It's the day of the race, y'all...

Pip Pip! Tomorrow marks the first race of the season (for moi)- The Get in Gear 10K!
This is very exciting stuff as it marks the anniversary of the 1st race Moda and I entered last year before getting crazy nutso about distance running!

I'm finding myself fraught with introspection and reflection as the day approaches- it's been this pervasive and wiggling feeling of pride that I've been pushing back since getting back outside and running on the earth. The idea of "How far we've come". You know? Check it out:

Last year we were able to remark on our personal progress from race to race, viewing PR's and how strong we felt at the end. And the first race was going to be the first organized outdoor "run" either of us had participated in. We were going to get a "number" for crying out loud. And a t-shirt. They would know how fast or slow we were going with their computer machines! Madness!

And it was pissing rain. Cold. Wet. Rain.

I remember all sorts of crazy details- Would I get stretched out enough beforehand? Were my laces tied well? Were they too tight? Is that an 8 year old kid with a race number? And the people...I mean, I like to get my "crowd" fix at the State Fair once a year, but there I was in the middle of the street elbow to elbow with all types of runners. Such a strange feeling of being out of my league mixed with "Michael? You're just running." And then the horn blasts, the numb and damp crowd starts ambling forward and the pace starts to piiiick up.

It felt like the run was going to take forever. The longest run we'd done up until that point was the 8-mile trail trot at Hyland. And we walked parts of it. 6 + miles, even when doing it during training, seemed prohibitive.

And then it was fine. Well, not "fine" fine. We finished at around 1:03, looking like drowned rats. I was winded and nearly puked at the end. We were getting our gear bags when the half-marathon finishers blew us away with their announced times. Heck, I even had my first bloody nipple sighting. (Gross) The funny thing, was after the run we were exHAUSTED. Legs were on fire. Sore. Aching. Walking back to the car seemed like a cruel joke. (We gave the stink eye to people who were still springy and running back to their cars)

A year later, I'm actually finding myself getting pumped for this thing. Moda, D-Gang, FeeJ and I have all been keeping ourselves apprised of our progress. We've put up our miles. We've ran with our barefoot toots. And it's like our jokey nickname of "Team Awesome" should be more like "Fuck yes, we are Team Awesome" . (Although, I'm jealous that they'll be able to retire to the Triple Rock for a celebratory beer while I sit in rehearsal...rank, and smelling like a donkey for two hours)

Check it out- I was on a run a few days ago and I had just read an article Moda sent me about the group of marathoners who did an experiment in race-hunting. (Running down a prong-horn antelope. Apparently one of the fastest land animals) This kind of thing sort of puts things in perspective for me for when I'm dreading going out for a run, or on the treadmill feeling like a hamster.

As corny as it sounds, when I need to "dig deep" I think about the big names in distance racing and how many miles they put on in just a week. Goucher, Dean-o, Hill, Jurek, Davila, Meb, Geb, Mutai? They log 100's of miles weekly for training. And me? I'm lucky to make 25 if I'm feeling good. So I figure if the icons of distance running, the one's who are (IMO) examples of superhuman endurance and always all-smiles when they cross the tape? I figure I can go the distance and not stop to walk along the way. That's the part of my gut I pull from. That's my little motivator. And I don't think I did that before. I like that I can ease into this one.

And when all else fails, I have a kick-ass running mix.

And a kick-ass team.

Making dinner with things I find in the kitchen...

(Cooking blog. Fair warning.)

"Cooking with shit I happen to find in the kitchen".

Catchy, isn't it? I'm like a lot of folks who occasionally turn around in circles in my kitchen, open the fridge or the pantry numerous times with the hope that inspiration will hit me. Hit me in the FACE! What happens is I default to takeout, or Moda and I will toss recipes back and forth before hitting the grocery store to pick something up...and then buying an ingredient or three that I already had. (So there's doubles of things like coriander, mustard seed, vanilla extract etc.)

Moreover, I've "inherited" a bunch of food from my folks from back when they had themselves a Costco membership- Which means I have a lot (and I mean a lot) of canned and jarred stuff in the pantry and fruit cellar. And yet again, I wind up with doubles packages of everything when I don't bother checking what's in the larder before running to Cub for the "main" ingredients. So laying around I have cans coconut milk, chili beans, rice, and a disgusting amount of pasta.

That said, making pasta at my place becomes a struggle in creativity.Ievolved from making Ramen as a default dish to boiling water/using a whole box of rotini/dumping the jar of red sauce on top/eating it all. And within the last 7 or 8 years I've made valiant efforts in terms of edging away from a jar (and discovering the joys of jarred pesto)...which means I've been involved in some pretty atrocious experiments. (The genesis of this was when I was 16 and tried to cook for a date, boiling pre-cooked fettucine to death and pouring cold alfredo sauce on top. I did the same thing years later for yet another date who was a vegetarian and I made spaghetti with a melange of random vegetables. It was inedible. The trash can got sick.)

So clearly I'm not a fantastic cooking improviser. But I'm a helluva copy cat. And with that, I randomly present you with one of my favorite scenes in the movie "The Godfather"- Remember the one where Fat Clemenza shows Michael Coreleone how to make dinner for "A buncha guys?". He's making red sauce, right? (And film nuts, I know. Okay? I know how Coppola loves to incorporate food into his movies. Enough) So when we started gardening, I actually got the gumption to make my own red sauce at home with inspiration from that film by using the tomatoes and herbs from the garden and fully believing it'd turn out like shit. What I discovered? It was:

A) Fulfilling to make red sauce that you grew yourself
B) Easier than I thought
C) Tastier than Ragu
D) Not as messy as I thought. (I won't lie. I hate the mess. And making your own pasta can get messy as you'll see below)
E) Easy enough that even a flibbertigibbet clutz like me can do it.


So if you have a bunch of cans of tomatoes- diced/peeled whatever (Notice in the photo below that there are two different brands of tomato. See what I meant when I said I get doubles?) or when you're on a budget (read: "Po'") you can still play chef by making your own red sauce at home. (You can do it with fresh tomatoes, just make sure to de-seed them first before chopping them up)

I'll show you what I did and reference the food and utensils needed along the way:

What you'll need:

One 24 oz. can of diced tomatoes. (Or 2 small cans of peeled. Whatever)
One bunch of basil
2-3 cloves of garlic, coarsely chopped (The chopped and jarred kind? Fine. It'll just taste weird)
1 large onion or 2-3 small ones. (I had a bag from "Fare For All". I can frass about those guys later)
Handful of brown sugar
1/4 cup of olive oil
A whatever of ground pepper and sea salt. (To taste, I guess)
A splash of red wine (Optional, but whatever. Fat Clemenza recommended it)
I guess some spices from a generic spice rack or something. (To play with. I used some of the generic "Italian Seasoning" and "Oregano")

Tools- A large pan, sharp cooking knife, and a food processor. (Note: Everyone, and I mean EVERYone needs to invest in a good, sharp, cooking knife. Not just the bunch you get from Target. I mean invest, and keep the dumb thing sharp. Cutting crap should be as effortless as letting the blade fall across the veggie and you pull back your elbow to cut through. And the food processor? You don't need a $300 model, but for the times you'll probably break it out to make stuff? Not a bad investment. Otherwise, feel free to dirty up your margarita/daiquiri making blender.)



