HMRG(*)

Y'know...if I was to win the lottery, I probably wouldn't git no fancy house on da lake. (Although I probably would raze our cabin and have a nicer "lodge-y" looking one built). And I wouldn't get the super duper deluxe sports car (Something reliable, actually, after years of driving poopy cars I would kill for reliability) I wouldn't buy a mansion (I'd stay in NE Mpls and open a wine/hor's d'ouerve bar next to the Hollywood Theatre. Danke Mom 2.0 for the idea) and I wouldn't trade in my fiancee' for a bustier silicon model (Although I would pay for her laser eye surgery. You hear enough about pesky contact lense woes...well it's a minor inconvenience) And to the surprise of probably many more...I don't think I'd quit my day job.

I would however...take a demotion. Work in the mail room, y'know? I'd push the mail cart around, pick up the outgoing/drop off the incoming. I would certainly wear non-sanctioned work wear like: Jeans that are torn all over ('specially the back two pockets. Gone...so that the heart covered boxers shined like a butt-beacon) Those trashy flannels with the sleeves missing, oh so popular in the late 1980's/early 1990's- and on Mr. T. (I still one from 1992. Pity the fool.) and T-shirts underneath with my own little personal sayings silk-screened on like "Push it Real Good" and "HMRG" (Hot Mail Room Guy*)

P: (pushing up the squeeky mail cart) "Good Moooorning Darlene"
Darlene: (Trying not to make eye contact)" 'Morning."
(P): "Say, did you get that inter-office memooooooo Saaaay. Did you drop a paperclip?? Oooooooooooo" (Bending over straight legged and pretending to pick up a paper clip)
Darlene: (timidly) "No. Wouldyoustopdoingthatpleasethankyou...."
P-"Oh...it's gone now. Oops, the wind. Well, byeeeeeOooooooooooo" (Starts doing mock pushups on the cart handle)

So yeah. Basically what I'm doing at my job right now. Except for the having million$ of dollars part. And the buttless jeans.


(* My t-shirt actually reads "HCCC" or "Hyperactive Company Call Coach"...but you know, that's because these suburban ladies have a different opinion of what's attractive)

For the record: Dating

This, is the be all end all to men and dating. I can't accept anything else because it is simply put- The best advice I've ever been given. Because it was given to me by some smart women.

(Ladies- Humble apologies as this is kinda "Guy-centric" and was born from this "Worst Date Ever" thread I was reading)

1. If you are going on a date, don't EVER bring up the ex. Even if you get a couple of questions from the datee' about her (Or Him), it is remarkably bad form and extremely uncouth. And it makes you seem whiney and bitchy. Which if you are already, stop it. You sound like a 4 year old.
   
2. Ask a lot of questions about them. Stories about you, suck. (Okay, that was advice directly to me/about me from a dear girlfriend...but the message is clear, yeah? Be an actor. Try listening)
   
3. If you are ever dumped, and even if the gal "wants to be friends" (translation: Someone she/he can bitch to regarding their NEW S.O.) drop off the face of the planet. Don't call 'em to check in, Don't call their friends, Don't go to their parties, and if they call you...Don't call them back. It will drive the dumper nuts having the perception that you don't need them, and don't care. (Thanks for that one Ellie-girl. It has saved me tremendous amounts of wasted time and energy.)
   
4. Shave your balls. (Okay, that was Adam Carolla on "Lovelines" saying the best dating advice he ever got was from a stripper. This is why I don't watch the "Man Show")
   
5. Bathe, Wear Clean Drawers, and don't drown yourself in cologne. Do what the ladies do and spray it in the air and walk through it. (In other words, don't point the cologne at yourself like you are re-creating the suicide attempt scene from "Lethal Weapon")
   
6. Women, like bee's and dog's, can smell fear. And desperation. If you think or anticipate that you're gonna get some, chances are she'll put on the red light. Be casual. More importantly, if you do have the jones for someone, don't make it obvious. Don't flirt, don't lean- Don't be what you think. If you act like nothing is a big deal (i.e.: you could care less) without seeming arrogant, it makes you more interesting. Be a big kid who can take care of themself.
   
7. Just because the evening is a wash, doesn't mean you have to be rude. I went on this date that was not a good idea from the get go. (It was obvious from the initial "sizing each other up" that this blind date wasn't going to work.) We still had a great time, BS'ing, learning about each other, asking questions. Never saw her again. 2 hours well spent.
   
8. Just because you like onions and garlic, doesn't make it a good 1st date meal. You'll smell.
   
9. Remember shite. If you've done your home work b4 the date, remembering if they like white over red wine, Yellow Daisey over Roses, and they are Vegetarian, you can make informed choices on what type of gift/date you want to create. (Or, if you don't know their wine preference...bring a bottle of both. Thanks Butterfly Girl for that great 1st date.) If you haven't done your homework, just try and be thoughtful.
   
