This is a fun lil' header I stole from MD, and by proxy MO. (What is up with the transplanted M's, I tellya)
Moda told me a funny story about being 14 and hormonal which I'll refrain from sharing here (It's damn...damn funny), but aren't girls and boys little drama queens? All that frass, and hormones, and anger, and caution, and impressionable mind-age...I admired kids that could stay focused and on-course. Heck, to a much lesser extent I admired parents that not only worked their butts off but also worked to keep their kids focused. (To be fair, during one of my teenage arguments with my parents my mother pointed out the glaring fact that as much pain and suffering I believed I was going through "You got it pretty good, kiddo. Has your father or I ever made you do anything you didn't want to? Made you get a job?"
So with hindsight being what it is, meaning "sight from behind", I thought I'd give 14 year old "me" a few pernters to ease them through the insufferable time known as adolescence.
1) Lose the mullet. I know your big brother had one. I know that it's because you loooove "MacGuyver". And you play hockey. It's just...dumb.
2) Mikey sez chillax. You are so wound up, dude. Tighter than a snare drum. Look at you. I know that you started lifting weights at the Y to help your own weight (more on that in a sec) but do you have to start walking around like you have a stick up yer butt?
Remember last year? When you were thirteen? You were at the acme of your weirdness. You loved horror movies. You wore trenchcoats and fedoras without shame or irony. (Which would probably flag you for a psych screen nowadays) You amassed a pin collection. You stuffed your pockets with crap like switchblade combs and Circus game tokens and silly putty. (Like you were Doctor Who. ) Your walls were littered in comic books. You wore Hawaiian Shirts and hipster cartoon t-shirts... with jams. You weren't embarrassed by mom and dad. Hell, son. You were cool before hipsters were all doing that anyway. And isn't that what it's all about, really? Being cool by being you? What does this mean?
3) You aren't defined by your clothes. By next year, you'll have adopted this revolting habit of owning 4 pairs of Girbaud in different color schemes. (Blue, Dark Blue, Black, and...wait for it- White. Jesus, little me. You owned white jeans.) But if I'm catching you at the right time, you won't have had mom drop you off at the Brookdale Dayton's with your friends as you make your first purchase with your allowance money- An $80 pair of jeans. That are apparently all the rage because they have a little white strip on the dick area that says "Girbaud". At least "Guess" kept their logo on the ass so that people could be subtle when their gaze dropped to the not-so-indiscrete label.
County Seat Outlet in Crystal wasn't so bad, was it? Yeah, all the MG and Plymouth brats were wearing $65 Ralph Lauren polo shirts. $90 Air Jordans. $26 Nike T-shirts. So what. Here's a hint- Levis? Become cool again in like, 15 minutes. And they stay cool. (Granted, some of the cuts kind of suck) And you wind up a Gap/Thrift store whore anyway. Let the rabble worry about fashion. You wanna really freak kids out? Start wearing ties to school, man. Be that kid.
4) Eat better. If I'm not mistaken, the seedlings of dysmorphia started around now. It was doofy at first...you'd hug your 1 week/phone calls 'til 2am girlfriend and she'd tease you about your "love handles". Swim class was a nightmare because it seemed like all the other kids were skinny and you were the only one who looked like a stuffed sausage. So what did you do? You'd have an Carnation instant breakfast in the morning, a single serve carton of 2% milk for lunch, and then you'd wait until after 4pm so you could eat what? A box of pizza rolls? An entire Totino's pizza? It's cool that you stopped with the "3 Cheeseburgers and a Mt. Dew" at (insert fast food restaurant) but for fooks sake. You took home ec. You have been HOME EC'd! No one is asking you to cook dinners, but you need to eat better. Why?
You hit a growth spurt toward the end of 8th grade and shoot up about 3 inches or so. The baby fat goes away, coupled with your newfound liking of the free weight area of the gym.