Prepare ingredients by opening the cans (If using fresh tomatoes, use 6 Roma tomatoes if that's your thing and cut into four piece then de-seed. Then chop them coarsely as well). Coarsely chop the onion and garlic. (See? "Coarse" in this case means "Not fancy and small". So it's easy. Get to da Choppah.) Heat the olive oil in the large pan over medium heat. Once it warms up a bit, put in the garlic and onion.

Babysit that pan until the onion gets a little clear (Don't burn the garlic) and sprinkle your herbs and brown sugar over the mess. Dump the cans of tomato in there with a splash of red wine. Lay the basil on top so it makes a for a good photo. Reduce the heat and let it simmer.



Once it starts bubbling a little, take it off the burner and shut off your stove. You'll need to be careful when transferring it to the food processor. (Clearly you can see that mine is a fancy wall-mounted model) So use a deep spoon and steady hands. On LOW, pulse the processor until the ingredients resemble the consistency of the shit you can find at the store in a jar.


Why low? Because as you can see from the photo above? You might wind up with more sauce than you (or your processor) can handle and it turns into a marinara sprinkler (tm). Put the superfluous sauce in tupperware.


Set yerself up for a fancy feast! Serve over pasta (I used farfalle) cooked to instruction. Serve w/fresh shaved parmesan or whatever comes in the green cardboard tube. Maybe with a side of garlic bread.

IMPORTANT TIP- Boil the water, cook for the allotted time, then shut off the stove and let it sit for another 3-5 minutes in the hot water. (Otherwise most boxed pasta winds up too al dente if you cook it exACTLY to the minute it says on the box.)

TIP 2- Feel free to "healthen" up the meal by substituting Barilla Protein Pasta or whole wheat noodles. Or, you know...just eat less.

Change is hard...and heavy (Pt. 3)

(Full disclaimer: As always, consult a physician or personal trainer before beginning any exercise routine- new or old. Or you'll die. No, I'm kidding. I talk about lifting pretty heavy weights, and if you do end up going this route make sure you have a partner or spotter on hand- or work with a trainer to determine ahead of time what you can do safely on your own)

So after all that frass and rigmarole, what's next? Combining Vibram runs with my low-cushion shoes was helping my race-training and keeping my knee's and joints healthy and hale. (Knock on wood) I was still a little frassy that the change in drinking habits didn't have a more profound affect on my bod. (Was I expecting to go from puffy-pancake to svelte with just one change? Well, yes. Actually) Moda was complimentary in terms of noticing the differences, and promptly started her training for her first full marathon- an endeavor I support fully- but wasn't even sure if I was racing at all in 2011. I was still thinking about going topless. And then once again, I find the universe speaks to us in strange ways. This time a couple of things happened in rather rapid succession:

-The costume fitting. I found out that I wasn't going to be running around like Tarzan with a pompadour and they were leaning toward the more traditional "Elvis" jumpsuited look. Still, the fact that I split the seam on the costume wasn't very encouraging. (pictured, again- Willem Dafoe backstage theater pose in costume change #2)


-I got super. Duper. Sick. In fact, I don't think I've been that sick/voice lost/wiped out since 1996. (Oddly enough, another children's show.) I looked back on my mileage on Mapmyrun over the last year and I logged a paltry 15 miles for the whole month of February. My priorities, however, were just being able to make noise when I sang.

And the coup de grace: My ass got fired. Citing missed days and an inability to be kosher with an actor's lifestyle, I was released. Sooooo...that was stressful. And I was left wondering "What Next"? So while I was juggling finding a new job, re-evaluating my life/work future et.al. I decided to make good on an idea I'd bounced around in my head the last time I was shitcanned- I'd use this as an excuse to start up a fairly intensive fitness program that incorporated race-training along with a pretty high-level weight routine in the interest of seeing if that had results.

See, I've always lifted weights. I've always been a strong advocate for cross training with iron no matter what your fitness pursuit- be it karate, pilates, yoga, running- whatever. It's good mechanics, and the pundits aren't wrong- You develop and improve lean muscle tissue and you'll conversely improve your metabolism in addition to strengthening joints/flexibility. You wouldn't be muscle bound per se, but you're improving the machine with which you explore the aforementioned "preferred pursuits".

Except what that meant to me since joining my gym was "Do a couple of quick sets hitting the whole body just to keep some muscle memory". (In other words, it was a 15 minute hiccup until I got my miles in) So I started doing two things: I increased the number of sets/reps - and I went heavy.

What's important to know, is that if you want to reap any sort of benefit from any exercise it needs to be at least somewhat taxing. That's why even though I don't consider snow-shovelling "exercise" necessarily- it still gets you breathing heavy and sweating. If you politely go through the motions of a weight routine with no effort, you aren't reaping the benefits. Period. (This is why, since the dawn of pumping iron, they say that you should work with a weight that is about 60-70% of your "max"- or rather- think of it as those last 2-3 reps should be tough to bang out)

One of the guys that filmed "Pumping Iron" wrote a corresponding book about "Arnold" that had a great quote in it describing how a teardrop of sweat was a permanent fixture on the end of his nose during his workouts. So while (for my part) I wasn't squatting the equivalent of the QE2, I was sweating. Not as profusely as a run, but I was getting sticky. And little by little, week by week? I was increasing the weights and number of sets I did. I was being careful to make sure my form wasn't compromised, or that I was "cheating". I ended up adding open-squats to my routine. Which was a first, since I used to always figure that my legs were getting worked out enough on my runs and that I didn't have to do a leg workout as intensively. And guess what? It started to be a bigger benefit to my running than I thought.

And yeah...the rest of my body responded to the shock, too. (I'm convincing myself that one nice thing about getting older is also that I'm getting stronger as a result. Nice, huh?

