How to party at my house on NYE

(Special love and thanks to Mel over at Thornehouse.blogspot.com for this. Comic gold, AND make sure you make it to #8)


How To Come to a Party at My House

1. Wear whatever you like. Hats, tuxedos, and false beards are all encouraged, separately or together.

2. You really don't have to bring anything. I know it is polite to ask, and I appreciate that politeness, but when I throw a party I am kind of a crazy control freak with the planning so I probably have it all covered. If your mother raised you in such a way that you absolutely cannot arrive empty-handed, wine (hint: I like Pinot Grigio), tulips (hint: I like purple ones), or huge baggies of drugs are always welcome.

3. Say something nice about the food, because I am not always very confident of my domestic abilities.

4. Drink. Mingle. Don't wait to be introduced. Be funny. Here is a list of conversational topics to get you started: your favorite cheeses, why John Madden and Pat Summerall should be worked over with a tire iron, scary things (nuns, clowns, midgets), stuff that sucks, weird sexual things you've done, drug stories (bonus points if they end up with you pantsless in a police station), caber tossing, your favorite Popes in history (I've always enjoyed Pope Clement VI), famous people who you wouldn't mind having as your own personal fuckpuppet (again, Pope Clement VI for me, or maybe Ricky Martin), dinosaurs RRRAAARRR!, whether you believe that the declension in the Western post-Romantic mind from Modernism to Postmodernism can be understood as a shift from epistemological skepticism to ontological skepticism, the fact that a pig has a spiral penis, and the Incredible Hulk's bad haircut (seriously, did his mom cut his hair with a bowl?).

5. Conversational topics to avoid: work (funny stories are fine, but no one wants to hear the details of your spreadsheet wizardry), your gym routine, abortion/gun control/the death penalty/terrorism, what you did or didn't eat today, how everyone lusts after you, the amount of fabulously expensive electronic equipment you own, and platform snobbery (if I even overhear a tiny fragment of the Windows vs Mac vs Linux debate I'll slip a roofie in your drink, I swear). Also, anecdotes about how cute your pets or children are should be limited to five minutes or less.

6. Never, ever, insist that everyone stop drinking, talking, and generally having a good time in order to "play a game." Playing games is fine, if it is that sort of party. Or there can be a subgroup of game players within a larger party. But you are not the Camp Counselor of the party, to be demanding that the partygoers do this or that.

7. Be a Good Drinker: no vomiting, no wanton destruction, no unwanted groping of fellow guests. Dirty jokes, comic antics, flirtation, and slightly slurred stream-of-consciousness blather are encouraged, however. If things do get out of hand, you are welcome to spend the night. I have plenty of couch space.

8. Remember, your hostess sets the tone. So: If I am wobbling about like Dorothy Parker on a bad night, consuming superhuman quantities of gin, kissing just about everyone on the mouth, waving cigarettes around and coming dangerously close to setting you on fire, and cracking wise about all and sundry, that gives you a free license to completely let your hair down. And if at any point I drop into a kung-fu stance that is a very clear signal that all bets are off. (For some reason I tend to make with the martial arts poses when I get very drunk.)

End of year "Best of" list!

Man. I hate to start this post on a bit of a downer, but 2009 has certainly sucked a great deal. Between losing jobs, dad, and feeling like crapola physically I'm happy to say that putting this decade to bed is a blessing and serving to help me get my butt in gear for a fortuitous year of growth in 2010.

I'm not a fan of "top ten" lists (especially when they start coming out in October/November. Hello? Year ain't done yet, turkeys) but there were some stand out moments/activities in '09 that'd I'd like to give the Christmas baby stamp of approval. Without further ado:

BEST NEW MUSIC FIND(s)-

(I dig on a lot of stuff I hear on the current, but these tunes are catchy and get stuck on ear worm more than I care to count)

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes "Home"
Gnarls Barkley "Going on"

(Runner up- Metric)

BEST THEATRICAL PRODUCTIONS-
"Caroline, or Change"
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show"
"Beauty and the Beast"

(Runner up- "Hedda Gabler". Think I'm biased? Shup. It was good)

BEST FILM-
"Precious" Hands down, arguably the most affecting movie I saw in 2009.
"Star Trek" (Smart. Smart as hell re-imagining)

(Runner up- "Inglorious Basterds". Affecting, albeit in a completely different way. Oof)

BEST TV SHOWS-
(I'm hamstringing myself here since I don't watch much by way of network TV. I deplore reality shows, and the acronyms that have taken place of titles. "HIMYM"? "SYTYCD"? Dumb. These shows have been out for a minute, and make for great Netflixing nights off)

"Big Love"
"Carnivale"

