ICYC*

*In case you're curious-

My creamer remains untouched as of Wednesday. Last week at this time? It was nearly empty. I'm keeping my eyes peeled for people who look like they've lost sleep due to their GUILTY ASS CONSCIENCE'S!!!

Ahem.

Eff a bunch of food kleptomaniacs.

If you haven't guessed, I have very few things I say I can "hate" on. Canned mushrooms. Reality TV. Glenn Beck. Other drivers. All legit "hates". What can really color your day, are the food klepto's. It was bad enough a few weeks back when some D-bag took a bite out of my sammich and put it back. It's another thing entirely to get my yogurt and discover it's disappeared. (For some reason, people just really like to make off with their acidophilus fix)

The cake hath now been taketh, for over the last two weeks I've noticed that my fat free vanilla creamer has felt suspiciously lighter by the end of the week. (A small bottle usually gets me through M-F with some to spare. And that accounts for my a.m. and p.m. caffeine fix.) Yesterday was the proof in the pudding, as I was pouring it into my mug and was greeted with a trickling that barely changed the color of the coffee. (I'm kinda like James Belushi in "Red Heat" where there's a magical alchemical formula for that perfect coffee to creamer or coffee to cream/sugar ratio.) Needless to say, I was pissed.

So today, after scheming up a few Machiavellian revenge scenarios (Fill the empty bottle with cottage cheese and milk? Vinegar? BBQ sauce and water?) I decided that a little note taped to the bottle would suffice. It reads as follows:

To the person who has been stealing my creamer:
Just so you know, this stuff isn't cheap and what you are doing is still THEFT. Therefore I have licked the lid to this container, and I may or may not have a cold sore.

ps: I will be doing this on future bottles of creamer. HANDS OFF!

The way the gears turn

I really like having buddy cooking nights coming back. (I know, I know...this is probably sounding more like a hippo blog. Go with me.) Since Moda has a shortie rehearsal I figured I'd buck the tradition of "I make breakfast and grill/She makes dinners" and whip something up. Thing is, I'm such a frassy flibbertigibbity impatient bing-bong that I'll look at close to 14 recipes before eventually picking up taco's and arranging them on a plate like I made them myself. I exude frass.

After having tiring non-run day, I went to bed last night fully prepared to say "eff it" and chop up a bunch of veggies for marinated tofu veggie wraps. Leaving for work this morning, I was silently cursing the unwashed masses making my commute hell when I noticed a ton of trucks on the road. So where did I go with this seemingly random observence?

"Hm. Many trucks. Well of course, they're bringing in fresh sea food. Metro Mag had that article last month about the best time to buy seafood being Thursday, which is today. Ergo, the increase in diesel guzzlers can clearly be attributed to the fresh delivery of ocean fare to the Twin Cities stores and restaurants. Perhaps this is a sign I should try making seared scallops with pasta. Perhaps I should."

Yeah. Don't ask. I wound up making a joke about the movie "Any Which Way But Loose" this morning (Clint Eastwood and an Orangutang? Glorious comedy!) and all the babies looked at me like a grew a nipple on my forehead. I looked at the one person who knew what I was talking about and said-

"Well. There I go again dating myself. What? Oh. It was nice. I was a little embarrassed when I ordered a glass of wine and myself was actually trying not to drink for Lent. Myself was pretty charming. I don't know if we'll go out again, but we agreed to do coffee later in the week. Myself had a pretty sweet smile and was really good at directing the conversation back at myself. Who knows. Oh- And when I went to pay, myself insisted we go Dutch. That's pretty 80's, but that's cool. I'll pick up the coffee for myself and I later."

What is this madness?

Coming to my census...

5. That is the number of badgering correspondence requesting I fill my 2010 census form out. I did it, of course. (And considered adding George teh Kitteh as a co-resident. I resisted, of course...) It's the dumbest thing ever and it doesn't really give one the sense of civic pride that comes with, say, voting. But I did it. It got me thinking of where I was 10 years ago and why those bastards at the census bureau didn't pester me then...then I realized life was very different. I was, of course, a C.H.U.D. (Carnal Hedonist Uptown Dweller) then I realized that I wasn't living in Uptown at all at the time which made me switch it to C.H.A.D. (tm) which stood for Crazy Headcase Apartment Dweller. Far more accurate. (RSvP and I lived in SE Mipples by the "U") Incidentally, and no offense to the Chad's of the world, but I think calling someone a "Chad" would be a great insult. Akin to "D-Bag". You go to a bar with a bunch of white ball-capped D-Bags? "Man. This place is crawling with Chads. Let's bail and get taco's." See?

Anyway, my point is 10 years ago I wasn't census'd. I did, however, get my wisdom teeth pulled. Coincidence? I think not.

What else...

