This is just not gonna be pretty, is it?

"What size is this, Ed?"
"We got a large"
"Ha! Someone's been telling some exxxxaggerated stories about me, brother"
"Should we get you a medium?"
"Nah. I should be fine so long as the saddle bags don't fall out"
(Ed chuckles)
"So...do I need to try it on?"
"No. Well, did you want to try it on?"
"Ed. If I'm gonna be honest with you, I think I'm gonna wait until the last possible moment to put that fucker on. Pardon my French"
"I don't think that's French. And I understand"

"Thank you Ed. Thank you. Can I take the break away pants off now?"



So am I gonna need to shave my legs? That just seems like it'd be...weird.


Urgh.

But I don't watch TV...

Give a guy a little facial hair...

I'm visiting the Nipple Grove office today. One of our consultants sez "You look kinda like that 'Grey's Anatomy' guy...what's his name? Dempsey?" (Moi- "Riiiiight.")
"I watch that show all the time...dang, which one izzy on the show? McDreamy or McSteamy?"


"Well...if it's me we're talking about I'm going with 'McCreampuff' or 'McMuffin with Cheese'..."

It's that time of year!

That's right campers: FLU SHOT TIME! Which means baby P can whip out some of his all new old cheap and hammy jokes for the Flu Shot nurse and fellow shooters. (I told the nursey that I have the same damn jokes every year and they keep getting funnier)

1- "Is this the victims room?"
2- "Why do we have to wait 10 minutes after our shot again? Is it because of the swine flu? Does that mean I'm gonna sprout a curly tail and root around in a trough?"
3- "Backdoor or the arm?" (In reference to where I was getting shot)
4- "Can my tattoo say 'Mom'?"
5- "I'm afraid you'll have to unwrap another hypo there, lady. You'll probably bend the first needle trying to spike through THESE BAD BOYS!" (Flexes gamely)
6- "Jeezus...they didn't tell me that they were switching to using lumber nails in lieu of needles"
7- "Aren't you supposed to flick it a couple of times to get the air bubble out? I saw that in a movie once..."
8- "AAiiiaiagrrrhrrhgh" (During the shot)
9- "If I find an egg in my toilet bowl, does that mean I have the avian flu?"
10- "You know that these are the same jokes every year, right?" (Her response: "Well, if you only get to use'em once, right?")


So now I've got a sore deltoid for all that frass. The things I do, to prevent the flu.

H'ween Post-Mortem

November already? November November. "Remember remember the fifth of November"...which is also Redwright's anniversary. Happy early Anniversary, love!

Okay, making a little too much with the freestyling here.


Sooooo:

Tour season is over, which means I can get my lazy weekends back. Sadly, I'd been so busy lately I hadn't even any time to decorate for the season, or even carve up the two punkin's I bought. (The decorating bit really breaks the heart, readers- Esp. those who recall me frassin' over how much my family used to love to decorate the hell outta our house when RSvP and I were younger. ) This was esp. chagrinning due to the fact that a majority of our old props found their way into my possession (Masks, Skeleton's, strobe lights, etc) and were left unused. In fact, I don't think I've been able to gung-ho decorate for many many years. Boo.

It doubly pained me, since it was also my "late night" at work which meant I was stuck at the office until just after 6pm, missing many of the early tricker treaters. HOWEVER, after picking up some nibbles and rushing home, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw that the 'Bean had gotten into some of the props and set up the skellytons and strobe lights looking out our front window. He encouraged kids to "ring the scary doorbell" every time they knocked instead of buzzing. (It's set to "scary organ/scream". Heh. I know a lotta folks who would scream at my scary organ...HEY OHHHHHH! Go see "Monty")

Mo came over and helped hand out candy to all the buttons who came over, which was funny since the three of us, w/o realizing we did it- ended up making sort of a rotation as to who answered the door. Last call for candy was 8:30pm, and that was that. No fuss, no muss. Another We'en bites the dust. 'Bean and I made a pact that next year we'd slay'em with a hella good display. I may even get me wunna them there new-fangled fog machines.

Can you imagine trying to kink it up in the bedroom with one of those things? Mopeppa and I were frassin about that after unsuccessfully searching for adult baby costumes this weekend at Party City.

