Car F#cker...

Whatever floats your boat, dude:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1127072wong1.html

Winter blooze...

(Courtesy Cracked.com's 9 most Bad-Ass Bible Versus...which again, made me laugh out loud at work.)

Okay, so yesterday I quick like a bunny checked the weather since I noticed the frost gathering on my stairwell window and sure enough- it was FOUR degree's with a TEN BELOW windchill.

Frump.

It just feeeeeels like it's getting (not just) colder than previous Fall/Winter's when I could jog in shorts until mid-December. I chattered a bit on the drive to and from work, angry that my hands were hurting and I would have to forgo a jog before company arrived.

Company was had (Fon-Do night. Who knew? FeeJ, Mags, Moda, D-Baby, 'Lis, CRT, and eventually Lars showed up. I provide the shelter-They provide the booze N' niblets. Deeeeelish.) and when I took out the trash? Yup. Still reeeeeeally nipply.

So this morning, bloated and stuffed from wine and cheese fondue I find my long undies in the dark (Noticing in the bathroom that I looked like a lumpy sausage stuffed into its casing by an amateurish butcher...I mean they were TIGHT! Like, compression panty hose for varicose vein sufferer's...only momentarily realizing that they were a size x-tra small that were grabbed by accident and have found a place crammed at the back of my undiepant drawer for YEARS!)

I threw on my thick-gray zippered cardigan, busted out my 12 year old Columbia jacket worn only on the truly frigid mornings, thick gloves, scarf, and head wrap...loaded up my satchel with soup and prepared myself to truly enjoy the warmth my coffee would bring...stepped outsiiiide...

Huh. It doesn't feeeeeel as cold as yesterday. And sure enough, news and weather announces that it's almost 30 degrees out with practically no wind. Practically balmy.

And so, I drove to work with the heat off. Sweating. With the window cracked. So now I'm an over dressed sausage sitting at my desk.

Wart. The. Fork.

The Mist

I don't even wanna spoil it. Moda and I caught a matinee (Hey, ADHD here: WTF was their a fricking propaganda music video for the National Guard? And it was a long video. Loooong. Which glamorized the Guard to the point of making them seem like the A-Team on a cocktail of Steroids and Red Bull.)

The matinee, was the recent release of the King novella "The Mist".

And it still has been sitting with me, 3 days later.

Oof. You know how the horror movies lately have been pretty much slasher p0rn? Or torturey gore-fests aimed to shock the viewer and give KNB more F/X work? And every so often a flick will sparkle out of the rest like a diamond in the mud. It'll scare your brain. It'll make you jump. And will usually defy any jaded expectations-

"The Mist", did just that. And not because of the horrible (and oh yes, they are pretty nasty) beasties. It was horrible to watch the division which occured in such a claustrophobic place. It was how you think "Oh my...they're in some pretty deep s#it, but they'll get out of it b/c that's what people in these movies do. They're trapped in a grocery store, after all. Plenty of vittles to go round." And then you get your first glimpse of what they're dealing with. And you're thinking "Oh f#ck. Just shut the door and get away" And you think. Well, there's that.

But then the claustrophobia sets in. And then night falls on the first day. And you think "Well, it's still misty. Guess there'll be some more beasties. Awwwww, they're kinda cute"

And then they get in.

And then some very practical and real issues come up. And some awful decisions. And strained promises to people who are counting on the protaganist to be the person who makes everything right.

And then the division of the people. And my favorite quote of the whole film "People are fundamentally insane". When the power goes out and you're attacked by unnatural creatures, it's pretty easy to use "Old Testament God's wrath" as your explanation. And those people? Were, for me, the scariest motherlovin' part of the entire film. "Those" people. Because when you're trapped with out any chance of possible salvation? The last people you want to be with are spitting gibbering people throwing a bible in your face.

And they made the most unlikely person an action hero.

Lastly? The. End. THAT'S what sealed the deal when I wondered what was going to make this one of the best flicks in 2007 that I had seen. It hit...like a sucker punch. And it did two things for me:

1- Amazed me that the studio would allow that kind of ending in a movie and...
2- Made me respect the b@lls on the director for scripting an ending like that in the first place.

Holy. Moses.