BEST BOOK-
(While I'm not the book-o-phile Moda is I made a dent in a few choice reads this year. Again, they're a little old but I stand by my assertion that they make damn fine reads)

"The Time Travelers Wife"
"The Year of Living Biblically"
"The Graveyard Book"

BEST NEW RESTAURANT-
(We eat out, doi. And this finding was kind of tough to rate since many of the places we've tried tend to be established restaurans, or "bullet points" that we like to patronize. And since we mostly went to the tried and true joints, I'm feeling forced to post a doofy critique on the newest food venture)

Il Gatto. It ain't Figlio, I won't lie. Figlio is almost less a restaurant and more an institution, and when they announced the closure my reaction was more emotional than anything. And honestly I think that's the mark of a good restaurant. I can recall almost every single one of my visits going back 15-odd years. What has taken its place is a fairly respectable restaurant with a menu that has enough choices to cater to folks like myself who miss the Figlio of old and enough new choices to make it the newest hotspot for Uptown patrons. And while we weren't floored by the experience (too loud, too cramped, and a seafood dish for me that, unfortunately...was a little too brine-y) it was good enough to make me recommend it to friends.

(Runner up- Zeno. This was a one-time deal. We heard that they were having a "one-weekend" special to help drum up interest in their new expanded sushi menu and we capitalized on it. It. Was. Glorious. I can't imagine what the prices will be like since it ended, but for how inexpensive and unbelievably delicious our sushi was I can only give it a thumbs up)

Happy Birthmas!

Hiya friends. Blog central is celebrating our five year anniversary/Christmas/Birthday and I wanted to thank my (few) loyal readers this season. I hope that 2010 gives you what you want and proves satisfying in so many ways, we forget to count.

I'm 34 for a few more hours...

And scene.

BIRTHDAY'ddd!

Or CHRISTMAS'ddd!!!

Either way, it's coming. And okay, okay...so I've been a silent blog-monkey and it's been sort of a melancholier X-mas than normal, my mom (bless her heart) sent me her X-mas list (a first. Figuring out what she wants has never been easier) and asked I do the same in return. As always, I broke down my list into things that are practical and that I really, really need. (ex: new socks, a new black dress belt in my size, new boxer briefs in my husky-boy size, new running shoes, and a CO2 detector for upstairs.) Versus my ultimate "wish" (See. "Wish". Not "Need to have immediately." Jeebus) list (ex: 42 flatscreen HDTV, Blu-Ray DVD player, a new 2-car Garage and driveway, etc.)

Now, this list could get piled higher than Kilimanjaro rising like the sun above the Serengeti...Toto...No? So for y'all...here's my electronic knick-knack-nerd wish list 2009. Bearing in mind you only have 2 shopping days left. And we wants them (Refutations and justifications can be found and made in the comments below):

DVD's: (Based on repeat watchability...or if they were lent away and never returned. Thievin' bastards)

Highlander (film. 1986)
Star Trek (Extended edition. 2009)
The Wrath of Khan (1982)
The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)
A History of Violence (2005)
Rob Roy (1995)
Eastern Promises (2007)
Braveheart (1995)
Legend of Drunken Master (or. 1994 under "Drunken Master II")
Iron Monkey (2000)
Pans Labryinth (2006)
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
The Untouchables (1988)
The Unforgiven (1993)
Ratatouille (2008)
Wall-E (2008)
Brick (2005)
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

CD's (which include CD's that were stolen)

They Might Be Giants "Flood"
Bjork "Telegram"/"Homogenic"
Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits
Garth Brooks Greatest Hits
The Offspring "Ixnay on the Hombre"
Simon and Garfunkel's Concert in Central Park
De La Soul "Three Feet High and Rising"
Miss Saigon Original Cast Recording
Queens Greatest Hits vol. I and II

Toys/Books etc

Conor MacLeod replica Katana http://www.unitedcutlery.com/Images/medres/UC2593.JPG

Luke Skywalker Master Replicas FX Sword (Roman remembers the X-mas we played with these in Borders Books) http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51n5IcEboPL._SL500_AA280_.jpg

Spider-Man (quality) costume http://cgi.ebay.com/Spiderman-Adult-Costume-Quality-Spandex-5-6-to-6-1_W0QQitemZ160389014886QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item2557ee2566

The following Sandman Graphic Novels by Neil Gaiman (I have the 1st three) “Dream Country”, “Seasons of the Mist”, “A Game of You”, “Fables and Reflections”, “Brief Lives”, “Worlds End”, “The Kindly Ones”, and “The Wake”.

Neil Gaiman "The Graveyard Book", "Good Omens" (w/Terry Pratchett), and "Neverwhere".