10. Hold Doors, Say Please and Thank You, and Make eye contact. Try smiling, and for God's sake don't force it.
    
11. Your mom.
12. If they are tall, have great boobs/body/hair, whatever: Stop fucking staring. It makes you seem Pervy. (Thanks for that one Tin-ay-nay. I didn't realize I was doing it.) I was reeeeeally wasted (suprise) at a party and I was chatting w/a young lady who I would go on to date for almost 2 years. I wanted to compliment her, but what came out was a bastardization of what Eddie Murphy said in "Beverly Hills Cop Deux": "Man...You are one- tall- bitch!" SMAAAACK!!!! Yup. I deserved it. And certainly couldn't apologize enough. Try complimenting an item of clothing instead. Or hair...hair is good. (And btw: The boob/butt/hair/body stuff can be saved for when you are dating...just don't over do it or the message is lost. Thanks J, for that. And you'd be suprised to find out how much you can make your S.O. laugh by referring to her bikini-line as "Glow in Dark the Boobs")
    

Pancake FEEEVAH!

This weather is just so loverly. It really is. The AC is off. My run last night didn't cause me to have "swimmy-vision" by the last mile. And I can drive with my windows down... Which, on the last stretch of my commute to work, puts me in sniffin' distance of Perky-Perky Buck Buck restaurant. (You know, I don't think I ever did a Fembers/Denny/Perky lunch or dinner item, ever? Maybe the wayward appetizer or breadbowl heated up with a side of marinara when I was hammered. But my eyes ALWAYS go to the brefkissed menu.)

This morning, I caught the most delicious wiff O' pancakes. And did that ever stimulate a Pavlovian response. I got this sudden urge to get chocolate chip pancakes from IHOP. A pretty self-explanatory meal- 5 pancakes with butter, and a shiteload of chocolate chips. It is a meal that is both terrible and delicious all at once. It got me wondering (in lieu of my commentary a few weeks back on "Fluffer-Nutter" and Peanut Butter sammiches)

What sort of strange food pairings did you either used to, or currently enjoy? I think the weirdest food I'm into is BBQ Chicken/Sauerkraut pizza from Luce'. Don't scoff! It uniquely delish. (I also am curious to try this recipe for chicken breast, pre-treated in a solution of coffee/orange zest/saltwater. Just curious)

Don't cheat now. Yogurt covered pretzels don't count

It's finished.

I got nothing really to say. Really. Wellll, that's not entirely true. I finished Harley Pitter's newest, "The Half Blood Moneymaker". And I cried/got all lumpy/etc...again. Why?

Backstory: I knew about all the hype behind those silly little books.

When the series really took off in the states, I had absolutely no desire to read kid fiction. (Frankly, the dorky robed kids with the broken nerdspecs they kept showing in the paper were a little off-putting.) Call it my tendency to avoid the initial hype of all things popular...I just couldn't find myself getting into it.

Circa Christmas 2000, the Dayton's 8th floor X-mas extravaganza was "All about Potter" (It was something like "Harry Potter and the Holiday Stone"...doofy, I know.) Y'know, I dug it...but, again, nothing to make me run into the bookstore to buy the 1st two novels. And the little kids there drove me nootz. By this time, my mom and brother had bought the books and mama-san was nagging me to start reading them too. Which meant the chances of my reading them diminished tenfold. If mom thought it was "cool", there was the probably chance that it wasn't.

By Early '01, I knew that a movie was in the works...and I figured that I'd better drag my butt out and read them beforehand to get a grip on the source material. (After I re-read the LoTR books of course...after all, the exploits of the One Ring were being filmed in NZ in a rahter grandiose fashion: one after the other. So if found that my excitement was being directed elsewhere.) Long story short: I borrowed Sorcerer's Stone from me Ma-

And I was hooked. DAMMIT!!!

I literally demolished it. Then- Chamber?...gone, Ass-cabin? Finished. Heck, that summer spent out in Medora coincided with the release of "Goblet" (Film coming this Winter) which meant the biggest novel of the series to read and re-read... (I even fought with the g/f out there about how fast I read it. "Let me get this straight- You're mad at me, because you started it first, and I finished it before you?" Readers, Is it any wonder we didn't make it?

(Spoiler coming up, for you purists)

It was after reading "Goblet" that something happened I wasn't expecting: It killed a character. Moreover, it killed a kid. And it came about so suddenly that I found myself sitting on the bed, unable to put 'er down, getting all teary-eyed. Over a book (note: To date, only a couple of books have done that to me: The Stand, It, The Green Mile...see a trend here? And Catcher in the Rye....I cried at the life I wasted trying to read that boring-ass book!!!) I felt kind of foolish, actually. Here I was, die hard against these books not 6 months prior and now here I am all engaged with the kids...The books and characters were no longer "safe". And I kinda liked that...and was pissed that the next one wouldn't be released until 2003.