So check it out if you can. It has the pre-requisite jumps and "OH GOD'S!" and some blood. But be warned, this is a terrifying film with a very, VERY intense undercurrent for the 2 hours you're watching it.

Wow...

So in the last 24 hours, I have done the following:

Raked and cleared the front yard of rubbish, causing my neck/shoulders/arms/back to be frassy today. Soreness pie.

Had a s#itty-and I mean S#ITTY audition at TeRP. I don't wanna even talk about it.

Came home, and whilst hustling upstairs stubbed-nay-probably broke my right big toe.

Went to do business/get some water early this a.m. and again, smacked the top of my left foot- bruising tendons. I can barely put weight on it.

As a result of said injury (at 3:30 am) I didn't fall back asleep. Well, the purring kitteh who went from wrapping his body around my head and turning into a motor boat...then went down to the end of the bed and hogged my side didn't help much.

Went to go smooch Dorajar awake and hit my knee on the corner of the Chinese carved trunk at the foot of my bed.

If and when you see me, please don't ask why I am wearing protective equipment. I'm a hazard to my self.

Weird...cute, but weird...

What I thoooought I overheard my co-worker say was "Scuttle Butt Muffin Tops"...

But she was really referring to this:
http://www.cuddlebugbaby.com/html/muffinhats.html

"Cuddle Bug Muffin Hats". We're having this informal competition, see? We post as our desktop wallpaper pictures of our respective nephew (moi) and her grandkids (Of which, there are triplets) I was currently leading the way with him hulking out at the pumpkin patch and have continued to lead the way with "Pirate Baby" in his crib ("Yar...don't be tryin' ta take me binky...yar...") But now, b/c the triplets don't have hair, she's resorted to cheating by ordering cuteness pie hats off the web.


I will not be defeated.

"The Fountain": A review (SPOILERS)

So after a weekend of car trouble (Friday) Seeing Thuglet and the rest of the Choppers of Pork at a Porkchop Saloon Reunion, then seeing "Voltron in Show Business" (Which you should all. Go. See. It's not every day you see your girlfriend make out with a hot blonde on stage. Sitting next to her father) I capped off the weekend at Redwrights- Drinking, eating, soaking, and watching the Vikes retire whatever scrap of feces they call dignity at Lambeau. (And I'm sorry. You're already decimating our team. Let's not cheap-shot clip our one rookie franchise player and incapacitate him for the remainder of the season. True, it's hyperbole...but let's watch the knee's...shall we? AND KICK AN EFFING FIELD GOAL!!! Get SOME points on the board. D#uche's. Get someone who can call plays. Here, wait...let me call the Mpls Park and Rec department. Their little leauger's would probably provide a more entertaining game.)

Ahem

So after some pigskin action, I figured taking in a cerebral sci/fi flick'd be a hot ticket. It was early, I was kinda tired, and the premise seemed interesting.

"The Fountain": (Short review)
Wolverine commits acts of arborphilia in outer space.

I'm not s#itting you, at one point he almost full out makes out with a tree. WTF? If you're going to make a beautifully shot (And it was beautiful, make no mistake) sci-fi film about time travel, the tree of life, and a smoking hot Rachel Weisz...at least let it make sense. This was chock full of phallic imagery -"Oh look, Mr. Injured Conquistador FINDS the tree of life and pierces it with his (d#ck) knife while the tree ejaculates a strangely thick white gooey substance which cures his wound and turns him into Swamp Thing by Bachman's."

And future Huge Ackman makes out with (read: Eats the bark...heh. He's not even supposed to be crazy...I thought only Margot Kidder or Anne Heche did that?) a tree, does Tai Chi, and talks to himself in the lotus position. Basically it takes the last 20 minutes of 2001 and shakes it like a snow globe before throwing it at you, rendering you unconscious.

Did I mention Huge plants a tree seed in his beloveds grave? Just by scooping up the earth. The frozen, ice packed earth?

Now, I feel bad b/c they have a featurette showing how this movie was in development hell for years. Once even going so far as to showing the meeting the producers held telling the production staff that as of that moment...they were out of a job. And that just seemed like an SNL skit gone wrong. ("We're secretly letting you in on the meeting where we do a MASSIVE layoff! Next on "Some Random Ford Plant's Funniest Home Video's!" )

I tried to stick it out. Really I did. But I actually felt dumber when it was done, and actually thought that I'd rather watch "Requiem" again (The movie dubbed "The greatest, most beautiful, disturbing film I have ever seen...and never want to view again.")

