(Editor's note: This will contain your annually scheduled Minnesota Cold Weather/Winter kvetching that you may have come to know and love from myself and any other able bodied and vocal MN resident. I will do my best to reduce the number of "Game of Thrones" references, because originality...)
A few Sunday (Sundaes?) back, November 9th in fact, I was desperately raking the immense annual backyard dump-z-palooza of leaves from my oversized box elder tree into the evening dark. This, of course, was due to the weather reports threatening snowfall beginning the next morning. I had ran out of recyclable bags, so I was doing the terrible Minnesotan thing of pushing the massive pile behind the garage on the mulch with the rest piled over the garden bed. I actually had the wherewithal to cover the wood stack in the fire pit with a tarp, just in case a nice fire would ease the chill of Winter...in other news, I felt more or less ready.
Then, in 10 short hours I was up at the crack of dawn shoveling my walk. 8 hours after that? More shoveling. The next morning? More shoveling and a little salt. And then? The temperatures starting hitting unseasonable lows in the single digits. So far I've invested in 160 lbs of sidewalk salt and needed to ice/heat a neck/shoulders/lower-back that have yet to forgive me for this shitty onslaught of weighted push-pull manual labor.
...Huh. I seem to remember all of this happening much...much...later. Except for last year. And the year before that...and, and, and...
A couple of things started swirling and jumbling in my noggin and have jockeyed for a position in my brain space simultaneously so that I've been trying to calm myself with deep breathing and try and recognize them all individually, BUT...ADHD is making it hard to articulate.
So...here are: The facts
-The 2 brutal, back-to-back Winter's are stimulating a cringing "flight" response in my body this year due to the fact that we just finished a "below-average temperature" November. A physical flinch. Both coming off the heels of the unseasonable (and lovely) 2011-2012 Winter, (Which, to be fair, wasn't *so* bad after the Snowpocolypse in December 2010 into 2011.) The first- snowy to the point we thought it'd never end and last year's record-breaking sub-zero cold temps that meant we were below zero for nearly two straight months. Even though my blogging is, shall we say "thin"...I managed to blog about it at least twice here and here.
-2013-2014 has seen an unusually high exodus in my friend-base toward the West Coast, with 2015 seeing a few more buddies making the trek.* As we're all in film/theater/comedy etc it may seem like a no-brainer that folks head to LA-LA land to invest themselves in the business where it's hottest. I'm starting to wonder if self-preservation wasn't a large part of their decision either.
-My PERSONAL druthers when asked about a United States region that represents my spirit tends to lean toward my beloved Southwest (est. 1992), I will also confess a spiritual menage' a trois with my love of crashing surf, salt air, and the dream-inducing quality the Southern California coastline inspires within me. (est. 1992 as well.)
-I used to say that I hit my "wall" with Winter on approximately February 18th. I thought I had the date down to a science, as the heart-swelling feeling of goodwill and cheer the holiday/birthday season can carry me through the new year and Valentine's day, and my resolve screeches to a stop when the manic and dark month of February typically exposes us to our first *real* taste of consistent sub-zero temperatures. The kind of deep freezing temps in Minnesota that only snowmobile enthusiasts and ice-fisherpeople seem to enjoy with any real zeal.
-I say typically...as last year the angry, bitter cold held the kind of grip on my body and soul like a rogue shark pulling you hopelessly from side to side before dragging you down.
-We (here in the Cities) just experienced our first "pure" (non-wind chill) below zero evening last night...December 1st.
-I've been giving serious pause to asking my boss about the logistics of moving to Las Vegas in order to be closer to our corporate office and renting my recently re-financed house out.***
These are the words I ponder...listen to my voice.
My ladyfriend has moved in with me. Not having to brave two cities for canoodling this Winter could make it better. I've a land mark birthday coming up. As I'm not one to linger on the number, I'm hoping it results in a wealth of buddy-time on Christmas to fill my heart up until it slops over like an overflowing barrel on a ship deck during a storm. And most importantly- a majority of the weather people, Weather.gov, (certain) Farmer's Almanac reports, and friends who have an interest in meteorology agree- it's not gonna "Polar Vortex" our asses again.**** That's why it's called a "30-Year-Storm". That's why it hasn't been that bad since 1983, 1991, or 1995, 2010 respectively*****.
I'm hoping I can break down the wall. I am. I hate eating my own words, and I hate the idea of despair this early in the season. Hiiiiyahhhh!
*At least I'll have a place to crash, right? And buddies to visit? Buddies who seem to miss their Midwest frassers? That's my hope anyway.
**When visiting a friend in Las Vegas who was also performing 8 x's a week in one of the Strip's popular musicals, I remember asking if he missed all of the diverse theatrical opportunities in the Twin Cities to work on a pretty vanilla (albeit popular) piece of theater fluff. As these kind of responses are wont to do, it stuck with me: "What I miss is having independent coffee shops every few blocks and not just Starbucks and Caribou. What I don't miss is waking up to my knees and hips aching and having to periodically shovel my walk 6 months out of the year." #thisisforty
***I'm not. No. Even if I wasn't invested, I've a sick mother and a partner and home I love. Since this article would indicate I'm accustomed to eating my own words from time to time, don't be surprised if I do something shocking and uncharacteristic for this friendly neighborhood frasser.
****I recently learned that there is always a looming "Polar Vortex" in the Arctic Regions, and last year's stabbing into North America was just a one-off. They usually hang around Greenland. And as always, the good folks at Cracked say it better than I ever could.
*****These were the last couple of really, really shitty Winters that took place in my lifetime. And if it's one thing Minnesotan's love to do is recall shitty Winters like they were from Westeros. (1982-83 was one of 2 snow days I ever had from Kindergarten through college due to cold. And mom and dad still didn't get the memo and had me walk to school only to see that the doors were locked. 1991 was the "Halloween Blizzard" that nobody can shut up about, 1995-96 had another spate of sub-zero temps which- to this day -causes me to feel the need to start my car in the middle of the night if the weather report says it's going to get into double-digits below zero...and 2010-11 was the mighty snowpocolypse which caused your hero to wade through waist-deep snow in the middle of the street to make it to the LQ for wiiiiine.)
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