"You get a strobe in the bedroom and kick on the fog machine and you'd be like 'Cough-Cough...accckk. Where are you? Marco? Pooooolo! I can't see you to undress you...cough cough..."

And a strobe light would just wind up triggering a seizure in your poor partner, when there you are thinking that you're being all "Mister Perfect-Lover" and sending them into the throes of ecstasy.

What?

I'm just sayin...

H'weener

I know, I know. If you're a narcissistic dysmorphic why are you posting semi-nude pics? Well I happen to think that 'Bean and Dorajar look cute together and should have their images saved for posterity. (With special attention to their spot on impersonations. You can't see'em, but I helped Bean with his forearms.) The other pic, well...I have no idea.

Come to think of it, that last pic of the three of us looks like a strange version of the pieta.

The Passion of the Diaper.

Sheesh...

It was a busy week last week, frassers. All I can provide is a re-dick re-cap of the weekend events:

Friday. I started my day at 5:30 am and didn't get home until close to 1am after doing 3 tours. I was fucking tired, and amazed that I got through it. Needless to say, the following happened-

I didn't wake up until 11am. Yeah. I stumbled downstairs to a quiet roommate and my karate gear-bag by the front door. The coffee I had pre-set to start brewing at 8am was already off, and cold.

In spite of 3 different parties going on Saturday night, I opted for something different: To stay in. This was important on so many different levels I'd rather not share, but sufficed to say staying in with Dorajar, the 'Bean, and Georgie kitty watching that tripe that was "An American Haunting"* was more important to my mental well-being than I can articulate. Very. Important.

Sunday- The 'Bean raked. I ran errands and studied...(And failed another practice exam, miserably.) After naplets and a wonderful happy hour sushi nibble it was time for the Market.


In spite of not being very keen on "couple" costuming, I acquiesed to the 'Bean and Dorajar's request that we do a group adventure for the Market costume contest. (Mama-san was unable to get the magical spidey suit finished in time. And all of my other choices were just...not fun?) So, we were off to make the world a safer place as Popeye (the 'Bean) Olive (the Mo) and Swee' Pea...(Yours truly. With a truly-truly "thrown together at the last minute" ensemble of a baby bottle, bib, pillow case slash diaper w/pin. Yeah. The when the 'Bean asked me if I was going to "shade in my abs" it made me feel very secure in my lack of clothing. Although, he was ultimately super grateful that I agreed to do it, which kind of...kind of softened self-consciousness)

All told, it was a pretty swell evening. We came in 3rd place in the costume contest, to which the 'Bean swears up and down we were robbed. (LOL). I managed to act/look the fool and try to pick up the Pust which only succeeded in me going down on one knee, cracking it on the floor. Ouch-time. Everyone looked spiff-tacular and I continued my record of being a moronic talky-meat when I go to gatherings and there's too much for my ADHD addled brain to process. (ex: Talking smack about ex's, Singing off-key, frassin too much about how I looked douchey.)

So today...we're at today. Is it after Halloween yet? I have all these props but no time to decorate. (sighs) And that kind of bums me out a little. H'ween used to be a time that my fam would decorate the s#it out of our house. Now the best I can muster is two uncarved pumpkins on my counter-top, and a pair of skeletons which only seem to interest the visiting Mormon's who stopped by last night when we were getting ready. (The 'Bean sure scared 'em off.)

Well, my programmable door bell is set on "Spooky" I guess.



Happy Samhain, y'all!


*I was adding commentary during the entire movie. This was only stopped when Dorajar made a comment that the Bell daughter in the movie was about to get a$$-raped by a ghost. This prompted me to say "Well. There it is. Mo-Mo has officially surpassed me in terms of off-color commentary."

Here they are...

Anyone in a pressing hurry to see me act like a stripper...like, all, none of you. : (

Saturday November 11th, and Saturday November 18th. 2 pm matinee's.


Good luck with tix. They're fixing to sell out the run- and tickets so far are between 85-90%. Moneymaker. Shake it. Boom chicka rocka chicka rocka chicka-boom.

A$$le$$ chaps. That is all.



ps- I know, you're all like "Ohhhh baby P, you were soooo coy and now you're Mr. Advertisement". Shut the natural hell up. I realized the error of my ways. It's a great show.

pps- "Hal" in TRP's "Loot". Directed by TLC. Good frassin' times.

