An Ode to BeeP's*

(*)My hometown, thankyouverylittle. Kaiser recently ranted about the Mipples Vs. StaPunk argument (which I grow very weary of in very short fashion. People…who rip on cities, that aren’t their own…need lives badly. Moreso than indoor kids. And they killed Kennedy) So I thought I’d sing a halcyon song regarding my (snitch..snerk..teehee) love for my hometown. Cue, Mr. Springsteen (My information may be a little dated, as I haven’t lived there full time in a few years)

• 
  We had a Pro-Wrestler mayor before he up and decided he wanted to be governor. (Seriously. I had to sing w/my HS small group for the mayor’s bkfst. Hilarious to see all these dudes in suits and smack in the middle was this big bearded dude in a leather vest and head scarf. I took all of my power not to go up and say "Blaine, you vere a gud soldier.". This is reason # 208 I’ll never work at the G w/Angela Bacitracin.)
  
  
• We have the mostest bad ass drive in. Well, it sucks, but we still have a drive in.
  
• We’re trying so-hard not to be ghetto-ish. A High End interior design center was built in the building which used to house KNOX lumber. Light’s on Broadway is a high-end lighting design center. A huge indoor water park. What the citizens hear tell was that during the 70’s and early 80’s, the then mayor got a fat kick back for building affordable housing. (Email me if you need a translation) That affordable housing became sort of partnered with criminal activity…and a reputation was born. Hey, we were mentioned on Oprah.
• 
  Car Dealerships baby. 2nd only to WBL!
• 
  A stones throw away from the BEST Dale….Buh-ROOKDale! The only 1-level Dale in alllll the Dale chains. Holding on to life by a thread for years, they tried putting a Burns and Nipples, an Old Scavey, and a GAP in there to spruce it up. No good. As of 3 months ago (J and I ventured a visit for nostalgia purposes) that place had only 2/3rds of it’s stores running. Sad.
• 
  Crabapplebeege’s: That’s right baby, yours truly has acheived a fame akin (Famekin, wasn't the name of a Chinese Restaurant?) to Alexander of Macedonia! I am pasted All OVER the back of the store (In one tiny section reserved for the local community college drama department) From the earth shattering perfomances of Tereus # 1 in Love of the Nightengale, Rusty Cornhole in Guys and Dolls, and as an 18 year old playing a 80 year old in Noises Off (Seriously...make up be damned, silver hair spray WILL make you look older, swear!) Those pics are placed RIGHT next to the can, so you can see me before or after you relieve yourself. Whether you do so on the pictures...is really up to you, Mr or Mrs. Grodie-Gus.
• 
  Home of the 1st official Lifetime Fitness. (And the 1st "wet sauna" that smelled like tuna fish... Truth. I got a free membership for a week when they first opened and nearly barfed when I opened the door.)
• 
  LPGA, baby. Go Women’s Pro GOLF!!! (Edinburgh is a nice golf course. 'Spensive, but nice)
• 
  We have a Library, a hockey rink, AND an armory…thank you.
• 
  We raze mini-mom and pop malls at the rate of One Mall a Year!!! (To build more town houses. I don’t even know what happened to Village North. One minute it’s there, the next…gone.)
• 
  Home of the Pirates, Knights, Rams, and Reds etc…
• 
  Ummm, like, the 5th or 6th most populated suburb in the State?
  
  That’s all I got for now. I read a blog or two that are posted by former ’93 PCH classmates of mine. One of ‘em still lives there. Ssssscary.

It's ridiculously busy here at the oriface, so I've decided to be blatantly lackadaisical and post the illustrious: 3rd blog!!! (Also, I was walking by some dude's desk here and he has a color 8 x 10 picture of Ronald Reagan on the wall of his cube . WTF? What inspires my weirdness? Seeing someone elses.)

MORE STRANGE BUT TRUE THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT P!!!

1. I'm weird about symmetry. I've tried to teach myself to be ambidextrous in order to maintain balance. After I take a shower, I dry left to right. (I'm right handed, if you hadn't guessed. Sometimes I'll try to dry off in the opposite direction but it feels weird.) In karate, it's the opposite (Left side is stronger at punching/kicking.)
   
2. I think Exaggeration can be fun.
   
3. I like my job. Not a lot, but I like it.
   
4. I used to eat burnt match heads as a kid
   
5. And raw oysters, but I've blogged 'bout that before
   
6. I guess I'm saying I ate some weird crap as a kid. Like that marshmallow spread on peanut butter sandwiches.
   
7. Speaking of showers, I shave in the shower and...
   
8. I always shower in the evening. (A man shaves during the day, a gentleman at night.)
   
9. As kids, we rescued hurt or injured wild animals. My brother and I "rescued" farm eggs from Iowa & put'em in an ice cream bucket under a lamp. They hatched, and we ended up raising two chickens to adulthood. When we gave them back to the farm, they both committed suicide in the horse water-trough. Apparently they were delicious.
   