Avoid it. Please. I took one for the team watching this. You owe me. Money.

Yeah Yeah...

I'm lame. Shup. Nothing too excitable has happened. Show's over. Houses were admirable. Bowling in Ninja garb was done. (Pictures/Film...Chowie. I can has?) I had a lil' soiree' Saturday night (And by little, after the first hour when folks hadda split for their respective gigs it was Chowie and I bs'ing in the back yard and frassin' on the rope swings. Booze and parties tend to bring that out in people)

H'ween was passed rather unremarkably (What happened to me? I stayed in wearing a Monksrobe handing out treats and watched "The Shining" Mad props to the kids wearing ninja garb, and the 14 year old girl who said "I'm Amy Winehouse". Extra candy to them)

I was 1/3 of the way through completing my porch when I ran out of pergo, only to discover nobody and I mean NObody carries the same brand any more unless it's the expensive assed kind from the website. Frack.

FeeJ is hooking me up with a warshing machine. Pip Woot hollah. Any strong back with a truck would be appreciated. I imagine she needs it gone toute suite and I'm tired of having to go to the laundromat. Anyone know a good way of getting an old heavy assed model up a flight of rickety stairs? I worry.

Redwright and his Fredliness celebrated their 25th anniversary last night on Guy Fawkes day. It was lovely. Ma und Pa were my date. Karaoke was had. Cocktail weenies and meatballs were consumed. As was copious amounts of liquor. Pretty people were ogled and groped. There were no less than 5 SSGF's in attendence. I was happy as a mongoose. Congratulations you two. Many happy years to come.

Lastly, is it so weird that I should pine for this? (Simply for nostalgia's sake):
http://www.amazon.com/Sesame-Street-Vol-School-1974-1979/dp/B000UNYJTK?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1188162599&sr=1-2

I mean...s#it. This is precisely smack dab during the time when I'd have been figuring out that "C" truly is for "Cookie". I mean, you can't f#ck with that logic...can you? (And for the record, my NSHO? It's cookie. NOT carrot. PC f#cko's. Let kids be kids, kay?) And that some episodes were actually-wait for it- BROUGHT to you by the letter P or the number 2. Many of my reader's may aspire to bring episodes to the masses, but nobody and I mean nobody can do it like those letter's and numbers. Chumps. (And btw...I don't want this. Mom, I know you're reading this but I really do not want.)

Lastly, I was racked again with insomnia the other night. The 45 minutes I did sleep were filled with dreams of graboids, fire ants, saving kids, parties with green lights, and scavenger hunts.


Dorajar's show opens this weekend. Go see "Voltron in Show Business" if you wanna see my SO engage in hot girl/girl lovin'...IJS.

Pip Pip...REVIEW'D

Review - Sun Tzu’s The Art of War - No Refunds Theatre Co. - 5 Stars
Oct 22, 2007
“If you are not in danger, do not fight.”If you’re missing that Fringey feeling of great guerilla theater, or, heck, if you just need a really good laugh (with some formidable brains and talent behind it), have I got a show for you. That show would be No Refunds Theatre Co.’s staging of the classic military strategy text, Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War.”No. Really.Actually if you want a laugh, it begins with the program - an almost completely fabricated biography of the original author, cheeky bios under the heading “Who The Hell Are These People?,” and a director’s note that is largely just a picture of one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles above the words - “Sun Tzu is Chinese. Ninjas are Japanese. I know. I don’t care.”This disclaimer is necessary because while the text is almost entirely drawn from Sun Tzu’s book (minus the introduction and conclusion of the play), it is largely performed with the help of No Refund’s signature characters, the ninjas. Charlie Bethel, well-known for his whipsmart one-man adaptations and performances of classics such as Beowolf and Tom Thumb, adapted the book with director Matt Dawson, and the collision of the two styles works wonderfully well.