Kurt Busiek and Alex Ross "Marvels" http://www.amazon.com/Marvels-Kurt-Busiek/dp/0785100490

And, without any place to put the stupid thing: A Hogwarts DVD holder-http://www.snitchseeker.com/gallery/albums/userpics/13923/collectors017.jpg


See. Easy to please, I am! Happy Holidays, folks! Hoping to get back on the Blog-Wagon soon.

Test

Whoops! Two months got away. It isn't that I've been overtly busy, it's just been sort of a whirl wind of emotions and frass that have been filling my headspace. (And the fact that it's hard to blaug here at work) So something quick, light, frothy, and topical.


I hate people who swear without regard to who is around them. There, I said it. Now I'm a die hard with a vengeance curser. I admit it. Sweary McSwearerson. But lately, and maybe b/c I haven't felt too Christmasy, and have only desired to find peace on earth and good will towards one and other...these little outbursts p#ss me off:

(At the pumps outside of the "Stop and Save" getting gas)
"F#ck. What the...This F#ckin' thing. (to me) Every f#ckin time....NEVER prints a receipt and you gotta go in and ask the cashier for your f#ckin' receipt. F#CK!"

Me: "Oh..."


(Outside of the gym, next to the Chinese restaurant where two dudes were walking in)
"And Kelly was like...'No f#ckin way I'm doing that s#it. You get your a## in here and pin those binders.' and I was like 'Might as well. You f#ckin' break'em every time. Chr!st."

Did I mention the day care at the gym was letting out simultaneously?

(My favorite: The break room at work. Where people mill about freely. This one is priceless)

"What the f#ck do you MEAN? I can't AFFORD that. No. no. no. NO. I said "F#####ck. No. No f#ckin way. You tell Sheila that I don't give a f#ck if she can't help, she's..."

Okay. You get the gist.

So. My request, this holiday season: Watch your f#ckin mouth when you're out in public.

More topical frass...

Everyone talks of snow. So I shall not.

H-okay...

Somedays I miss being unemployed. It seems like I was given an assignment through my temp gig and cast in a show simultaneously so life has been sort of whirlwindy. I miss being able to lumber out of bed and go to the gym daily. I really felt like I was making strides physically, you know? I had lost 10 lbs and was starting to get definition and vascularity back. Then...work and show. And non-stop rain. Hello? I go from pulling 4 milers to staring wistfully outdoors and trudging up my cold-weather gear? Frack that. (Note to self- New running shoes must be in your future. Your feet hurt)

Showtime! Go here to learn more: http://www.theatrearlo.com/ It's been over 2 years since I've done a show with lines (for new readers, a lot of what I've done has been kung-fu-king s#ith up while lines are done off stage) So I get a random FB message from a buddy who ran MocW and I worked with and they're doing a pared down version of "The Importance of Being Earnest" as a sort of "bro's before ho's" remix that pokes fun at the big G's production...with a budget under $50 (The priciest seat there). And gay. Really, very, extremely gay. So I ask, who wouldn't say "sure". It's been crazy, with having a scant 2 weeks rehearsal. And for an hour long production...I have a lot of lines. A lot. Anyway, if you're free for any of our three Sunday night performances (October 11th, 18th, and 25th) and if it's your thing- go*. It's pretty funny.

Moda is in another Show-da. For real, we talked about theatre widowship before s#it got real as it was but hoo. She performed in MTM for the month of September. (Effing killer, btw) and is now in her 12 of 12 techs for "Othello". Oof. We would like to go on vacation at some point after her next show piggybacks on "O" and it'd best be overseas. Donations welcome.

I'm getting flabby. That probably isn't true, but when you go from exercising daily to not it feels like it puts on the metabological brakes.

The last of our harvest has been reaped. Snow notwithstanding, the tubers have come out and the tomatoes don't look too happy. I had been pretty good while unemployed at taking care of her, but there seems to have been some form of precipitation or rather for the last two weeks. Curses. We've plotted out next years rotation and are really needing to get the garlic bulbs in the ground before it hardens. And (gasp!) we plan on expanding. Ohhhh yes. http://hungryhippopotami.wordpress.com/

I...uh...so I was really sick my first day of work. And I've had nerves and a bad tummy for what seems like months. This all came to a realization that I'm needing to cut out booze. Not entirely, but I've reduced consumption drastically. Sad thing? I can tell. I've lost some bloat, my tummy is better, and the times I have imbibed? Makes me a little nauseous. Great. And a little insomniatic without a depressent in my system in the evening. But...it has got my brain racing. Sooooooo...I've been writing. Funny crap. In fact, I posted a fake "550's" (performing art classified in the Strib) on the old CB last week. And I wouldn't be talking about it right now, but I was pretty pleased with how it turned out. Moreover, I had about 40 other fake auditions et.al. that I wanted to post. Sooooo, I think I might do that weekly every Sunday. Until the mods make me stop or people get too annoyed. (My favorite part is when people think it's a real ad. Favorite)

Um. Yeah. Off to bundle and trundle to rehearsal. We open tomorrow night. Eep. I'm hungry.

