26 Weeks

I'll be honest.  I've been noticeably decompressing.  I'm trying to sift around the mess of our nation the last four years and find an appropriate analogy that doesn't rocket into hyperbole or underscore what's already known.  Yeah, racism has been around.  Homophobia, Xenophobia, Islamaphobia.  It was just sort of neatly tucked away in a jumbled mess under the bed.  "All dressed up with a dirty neck", as Erma Bombeck would say.  The bed was pulled away from the wall and it was sort of kicked out like Legos and Jacks underfoot.  And instead of having a new opportunity to see these issues in the light, the intolerance and ability to celebrate and rejoice in it - no matter how small a portion of the population- was enough to spoil the entire batch.

4 years and I think I was just being hopeful and helpful.  I guess if I've grown in any respect, it's in how vocal I think I've become in person and on social media.  Again, it's not an activity I probably would have engaged in as much would my folks still be here, but 2016 was sort of that perfect storm of losing my family and the Trump administration showing up.  And we were all worried at how bad it would be.  And when it got bad (and worse) it became a struggle to not just try and open yourself to advocacy but see how those people in charge would just try and stop you from making the change.  In broad daylight.

Losing our role models along the way has been hard.  Seeing the distance between a progressive, hopeful nation with problems but struggling to help others understand sort of have the rope cut so that the powers that be could watch you at the bottom of the ravine while they held the rest of the rope at the top.  I guess it felt like we didn't just move backwards, but when we tried to grip the identity- to plant ourselves and say "YOU MOVE" all the cliches and linked arms failed to do a single thing.  Every Facebook memory of the last 4 years has contained a drop of the venom that stained our nation.  

I hated it.  I hated how hard I had to become to deal with people who were...not happy...but pleased.  Smug. Righteous?  I hated having to watch Republican lawmakers acting on their constituent's behalf sprint to make the kind of embarrassing legislation that may have made Reagan blush- all because they didn't know when their bubble of fortune was going to burst.  

As of today, after weeks of garbage litigation and bluster we're finally seeing the light in the form of Trump's half-ass go ahead to start the transition to our new leadership.  It's full of names- competent and educated names without secondary objective's meant to enrich themselves and the President.  It comes at a time when it feels like we're in the middle of the most unknown and frightening chapter in American history that doesn't revolve around a war.  

Because holy shit.  We need to get this pandemic under control.  And holy shit spending 4 years trying every form of pleading, cajoling, taking a kind an lighthearted approach to people to hopefully help them understand concepts of systemic racism is so much fucking harder when the Chief Executive makes his fan club feel super okay with it.

Here's a snap from 2016.  Back when the arguments got flipped back to "No, YOU'RE actually the racist for SAYING I'm racist and this WOULDN'T be a problem if you didn't go LOOKING for RACISM everywhere."

Yeah.  The conversations are going to be hard.  And gods know it won't be solved by the time this administration heads into another election year.

Eyes on the prize.  Fucks like the kid who killed 2 protestors are getting sprung by Mr. Silver Spoons and Mr. Pillowfuck who help crowdfund bail, while Black people are *still* incarcerated for slinging weed.  It's a problem of white supremacy that's not going anywhere, so it's best to start high and break it apart so shit doesn't keep raining down on you.  And oh look.  That's what America did.  

It'd have been nice if it didn't take the incompetent mishandling of the pandemic to get here.  It'd be nice if racist cops hadn't killed Breona Taylor.  Or George Floyd.  

A good article intercultural competence is right here. 

25 Weeks and?

 Sorry, followers.  I'm pretty fatigued and have been having some pretty intense internal conflict as to whether or not I should vacate social media permanently- wondering so much as to how much energy do I want to spend trying to export 12 years worth of pictures (or will I miss them?  So many have drunk mugging faces from me.) and how something that seemed so goddamn benign in 2008 turned into such a weird monster.

I can't attribute either of these since I'm paraphrasing them, but I read a quote that said "If you think about how quickly Facebook destroyed civilization since it's beginning just over a decade ago, it's really impressive." and the other was about how something designed with an algorithm designed to "connect you to people with the same interests".  Which made ME jump to "Oh sure.  'If you LIKE the confederate flag, then you'll LOVE!' dot dot dot."  Hell, it probably started with the "Dukes of Hazzard" fan page and figured out people who were spitting fire when the series was pulled due to glamourizing the symbol of a time in America when the Confederate States, like, wanted to own people as property.  