Playing what would be the traditional Charlie Bethel role of host/narrator/creator of characters in this production is the urbane John Middleton, much of the time wielding humor as dry as a perfect martini. In opposition to Middleton’s self-possession is a trio of whacked-out ninjas clad from head to toe in black, only their extremely expressive eyes showing. The ninjas are Kiseung Rhee (so great in the recent Nightpath reimagining of “Measure for Measure”) as most of the royal characters, Mike Postle as Sun Tzu and most of the military commander characters, and Christopher Howie as the tall and hapless military grunt, the target of many of the other two characters’ assaults and even the narrator’s disdain. This combination of Bethel’s style and that of No Refunds could have stumbled by being too goofy (not respecting the source) or dull (respecting the source so much that one forgets to stage it for a live audience). The fact that it doesn’t wander into either of those trouble spots is something of a minor miracle, and they’re to be commended for pulling it off.

The text is crisp, simple military theory, interspersed with Sun Tzu’s own illustrative examples of what to do, and not to do, in action. Middelton keeps things moving along verbally, while the ninjas alternate between a sort of martial arts version of interpretive dance and role-playing as the narrator dictates. Middleton does get in on a bit of the oddball fun when providing the voices for the story of Sun Tzu demonstrating his theories for an emperor using the ruler’s army of concubines as stand-ins for soldiers. Sun Tzu’s voice is a John Wayne impersonation that I like to think must be a nod to the Duke’s one big blunder into costume drama when he took on the role of Ghengis Khan in “The Conqueror” (The movie is painfully awful, and truly beautiful. You’ll laugh til your eyes bleed. Rent it. The fact that they filmed it downwind of nuclear test sites before anyone thought radiation was a bad thing and most of the cast ended up dying years later of cancer just makes it weirder. Only in America.)

This is unfortunately the perfect time for a show like Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. I say unfortunately because our country is currently waging a handful of wars of its own devising and one wishes our political leaders had read Sun Tzu before embarking on their adventures. Sun Tzu understood the practicalities of war - terrain, politics, leadership, morale, provisioning, and above all, diplomacy. One of the more ruefully funny parts of the book concerns Tzu’s assertion that the greatest victories in war are the ones that are never fought, the ones in which no one raises a weapon, and no soldier loses their life. These victories are won by negotiation and are almost never the subject of song and story. But only the smartest and best strategists ever win them.

The audience brings its own subtext into the theater with them. About halfway through the performance, I didn’t think I could laugh at the show anymore. All I could think was “Oh man, it’s so blatantly clear. Common sense, completely ignored. We’ve done everything wrong. We are so screwed.” Yet laugh I did. Because Bethel, Dawson, Middleton and the Ninjas know if we don’t find some way to laugh at it all, we’ll go mad.On top of the misfortunes of the enemy soldiers portrayed by Howie who keep getting the stuffing beaten out of them... Beyond the giggle-inducing demonstrations with action figures and crude maps scrawled on muslin...The big laughs come at the expense of the leader with no military experience who thinks he knows better than his generals. Rhee, as the incompetent emperor making one poor decision after another in Middleton’s list of missteps, also makes a series of slow double-takes to the audience which become increasingly amusing. The leader is never mentioned by name. There is no need. Those who are inclined to get the joke, will get the joke. Those who aren’t can just enjoy the inept antics of the witless emperor trying to conduct a battle with no allies, no knowledge of the enemy, or strategy (yes, a “strategery” sign makes a fleeting comic appearance). That’s one of the charms of this clever presentation - it’s full of comedy and common sense anyone can appreciate, but each audience member can make up their own mind what it all means, and how it might apply to our current world order.

If you’re not in the mood for political satire, it works as slapstick. If you’re not in the mood for mindless comedy, there’s a high IQ just below the surface winking at you if you want to be in on the bigger, and slightly darker, joke.Nice to finally see a full production from the No Refunds crew. I seem to be one of the only people who missed the various incarnations of “Kung Fu Hamlet” - which developed quite the cult following. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have been scared off by the zombies and 80s TV sitcoms in their subsequent Fringe shows. Their hilarious contribution to the Five Fifths of the Wizard of Oz event was second only to the Scrimshaw Brothers for entertainment value. And Sun Tzu’s The Art of War has reassured me that whatever they do, I’m in good hands. Next up is an onstage version of a graphic novel, “What’s Done In The Dark,” a mix of action and illustration. For those who worry that might be a bit grim or edgy, they assure in the program ad, “just because it’s serious, doesn’t mean it’s legitimate theater. We’re still No Refunds, after all.”I beg to differ. They may not take themselves too seriously, and that’s to their credit, but they’re definitely legitimate theater. And very highly recommended.