Temporarily speaking...

Temp. Tempe. Tempeh. Tamp. Tarp. Taupe.

I'm now officially at the two week mark of my gig at the Big Gay Wagon Company (Heretofore known as "BGWC") I'm falling into the temp regiment which has some pros and cons which I'd like to share with you today.

Pro-
Distance. It's ridiculously close, being in S. Mpls, and literally takes me almost 10 minutes to get there.

Enclosed parking.

"Casual" October...meaning jeans all month long and possibly beyond.

A mildly relaxed culture. My direct report has the strangest and dryest sense of humor. You'd almost think he wasn't making a joke because he'll say one and walk away to let it linger. ("Please remember to lock your PC when you leave your desk. Otherwise you'll get hurt." Walks away)

His boss? Caught me looking at my script. Turns out he's a community musical theatre guy. And acts it, too. Campy, goofy...curses every so often...b#tches about his diet. Weird. I know, right? When I...I am the low key theatre dude.

Helpful and friendly cube mates. I was one of 3 people in a class of 14 to be elevated to the "quick learner" program...meaning 3 days of training then GO! The seasoned permanent employees next to me seem to sympathize.

The cafeteria...Holy. Okay, so this "campus" has a deli, coffee shop (I'll stick with the free break room swill, thanks) convenience store, bank, gym, and proper cafeteria. And it's big. And cheap. I forgot my soup so I figured It'd be as good of an excuse as any to check it out and they had a "build your own deli sammich" bar. Right? So I made a reasonbly healthy turkey sandwich with produce about as big as a Dagwood thinking that after I weigh it at the check out it'd be $11. $3.50. For a 16 lb sammich. The gym, btw, is only $14 a month for employees. What?

Full web access. In close to 15 years of corporate living, I've never had that.

The con...

Training, per normal for temps, is redonk. The trainer was poor and frequently had class wrested from their grasp by a few of the students. We were tested on material that we barely had time to learn and it was graded against us. Since I was pulled early, most of what I've had to do is On the Job. And without job aids, there'll be a lot of mistakes.

Temps...are kind of recyclable. The 1st, a manager came in and gave the whole dog and pony show of "you're not just a temp" and "you could very well get hired permanently!" and "many of our employees who started 4-5 years ago were temps!" in an attempt to make the fact that we're contracted and possibly expendable a little less frightening. Doesn't work on jaded hacks like me. And moreover, you kind of need to keep your head down while the perm staff are all like buddies and they treat you, well, like a temp.

Gallows humor. I don't know if I think that candor is a great thing in the workplace, but speaking of being a temp? My direct report has dropped a few funnies about how we don't technically work for him. Moreover, I suspect that he's of a narc nature. Why?

My cube is sandwiched between both managers. And they both like to get up and stand behind you to see what apps you have open. Sorry guys. I'm not trolling teh web on company time.

My commute home sucks. There are no easy freeway entrances to 35W North. I either have to go through Uptown or go South 7 blocks to 35th. Lame sauce.

The employees are maniacs. At the end of my shift, it's practically a footrace to get out of the building. And since it's badge scan exit, it's a daily occurrence that someone forgets to scan and gets trapped in the revolving doors. Moreover? That delightful parking garage I told you about? Man...people are f#cked up. Sorry. But I've nearly been ran over 4 x's now. It turns into the Indy 500 with people speeding (i.e. going at least 20-25 mph) toward the exit. And apparently, some people think that "compact parking only" means "my RAV 4 can take up two spots...chumps". Look, at the end of the day I wanna go too but this seems all too much like "Let's see how many temps we can hit before leaving!"

Lastly? I'm not a huge fan of the work. It really...well it isn't really "me". It's nice to know big bro is floating around to help with doofy stuff like password workarounds, but man. Yeah. Mortgages...

Sighs...Oh well.

It's a j-o-b.

I feel justified in the big breakfast I made today (maple smoked turkey sausage, eggs over-easy, and pancakes) because I did a 4.5 miler yesterday, lifted, rehearsed, and went for a 90 minute walk. Pip. I felt even more justified in the Chinese take out dinner I enjoyed tonight while watching "The Goonies" (edited for television) on TBS which stuffed me to the gills while the cat snored on my lap after battening down the hatches around the house.

