Ahem. An open frass...

Dear corporate psycho's who are currently marketing "Spidey 3". I dig, I really really dig...the need to come up with new products to pimp to the younger set. The days of "just articulated action figures" is nigh on over. You need the new. You need...the better. I understand things like "Spider Man Web Shooters" that shoot non-toxic (Hmmmm) silly string. Or "Venom Goo/Sandman Sand" that some kid could easily replicate with Mrs. Butterworth (Which it looks like) or a simple visit to Elm Creek Park Reserve Beach. I understand plush. Heck, even I have a vintage Spider Man hot wheels car from 1981.

Here's the thing: Neither Spider Man, nor Sandman ride motorcycles in the new movie. So to be selling a set of these rip-cord activated dealies which kids will invariably use to perform makeshift chicken fights on the sidewalks and cul-de-sacs in front of their houses...all for the bargain rate of $17? No mothers. More over, you sell "Spider Man with Scuba Gear" or "Spider Man with Jet Packs" for the younger demographic. But dudes...Seriously? He swings. On. A. Web. The need for a jet pack is superfluous. And there is no way that an arch-nemesis is going to frass around the NYC bay when it's a filthy cess pool of decay, oil, trash, and God knows what else. Well. The need for scuba gear seems rather moot.

Stop now.

My kids, if I ever adopt, will get a red ski mask and blue long johns. And a rope. That's what I had. And gawdammit, if I didn't get stuck up my fair share of tree's. But I was Spider Man. Gawdamn right I was.