So what's the bottom line? The point? I could end it here by saying that I was able to run nearly a half-marathon distance during a training run a few weeks back and while it was tough, I was still mobile and was able to "go the distance" without stopping. (Or be incapacitated the next day) Or that even while someone squeezing your bicep is the knee-jerk way of seeing how "muscular" you are, I'm actually digging the definition and "hardness" of my calves and quads. (Although, polite society may frown on someone squeezing your leg. Recently I just dropped trou in front of Moda to show her, but we have pretty weak boundries)

I guess my strongest point in all of this, is that while it's taken over 7 months to work on and discover these new changes- it is possible to do it with some effort. The drawback is "yes- I'm spending a lot of my limited free time in the gym lifting" but I hope that once race training tapers off it will balance out. That the stipulation people put on aging and our bodies can be subverted. And that you end up with friends and a growing mutual support group along the way.

In addition to the improved self-respect with a smidgen of being a little happier in your own skin to boot. I'll be frassin about training in the weeks to come.

(pictured: The author, Moda, and D-Gang. Running buddies on their first outdoor partnered training run of 2011. And the weather was awful)

Evolution means changes (pt 2)

(pictured: Post-trail crawl after an incredibly hot/humid July in Afton, MN. Those sweat drippings are about 75 Proof)

What to do, what to do? I was stuck in a workout rut. When Moda 1st declared she was going to start race training and I valiantly joined her, it was for very selfish and narcissistic reasons. After all? You start putting on the miles and doubling the cardio, the body will have to follow suit! To hell with PR's! Bring on the six-pack!

Except, and this was apparent looking over pictures afterwards, the pounds weren't slipping off. I didn't resemble a Kenyan. Or steel spring. I still had that look of Vince Vaughn after a 3 day bender. Worse still, I was having the shittiest reflux you could imagine. Exacerbated by these super long runs. It didn't get any easier as we put on the mileage. On the contrary, getting out of bed was a pain in the ass. And legs. And arches of my feet.

And then...I lost my job. (A-gain) Or rather, I quit a lousy temp job for a new job and quit that one when the promise of a better one was around the corner...and then that fell through. Boom. So naturally I started freaking out a bit. There I was. No income. Zilch. And the only thing I could afford to do to keep my sanity was karate/run/work out/hang out with my mother. (Wait. Not that last part. Sorry mom) Moda was in full half-mar training with her new Nike Free's for the last run of the season so I made one impulse purchase in down grading from my old heavily arched Nike's to a pair of minimalist Nike Lunar Fly's. (More on that in another blog) In turn- My running grew a little easier. And come October, riiiiight before Moda's race I made another executive decision in the interest of shaking things up:

I quit drinkin'.

Now, before this winds up like an after-school special- All I did was re-evaluate my regime and make good on something I'd wanted to do for the last 7-8 years. Not being a young buck anymore, I couldn't pound the V and T's or Captain like I used to. I was getting tired of feeling like tired-ass on a Sunday after my Bloody Mary with breakfast. More over- and this will come as no surprise I'm sure- I wasn't the kind of drinker who stayed thin. I couldn't even claim to be cool or hip. And people tend to ntoice these things (The day after one particular party night, I visited mom who told me that my face- wait for it-looked bloated. Moda could smell me one morning during a Lake run...hell, even a co-worker or three could tell when I had been to a happy hour the night before. And those were the one's who were telling me, versus the people who probably kept mum)

Moreover, when you're unemployed there wasn't much else to do but stay home with a cocktail on house arrest and re-watch "Big Trouble in Little China". At noon. On a Wednesday. Through Tuesday. Hell, I ain't proud. That's just what it was. And here I wondered why my stomach was allllways frassy.

And that's when a couple of nice things happened. Not life changing or enlightening.

1) I became more productive. This has nothing to do with fitness or running, but I was less inclined to skip the gym if I wasn't feeling run-down or boozed up. I also finally made that previously mentioned Halloween Diorama I had been planning for years.
2) My running got better. Like, night and day better. Hills weren't as big of a deal and I wasn't getting sick or winded on longer runs.
3) I got a job. As a reward, I invested in a pair of Vibrams which I'll frass about some other time because they are the coolest f#cking training shoes. Period.
4) Oh. Right. I started losing weight.

Nothing drastic, mind you. 5-10 lbs. But I could button pants again. Jeans required a belt. The hanging chin tapered a bit and I got my jawline back. In the pictures that were getting taken, I didn't have to look at piggy little eyes. And the crazy thing of it, was that I was still frassin' about how I could make other changes physically. See, I was cast in my first musical in ages, and if it was like any other productions I saw there was a chance I'd be prancing around onstage wearing naught but a loincloth.

It was a little intimidating. So, more changes were needed.

Aging means evolution (pt 1)

(pictured- Unflattery. Pre-5K in July 2010)
Did you know that there was a time when I was a helper to folks who needed to start a fitness routine or wanted to lose weight?

It's true! I, the royal Me, was a veritible fountain of information of all things fitness (I was like a personal trainer "lite"). And Goddamn right I was. I've been lifting weights and living a healthy lifestyle since I was 14. I'm well-read, trained, and have a experience/experimented often and well in those years. I never had a six-pack, or that crap. Just an enjoyment of working out and a healthy diet.

The unfortunate drawback of all that is a bit of a bout of dysmorphia. Lookit up). Your old pal Mikey has never really been what you call "comfortable in his own skin". I've never went nutso about it except when I was in Jr. High and living off of only instant breakfast in the a.m. and pizza rolls at night- It's just a fact. I've an Endo/Meso frame and it's not easy to keep my weight down. No biggie. (Did I mention I'm over 30? Whatever. The stipulation people put on our bodies when we get older is way off base, IMO)


So the big joke is the two best diets are break-ups and cancer. That's a fact. And I am a super-emo-mopey-ass when I'm dumped, and proceed to spend my days not eating and drinking the night away until I'm over it. This, my reader, is how it was for me around 5 years ago or so.

And I was thin.

Like, for the first time since high school. I actually felt like I was in good shape. Sure, I was what my friends called an "unhealthy weight" (or a refugee camp victim, as AL says) but I felt good in my skin, you know? Even when my diet/eating came back I was still doing all right. I gave blood and they complimented me on my resting heart rate. I felt good. And fit. And I thumbed my nose at an old co-worker who told me it's all down hill after you hit "30".

Let's fast forward to about a year or so after that: I got a physical. And I found out some alarming things. (Especially when they'd call and have me come back for "more tests")

-I weighed around 195 lbs. Even when I played football in High School I didn't weigh that much.
-I had high cholesterol. I actually found myself rationalizing my diet to the doctor to no avail. (I guess fat free cheese and soup wasn't cutting it)
-I had high blood pressure.
-I was at risk for diabetes...and cancer.
-I grew an abcess in a (ahem) very delicate area of my body.