I saw "Crank" and "Crank 2" (Hey. When Moda is at rehearsal it becomes bad movie night) Anyway, these flicks are inSANE. Not even bad, just insane...to the point where I found myself liking them in spite of their high bullshit factor. They were more action comedy than anything.
They made you want to...I don't know. Chug 6 Red Bulls and go for a run. Insane.

Oh. I'm starting improv classes at the Be-NeW. It'll be a hoot. I gotta be really honest, I'm not too hip on "games" etc. Zip Zap Zop? Nope. But it'll be nice to have a different outlet and see what all the fuss is about. Buddies like Ry-Gonn have been asking me to do it for a while now. And I think that dad would've liked it too. We shall see.

Sprang has Sprung

Hey ho there! My daily lack of blogging is going to catch up with me. I BLAME THE WEATHER! So starting last weekend we evidenced a HUGH-mongous warm up. My yard is entirely sans snow and the only accumulation that's visible, really, are the mondo piles that've been pushed up in parking lots. Well, that and the snow mold- or "mould". That mystery had me reeling and thinking pod people were living in my yard.

So yeah, I've been trying to play outdoors more. Can you blame me? 60 degrees! In Mid-March! And it's High School tourney/March Madness! This is going to poke some serious holes in my airtight theories regarding MN Winters. (Note to...well everyone who thinks that this was a mild winter? Just remember- It never really ended from last year. I'm talking winter of 08/09 sorta trailed off into Fall from April to November and we got dumped on. Again. And December was witch-tatty cold)

Lo and behold the 1st day of Spring is approaching this Caturday. And while I've only but cautiously removed plastic from the kitchen windows (HOLY MOTHER I WAS ABLE TO AIR OUT MY HOUSE!!!) it'll be no time before I'm in full spring madness. That said, here are some tips and reminders for early Spring fever:

1- Just because the precipitation goes from snow to rain, doesn't mean people are going to drive any better. In fact, their confusion may make them drive worse. Trust public transportation.

2-If you have buddies who smoke, the melty snow will invariably show where they tossed their butts. Instead of the large tin can with cat litter in it that you left out for them to use as an ash tray.

3-Avocados. Totally in season. Get your guac on. Or Breakfast burrito. Or soup. Chow down on that noble vegetable while the chowing is good.

4-If you live in the city, your tap water is gonna reek for a few weeks. Runoff. Pure and simple.

5-One of my walking/jogging routes is by a dog park. Smell has no fury like a winters worth of melty poop.

6-When the weather spikes, people will foolheartily don their shorts. Be warned. There may be a glare.

7-I'd, um, well don't just put away your salt or shovels yet. I'm just sayin'...

They'RRRRRR GrrrrrEAT!

So I discovered via Melinite's Blog that I completely spaced this is the year of the TIGER according to my Chinese horoscope. How I could have flipping forgot this is beyond me. I suppose I was thinking of cheese. So it is my belief that this year, MY year, has to be flights and bounds better than my Ass-y 2009 and I resolve to try and look for the minutiae that make life grand and try to keep my optimism and general faith in human nature afloat. Unless it's Glen Beck or if I'm in my car during my commute. All bets are off then, sucka's.

It made me look back on where I was 12 years ago and trying to remember what made that a "good" year, so I dug into the archives (read: my planner/journal) to see what sort of place I was in at the time. Let's just say I was very...young. Okay:

-I was in what was to be my last year of college. It was my first full year as a single man after spending roughly the previous 7-8 years in one monogamous relationship after another. (Which meant I never spent too much time with my classmates, I hadn't really immersed myself in the program, and didn't know folks too well outside of acadamia) In other words, I wasn't running off from school to spend time with my giiiirlfriend.

-Subsequently, apppparently (the notes/journal gets fuzzy about this at times) I started dating within the program. I began working on my all-new old cheap moves, and went on many dates to the Riverside Perkins. World class charmer, I am.

-I saw a majority of my undergraduate buddies naked in "Hair". Again, very important as college was never really the bacchanalian orgy I had imagined from movies like "Animal House" or "Revenge of the Nerds".

-I got in my 1st show at TRP. Getting cast outside of school/way-off suburban community theatre made me feel like a big-kid. And put me on track for working my nuts off trying to start and get paid gigs.

-I purchased a big-kid bed. Queen sized mattress at an Uptown liquidator. I was so excited (after having slept on the couch for 3 months) that I heaved that thing up 3 flights all by my lonesome, throwing my back out in the process. I slept "sans" sheets for another 2 weeks.