2003 finally brought "Phoenix" which meant that during our down time during "Odin" and "Red" I'd spend the time reading the hell out of it in the dressing room with Schlo$$er and Hotmama. (With the occasional pre-requisite shouts of: "Okay don't tell me who dies this time!!!") And again, someone did die, and while it (for me) didn't have the same punch as the last book, it still had a certain emotional impact. (And the hopes that a "Major Character Dying!" wasn't going to be the continued selling point of the series. We know already, gosh!)

So I finished it last night..."Prince" that is. And someone does die. And it was someone I thought could die, but would last the series. And again, it didn't really hit me when I 1st read it. When it did hit me, I was already on the last chapter and Rowling had actually written out a funeral for the character. And while my loving girl snored next to me, those stupid hot tears started trickling down again. And I was emotionally brought back to G-ma's funeral last fall. And I thought how wonderful it has been that I've been able to enjoy and endear myselves to these characters for so long now, that their ficitonal well-being actually takes on meaning. And I'm going to start re-reading it again in a month or so, to see if there are any details I missed. And to see if I can make it through without blubbering.

If you're a reader (or if you aren't buried in a script right now) I'd give it a whirl. It's a pretty good book. What she's done is shown you these kids growing up, hormones and all...Funny that, you might see a couple of characteristics of yourself in them.

I should really keep these topical

Cripes, I miss a day and all hell breaks loose. 3 me-me posts? Nut-Ter Butt-Ter.

Updates:

• There is someone in my department who smells strongly of fabric softner sheets. Knock you over strong. This got me wondering: Wouldn't it be a terrific invention for stoners across the world to invent a hemp that smells like fabric softner sheets? Instead of, you know...weed?
  
• I may have accidentally offered my services to the director of KFH if they do a remount. (The lead dude is going after his doctorate. Yeah, like those are worth anything.) It happened like this, see: At last weekends Weefday Party, the director of said show was the date of another director of a show whom I've worked with before. (She's a doll). Well she started going on about Martial Arts , me, and yadda and dude and I started in on our favorite M.A. movies (He'd never heard of "CityHunter". Can you believe it?) and he's all like "Well what do you know?" And I'm all like "Well what do you want?" and he's back all like "Do a Hung Gar open fist form" and I'm all like again "Hung Gar sucks, what about Choy la Fut?" and he's all laaaaughin and shit. (ahem) So, yeah. This is how it usually happens with me. I get a little druuuunk, say I'm an actor and stuff, tell people I'm available, then I start agreeing to shit, and before you know it BLAM! People think I'm easy. Well I'm not, NOT you hear me! I'm not some tawdry whore actor! I'm NOT! Cheap, just not tawdry.
  
• 
  
• Speaking of which, Bald Director Scalpel passed my name on to the director of MSP as a recommendation to audition for their fall production of "Beavis and Crescent Roll". Very inopportune time for performances, and I had to pass...but, Scalpel has entered the pantheon of directors who are just too cool for school. That makes me feel good. Just. Good.
  
• I ran outta ginseng. It was part of my holistic au natural morning supplemental goodness. Boy can I feel the effects of not having it. I've grown so accustomed to walking around with a semi-erect...hey. Where'd you all go?
  
• In case y'all wanted to know, I tried on this very tiny Peter Pan kinda top with a space helmet when Kaiser came into the store last Saturday. Well...he wanted to know what kinda costumes I'd try on. I told you dude, it can get lonely in costume land.
  

The Starting Gate kittens are having their gala fundraiser tonight. If you are going, bring your checkbook, and have a swanky time. I'll be slaving at the Hartford til the wee hours, then putting some more time in at the dojo. You know. In case I'm feeling agreeable.

Geograpy bits

She's gonna start charging me for these....thanks Rusty.


5 things about where I live

1. I live ridiculously close to the casa del Redwright/Wagner
   
2. It's considered an "Up and Coming Neighborhood"
   
3. We have a two story house. If I've gone on an impressive jog, those stair suck.
   
4. We bought the 11th house we looked at. It may have been a fixer-upper, sans functional garage (It's an old Model T garage)- but the selling points were a new roof, new electric, new ac, new heater, new-er windows, and the potential for a 2nd and even 3rd bathrooms. It was nice to have the "big" things that would have been a bitch to have fixed up, out of the way first. And that's basically turning a frown upside down.
   