It's that last part I'd like to touch on.

It's windy. Real windy. And when the wind is this strong it means it's blowing in something or blowing out something. And "something" tells me it's blowing in the chill. And that means outdoor jogs will be a bundlesome affair going forward. I jokingly let out the cat to see how long he'd last outside after caterwauling by the veranda door (less than a minute). I even dropped a few of the storm windows. I look forward to my pine tree in the back falling over on my garage ("Act of God...Act of God!!! New garage!!!") and worry about branches knocking into the neighbors house. I have a large boxelder in the back yard.

Frass.

I chalk it up to new job anxiety. Time to start getting up with the alarm again. And I'm gonna get myself in the frame of mind to warm up to the new job.

An open letter about energy...people's energy

Dear lady who was patronizing the delightful Uptown bistro where Moda and I had lunch this past Friday...


So it was a drizzly pizzly Friday and we had a gift card to burn through and so we headed out with dreams of Bellini's, Bloody Mary's, and pomme frittes. And while it was a quiet Friday at said bistro, there were still a few folk out to enjoy brunch as well. Lovely.

Now, you were only 5 tables away and I really don't know what kind of day you had but it felt like it was a bad one. Why do I know this? Well, for starters (and to be clear, your conversation wasn't being eavesdropped on) you...energy...was palpable. Like, I felt every angry stab of conversation you made with your friend. And I'm not gonna judge but dang...we're nibbling our fries and loud conversational punctuations peppered your speech. And lady, there were folks trying to have a relaxing Friday brunch. Not cool.

This all culminated in the part where I did eavesdrop...not because I wanted to but it was pretty audible- Complaining about the price of your coffee. Your coffee. Your...coffee.

It's a mildly pricey French Uptown Bistro. Not "Le Folgers". My advice? Switch to the coffee in the green can.

Yours respectfully...

Baby P

Work, work, work...

So in exciting news, my temp agency finally hooked me up with a gig starting on Monday. Pip. I've also applied to a gazillion other places over the last 4 weeks, so at least that means I'm waiting for rejection emails. C'mon, fellas! I'm-a waitin'!

In other news, I finally got a gig that'll run for a few performances at the BLB in October. Sweet. For a minute there I was thinking "Gee. This'll be the first year since, well, 1990 that I've gone 12 consecutive months without doing a show. Ho. Lee. Crap."

Yes sir, boy howdy though...gonna miss the little things I tell you. Like bathrobe time, which is-you know-daily. And going downstairs this morning to get a cup of coffee and wondering why the cat hasn't been conversing with me only to see him perched on the nook table staring intensely outside. I go to spy what has him so rapt and it's a frassin' squirrel cleaning itself on the patio table.

In case you're curious, my roommate has been out of town for the last week or so and I'm in charge of George. Oddly enough, the cat has been pretty good about not barfing in the middle of the night.


Also, "The Ivey Awards" were this last Monday. Good times. Moda looked great and I decided on sporting the monochrome look this year. And the chrome look. No Ivey is complete w/o packing your flask. IJS.

I stand corrected

What's worse than discovering cat vom with your bare toes at 4 am?

Cat poop at 7.


I've washed, showered, cleaned and vacuumed and still feel gross as hell.

Note to self...

I was frassed at for wanting to know what I should wear to this years Ivey awards and so I brought up all my tux's for viewing. I'll be doing the all-black outfit this year, but in figuring out stupid things like 3 button, 2 button, etc. I found the following in my one button masterpiece:

1- pair of sunglasses
3-fliers for upcoming shows (circa Fall 2008)
1-Flask my brother gave me as a wedding present


This garnered a chuckle from us when I looked at Moda and said "Does this look like it still fits...what the f#ck is in my pockets?"

Does anyone else think...

That the Cities Ninety-Seven, with a few notable exceptions, that their playlist is perpetually stuck in between the years 1994-1996?

RIP, Dalton...

Well...people with the big "C" can't always have happy endings. And I do think it's kinda sad about the Swayze-ist of Patricks recent passing. I wasn't a huge fan of "DD" to be fair. I mean, I saw it, but outside of musicals I never had the same jones for "dance" movies where the dancing is a part of the overall drama. (Like "Frassloose" back in '84. There were far better films to see that year, IMO...cough cough "Ghostbusters"? Cough cough "Temple of Doom"? Cough cough "Buckaroo Banzai"?) And I think I caught "The Outsiders" maybe once or twice on a Saturday channel 9 edited-to-hell matinee and was like "meh...the book was better".

