Hardly a Kingly sum, so Help...

Here's the deal.

Annual Reviews came about (don't get me frassin' about the individual bonuses that our company decided to, ahem, NOT give out this year to my department. Working my a$$ off only not to get a bonus. My whole consultant group is frassy!) well I get a raise like the rest of the corporate chum, and that coupled with my meager tax return means that, for the 1st time in many months, I have a little extra $ on hand.


Oh no! I'm not retiring just yet. However, what usually happens this time of year is two-fold: Throw a ridiculous amount of it toward paying off debt, and treating myself with a splurge. (Something I never do.) I'm posting this for a couple of reasons: 1)I'm pretty fucking terrible at buying things for myself and others (2) I thought if y'all see something on their that strikes you as ridiculously superfluous-that I haven't already acknowledged as overdon, you will talk me out of it...(That'll mean you big brother)

So far: I'm already squirreling funds away for credit card repayment. That's a given. As well as tickets to Cali and NY. (Reeee-Dick, how cheap they are going for right now.)

The yeah-yeahs (Some stuff I'm leaning toward which I'll probably wind up buying in spite of any and all suggestions, this is "Less Pricey" No, I can't get everything...so help a brother out.)

-Nice bottle of cologne. Maybe two. (Aqua Di Gio by Armani, or maybe a bottle of D & G. Both are snifftacular)
-Clothes. (Tan pocketed cargo pants ala' Dirk Pitt, I don't got. And new dress shirts/ties...maybe some new stain blockers to assist with masking my incontinence. And I just noticed a hole in my sweater...too bad frassin' stores have already pulled winter shite and stocked swim trunks. Frass) Having new T-shirts, Socks, and Undiepants always make me feel like a new man.
-Running shoes. (Winter running has taken it's toll on my outdoor trainers. I require "New Balance")
-New dress shoes. (Yeah)
-New sweat pants. (My gray babies have a biiiiiig old hole in the Crotchsky and Hutch)
-Renew my AAA Membership. (I'll need a triptych if I drive from San Fran to LA)
-Shop for storable perishables and frozen meat. (I can stock up for months. Months on frozen chicky boobs. Or have mom take me to Costco)
-Booze. Good Booze. Like Cap'n Morgan Private Stock, Bombay Sapphire, Patron Tequila, a bottle of Tullamore Dew....Y'know? Servables.
-New rib protector for karate
-Presents for upcoming birthdays (Be, Proactive, be-be Proactive!)
-A coat rack. God dammit.
-Curtains...I have no curtains, for the living room, TV Room, my bedroom, Jellybeans bedroom.... How can I say "It's Curtains for You!" Ehhhhh, next.
-Nice runner rugs
-Stain for my stairwell
-A new cell phone (Um, the tricorder is officially celebrating it's 5th year on earth. It needs retired. And I really, REALLY need a camera phone in a big bad way. Or at least something that doesn't have buttons that stick. Too much phone sex....HEY OH!)
-Oil Paints so I can actually paint a gawdamn picture and put it in the gawdamn Dykeman Hotel Frame. Still asking for suggestions!
-CD's (I've put off buying, but will get- "Do it Accappella", some Esthero, "Frat Jams"...you know? The classics.)
-DVD's (Don't get me started. I haven't even seen it yet and I think I need to own "Ong Bak")
-Nice Dinner ( I owe Dorajar big time and I'm thinking an Oceannaire or Ichiban visit is in order. Maybe Sushi-ables)
-Car fixed. (It's about time I get the head gasket fixed)
-Martini Glasses (FeeJ and I saw some hot ones on our "perfect day" shopping trip)
-New Candles
-Entertainment Memorabilia to decorate the TV room. (I need an Elvis Pelvis Clock)
-Matching skinny white nightstands for my bedroom. (And some more "Asian Flavored" Decor, like a big ass FAN)
-New lock on the front door.
-New floor lights
-New light for over my sink
-Dining Table Chairs.
-N0X Supplement

The "Not So Much unless maybe you get a winning scratch-off but try to talk me out of it anyway"
-Digital Camcorder w/Still photo capabilities. Or digital camera. I see too much funny not to be able to capture it. See the world my way, kids... It's a scary, but really funny, place.
-36 + Inch Flat Screen TV. I need something bigger than the midgie I deal with right now, which is an ex-roomie remnant and sucks.
-A new stereo w/multi-CD changer. Mine went kerflooey. I got me some good mileage out of a low end 3 Disc Emerson, though. Not bad at all. Low end is fine.
-An additional road trip to Chicaggy
-Patio furniture for the front porch and back yard. (I want something to be able to go out, sit down, and enjoy my coffee on the front porch in the sunshine. The back yard patio furniture will fit right-on-my-new PATIO!)
-One of those new-fangled cool looking gazebo-awning things that I always see at Target. My last trip to the Bullseye, this suburban mommy and I stood and oogled one and we both actually said "This thing is pretty frickin' cool". It'd fit right over my patio. Where the hot tub should live.
-A flat screen computer monitor and a new keyboard. Mine are HUGE and HUGE. A total waste of space. The 1998 model monitor and 1999 model keyboard are not only cumbersome, but aesthetically ridiculous for the sleek Compaq that I have. Girly? Yes.
-New Refrigerator from Appliance Smart. (Mine is old. Over 26 years old. And a huge energy drain. The interior light switch is out, so I don't know if I'm grabbing juice, water, or pickles if I go down to get water. I can get a better model for under $600 and they'd haul that old sumbitch away)
-New cabinet + overhead microwave with ventless range hood for over my stove/oven. Probably the most expen$ive thing here, it would really complete my kitchen. Out of budget, this is what homeowners get really turned on about.
-A small, comfy, L-shaped love seat for my TV Room. Dorajar pointed out the blatant "uncuddle-ability" factor of two, very uncomfortable chairs parked side by side.
-A corner TV stand for the TV Room. That white piece of shit cabinet is getting on my nerves, and looks about ready to fall over. Dark wood to match the existing shit.
-A runner rug for the stairwell.
-A new stairwell going downstairs
-Chain link fencing for the North side of my backyard, and privacy fencing for the front and the alley. (We build it)
-New front door and a new secure screen door.
-A tile wet saw. I'm going to be re-tiling the backsplash in the kitchen and doing a hella-work on the upstairs bath.

-Annnnnnd that 17 year-old Bulgarian Mail Order Bride I've had my eye on will be turning 18 in April...Hmmmmmm.

Gratis stuff....
-Help with laying down the pergo on the front porch
-Help installing the ceiling fans in 'Bean and my rooms
-Help installing that light fixture for over the sink...
-Help installing a fence

I'm easy. So, did anyone make it to the bottom of my selfishness? Any thoughts? Please? ADD Boy is hurtin'!