Day Four- Anxiety, Purging, and beacon # 1

There is a weather advisory today. It's overcast, getting chilly, and I don't want to get out of bed. I wait a while until I hear the Bean leave for work, try to settle back in, and can't. I let Moda have more of a lie-in since she has the day off for a PWC gig, grab some coffee, and start to read. When she wakes and finds me in the command center she says I look sexy. True, I've let the facial hair go since Sunday...but my reasons are "if I'm gonna be jobless, I might as well look like a hobo".

She makes breakfast and as we act like good girlfriends and drink coffee while watching "The View". (Background noise, people. I've already checked my Yahoo account 4 times before 10am) I ask casually why there are so many school closings listed to which she responds that there is a snow emergency. Glancing outside at the melty backyard I snerk about how that's a good excuse.

I start to feel nauseous again, and also a little panicky. It's kind of ridiculous, but I'm gonna be alone in the house all day. She tells me that she'll grab me lunch and I can come watch if it's an open audience performance. I feel like my gratitude is glowing. I call dad thinking I'm gonna get a couple of options and instead get an earful on Unemployment and pursuing it through my old HR department. Some choice words are tossed, and 45 minutes later I feel greater waves of nausea and hopelessness. I go down stairs and start to clean out the two Fed Ex boxes (Again, I'm determined not to leave shit about the place and sulk. Move, buddy) When that's done, I try back AcctTemps. Success. They refer me to another number and we go through a get-to-know you interview. He tells me that it's tight, but he'll send me some info and online app stuff and let's have a live interview on Monday.

Sweet.

The sweetness is cut short when I go to throw anything from the old place that has a deer on it in the trash when I take a spill on an icy patch and nearly get bowled over by gale blowing snowy winds. I stand there for a moment, and once again create a maudlin scenario like "This weather reflects my sooooul..." Except I'm not that emo.

I think it's amazing that 3 minutes outside has coated my hair in snow and my sweatshirt is damp. Upon stripping down and toweling off was when finally the dry heaves pay off with the loss of my breakfast burrito. I spend the part of the afternoon curled fetal on my bed until I go down to get some water. I call Moda and cancel plans and stay curled up in the command center. Feeling really isolated. I make it outside to shovel and the Bean drives up asking for grocery requests. He doesn't budge until I give him one item, so I relent and ask for bananas.

I spend the early evening on the couch, vascillating between Return of the King (Still tear up at the end. Shup) Smallville, and some lame ass JLo movie on TBS. It's weird, but I'm waiting up for Moda and I'm not even sure if she's gonna arrive. So I call her to make sure she got home safely, and I call it a night.

And realize I hadn't eaten anything all day since breakfast. And I'm still not hungry.