Final performances are this Friday and Sunday, October 26 and 28 at the Bryant Lake Bowl (810 West Lake Street in Minneapolis)All performances start at 7pm (Doors open at 6)Tickets - $15 ($12 for students with ID, Fringers with buttons, black belts, members of clergy, certified ninjas, and veterans, active or retired)

For reservations call - 612-825-8949 or visit www.bryantlakebowl.com (online ticket purchase available)

And as the No Refunds site - www.norefundstheatre.com - says, “For more information on Sun Tzu or the Art of War, visit your local library, or ask your mom.”

It's both comforting and a little disconcerting that this military advice has been around, proven right, and regularly ignored, since around 500 B.C. Worth revisiting in this comic context. After all, those who forget the past...

Thanks, Chowie...

If you're My-Spacin'...check out my page for new pics of "Great Moments in Kung Fu Theatre History". One of which..is just neat. I'll look at it when I'm 70 & have Alzheimers and say "Hurrrrghablurginfrabble doo...."

Hooked on Cracked, and other meanderings...

1st- Go see my show. Tonight and Sunday, 7pm, BLB. Spend your $ on some learn-y type theatre.

2nd- This weather is tearing my soul apart. For realsies. The blinding, sideways rain reminded me of my trip to England w/me mum. We left for a Stonehenge tour, thinking that the day would go from gray and foggy to clear and free. (As it had the previous 4 days) Ergo, we left our rain parka's at the hotel. Nope. The sky was nearly black, the rain icy cold, going sideways, and it soaked us both through to the skin by the time we got off the bus and shuffled into the gift shoppe to buy a blanket (my teeth were chattering) and two garbage bags with holes that was labeled "poncho" for six pounds a piece. I. Need. Sun.

3rd- I have delivered unto you my love for Icanhascheezburger.com and occasional listies from Cracked.com. It has become a daily check in at work, and because most of their clips are on Youtube I can't watch 'til I get home. Well...I read this list yesterday, started laughing so hard I had to put my fist in my mouth, watched it at home, DID laugh out loud, then just re-read it today and laughed AGAIN. This is one of the reasons I am weening booze out of my diet.

And it further proves that B'Affleck, daddy or no, was a total Johnny Salami.

http://www.cracked.com/article_15626_11-most-unintentionally-poignant-drunk-celebrity-videos.html

So what DID you do?

While your girlfriend was trading shirts off hugs in the big Apple?

Nothing. Not a damn thing.

Well that's not entirely true:

Friday we hadda show, which went much smoother than you'd think after a week away from it.
Caturday was a HUGE work out, followed by attempts to fix my mower (Nope. And I nearly ripped my hands apart trying to remove the spark plug. It ain't budging.) Planting/Turning over my garden in the front, And then a "Me Movie Night" (Which consisted of my wandering around Video Stardom with my mouth agape, staring at the non-stop milieu of previews playing on their in-store televisions. Friends, say "Hello" to ADHD) I walked away with "FF 2, Rise of the Silver Surfer" and "Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon".

It is right now, just at this point, that I realize I had rented two flicks with "Rise" in the title, and neither one a p0rno. Hmmmmmmm.

I'll cut to the chase: "FF2", outside of a funny turn by Johnny Storm and some interesting body work by Doug Jones as the Surfer...sucked holy balls. No lie. I felt compelled to remove it but I kept myself stubbornly glued to the screen. Can a comic book film go so off target that it just stops being entertaining? Oh yes. Ohhhhhh yes. And I think that a serious case of miscasting was shat upon the movie. I tried. Don't bother. Don't eeeeeven look at the case. Balls.

Now "Behind the Mask"? Not bad. I liked it about as much as I thought I would after reading the plot synopsis. (Mockumentary/Horror film- Get it?) A fairly affable guy goes into detail for a camera crew how he wants to be a serial horror icon along the lines of Michael Meyers/Jason Vorhee's yadda yadda. They've got great cameo's, video footage from the original locations of those respective franchises, and yeah. It's got enough tongue in cheeks to have kept me engaged for 90 minutes. Definitely a palate cleanser after the tripe that was "FF2". Did I mention that movie was ass on toast?