That, friends, had me bummed out. To a huge degree. I joined the local gym with my girlfriend, thinking that maybe it's a result of not having access to a full weight room or the ability to do cardio. (I was still running. Just not...a lot.) And then, more crap happened. (1) My S.O. and I went on a cruise. And (2) I had to buy a boat load of new pants and shorts for the trip- In much larger sizes. I officially couldn't button my old jeans. Also? Comments started coming up about how I "looked like I'd put on weight". I started looking at pictures of myself and really, reeeeeally not liking what I saw. (I started looking like my dad and my grandpa Ken.)

I avoided/tried avoiding pictures unless my head was tilted a certain way. Like the below photo, I'd find clever ways to position myself to reduce the overall amount of body I was showing. I got rid of/donated my old clothes including the tight hipster t-shirts. Shirts went untucked. Pant tops were left unbuttoned. And even though we had joined the neighborhood gym? Nothing seemed to really be changing on me physically.

In spite of being told by my girl that I should just be happy in my own skin I still felt a little like Sisyphus. I was doing my part. I was lifting. I was jogging. I was eating soup. I still ate healthy (I thought.) I was enjoying food and even allowing myself dessert every so often. I stopped my offhand-comments about my "chubs" that used to annoy my girl when I said them. It felt like I had a healthy attitude, but my body wasn't responding any more.


Here we were. I was 34 going on 35...and I felt I must have been doing something very wrong fitness and health-wise. And I was getting more and more frustrated that I was going to have to come to terms with the fact that as much as I'd envisioned myself as being "fit" and "healthy", this was how I was going to look for the rest of my life and it was time to start getting comfortable with that. (Pictured: How I pose when I don't want unflattering body shots to go on Facebook and they do anyway)

Mikeflix Review- "Your Highness"

Your Highness (Currently in theaters)

I just now realized the irony of having watched "The King's Speech" followed by "Your Highness" lives in the titles alone. While one is an Academy Award winning movie with stellar performances throughout, the other is just a nostalgia piece for stoners.

2 brothers (one brave, one stupid) go on a quest to defeat the wizard who has stolen the brave brother's betrothed. Hijinks and Hilarity (occasionally) ensue.

Again, if you grew up in the 80's during those formative years when fantasy films (Krull, Sword and the Sorceror, Conan the Destroyer et.al) were desperately trying to be taken seriously in a world that was still shaking from Star Wars and it's ilk- you'll probably garner some enjoyment out of this movie. The reliable Justin Theroux plays the evil wizard terrifically, James Franco still does well with comedy (His cheer of "F#CK YEAH" when he returns from his first quest was out of left field), and Natalie Portman doesn't take herself too seriously, even if she seems like she's slumming.

I'm just not a fan of McBride's schtick. It's like he knows he can play unlikable half-wits and chooses not to try and do something different. The one moment of earnestness that tries to get in the movie is actually touching, and the laughs- no matter how low-brow- are occasionally good ones. (The wizard/worm/molestor thing comes to mind. "Come, Come. Kisses!" Ish.) But when the movie grinds to a halt, it slams on the brakes.

At least it's short. If you want a nostalgia piece, re-watch "Wet Hot American Summer" (which turns 10 years old this year)to get your 80's camp movie fix. If you're hard to see this one with your frisbee-chucking chiba-monkey friends? Wait'll it's on Netflix. Better still, wait'll it's been out on DVD for a while so you don't pay for a new release.

1.5/4 Stars

All right, all right, all riiiight...

So I "liked" Matthew McConnaughey on F'Book a few days ago. (I went on a strange celebrity "Liking" bender, okay? I ended up with Jeff Bridges and Patricia Clarkson as well, so I'm doing my due diligence in my weird celebrity stalking.) All right...Truth is, while trolling F'book I saw another buddy had "liked" the movie "Dazed and Confused" so that ended up leading me to the M'Hey's page.

And it was comedy.

I'm like a lot of people that laughs at his expense: The impersonation Matt Damon did. The Family Guy appearances. The pointless shirts-off movie moments . The gawdawful Rom Com's where every poster looks the exact same. (I mean seriously? You do a great movie like "A Time To Kill" and follow it up with 14 years of tripe? I mean, "Frailty" was a good "weird" and had Bill Paxton in it. But the rest? Crap.) The HIlarious mugshot after his arrest for getting stoned, playing the bongos, and resisting arrest: Butt Nekkid. (Okay that was kind of cool.)

I mean, the guy just strikes me as kind of the Johnny Salami type you'd see at the bar or gym who gives off sort of a too cool for school "predatory checking-out-every-chicks-ass-while-his-girlfriend-isn't-looking" vibe...(There has to be a way to truncate that.)

And then there's the dude I like. The guy who likes trail running. Wear's Nike Free's or Vibrams. Who does weight workouts with rocks and whatever shit he finds when he's out running. Does pull ups on trees. I mean, it's not like he's a role model but at least he isn't a train wreck or staging a career comeback after years of drug use and alcoholism. Whatever. I can identify, man.

And yet his FB page is filled with the kind of bon mots you can't make-up unless you're a writer on "The Family Guy". I mean- "Cookin' today with Guy Flieri. Should be fun and healthy. Just keep livin'..." is all fine and PR-tastic. But the other night I bugged the heck out of Moda right before we went to sleep with my own list of McConaughism's. (Why my brain starts racing right before we snooze is beyond me)

"Went running in Costa Rica. Used a boa constrictor as a jump rope. Just keep livin'"

"Snorkeled on the Great Barrier Reef. Caught a few rays afterward next to the carcass of the shark I killed with my bare hands. Made it into sushi, then did bicep curls with a Koala. Just keep livin'"

"Ate squirrel with my mother. Just another Thursday night with the fam, LOL. Just keep livin'!"

"Smoked a doob that I was told contained the ashes of Ghandi, but it tasted like a mixture of purple Koosh and the dude that played 'Uncle Jesse' on 'Dukes'. Bunk sale. Just keep livin!"

"Punched a dude in the mouth for calling my girlfriend my 'Wife'. I hate that. So I did some push-ups. Just keep livin'!"

"Found a great new organic chest-waxing kit. Has a great flexible brush so I can get at my back. Looks like I'll need to return those gravity boots! Ha ha. JKL!!!"


Go ahead. Be morbidly curious for a while. I'll wait. And I'm not lying.

Mikeflix Review- "The King's Speech"

(Currently available on Netflix/Red Box.)

Right. Okay. Ha ha. This has already been in theatres and come/gone and the hoopla from last month during the Oscar's has died down. And this is going to be a simple review b/c, well...quite frankly...what everyone else said. My friend Adam said he went to see it when "Tron" was sold out, knowing nothing about it and walked out feeling like he found $1,000. I'm bummed that I couldn't get to see this one on the big screen, the last to show it being "The Heights" and it was the "edited" version. (Those who have seen it, know that cussing plays an important part in the narrative. I wasn't about to pay to go see the "Clean-flix" version, no sir.)