What's more important?

Family or theatre?


Family wins. Hands down. I love this pic.



(*Taken on 9/30/06- The 2nd to last day of Ren Fest 2006)

The triumphant return of the banana-hammock...

*Or, "Thank God I didn't buy the thing for one show and I'll have spent the money for 1 lousy gimmick!"

Sometimes there are benefits to being a go-to guy for directors. Usually it comes when you start to feel pretty lousy about not getting cast in a while. Although this gig is...slightly different?

So BCT is doing "The Fuuuuull Monty" and they needing an US. I'm thinking, "okay...they need an understudy. Cool" But no, they need someone to go on for 2 shows. "Okay. Does this mean I'm gonna need to show my dick? It's a thrust stage, right?" This is where the mild panic sets in- Not only am I up to my eyeballs studying for my series license, but I'm gonna have to learn a track/lines/'ography/and music. B@ll$. Flashbacks to 'Schooner at the old HT come to my brain. (For the unitiated, I was called in to US 2 days before they opened. Not US ONE person, but all 5 principle's...riiiiiight. My script looked like I took out multi-color pack of highlighter's and made rainbows on the pages. I panicked NIGHTLY around 6pm on show nights.)


Thankfully, it was for naught. The role is pretty minor in the scope of the run (The stripper who frasses around the "Monty" boys wives while they look on.) but he's in the opening scene. I called the Prod. SM and got an "I love you" before I had even introduced myself which made me feel pretty good. We hashed over the delicate matters of show times, the fact that they are teching next week and that I can watch as many shows as I want to before I'm needed. The biggest (snerk) question I had was "Should I bring my own banana-hammock"? /"Yeeeeeah, why don't you bring it, and we'll see what the costumer has to say. I know you'll be getting break away pants for sure"

These conversations are only a small reason I keep doing theater. I just can't make this shit up.

So yeah. Monty. Stripper. I just got back from karate a few minutes ago, now I'm off to do crunches and jog. Do not ask me to have cake. I'm gonna be frassy about that shit for the next few weeks, yo.

And no, I'm not telling my reader's when I'm going on. The last thing I want is a subversively taken photo of my hammock taken and posted on the internet. That means you, Planet Dan... ; P


Butt-cheek frass

It's kind of cold, or...

Why are we filming on "Hoth"?












(This is an example of the car we filmed in, albeit it was "Gramma's old-couch-Green" but without the smell of menthols. And sans mulleted redneck)

What: 8 hour casino commercial shoot in Bloomington
When: A really cold, cold night in MN.

I want to get my love of commercial and film work out of the way, right away. I. Love. It. Anyone who frasses about live theatre/street work etc...well I understand. I just love being on set, getting frassed over by wardrobe and make-up. Talking to the crew, PA's, and director. I'd like to think I'm getting better at not asking the other actors/crew about gigs, projects, and shit. Actually, I felt pretty fucking good about asking that we all sit together instead of all over. Finding out the cities that everyone lives. (Even though JC laughed and called Saint Paul "Shelbyville"...that almost knocked me off the table it was so funny) Talking about life, and not the job. You know, it's such a different animal than theater and it's way too much fun for me. That said, I'm gonna focus on some of the frassy aspects of the night that did not diminish our fun, but make good fodder for blogstuff:

Show-up, get made up. Even though I brought some wardrobe the director and costumer wanted me in something different. They settled on a cowboy shirt and collegy baseball under jersey. Very, thin, layers. I frass with the makeup guy (CeeB's, who did a bang up job recently on "Requiem" and was an Ass. Prod of that indie gamer movie "Midnight". Cool thing? He told me he'd call me if he needs any other talent. Le. Woot. Althought the current cast is epic in scope and a veritable phone directory of the professional theatre talent currently working in the t.c.)

