DVD Mini-reviews!!!

***Mini-Reviews! I've had a chance to clean up my queue and digest a few titles I've been wanting to check out for a while now. All are available on Netflix and probably in the "previously viewed" DVD bin at your closing DVD Rental Store. Which is probably a good chance to stock up on previously viewed DVD p0rn and not have to venture into an adult bookstore or feel skeevy that the employee's will recognize you with your copy of "The Boobyguard" sandwiched between "Legally Blonde" and "National Treasure"...heh. Anyway, I'll put my "recommends" first and the shut-offs last.


Where the Truth Lies

A solid thriller with Mr. Darcy and the Bacon. Nothing challenging, but if you're in the mood for a solid murder-mystery (with a metric ton of nudity) then this'll be your game. 4/5

High Plains Drifter

Yeah. The old-timey western that Clint the Squint directed. What really elevated this one is the supernatural bent. (ICYC, it's the one where he has the townies paint the town literally red.) Is he or isn't he an avenging angel, demon, whatever. Really, this along with "Josey Wales" are two excellent genre films and would make for a great double/triple feature with "Unforgiven". 4.5/5

Never Let Me Go

I wanted to see what all the fuss was about this "elevated" Oscar Nominated sci-fi movie. And boy, is it pretty with a killer hook. (Kids are cloned and grow up until they reach a certain age when they turn into donors. Think "Logan's Run" meets "The Island" with less bullshit and more Ang Lee thoughtfulness) And it is pretty. And deep. And ultimately kind of really depressing. So much like I like ridiculous comedies, I don't like bleak. 3.5/5

Reno 911: Miami

Another stupid comedy that's my kind of funny. I'd caught a few episodes back when I had Comedy Central and "got" the funny "Cops" style mockumentary filming. And really, you don't need a lot of backstory to understand this one. That said, I know that this and stuff like "The State" aren't for everyone- and that's cool. I ended up laughing my ass off a few times, but I also am a fan of ridiculous. 3.5/5

SKIP THESE...I took a BULLET for you, people!!!

Cedar Rapids

I liked the cast. I like the foxy flight attendant. (Hi, Tracy!) But again, it was a bunch of ideas strung together from better films. Here's the bottom line- The Midwesterner being treated like a dipshit flipper baby is tired. John C. Reilly doing a Will Ferrell impression is a little old. A decent bit about crashing a gay-marriage party and a meta-joke about "The Wire" by a former "Wire" cast member ultimately wasn't enough to make this memorable or a keeper.

Alexander: Directors Cut

I wanted sword/sandals/spectacle. I wanted to know if it was either as bad as folks thought, or a masterpiece. (Which someone said it was decent) It was crap. When a mid-film sex scene fails to tittilate and becomes the exact moment I shut it off, should tell you something. Epic fail, for an epic movie.

The Adjustment Bureau

Boo. Crap. Nothing to see here. Charming characters? Okay. A dippy premise? Check. (C'MON! They have HATS...that help them go from place to place quickly. Someone typed that and thought it'd be a great plot device.) I won't violently denounce this, but it was so "meh" it feels like I wasted a night watching it.

Super

I'd love to find the article that talks about audiences getting bored putting Super-Heros in "real-world" settings. I may have made the error of having watched "Kick-Ass" the week before. (A better, fun ,bloody, goofy romp.) I ended up shutting this off as well. Juno being Juno, Bacon being smarmy (Which, again, see "Where the Truth Lies" for a better film. Or "X-Men: First Class"), and Dwight Schrute making the same Dwight Schrute faces just bored me.

'Merika! F#ck YEAH!

Pictured: "Marvel Secret Wars Captain America Action Figure". I owned this and a slew of others... which ruled. Strange enough, every figure- good guy...bad guy...all came with a shield with a weirdo image card in it. Cap's was the only one that made sense. Incidentally, I'da killed to have the Ice-Man figure. He was a variant offered in the Fleet Farm catalogue. He was, like, the "Mer-Man" figure of that toy line back in 1985.


I want you to use your imaginations. Imagine a little blonde curly-headed little kid who was heavily influenced by imagination and the stack of comic books he always read at the cabin. (You know...instead of being outside) A kid who did his best to make believe he was whichever super-hero was ingrained in his brain on any particular day. His costumes were usually his Underoos worn over a pair of his mother's old unitards- with the occasional red ski mask or towel-cape being used to complete the ensemble. We all know that he spent a majority of the time as your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man (and still coughcough does...sometimes) But he did his due imaginary diligence and tried being every superhero. At least the one's he had underpants for.

One prop he used had multiple purposes, and it was a plastic-y garbage can lid. Originally he used it to play "Perseus" from "Clash Of The Titans" wielding it (along with a stick or fishing pole as a sword) against Kraken's (Willow tree) and Gorgon (swingset) alike. Another use for that shield was when he found his attention zig-zagging toward a cabin comic that told the story of Steve Rogers. A sickly young man who (through SCIENCE) becomes "Captain America"! Kicking Nazi ass left and right before gettin' frozen, thawing out in the present day to lead the Avengers. Around that time Marvel, bless'em, was reeeeeally trying to cash in on their properties based on the success of "Superman" (and to a smaller extent, "The Incredible Hulk" TV series) but rather than release them as major motion pictures they all stayed on the small screen. And so while my favorite hero ended up being played by the kid who was "Rolf" in "The Sound of Music"? The good captain? Was Reb Brown. In a pervy conversion van. And a motorcycle.

Still...I put on my Captain America Underoos. We had an old plastic football helmet with the the cage removed that my mom and I painted it blue and added wings on the sides. I had a blue felt mask with an "A" sewn in the middle. And I'd take that garbage can lid, wedge it between the handle bars of my Big Wheel, and tear ass around the cul-de-sac...dismounting occasionally to take off my "shield" and fling it frisbee style at my imaginary opponents while humming the "Captain America TV Movie" themse song. (And that shield was about as graceful as you'd think a plastic garbage can lid could be. Occasionally it'd catch some air and bang into the aluminum siding on our house, prompting my mom to yell)

And then I zig-zagged on to another hero. Maybe it was "The Flash"...or maybe "Green Lantern". Either way, I think I got busted by dad for walking around outside in my underwear. In December.

Here's the thing..."Captain America" is a hard property to produce. Evidenced by terrible TV movies and the 1994 turd (to be fair, at least that one tried to get the costume right) He carries a SHIELD for pete's sake. The character isn't hugely compelling. They tried making him cooler when the "Ultimate" universe imbued him with an interesting arc and a better "look" (No more lil' wings on his mask) but he's not all that edgy. Not really hip. Regardless...most geeks just want the films to be as close to their beloved properties as the one done on paper.

I mean, you can't just throw a red cape on Betty White with a $20 million budget and have it say "BATMAN" on the title card. (Wait...write that down) And coming off the heels of some surprisingly popular and well done movies, how was this guy gonna fare on the big-screen? Here's Marvel Comics version of a big-blue boy scout. Which brings us to the short review, free of spoilers even:

During WW II, 90 lb weakling Steve Rogers is given secret super sauce to become the worlds first Super Hero Super Soldier. He fights Nazi's, Over-Exfoliated Bad Guys, and Sheriff Ed Bell's Grouchiness. Hijinks ensue.