Anyway, this was the final flick on the Oscar's "Best Picture" list that we needed to view in order to say we saw them all. And why bother reviewing it at all?

This was an excellent movie. Compelling. Fraught with drama, hope, and some of the best writing/performances I'd seen all year. (How Geoffrey Rush managed that shitty "ninja" movie before this is a mystery.)

Rent this one immediately if you haven't seen it yet. 4 out of 4 Stars.

Well, it isn't July. You know?

I woke up from a terrible dream:

I was working part-time at a Christmas tree lot. I was steaming, b/c people shopping for tree's over the holidays were proving to be high-end assholes. (Over dead coniferous foliage. Go figure) A group of people came over to buy a nice Douglas fir and they were particularly over-animated, which lead me to believe they were actors. When theater did come up, the amped their dramatics up to "11". It was obnoxious, they started singing showtunes from the musical they were all currently in together, laughed a little too loud for being out in public, paid for their tree, and they were nice/harmless enough I found myself wishing them a "Happy Holidays" in spite of myself.

Except they forgot their tree.

At the end of my shift, my boss made me track them down via their credit card receipt and a lenghty online search process- and finally found their phone number. I asked the guy if he minded coming back to get his tree and he told me to drive it out to him (an hour or two away) as it was my problem. I told him I wouldn't, and if he didn't get it we'd sell it to someone else. He grew belligerant, I told him it made no difference to me, he cussed at me, and finished by saying "Well whatever for YOU. YOU'RE not even DOING theater. YOU'RE just shilling TUH-REE'S!!!" I told him to go fuck his Sondheim-warbling ass and hung up.

And I woke up feeling very dejected. After all, Christmas was over 4 months ago.

And I could see out the window, that it was snowing. Accumulated snowfall.

And then it all made perfect sense. : (

Why does nobody like me?

Here's a quandry. The other day, Moda and I were at the gym to put on some miles inside since it was b@llz cold out and we're creampuffs. We chatted with a buddy who mentioned that she was going to run her first half-mar in July which had us all goofily kerfluffling advice and good vibes. I invited her to join our outdoor group if she was interested once the weather got nicer and from that she mentioned that she actually really enjoys running on the treadmill versus outside. Baffling, right? That is, like, contrary to almost everyone I talk to who's a runner/jogger/racer. If we disregard the argument for a second that people who are looking to exercise say they "Hate Running" then we have the secondary argument for those fortunate enough to have gym memberships or at-home devices: "I hate running on the treadmill". You hear it all the time. And here's my dirty secret- I really, really don't mind running on the dreadmill. Swear. And while I won't go so far as to say I love it more than running outside- I will say that I don't mind it one bit in terms of fitness and training. And without boring you all with my history with the treadmill. (Jesus. It sounds boring just typing that sentence) I'll give you my top 4 reasons as to why, and hopefully by way of suggestion some of these might help you:

-Good form. For people who don't like running due to a preconceived injury or the impact feels stressful, most treadmills are designed with a bit of a cushion to reduce the stress of foot falls. If you're trying out running for the first time or doing it again, there are a ton of books regarding correct running form. (I know. One of the most intuitive things we can do and you need to learn correct form?) It's true. And if you spend every few minutes making sure you're landing shorter foot falls, mid-foot, with good leg and hip placement? The time goes by faster by keeping you more involved in your form.

-It keeps you honest. Unless you've invested in a Garmin or heartrate telemetry strap (or have some weird mutant ability to gauge your own speed/calories burned/mileage) you probably don't know how fast you're going. Enter the treadmill, providing you with all of that information right below your very nose.

-Change it up! Let's think about the issue that a lot of folks have with the dreadmill- Boredom. Whether you're working out for cardiovascular benefits, trying to burn chubs, or training for your first race- training on the treadmill can be a useful tool during the off-season or winter months when confined inside. And once again you have a way to stay invested in your run by doing speed work, tempo work, hill work. (Here's a list of the a few handy treadmill workouts. On a serious note? Doing hill workouts on the treadmill made me a better run and got me past my aversion to hills when I got back outside. Scout's honor.)

-You are right...in front...of a TV. I have no problem frassin' about my aversion to television shows. And in this day and age everyone is able to listen to podcasts, have their own play list, and the like. Me? I went waaaaay low-fi and picked up a battery operated AM/FM radio. Most gyms have at least a couple of TV's stationed in front of the dreadmills. If I'm catching an early workout, I can zone out to local news or "Good Morning, America". In the afternoon/evening? "Jeopardy". Sure they have ESPN on two of the five TV's at any given time and if you're trying to zone out to NBC on a Saturday morning the cartoons suck. Still, on my longer runs of 5 miles or more it's nice to have an hour long program to take my mind off what I'm doing and get caught up on current events.

By way of a post-script, you can always mix it up by doing the elliptical or stair master. The important thing is that to reap at least a cardio/fat burning benefit from your machine-oriented aerobic activity it should at least exceed 20 minutes.

Mikeflix- "The Other Guys"

***Review in brief, with lite-spoilers. Currently available on Netflix/Redbox*** The Other Guys Let's set up one thing right away: There's no way I should have enjoyed this movie. Of the two camps "People who like Will Ferrell Movies" and "People who despise Will Ferrell Movies" I fall slightly toward "like", but that's b/c I like his schtick. (I don't think drama is his bag, though. IMO) So I rented it with someone elses recommendation in mind and thinking that it looked like an utter turd from the get go, figuring at worst I could shut it off and update my queue. What I got, was a pleasantly surprising and not-too-formulaic tongue-in-cheek comedy. The easy plot premise is that the two idolized NYPD (Samuel "the Man" Jackson and the Rock) die, and it's left up to a pair of milquetoast loser-cops (Ferrell and Walberg) to solve a high-level financial crime. Hijinks ensue. I know, right? Even the box art makes it look stupid. And then you realize, "a financial crime? Not drugs? Not prostitutes? Not Czechen mafioso?" See, what elevates this is that it really doesn't rely too much on Ferrell's schtick (granted, it comes out once or twice.) and it has enough by way of supporting players (Michael Keaton as the beleagured police Captain who has to work part-time at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and drops TLC lyrics like they were bon mot's...and then denies he's ever heard of them- is a gem. Eva Mendes as the smoking hot wife of Will Ferrell playing it straight while he keeps calling her "plain" and Steve Coogan as the Bernie Madoff Knock-off round out the lot.) as well as buddy-cop movie nods with a twist (It lacks the sexiness of, say, a Gran Torino, but Ferrell's Prius makes for funny car chases.) Lastly...Someone tell Mark Wahlberg to keep doing comedy. I mildly b#tched about him in "The Fighter" , but he sports some great comic timing in this. Seriously. The conversation he has about Will Ferrell's collegiate "pimp-days" was laugh-worthy, in addition to his exclaiming "I'M A PEACOCK...AND I JUST GOTTA SPREAD MY WINGS AND FLY!!!". If anything does slow it up, it's that it tends to be a mish-mash of cut scenes. Some gags are pulled out juuuust a little too long. And Will Ferrell doing his schtick instead of playing it all straight causes more eye-rolling than laughs. Still, a solid comedy for a date night. Really. 3 out of 4 Stars

"Do you miss unemployment?"