5. The basement (Knock on wood) is ridiculously dry for an older home. The inspector blames the huge non-porous foundation blocks which were used to build during pre-cinder block technology. Apparently they were drug in on large logs by Egyptian Slaves, whilst the Pharaohs of Olde Nordeast look oer their kingdom.
   

Weef Stealin'

She always has her some good me-me's:

7 quirks (Extended from the 5 quirks in Weefville.)

1. Gotta have an empty sink- I hate dishes.
   
2. I am extraordinarily complimentary. (When I was a young man, Dad told me that it wins friends and influences people. And gramma used to say "Flattery will get you everywhere". Try it. It makes people feel good for a change.)
   
3. (This one will seem creepy) When I meet people, or if I'm out and about, or whatever: I always size up the situation/person. How you carry yourself, posturing, Do you lead with your left or your right, have they had training, etc. It's not a "I could take 'em" kind of thing- more like precautionary analysis. That's why I hatehatehate obnoxious folks who like to throw "fake punches" or exhibit violent outward tendencies. Or even folks who say "Boo!". One half of me just let's it slide, the other half fights the urge to take the person out. It probably makes little sense...but that's why it is a quirk, right? To my reader, Molly buck-buck...ask Ry-Gonn about the time he was goofing and wanted to hit me. (Just try and hit me Napoleon.)
   
4. I hate making phone calls too. I like face to face's, setting up emails. I just suck at making outbound calls. (When I was a kid, I used to get all frumpy when my mom would ask me to call stores for their hours of operation.) Funny though, I was completely compulsive when it came to calling up J and setting up a first date.
   
5. I'm a noticer. Call it ADHD, short attention span, whatever. I'm always looking at rooms and surroundings, and people. Trust me...I'm listening. I'm just taking in the world is all. (I thought of this because of my Sunday trip to the farmers market, I saw a building with Lion-Head reliefs sticking out midway up. And some dude at the Market had a tank top with the name of my elementary school on it.)
   
6. This may fall into the realm of overshare, but I groom meticulously in order to be a more considerate lover. That means shaving in the evening, keeping the fingie and toenails short, brushed teeth, no ridiculously stinkie food unless the partner has had it. This is also to have a more kissable mug when going out in public.
   
7. I always have to sit facing the door at a restaurant. When I wait for J to be seated first, she usually picks that seat and it drives me nuts. (Trust me, I've gotten over it, but what if some ne'er do well comes in to start a fracas? How will I be able to provide the anti-fracassing?)
   

Gimme your 5 quirks.

It's pronounced, "Miz-Zoo-rah"

Bogarted from da weef!

You're Missouri!

An admirer of the works of Mark Twain and the steamboat lifestyle, you are happiest when floating gently down the river. You have a strong sense of independence, a reverence for saints, and even look up to discredited explorers. With all these traditional influences, it's no surprise you're at the center of everyone you know, and are even considered a gateway to the future. If only you could stop drinking the world's worst beer, you'd be set.


What state are you?

For your Monday Enjoyment

What stickers do you have on your car? None. I think that they're kinda dumb and distracting.


How/where did you meet your last bf/gf? Doing a show. It's where I've met nearly all of 'em

What do you hear right now? The sound of people talking about Life Insurance.

If you could have a drink of anything right this second, what would it be. Coffee...hey wait, I am drinking coffee.

Does anything hurt on your body right now? Everything. Too much working out.

what's your job position called? Call Coach, Senior Consultant. (Night Job- Sales Consultant)
Dream job- Actor.

What size shoe do you wear? 10.5

What are you wearing right now? You're kinky. I like that. White shirt and pretty tie. Green slacks. Poofta shoes.

Do you own a camera phone? No. I need one.

What's your significant other's birthday? Not applicable. And it'd take too long to go through all my SSGF's birthdays.

What's your Mom's favorite band/musician? Easy listening anything, books on tape.

What's your Dad's favorite band/musician? Urm, Billy Joel. Seriously folks, they like talk radio.

What was your highschool's mascot? The Pirates Baby!

What's your favorite alcoholic beverage? Pinot Grigio, or a nice vodka martini.

What's the next concert/show you're going to and when? The Front Page and Moon over My-hammy at TRP are coming up reasonably soon. And I'm probably going to wind up seeing Booty and the Beast again at some point.

What were you doing at 9 pm last night? Having a glass of chardonnay on the porch, or measuring out the base boards...one of the two.

What's your favorite Starbucks drink? Non-fat Mocha with no whip cream.

Did you attend your High School prom? Yeah, I've blergged about that before so I won't bore y'all. 6 proms was plenty.