And here's where I'll leave it. IMO, they got the movie really, really right. And this might seem blasphemous, but I'd even go so far to say that...next to "The Dark Knight"? It's probably one of the best super hero genre movie to date. I left the theater with a big stupid grin on my face. I loved every frame. I loved the geeky nods that weren't distracting, hamfisted, or overt. I loved how (like the Hammer in "Thor" earlier this year) the SHIELD wasn't distracting or stupid looking. I loved the MUSICAL NUMBER! (Take note, "Spider-Man 3")

I loved the knowledge that this is going to be another part of what's going to be an ambitious film next year. (And pleasepleaseplease be good)

Mostly, and maybe I'm being too rosy with this- I can appreciate that it had a lot of heart. And my buddy Eva was right...there were definitely places that you get choked up. Do yourself a favor and check it out.

5/5 stars Highly Recommended

Fringe Accomplished

Yowza. I needed a few days to recuperate from the Fringe but I'm hoping to get back to status quo for your reading pleasure- covering such topical and important issues like running, gardening, auditioning, and how majorcaly depressing the end of summer/beginning of Fall feels*. First up:

We closed out "Knit" after a successful Fringe run. It was well attended, well-received by the audiences, and it was a real pleasure to perform and sad to see it over. (How often can I say that after my previous post discussing rotten experiences?) For me personally, it was kinda nice to play a guy who was closer to the chest than most "characters". I dunno. Takes the guess work out during rehearsal. And it was nice to work with some really talented people. Are you sad you missed it? GOOOOOOOOD!!! (I kid. Kinda.)

Par for the course, I did not get out and abuse my artist pass and set a record as to the number of shows I was able to take in. I maxed out at about 5-6 shows and I'm fairly happy to report that they were all consistent in terms of quality and my personal enjoyment. (Oh...there was some...not-so-greatness...but it's a palate cleaner. And my own fault for checking it out without doing homework. Whatever. Live a little and be adventuresome, right?)

Personal Fringe highlights...beside seeing buddies: Mid-towns inventive Fringe Cocktail tasting, the MotoI kerfluffle (Apparently some people had a bad experience, and that steamrolled car of teh interweb in to a full blown flame off. The night in question we did a quick scan of the patio and thinking the crowd was prohibting movement? Promptly said "F#ck this" and hit Herk's next store) And enjoying the crap-read spending too much- at the neighboring restaurant situated next to our performance venue. Where you should all...go.

So yeah. Happy to have been involved again after a few years. Happy to have had my Fringe experience. Happy as hell I can breathe now that it's over.

Next up: S.O Birthdays, Sad tomatoes and non-existent Zukes (WHAT?), a new Trail half-mary I recently discovered, and...your favorite: Movie Reviews. (Papa hasn't even SEEN Captain America yet...)

And the Fair. Hellllllls yes.




*Anyway, the subject of Summer's End is touched on in our dialogue during the show...about how the 4th of July is the "true" turning point and it's all down hill from there. Not so. Granted, mid-way through the Fringe we (thankfully) hit a cooling respite so it wasn't all swass and frass. Still. I woke up this morning. August 17th. And the morning felt kinda...chilly? Grump.

YEEEEAH FRINGE!!!

Pictured: Detail from the 2011 MN Fringe Festival Show I'm currently involved in: "Knit One, Purl the Other". An extremely hilarious and entertaining mock-trailer can be seen here. I WANT you to go see it!


Giggity Giggity Giggity...it's that time of year, friends! Tomorrow is the beginning of the 2011 MN Fringe Festival. It's like the State Fair...for theater folk. Only with less deep-fry and more 4-H Talent shows. Whether you love it or hate it, if you're in it in some capacity you're bound to get feeling like a frisky kitten. For me, rehearsal has felt like any other rehearsal until we hit tech yesterday at TRP- and when it was over and I was leaving? Boom. Fringe-bomb. (And trust me...I love theater. I love my friends. But there are quite a few folk out there in Facebookville who have Fringe-bombs going off...verrrrrry early. Hence, someone disabled their event notification starting in mid-July. Ahem...)

This'll mark my (hummuna hummuna hummuna) 4th Fringe appearance? 5th? I first started seeing Fringe shows waaay back in '98 when an old girlfriend I was chasing was performing in a 2-woman show at the old Loring theater. Not having had a lot of knowledge of what the hell the Fringe was, and moreover not really "whelmed" by that show, I was ready to write it off and go back to drinking the summer away in solitude when on a whim I decided to check out the one-woman show that followed it. (Two-woman show to One-woman show. I was downsizing?) The production was about the life an Irish woman and her descendants through three generations. It was called "Slap". And it was terrifyingly good. (Which should be a testament. I can barely remember the "okay" Fringe shows I've seen, much less the terrible one's I try to strike from memory. Granted the last 12 years of Fringe has been usually accompanied with copious amounts of booze between and sometimes during shows)

I ended up checking out a few more shows that summer including a romantic mind-f#ck that another buddy was in as well as a dance piece that was narrated by a poem called "Go Ahead Cling to me Dear". (Which, as a non-fan of the genre I enjoyed immensely) Those awesome shows, coupled with seeing theater-buddies schlepping around and the camraderie, the feeling of being an actual community versus competing theaters jockeying for audiences, the waiting outside in lines with your Fringe schedule accruing liters of swass in the hot early-August air? Well I left the festival of 1998 thinking that this is something I want to be involved with. And sure as sure can be in 1999 I found myself experiencing my first Fringe show. And my first experience with a shitty Fringe show.

Which happened to be the same show.

For those new readers who haven't heard this tale. (Back when the only way you could get any sort of "word of mouth" on the quality of a Fringe show was by waiting for the local rags to write something you could read about the next day. Or people walking out of a show saying "Suck. It suuuuucked" etc.) I was in a production called "Swing Time Radio" which---to date---received my faaaaavorite review ever: (Minor paraphrasing) "Some shows miss the mark. Others miss the target entirely. 'Radio' puts on a terrible 40's radio show by a group of non-actors that is difficult to sit through. Non-Hammy efforts and sweet accapella singing of 40's standards by (Actor I agreed to do the show for), (Actor I had a crush on and coerced into being in the show), and (Yours truly) fail to save this production. This show is painful to watch."

Yeeeeeah. Like my old man said: "At least they spelled your name right"

Now most folks might be traumatized by that experience. Not me. With the exception of 2001 I've kept coming back. And while as an audience member, I'm not as voracious with my attendance as some of my more dedicated Fringe-Friends (I think seeing 9 shows last year...that I paid for? Was a record.) I can still say I've seen some engaging and memorable productions. (And some turds. There are many) As a Fringe performer I've been afforded the opportunity to work with some talented casts and crews- many of whom I'm still happy to be friends with. As an actor I've been able to be a 40's radio singer, a re-enactor of the short films from the Prelinger archives, a ninja, a reality show contestant who strips down to a banana-hammock, and now- and this is crazy- a normal guy who acts as a sounding board in a very sweet alternate-reality play that revolves around knitting. And I don't knit. In the show. (To be honest, this is probably the most linnear narrative in a Fringe show that I've either seen or been involved in, as well as the most normal character I've played. Am playing. Whatever. I wear khaki's)

So, by way of pleading like we all plead- I'm very pleased with this show. The cast is solid and if you're looking for something you can bank on? I feel I would very much like to see you in the audience at Theater in the Round for "Knit One, Purl the Other". And if I don't? I would very much like to see you milling around the various venues and would very much like you to give a fellow Fringer a sweaty hug.

One less way to reach me...

pictured: A soon to be excised relic from Mikey's house. Please note...I don't actually have that as the style of phone. I actually use pigeons. And smoke signals.

Does anyone else still have a land mine..?(Sorry. Land LINE) I confess that I do. In fact, for the last 10 years or so I've been juggling my cell and home phone...I mean, that thing has lasted me 4 different residences at least. And I've loved it. It's nice to be able to fill out MORE spots on applications when it asks you the simple questions: Home phone? Cell phone? Why of COURSE I'll fill you in. Natch. I'm available alllll over.