Pogmyster and I are the "backseat" guys (shuddup) so we're carted in to film our shit first. I brought my gloves with, thinking that it's gonna be fucking cold eventually so I'd better take precautions. Not so much luck. As we sit in the backseat of the big-ass brougham, and as the camera people frass with cords and batteries and cables that don't work, my feet started to get numb. Pog smartly asks for a "blanket or something" which we get (See? Filmaking magic! To the 'Mad-Sconnie' residents who see this would never guess that this climate-less commercial contained two dudes freezing balls on a leather seat.) Two and a half hours later, we're cut. And rush over to craft services to stand by the portable heater and nibble dried fruit. We're called over after frassin' and shoot some more shit before dinner. We're still freezing. The car is still cold. It's at this point I look outside and the crew is walking around in parka's, hats, gloves, and the wardrobe mistress has a look that says "I'm sorry". They bring over shakeable "warming packs" which we proceed to break open and stuff in our shoes. The shot goes long, as the "Cop" actor who'd "pulled us over" is riffing on what to call us:

"Listen up here Ham-slappers"
"All right Cha-chi, you're in Madison"
"Hey there, Turkey-Lurkeys"
"All right 'amigoooo's'...I got some new for you"

Take after take, we stifled our sniggers.

It went on. After a while we asked the director if we could have a take to "ourselves". So, on the "martini" we get the signal and as dude comes up to the car, we bum-rushed him. Some cop. Poor bastard just ran away. Actually funnier than that, he ran THROUGH the car. Tha's how big that sumbitch was.

Finally, FINALLY we did that cop car POV shot when we heard the last call of "check the gate" and that was that. The costumer informed us that the warming house/changing area had closed for the night so they brought our gear to us so that we could change. Ask me where. That's right, in the middle of the street. At midnight. 34 degree's. Suspiciously, the ass't costumer came sauntering up at the moment we were huddled behind the crew-car dropping trou. Right lady. Thanks for checking on our welfare.

Then it was home, 4 hours of sleep, and another day of days.


The, end.


ps: Dinner was "Vesci0's" Italian. Guys, I refuse to endorse this place. The food was oily-ass. Another thing I could frass about but don't: The one big drawback for baby P on evening/overnight shoots is that you don't have much control over what's being served and it's always late late later than I like to eat. (It's bad for your metabolism to eat late. Whine, I know. When I told the 'Bean what we had, his eye's nearly popped out and he immediately fixed himself some rainbow rotini.)

Brrr...

Cold in the car.

Changed outside in 32 degree weather.

Bum rushed the actor playing the cop.

So...cold. If only I'd have brought a camera on-set for proof...

It's not all glamour. Don't let anyone tell you differently...


More later. Brrrrrr...just getting the feeling back.

Friday Friday Friday night...

After a full week of frassin', I'm fixing to have a smidgen of down time this weekend. (Which will end up being filled with 'fu and study-frass, of course.) However, far be it from me to pass up a hot ticket- especially one that may end up being FREE! I've had some peep's ask me to let them know when the next FKW show is, so here you go:

"Dosh"- Record release show! This Friday night at the Triple Rock Social Club. With Fat Kid Wednesday's and Fort Wilson Riot. 9pm. Tix are $8 in advance, $10 at the show.

triplerocksocialclub.com/shows/

Apparently Andrew Bird is supposed to make an appearance which is pretty cool (Mo-ma and Broiler have told me that they really dig his music.) AL told me that we're on "The List"* so it seems a hot ticket has been discovered. Le wOOt!

Anyway, if anyone likes progressive jazz and to be able to see one of the TC's best P-jazz trio's perform, here's your chance.


*This is all subject to possibility/speculation. AL told me that he could get us backstage at the last Paul Simon concert since he knew one of the musician's but it didn't pan out. Pray...and I mean pray...that this doesn't happen. I really would like a night of letting music take me somewhere...


Back to studying.

We never talk...*

At some point...we stopped communicating verbally...











It started so innocently. Jellybean moved in. We started getting the feelers as to how each other operated. There was a period of adjustment, to be certain. After all, up until then my only roommates had been RSvP and exes. The 'Bean's daughter manages a local chain coffee house so I've been promised her weekly allotment since neither he nor daughter imbibe the filthy dark roast which many years ago, o'er took my life. If we run out now, this is the type of message that will now fill the dry erase board which resides on my fridge. It's eventually going to get to the point where we cease talking entirely...the walls of my renovated kitchen covered in strange images that only a latter-day Lord Carnovan will be able to decipher. I imagine in several thousand years when all of our homes have been buried by the following civilizations...future archeologists will puzzle over the strange way their ancestor's communicated.