But I so did dig on "Red Dawn". And a couple of years later when we had free HBO, I probably watched "Road House" 10 times. (I still was years away from taking karate so how was I to know he was only doing "Dance Fu"? Bonus points if you can catch the Benny "The Jet" Urquidez cameo in the car lot Bigfoot scene.) I mean...that movie was dumb, over the top, and (in later years) extremely quotable. "I thought you'd be bigger", "Pain don't hurt", and Jeff Healy's insane thespian delivery of "Word is you f#ck with him...he'll theal yer fate". (Yeah, I wrote his lisp in. Suck it)

And of course the nudity and Sam Elliot. Hello? Crap, Ro and I bogarted the "throat rip-out" when we auditioned for "KFH" a few years ago. Classic.

People were blah-blah over "Ghost" and I liked it well enough. (I took a date to see it at the Brookdale UA. Mostly I remember flicking a band-aid down her blouse and laughing when the evil "ghosts" dragged away bad-guy ghosts. That dumb sound effect. And for the record, I was 15. So apologies for said flicking. She didn't get mad, anyway. Good ol' Angie W.)

And of course x's 2- His SNL appearance. Doi. "Everybodies workin' for the weekennnnd!"

"Point Break" was more doofy adrenalin and I always thought that this movie was dumb to have "Ted" play and F-B-I agent...and wtf was a "Chili Pepper" doing in this movie? (Points again for an early Tom-I make the worst celebrity sex tape on the planet" Sizemore sighting)

Sure, he had some dogs for the following 10 years or so but that little role in "Donnie Darko" was just another awesome casting job in an equally awesome dark little indie film that blew up in a good way. Don't call it a comeback!

For me, though? It'll always be Dalton. The philosophizing cooler. Pure-D awesome.

Rest in peace, 'Miho.

Why I <3 NE Mipples...

Dear everyone-

I obtained an "I Heart NE" button from Surdyk's shortly before the NEMAA Art-A-Whirl last May. To this day, it has been mistaken for the following:

I Heart Nebraska
I Heart New England
I Heart Knee (Pretty creative, IMO)

I get it, a little. One person, one, has figured it out. We're at MOA today shopping for Ivey Award dresses and whilst waiting for try-on's at Nordstrom's Bodacious Rack this kid was staring at me. (Okay, a teenager). It got so that the staring went past MN (Ha. Get it? Another Acronym!) comfort, and after making eye-contact at his chest-staring head (I, for one, do not have a bodacious rack) I said "What's up?".

(In a foreign exchange student accent. He looked pretty-boy nordic, so hearing a German accent surprised me a bit)
"What is 'Knee'?"
(me) "Oh. North East. North East Minneapolis. I'm the uncrowned King of Northeast."
(Blank Stare. His girlfriends titter. There were three girlfriends.)
"Northeast Metropolis?"
"No. That's Superman. We're fairly territorial in our neighborhoods in Minneapolis."
"Oh" (Laughs uncomfortably)

I loiter outside the ladies dressing rooms for as long as possible until they leave then take a seat. Ever notice how, if you're male and loitering outside of a ladies dressing room you still kind of feel pervy? You could be staring at the lights the whole time until said "dressed" lady comes out for an opinion (or whatever) or laying face down on the ground. You're still left with the whole "dude loitering outside the ladies dressing rooms" stigma. It's weird. (Even in the ladies shoe area, which takes up a parking lot sized area in most department stores*, if you're a guy/boyfriend/husband the guys master the blank forward stare. You go into a coma. And no one asks questions. The nurse just comes by to read you stories)

Later, I get treated to restauranty goodness for being a sport the whole (cough-cough) 7 hour day and the server makes a comment that she likes Northeast Minneapolis too (or something) and it came as such a shock that I almost didn't sit for a second. We laughed. A lot.

I need to stop wearing that dumb button. Or I should have given to the exchange student in solidarity.

*If I wanted job security? I should sell women's shoes at Nordstroms. Al Bundy was on crack for hating his job, Humpty. They were on you like white on snow- if you were man...woman...it didn't matter. Those ladies were frickin' pro's. There were literally 3 sales reps for every one person and they did their jobs in style. Holy...I mean the slick pitch: "Well, those 'Glitz' brand might feel loose but the Praaaada will never-ever fit you poorly. It's the design you see?" (She fit it in quick and dirty during her sales pitch like a shiv between the ribs during a prison brawl. I was amazed.


She didn't buy the Prada, btw.)

Can't...keep...it in...