Except I'm not very wealthy. And in going down the long list of s#it that I can probably live without? In terms of personal cost savings? I'm thinking the old cordless phone needs to go buh-bye. To be honest, the only reason I kept it for this long is laziness. Truth. (of COURSE) I disguise it as nostalgia/whimsy but let's be real...I'm never going to own a novelty Felix the Cat phone. And truth time- It's how the water company can "dial in" and get my monthly H2O readings and I don't have to risk getting grossed out by wading through the dust bunnies and cobwebs in my basement behind the dryer...just to do a meter-reading.

So now I'll have the one phone...my shellular. And even cutting that one cost will probably incur another (my phone is a hand-me-down as it is...and a flip phone...and, at the ripe age of 3 years old... considered pretty outdated- So if anyone has any cheap suggestions on something with texting/emailing capabilities, let me know. )

And if I'm filling out a survey/questionaire/audition form? I will NOT be writing anything in the space that says "Home Phone". Ha HA! (Sniffs sadly. Whatever. The battery kept cutting out on the cordless anyway)

Next up? Cutting the $10 that is my cable bill. Don't watch the telly. Only use the big screen for movies. And if there is a TV show I like? I'll Nutflix it.

Stay-De-Um!

Pictured: Section 310, Sunscreen, and mild -but not bad- vertigo

FINALLY!

Can I get an amen, please? I was starting to feel like the only person who hadn't been to the new Twins Stadium. F#ck, my best friend who is about as far from being a sports fan had been there. What is HAPPENING IN THE WORLD!?!?

Here's what's happening: I am not a gi-normous sports nut. (Which, I think, mildly alienates me from about 90% of conversations with most dudes.) I mean I like seeing professional sports at whatever venue it is, but I won't actively pursue purchasing season-tickets...dig? (Or- historically speaking when I was a kid- pester my parents for tickets) And yes, I'd go see Twins games as a kid, sure...mostly through Scouts or Safety Patrol...but it wasn't like I really gave a poop about the game. (I'm a 7th inning "leave"er) And when you go to those promo games, invariably I'd wind up by the jumbo-tron in the nosebleed seats. (With one notable exception in 1993 when a friend was hooked up with bullpen seats b/c she worked at the hotel the opposing team was staying at)

Oh, oh...and don't get me started on stadium building. I was of the mind that the Dome was perfectly fine in spite of friends arguing the opposite. I mean the acoustics sucked. Fine. Andthe sightlines were meh, and you'd get vertigo just trying to navigate the stairs. But c'mon...it was built in the early 80's! People liked multi-tool stadiums back then! It was like a Triple-Change Transformer! And remember when we HAD to get a stadium for our new basketball team back in 1990 it set in motion the bitchin' and complainin' from the other franchises (See why I'm jaded and resentful? Look how well the Wolve's have done! )

So that was it. Meh on sports. Fond memories of powering down stadium beers and Dome Dogs. And if you're a professional sports team, you better bring home some medals or some shit before you whine about needing a new place to play. Boom. Truth bomb.

Being a fan of new experiences and having heard the hubbub from pretty much EVERYbody, when afforded the opportunity to check out a game at the new stadium (Versus Detroit, which is ironic in the sense that I feel like every game I saw between age 10-16 at the Dome was usual the Tigers) I hopped on it. And here is where I salt and pepper the crow I'm about to eat, because the thing about the Twins Stadium? What's really, really cool about it? Is how much it gets right. Which in turns, makes those faults of the Dome that much more glaringly apparent.

See, the Dome makes it so you're sort of "herded" in to the big concrete muffin tin. And ya gotta circle and circle to and move and climb to just find your seat. Madness. But at the new stadium you get to walk across the plaza to enter the stadium and you are greeted with BASEBALL. Maybe it's the bronze sculptures all around. But to Simple Mike, it was apparent that you're about to experience a Major-League Baseball game...and it's going to be awesome. And that's when I understood. And I didn't get my Hebrew National like I normally do, but instead got a deep fried turkey sammich. And a $7 Summit. And I was sold on traversing the escalators to the upper levels. I was sold on "non-trough" bathrooms where you uncomfortably relieve yourself "cheek to cheek" with another guy. I might not run out to get a jersey, moreover I'm still reserving the right to be skeptical as to the Vikes getting a new place to squat- but I'll tell you...if you haven't?

You gotta check out a game.

I'll go with you.

I still need to get a Hot Dog.

And I still love Saints baseball...

B4/After

pictured: Screaming agony at mile 9. Empty water. Short-circuited MP3. And a GU packet sticking my tongue to the roof of my mouth...And who taught me how to put on a bandana?(6/2010)

Pictured: Banana-rexia and a better soundtrack (7/2011) Just keep runnin'...

rantrantrant...

Did you guys know that I work out? Little known fact. Try and eat light and healthy. Run. Karate. Lift weights. Take frequent cat-naps. All that shit. I'm also fairly well-read on those aforementioned subjects. Not surprisingly, I can confidently speak to the fact that I have a good frame of reference if one were to broach the topic of, ohhhhh, fad diets.

Now before you click away to TMZ or whatever, hear me out: I've frassed to you about supplements, stupid fitness rags and their tendency to regurgitate the same kind of article every other month wedged in with the newest trendy fitness routines. (Yoga! Pilates! Kickboxing! Tae-Bo! Tae 90X! Pil-boxing! Yoga Jumproping!) I'll frass about books I've read and either glommed some sort of benefit about or books that I don't think have a metric shit ton of merit.

Go on. Google search "stretching before running?" The links go on like a high school debate. ("Yes you should!" "No you shouldn't!" "You'll live!" "YOU'LL DIE!!!" For the record? And for fact? I don't think that stretching out before any exercise is a bad idea. At all. ) In fact, most diet advice that doesn't come from a professional tends to lean toward the stupid, contrary, muddled, and passionate- for all the wrong reasons. Best person to talk to about your health and fitness? A doctor. Unquestionably.

Recently a friend of mine visited a place where the newest fad diet program is offered (which is to say it's a new South Beach/Atkins knock-off) which tries to emulate our hunter gatherer meals from Captain Caveman-y times. I read over the haves and have nots and did some quick research...and while I "get" it and wanted to sound supportive? My Spider-Sense was still tingling. Basically you eat nothing BUT meat. No pasta. No Refined sugar. One "cheat" day...(I hate that term, btw. I've said it before, yeah. And I've used it as an excuse to eat like shit. I still hate it) And no fucking legumes? Hoooookay. I can see how this'd appeal to people looking for something to, you know, work. Somehow.

Now lest you think I'm ass-talking, I've seen people who have experienced success with Atkins et.al. The were admittedly overweight, and by kiboshing the carbs and (wait for it...) moderating their remaining portions they were able to get their bodies to go catabolic and burn off the solid fuel they'd been carrying. (Although, friends, before you attack that steak-a-week diet in earnest, keep in mind these friends experienced a marked decrease in energy. And after seeing a doctor for a mid-Atkins check up? A marked increase in cholesterol) And so whatever, what's my point? 70 years ago cigarettes were supposed to aid digestion and "relax the throat". What's the big deal with this one?

Well...

This friend tells me that the initial consultation/2 hour introductory meeting included a couple of wires being attached to them and getting a body comp analysis. Fine. Understanding that next to water immersion I think that the electric jolt is a fairly accurate method to get your body fat percentage. Except THIS test also gave a laundry list of horse shit. Something about their cell/electrolyte catalyst being pretty bad yadda yadda and being a good candidate for the program. Right. Next we'll try this phrenology machine that strongly resembles a collander pot to ascertain your aura balance.