- Apparently I started hanging with work co-workers a lot more as well. I was promoted to "Big-Balance" collections which meant a raise. I started hanging out at more Downtown bars and not dive/sports bars out in the 'burbs. I befriended Guiness, Gimlets, and red wine. One of them, dear old Ellen, was kind of like my personal fashionista...but worldly. My personal hipster teacher. Gave the dumb advice on things like how to pick wine. Making sure my belt and shoes were the same color. Cologne that worked with my body. (There's a reason I stopped coating my body with Preferred Stock) How to "not" talk about ex-girlfriends when taking a woman on a date. How to look like a million bucks by shopping at Opitz with only $20. Hair product s#it to use. She knew doormen at The Lounge and the old Pickled Parrot which would get us into VIP areas for free. We'd eat steamed mussels and sling back Manhatten's or Bloody Mary's at the Loring while listening to samba music. Seriously, she was one of the first female friends I had that I had chop down straight up platonic feelings for. And was cool. And it was helpful.

Especially when she would introduce me to her girlfriends. What? >: D

- I visited my friend in NYC for the 1st time. (NY, not my friend) I learned that getting recommendatios as to what Broadway show I should see can be a dicey game at best. (FYI- I thought "Hedwig" sucked my hedwig. I remember watching people walk out of the Jane Street theatre and envying them)

-I got my first Spider-Man costume. '98 was the year they actually started producing liscensed Marvel super-hero costumes, and even though the mask was a big doofy looking foam thing, it was the 1st Spider-Man costume I'd owned since I was 13.

-Dad retired. Before he did, and basing my rationale on things I learned in my Career Preparation for Actors class- I purchased a couple of suits. (We were advised that you should have suits to be able to wear to On-Camera auditions when needed. Okay?) The style and cut were actually the same as the suit my big brother owned so we ended up looking kind of like mannequins. I remember drinking Jameson straight up with my dad and teasing big brother about his Bailey's on the rocks. It felt amazing. Like big kids.

-This would be the first year I schlepped around my first Fringe Festival. There were, like, 4 venues. And about 30-40 theatre/dance groups. Funny thing, 12 years can do.


All told, it was a great year to be entering your "Quarter Life Crisis". I did the dumb, ego-centric things a single 24 year old can do. (Did I mention the young lady I went on a couple of dates with and would leave 5-7 minute rambly messages on my voicemail which I'd play for my friends to our amusement? Or supplying liquor to a couple of Luthern College minors at the behest of my ex-girlfriend only to have them get so loaded we needed to pull over 6 x's so they could heave all over the freeway? All decisions aren't the best decisions)

The year has a bit of a head start on me, but I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. You know? I landed a show up in Bemidji/Brainerd/Egypt. I'm driving a new vehicle. I've been steadily dating a really great gal. I have plans to start getting my hands dirty, really dirty again on the house. Shit that I know I've profrasstrinated on for too long. (Heck, I've even started the minor douche-y stuff around the lawn like cleaning debris.) I'm auditioning next week at the BNW for their performance class, something that I've always had in my periphery but never went after. (Oh, how dad...and Ry-Gonn for that matter used to pester me to do it.) I'm running a 10K then a 1/2 marathon. I've kiboshed (moooostly. Please don't begrudge a man for needing a beer after a really shite day) alcohol for Lent.

So maybe that's all the year of the Tiger is, right? The ability to actualize and create your own path by your own hand.

Shoot.

I might have to sit down with my copy of "The Path of Least Resistance" again...

Suck it, Winter!!!

Wheee, Doggies. Who has two thumbs and hung up his deep winter Columbia Jacket and Overcoat in the basement? This guy. Weather dude sez the warming trend should continue and we've seen the last of negative digits/teens. In spite of the fact that we're 1/3rd of the way through March and we're about 2 HS Tourney's down-I won't hold my breath. (Too many variables in this state, Man.) Still, with my portly childs metabolism I feel confident I can ride out the season with my lighter jackets and gloves. That and the fact that the snow ban has lifted and the snow is receding to the point where I can see green grass again...and my solar walk lights.

And Moda got our seeds in the mail. She's gonna plant'em now so that they'll be ready to transfer to the big pots come the first real thaws. Pip.

So I wanted to take a quick second to say I'm not gonna bore the pants off of you regarding my race training any longer. Or food. (Two central preoccupations of mine, if you haven't already figured that out.) It's been an age since I've blogged a review/recipe I love so I'm gonna start doing that back over at http://hungryhippopotami.wordpress.com/ From there, you'll get reviews, training info (read: What we're eating for race prep) Garden status, New Recipes, and a melange of other tidbits. We welcome fellow foodies, race/marathon enthusiasts to participate with tips/finds/etc. Love it. (ICYC- Notice how one of the last posts is September? Yeah, there've been a few months. Shup. We're busy pants)

