Why I shouldn't be allowed to house sit...

So Portana and Tech are hitched, and Dorajar and I house/dog sat out in the sticks. Way, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out in the sticks. Sea of beige and all that. Before their arrival, I left the usual note letting them know how the week went. (Rather, I left a shorter note saying I'd email since my handwriting is gawdawful) After typing the email, I decided to send another email as a sort of direct response to some of the instructions they had left regarding the puppies/house in general. Way tongue in cheek, this is what I do with my time when I'm not studying. Way. I present you with...our week in Rosemount: *(Some additions have been made after the fact, as those funny lil' ideas kept popping in there)



Portana-

First off, my heartiest congratulations on your new life! Marriage. Wow. That's just...great. Anyhey...even though you're all married and stuff, and probably have some really great trip stories I suppose you are anxious to hear all about our week housesitting. Great.

Well, first off Dorajar and I arrived without a hitch. Granted, we pulled into the wrong house and walked in on a family having dinner...but they quickly corrected us. So friendly! We let the dogs in and scamper around for a bit, realizing after a half an hour or so that you didn't want muddy paws tracking. Dang! Well, by then they were pretty clean so we just let them shake out the remaining crusties. So much easier than a bath, lemme tell ya!

The week was pretty uninteresting. Dogs in, dogs out. By Monday, we decided to play a game called "Lets try on Portana and Tech's clothes and see if we can fool the neighbors and townsfolk!" Was that ever a qualified success! Sure, he's a good deal taller than I am, but I was able to "peg" his pants to the appropriate length. So freeing, the 80's "pegged" jeans. I'm bringing that one back for sure.

While wearing your clothes, we'd happen into shops along scenic sunny Cty Rd. 42. Dialogue would ensue, such as "Hi, I'm Tech. Durpa durpa do. I work with computers. Process codes, HittlMil HittMil, Jooba Jooba...cray. Did you know that "Cray" puts the "Gay" in computers? Well, have a gay Cray Day, Mr. Eddie Chengs employee!" They fell in love with us all over. I called up Cray and said that I was Tech and was quitting to work at the Apple Valley and Rosemount Caribou coffee (As a double, please. I need the money. And they are so CLOSE to each other on Cty. Rd. 42, how could I not?)

We had EVERYone fooled. Even your neighbors. Sure, they were suspect at first...but after a bit of impersonation, they were bamboozled! One of the neighborhood kids, let's call him "Enrique", even said..."I know you aren't the real Tech and Portana, but if I could have anything in the world...even more than the new kidney transplant I'm supposed to receive? It'd be having you...Tech and Portana 2.0, as my new neighbors....I...I...love you. Don't ever leave me. Please." Well, what do you say about something like that? So, I gave him $5 and told him to run around in a circle in his back yard for 20 minutes while Dorajar and I cleared our consciouses over another bottle of wine.

Also, if we get any packages could you please forward those on? We had a dickens of a time running credit card numbers when our signatures didn't match yours so it'd be super helpful if you could do that. Thanks.

I suppose you're more curious about your kids? Well, we had fun. I felt kind of bad about leaving them outside during the day so I locked them inside. Don't worry, I ratcheted the heat up to 85 degree's in order to better simulate their natural environment. AND I made sure to leave the lights on all over to conquer Sammy's fear of the dark. (Which was probably born after Mo and I locked her in the closet our first night. What do we know? We don't have dogs! We thought her whining was because she wanted a towel!) In order to better take care of them, we made sure they slept lovingly between us. When your Automatic thermostat dropped the temps at night, they sure did keep us warm!

Dorajar and I made up this fun game called "Let's see how fast we can get the doggies in from the rain and into bed with us!" They would usually win, but don't worry about a mess! The time it'd take to get them up the deck stairs and in the house would be PLENTY of time to dry. Sometimes. We were able to brainwash those dirty bastards through a combination of calling each other by your names, and dog roofies. Sold at a local Petsmart. Don't worry, Sammy's stomach was fine. In fact, she's been lying in the same position behind the chair for the last 5 days. Seriously, hasn't moved. It's kinda weird. Likes she's waiting for her close up or something. And I knoooow you said not to feed them human food, but Bogey was so joyful over "burrito night". That dog can put away some frijoles negroes, lemme tell you! (Oh, we were letting those spots air out a bit. They should be good and dry by the time you get home)

So the computer. Well, I know that you didn't want it shut off Nic...but the whine from your system was just too much to bear...so I put it in the tub. Oh, if you happen to find any websites that have "Teen", "Sexy Senior", "Shaved", or "Midget Pumpers"? That was Dorajar. I did my best to insert a magnet into the hard drive in order to clean that up.

Lastly the house. Man, this place is GREAT! I didn't know that your treadmill had a water holder...Moreover, I didn't know that it couldn't hold a martini glass. So if you use it, you might want to wear shoes. I'm not too sure how much glass was actually ground in the track. Oh, and I tried to use a steak knife to start Tech's Fatboy to no avail. So, we took naked pics sitting astride it. Look forward to Christmas cards, 2007! I hope you don't mind either, but as for the nudity we do insist on sleeping nude. And so as to not waste your water, we decided NOT to shower while we were here. Weird. Dorajar, however, did use your razor to "dry shave" her legs. That was fine. She had a couple of bumps that were from previous nicks that hadn't quite healed yet, but they were quickly dried off with your towels.

Did you know that condoms don't flush very well? SPEAKING of which, in order to save water, Dorajar and I played another game called "Let's see how long we can use the toilet before flushing!". (Don't mean to brag, but I usually won. Sure, I'd cheat and use the shower or bathtub but come ON! That was a really gross game. Oh, and if you see any refuse...you might wanna flush twice. IJS)

That's about all I can think of. I hope you both had a great time and It'll be wonderful to see you both as hubby and wife. If you find a dime sack anywhere you can keep it. I was worried that one of the dogs might've ate my weed but I think it was just misplaced behind the Tumeric. I was too lazy to check.

Warmest regards!

Baby P