...And another thing. Just to be fun-fun

• When I was apartment hunting a few years back, I saw a sign in the front of one of the apartments that said "Senior Rentals". I went in to the front office and said "Hi, I'm looking for something around 84, 85 years old...preferrably female with a scooter?" I was promptly thrown out.
  
• (Keep it inside, P) I saw a woman down in the cafeteria bent over the toaster, plastic knife in one hand...butter pat open and ready in the other. I had to fight a ridiculously strong urge to sing "I'm a ssssslaaaave...to the toastah!!!"
  
• My Indian co-worker is hilarious. Apparently I was hogging an ExCel Spreadsheet. She asked me politely if I could get out of it for a minute so she could update some of her info. I sarcastically said "Mmmm, no. I'm gonna stay in it allll daayyyy loonnng". Her response? "I'm going over there and I'm going to break your computer." (Granted, if you imagine her response with an Indian accent you might laugh as hard as I did)
  
• My boss was frazzled and ran to my desk saying "Did you respond to that email I JUST sent you?". When she asked me, she did the mime typing gesture with her hands. ("Myping"? Is that right?) I said "I just sent you the response (All while myping back to her) If you want, I can do a follow up call (Phyming or "Phone Mime") " For some weirder reason I started in on the song "Gin and Juice" to a co-worker in the vincinity, except I mimed out the lyrics. "Laaaaid back, with my mime on my money and my money on my mime"
  
• Funny Indian Co-worker story # 2: She was trying to tell a friend who was visiting from off-site about something I did (The whole bicep/kiss/"Oooooo" sound effect ala Ron Burgundy) "End den he valks to my desk venn I'm on da fone end he does dis ting vere he goes 'Ooooo' end starts do dalk about it burning end denn he does dis (kisses her own arm) end I'm like 'I'm on da fone!' The only thing I could say back was "I'm suprised they even let me in the building today." ("Vhy?") "Because they BAN GUNS ON THE PREMISES Oooooooooooo" (More faux flexing and preening.)
  

Rented

Just cause I wanna complain-

Job # 2 happens to rent new and sell "retired" tuxes. What I happen to dislike with an absolute passion are people that call in and say the following:

Person: "I understand you sell tuxedo's?"
Me: "Yes. We sell retired tuxes, shoes, vests, and ties."
Person: "Oh. By retired, you mean used." (That last part being said with an oh-so condescending "I can see through your onion-skinned chicanery. You won't fool me with your foolish snake oil words!")

Me: "Nooooo. I mean they spent 36 years busting their asses in the plant, and instead of heading down to sit poolside at a senior community in Arizona they decided to spend their twilight years working for us! RETIRED!!! Now do you want to come into the store and buy one or not, fuckbake? 9:30 to 8:30pm Monday Through Friday."

Birthday Boys

Eat your self 68 Puddin' Pops- Bill "The Cos" Cosby turned 68 yestiddy. Kids might not remember The Cos's early comedy records (Something Big Bro and I would listen to in the car), 'cause kids have all their rap music with the Hippin and the hoppin and the bippin and the boppin. (MUCH funnier if you say that last part while doing a Cos impression.)

And some more cool dudes: Picard and Han Solo (IMHO, Ford is long overdue for an Oscar. Or at least a role that get's him his Oscar. "Hollywood Homicide"...what the FUCK Han?!?!)

Lastly, I wanted to point out cool dude numero uno- My big brother- Turns 33 today. That's right, Christ's age. So please let me present you a rip-roaring roast of my big bro: (true to life)

• His nickname growing up was "Thumper". (Due to a picture of Thumper being in his bed room) He hated the nickname until he got into karate...And sure enough, that's what he had silkscreened on his hat.
  
• Speaking of names, he hated his true 1st name so he was called by his middle name- Until High School when he found out the chicks dug it...("OMG, you have the same name as a character on 'DAYS'???")
  
• We shared a bunk bed before he moved into his "big kid room". He had a little boom box where we'd go to sleep listening to Talking Heads, The Nylons, and Howard Jones. No shit. For pure nostalgia purposes I now own all of the CD's. (Howard Jones "One to One" is an under-appreciated gem)
  
• We turned the Winnebago into the Millenium Falcon. He was Han, I was Luke, and our Siberian Husky "Nook" (Yeah, like Nanook) was Chewie. Otherwise, it was the Enterprise, and we used our dirtbikes for the "away team" missions.
  
• He used to practice his Goddamn trumpet right before I went to bed in elementary school.
  
• He used to talk to all my girlfriends on the phone before he'd give it to me. Then they'd be all like "Ooooohhh, you're brother is sooooo funny...") Barf.
  
• His ex-girlfriends used to take me out and want to talk about him. One of them took me on a "date" to see Terminator 2...This would always make me feel verrrry uncomfortable.
  