10. I loathed fundraising. Whether it was for scouts, hockey, choir, whatev. It sucked. I begged my parents to take the (candy, wreaths, sausages) to work.
    
11. My 8th grade Art Teacher had a terrific saying for ignoring gossip and 2nd hand news "Consider the Source". He had it up on the wall on a postcard, written in calligraphy. I've never forgotten that.
    
12. I love remembering 1st meetings, or run-ins. If you want me to email you our first, or a memorable run-in, let me know.
    
13. I hate guns, and I hate gambling. I'm doubtful I would have ever survived in the old West.
    
14. I believe in past lives. (Yeah, I was a samurai. And I probably did some pretty heinous things, cause some days I think I'm paying for it.)
    
15. In grade school, my favorite animal was the panther, and my favorite state was South Dakota. Now, I'm my own favorite animal.
    
16. When I was 6, and swimming in the Gulf of Mexico a jellyfish swam up my butt. It got scared and lashed itself all around my body. To this day, it's caused me to be deathly afraid of thong underwear.
    
17. See comment #2 regarding exaggeration. (It sounded better than "I got 2rd degree burn sunburn and had to spend 3 days in bed, smothered in burn-cream")
    

Leave it to MPR...to make obtaining commercial work seem superfluous.
If you heard the spot on the ad company this morning, you know what I mean.


"Then the actors they like are asked to come have another try...or 'callback'."

Guh. They made it sound so damn condescending. And here I am trying to listen to MPR to help calm my nerves.

Shout out to peeps in London. 'Specially my friend's girl Abi-Normal.

(E-mail from P, to P's friend Gay-SSSsspshshsssteve.)

"Oompa, Loompa Doompity Dump,
I know a midget-that you can hump...
Oompa, Loompa, Doompity Day,
I pretty sure, the little guy's gay... "


His response?:

"Dude, you're gonna get me fired. Oh, btw I'm going to Stevie Nicks."


Mine?

"What? Isn't that the 'One More Sandwich' tour?"

Him:

"You're mean. Funny stuff, but mean"

Me:

"You can gooo your own waaaaaay.....As long as it's Subway-e-yaaay"



A little punchy today. Countertops have been delivered and installed, and I've got a major You-Know-Whut to get home and see 'em. It's either that, or I've a hormone imbalance. Causing the...you-know-wh...nevermind.

Somedays, this is just the way the gears turn.

Mom is weird...

...but I'm weirder.

(Quick backstory- Mom and Dad are moving from the 'hood to the 'burbs. INasmuch, they are in a mad dash to fight their pack-rat ways, and make the house "sellable" . I visit weekly to check their progress, and lend a hand. )

P- (noting a "Wig Head" just sitting on the corner of the floor.) "Hey ma, can I have that?"
Mom- "Why, you aren't gonna throw it away, are you"
P- "Why'd I ask for it if I was just gonna throw it away?!? Can I have it or not?"
Mom- "Sure. What'd you need it for? Are you gonna put a Darth Vader mask on it?"

P- (Taking a second to register what she just said.) Excuse me?
Mom-"I figured you'd put a mask or something on it. D.V. just came to mind"
P-"Ummmm. Wait, wha? Did you...Did I...?"
Mom-"Hon, just take it...I don't care."
P-"Ma, that's just really weird. I mean..."
Mom-"Why is that weird?"
(pause)
P- "Go and look outside in 2 minutes"

(Insert "Imperial March" here.)




So, I never told her that I bought a Darth Vader mask from job #2. What's more, she didn't know that was precisely why I wanted the wig head. It was, really, the 1st thing that popped in her head when I asked. My dad looked at us like we were crazy when we both started laughing at the Darth Vader mask, mounted on my car like a jerry rigged hood ornament.

Mom told me that we P's were a little psychic. Psycho or psychic...I can't remember which. Something about witchy-witch craft in the ol' Pennsylvania Dutch blood.

Hey…all right. It’s an okay nude day.


Due to 86’ing booze for the last couple of days, the bloat is reducing (meaning looser pants today) vascularity is returning, and after all the damn exercise: I’m flippin sore. H opefully this will mean I’m not too self-consious to get into a pool on Monday. Please oh please be a sunny day.