Which, weirdly, to me?  Seems really bad.  And the magic of social media starts assaulting you with page recommendations and next thing you know we're arguing whether vaccines are valid, organizing criminal activities against elected officials, and spending the last 4 years- whether you supported the asshole or not- swirling around soundbites screaming about how you CAN'T believe that asshole LIED again...with other people defending him.  (I'm in the former camp, btw.  And along with being able to socially interact with people while seeing their faces IRL without seeming weird, I have the hardest fucking time with coming to grips with people who- by crowing their support of him- kind of outed themselves as being tolerant of racism, homoph...you know what?  If you're a human being who gives a shit about other human beings, I'm just going to keep the faith and presume you're not.

And I guess that's where my naivety got the best of me and the damage was done.  I don't know if I'm worse off in knowing all of that, or if  being ignorant and playing along for the sake of family gatherings was living a life of even simple advocacy.  

Likelier still, Trump would never have become president without social media.  I'd die on that hill.  And that hill is going to still be around for the next few election cycles.  So do I even want to bother any more?

Maybe save the gram.  Or Twitter for an adrenaline shock of outrage.  See what other form of energy I can direct all of (gestures outward) this anxiety into.  Because it's been 25 weeks since George Floyd was murdered by members of the Minneapolis Police Department.  People are complaining about the crime.  The City Council said they'd fix everything and the police, but can barely pass a referendum to ask for more money for more cops.

And we're in Winter.  And in a pandemic.  And there are just so many things I'm saying now that *could* have been mitigated before any of them happened, and knowing why after the fact doesn't make me sleep any better.

So now what? Week 24

I've never been in the habit of gloating.  Something about the smug, self-righteous nature of it, adding insult to injury always felt super disrespectful to me.  

I'm also not alone in saying, again, that if you are a Republican or "right leaning" or whatever I honestly (at this point) don't care.  The elected individual in the Oval Office was unfit, unsuited and unqualified for the job.  At stake was a sense of decency and integrity.  While we get battered by a pandemic, calm and clear leadership *must* prevail.  The idea of political affiliation as a dogma is almost quaint.  

And still, as it was pointed out to me last Wednesday by a- wait- former high school classmate- it is *I* that is sowing division by lumping the supporters of the 45th President into a large group of *racist/xenophobic/islamaphobic phobby phobby oxen-frees*  

As it's been further pointed out, the THEY of the Republican/Right-Leaning are feeling ATTACKED and have ONLY felt like it's the LEFT who is acting awful and beligerant and well now THIS is why I NEVER Talk about POLITICS on FACEBOOK because it's like you get CANCELED and NO I DON'T do a TWITTER because THAT'S EVEN WORSE!

That's the biggest crock of horseshit I've heard in 4 years of reading daily horseshit from the Commander-In-Chief.  Since/If you're not listening, I hope you'll understand that I'm coming to you from a place of love.  In fucking fact, I don't know if it's just the fact that you're suddenly *feeling* the umbrage of Democrats and the voices of oppressed people and that's it's gotten somehow worse because, I don't know, asking nicely hasn't seemed to work all that well so there's been some shouting.

There's been some protesting.  There's been some dissent.  From day. One.

As the aforementioned high school chummy pointed out, playing Devil's Advocate (seriously.  That's SUPER fucking helpful and REALLY drives your point home) 78 million voters showed up for the guy, and am I *really* calling them all racist?

You. (Clap) fucking (clap) bet.

Here's the thing- and it's worth repeating every week so I hope you can take this to heart so I don't feel like a broken record.  Left.  Right.  Democrat.  Republican.  If you are white, you should kind of already know where this is going, if you're white then you're pretty much winning the lottery every day from a race standpoint.  And because racism- not patriotism or George Washington- slavery is the backbone of our nation and even stooped and bent it is still the pall that washes over us.  45 gave people, who tire of hearing about how bad white people are, a reason to stop having the conversation.  In fact, tried making it ok to consider a "Great America" as one that favors you in your whiteness.

Fuck, look, we benefit as a society from the oppression of people of color.  That they turn up in droves when the call to unite our country is made, and do so with grace and dignity and a love of the country is what really unites us.  You know what doesnt?   A chode for a president who fosters unease and fear because *that's how he learned what's successful*

And it isn't leadership.  It doesn't unify.  And that there are people in the nation that just don't care is heartbreaking.  That you are in love with your abuser and vote against decency and unity while crowing for it is...I mean, it's frustrating?  

But at least it won't be 4 more years of reading about a President who makes insane (Insane.  IN. FUCKING. SANE.) Proclamations via Twitter.  

Anyway,  SIDE note- I drank for the first time in many many many months on election night which was wasted since the winner wasn't announced.  I spent the next 4 days recovering (I'm old) and then partied it up after there could be no question as to our next president on Saturday night.  

