'Cause I think it's funny

This was a meme I answered on the board of call. I was in rare form (By rare form I meant "I spent a couple of hours in a hot tub last night with a couple of glasses of boxed Chard so I woke up a flibbertygibbet) Annnnyway, it's tongue in cheek. As most of my responses to these things tend to be. I have a particular aversion to stupid sounding questions, so I wrote it with a smidgen of earnestness and a dollop of misanthropy to boot. So, here's my Myspace QOD. With apologies for typo's- I give you...the question Thirty Three


33. There's a hottie across the room. How do you get his/her attention?

A “hottie”? Who wrote this? Some High School tool? Jeez louise and double the cheese, this question has zero panache or moxie. Do you expect to ever meet someone using that archaic language? Or get laid? (since clearly your motive has been established by your lack of respect toward the individual whose attention you hope to obtain. You’ve already reduced them to a “thing”. Do you want to come across as a serial killer Mr. or Ms. Gein? Didn’t think so.)

You have got, to take, your time. Patience, brushfire. File those stupid ass lines in your mental Douche-a-dex, and settle down. Okay? First of all, if you feel able to- introduce yourself and be bold. Have they made eye contact? Does there seem to be a sense of mutual attraction? If yes, you can proceed to step two- Find a way to be in a similar room together. At a party, this can be the kitchen. DO NOT try to do this in the loo. You will increase your creepy Oompa Loompa factor by 10. (Unless, you know, they’re into that sort of thing. Far be it from me to judge) Or, if you haven’t already, introduce yourself (No, I repeat, NO aliases. You ain’t Bond) When they say their name, repeat it back to them “Hi ____”. Shake hands…wait! Stop staring at the crotch/tits/whatever. MAKE EYE CONTACT. Holy balls you can’t get your frassin’ mind out of the gutter!

Okay, so talk. Ask questions about them. Not lame oh shit, like “Sooooooo, do you like…stuff?”. Who are you here with? What do you do when you aren’t imbibing in mom and dads basement (Note to all: I’m wearing my misanthropy thinly today, and have made an arbitrary decision that this party is at someone’s parents, or in a rented houses basement) Sometimes boldness works in this case. If they really are the most beautiful person you’ve seen, is it awful to say so? (And NOT “You’re soooo the hottest person HERE”…just say it in a general sense. Or compliment them on something they’re wearing/feature. Avoid the naughty bits, ya perv)

Have you guys actually read this far? Damn…

Don’t be presumptious and sidle up on the couch. Give’em space. Ask if you may sit. Be polite. Please, Thank you…all that fun stuff. Act interested. (At this point, if you’ve lost interest there is nothing wrong with exiting the conversation, feigning a cell phone call, or jumping out a window. Take your pick) If things progress and it seems everything is honky dorey, ask if they’d like to go out for coffee some time. (NOT drinks/dinner. Number one, that’s MEGA presumptious, and two…what if they’re a teetotaler? Coffee/Tea says you’re interested in getting to know more. Booze says “I’mmmmm really only interested in screwability at this point.” ) Okay. Make sense? Barring all of that, slip a coupla roof-roofs in their drink when they aren’t looking. (Or pour the remaining contents of your drink into theirs…Oooooooo that was for you Alisa) Easy as pie.






Disclaimer, and this is especially for all the crazy new members/lurkers: I don’t actually endorse the use of roofies at all. I wouldn’t know a roofie from a childrens Tylenol.

Secondly (And this is even more hyperbolish bullshit) Actual results may vary from person to person. Results from yours truly are clinical in nature, and have in no way completed a successful coupling. Actual outcomes are weighed on a case by case basis. See your store for details. Before engaging in said roofie, bear in mind that certain sexual side effects may occur, including dizziness, nausea, drowsiness, itching, chafing, cursing, blindness, if you are male then your wee-wee may fall of in the john when you go, in women-you may end up growing a new set of tatties where your shoulder blades are. If you’ve read this far, I commend you…and encourage you to get back to work. If this works for you, let a man know via PM. It’d make for a hella good story.