Some good news: Our counter tops were delivered yesterday, and are getting installed today. Meaning our kitchen will be 89% complete. (Still awaiting some $ for window frame wood, and the remainder of the recessed lighting inserts. To quote Hall and Oates, those MN Zoo concert cancelling mo-fo’s: "Soooo Close…yet so far away.") Regardless, having the counters installed will mean no more jerry rigged card board counters, and pretty soon- a working dishwasher. When does that increased resale value kick in again?

Random fact: My favorite GI Joe was Snake Eyes, followed by Stormshadow. Ninja’s always kicked ass.


Have a safe and happy 4th of July weekend y’all. Geef- Break a leg on opening. (I hope to goodness he was able to work the "door bit" in.) Weef- Congrats on the new jobski. If it was my last day, I’d show up to work nekkid. Or maybe dressed in a toga made entirely of insurance applications.

Touching

The ice breaker question of the day issss:

What is your limit for touching between platonic friends?


Are the platonic friends currently in a relationship with other people? If not, I think it anything goes...and it truly depends on the friends involved. (I've seen some weird shit go down between "friends". Where you look and think to yourself "Damn". Or, if you're like me you say out loud "DAMN!") Hugs and Kisses I are fine (So long as the mouth doesn't open) and I know that I'm guilty of a little ass grabbing here and there. And you know something, the closest I ever came to cheating on someone was when I was starting to get to know J and the "casual touches" started setting off my Spider-Sense. (Waitaminute...is she being flirty? We boys can be so thick.) Actors have a tendency of being a little more touchy feely than most folks...so I think our "limits" are a little bit higher. You know, I know a dude who is borderline haphephobic (Fearful of touching.) where he can shake hands, but that's about it. Always uncomfortable for a boy like me who is big on "hughello's".



True story-

During my bachelor days of yore, I would mercilessly kick people out of my apartment if I was ready for bed. When the verbal warning failed....off came my clothes...followed by a threat that I would hug them if they didn't leave. I'm honestly suprised that Ry-Gonn still talks to me after that fiasco'.

"Arrrrgh get away, get away, that's fucking disGUSTING!"

Audience Precipitation

Because I don't want to talk about clothes, food, or working out right now.


#1 Was there anything unusual about your birth?

and

#2 What did you do after school?


Por moi?

Well, I was born on Christmas. I suppose that in and of itself is fairly unusual, if not unique.
Ummm, my mom thought she had gas. She was getting the house ready for X-Mas, couldn't take it anymore, and called her doc to let him know she had (quote) " painful gas."

Doc-"How long have you had it?"
Ma-"It comes and goes, every 15-20 minutes I guess"
Doc-"Get to North right away!"

There was some hemming and hawing on her part, mostly about having to leave my big brother at home w/Dad on X-mas. (That and my dad had to get pulled away from the football game. )After I was born, I was apparently wrapped in my umbilical cord and just shy of being a blue baby. They sent me home in a oversized candystripe Christmas Stocking.

My mom says I was the best present ever. My brother thinks I've ruined Christmases for the last 30 years. Dork.

#2- (I'm gonna break this down a bit)

Ellie-Mentry: Hauled ass home (I was a walker) to watch cartoons. I lived with the vain hope that I'd catch the Scooby Doo episode with Batman and Robin as the guest stars. (I'd only seen it once...and it was glorious) Except it was usually only Jerry Reed or Mama Cass Elliot. Bitch.

Jr. High- I did pretty much the same as above, except for Fall when I was in football. My new habit was to eat either a whole bag of Pizza Rolls (Yes, the big bag) or a whole totino's pizza. It was microwaved so that it was soggy, and went down faster. Piggy Piggy Piggy boy.

I was still a walker, but I'd take my time in 7th and 8th grade to let the bullies get out first.

As luck would have it, the prettiest gal in school- Lynne, would be walking home about a block or so ahead of me. I would usually have some innane fantasy scenario in my head that maybe someday she'd slow down long enough to want to walk with me. Once, we actually left school at the same time- Except I doubled back and walked around the whole school to give her some lead time. (Chicken shit). In the 9th grade, we both wound upp in the same play together and we actually became buds.(Thanks, growth spurt) . Heck, I was gonna use open enrollment to follow her to the HS she was in but to no avail. This story is getting long. More details below for the interested*

High School-
Um, Extra Curric's took over (Foo'Ball and then theatre in the winter and spring) So, if there was enough time I'd catch a nap. My 1st LTGF took up the rest of my life after school in 11th and 12th grades. That sucked.


How about youse?




