So I was finishing up a vaccuum job in my TV room, when I noticed right out the window a large dangling icicle. The thing had to be as wide at the top as the end of a Wiffle Ball Bat, and hung about 4 feet down. Now I had seen the thing for the last few weeks now, and thought that it was probably not good to have that weight hanging from the end of my rain gutters. So, as I wrapped the cord I started brainstorming ways to get it down before Spring.
Getting the ice chipper out of the garage seemed feasible. A few quick taps and it'd find its way down lickety split. But it was out in the garage, which meant bundling up and trudging out back...unlocking it...and bringing it back in...and bringing it back out (meaning bring it downstairs to the basement since by then I'd be too lazy to trudge it back out) I mean it was only two feet away! And here I was, right here! If I had longer arms than I already have I could have reached out the window and grabbed the dumb thing. Think, Actor-Pants...thin...AH!
One of the things I'm proud of is my collection of S-words. They currently reside in a vintage "Planet of the Apes" garbage can- A veritable umbrella stand for these edged weapons of savage beauty. Mostly replica's, we have a basket-hilt Claymore a Iaido, mom's old decorative belly-dancing katana. (Which RSVP broke the tip off of a while back and had to use dad's grinder to get it back in the correct shape. Whoops) a Mayan machete...all there. Knowing that they'll never be used for anything other than decoration and the occasional Baby P walking around his house on the phone swinging one around ridiculously...the cat staring...judging.
Hmmmmmm.
I prop open the window and grab the sword I'm least likely to worry about a scuff (the Toledo "El Cid" replica. It was cheap, as evidenced by the rusting handle and the fact that the hilt has a tendency to spin on itself unless tightened periodically) I can't see that actual landing area, but thankfully the central A/C unit is on the other side of the window. So reaching out at arms lenghth I summon the power of Grayskull and start, well, whacking the edge against the highest most portion of the dangling detractor. Me. The latter day bathrobed knight. If someone had a camera just then, they'd see a grown man- hair not yet combed and winging out at angles, teeth...probably not yet brushed. In a robe, sleeveless t-shirt, Santa-clause boxer's, and short "cheerleader" styled socks.
On his knee's.
In front of an open window during the winter time.
Grasping tightly the sill (Lest he, what, get sucked out ala' "2001"?)
Arm extended, sword in hand, delicately tapping the ice flow. Come to think of it, in the position I was kneeling I'm fairly certain my bits were exposed. So put that camera away- NOW!
Well it came down (wOOt!) and at the same time I was coming inside was when I heard a "BANG!!!" ...the sound of a heavy icicle hitting metal. More specifically- the Central A/C unit.
So swords and I...we have a bit of a manky history at best. In short-
1984- jumping up and down on mom's bed wearing a black ski mask and a black 70's track suit of my mothers, waving her belly dancing head-balancing katana like a maniac, poked myself square in the right thigh muscle.
1986- Dressed in camoflague, hacking my way through the jungle with a real machete' (read: Lilac bushes on the property line) coming back to hidden base (read: Fort cobbled together with random lumber and materials from dad's garage) I chop my way to the entrance (A large piece of plexiglass) and chop the top corner of the plexi- which causes a chunk of plexi to fly back and hit my open eye. (Scratching the cornea, resulting in my needing an eye patch for a few days. Yar)
1994- Buy my first sharp edged 440 stainless steel katana. I test the blade with my thumb. 'Nuff said. (At least I could put it back in the scabbard without offending the Gods)
1996- In my bedroom, practice swinging an overhead kote' strike. Strike glass cover over the light fixture, raining glass shards down over my head, cutting my arm.
1999- Stand ridiculously inside my apartment holding the same sword after hearing my complex getting broken into during a police chase and all the screaming. Me+Dark Apartment+ Polka-dot boxers+ drawn katana='s Ridiculous Squared.
2006- Chowie nearly breaks my forearm off swinging a shinai down on it full bore.
2008- Stage combating for a staged reading of "Hank da 4th part da first" and get cut. Do not notice until blood is freely running down my arm.
I'm a hazard to myself.
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