I wouldn't usually wish this on anyone, and sorry if it might offend (I am, as you know, an amateur b-squad observationalist) but sakes aLIVE is urn-checking-outing the dumbest thing you can do? I was apprehensive enough with family due to the sensitive nature of it but outside of a clown handing you a balloon before you go in the "showroom" there could be little more ridiculous outside of...okay, here's a list of potentials so you all are prepared. Keep in mind, you have an image of what an urn is, BUT you can also get cremains:

Made into diamonds
Put into Lava Lamps
Put into a light up night light globe
Put in Biodegradable heart-shaped bags
Placed in the low...low end model. Which is plastic and looks like an office garbage can
Placed in a, gah, it's supposed to be a suspended Jesus but my brother said "It looks like Han Solo suspended in carbonite..." He was right.
Made into a door stop or garden marker

And my favorite?

A teddy bear. A $130 teddy bear.*

We cried a lot, but I think we also laughed a lot too which is what he would have done at the silly nature of it all. And it helped a little. It was needed.


*It was in the kids section, but perched next to the "formal" urns made it a little unnerving yo. Moda and I took turns trying to unscrew the head to see if that's where the cremains were supposed to go.


**I still hate the term cremains. And if it wasn't for "Six Feet Under" I'd never had known it.

Hiya friends. I know I've been piecemeal about blogging in spite of a lot of spare time the last few weeks and I'm sorry to say that I'll probably be doing another sabbatical while I get my head on straight and spend some time with my family. I'm not getting into it in too much detail here on the cyber-web but I'd like to leave you all with a quick non-sequiter:


I spent a very, very good day yesterday with my dad.

You gotta be kidding, right?

Let's talk about tricky sloganizing, shall we? Dunkin Donuts newest: "America Runs on Dunkin'!" with little pictures for those who don't understand the message: Picture of ' Merica. Picture of a runner, ala' the Olympics. Picture of a donut.

Wow. Donuts+Running='s did someone in their advertising department say "HEY! These donut's are getting a BAD RAP! Saying they promote obesity and have little to NO nutritional value? What about JELLY filled donuts, friends?!?! THAT is a fruit if I ever SAW one. No, no, no...the time has come to help the noble pastry RISE from it's painful yoke of unhealthiness while we usher in a NEW DAY OF THE DONUT...! AND THAT MEANS RUNNING!!!"

Why not just run a smear campaign on foods that are a good source of iron and vitamins? Or are a prime source of roughage?

"SPINACH! It will MAKE you play WII FAT!!!"
"F#CK BROCCOLI! Do you WANT to have DOUBLE CHINS?!?!"
"Baked potato? HOW ABOUT COUCH POTATO!"
"KALE WILL SMOTHER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!"
"America is screwed with tomatoes" (This is where you have the picture of 'Merica. A screw...or a silhouette of someone, you know, getting screwed. And the noble lycopene laced tomato.)

Equating donuts and health. I donut know.




(Flashback) A really happy memory from when I was a kid was when my dad would take me either to Dunkin' or to Jack's Bakery over by NHCC for a donut and milk after my hockey games. He'd get a coffee and usually an apple fritter. I'd get a 1% milk and either a long john (They weight 16lbs at Jack's) or one of those powdered jobbies filled with chocolate cream and the "chocolate frosting nipple looking thing" on top. The smell is what will take you back at DD.

In high school, we would/could order a dozen to demolish amongst 2-3 of us or order a variety of 24-36 donut holes. Oof.

As an A-Dult, I learned to appreciate their coffee. DD does have some pretty strong and tasty coffee.

And as an aging frasser in a world where DD is coming back, and now apparently using a picture of a runner to pimp their D's as opposed to a middle aged man muttering "It's time to make the donuts..." I can't remember the last time I had one.

Great. Just...Great.

So on a happy note, Moda got back in town from KS last night. She told me she caught a slight bug while down there which was a touch flu-like. I was able to visit and we shared some Chinese food before heading back home for the night.

Today, I wake up feeling much the same as she described. It started when getting out of bed proved to be a challenge, and a general sense of ish kept me from doing anything but the most mundane stuff around the house. After I was finally able to drag my carcass downstairs for some water and a little bite to eat it developed into full bore nausea. I had been sitting on the couch for an hour in my running gear with a book waiting for my laundry to finish up, thoughts of hitting the gym slowly escaping my mind. Sure enough when I hit the basement to collect my clothes, I took a deep breath and whoooosh- All the water and the lunch I had came riiiiight back up. Ish.

So as I type this, I am sweating profusely with a swollen belly and a deep concern that being ill and unemployed are not a very good mix.

On a second positive note, I did score a gig from my audition last Friday. So let's hope that whatever this crap is, it won't mean fauceting sweat while filming.

Ugh.

Double, triple ow.