* Senior year, during a 1-month break up from the LTGF, I went to Prom at Lynner's high school w/a community theatre buddy of mine. I ran into her and actually scored a dance! (And also with, incidentally, both my 8th and 9th grade gf's- I recall thinking how absolutely flipping gorgeous they all had become. Problem was, I didn't get to dance with my own date 'til the last song of the night. Nice job, prick-o.)

I ran into Lynner again during my stint at Comm. Coll. We were in choir together and at the time I had a new LTGF. On our big spring choir tour to Alex, (My gf wasn't there) we ended up going for a walk together 'round the resort. We wound up, appropriately enough, at this playground. We sat on the swings and talked for an hour or so, she asking me about my new gf, and then telling me that her long term bf and she had finally broken up. I was finally able to confess my little "walking a block behind her in jr.high" story, to which she laughed her butt off .

We did the whole "staring at each other quietly" for a bit...dragging our feets in the gravel. Then she leaned over, gave me little kiss...and said "'Night, P- - - - -. " (I loved the whole jock-o thing about her. A former softball playa, she was one of the few females who called me by my last name.) I fell a little in love with her that night. After the semester was over we parted ways. And I haven't seen her since. Gosh, that'll be 10 years now. Man, P...that just sounded like a freakin' Dan Fogelburg song.

I hate posts that sound this way, but I really have no other way to articulate this:

I drank way too much last night.

Calorie. Hog. I mean. it was really quite a lovely time, all told. B & T came over, we fondued, and drank. A lot. (Fondue, btw, with chicken broth in lieu of boiling oil is delicious, and a titch healthier. You need a shite load of broth 'cause that shit evaporates quickly.)

Wait, we fondued with another couple over cocktails? Where are we, the flippin' 70's? Where is my disco shirt???

2 Pitchers of Margie's, A bottle and a half of veeno, a little chocolate cake (Which I was not allowed to say "No" to apparently. "Hon, I'm okay" /"Eat it" /"okay") and hot weather are all a saucy combination for debauchery. Or at least, quite a bit of smack-talking. And we did. The smackiest. I am absolutely mortified at the number of dishy's that were left in the sink...it nearly sent me into OCD overload ("Would you STOP doing dishes and come in here please?")

I'm a little slow on the draw today, and have to work the #2 jobby tonight, so I'll keep this brief. I've a 7/4/05 BBQ to attend and the peeps throwing it have a pool. Which means if it is a hot day and I have any intention on taking a dip (I don't) , I'm gonna need to train hard all week to get last nights poison outta my bod. Lest I enter the pool looking like Sha-flippin-moo. I'm serious. There'd be an oil slick following me like I'm the Exxon Valdez. Not really oil, more like a Pinot Grigio slick.

Flammable-Water.


Anybody wanna buy a house? Robbinsdale, quiet neighborhood, close to the busline and minutes away from Downtown. I am afeared that my big bro will be sitting on 2 house payments until it sells. If anyone knows any interested buyers, just direct them to this MLS #3023567

Super cute?

REVEEENNNGGEEE!!!

Seeing Batman Begins again, I start to get the feeling I have a soft spot in my heart for revenge movies. I'm not a vengeful person by nature nor have I ever tried to "get back" at someone through spite, malice, or anger. (It's Kinda rude, Kinda uncouth, Kinda a waste of time. Have the patience and calm understanding of a Jedi, and you can't really go wrong.)

Still, I can't help but think that I experience a catharsis whenever these films come on. They're the kind of movies that, were they to come on the telly on a perfectly beautiful Saturday afternoon I'd still have to drop everything and watch. Even though I own them all on DVD.
I'm gonna qualify these flicks by trying very hard NOT to include movies with "Revenge" in the title. ("Revenge of the Sith" and "Revenge of the Ninja" can't count. I mean, Sith wasn't even technically about revenge... Just set up.) It's not top five-ish, but they are my faves. And really, they aren't necessarily all about revenge...some are about justice. Or, like my old man the ex cop sez: "JUSSS-tice!"

Kill Bill 1 and 2
Pure revenge schlock. Both delicious and easy to digest, a little hyper violence is a terrific palate cleanser. These films (Or should I say film) about a ladies quest for vengeance are great for their choreography and homage's galore for the old school kung fu geek like myself.

The Fugitive
I'm a sucker for this film. Really. Like "Jaws" this is one of those films that will suck away my Saturday. Cool as hell, who'da thunk that it would have got Tommy Lee Jones an Academy Award? (I think Ford shoulda been at least nominated...he's a little over due.) My favorite "Dad-ism" was watching it one lazy Saturday w/my old man. Dr. Kimble is doing the shave/shower/suture scene and he's stripped to the waist. My dad mutters "He's in pretty good shape for an old fart" Classic.