Well, I'm officially at the end of week one at the new job and it's about what you'd expect from the 1st week. (Partnering, figuring out systems, finding the cafeteria, etc.) I've recently read that it's considered one of the most favorable companies to work for in terms of employee satisfaction/happiness and so far there's been nothing to indicate otherwise. I even joined the in-house gym (It's not cheating, Fitness Crossroads. It's just to kill time before rehearsal for the next few weeks. And they are dirty cheap) so that I can keep up my run training while figuring out what my actual schedule is going to be. So fingers crossed- so far, so good. (Of COURSE two of the places I applied to got back to me for an interview. I think, though, I'm going to stick around here if you don't mind- in spite of the drive to move folks to sales)

That said, a comment was made a few weeks back where I was asked if I "liked" being unemployed. (I was hemming and hawing over an offer that seemed like it wouldn't be a good fit.) So let's clear one thing up right away- I don't/didn't "like" being unemployed. What I didn't like was not having a steady income/ability to put $ away. And truthfully, that's about it.

See, I figured out this last period of downtime that I didn't want to just take any douche-y job that came up- even if it meant continued unemployment. Reason being, I don't think over the last 18 years or so? I haven't really enjoyed any job outside of the theatre. (I had a very, very brief run at The 'Artford when I created the quality team, was training, felt my input to the senior leaders was valuable, AND they had me travelling. AND I liked my boss a lot. And as a caveat, not all theatre gigs- And I'm talking "paid" gigs now- are aces. Let me know how you feel after singing and dancing outside in cowboy boots and a light up shirt in 104 degree heat during the summer come mid-July and you'll know what I mean.)

Everything ends up being about skills, or more specifically how happy are you at eating bullshit. And the economy of fear has people dumbing-down their palates. My big thing, is that I didn't want to dread going to the office. If I found/find a job that I actually enjoy doing? That would be a huge bonus. So I figured out some pros and cons after thinking about this for a few minutes, not to help find my strengths or establish a goal- but rather to say that being unemployed wasn't too bad. At least until the checks from the gubmint run out. So the list:

-The physical routine. After my last two lay-offs/shit-cannings, I learned my lesson well: Just because you're not a productive member of society does not mean you can start your day off with eggs and a bloody Mary. Daily. That's a recipe for heartburn/gut rot and that shit takes the motivation right out of you. While I like set hours (I like routine, whatever.) I was able to get up every day and hit the gym. Every. Day. And the last month or so, I started to truly feel like my body was coming together. And it wasn't a rushed visit. It was being able to do it at my own pace. And karate? Sheeeeit. I could hit the afternoon class where there weren't as many people.

- Cruising the internet without fear of reprisal. Especially for new work! Every company makes you sign off on that disclaimer that you aren't to use the interweb for personal use...including Pr0n. Well after checking my business and doing my due diligence with employment websites? It's off to frass!

- It's so, sooooo easy to go to auditions. Trying to get on-camera work is hard enough in this town. Trying to land auditions, book gigs, while holding down a 9-5? Dicey prospect at best. There's trying to tell your boss you need a few hours off during the day, and IF you land it there's taking PTO to do the actual shoot. (And many times, having a boss that just plain says "No.") If you want to land gigs, you can't piss away auditions...and after I got tossed from the last job one of the first things I did was call my agent and tell them to send me on as many auditions that come up that I'm eligible for.

-Never late, never worry. Meeting buddies for lunch is super easy! I could be on-time to shows b/c I wasn't worried about cramming in a commute.

-No commute. 'Nuff said.

-Bathrobes are considered "business casual". Of course.

- Taking care of business. I was able to really capitalize on projects that sit around and look me in the face on a day-to-day basis. The bathroom sink debacle? There's probably a good chance that would have taken over a month or two to finish otherwise.

-Siesta's Look, while I did do my due diligence in the morning, I fully acknowledge that I could have gotten into the depressing habit of sleeping in with my door shut every day until I went feral. As it stood, I would get up when Moda slept over and shuffle off to the gym so that I did, in fact, have a routine in place to get me out the door. That said...around 1...maybe 2 in the afternoon? I sure as shit listened to my body when it said "NAP TIME!!!" And like a good toddler, I'd go down for about 45 minutes or so...waking later and feeling refreshed. (This backfired slightly when Moda eventually asked if I was sick because I "seemed to take a lot of naps".)

So what don't I miss? Well, you spend most of your time on house-arrest b/c gas costs money, and you need to limit going out superfluously. So that's a LOT of your house to spend time in. And as much as I care about my roommate...well, you get to intimately know their routine and ultimately see a LOT of them. Which, for my part, is too much. (I recognize as I get older there is a little introvert in me that cherishes "Mike-Time".) There also tends to be a stigma that looms over your head...the one that says "UNEMPLOYED"...which can translate in my mind into "LOSER". Not the rule, but it could have been.

You're creeping me out, Charlie!!!

That? See that?!?! That, my friends, is "Creeping Charlie". To paraphrase my friend Mid-Town circa last year: "If it wasn't for the crabgrass and Creeping Charlie, I wouldn't have a very green lawn". Ain't that the truth.

This invasive bastard came around last year and like a demonic vine that spreads subterraneanly it has taken root and stayed. It pops up between my border stones. Gets into the garden. Chokes out all grass seed I plant. And is seemingly impervious to taunts, curses, and the elements. (Seriously. After raking, this was all that was green under the dead bed of leaves.)

I need an old priest and a young priest.

Or better still, someone with agri-knowledge that doesn't revolve around tilling up my entire lawn, hiring an expensive lawn-service to come out, or requires "bleach-killing" my grass and soil and doing an entire re-plant. So, to all my 2 readers out there- If there is someone with more knowledge than I, I bow to your superior wisdom and humbly request your advice. Even respond on Facebook if you can't do it here. I f#cking hate Creeping Charlie and I if there is one thing I take pride in like a Midwestern Hank Hill- It's my lawn. It's big. And I want it comfy beneath the toes.