One of the other "rules" of this "diet" was no running. This made me want my friend to question them on the idea that human beings evolved to be runners, or if they'd ever heard of the concept of "persistance running" which anthropologists have speculated might have been how our hunting-gathering ancestors tracked down faster prey? (To be fair, according to their program periodic 10 minute sprints were okay. I started to honestly wonder if this practically non-existent fitness routine that was meant to compliment the diet was designed by a 4th grader during track and field day. Next up! Monkey bars and vigorously run backwards up the slide until the teacher aides give you a time-out!) Looking around the room, my buddy said they saw other people who were at that two-hour informational meeting that had the look of those who want this diet to work for them. An excitable prospect if you find it difficult to balance out that delicate teeter-totter of diet and exercise. And easy...excitable...prospect. Nothing but meat.

This all ended in their sending a politely worded email a day later declining the program and the eventual response from the meat-counselor strongly advising they reconsider as their findings after that initial electro-shock were startling bad for someone as young as they were. In other words, they tried a fucking fear-tactic to keep them on. And that is what really chaps my hide the most.

Going back 15 odd years, I had a friend whose mom sold high-end supplements. They had an entire kitchen cabinet filled to bursting with these pricey bastards, and I learned later that if they didn't make their sales quota- they had to buy their own product. This, is what my father reffered to as a "pyramid scheme". And although I felt it polite not to mention that lil' nugget to my friend, she railed on me for not taking more supplements. I explained that I sometimes did take supplements, recommended after I met with the dietician at the "Y" who also turned me on to the idea that: "if you have a well rounded diet and balanced, you should be getting all of the vitamins you need". And then they recommended a book. My old friend responded to this with "Well? How do you KNOW you're getting them? You DON'T!"

Point taken. In the meantime, enjoy your rich and dark urine and overworked kidney's.

Again...

I don't think a good health and wellness program entails a drill sergeant ala' "The Biggest Loser". And I don't think that the fad diets/routines are strictly speaking helping their cause by trying to rule through fear. A good coach/trainer/training partner/running partner whatever will encourage you and push you to do better. Do more reps. Go heavier. Be a spotter. Encourage you run another mile and not walk. Point out areas where you're dropping your guard hand or opening your mouth before you go to kick. (I did that. FYI.)

Barring that, they'll drop their drawers and moon you if they start running ahead of you. (That's my boy, Davey.)

Look...I say to you all how much I love my Veeb's and minimalist kicks and how they've helped my running. Great. For me. Sorry. That's my selfish Sally Self. What I'm not going to say is that you're stupid for not wearing them. Or that you're guaranteeing yourself injury if you don't wear them. Or if you eat a meat-heavy diet you'll DIE*! I honestly believe that you build up a resistance in your audience if you lay down some finite be-all end-all rule that must be adhered to. How arrogant must you be to have such absolute conviction in your product? Redick. I was tempted to say to my friend "Do the paleo-program, but see your personal physician for a physical first. Blood draws. Pee test. The works. And after the 60 days, go back and see how you fare." (Meanwhile, the mean part of me will be enrolling in another marathon and enjoying my Little Caesar Hot N Ready pizza when they come over. I am nothing if not cruel.)

Stupid diet....

"What's Up?" /Ohhhh, not mulch"

If you don't mind, I think I'm going to be done with the outdoor projects in 2011 (with the exception of the garden, lawn mowing, and plotting what plants I might wanna throw down.)

Yup. I gave myself a deadline this weekend to get the rest of the outdoor frass finished. Last weekend I made my 4 trips to the Home Depot to collect the last of the 100 or so bags of cedar mulch (they had a sale) so that's down. The rain barrel had been sitting by the side of the house looking forlorn so THAT needed installed. The paver block to line the walk way wasn't going to install itself so I had to get THAT in the ground. (To be fair, it would've been done two weekends ago. Except since I couldn't seem to figure out how to remove the correct amount of dirt, so it ended up being a lawn-chunk by lawn-chunk process.)


And did I mention it was f#ck all hot out? Yeah. As I stood in the shower rinsing the black dirt off and picking wood fragments out of the corner of my eye, I wondered why I was there and not with my friends frolicking in the river. As my co-worker exclaimed: "Were you high? You should have gone to the river". Good answer.

I'll let the pics speak for themselves. If anyone knows of any good ground scrubby kind of the "come-back" kind of plants, or knows something about landscaping to make it look pretty...well I wouldn't be adverse to the assistance. In case you're curious, this was all done this weekend.("Before" pics can be found in the archives here and here.)

Now isn't that inviting? Clean? Doesn't that make you just wanna grill? Take that, creeping Charlie. Pictured: Toil. And for the uninformed, the Mazda can fit 12 bags of mulch. 16 if I'm not worried about visibility.

A row O' hostas is begging to be planted here, don't you think? This part of the house gets d#ck for sunlight.

This will, I'm hoping, keep the rain from getting in the basement. The nice thing about chunking out all of that soil is there was plenty of dirt for assistance with grading. I admit, I got panicky and I've been stalling the install as it were since part of it required my cutting away a portion of the downspout. During this phase, I discovered that stucco siding is really good at exfoliating the skin from your knuckles.

More soil for grading. I found some moisture in the wine cellar and the only time I've ever taken in water is when a downpour knocked off the drain spout last year. I'm reminded of my home-inspector years ago, when he advised keeping the soil high here on the South side of the house to keep the basement dry. Good advice, that. A good idea to follow it occasionally, Michael. (Incidentally. The dirt was sitting in a light plastic "garden" barrow. Overnight. And then it rained. Do you know what's heavy? Mud.)

Transplants, courtesy of the Mel's via Moda. That's all I have right now. I'm taking more. Anyone? Backyard is clean and mulch-y, but pretty nekkid.

Re-painted the picnic bench. Go on. Imagine eating some steaming weinies...baked beans...that crappy yellow potato salad and some lemonade. Ugh. I just threw up in my mouth. (*Note, by "painting" I mean I dumped the paint on it and pushed it around with a brush until it was even-looking. This was the final project of the day, and the heat/humidity had me a little addled)

Table courtesy of A and D. I scraped it, then re-painted with this nice textured spray. Doesn't this help you envision polite discourse over mojito's?

This was a completely unnecessary project on my part. I don't know. My herb pots used to live on the picnic table so I had this idea that I could build a small "herb table" to live next to the garden. I had some superfluous lumber and some really, really weak building skills. After a few hours with the cutting, the drilling, the cussing, the new fixes I discovered while building...we have a reeeeeally ghetto herb bench.

Hot banana pepper. I picked up some new (sturdier) tomato cages but I'm still a little chafed that my garden feels like it's taking forever to grow. (Coupled with the fact that Moda and Cap't Dawn's bounty already looks edible) This is what I get for expanding the dumb thing. See why this year? This year? Is the last time I expand the stupid thing.

Flaky and slow. Just like me! We ended up finding two scapes that escaped our notice. (See what I did there?) It made for a delicious and pungent egg scramble mixed with some goat cheese. Slurp.

BOOM! Done...

Pictured: Ebullient Insanity. All smiles in the early miles.

Right. I think I'm gonna make people gag with a step-by-step recitive on the race. So I'll say this: I'm very glad I did it. I'm glad I was with my buddies early on. I'm glad my friends came out to cheer and D-Gangs was "on point", getting a ton of terrific photos/video. I'm glad Moda's folks were there to take some of the best race photo's I've seen of Team Awesome. I'm proud of the half-Mary "virgins" who ran their first. (And smoked the s#it out of the course. WHERE'S THE FIRE!?!) And I'm reeeeeeally proud of my new race shorts. They're very short.

