"The Fountain": A review (SPOILERS)

So after a weekend of car trouble (Friday) Seeing Thuglet and the rest of the Choppers of Pork at a Porkchop Saloon Reunion, then seeing "Voltron in Show Business" (Which you should all. Go. See. It's not every day you see your girlfriend make out with a hot blonde on stage. Sitting next to her father) I capped off the weekend at Redwrights- Drinking, eating, soaking, and watching the Vikes retire whatever scrap of feces they call dignity at Lambeau. (And I'm sorry. You're already decimating our team. Let's not cheap-shot clip our one rookie franchise player and incapacitate him for the remainder of the season. True, it's hyperbole...but let's watch the knee's...shall we? AND KICK AN EFFING FIELD GOAL!!! Get SOME points on the board. D#uche's. Get someone who can call plays. Here, wait...let me call the Mpls Park and Rec department. Their little leauger's would probably provide a more entertaining game.)

Ahem

So after some pigskin action, I figured taking in a cerebral sci/fi flick'd be a hot ticket. It was early, I was kinda tired, and the premise seemed interesting.

"The Fountain": (Short review)
Wolverine commits acts of arborphilia in outer space.

I'm not s#itting you, at one point he almost full out makes out with a tree. WTF? If you're going to make a beautifully shot (And it was beautiful, make no mistake) sci-fi film about time travel, the tree of life, and a smoking hot Rachel Weisz...at least let it make sense. This was chock full of phallic imagery -"Oh look, Mr. Injured Conquistador FINDS the tree of life and pierces it with his (d#ck) knife while the tree ejaculates a strangely thick white gooey substance which cures his wound and turns him into Swamp Thing by Bachman's."

And future Huge Ackman makes out with (read: Eats the bark...heh. He's not even supposed to be crazy...I thought only Margot Kidder or Anne Heche did that?) a tree, does Tai Chi, and talks to himself in the lotus position. Basically it takes the last 20 minutes of 2001 and shakes it like a snow globe before throwing it at you, rendering you unconscious.

Did I mention Huge plants a tree seed in his beloveds grave? Just by scooping up the earth. The frozen, ice packed earth?

Now, I feel bad b/c they have a featurette showing how this movie was in development hell for years. Once even going so far as to showing the meeting the producers held telling the production staff that as of that moment...they were out of a job. And that just seemed like an SNL skit gone wrong. ("We're secretly letting you in on the meeting where we do a MASSIVE layoff! Next on "Some Random Ford Plant's Funniest Home Video's!" )

I tried to stick it out. Really I did. But I actually felt dumber when it was done, and actually thought that I'd rather watch "Requiem" again (The movie dubbed "The greatest, most beautiful, disturbing film I have ever seen...and never want to view again.")

Avoid it. Please. I took one for the team watching this. You owe me. Money.