I've established my legacy without even trying. Wait'll they try and figure out what the drawing's I leave when Georgie-kitten barfs all over the rug and I find it in my bare feet, mean.

I.J.S


* When I was in college...I had this gimmick where I would, in order to introduce myself to someone who I had "heard of" or had seen on stage/in class-but never talked to- Well...I'd be next to 'em at a party and say "-------? We, uhhhhh, we never talk anymore..." It's as good of an icebreaker as any.

Today's a.m. dialogue brought to you by the letter "P"

(On my way to series classes this morning, I stop into the local Holiday en route for some OJ, a water bottle, and a low fat blueberry muffin.)

Check out guy- "COG"
Me- "P"


COG- " ' Kay, we got orange juice, water, annnnnd (spying the opaque pastry bag) uhhhh"
P- "Low fat blueberry muffin"
COG- "Right...(Eyeing more carefully) You got one muffin in there orrrr..."
P- "No No. Uno Muff"


P bursts out chortling at his own pseudo-pervy sense of humor. This is what happens on precious little snooze time.

Up...since...4.


Series 6...taking over my life.


I feel like I haven't been "here" in weeks.

It'll feel nice when this is over. 3 days of instructor led class that starts off with "This will probably be one of the hardest examinations you've ever taken. The NASD wants to trick you on the questions. Skimmers? You might want to re-think how you take exams..."Well, that did tons for my confidence.




INO-

Happy Birthday Momma P. Hope you enjoyed your Indian Niblets last night!

(She got a frame with this pic, and the same pose w/ me, age 13...if I had a scanner, I'd scanner in the morning. I'd scanner in the eveeeeening...Anyway. You know)

Baby P and the Cave Troll...

This is a fearful looking me, next to the relief self-portrait image at "Chambers" last night. Even though it's hard to tell, it's actually kind of like a mannequin sticking out of the wall ("It's like Hagrid-sized" said I/"More like a cave troll" said Mags)

Anyway, I don't know what's scarier. The dude, or the hairstyle to the right of the dude. I need a f#cking haircut.

It's just me...

1- Is it odd that I get a little excited when the handicap stall in the men's room is unoccupied?

2-I hate the cold weather. F#ck a bunch of cold.

3-LJ can blow me. I can't read or post there from work anymore. Rassin' Frassin' firewall...(Technically I shouldn't lambast LJ...it's not like it's their firewall.)

4- In a strange turn of events, I landed the casino commercial gig that I'd written off. Just when I was about to write off my commercial career...poof. (Insert the next 2 year not-getting-cast sabbatical here. Not trying to be pessimistic...just relying on historical data yo.)

5- Go MN Wild

6- Yesterday marked my last day working out in Nipple Grove. I packed up a lot, I mean a LOT of shit. No boxes today. Makes me feel like a corporate transient.

7- The number one question asked of me when I said I was moving was: "Oh no...that's so far" (Most of the 'burbies assumed I lived out in the NW Suburbs. The commute, actually, is pretty much the same...just East-ier)

8- Went and saw "Sylvia" last night at the Pantages. If you own or have ever owned a dog you need to see it. FW was HI-larious and it was nice to see what all the fuss was about. They gave him a pair of Moobs

9- Pre show niblets were enjoyed at Conga Latin Bistro...Go if you can. The Arroz con Pollo was heavenly and the empanada's were teh bomb

10- Post show libation's were had at "Chamber's" which just opened up DT. Weird place. She-She, to be certain. (I think the high-falutin' art was a little off-putting.) The wait-staff wore hotsy totsy designer dresses in lieu of your standard crisp white shirt/black trou you often see at She-She digs. Points for attentive and sweet waitstaff and what's probably a cool outdoor area complete with fiery sacrificial centerpiece. (Too windy and cold to enjoy) Points for being able to hang w/The WW's, Mo-peppa, Mags, SSGF SR, and the cast. Points deducted for the atmosphere. I canna describe it. It was, weird? Maybe it was the martini's. Maybe it was the fact that we were sitting at "the little kids table". Maybe it was the big relief portrait that looked like a cave troll from Lord of the Rings was coming out of a wall. Oompa-Loompa creepy.