Pictured: Crossing the finish. Everyone is looking away. Why? Because of what you don't see that's been cropped for decency purposes. Not pictured? Decency...and dignity.

FeeJ PR'd, Moda has a new itch to (someday) be a pacer in a more "official" capacity, and I managed to shave 11 seconds off of my own PR. (And wondering if I can run a sub-2:00 at the Monster Dash.) Which is weird, since I was going in to this thing suuuuper chill. It was just a joyful morning to be goofy and chatty and see what the body could do. I mean, it's weird...I was trying to drift off for a post-race snooze and my mind kept at it- "Was my pace off?" "Could I have turned it up earlier?" "I could do a Full-Mary". It's madness. Or the shorts. Probably the shorts.

Anyway, the worst part is that we're all hurting a bit after this one. Moda is still "technically" recuperating from G-Ma's two weeks ago. Both FeeJ and I are nursing a janky foot. And (on a strange note) I've had the s#ittiest sleep patterns. (I was dog-tired when I got home, and couldn't go back to sleep to save my life. And after a late night firework show, I tossed and turned aGAIN!)

So yeah. We'll be taking a few days off. Not too many, though. I'm really hoping to get back out for long runs with my buddies.

And we're running...again...

(pictured: Symbol of DC Superhero "The Flash". I've toyed with the idea of getting a bright red race outfit for visibility purposes and affixing this patch to the chest...then kiboshed it because I'm not very fast and...well he's just not my favorite superhero)

BOOM! Double Blaug!

Moda, Feej, and I will be running the Red, White, and Boom on 7/4. Because we're weird. And running a half-Mary on our day off seemed like a pretty good idea at the time. (You know? I dragged my feet on some weird tangent about how "it's right outside my back door" and "well why wouldn't I run a neighborhood race?" yadda yadda...it's just not happening. There's no real benign reason to be dragging our asses to the starting line at 6am. Oh wait...yes there is...) I had this funny scenario in my head where I'd drag my feet on running, then agree to crew FeeJ and Moda, then show up on race day taking off my hoodie to reveal MY RACE NUMBER!!!

Unfortunately, my evasiveness was viewed as more annoying than anything. That and they sniffed me out when the race numbers were made available online. So much for surprises, no matter how weak I make them.

Hey...anyone remember last year? When Moda was educating me about "Race Karma" and we volunteered for the R/W/B b/c it was so close to us? We ran the Lake Harriet 10K on July 3rd then went over to help unload the cup and water trucks for the beverage station? Man. That was a HOT day. And the very next day when we got up to go to our water station where we had volunteered behind the Quarry? And, and, and what did it do? Yeeeeeah.

P#ssing rain. At 7am. On 7/4. We stood there soggy in our makeshift garbage bag ponchos. And when the rain did clear? And the early a.m. heat showed up? Ssssssssteamy business, kids. Anyway, my point of this whiney tirade is that because every race I've done so far this year climatologically speaking has been an exact replica of 2010? I'm visualizing soggy bottoms for at least half of the run.

Which is to say that the weather's no big deal. What is a big deal is working through injury. And f#ck all it's getting in my brain and psyching me out. Last weekend I did an exploratory run of the course just to get more-or-less familiar with the terrain. We've all trod the area, and the Deming Heights hill (the "Hard" hill on the race) has been part of my training now for a few months- I've even gone so far as to mentally say "Hi" to it when I approach, hoping the Earth Gods ease the incline and carry me up the hill. Shut it. The rest of the weekend I did lawn work in my heavy leather "outdoor shoes", then woke up on Sunday with a foot that felt like it was caught in a bear trap. Nigh on unwalkable. Gimpy limp.

And I got worried. Here's the big drawback to minimalist shoes, frassers: As soon as you switch back to heavy soled shoes, you run the risk of injury. And since I've bitched about this before (so it shouldn't have been a big surprise)...I was hoping that it wouldn't be right before my next f#cking race. My last run a few days ago in my Free's (which I'm racing in) was a 6 mile exercise in pain. I switched to two "shorty" runs in my Veeb's which both felt better. (I won't even lie when I say I was considering racing the half-Mary in them. I just haven't put up the distance)

So after the improvement I've been experiencing this year, I'm feeling a little "back to square one"-ish. I've been re-reading "Born To Run" (Which you should all. read. Inspirational, Exciting, and Informative. Something for runners and non-runners alike. Truth) to keep me inspired and focused. But I'm approaching this race with more trepidation than I did the Mpls Half-Mary. And it's mostly pissing me off. Frass. I wasn't even hoping to PR this one. Just run a fun long-weekend race with buddies.

Frass N' Grumble.

Annnnnyway, as I polish of this glass of whine I'd like to (again) encourage you 4 readers to drag your butts out to NE Mipples this coming Monday to cheer the race if you can. I know that many of you don't get done puking until noon, but your support is nevertheless welcome and appreciated down to the soles of our feet.

Happy Fourth o' July, friends!

New Jobbbb!

Hey. I gotta job! Technically I'm finishing my third week, but it's new to me! For the first time in over 2 years I got myself a FT position, with bennies, and NOT as a temp. (More on that in a second.)



So there I was temping over at the Blue Electric Box and thinking that it'd be a decent temporary gig, but the managers mentioned that as they grow as a department, the possibilities of placing me as a permanent employee would grow as well. And that was fine. I mean, it was work. There was the on-site gym. Great cafeteria. Actor friendly. (Meaning, quite a few actor buddies were on site) Seemingly Flexible. And more or less Friendly. (You grow to loathe the "temp treatment"...regardless of what you think or what the managers say, I'd been placed at 3 different offices where you were treated with outright contempt. Kind of like being relegated to the cafeteria table away from the popular kids. And you eat it. Every day. Because you need the job. At least I did...)



My issue was that it was kinda mind-numbing. Under-challenging. Moreover, my direct report was...not a people person? Exact opposite, in fact. A poooooor leader. Yelled instructions and assignments at us through our door in passing. I had to schedule a meeting w/my temp agency as to what direction I was going since it didn't seem like I was getting a whole lot of guidance. (And he was a mouse-grabber. Like, grab your mouse right out of your hand to "show" you what he couldn't communicate verbally. Bad form.) Then when you couple in the fact that he was a little condescending- to everyone- I was getting antsy and a little pissy. (The "productivity" tracker they implemented was bullshit too. That's neither here nor there. I just haaaaaaate micro-management)


And then the Careerbuilder threw me a bone.


There was a QA position in a small company that was literally a nickel toss away from my home. The required skill set seemed aligned with my own so I threw'em my resume' and as luck would have it- I landed an interview. (First a phone interview w/their Vegas HR dept. Which was...weird...if not a little casual) I ended up with a face to face 2nd interview the following week and my hopes were starting to get higher. After I took the day off at the Temp job to hit it... I marveled at the 3 minute commute from my front door. I imagined bike rides. Lower blood pressure due to not having a s#itty commute. And after finally meeting the interviewers with their ridiculous sense of humor, the fact that one of them found my marathon small talk interesting, being told I was the best fit for the position based on my experience...It was in the BAG, baby!!!


AAnnnnd I blew it. Actually, I was positive I blew it. Something felt wonky when I walked out. And after 5 days of waiting w/baited breath and thinking about how to word my resignation email...I got the "we decided to go in another direction" phone call. So...I exhaled. Spent a day stewing with it. And woke up the next day thinking about how I was going to make my next few (days/weeks/months/years) working at Blue Box pleasant. That's right. I decided to flip my attitude and see if I could make a go of it. Good for me, right? Didn't mean I wouldn't keep looking for other things, right? RIGHT??!?!?!