That said, I had a big sprout-a-ganza this weekend. Moda posted pics already of the two rows of garlic bulbs for the viewing public. Here, you get a sneak peek of my early-season pride-N-joys:




(Tulips. Or as I call it, "Holland East". The bulbs were a gift from my folks when I first moved in. As much as I don't like'em- They have the staying power of lilacs and brown-out and die after a few weeks- I don't have the heart to uproot them out of honoring my folks. I'll post more when they blossom)

(CROCUS! Please, stop forking your fingers and banging your head. This is NOT the hair-band. Again, more bulbs from da'. The crokes are pretty, but I have these lame green spriggens that don't do anything. I uprooted a few last season, but the rest come back. No hate here. I just think they're dumb)

(Trap door bun-buns. Okay, so I finished the initial raking and thatching of the back-40, and while getting around the base of the tree I found a suspicious clump of dead grass and hair that started to come up like a cork...and then a little gray leg started kicking in the air. I cussed, jumped back, looked in my raked pile to make sure no bodies came up with my effort, and carefully stuffed it back in place. As much as I hate the buns around the garden, I hadn't the heart to flush'em out, fill the hole, or do much of anything except wet my pants. Over bunnies. Because I'm a bad-ass, weightlifting, distance running, martial artsing, lawn-raking cream-puff sissy.)
(These will be the peonies...which will grow, get too heavy, fall over, and die. The end. Circle of Life. Elton John can't write this.)

Mikeflix...

(Reviews are will generally be relating to flicks that are out already on DVD/Netflix with a smattering of Cinema visits. Hey. Movies at the local theater are 'spensive! Also, I'll try to get these out as I see them so you don't have to sift through 4 reviews at a pop...)

The weekly round-up: The Fighter, Pirahna 3-D, Easy A, and Tron: Legacy

The Fighter
aka "Boogie Fights". Why did I watch it? It was on the queue and we have been trying to get through a lot of the Academy Award nominated films even if they were from last year. Did I like it? Sure. A lot, even. Most of you know the story- B squad Boxer trained by his drug addict brother and blue-collar family gets a shot at the title. Hijinks ensue. The performances are compelling, Christian Bale shoulders the movie with his performance and while I'm dubious Amy Adams should have been nominated, Amy Ryan is dangerous as hell. What was wrong w/it? Should I own it? Meh. Marky-Mark gets a lot of press for the story of how he got the movie made but I'm not sure if that's a compelling selling point. It's a role he's good at, which is to say it's the kind of role we've seen him do before- which isn't a bad thing, but it's limiting when the movie is all about him. Rent it, but you should own "Boogie Nights" if it's comedy you want. (And really, it is a comedy, isn't it?) 4/5 stars

Pirahna 3D
What the hell did you expect from a movie about mutant pirahna, shot in 3D, and starring "Adventures in Babysitting" lady and the fat kid from "Stand By Me" Pirahna can't "growl", can they. WHY DO THEY GROWL AND ROAR UNDERWATER? As my friend said to me before we hit "play"- "You know this movie is going to suck, but I'm proud of you for seeing it". Think of it as a palate cleanser. You need deliberately shitty movies once in a while to remind you of how good movies can be. Okay why...what...why again? I have a soft spot for these kind of movies after being raised on edited channel 9 eco-horror films of the late 70's. "Pirahna" was one that scared me when I was 7 or 8 years old, especially that weird "bubbling chirping" noise they made before they attacked. Yeah, this was trashy and cheesy, but it doesn't set out to win an award and the practical special effects are ridiculous to the point of being enjoyable. For me. Do not buy this, don't expect a life-changing film, but rent it if you don't mind cheese. And who doesn't like cheese? 2/5 stars.

Easy A
Loosely based (and by "loosely" meaning "not at all") on "The Scarlet Letter", high school senior rides the wave of gossip about her promiscuity for fun and profit. For real? Yup. This was a recommendation by a couple of friends of ours and it wasn't too bad. An okay movie to watch on a night off if the weather is terrible. It's funny enough, the writing is sharp, the characters are fun, but if you want a smarter film along the same lines, rent "Saved". Should I own it? Not. At. All. Just rent it. And if you're a IMDB trivia nerd, you already know the biggest problems- Stop casting 37 year-olds as high school students. And I knew the smart kids in high school. They were my buddies. And I have a pretty clear memory of how we sounded. Annnnd no one sounded that witty. Hard to "just go with" characters that were almost all uniformly descended from Dorothy Parker. 2.5/5 stars.

Tron: Legacy
I suppose I could dedicate an entire post to this movie as a card-carrying nerd with fond memories of the original movie. (Seeing it at the drive-in with my parents back-to-back with "Raiders of the Lost Ark", or how the local ice arena had the "Tron" video game next to the concessions. Owning the toys. etc.) Since the hullaballo has died now that it's on video I'll try to keep this simple. Was the fuss worth it? Yes and No. The Dude's kid gets sucked into the "Tron" world, needs to find and save his dad, cool things happen, and Daft Punk writes/composes a sick soundtrack. You're oversimplifying, I take it. Sure. This is definitely a film that was made to watch on a big digital TV. (And for the first time, really for the first time since I set it up- it made watching it a nearly 2 hour "eye-gasm".) It was a treat to see light-cycles, the ships from the first film, the original cast, Olivia Wilde is damn pleasing on the eyes, and the de-aged Flynn character was a neat antagonist.

Neat, huh? Well yeah. With the clarity, even I admit he looked...a little fake. And I guess that was kind of the point, but it wound up looking like something from the recent "Beowulf" or "Polar Express" films. Also? Once again we see how the sticky gravy of "The Matrix" gets into the rest of the dish. We don't NEED every digital movie to have a kung-fu fight, okay? Right Should we own it? I'd say "yes" if you have the ability to watch it on a big screen. (Otherwise, I honestly am not sure if it will have the same impact) And a definite "yes" to the soundtrack. I haven't dug on techno since 1998 or so, but the soundtrack made me go "HOOOOO!". 4/5 stars

Warmer N' Dirtier

(Backyard, from house, taken 4/5/11. My best friend is convinced I need a dog to compliment my yard. A big, dumb, slobbery, hep-hep...yeah no)

I feel confident enough to pull out the plastic lawn furniture, the garden hose roll, and put away the back yard snow shovel...but I'm leaving my ice scraper in the back seat and the plastic is staying on the windows until May...

Truth. As soon as the last vestiges of snow left it was lawn and garden assessment time. (The snow melt not being the only meter. A few days ago I noticed that Home Depot had the cage open to their landscaping area...meaning I'll probably be spending so much time behind those green bars it's going to feel like Shawshank.) You're technically not supposed to start raking/thatching this early in the season, but due to the 1st snowfall having taken us by surprise- the evidence is clear that my work is cut out for me. So first, we run around the house and clear the strange refuse that blows into the yard. (Paper plates from Papa Johns, Ciggie butts, Plastic water bottles) Check the drain spout on the South side of the house to see if it's still connected. (It wasn't. More on the results of that in another blog) And start raking out leaves from the planters and the garden. I can already feel my shoulders seizing up from the excitement.