11- I seriously need a nap.

12- I'm bummed that I won't get to see "X" perform in "Ain't Misbehavin'" tonight.

13- I'm still full from dinner last night and it's almost lunch time. I need my toast though!

I'm gonna stop. 13 on the 13th.

xoxox

Rockin' Rider

Is there any question why I (That is, the "Royal Me") would like Iggy Pop's concert rider? (You know. The thing bands/performers send out to concert venues b4 they show up, asking for cheese plates. Perrier at room temperature. A weimeraner dressed up like Abe Lincoln.)

Read it. Laugh.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1004061iggypop1.html

Fightin' the winter blah's...

And they seem to be winning.
(Photo taken on 8/19. Dorajar's B'day..."day" at Minnehaha Park. 78 degree's and Sunny)











I know I haven't been post-a-saurus rex lately. Last week was sort of a bum week for me. Debbie Downer Douchebag. For starter's- Being w/o my own car for 2 days (And still not fixed) The Full Moon, exhaustion, feeling sickish, not having jogged in too long (Corrected this Sunday, thank you) Panic over tests/routes, Panic over $ (unfounded...but there) bad auditions (Which, surprisingly, I get a callback for. Go fig.) Starting the tours (which always stress me out a little) Cooling weather (Where did my summer go? I have so much more outside I need to finish!) God, I almost went as far as posting a "say something nice about me 'cause I really feel like poo" blog. It accumulated to an uncomfortable point.

And I just ain't that kinda blogger, kittens.

And then I reviewed the weekend and thought to myself: "Shoot. It almost seems the same as last week, you know? Moped and I hit 2 cheapie happy hour after starving ourselves through our respective Friday's. Start at Figlio. Cross to Chino. Have our cheap wine and niblets. Engage in WAY too deep of contemplative conversation. Go home with the intention of taking a quick power nap b4 checking out Oktoberfest- We pass out at 8:30pm. And basically I stayed in bed until 9am the next day. I have become the lamest of lames for the 2nd Friday in a row.

What happened to me? I mean, I'd noticed other people's mood shiftsi. (cough cough...Portana)

But stuff did happen this weekend, yes it did, yes it did. I made the executive decision to-
(A) Accept that Saturdays was going to be close to 80 degrees. And b/c of it prolly being the last nice day of the year- I'm not gonna spend it in the dojo or gym.
(B) I was going to meet some of MeeP's friends who headed up from Lawrence to visit.
(C) We were gonna have brefkist, then check out the Orchard.
(D) I was gonna do the tour with a good attitude brought on by a nice nap.
(E) I was going to listen to AL play some of "The Jazz" at D'Amico Cucina afterwards.

Of course, I have some residual self-loathing at not having worked out or studied. I got over it by the time our food came at Hell's Kitchen (Where you should all. Go. Ralph Steadman art COVERs the walls. Great food. Make reservations) The orchard visit was fine, although brief. (Too many pampies. The lines were too long for the free wine-tasting and we decided that our time would be best spent sitting around my patio- just the 6 of us. Good Times. )

Tour was fine. Cleaned up, headed to D'Amico. Sat down. Nibbled some of the free gourmet chocolate AL hooked us up with. Didn't spend a nickel. Home. Then Bed.

Sunday I set out my "to-do" list: Finish the cedar mulching (check) cover the A/C for winter (Check) bring in the power vac to clean the basement (check)...And I ran. It felt like lightening spiking down my leg (Gotta think about new shoes, again. Frass) But I did run. Oh yes I did.



See, I think it was time for a moment of perspective. I think that"Go Go Go"is fine and all for ekeing every little morsel out of life. I do. But I think that there are merits to being able to sit back and take a deeeeeeep breath...and let out the frass. I was wearing myself out and didn' t even know it.

So, this week good stuff indeed. Dinner with the extended fam tonight. Karate. Working out. Studying. "Sylvia" on Thursday. Toury Tours Frids and Sats.

I'll keep you posted. (No worries if I don't chime in daily.)

For the Curious...

Say "Hi" to the Palacio Del P. My humble abode...abode? Adobe? Acrobats?