Revenge of the Nerds/Better off Dead
I promised no "revenge" titled movies, but I take exception to one of my personal favorites of the teen T & A films of the 80's. "Nerds" gave me hope that ugly dudes could get some ("Jocks only think about sports, Nerds only think about sex"), spawned dozens of quotable quotes Hey, maybe I could use Gilbert's monologue from the end of the movie at an audition? Look for cameo's by James Cromwell, and John Goodman. I think that there are 2 camps: The John Hughes crowd and the "Nerds" crowd. Not to disparage movies like "TBC", but I never got into "Pretty in Pink" or "Sixteen Candles" the way I did "Nerds". I even dug on "The Big Red One" because Carradine was in it...with some dorkus named Lee Marvin. And Mark Hamill. ; )

They're showing on the IMDB that they may be re-making "Nerds". Ugh...But, "Debbie Does Dallas: The next generation" was loads better than the original. From an artistic standpoint, I mean. (Suckers...)

("BoD" is on their for 2 reasons- (1) the tie in of Curtis Armstrong and (2) I always thought Lane should have gone for Monique over Beth anyway. )

The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)
I waffled on seeing this one when it first came out because of an ex-geef's observation that it looked "corny". A friend of mine rented it and I instantly fell in love with all of the little details of the film.

"For your help, I will teach you philosphy, economics..."/ "How to read and write?"/ "of course..."

Damn! One of Sir Richard Harris's last films outside the Potter genre, I know people who still naysay this film to death but for my money, it is a terrific flick to throw in if you can't decide what you want to watch. And it was the 1st movie J and I rented together on our 1st date back to her place. Even though we had both seen it, we just knew it was a good watch. And frickin' Guzman is in it! GUUUUUZMAAAAN....KNIFE Fighting btw!


So what're yours?

TGTPU*

*Too good to pass up...I'm on a monologue kick, but this. This. Ohhhhh next year at the Flying G's open call, baby- THE serious monologue. I'm kicking it Old School:


Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?


Pervy, P...real Pervy

I'm a mess...

I'm falling apart. . With the inclusion of my sunburned back, I've got a veritable laundry list of maladies today . My work shoes are causing my left arch to scream so I'm forced to jerry rig this arch support out of rolled up napkins. (I'm doing this 'cause Iit's causing me to favor my right leg, and we all know that doing this can cause Chadwickian back problems down the line. )
And after this weekend of pulling out tree stumps and helping my folks move= I am all over sore. (And me with my whole macho-ass "Not gonna take Ibuprofen to mask the injury" attitude. Fuck dat, today I break out the big-kid 800 mg Ib's)

Sore like being back in summer football training (boot) camp. (Hell week, as we affectionately called it.) Urgh, back/legs/neck/head (Too many G and T's) arms/tits...All sore. I would invest in Bio-Freeze ('spensive stuff) or Icy Hot, but that'd remind me too much of an embarrassing accident which occured circa 1992 where I gave myself a good icy hot meltdown after practice. And apparently didn't wash my hands well enough after the application. Then used the loo. You know? (I'm not gonna draw you a picture...let's just say it was icy and hot.)

Listen to me whine. P: You danced, now you gotta pay the piper. Today is the day I shoulda called in. Bleargh

Batman's audition piece's

Wow. Just, wow. My love of movie quotes and the IMDB has unearthed some hi-larious future monologues. (In case yer wondering about why I'm posting this- I've had "Bats" on the brain, so I was checking out Bale's filmography. Btw, according to the film crew he only lost 63 Lbs for La Machinist. Hella gross skinny. Like Jared Leto in the "Ass to Ass" film. Weird. He too, was in the below mentioned movie.)

These 'logues are from "American Psycho" (Which wasn't a terrific film, mind you... A more interesting read, IMHO. A friend wanted me to watch it for this one particular scene that he said "Reminded him of me". Whatever. If you've seen the flick and maybe know the scene in question, well, a big hearty whatever to you too. I've never flexed my bicep in a mirror during sex, thankyouverymuch. Jiggled my pecs, yes...but never flexed my arm.) I'm thinking his performance in the film is probably what got him cast as Bruce Wayne in the 1st place. Bale is steadily approaching the short list of "Actor's who P is irrationally jealous of." He's a good, honest actor. He's my age. And he is in great shape. Dickhead. I hate 'im.

I don't think I'd ever use either one of these unless someone was directing a Labute or Mamet play...but just. Wow. It's a sick world and I'm a happy guy.