And like an 80's movie where the "ex" comes back while you're just getting on your feet? Apparently one of the candidates dropped and they called me to ask if I was still interested in the position. MY EMOTIONS!!!! YOU TOY WITH THEM!!!!


There were some wonky hitches...I kept it on the complete down low until the offer was extended, accepted, my paperwork was received and in good order...hell, I thought I'd jinx it until after my pee-test cleared. But clear it did. And on 6/13? Jobbed. It didn't take me more than a day to realize that I made a good choice. It might have been also when the CEO dropped off the company magazine and actually said "Here's one for Mikey!" that I was almost positive I did.

The money isn't tremendous. And figuring out benefits after nearly 8 years was a chore. But it is a small company. And growing, with a good business model. With the commute being so easy, it's amazing I spent so many years angry at other people...more amazing I didn't suffer a heart attack. My co-worker is cool. She's a gear-head and a self-proclaimed "Jeep Snob" who fills me in on she and her husbands latest off-road shenanigans. (I'm learning about cars, yo. A LOT about cars) So yeah. I can go to the doctor and dentist now. Pip.



So that, friends, is me at my new job.

Grandma's Recap

(Pictured- Ebullience at mile #5)



Well...it's been over a week and she's ambulatory and running again, so I hope you'll forgive this race recap for being a little late. Yes, she finished the world famous G-Ma's Marathon and lived to tell the tale. FeeJ and I (with the eventual additions of Cap'n Dawn, Melbus, and Cap't Dottie) crewed like fiends with FeeJ doing a lion's share by hauling me around and snapping some tremendous photo's. (As seen above and below. She has a good eye, that one.)



Without getting into too much detail (and with my already terrible penchant for rambling-moreover rambling about running), I think I'd like to tell my 4 readers: Go and watch a marathon. Moreover, leapfrog mileage stops from as close to the start of the race all the way to mile 25. I'm not saying it'll replace your favorite professional sports team, but (for me) the experience- watching almost an entire marathon from start to finish? Was almost transformative.

We made it to our Kampsite Friday afternoon, had a nice dinner at the local restaurant down the street from the Kampgrounds, and turned in early...only to be roused by pissing rain coming down on the rooftop and an anxious-to-make the bus Moda. At 4am. I was still without my faculties at this point. After making it in to Duluth, FeeJ and I killed time at a Perkins with our darkly comical server- although when we started to head out to our first post (mile 5) we were nearly trapped in the parking lot since we neglected to notice that we were on the course and the first half-Mary finishers were heading on home. (Course record, btw- 1:02 half marathon. Jesus.)


We started getting our text updates from the G-Ma's website (Technology is neat!), in addition to our neighborly NE crew of A+D+Crash who were leapfrogging with us as well. FeeJ took to a light pole for a better view ala' "Singin' In the Rain" and after about 20 minutes, the wheelers started in:



And then the "Elite" runners. (Please notice the "mid-strike" footfall. Also? You could have balanced trays on their heads. Almost no bouncing. There were some good one's of the female elites but- get this- they were too fast)

Working with the Ginger's, (and grateful the rain dissipated) we made our way to mile 12 to park and watch. The racers, for the most part, were still ebullient but you could see the fatigue on their faces. By this point, we started recognizing racers from earlier and were able to better identify pace groups. (Although finding Moda...I mean if she hadn't sought us out I'd have missed her entirely) One of my favorite parts was checking out the different race costumes*, identifying footwear (several Veeb sightings) and just...clapping for everybody. Because everyone deserved a clap. Everyone.

*My favorite race t-shirt slogans included: "I shaved my balls for this?!?", "Running Sucks", and lastly "Running is GOOD for you...and your fat ass". Other race garb spanned the gamut from homemade hand-lettered "Marathon Virgin!" to silkscreened commemorative t-shirts with the picture of a deceased loved one. And then there were the "costumes"...tu-tu's, a guy dressed up like a rubber duck, a guy we nicknamed "running Jesus", and...and this guy. I'll be honest...I didn't like him too much:

(Later that night, Moda said the dude had an obnoxious habit of running off the course to have a pee in the woods before returning)

FeeJ and I then started to head back to Downtown Duluth to meet up with the rest of our crew/crew-dog and it was while stuck in traffic I received the worrisome text from 'Lis that said "Mile 16 and she's hurting". Great. And our next planned station wasn't until mile 25 or so. We eventually met with the Cap'n D et.al and made the walk from around mile 23 through downtown proper. While proudly wearing our Mo-Mer hankies, we were able to view first hand the last few miles...and the effects it had on the racers. (This, to me, was the most fascinating)

Gone were the smiles and ebullience. At this point you could tell that people were digging deep, or at least praying that the end was near. They were walking. There were people barefoot. (My favorite? The guy that smacked the mile marker with his shoes. Second only to the dude who looked like he was sooooo close to tossing his cookies) There were...bloody nipples. (WHY WEAR WHITE!?!? WHY?!?!?!?!)

But we kept cheering. We kept screaming. And the crowds...they kept following (We also noticed folks who'd been stationed and apparently leap-frogging like we did) In fact, the outpouring of support was infectious and effusive. And even though I was freezing balls (44 degrees? In June? Really?) I kept clapping and screaming until my hands went numb.

(Pictured- The truth)

And yet here I was, still worried about the Mo. We finally made it to a spot by the DECC center around mile 26 or so and waited. I finally got the text that she crossed mile 25 and we continued to clap and yell for the runners- many of whom looked like they made the worst decision in their lives. And then one woman...one woman re-affirmed that when she came "air-pulling" toward the group of us...and the families and children that surrounded us. And that affirmation came out in a primal and lusty cry!!!

(Pictured: Primal Lust. And Lactic acid. And blisters)

"THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING THING EVER!!!"

Well...with that hearty endorsement in mind, let me hustle on out and sign up for one! We milled over to the finish area and waited until we heard her name announced. (At this point, I received a flurry of text messages from the Bean, who was watching the live video stream from home, asking if he was seeing her correctly)

And man...you have never seen a flurry of emotion pass across somebodies face as much as a marathon finisher. The laughing melts into intense sobbing, back to amazement, to pain, to laughing and all smiles.

Like this:

While she limped off to pick up her gear ("This is bullshit. WHY are they making the race finishers walk another block to get their crap?!?!) I took a few minutes to soak it all in. And it wasn't pretty. In fact, it was almost like a trauma center. A little harrowing too, since they don't let you walk in with the finishers to get their stuff. We waited a tick longer until she came out (more smiles, more tears, more worry that she lost a toenail...which was only a pretty agitated blister) We walk/carried her a few blocks away until we were picked up by Dawn and Melbus and headed to grab some food at a restaurant that wasn't bursting with racers before heading back to the campsite proper for a well deserved party. (Or in Moda's case, limping to bed and passing out at 8:45.)

So I've volunteered at a water stop. I've hung out next to race/course marshall's at full-marathons. And this'll be technically the 2nd time I've crewed for Mo during a run. But I'm stone-cold serious when I tell you that you should think about attending a marathon and following the course of the run from stem to stern. It's a powerful thing to see people-from the "Elite" runners all the way to 1st timers who just want to finish (the last place finisher came in just over 7 hours.) and how they evolve/devolve as the joy and energy is slowly replaced, mile by mile, with gritted teeth. Pain. Focus. Resolve. Just to say you ran 26.2 miles. I guarantee...the racers will appreciate it from the bottom of their medallioned hearts.

Replace my Central A/C

Sorry. I know I have catching up to do on my stories, but it is Summer, my time and funds are limited, and I'm querying the universe to see if anyone has any suggestions/recommendations before I put actual leg-work into getting this thing fixed/replaced/bid on.

