All right, all right, all riiiight...

So I "liked" Matthew McConnaughey on F'Book a few days ago. (I went on a strange celebrity "Liking" bender, okay? I ended up with Jeff Bridges and Patricia Clarkson as well, so I'm doing my due diligence in my weird celebrity stalking.) All right...Truth is, while trolling F'book I saw another buddy had "liked" the movie "Dazed and Confused" so that ended up leading me to the M'Hey's page.

And it was comedy.

I'm like a lot of people that laughs at his expense: The impersonation Matt Damon did. The Family Guy appearances. The pointless shirts-off movie moments . The gawdawful Rom Com's where every poster looks the exact same. (I mean seriously? You do a great movie like "A Time To Kill" and follow it up with 14 years of tripe? I mean, "Frailty" was a good "weird" and had Bill Paxton in it. But the rest? Crap.) The HIlarious mugshot after his arrest for getting stoned, playing the bongos, and resisting arrest: Butt Nekkid. (Okay that was kind of cool.)

I mean, the guy just strikes me as kind of the Johnny Salami type you'd see at the bar or gym who gives off sort of a too cool for school "predatory checking-out-every-chicks-ass-while-his-girlfriend-isn't-looking" vibe...(There has to be a way to truncate that.)

And then there's the dude I like. The guy who likes trail running. Wear's Nike Free's or Vibrams. Who does weight workouts with rocks and whatever shit he finds when he's out running. Does pull ups on trees. I mean, it's not like he's a role model but at least he isn't a train wreck or staging a career comeback after years of drug use and alcoholism. Whatever. I can identify, man.

And yet his FB page is filled with the kind of bon mots you can't make-up unless you're a writer on "The Family Guy". I mean- "Cookin' today with Guy Flieri. Should be fun and healthy. Just keep livin'..." is all fine and PR-tastic. But the other night I bugged the heck out of Moda right before we went to sleep with my own list of McConaughism's. (Why my brain starts racing right before we snooze is beyond me)

"Went running in Costa Rica. Used a boa constrictor as a jump rope. Just keep livin'"

"Snorkeled on the Great Barrier Reef. Caught a few rays afterward next to the carcass of the shark I killed with my bare hands. Made it into sushi, then did bicep curls with a Koala. Just keep livin'"

"Ate squirrel with my mother. Just another Thursday night with the fam, LOL. Just keep livin'!"

"Smoked a doob that I was told contained the ashes of Ghandi, but it tasted like a mixture of purple Koosh and the dude that played 'Uncle Jesse' on 'Dukes'. Bunk sale. Just keep livin!"

"Punched a dude in the mouth for calling my girlfriend my 'Wife'. I hate that. So I did some push-ups. Just keep livin'!"

"Found a great new organic chest-waxing kit. Has a great flexible brush so I can get at my back. Looks like I'll need to return those gravity boots! Ha ha. JKL!!!"


Go ahead. Be morbidly curious for a while. I'll wait. And I'm not lying.

How I know the world is going to hell...

Some bastard has requested they change the programming on my ("my") treadmill from NBC to CBS. Unfortunately, what this means is that instead of my steady stream of news reporting that I'm accustomed to watching (It meant that, while funemployed, even if I hit the gym at 8am I was guaranteed another 2.5 hours of local and national news.)

Well now it seems that the programming ends at 9 and we're served up a pile of talk-show in the form of "Ellen". I have nothing against her, mind you. I think she was funny when she did stand up, had an unfortunate run of a luke-warm sit-com when hit sit-coms were starting to peter out creatively. And her show was actually kind of funny- Until I found out she pulls "Jackass" level stunts on her studio guests for her own amusement.

i.e. She's kind of a dick. She might as well find new ways of throwing Bam Margera into a snake pit.

Anyway, out of my peripheral vision from my ("my") treadmill I can usually rely on the noise provided by CNN which gives soundbites of news followed by hours of commercials telling us how awesome their reporters are, when they had a commercial showing their next segment about the tragedy in Japan, the radioactive waste leeching into the ocean, and their special correspondent (wait for it) "Bill Nye the Science Guy" was going to share his thoughts on the subject.

This is akin to interviewing Ronald McDonald about the a large recall of salmonella tainted beef. And apparently, it's news. *


*Speaking of beef, I guess the Porky's is gone the way of the dodo. I understand the sentiment that goes with a neighborhood restaurant closing and how it affects the community as well as long standing patrons. HOWever, the abruptness in which it announced it's closing and the subsequent mobs that turned out (yes. Mobs. Complete with pitchforks, torches et.al.) feels like they cheapened the event and could have maybe planned their swan song a little bit better- meaning gotten a lot more dough. Instead, they decided to create a scene. And I guess I don't approve.