Harold, it's Bateman, Patrick Bateman. You're my lawyer so I think you should know: I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy. So, if you get back tomorrow, meet me at Harry's Bar, so you know, keep your eyes open.







Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your ass. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.

Blogadaisical...

(Apologies for the apathetic nature of the following blog, gentle readers. I'm waiting to see if I got a callback for "Pitch-Nitch" and I'm gettin' a wee antsy. Bad form for me, I know...but, you know?)


My hair is a mess. Unruly. I can slather in gobs O' product, and the mighty power of the wave causes it to pop out everywhere. ("Well, why don't you cut it?" Duurrrhhhh?) Well, I can spend the $ elsewhere and I look like an even bigger dorkus malorkus w/short hair. Pin head.
Why can't it be a "rakish mop"? That's kickin' it old school- "My, doesn't he have a rakish mop?"

Naw. More like "Hairy douchebag". And I still fear balding.



NEW WORDS THURSDAY! (For no other reason than this Hair tangent is going nowhere)

gonnies (pronounced GO-knee's) Testicles.

mort- (N/adj) A dork, or lame character. I kiped this from Wizard magazine which uses it to describe uber-lame superhero characters. (Howard the Duck, Squirrel Girl, and-no shit- "D-Man". He was an Avenger for like, 2 ish's. He was just a frickin smelly homeless guy who was really strong. LAME! Shame on you, Captain America.)

fuckbake: (N/Adj) A jerk or asshole. Describes a situation. (This play is fuckbaked.)

buck-buck: (N/adj) crazy talker/funny talker. I discovered this one by accident. I used to throw "buck-buck" after duo-syllabic names 'cause I thought it sounded funny. (Ex: Bonnie Bonnie Buck-Buck...) My Indian co-worker informed me , after saying "Niddi Niddi Buck Buck", that in Hindi "buck-buck" means crazytalker. Or bullshitter. Or funnytalker. You are all now thinking of my name and throwing "buck buck" after it, aren't you?



Okay. Relief is now being sighed. I got called back. Now, all I have to do...is find out who I must destroy. BUH WAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Kidding, kidding.

BUH WAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Pinky, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Rock Rant.

A mofo-ing rock hit my windsheild today on the way to work. Not kidding, this thing was literally the size of a Bruckheimer asteroid. The kind of thing when it impacts you say "HO Shit!!!" with all of the air in your lungs. (Which I did.)

A miracle, really, that it didn't shatter or chip anything. My insurance agent would probably had a conniption fit.

I started thinking about how I could make a funny-funny about the agent saying "Hey, were you driving through Bethlehem and said the Lords name in vain or something?" (Get it? Anyone see "Life of Brian"? One of the 1st naughty movies my parents rented that they let me watch. "Jehovah Jehovah Jehovah!!!") Meh...I got nothing.

Car. Got stoned? Nope.

Grosser than gross*

* This isn't too bad, I promise.

1- The dude in the Mens Room today who, while in the stall, was jabbering away on his cell phone. "So, you want me to pick up eggs, milk, cereal and what else? I couldn't hear that last fart...I mean part."

2- (Cat owners may sympathize) Discovering your cat threw up on the carpet...by stepping in it...at 4am. Ish.

3-Butt Sweat. I have a fat kids metabolism, and with this warm weather we've been having I'm "a-trickling" by the time I get upstairs to my desk. Not-Comfortable.

4-Finding out that my coaching room here at the office has an access panel in it. Accessing what? The "Grease Exhaust" from the cafeteria. Yeah. I call it the "Triple bacon double call coach room"

5- What I used to consume as a kid (I promised you this) which consisted of:

• Arby's 5 for $5 (I'd switch up and get some with cheese too.) I can't believe it's "$5.95" now. Oh, and sometimes for fun I'd get 2 "Big Montana's"
  
• 3 Cheeseburgers from whatever fast food joint we'd visit. With Fries. And a Mt.Dew/Mello Yello to warsh it all down.
  
• Any buffet: 3 trips, minimum. Full plates everytime. Dessert? 2 trips, minimum.
  
• Doughnuts: My fave memories as a kid was hitting up D & D on Brooklyn Blvd or Jacks by NHCC for a donut and milk with my dad. (After a hockey game.) As I got older and I could go by myself...I would buy a dozen donuts. Share 3 with my family. And eat the rest myself. Same goes for donut holes. The whole box. Don't get me started on my former addiction to SA's apple fritters.
  
• Mt.Dew, Mello Yello, and Jolt. All the time.
  