Sunday was cleaning house, reading, late lunch with the 'Bean, and another show. wOOt, Pip, hollah.

I'm a boring bunk.

And Ode to BJ's and Pants...

Not thaaaat kinda BJ, ya preev's.

So "Sun Tzu's: The Art of War" opened last Freitag. Now, if I've been maintaining radio silence it's part and parcle to the fact that we've been nose to the grindstoning nearly nightly before we opened. (There's a lot of business, dig? And A lot of business means a lot to remember, even if I'm not talking.) We had a moderate house who, while not as keenly snickerable as we'd hoped were still receptive to the concept. (It's a lesson book, see? About war. Written in 500 BCE. That has some ironic observations/lesson's about what to do, and not to do when going into battle that the current administration could stand to learn from. IJS) If, by means of an advertisement, you have a free Friday or Sunday night in October? Head on down to the BLB for some learnin', some awesome food, and only an hour of your night. That leaves time for bowling, yo.

Afterwards, I hung w/Dorajar, Mags, D, and Scora and knocked back my free-ish Surly while I watched them finish the game. We dropped off Mags, and Dorajar got this brilliant idea to hit up BJ's Cocktails, Game Room, and Exotic Dancers.

Yeah. Nope. Okay, I was gonna stop there but we engaged in some interesting discourse about quality of dancer, psychology, body image, the fact that some of the "dancer's" really weren't plying their craft all that well, opting to just lie on the stage and writhe around like someone getting tangled in the sheets after a bad nightmare, and pausing occasionally to expose themselves to any one of the Hell's Angel's who went to the corner of the stage with a single.

Eep.

Saturday was a project day. After fashioning some brefkist burrito's, I took to edging the lawn and prepping for a mow when kaput...the Toro up and died. I'm gonna try and replace the plug, but if anyone has a Craigslist lead for a lawnmower (Preferrably one that, you know, "goes"? And doesn't result in an arm work out...) let me know.

After a nap, and a brief discussion as to dinner we hit the Lund's deli (Where you should all. Go. No Sir Ian sightings though...lucky Ike) Then home. I proceeded to teach Dorajar how to "Kiss Like A Boy" (Seriously. Talking honesty I almost gave away all my patented "all new cheap moves!") Then we lounged around in our undies before watching "Heroes" and calling it a night.

Sunday was a summons to the Royal Families Townhome in Ply-Mouth where I had lunch and helped turn the back forty for some plantin'. Sufficed to say, Monday sucked. Suck it, soreness.

That night? I was Dorajar's date to say "Good Bye" to X. By Mama. Be good to NYC.

Back at it Frasser's. If you read this, come see my show. I HAVE SPOKEN!!!

Food Reviews

Ahem-

Progresso's low sodium/carb/health-consious Southwestern Spicy soup. 150 calories. Okay. Definitely brothy. Not a hearty meal to be sure, but a little extra water/tomatoes/spinach/spices ups the flavor sensation.

Ahem squared-

I'm busting a$$ to get to rehearsal (I worked until 6pm) and since I didn't pack a dinner I had to make an executive decision to stop for frassed food. There was nothing, like but nothing in terms of old stand by drive through's where I could hazard a healthy sammich so when I get off I spy a Har to the Dizz-Ee's in the distance. I think "F#ck, man...I haven't been to one of these places in forever. Like, all I remember was Frisco Melt's back when I ate the filthy bastards." My second thought was "F#ck, man...I've got to be at rehearsal in 5 minutes, please let there not be a line") The pickings were remarkably slim, and judging by the grilled chicken choices and the lack of a "Your way, right away" slogan I figured I'd-a need to make due with the lesser of two evils. So, it is here that I introduce you to the "Hawaiian Teryaki Grilled Chicken Sandwich" boasting a pineapple (Oooookay. I see cheese, but figure that it can be peeled off with relative ease.)

Wrong.

I fumble and park, pulling my purchase out and resigning the fact that I'd be about 3 minutes late but if I didn't get dinner I'd be a crabby petunia. I open the box (Still looks promising) lift the bun off annnnnnd: F#ck. This thing has at least a gallon of mayo on it. And is that cheese? It looks like white foam core!?!? And low and behold...one napkin.