• In '93, he auditioned and got cast in a local community theatre production of "Babes in Arms" (I didn't want to do it, and they really needed guys.) and got cast, ironically enough, as "Roman Calhoun". The day before his very first rehearsal (And after the initial read-through) He asked me for "acting tips"- I said "Well first, you want to memorize your lines", to which he responded "I already did." Show off. Whatever, he barfed before every performance.
  
• At Disney World in 1979, our folks took us on the (then) brand new ride "Space Mountain". They had to stop the ride because my brother was trying to throw me out of the car.
  
• An old track/cross country geek, he used to eat almost anything. (On an average sitting, he could put away 2 Double Whoppers-Heavy Everything, Fries, and a large Coke. Then have candy Whoppers later.) Mega-Skinny. After 12 or so years of being removed from that, he's now a little self conscious about his body image.
  
• In 1999, he proposed to his 1st fiancee' right after winning the NCKA Midwest championships. What I mean is: and he whupped the dude, turned to his fiancee', and took the engagement ring out of his gi, and proposed. Awwwwww, idn't dat romantic? A nice, sweaty ring box. (Btw: He proposed to his wife in Ireland.)
  
• Things my brother has done to me: Shot (1980- He wanted to shoot a leopard frog to show off to his friends when I tried to protect it. He popped a cap on the top of my hand. My mom beat his ass soooo hard.) Stabbed (Threw a shuriken at me in 1985), Beaten (Routinely, since he started karate in 1990 including: bruised ribs, bloodied nose, and hyperextended arms.) shot with a wrist rocket, and strangled.
  
• Speaking of beating, he had choreographed this great "2 person attack" routine to do for his 2nd degree black belt exam- we had it worked out brilliantly, throwing in a little ju-jitsu for good measure. Well Mr. Fancy Pants got allll caught up in "the moment" that instead of this great throw he had (where I would roll out of it to do a 2nd attack) he frickin' FLIPPED me (for real) and I landed flat on my back- knocking the wind out of me. Yeah. Real nice. In front of all of the grandmasters, no less.
  
• The last time I could kick his ass was when I was 15 and he was 18...pre-Karate. We had a knock down drag'em out because I called him a name (He was walking around in running tights for Crissakes) and we got into it. My mom broke it up and we shared a laugh about it. The next fall he enrolled in the school, and has been faaairly untouchable by yours truly. (I did give him a good one in sparring. "Nice. Good Power." was all he said. Then, he went back to kicking my ass.
  
• He bows when he shakes your hand.
  
• In case you are wondering, he's studied in almost every stupid Martial Art there is. Seriously. His black belt test in Gum-Do was to put out a candle with a sword. Without the blade touching the candle.
  
• He used to routinely fall back asleep on the toilet.
  
• Even though he isn't a homosexual, I think he likes the attention he gets from being hit on by drag queens. (Again with the "Ohhhh, your brother is sooo gorgeous.")
  
• He went from never touching a drop of liquor (Until he turned 25) to being the biggest freakin' booze snob out there. (i.e. Unless it's Patron, it isn't "real" tequila. Dork.)
  
• He scares my friends
  
• His wife is getting her PhD in Neuro-Science. She told me that they are working on a brain microchip that helps amputee's control their limbs by using their brainwaves. It can make for faaaabulous dinner conversation. Oh, and how they "lost" a radioactive syringe once and sent her into the bio-hazard bin to find it. Ummmm, kay.
  
• He is one of the most loyal, honorable people I know. He's also the best (and only) roommate I've ever had or wanted. Even though he would always make mac and cheese and leave the leftover pan in the sink. GROSS!!!!
  

Yes folks, this represents only a smidgen of my big brothers talents. I'm always so damn proud of him. Now, does anyone want to buy his house?

Swiped from the weef...


I Am Maui
You love life and you're determined to live to the fullest. You use your bag of tricks to protect those you care about and to teach those who mess with you and yours a lesson, but you're not unreasonable. You're a tinkerer and an inventor, you love to build stuff. You enjoy hanging out with good friends or being out in nature. Like the Hawaiian Trickster Maui, your amiable nature fools those who think you're an easy target. You're not.

Which trickster are you?

An Ode to BeeP's*

(*)My hometown, thankyouverylittle. Kaiser recently ranted about the Mipples Vs. StaPunk argument (which I grow very weary of in very short fashion. People…who rip on cities, that aren’t their own…need lives badly. Moreso than indoor kids. And they killed Kennedy) So I thought I’d sing a halcyon song regarding my (snitch..snerk..teehee) love for my hometown. Cue, Mr. Springsteen (My information may be a little dated, as I haven’t lived there full time in a few years)

• 
  We had a Pro-Wrestler mayor before he up and decided he wanted to be governor. (Seriously. I had to sing w/my HS small group for the mayor’s bkfst. Hilarious to see all these dudes in suits and smack in the middle was this big bearded dude in a leather vest and head scarf. I took all of my power not to go up and say "Blaine, you vere a gud soldier.". This is reason # 208 I’ll never work at the G w/Angela Bacitracin.)
  