• Hostess products- 'Specially Apple Pies. Then Choco-Bliss. Then Ding Dongs. (They were in my favorite comic strip as a kid: Bloom County.) I was also able to demolish a box of swiss cake rolls. I had a method of unraveling the roll and eating it.
  
• Whole Tostino's pizza's. I'd roll it up and eat it burrito style.
  
• Atomic Fireballs. Lots.
  
• Candy Bars. Loved me some peanut butter twix. When I had to sell candy bars for hockey, I scrounged around the house looking for change to buy me some. I ate 'em all.
  
• Lil' Brooklyn's was a restaurant in BC which touted the "Mexican Platter". It bragged that there was "So much food we serve it with a take home box!" My big brother and I demolished ours, causing the bussing waiter to quietly say: "Jesus..."
  
• Frank N' Stuf hotdogs. Usually 3 at a setting.
  
• Oreo's/Chips Ahoy. Usually a row and a half with milk. (I needed to save the other row for later!)
  
• My mom got a huge dark choc. candy bar in the shape of a fish as a gag gift at her work. She took a couple of bites and left it out. I ate the rest of it. Dipping it in Peanut Butter.
  
• My own ice cream creation- Chocolate sauce (Or magic shell) Peanut butter, and a full soup bowl of Ice Cream. My mom took to buying a kind that she knew I despised so that it would last longer. (Praline Pecan, in case you were wondering. Yuck.)
  
• Always two pieces of cake, or pie. Always ala' mode.
  

And the people at my work wonder why I don't eat the Krispy Kreme's they bring in on Friday's? Yeah.

Irrational Fears

This was born from a conversation I had backstage w/the Rice where we both discovered we have this weird thing about deep dark water (and undersea wrecks). Remember, these are legitimate things I’m afraid of…they’re just- Irrational. And oddly enough revolve around water, which I love (Yay Capricornicus Pornicus! The water goat!)

My teeth falling out: I have had nightmares about this since I had some dental work done back in ’97.

Great White Sharks: (And sharks in general) Even though Benchley regrets the portray of them in his novel (He's a big GWS preservationist now.) Jaws really effed me up as a kid. One of my all-time favorite movies, I am just terrified of the mo-fo’s. I’m fascinated and fearful all at once, so when I was a kid I read allll about our friend the carcharodon carcharias. And I have decided that with my future lottery winnings, I need to swim with sharks off the coast of Australia. Hoope die iee aas. (Shark off the bow!)

Deep Dark water/undersea wrecks: I’ve wanted to learn SCUBA after watching Cousteau docs on PBS as a kid. Checking out wrecks and reefs all seems cool, but for some strange reason it also seems a little foreboding. An example of the Deep water bit is if you’ve ever seen an anchor chain going from the stern of a boat going into the water…you can see it go down about 10-15 feet and then it just…disappears. And the whole undersea wreck thing? Fucking moray eels hide in that shit, man!

The undertow: Mom freaked me out about the undertow when we visited my snowbird grandparents down at the Gulf O’ Mexico. "It’ll suck ya right out into the ocean!" (She knew my predilection towards taking all my clothes off and running into the water to go swimming. As I’d proved on that trip, and the previous years trip to Disney World. Maybe she was trying to keep me safe?)

Low-head dams: There was a spate of boater drownings about 20 odd years ago as a result of getting trapped under low head dams. Don’t ask.

Red Kryptonite

Snapping turtle biting off my ‘nads: Folks caught one up at our cabin when I was 10 and it was an ornery cuss. The thought of one of those fuckers milling around our lake just freaked me out.
Getting pushed over the railing at the city center: I don’t mind heights, but I get weirded out at the thought of taking a dive over the railing. Same goes for the IDS.

Fire and Electrocution: I’ve been burned, badly. And with the recent kitchen renovations, I’ve shocked myself more often than I care to admit.

Broken Glass: Ish.

Forgetting Karate: I have nightmares wear I get my ass kicked by a 4-year-old with no skills. Or that I’m backed in a corner by some neer’do well w/no where to run. All punches and kicks are thrown like I’m having a seizure, and they contain no power whatsoever. I think that it is my subconscious telling me to get to the dojo more often.

Quicksand: Rent Blazing Saddles.

Portuguese Man of Wars: (Jelly fish). I saw one washed up on a beach once. Menace…pure menace from something like looked like someone made a bubble with grape gum and spit it out. See also: Flying piranha.

What're yer fears? Did you overcome 'em? Or "Face your Fears" which in French sounds like: "Fiss yur Furs"

Quick Fat Rant

Just to be clear. I think most of you know this anyways.