For your pleasure (I LOVE MY CAMERA)-



Rear house, taken from garage. In 3-4 weeks my yard'll be covered in whirligigs from that giant-ass boxelder tree.
Front planters. This Spring/Summer I'm finally cutting those blocks to fit and might-MIGHT fix one of my co-Voltron's paws that broke off in...gosh, 1987 or so? (I used the leaf-blower to clear them out. Easy peasy)

This is very, VERY important- Wear tough shoes when doing lawn work. This is what generally happens to retired running shoes. (Off topic- I actually took the expensive arch insert I used when I first started distance running and put it in these guys. Oddly enough, after barefoot/minimalist training these last 4 months? Running 25+ miles a week? And then wearing these douchey guys all day in the yard? My f#cking feet/shins/calves/knees KILL me.)

Composter contents. We composted well through the winter time and the results are one-full ass composter. (It's nigh on up to the top. Moda looked in it and said "Look at all the rich soil!" I had to correct her by telling her that it was coffee grounds.) Anyway, turning it with a pitchfork is going to be a bitch. Anyone have any bright ideas on bio-friendly compost speeder-uppers? (tm)

GARLIC NUBBIN! In another 2 months or so, these'll have some nice scapes on them for cooking.

There are always some casualties. This one was dug up by a bun-bun or tree-rat. I was mildly despondent, but Moda reminded me that we planted "a shit ton" of garlic last fall.


Probably my favorite part of Spring...grillin. I know people who grill year round and that's great. Once the cover goes on and the first snowfall happens, that's it until Spring. (Probably not the best idea for longevity purposes to keep it outdoors all winter, but what'll ya do?)


Did I mention that sometimes the cover goes on and you forget to take the foil off from the last thing you cooked on it? I think this was...chicken? Maybe salmon? I'm pretty sure this was back from when I was drinkin hard LQ and just couldn't be bothered with clean up. Grrrrrooooss.

How I know the world is going to hell...

Some bastard has requested they change the programming on my ("my") treadmill from NBC to CBS. Unfortunately, what this means is that instead of my steady stream of news reporting that I'm accustomed to watching (It meant that, while funemployed, even if I hit the gym at 8am I was guaranteed another 2.5 hours of local and national news.)

Well now it seems that the programming ends at 9 and we're served up a pile of talk-show in the form of "Ellen". I have nothing against her, mind you. I think she was funny when she did stand up, had an unfortunate run of a luke-warm sit-com when hit sit-coms were starting to peter out creatively. And her show was actually kind of funny- Until I found out she pulls "Jackass" level stunts on her studio guests for her own amusement.

i.e. She's kind of a dick. She might as well find new ways of throwing Bam Margera into a snake pit.

Anyway, out of my peripheral vision from my ("my") treadmill I can usually rely on the noise provided by CNN which gives soundbites of news followed by hours of commercials telling us how awesome their reporters are, when they had a commercial showing their next segment about the tragedy in Japan, the radioactive waste leeching into the ocean, and their special correspondent (wait for it) "Bill Nye the Science Guy" was going to share his thoughts on the subject.

This is akin to interviewing Ronald McDonald about the a large recall of salmonella tainted beef. And apparently, it's news. *


*Speaking of beef, I guess the Porky's is gone the way of the dodo. I understand the sentiment that goes with a neighborhood restaurant closing and how it affects the community as well as long standing patrons. HOWever, the abruptness in which it announced it's closing and the subsequent mobs that turned out (yes. Mobs. Complete with pitchforks, torches et.al.) feels like they cheapened the event and could have maybe planned their swan song a little bit better- meaning gotten a lot more dough. Instead, they decided to create a scene. And I guess I don't approve.

Pee Receipt

Did you know that you get a receipt for when you do your drug test? And that the technician really responds well if you are pleasantly mannered? I kid you not, I went in and did my business and she commented on my manners. How about that.

That, and it was sort of like the TSA process at the airport now. They don't actually make you empty your pockets or frisk you for contraband urine but they do ask that you take out all "pens, liquids, lighters, and chapstick".

Really? Chapstick? Would someone honestly try and taint their sample of pee with Carmex? "Bill! We have an anomaly here. There is a large quantity of glycerin in this persons urine, and it smells suspiciously like cherries!"

Hoooookay. In other news, yes, I did ask if anyone spikes their pee with asparagus pre-test. She told me that she didn't know, nor did she check.

My sympathies go out to women who do the pregnancy stick pee test. Even being able to point and shoot, it's a dicey process to try and aim into a small erlenmeyer flask.

My pee was really, really hot. Annnnnnd....gross out.

I gotta go bad...

So I'm probably jinxing myself here, but I'll frass about this quick anyway-

Funemployment can be great and all, but there is this strange and pressing need for an income that cannot be circumnavigated. And in the last two years, I've been in the same boat a few times and it never, ever, changes. You do your due diligence, of course. Hound the temp agencies. Comb through Monster and Careerbuilder...and the disappointing Classifieds. And when they call you, you need to keep cool, Fonzie. Do NOT sound desperate. Do NOT let them hear your tail wag. And above all, be wary of your own pride. (It's hard to not jump at the first s#it job they throw at you. )

So I was fairly surprised when the in house temp company who originally hired me on my last contracted fi-DOUCHE-iary assignment called me in for...the strangest thing. I'll frass about it more tomorrow if/when I confirm the po-po, let's just say that they said it's mine after I fill out the background check and take a drug test.

Wait whaaaaat?

So this is really no big deal, except it makes me feel like I've got to answer the riddle of the Sphinx beforehand (after all, it is a test) and it gives me the same, weird, deep-seated anxiety that you get when you see a cop car flash their lights behind you before they pass you up, or when the truant officer would say "Michael, the principal would like to see you". (When really it's about the d-bag you walk to school with who had chewing tobacco in his backpack) I mean I even feel like they'll call me out for that time I was 12 and ate almost an entire bottle of Children's Tylenol because they tasted like Smarties.

I guess it strikes me as weird in this day and age that the ability to determine if you have drugs in your body is a factor in whether they need you to work in a corporate setting. You'd think they'd either want you mega-sedated to help alleviate the tedium of being a cube-jockey or hopped-up on goofballs to improve your productivity.

They'll be sore disappointed when they find an NO2 based active-male multi-vitamin, and herbal ech/ginseng, and possibly dark chocolate. (I should probably skip the "everything" bagel from Brueggers beforehand, huh?)

And am I an asshole for wanting to eat a lot...and I mean a lot of asparagus before I go in?