chugga. One of the bigger things is I plan on dragging my ass outside to start finding new and wonderful places- in state and out- to go hike/run. I think 2011 was criminally under-hiked. There, I said it. Ground must be pounded.

My martial goals are fairly simple: Black belt. Nearly 15 years at it means no excuses, and my biggest motivator right now is "Don't beat yourself up (snerk) if you miss one night. Just go consistently- weekly- and build up your skills, strength, and abilities until you get it." Easy, huh? I started in Mid-to-Early November and gave myself a (loose) 1-Year goal. I started once a week, bumping up to twice a week. I've ordered new sparring shoes and a bo, and have already sewn and re-sewn repairs on my uniforms. When my gear arrives, I fight. Easy. I might even toss a tourney or two in there. Might. Again, nothing more ambitious with karate besides my immediate 12-month plan.

As for food, I'm keeping it the same: Light meals, mostly vegetarian. Lots of vegetables, fruits, brown rice, quinoa. Work lunches are going to still be spinach salad w/legumes and a hearty light soup. I've taken to keeping nuts and low-fat cheese around the house to keep the edge off if I get peckish. I'm still drinking 1.5 gallons of water a day and I have NO intention of giving up my 2-3 cups of coffee. So there.


That's it. No pictures to be posted, before or after. I WILL try to be more diligent with the statuses and I'll let y'all know how it goes!

*I've tried to synch up my leg workouts to coincide w/karate. It's a great warm up and with a few near-miss classes that felt like I snapped my hamstring, I found out later that getting on the machinery has helped get some of my flexibility (and speed) back. On leg days, I'll also be choosing a different aerobic post-weight workout like the bike or elliptical.

**I tried this with my last chest/back super-set before New Years...and wow. Try doing 1 resistance exercise per body part (2 if you're into masochism) and do 1 set for 100 reps. Yup. Light enough that you can count to 100 doing bench presses, squats, bicep curls, crunches...name it. I could barely lift my arms. Good as a once and a while deal.

***As my high school conditioning coach would say to me: MIKE! DO YER SQUATS!!! If you aren't doing open squats...even on a Smith Machine- do it. Best damn exercise to get better at IMO. More so than the hack sled, nautilus , inverted squat rack...you name it.