Movie Review: "X-Men: First Class"

Fair warning...I'm going to spoil the shit out of this movie.

(sighs) I had a long drawn out opening here. I'm skipping it because if you're reading this you've either seen the 4 other films in the X-Men movie franchise or have some familiarity with the source material. In telling you that I'm a nerd/geek, I should probably qualify it by also saying I'm not some dipshit who'll blindly walk into a franchise movie. I can weigh comic/sci-fi films on my very own, make informed decisions based on reviews, gut-feelings, and whether or not I care. (I'm also very forgiving.) This is why I can watch "Daredevil" or "Superman Returns" knowing they might not be great but appreciate them for what they are. And avoid the latest "Pirates" franchise money grabber or "Elektra" outright. Or take "Batman and Robin" out of my VCR, take a crap in the case, duct tape it shut, and put it in the overnight bin at Hollywood Video with a post-it note that says "You're Welcome" on it. Might've happened.

Anyway, I own X3 and Wolverine which are the dogs/red-headed stepchildren of the franchise because of my OCD on owning full franchise runs on DVD (something I'm loosening up on as I get older) and because I can still find the love in them. It's there, buried in shitty scripts and pacing...ego projects coughcoughHughJackmancoughcough (Okay, quick rant...you're well built, Hugh. We get it. But please don't be a McConnaudouche and be shirtless in EVERY movie, kay? It's "The Prestige" for pities sake. Victorian London. And you HAVE to have a shirtless scene in it? You're built like a frickin' truck, not a sleight-of-hand master. Ugh. End. Rant)

Okay...

Plot synopsis- The US gov't enlists help of mutants to stem the tide of the Red Menace during the Cuban Missile crisis. Kevin Bacon, a degree beside himself, wants World War 3. Hijinks ensue.

So I had some reservations going into this one. A friend of mine said "I get tired of 'prequels'...why can't they up and do the first story first and build from there?" Fair enough. He's in the business and understands that blockbuster summer movies typically pull a "Star Wars" to gauge fan interest FIRST before bleeding the property dry by turning around 4 films into a series to do an "origin" story. And I think that was my initial reservation, coupled with the fact that we already know where this story is going. Like "Titanic" with Mutants but sans a nekkid Kate Winslet.

That said, I like the director's body of work ("Stardust" is a gem, btw. And if you haven't seen "Layer Cake", shame on you.) and the leads were cast well enough to give it a chance. ALSO, there's the fact that I personally think it's cool that they're now taking these huge studio genre films and making them into period pieces. (I have high hopes for you, "Captain America")

I guess...well...with "X-Men: First Class"? I got kind of bored. Had a "Third Class" experience, if you will. See...

I "get" what they were trying to do. Really. Give it that swinging 60's James Bond vibe. And I "think" they were trying to piece it all in to the 1st three X-Men movies for continuities sake. Not just gentle winks and nudges to the audience and fans, but really say "This is where THEY started. Remember? Remember? We got the metal mover. The mentalist. The blue lady! It's like the same movie in 1961!" And they wanted us to buy into it.

Except- I'm not gonna toss continuity aside for the sake of my own enjoyment here. If you want to keep continuity and to be still be groundbreaking? Do your homework better. Or make the delineations clear enough for widespread enjoyment to a larger audience base and not to people like me who've seen the first few "X" movies a few times...enough to have more questions and head scratching WTF moments walking out that most people who've NEVER seen them might-not-have.

For example: They take the time to make a nearly shot-for-shot reference to the beginning of the first "X-Men" in the concentration camp to start the story. Then, they have not one but TWO magical cameo's in the form of the "older" Mystique and by Mr. Jackman. (In, IMO, the best use of a character throwback and F-Bomb in a PG-13 film) We have the Blackbird. We have a blue furry beast. Magneto and how he got his name and helmet. The same makeup on Mystique. And hey, isn't that African-American Girl when Xavier uses Cerebro...doesn't she have white hair? Isn't that Storm? There's just so much that puts it in the exact same universe as the first three movies. It stands to reason, no...it makes sense that THAT is what they were going for.

So then if we know Prof. X winds up in a wheelchair (but he's shown walking at different points in 2 of the previous franchise films...and actually still buddies with Magneto when they're older like at the start of "X3") Then why the shit did they decide to end it like they did? He winds up paralyzed and still with hair while Magneto and the rest of the bad guys saunter off? Why not make him go bald the first time he uses Cerebro? (Although, the joke they placed in it's stead "Can we shave your head?"/"No." was good) And (sideways tangent) why the shit is Moira MacTaggert...who is so very-very Scottish in the comics and "X3"- AND played by Brit Rose Byrne...why is she American? So that she can be CIA? I just...what?

Other nitpicks: Magneto says to Mystique that he likes his women older when she's trying to seduce him (insert cameo by Ms. Romijn) and then when she turns back into her "normal" form he then decides to bed her? That takes their relationship to a different level in the other films? (Once you go blue, you can never go...I don't know) And really, reeeeeeeally? Don't patronize me. Like, please don't make me feel like an enormous dipshit. Well how did they do this? When the caption says "Moscow, USSR" and yup...it's indeed a snowy day in the Kremlin. Then you go back and show the exact same shot? You don't NEED to have the gawdamn caption say "Moscow, USSR". We are stupid, we audiences. But I think you didn't lose us in 5 minutes.

And I've read that everyone is fawning over the Bacon. Except I kind of thought he made it a little too gleefully evil. It worked at the beginning when he was goading young Magneto, but instead of getting cold and "evil" he just got more gleeful and cackle-y. (Props, though, for a really awesome death scene) Sebastian Shaw is supposed to be one smooth Mo-Fo...Kevin Bacon acted like he didn't know what he was supposed to be doing in a super-hero movie.

And then there is Emma Frost. Miz Jones...I mean really? You cast a Victoria's Secret Mannequin? She. Sucks. And f#ck it if I HATE HATE HATE the "crystal" power she has. Just make her a mind reader/f#cker and be done with it. Or cast a piece of balsa wood. You'd get a better actor. Lastly...let's not ride the "Proud to be a Mutant" mantra into the ground. It sounds...lame. Like...we get it. A dramatic close-up of a character saying the phrase doesn't make it powerful. Actually, when you've been trying to build it up until this point? It kind of does the opposite.

Did I like it? Meh. Maybe enough to own it as a bookend to the rest of the X-Men films I own. I think Fassbender is great. McAvoy does good work. (Although do we always need the visual cue of "touching your temple" when you're "reading minds"? Just read the stupid minds. You have an awesome power. Probably the best power. And you need to make constipated migraine face every time? Guh) I think that if you just had a film of the two of them in the swinging sixties, getting into shenanigans or chasing Nazi's in Argentina? That, my friends, would be an EXCELLENT film.

Instead we get a clunky, mildly uneven entry into the series that proves the following: It's a better film than X-3 and Wolverine put together. But unfortunately, that ain't saying much.

2/4 stars. And it gets that many only because of a great cameo and reasonably well- paced direction and action sequences.