Okay, so most of you know I biffed when playing with the tiller in the backyard last month and what you see above is the result of my incompetence. The tiller, a minute after I started it, "kicked" up and banged that lil' lower corner. Freon proceeded to blow out like a cartoon steam whistle, and when it finally stopped? I couldn't really look inside to see what exactly was wrong. It seemed like a small hole, and (what I was secretly hoping) a small fix that my Utility company would be able to rectify. (I am, as you know, on the Service Plus plan. Ahem. <--Fancy Pants McGhee)

Anyway, after the record-setting heat and the fact that I was put on a wait list for the repair I ended up purchasing a window unit in the interim to make sure that at least my 2nd floor stayed marginally cool when it gets dirty hot this summer, and waited sweatily until the repair person showed up with their diagnosis. I had a show on repair day, so I told them what the issue was and tasked my roommate with taking meticulous notes to let me know what the issue/fix was for when I got home. (He's really, really good at that sort of thing) And the news, it turned out, seemed pretty bad.

So I'm listing the issues/repairs below, and I have to tell you- I think it's kind of bunk. At least, I have a hard time believing it. The bottom line, per the dude, was that it's irreparable. My thought was, at best, someone could replace the copper tube and replace the freon and away we go. Worst case, I find a similar model, chuck the old one, plug the (used) replacement in, away we go. Apparently, that isn't the case. And from the people I've spoken to- Both people who know a/c and other friends? It seems weird that they'd say that it can't be fixed. So HERE'S WHERE I'D LIKE YOUR HELP pleeeease:

(Notes were taken by my roommate. I've made comments/questions next to the bulleted list in italics)

The repair record card said: Coil Cannot Be repaired, Need New A/C (Ooookay...why? )

The Bean's notes, based on the dude who inspected it:
-Repair not possible, and if someone says they can do it, they're fools. (S#it. I pity fools)
- Replace outside "RZZ" possible with NEW "RZZ" - NOT old, or used equipment. (Wait, so then I can just replace the parts and it can be repaired? I'm confused)
- OR replace the inside/outside w/"R410A" (Wait...what about the hole?)

DIAGRAM'd!!! "Outside" hardware means the a/c unit, "Inside" is the thing that it connects to, that's built into the furnace.

OUTSIDE HARDWARE<---CONNECTING HARDWARE---> INSIDE HARDWARE
"RZZ" <-----MUST BE COMPATIBLE WITH WHAT'S INSIDE---> "RZZ"
(Apparently, my 10 year old central a/c is now obsolete. Why? Oh. R410A)
"R410A"<----IN SHORT, THE MODELS MUST MATCH---> "R410A"

(So then it's just a parts issue. Right? Why should I replace this again? Why are they fools? Confused Copernicus!)

Repair person's closing thoughts:

-Shop anywhere you want for new hardware, including CenterPoint

-Repair theoretically possible, but would contaminate the system sooner or later. (What the s#it does that even mean? My web research shows contamination to be a microbe or dust problem for folks with allergies. WTF does this mean? OUTBREAK?!?!?

So there is my issue in a nutshell. If you've clicked on this link via FB to see my a/c issue, and aren't a family member, and have something constructive or beneficial to say? You have my deepest thanks. Stay frosty, readers...come August I'm gonna be a sweaty beast.

-

What to tell? Much...

Sorry, sorry...my bad. I know it's been a few weeks but there's been a metric crap ton on the Mikey front over the last few weeks. I had promised blogs-a-plenty but these last two weeks have been a jumble of activities and it's hard for me to parse them down. I'll frame these as individual blaugs eventually, but to understand where I'm coming from...a few nibblers:

-New jobbed! Yup. This is in and of itself the biggest piece of news. I'm QA'ing at an online vehicular diagnosticing company and finally entering the world of (permanent) gainful employment.

-Grandma'ed! Moda ran her first full Mary last weekend up in the Duluth area. Not only is this an impressive feat for her, there were some hilarious shenanigans over the weekend.

-Cabin'd! Mama-san and I headed up to da lake to get the trailer unpacked and have a mow. On the way back, we discussed in "real" terms what this could mean by way of getting a new, actual livable cabin in place of the shack etc. (I'm confirming this...since she does read this thing...and saying to cyber-ville that if we had a livable cabin- That is to say something with working indoor plumbing/shower/kitchen/sleeping area and a dock that could easily be rolled in place? I'd probably go up twice-monthly during the summer months. No lie.)

-Races! I'm on the fence about frassin' about this one. The "Boom" is coming up and I'm still wondering if I wanna do it. It's practically in my back yard. Cheap. And I've been training on the harder parts of the route for the last month so working the hill and riding it down isn't a worrisome issue. In other news, I'm floating comfortably around my target weight of 180 or so and am wearing other summer shorts.

-Garden!!! We're working with the scapes tonight, kids! Garlic curly-cue goodness! I have NOTHING by way of new plantings but hopefully will change that this weekend when I put up the bun-bun proof fence.

-Closed/Open! I closed the "Angry" dude play, which was mildly sad. (It was a real pleasure working with everyone of those guys) HowEVER I auditioned for a Fringe show and got in (pip) so there'll be more theater-frass aplenty after the fourth of July.

How about that? There's other frass a-brewing in the coming summer months- Finishing the landscaping project as well as indoor projects (My roommate is going to be gone for a week and a half...ergo, I'm throwing a party) Tubin' trips down the Cannon, the desperate need for a new Central A/C, and getting acclimated to my new routine at the new job.

Expect more to follow. If you're here, glad you stuck around.

Movie Review: "X-Men: First Class"

Fair warning...I'm going to spoil the shit out of this movie.

(sighs) I had a long drawn out opening here. I'm skipping it because if you're reading this you've either seen the 4 other films in the X-Men movie franchise or have some familiarity with the source material. In telling you that I'm a nerd/geek, I should probably qualify it by also saying I'm not some dipshit who'll blindly walk into a franchise movie. I can weigh comic/sci-fi films on my very own, make informed decisions based on reviews, gut-feelings, and whether or not I care. (I'm also very forgiving.) This is why I can watch "Daredevil" or "Superman Returns" knowing they might not be great but appreciate them for what they are. And avoid the latest "Pirates" franchise money grabber or "Elektra" outright. Or take "Batman and Robin" out of my VCR, take a crap in the case, duct tape it shut, and put it in the overnight bin at Hollywood Video with a post-it note that says "You're Welcome" on it. Might've happened.

Anyway, I own X3 and Wolverine which are the dogs/red-headed stepchildren of the franchise because of my OCD on owning full franchise runs on DVD (something I'm loosening up on as I get older) and because I can still find the love in them. It's there, buried in shitty scripts and pacing...ego projects coughcoughHughJackmancoughcough (Okay, quick rant...you're well built, Hugh. We get it. But please don't be a McConnaudouche and be shirtless in EVERY movie, kay? It's "The Prestige" for pities sake. Victorian London. And you HAVE to have a shirtless scene in it? You're built like a frickin' truck, not a sleight-of-hand master. Ugh. End. Rant)

Okay...

Plot synopsis- The US gov't enlists help of mutants to stem the tide of the Red Menace during the Cuban Missile crisis. Kevin Bacon, a degree beside himself, wants World War 3. Hijinks ensue.

So I had some reservations going into this one. A friend of mine said "I get tired of 'prequels'...why can't they up and do the first story first and build from there?" Fair enough. He's in the business and understands that blockbuster summer movies typically pull a "Star Wars" to gauge fan interest FIRST before bleeding the property dry by turning around 4 films into a series to do an "origin" story. And I think that was my initial reservation, coupled with the fact that we already know where this story is going. Like "Titanic" with Mutants but sans a nekkid Kate Winslet.