You want to go on and say "Hey, can *I* say he's not MY president, then?"  Well yeah, that's your fucking right.  It makes you sound like a chode, since the reason people said it in the first place is because a Trump presidency wasn't just a step away from normalcy and decency, it was a weighted fucking dive.  And what will be in a few short years, looked back on as one of the darkest times in our nation's democracy.  Segregationists fought FOUGHT tooth and claw for their RIGHT as AMERICAN CITIZENS to keep schools separate.  We looked back in our civics classes and used those examples of changes that needed to happen.  That we stepped back into that era, when America wasn't so great, should be a cautionary tale.

78 million voters are okay with that.  Were okay with daily lies.  With racism.  So, I guess if you're married to the direction ("Right") maybe you should consider a divorce.  Being progressive is, at it's heart, about progress.  Not about giving flat earther's and anti-vaxxers a pulpit to well-actually the tits off the rest of us.

RIP George Floyd, 24 weeks on.  The world will have it's eyes on you.

Election Day Post- VOTE

 

 I'm pretty sure in these last few hours before the polls open I'm not going to change anyone's mind.  I want you all to vote- democrat, republican.  I mean it.  I LOVE voting  I LOVE the process, and while this whole election season has been stressful I LOVE how excited and involved democrats get about voting.   And none of this will matter after tomorrow night, anyway.  I might even have celebratory drink.  Lord knows, I'll need one either way.

 

 As it stands, I get a whopping 6 views from people who either forgot to subscribe, click the link on social media, or are (bless their kindness) genuinely okay with reading the grammatical nonsense a guy who throws words down without much time to proof read much less condense into a palatable and relatable article.  It's not my journal, y'all, but I have *things* that needs said.

And since a lead in photo increases my viewership by 2-5 peeps, and because it had to do with a LONG rant I had previously written for today comparing sports fans to party line voters that I chucked- I kept the picture of Case Keenum.* during his one-good-year here from an old stock photo.  If my lead in picture has to do with my family or (specifically) my daughter?  I'll get 20-25 people reading.  So let me thread carefully this since I have everyone here:

I have had one solid saving grace in my life that has been both a constant to me.  One that I cherish and would protect until I was unable to crawl and that is my family.  In 4 years, I have been married to my rock, and we have traveled and grew together with our experiences- and planned and fought and scraped and journaled and fooled around, and lost a baby, before bringing into the world our Izzy.  We've managed to fulfill ourselves theatrically here and there.  We've watched Rachel's family and even some of my own family grow and to me- these are the most precious and dear things in the last 4 years.

 That's where it stops.  Full stop.  End.  Doneski.  

Since 2016, my mom passed away.  I cut loose family that had proven untrustworthy and unapologetic in their graft which meant the loss of my being able to spend time with my niece and nephew.  Then through voter apathy, controlled fraud/racism/voter manipulation, and foreign influence we were presented with a toxic drunk driver to helm the ship.  Then I lost my beloved job of 5 years due (after being told- by said family- I spent my life with my hand out) to a massive restructure and was adrift while experiencing the aforementioned miscarriage.  Filtering through family records I made some discoveries about mom and dad that affected the lens with which i viewed them. From listening to friends experiences I discovered my own culpability regarding privilege and benefiting my entire life from systemic racism.  I stopped spending time with my best friend who grew bitter and toxic and was beyond kindness and reason.  Karate, a part of my soul and zen- closed it's doors.  I went to counseling, I had open and honest communications with my wife, I found my drinking and eating was stress-triggered, my blood pressure and cholesterol were dangerously high, I started feeling isolated and removed from pretty much everyone.  I reach out.  I'd talk.  And then? There'd be gaps of silence.  

Through my wife's pregnancy I was able to find new people and new work, before taking a brave leap and finding a newer job which- to be really real- wasn't what I was expecting and was incredibly challenging and defeating every.  Single.  Day.  I love my family.  We persevere.  We keep saying we are okay and we calm ourselves with gratitude.  We talk.  We press and head toward a new year.   More stress.  The baby is dangerously sick.  My wife and I both get dangerously sick.  As I struggle to walk up and down the stairs, I'm reminded that we are also talking about moving.  I worry.  I stress.  Money becomes more of an issue.  "If my family hadn't screwed us over..."/"We can't keep going back to that".  

Suddenly we're in a pandemic.  A slow creeping panic as we wonder if we're going to have jobs.  If we'll need to quit to take care of our kid full time.  My wife is navigating benefits and a workplace from home that is simultaneously addressing the needs of the staff in the time of COVID.  My job begins the cycle of "are you being productive at home?" which increases the need to PRODUCE and places new strict and stressful overbearing measures as I work at my dining room table- the top of which I haven't seen since last Winter.  