I begin the salvage project immediately, hands shaking from hunger/anger/nerves as I quickly wipe the bun when the chicken shifts and...what's this? ANOTHER slathering of mayo and cheese. Flip, Lather, and repeat. Only this time my hands are covered in goo. I manage to use some kleenex in the back (Not a sturdy subsitute) and scarf my sandwich before rehearsal. When the night was all said and done, my car reeked of mayo/dead sammich.

So I'd like to give a hearty Caesarian "Thumb's Down" to their sammich. My steering column is giving me the "phantom ick's" just by touching it. Grrrrr.

The I.V's

Yup. That pretty much sums it up. And when the post-gala is charging actor's (read: Fixed income) $9 a glass of wine? Reminds me of why we packed our flasks in the first place. Here's to sticking it to the man. A synopsis:


-I cut my chin shaving. No biggie, but I bled like a sieve for an hour.

I started sweating immediately after showering. And proceeded to sweat for the duration of the night. And not "Oh pretty I'm glowing" sweat, but "No officer, I have no IDEA why there's a dead hooker in my trunk" sweating. Not pretty.

Pocketed Flask Full of Morgan's and picked up date, who looked very pretty.

We hit Great Dragon All you Can Eat Buffet for dinner in our classy duds. We. Are. Awesome.

And so is Great Dragon's Spicy Chicken and Broccoli. More sweat.

We BS'ed at Palomino w/X, Gramma, BWJ, and commenced people watching.

Joined the swell of folks trying to get tickets etc. My sweating, at this point, became unbearable and I started feeling like an unwashed heathen. And felt like Dorajar and I should have attached ourselves to each other with a piece of string.

Sat in the back and watched the show. Had to pee about three minutes in and basically sweat, squiggled, and squirmed through the show. I felt self conscious being flanked by people, so nips from my flask were far and few between. At least I wasn't lit by the time I got to the after-do like last year.

Ahem. HALLLLLLLENBEEEEECK!!! F#cking A this guy should get an award. Word.

BNW performer is a new super secret girlfriend, as is the girl who did the snippet from "Fat Pig". She was very sweet when we were introduced post-show.

I decided I don't "get" the IV's.

We started laughing, audibly, when X sent her a text during one guest performer's rendition of "Hopelessly devoted to you"- (paraphrased) "Don't the b#tch know another song?!?!"

We bolted right before the "Lifetime Afrassment" Award was handed out. It was funny because we shared the same glance and when people started to clap and stand, that was our cue.
Finally...toilet time. Mop sweat. Remove jacket. Dab big red dot in the center of my chin. Gross.
I get a really good look at me and resign myself to looking like an overdress tool. I shoulda went with a kilt too. At least then I'da had a breeze to keep me cool.

Get offered a pick-up drink by the pretty people by the trough in the lobby. Empty half outside, pour some of my flask in there. Subtle...buddy. Reeeeeeally subtle. It tasted like diluted a$$.

After party-

The Schloss is our hook up. Cheap tonic for Dorajar and her flask. Cheap Diet Coke for Mikey.


I told SSGF #2 and former IV winner that I loved her. She told me she knew. How Han Solo.

Got a big hug from Shelbs. Love.

Quite a few fakey run-in's. (That one dude? He's 40, right? Why does he look perpetually 25 years old? The man hasn't aged in 15 years! That's IT! He's a f#cking vampire.)

One ex siting. ( We kept our distance)

We took funny pictures in a photo booth. (See above

Lot's of pretty people. One pretty and naughty Feej. Shame shame I know your name. ; )

I chastised Beau Geste for giving away all his acting tips on the C'board. He said "Do I know you?!?!?"

I told the Penub-nub artistic director that it's not all glamour. He said "Do I know you?"

That's it.

Whadda Weekend...

It just FLOO by, didn't it? Caturday was sort of the pinnacle of goodness so I figure I'll start there:


Being that this was the last sort of "open" weekend we had together, Dorajar and I were fixing to get out of town. Funds were low-age, so we knew that spending the night somewhere was out of the questions. We opted for T. to the Fall's where we were watned to recapture a little of this happy business:
http://happychristmasbaby.blogspot.com/2006/02/consider-source.html

(Back when we were desperately denying that there was anything "there". Okay, it was all on me but still...funny business when you look back on it)

Daytime started with brefkist here:
http://www.chatterboxpub.net/

(Not bad. I thought that you got a little less food than you were paying for, but all told it was still tasty business) The highlight of brefkist was that we completed the Onion cross word in the span of an hour. Thank you. And did you know that they get around the liquor law by making their Bloody Mary's with Sake?