Well ferrets and firecrackers...I know I've promised an unemployment blaug, but I guess outside of the general mundane routine that is hermiting myself/working out/finding new work I figured it just didn't make for very good theater. (It's okay, folks. Temp staff got me a new gig in a week or so. And I found another one on MONSTER that seemed right up my alley...with the caveat being I'd need to obtain my series 6, 26, AND 63. Time to stock up on Gingko Biloba. )

So outside of my personal goal of having read (nearly) all the Harry Potter books in 10 days. (As opposed to my last, lame, unemployment goal of watching film series like "The Godfather" or "Lord of the Rings"...extended cut...) I was given an opportunity by my pal Davey to hit up the Cannon River for some tubin. (Or in my case, "tubbin". Rhymes w/"chubbin") As many of my fellow MN'an's can attest, the weather hasn't been very "July" like. Rather, it's been floating in the low 60's for the last couple of days. We were assured it would get to at least 75 degree's by Caturday, the date of our voyage, and if tubing were out then we'd go on and rent canoes. This...this all sounds pretty straightforward.

Now if anyone remembers the ill-fated trip down the old CR back in 2007, you will remember it was a bit of a castastrophe on my part. Lost my sunglasses, got ridiculously inebriate, attempted to emulate the noble dolphin while wearing my favorite cowboy hat and ruined it, not to mention bunging myself up pretty good on the rocks etc. And, in spite of wearing waterproof SPF 45 sunblock, managed to snare myself a dinger of a burn. Not fun. No way.

"Managing Restraint" was my theme this year. I figured a canoe trip would keep me safely dry and free of any river mishaps. I remembered all my Manitou/Scouting practice (That's right, friends. "J" stroke? "C" stroke? I'm all up in that.) So what if I hadn't canoed in 16/17 years. How hard could it be, right? And when you get tired/bored you either let the other person paddle or let the lazy river take you while you steer. So I bundled up, forwent sunscreen (and left the beerz at home, thanks!), and we all meandered South. Hey, the sun could still come out sometime too! What could POSSibly go awry? Well, when your friendly neighborhood B-Squad Ahab is at the paddle...much:

-My canoe was swamped, twice due to vigorous paddling away from the shore. And I'm fairly certain my canoe buddy hates me. At the very least, they switched up partners with me mid-way through.

-Cell phone, which was double wrapped in sealed ziploc baggies, was ruined...again.

-Cowboy hat now looks like a rumpled version of the "Sorting Hat" due to said capsizing.

-Somehow when the canoes were rented, we were taken to the farthest launching point upriver. About 12 miles. So after a while we were all like "I wonder what time it is?" and another canoer yells "5:30!"...(We started around 12:30-1 and expected to get back, well, sooner)

-That bit about the river carrying you? Nah-uh. It was almost still. See, in my fantasy world I had imagined something so low key it would make sleeping appear industrious. Nope. There was lots, and lots of paddling. And more. And sitting on a hard metal bench. For 6+ hours.

-I lost my favorite red flannel. That, my Diet Mt. Dew, sunglasses, and half a sammich all fell prey to the rivers murky...sometimes more than 2 foot...depths.

-Did I mention when the temperature drops as the day goes on...there is no sun to dry you...and you've already fallen in the river so you're soaked...did I mention it gets kinda cold? Oof.

- At the mid-way point I stepped out of the canoe into what can only be called lightning sand. It nearly bi-sected me at the ballz (I had expected solid ground underfoot and sunk in immediately up to my knee while stepping out of the canoe) and I actually had to do the whole two-handed "pull-my-leg-out" routine to get unstuck.

-It's funny how many scrapes and cuts you can get and not realize it due to cold water. Active. Open. Bleeding. I was like "oh hey..."

- I lost my gum somewhere. So my mouth tasted pretty narsty and I got self-conscious that my breath would knock out cattle.

-All that paddling? The "Oh I was a boy scout and it's just canoeing so I will f#ck some s#it up on this river BLAH!"!?!? That, coupled with sitting prone on that cold metal seat. Coupled with occasionally having to step out of the boat onto unsure footing. Or pulling it off shore with buddies inside. Or trying to get back in to it in waist deep water. Sheeoot. I started my new workout routine 4 weeks ago. Pretty intense, at least since I haven't worked out that hard for a few years.

Nothing. I haven't felt this sore since trying to manually stir cement to finish my side walk. Since carrying over 80 paver blocks, or shovelling two Volvo-sized piles of black dirt and wheelbarrowing it for a weekend. Folks, I type this after waking up at 6:30 am to roll over in bed only to realize that even rolling over in bed is a chore. I dropped my water bottle since I couldn't make a stupid fist to hold it. So I popped some ibuprofen and chillaxed for a bit before realizing the long, comic potential of my day.

And you know what? I had a blast. A real blast. Yee Haw. Let's tube if and when it gets warmer tho'.

KTHXBYE