I don't think that I'm obese. I know and fully understand obesity and all of the health issues that go around it. And I know I am not that. You may have that impression by reading my blog, but clearly you need to understand satire.

I do not have an eating disorder. I love eating, and most of you know that we (J and I ) like to eat healthy. Some day (maybe today, who knows?) I'll bore you with how I used to eat or with what I could eat. But nowadays, organic lo-calorie and lo-fat food will be fine. 'Kay? Something that saddens and disgusts me are these "Cults of Ana" that anorexic girls are starting. Eeeeee. They just need help.

I have an ideal of what I want to look like. It is a practical image of what I can acheive with my body type and genetics. And yeah, it's tough when you are born with a natural propensity for weight gain (opposite of Kaiser) but that's what you gotta go through. If it offends or irritates you, tough hop.

I grew up a pudgy kid. Moobs and everything. (KWT's son and I had this bonding conversation backstage one night) Teased etc. Puberty was a blessing for me ('cept for the mullet of course) Folks, this ain't some excuse or a "Poor me, look at me wah wah wah". It's just how I was built. It didn't make me angry or bitter. BUT I still have a fat kids mindset, and a fat kids metabolism. (If you've ever seen my delightful fat-kid nipples, you'll know what I mean) I'm actual kinda glad being a pudge-pot was the only problem. At least I never got acne.

If I seem to obsess over fitness/exercise/diet understand that it is really the only way I can keep focused on it. Otherwise I will get lethargic, lazy, and turn to the neighborhood Toxic Bell for comfort. For some folks it's easy, others- not so much. I'm just not one of those terrific self-motivators.

I keep a couple of pics of myself around. 1, was when I was in shape. And 2 others- Not so much. (At least one of them, thankfully, I have a t-shirt on. But, I had 195 lbs. on my frame. I don't wear it well.)

A (recent) ex teased me about my "Chubby Gut" when I was stretching out a few years ago. When I said "That's kinda mean" she justified it by saying I was in better shape when we first met.

In terms of motivation and maintaining a healthy lifestyle= Having a dancer for a future wife is a blessing too. As is, I'm sure, having a marathon runner for a wife. Just don't practice your triple gainer onto the sidewalk. ; )

I am the most self deprecating prick I know. Deal. It's how I stay humble.

K.I.S.S.

People need to chill. Is all I'm saying. Holeee shitballs.

This seems to be justification week throughout the blog-o-sphere. So I'll add mine. Somedays folks, I miss good old fashioned face to face conversation/debate. Except I am not that terribly interesting in real life so I suppose taking up peoples time with my boorish tirades will suffice. Shame really.

Guys: I use sarcasm and wit (And I say those terms lightly because I'm not to good at either of'em) to try to make for funny reading. I keep it topical and shallow because really, there is too much serious business in our personal lives and this little world we live in which means it is SO important to not-take-things-too-seriously. That isn't to say I don't have a serious side, a political side, a snarky/mean side, a deviant side, a condescending side, whatever. But I'm not gonna pollute air and e-space with that baloney. It's not funny. There's a time and place for that campers, and for the most part I think my friends (If you would honor me by letting me call you that) like the nuttier side of me. I will not print real-real personal opinions and business because of people will invariably (A) Misconstrue it-Someone will always miss the point of what you're saying (B) Gossip about it-I fucking hate that (C) Get their feelings hurt by it (D) Get me in the doghouse with J,

I work at a business for 9+ hours a day and have a 2nd job on top of that. The WORST part about both is the tremendous amount of BS I have to chew and swallow on a daily basis just to keep my jobs. The one thing (my boss, of all people) told me that makes any sense is that "Perception is everything- People are going to screw up or not listen entirely to what you say so you had best make yourself as clear as possible while saying as little as possible." Good stuff. And hard, hard stuff for an ADD suffering guy like me to put into practice. But, I'm tryin'.

So, yeah. And stuff. Don't trip, yo'.

Pass the munchies...

Some days the funny funny just, happens.

Today on MPR, they were engaging in a spirited discussion regarding the government placing new restrictions on medical maryjane (simply put: DEA can arrest the growers and users) Wellllllll, they had people from two camps on to discuss- a US atty w/MN ties and a notoriously terrible last name….(Heffle-what? Sounds like a Pooh character) the other person works in the medical field in support of the growth and use of Medical Maryjane. Well, would it have killed them to add a 3rd person? The user?

"Joining us today on MPR are US attorney Tom Doe, Melissa Lunk with an Association that promotes the use of medical marijuana, and lastly self proclaimed frisbee chucking cheeba monkey: ‘Doctor Smithers’?

"Hey, man"