  
• We have the mostest bad ass drive in. Well, it sucks, but we still have a drive in.
  
• We’re trying so-hard not to be ghetto-ish. A High End interior design center was built in the building which used to house KNOX lumber. Light’s on Broadway is a high-end lighting design center. A huge indoor water park. What the citizens hear tell was that during the 70’s and early 80’s, the then mayor got a fat kick back for building affordable housing. (Email me if you need a translation) That affordable housing became sort of partnered with criminal activity…and a reputation was born. Hey, we were mentioned on Oprah.
• 
  Car Dealerships baby. 2nd only to WBL!
• 
  A stones throw away from the BEST Dale….Buh-ROOKDale! The only 1-level Dale in alllll the Dale chains. Holding on to life by a thread for years, they tried putting a Burns and Nipples, an Old Scavey, and a GAP in there to spruce it up. No good. As of 3 months ago (J and I ventured a visit for nostalgia purposes) that place had only 2/3rds of it’s stores running. Sad.
• 
  Crabapplebeege’s: That’s right baby, yours truly has acheived a fame akin (Famekin, wasn't the name of a Chinese Restaurant?) to Alexander of Macedonia! I am pasted All OVER the back of the store (In one tiny section reserved for the local community college drama department) From the earth shattering perfomances of Tereus # 1 in Love of the Nightengale, Rusty Cornhole in Guys and Dolls, and as an 18 year old playing a 80 year old in Noises Off (Seriously...make up be damned, silver hair spray WILL make you look older, swear!) Those pics are placed RIGHT next to the can, so you can see me before or after you relieve yourself. Whether you do so on the pictures...is really up to you, Mr or Mrs. Grodie-Gus.
• 
  Home of the 1st official Lifetime Fitness. (And the 1st "wet sauna" that smelled like tuna fish... Truth. I got a free membership for a week when they first opened and nearly barfed when I opened the door.)
• 
  LPGA, baby. Go Women’s Pro GOLF!!! (Edinburgh is a nice golf course. 'Spensive, but nice)
• 
  We have a Library, a hockey rink, AND an armory…thank you.
• 
  We raze mini-mom and pop malls at the rate of One Mall a Year!!! (To build more town houses. I don’t even know what happened to Village North. One minute it’s there, the next…gone.)
• 
  Home of the Pirates, Knights, Rams, and Reds etc…
• 
  Ummm, like, the 5th or 6th most populated suburb in the State?
  
  That’s all I got for now. I read a blog or two that are posted by former ’93 PCH classmates of mine. One of ‘em still lives there. Ssssscary.

It's ridiculously busy here at the oriface, so I've decided to be blatantly lackadaisical and post the illustrious: 3rd blog!!! (Also, I was walking by some dude's desk here and he has a color 8 x 10 picture of Ronald Reagan on the wall of his cube . WTF? What inspires my weirdness? Seeing someone elses.)

MORE STRANGE BUT TRUE THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT P!!!

1. I'm weird about symmetry. I've tried to teach myself to be ambidextrous in order to maintain balance. After I take a shower, I dry left to right. (I'm right handed, if you hadn't guessed. Sometimes I'll try to dry off in the opposite direction but it feels weird.) In karate, it's the opposite (Left side is stronger at punching/kicking.)
   
2. I think Exaggeration can be fun.
   
3. I like my job. Not a lot, but I like it.
   
4. I used to eat burnt match heads as a kid
   
5. And raw oysters, but I've blogged 'bout that before
   
6. I guess I'm saying I ate some weird crap as a kid. Like that marshmallow spread on peanut butter sandwiches.
   
7. Speaking of showers, I shave in the shower and...
   
8. I always shower in the evening. (A man shaves during the day, a gentleman at night.)
   
9. As kids, we rescued hurt or injured wild animals. My brother and I "rescued" farm eggs from Iowa & put'em in an ice cream bucket under a lamp. They hatched, and we ended up raising two chickens to adulthood. When we gave them back to the farm, they both committed suicide in the horse water-trough. Apparently they were delicious.
   
10. I loathed fundraising. Whether it was for scouts, hockey, choir, whatev. It sucked. I begged my parents to take the (candy, wreaths, sausages) to work.
    
11. My 8th grade Art Teacher had a terrific saying for ignoring gossip and 2nd hand news "Consider the Source". He had it up on the wall on a postcard, written in calligraphy. I've never forgotten that.
    
