...In which I explain Hammer Horror Films to my girlfriend...

(Editor's note.  In the merry month of October, my casual reader's probably are aware that I fill my queue with horror films in the spirit of the season.   My own way of being Halloween's version of KOOL 108 playing X-mas music ad nauseum starting after Thanksgiving.  Time constraints are keeping me from enjoying the lion share of new horror that I like to watch- in addition to my girlfriend *not* being so into the macabre aspects versus the more "pumpkins and smiling scarecrow and Fall leaves" version of the season.  So I try to be respectful.  That said...

In trying to make a list of social media recommendations in order to find some new scares on the tube, I started with Hammer Horror's "The Vampire Lover's"- one that only employed Peter Cushing (Christopher Lee was probably busy recording his metal album) and a bevvy of the staple of curvy, nubile women that Hammer studios was known for using in their movies.  (See Miss Pitt below.)  Anyway, it's terrible.  And when Rach logged in to watch her umpteenth re-run of "Queer Eye for the Straight guy", she yells "Oh my GOD!  You ARE watching vampire lesbian p0rn!!!"  

This, in turn, was what prompted me to try and explain Hammer Horror movies- the entire Gothic cannon of horror- in a nutshell as she looked at me half amusingly and half accusatorily.  It wasn't so much of a Cliff Notes version, as it was more like a auctioneer since my explanations can be rambly and I know that I'd lose her attention after the 1st sentence.

It's about love, really.

So it's Gothic horror, right?  And there are dark castle's, and burning wall torches, and (clipped terrible Peter Cushing voice) "The air is filled with MENACE...yes yes yes MENACE" and then a woman says "General?  Can my comely daughter stay vith you?  Ze way home iz long, and ve need to travel qvickly.  Ve know she will be safe here." And then you see Ingrid Pitt who you KNOW is bad news because she's all...(sucks in cheeks and stares) you know?  And wearing a red cape and choker and the general's daughter SCREAMS at night after seeing SOMETHING  and Ingrid Pitt comes in and is all like "I vill tek care uff you.  You haff nuzzing to fear" and the general's daughter is all like "Yes yes.  You are wonderful and my very best friend.  Please keep me company" and Ingrid Pitt is all taking off her robe and still wearing her red choker and bare-ass and some guy is outside on a horse who is totally a vampire because he's staring up and laughing with pointy teeth and like naked Ingrid Pitt lies with her head on the other girls heaving bosom and she, you know, chomp chomp...

And the next day she's sick and stuff and they're all "give her some steak, she'll be fine" and the daughter suddenly dies and the doctor's all like "bring me my stethoscope" and they undo the DAUGHTER's top and it's like (BRAAAAAM BRAAAMMM VIOLIN MUSIC AND HORNS) PUNCTURE WOUNDS ON HER TA-TA'S!!! and they're all confused "What could have done this?  Harrumph?  We must investigate the MENACE!  MENACE KILLED HER!!  WE'RE GOING TO FIND THE SOURCE OF THE (BRAAAAAM BRAAAAMM VIOLIN) MENACE YES YES HARRUMPH QUITE QUITE GET SOME TEA!"

And so...yeah.  There are a few neck and titty bites, but it's mostly bloodless and they were trying to set themselves apart from the Universal horror 30 some years prior so they did it with some hotties and (usually) tall handsome Christopher Lee or Oliver Reed (notices her confusion) and you saw the one with Daniel Radcliffe?  Harry Potter's Horror movie?*  Yeah.  That was Hammer making a comeback and...

Why are you laughing?  So you don't want to fold laundry and watch the rest of it?


*"The Woman In Black"