5) Be nice to girls. Really nice. Like, act opposite of how your natural instinct to act b/c you're proving those nutty shrinks who like to say "when they're being 'mean', they really mean they like you" right. Remember 'Nettie? Probably didn't like being called "Dognette". And Koreney? She really liked you. She was pretty, and tall, and awkward and probably coulda done well with some kind words. And you were just flat-out training-bra snapping mean. Why you waited until you were 16 to start to develop your all-new old cheap moves is beyond me. Everybody appreciates compliments, even if they think they're bullshit.
6) Kiss Angie Weaver. Remember how mad she was when you were hanging out when you were 16 that you didn't do anything? It takes practice to get good, and that way you won't kiss like a guppy when you smooch Tracy next year at the Sadie Hawkins dance.
7) Like math more. I know you had "Schatzy the Nazi" who had the whole schtick when you'd ask if you can go to the bathroom "I don't know, can you?" and you patently hated him, but you can tune him out and check your answers instead of treating each assignment like it was a personal affront to your character. It will help you later. Why?
8) Start paying attention to your $, getting a savings/checking account, and start watching what and where you spend. You were 2 merit badges and a project away from getting your Eagle Scout. And guess what was one of those badges? That's right. "Personal Management." I'm not saying it set the pattern to how you lived your future years, but understanding budgeting/credit/savings at an early age would have probably helped you later in life. Oh. By the way? Not getting your Eagle Scout? Hmmm...
9) Finish what you started. Remember how you got huffy when RSvP was denied his Eagle project so you decided to say "Eff the Scouts" and stop going? What...I mean, what kind of excuse is that? C'mon, man. It'll bleed into later life. By setting the goals and finishing will leave you with a larger sense of accomplishment than false entitlement or indignation.
10) Get a job. Sooner. Like, summer work. F#ck it. Mow lawns. Adopt a work ethic early and increase your disposable income.
11) Quit football. Really, the social standing doesn't get impressive until High School and you have a shitty season your junior and senior year. Get into s#it that you'll enjoy. Karate. You've been pretending you know it anyway. Dancing. You covet the B-boys at school anyway with their sweet moves. Voice lessons...oh, that last one? Yeah, time to quit band as well. The girls are cuter, and you're a much better singer than percussionist anyway.
12) This is gonna be a hard one. Don't believe the hype. Your, uh, "best friend"? Learned to play the games before you did. And subsequently, b/c of his manipulations you got involved in some really stupid shit. You went with your gut on a few but your trusting nature kept you from keeping this guy at arms length. Because really? He was doing it b/c of his own girl issues.
Here's a rule of thumb. You know how mistrustful we can be. And I don't want to jade your optimism or make you think everyone has an angle/is out to dick you over. However in this case? They all are. See, a lot of these kids are learning about human conditioning and aren't going to mellow out on their own until they get to high school. Hell, some of them will probably wait until college. And beyond. And sadder still? The ones that don't leave it at all.
The high road is a good one to take. It gives you a birds eye view of the rabble. So keep smiling and optimistic, but not foolish. B/C some 14 year old dipshit or their toadie is going to try to see if they can "get you" to go to the drug store to buy condoms, then wait by the back of the school with your pants down b/c so and so wants to have the sex. Teens are mean f#ckers.
13) Take Spanish. Much more practical. German is all like "muck-muck-muck-muck".
14) Here's the 2nd toughest lesson and one I'll end on: Life isn't fair. At all. The minute you accept that and assert more control over your life, the better off you'll be. From this point on in your life to when you graduate from High School- from an academic stand point- you'll probably act like the rest of the yahoo's who pretend to hate school and can't wait to get out. Here's a hint- You actually have fun if you want to. The guys who were dicks end up being pretty nice to you because of the other things you're good at. Like making them laugh. And not in a "mean" way that they're used to. You do it with your brain. Have fun because you can. Be nice because you can. Life is short, man. You don't know everything there is to know and that's why you're in school. Shit, you won't know jack until you are farrrrr out of college. So better prepare now.
Oh, and when Brian invites you to that party over the summer. Say "no". Bad, bad, all bad. Let that dude get into trouble on his own.
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