So I watched the Oscar ceremony at FeeJ's last Sunday and boy howdy was I pleased as punch. (You would have to have lived in a cave not to have picked Waltz and Mo'Nique for their supporting roles. Fierce, fierce acting) I've frassed about my theory (as does everybody and their sister) on how flawed the Academy judging process is. (Crowe winning for "Gladiator" when "The Insider" was clearly superior, same with Denzel winning for "Training Day"...Hello? "The Hurricane"? Makes ya weep)

Anyway, today's funny- Cracked clearly can posit their Oscar theories more eloquently than I can : http://www.cracked.com/article_18460_5-reasons-oscars-matter-even-less-than-you-thought.html

Day off'd

Good morning, friends. After a jam-packed weekend of dancing, body-wrecking, murder mysterying, IHOP-ing, and Academy Awarding, buddy boy here is taking the day off. That said, Toplessrobot.com directed me to two of the coolest things ever. The first, is the newest "Iron Man 2" trailer which will, in fact, own you. The commercial alone won the "best commercial" award. Before you were even born. (I'll let y'all look it up. Sufficed to say, it is pretty cool) The second? Sometimes you just happen upon...something. That resonates with your soul. Maybe it's a poem. Or a song. A choice at the buffet. Baby hippos. Uh...why are you so weird? Anyway, I'm pretty damn amazed I didn't discover this little gem sooner. It's under 3 minutes of your life you won't have lived to the fullest until you watch it. Oh, and some NSFW language. And "not safe for life" acting. Wow. Holy balls. For your benefit- The greatest action movie ever:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTmSJDyav-A

Eating like a senior citizen

I might as well sign up for AARP right now. In the midst of run training, I had these peculiar cravings pop up here and there. Most training manuals will encourage you to carb up ("CAN DO!") but I've been jonesin' for protein. Shrimp, Pickled Herring, Tofu, Buffalo Spiced Chicken Jerkey nuggets. And the last few mornings, in lieu of my 8AM oatmeal...fat free cottage cheese. Sprinkled with Tabasco.

Sick. Out. Buddy.

It reminds me of my first "punch the clock" job I had out of High School. Working at a Senior Care Center as a Nutrition Aide. (Heretoforewith know as "Kitchen B#tch") It seems Nursing Homes run in the family. Mom is an RN at a NE Mpls facility. One of RSvP's 1st jobs was at the neighborhood Care Center. (Can I tell the story? Okay, so he was "let go", right? He was supposed to be on PA detail to announce dinner to the residents. Except smartie pants says "Could the inmates please report to the cafeteria". I could never tell if dad was pissed or pleased. He seemed a healthy mix of both)

Anyway, the job sucked. And I ran the gamut of injuries. I pulled a basket of hot coffee that hadn't steeped fully on top of my head like I was on a Nickolodeon kids show. I developed a latex allergy from the gloves we were required to wear. (I thought I had leprosy. I took a 3 month sabbatical when I went to work at the "G" and the itchy flaking went away. So, I'd put on a pair of vinyl gloves with latex overs. Smart, I am) Hot steam in the face. Forks in the palm when cleaning off the trays. Toes ran over by huge food carts. It sucked.

What didn't suck? The food. Which we weren't supposed to (by law) eat. But we did. And because it was food for the residents (Heretoforewith referred to as "Sassy Seniors") it was Luh-HOADED with calories. Seriously. Read the side of a Lorna Doone package. Nobody eats that shit except for the Sassy Seniors. One cookie is made with 2 sticks of butter, half a tub of Crisco, and Sugar. Served with an Ensure, you're guaranteed 3,500 calories in one cookie and can!

Our prime targets to sneak the meals were usually: Cheesecake (Lord. I think I inhaled an entire cake within 15 minutes) Fettucine Alfredo, Meatloaf, Chicken Piccata, and Lasagna. We'd scan the weekly menu. You learned when to skip dinner so that you could gorge.

The things we hated? Liver. (And the smell doesn't leave you until you've burned your clothes and bathed in ammonia) And the dreaded lunch prep. Which meant plopping a scoop of jello (Hi-Cal-Jel. One cup had 1,000 calories) pudding (Why I will never eat the filthy stuff, ever again) yogurt (From a gallon jug) annnnnd my favorite: Cottage Cheese.

Which is why it baffles the hell out of me why I'd crave it. After dinner last weekend, Mom and I hit TJ's for snacks. And what'd I get? Fat Free Cottage Cheese. Which is now gone as of Wednesday.

What the hell? Am I pregnant?

Anyway, to celebrate my crappy haircut I received about 3 weeks ago and shows no signs of growing back (For real. I'm scared. I need a pompadour by June) and the cute hair that Moda sports in her latest show. (Go see it. Laugh. And tell your friends. http://www.mixedblood.com/mainstage/somebodynobody/) Well, let's all talk about my new haircut- (Warning- Language NSFW. Definite signs of Douchebaggery.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M