That said, I like the director's body of work ("Stardust" is a gem, btw. And if you haven't seen "Layer Cake", shame on you.) and the leads were cast well enough to give it a chance. ALSO, there's the fact that I personally think it's cool that they're now taking these huge studio genre films and making them into period pieces. (I have high hopes for you, "Captain America")

I guess...well...with "X-Men: First Class"? I got kind of bored. Had a "Third Class" experience, if you will. See...

I "get" what they were trying to do. Really. Give it that swinging 60's James Bond vibe. And I "think" they were trying to piece it all in to the 1st three X-Men movies for continuities sake. Not just gentle winks and nudges to the audience and fans, but really say "This is where THEY started. Remember? Remember? We got the metal mover. The mentalist. The blue lady! It's like the same movie in 1961!" And they wanted us to buy into it.

Except- I'm not gonna toss continuity aside for the sake of my own enjoyment here. If you want to keep continuity and to be still be groundbreaking? Do your homework better. Or make the delineations clear enough for widespread enjoyment to a larger audience base and not to people like me who've seen the first few "X" movies a few times...enough to have more questions and head scratching WTF moments walking out that most people who've NEVER seen them might-not-have.

For example: They take the time to make a nearly shot-for-shot reference to the beginning of the first "X-Men" in the concentration camp to start the story. Then, they have not one but TWO magical cameo's in the form of the "older" Mystique and by Mr. Jackman. (In, IMO, the best use of a character throwback and F-Bomb in a PG-13 film) We have the Blackbird. We have a blue furry beast. Magneto and how he got his name and helmet. The same makeup on Mystique. And hey, isn't that African-American Girl when Xavier uses Cerebro...doesn't she have white hair? Isn't that Storm? There's just so much that puts it in the exact same universe as the first three movies. It stands to reason, no...it makes sense that THAT is what they were going for.

So then if we know Prof. X winds up in a wheelchair (but he's shown walking at different points in 2 of the previous franchise films...and actually still buddies with Magneto when they're older like at the start of "X3") Then why the shit did they decide to end it like they did? He winds up paralyzed and still with hair while Magneto and the rest of the bad guys saunter off? Why not make him go bald the first time he uses Cerebro? (Although, the joke they placed in it's stead "Can we shave your head?"/"No." was good) And (sideways tangent) why the shit is Moira MacTaggert...who is so very-very Scottish in the comics and "X3"- AND played by Brit Rose Byrne...why is she American? So that she can be CIA? I just...what?

Other nitpicks: Magneto says to Mystique that he likes his women older when she's trying to seduce him (insert cameo by Ms. Romijn) and then when she turns back into her "normal" form he then decides to bed her? That takes their relationship to a different level in the other films? (Once you go blue, you can never go...I don't know) And really, reeeeeeeally? Don't patronize me. Like, please don't make me feel like an enormous dipshit. Well how did they do this? When the caption says "Moscow, USSR" and yup...it's indeed a snowy day in the Kremlin. Then you go back and show the exact same shot? You don't NEED to have the gawdamn caption say "Moscow, USSR". We are stupid, we audiences. But I think you didn't lose us in 5 minutes.

And I've read that everyone is fawning over the Bacon. Except I kind of thought he made it a little too gleefully evil. It worked at the beginning when he was goading young Magneto, but instead of getting cold and "evil" he just got more gleeful and cackle-y. (Props, though, for a really awesome death scene) Sebastian Shaw is supposed to be one smooth Mo-Fo...Kevin Bacon acted like he didn't know what he was supposed to be doing in a super-hero movie.

And then there is Emma Frost. Miz Jones...I mean really? You cast a Victoria's Secret Mannequin? She. Sucks. And f#ck it if I HATE HATE HATE the "crystal" power she has. Just make her a mind reader/f#cker and be done with it. Or cast a piece of balsa wood. You'd get a better actor. Lastly...let's not ride the "Proud to be a Mutant" mantra into the ground. It sounds...lame. Like...we get it. A dramatic close-up of a character saying the phrase doesn't make it powerful. Actually, when you've been trying to build it up until this point? It kind of does the opposite.

Did I like it? Meh. Maybe enough to own it as a bookend to the rest of the X-Men films I own. I think Fassbender is great. McAvoy does good work. (Although do we always need the visual cue of "touching your temple" when you're "reading minds"? Just read the stupid minds. You have an awesome power. Probably the best power. And you need to make constipated migraine face every time? Guh) I think that if you just had a film of the two of them in the swinging sixties, getting into shenanigans or chasing Nazi's in Argentina? That, my friends, would be an EXCELLENT film.

Instead we get a clunky, mildly uneven entry into the series that proves the following: It's a better film than X-3 and Wolverine put together. But unfortunately, that ain't saying much.

2/4 stars. And it gets that many only because of a great cameo and reasonably well- paced direction and action sequences.

You know what you don't do?

(pictured- The author post-recovery run on the record-setting hottest day of 2011. I went early to beat the heat but still lost a 4 pints of water. It was like my own mini-Badwater marathon out there! And you know somethi...fahk. I am anti-photogenic. Ugh...)

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK!!! What? You think that because the race is over and my wistful memories and the painful exertion that went into the half-Mary was the end of running jibba-jabba? No, No, No, my friends. I have a new toy to play with that you see there dangling out of my mouth like a slobbery tennis ball being handed to you by a golden retriever. I found it in the locker room at work and after turning it in to the lost and found , I waited a month (or until my last day on the job if it matters) before inquiring if anyone had claimed it. To be fair, I'd have walked off with it as soon as I found it but Moda made mention that it's bad race karma to abscond with someone else's running tool. (And it had also been pointed out to me that the karma worked when I twisted my ankle during the run and didn't up and break my foot. I'm just sayin'...) So, when no one claimed it?

Yoink.

So now I have a Garmin and outside of the fact that it's supposed to tell me my pace and distance, I can't figure the dumb thing out. So I now own the equivalent of an expensive digital watch on my wrist. Still...I wanted to get used to wearing it. And on my little 4-5 mile putter, it did give me an idea of how long I was going to be out in the wretched heat and when to "turn it up" so I could haul-ass home before it hit 100 degrees. Nothing says nothing like a training recovery run that involves blood, swass, and tears...

(Pictured: Swass)


Anyway, I'm gonna start frassin about the back yard but I still need to figure out a mulch solution (although during the Half-Mary we did see the tree chippings in an enORMOUS pile off of the Plymouth avenue bridge...the remnants of the tornadoes from a few weeks back) and also a plan as to what I'm planting and where. (I'm having a tough time "imagining" what the layout is going to be. I might solicit your help, readers) First and foremost is getting the stupid whirligigs blown off the weed barrier so that they don't take root or turn into a nesting ground for the stupid boxelder bugs that permeate my home when I neglect to do so.

(Remember when you were a kid and you'd watch them twirl and whirl like little helicopters and it was SO much fun? Yeah. I don't either)

It also means keeping them out of my gutters, garden, and flower/herb pots. 2 years ago I forgot to clear them out and they started growing in my gutters that were uncovered and choked out my flowers and herbs like they were in a mixed-martial arts match. It was a sad growing season in 2009...just sayin. Moreover, they actually do provide the nesting materials for the bugs and since I'm not hosting a insectoid orgy I'm getting outside and blowing that crap away from the huis.

(Pictured: It's always a good idea to respect your elders...unless they're getting their groove on next to the outside dryer vent.)


Oh. I'll also be posting my "X-Men: First Class" review soon. Fair warning, it's not what you'd probably expect from this nerd.