George Floyd is murdered by police 23 weeks ago at the start of Summer which casts a pall over the entire city.  Crime, *violent* crime increases in patches.  I feel most of my days are convincing people that there are legitimate and nuanced reasons for the increases and ("No, we're not moving out to the suburbs"/"Well I think you should.  It's really bad, Mike"/"Says who?"/"Says me"/"The only people who think the Twin Cities are no longer a vibrant and beautiful place to live are from Albertville and or are racist")  

There's still a pall. There's still death from pandemic flu.  I still haven't hugged anyone outside of my bubble in 8 months.  I have my wife, and her family, and this is our continued source of gratitude.  We could be alone.  Our kid could be 7 and missing their friends.

There were still pictures on social media of party after Halloween party.  Inside.  Bourbon street in New Orlean's was packed with revelers.  

And 4 years after the last election, there seems to be a person who's still on the ballot who- while not the cause of my unemployment (directly, but it's the 2nd sitting Republican president who's lorded over the nation while unemployment rates are skyrocketing) or personal medical travails (directly, but after four years of dealing with people who seem to think a lack of character, morals, integrity, and values much less a toddler's grasp of piloting the space shuttle when it comes to understanding their job.  Especially when part of your job is understanding how the country works and, well, you have people as resources who can answer questions you don't know pretty quickly)

He won in 2016.  He road the crest of Obama era job restructuring and maintained it without plunging us downward immediately.  While that was happening, he fostered a nation that shook free the cover from prejudice and racism which gave his followers *permission* to be racism.  *Permisssion* to hate and heckle.  What started in 2008 with Obama's election after 8 terrifying years beholden to a crumbling national infrastructure and economy brought on by a Republican backed Congress and terrorist act was beginning to finally place our country on firm footing.  

He ruined it.  He's ruined our country.  He's taken every opportunity to wake ME up with new lies every single day.  Every day.  And I'm so fucking tired of it.  When it comes to acknowledging racism, systemic or otherwise- to acknowledging a world that has mistreated and victimized BIMPOC citizens, women, Trans-individuals, people suffering mental illness...I have ENERGY to ADVOCATE for them.   I have STRENGTH to fight fascists and racists with my bare hands.  I have EYES to roll at people that hunker in their forest bunker because THAT is where they will STAY like that Japanese soldier on the island who didn't know WW2 was over.  

What I can't do is any of it when what was "good enough" for Republicans at their lowest and most contemptible allowed for them to sink lower and accept Donald Trump in a position of power.  It has taken away my ability to consider reasoning or reaching across an aisle.  It has robbed me of my grace and sympathy for their lack of growth and ability to flex with the changing times.  I cannot listen to my own family use racist language, share Infowars or Blaze videos or Fox News as gospel.  The din of Twitter is not something I can hide from as it provides me with the knowledge that These are Those In the World Who Have Forfeited Sense.

And these people will be running the world I am desperately trying to raise my kind to be a kind a decent person who will love her father. 

Here's the starting point.   Please vote:

 

 

 

 

 

(*It was, if I'm being honest, REALLY funny.  I think present day Viking fans with their perpetual annual loyalty is admirable.  Until MF'ers started going from their armchair knowledge to straight up toxic shittiness.  I was talking to friends about the waste of investment Kirk Cousins was, and how Keenum had a pretty good season here and made a point to say he enjoyed Minnesota and hoped he could grow with the team before BOOM the check book is out and we have a new expensive fucking quarterback who is useless as an asshole on my elbow.

I was "Well-Actually'd" by these bruhs telling me "Well and just HOW is Keenum doing NOW? " like they magically 8-Balled motherfuckers career trajectory after being honked from the Vikes after a successful season and STILL doesn't rationalize an overpriced useless QB when we STILL perpetually lose in our GORGEOUS NEW stadium and the fans STILL get rabid and are finally- after 50 years- maybe kind of seeing the cracks in their stupid fuck armchair arguments since the door slam is NO SUPERBOWLS EVER FOR THE VIKINGS...That and I mentioned we probably could have gotten Kaepernick for a STEAL if the Vikes would have been brave enough to take a risk at an in-prime solid QB with good leadership skills but NO he's got BAGGAGE and this is why they fucking fail.

My funny was that the Vikes leadership is fucking Borat, right?  And the conversation is "Ok.  How we make the Vikqueens wing this super bowel?"/"Well, we need 4 big guys who can stand there and keep other guys from tackling the quarterback.  It seems we never give the quarterback enough time to do anything.  Ever." /"Ok.  Maybe we spend MORE money on quarterback and get new uniforms? HIGH FIVE!"

Was my joke.  Which isn't a joke.  Move'em to Texas already.)