We hiked many a small hikes consecutively in the state park before heading into scenic TF to discover truly if it was, in fact, a summer town. (For a pair of "experienced" hikers, we moronically forgot to bring water in with us. Durrrrr) We knocked back a BM at Romayne's while watch the biker's rumble and the children frass. (Note to parents: If you have a spastic hyper-active child, feeding them sugary beverage's is probably not a good idea. IJS) Walked around, then headed back home.

Still parched, we stopped in Chisago City to slake our thirst at Scooter's pub where we were just in time for TWO historic events: One, was the $.50 hamburger special. (No s#it. A full sized burger, for fitty cent. ) And...wait for it: The meat raffle. After snapping a photo of Dorajar posing in front of the pool table covered in frozen roast, we spit the bit. (And luck ba$tard that she is, she found a really nice lounging VS bathrobe at the antique store next to the bar)

We napped, then headed out for a "just got fired/quit" dinner where the bar actually had playing the cartoon Transformer's movie from '86 followed by "Fighter's at the Shaolin Temple". Needless to say, I wasn't all that conversational. More like "Jocko at a sport's bar when there's a (Insert random sport) playing"

Sunday was rehearsal, projects, then Market for Jabas the Hutt's b'day. Thus fulfilling half of my bi-annual Market visit's. I didn't even get plowed. Hooray for buddies.

Tonight...the Ivey Awards. I will have a flask. Oh yes.

I wanna be this guy

Why hasn't this been on the radar? "Mirageman"? Really? Is he another Tony Jaa flash in da pan? What?

I found out about this dude in the round about way, first with this on AICN:
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/34148

Which prompted me to do this:
http://imdb.com/title/tt1046183/

Then to watch this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVrpiQS7IG4



Ho. Lee. Shite.

A few things...

A week ago on my commute home, I saw a car blow up.

Scratch that.

I was coming around 94 Westbound from White Bear Ave. and saw plumes of black smoke. "Fire" I thought, ever so wisely. Looks to be coming from the South side, so no major snarls.

Right?

As I got closer, and traffic snarled down ("Frickin' Lookiloo's") I saw the source- A suburban, engulfed (And I mean, a ball of flame with a suburban shape) in the Eastbound lane. Well before I even saw this mess, I was about 1/4 miles up the road when Ka-BOOOOOOOM a 6 story mushroom cloud erupted in the near-distance. When I got closer and passed it I knew (knew) what the source of traffic congestion was. (Thankfully, all souls were a half mile away) but...

Shit.

I've never seen an explosion live. Like that . Or with my windows up, felt the vibration's...

I could comment on the 35W bridge tragedy, or that there are people in the Middle East who deal with this on a regular basis...but no. It freaked me out. A lot.


Thank You.

Bad Covers

Cracked.com, on a famous wigged out pop stars cover of "Satisfaction":

"But here's the thing—how bad a cover version do you have to create to look bad compared to The goddamn Monkees? That's like losing a paralyzation contest to Stephen Hawking."

Did I read this right?

(Chinese: 肾子八大奇功 - "Testicle Eight Outstanding Techniques").

And moreover, did it show up? This blog is brought to you by my awful wiki addiction, and the definition of the "Iron Shirt" technique of kung fu.


For your pleasure.

I confess...movie style

I know that I'll never watch certain movies, in spite of my deep love for the cinema. That said, I spend time reviewing the spoiler-ific wikipedia entries on the movies I don't want to see, but want to know more about. The film "The Brave One" really doesn't pique my interest all that much (And it's been getting some ass-tastic reviews. Well really..."I want my dog back"? Jodie, Jodie, Jodie...God I love ya, but you've been hittin' some foul balls in the last 10 years or so. Boo. Boo I say.)

Annnnnyway, here's a spoiler filled plot synapsis of "The Brave One", clearly written by someone who was realllly trying to capture the essence of the film in addition to their overall disdain. I. Laughed.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brave_One_%282007_film%29