12. I love remembering 1st meetings, or run-ins. If you want me to email you our first, or a memorable run-in, let me know.
    
13. I hate guns, and I hate gambling. I'm doubtful I would have ever survived in the old West.
    
14. I believe in past lives. (Yeah, I was a samurai. And I probably did some pretty heinous things, cause some days I think I'm paying for it.)
    
15. In grade school, my favorite animal was the panther, and my favorite state was South Dakota. Now, I'm my own favorite animal.
    
16. When I was 6, and swimming in the Gulf of Mexico a jellyfish swam up my butt. It got scared and lashed itself all around my body. To this day, it's caused me to be deathly afraid of thong underwear.
    
17. See comment #2 regarding exaggeration. (It sounded better than "I got 2rd degree burn sunburn and had to spend 3 days in bed, smothered in burn-cream")
    

Leave it to MPR...to make obtaining commercial work seem superfluous.
If you heard the spot on the ad company this morning, you know what I mean.


"Then the actors they like are asked to come have another try...or 'callback'."

Guh. They made it sound so damn condescending. And here I am trying to listen to MPR to help calm my nerves.

Shout out to peeps in London. 'Specially my friend's girl Abi-Normal.

(E-mail from P, to P's friend Gay-SSSsspshshsssteve.)

"Oompa, Loompa Doompity Dump,
I know a midget-that you can hump...
Oompa, Loompa, Doompity Day,
I pretty sure, the little guy's gay... "


His response?:

"Dude, you're gonna get me fired. Oh, btw I'm going to Stevie Nicks."


Mine?

"What? Isn't that the 'One More Sandwich' tour?"

Him:

"You're mean. Funny stuff, but mean"

Me:

"You can gooo your own waaaaaay.....As long as it's Subway-e-yaaay"



A little punchy today. Countertops have been delivered and installed, and I've got a major You-Know-Whut to get home and see 'em. It's either that, or I've a hormone imbalance. Causing the...you-know-wh...nevermind.

Somedays, this is just the way the gears turn.

Mom is weird...

...but I'm weirder.

(Quick backstory- Mom and Dad are moving from the 'hood to the 'burbs. INasmuch, they are in a mad dash to fight their pack-rat ways, and make the house "sellable" . I visit weekly to check their progress, and lend a hand. )

P- (noting a "Wig Head" just sitting on the corner of the floor.) "Hey ma, can I have that?"
Mom- "Why, you aren't gonna throw it away, are you"
P- "Why'd I ask for it if I was just gonna throw it away?!? Can I have it or not?"
Mom- "Sure. What'd you need it for? Are you gonna put a Darth Vader mask on it?"

P- (Taking a second to register what she just said.) Excuse me?
Mom-"I figured you'd put a mask or something on it. D.V. just came to mind"
P-"Ummmm. Wait, wha? Did you...Did I...?"
Mom-"Hon, just take it...I don't care."
P-"Ma, that's just really weird. I mean..."
Mom-"Why is that weird?"
(pause)
P- "Go and look outside in 2 minutes"

(Insert "Imperial March" here.)




So, I never told her that I bought a Darth Vader mask from job #2. What's more, she didn't know that was precisely why I wanted the wig head. It was, really, the 1st thing that popped in her head when I asked. My dad looked at us like we were crazy when we both started laughing at the Darth Vader mask, mounted on my car like a jerry rigged hood ornament.

Mom told me that we P's were a little psychic. Psycho or psychic...I can't remember which. Something about witchy-witch craft in the ol' Pennsylvania Dutch blood.

Hey…all right. It’s an okay nude day.


Due to 86’ing booze for the last couple of days, the bloat is reducing (meaning looser pants today) vascularity is returning, and after all the damn exercise: I’m flippin sore. H opefully this will mean I’m not too self-consious to get into a pool on Monday. Please oh please be a sunny day.

Some good news: Our counter tops were delivered yesterday, and are getting installed today. Meaning our kitchen will be 89% complete. (Still awaiting some $ for window frame wood, and the remainder of the recessed lighting inserts. To quote Hall and Oates, those MN Zoo concert cancelling mo-fo’s: "Soooo Close…yet so far away.") Regardless, having the counters installed will mean no more jerry rigged card board counters, and pretty soon- a working dishwasher. When does that increased resale value kick in again?

Random fact: My favorite GI Joe was Snake Eyes, followed by Stormshadow. Ninja’s always kicked ass.


Have a safe and happy 4th of July weekend y’all. Geef- Break a leg on opening. (I hope to goodness he was able to work the "door bit" in.) Weef- Congrats on the new jobski. If it was my last day, I’d show up to work nekkid. Or maybe dressed in a toga made entirely of insurance applications.