On Tuesday, April Fools Day naturally, I left my girlfriend's apartment early in the morning after what (the news report) stated was going to be another unnaturally cold evening during a Winter (now Spring) that has seemingly decide to flip us both middle fingers- one finger of snow and one finger of soul-numbing cold. As opposed to last year which was just ONE middle finger of lingering snow-into-May. (Source. We're "officially" in the record books, but not for a cool record like hugest wangs per-capita or having the best facial hair.)
As a hearty Minnesotan, I'm accustomed to having to bust out the old ice-scraper to provide me some visibility*. Going to bed that evening, I was greeted with thunderstorms and lightening. I breathed in the fresh air that had that damp, rotting vegetation smell heralding "true" Spring. What greeted me, was a car encased in an ever-lasting Gobstopper of gelled ice.
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| Pictured: Not Jack Burton. My hands were too cold to operate a camera and let's face it, anyone who parked outside Monday into Tuesday woke up to this... |
I should point out that today's blog was going to be another list-y of reasons why Winter really, really sucks this year but I figure that after 9 years of lackadaisical writing I've probably covered it all before. However what was wonderful about this ice, was that it was impenetrable.
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| The "Fargo" ice scraper freak-out is a dance we ALL know. |
I had already busted my "good" ice scraper- a nice lil' jobby with telescoping handle, flex brush, padded grips...yeah, that f#cker snapped in two back in December prompting me to acquire a "B" squad scraper. And I stood there...on April 1st...Spring...with my car running to warm it up because I spent several minutes and I was unable to actually get any purchase. The scraper bent slightly, my wrists started straining, I actually "whacked" at it with the corner of the scraper just to try and make an area the chisel could actually get into so that I could...you know? Scrape? And it didn't budge. And I'm kind of strong-ish. And I had a very, very real image in my mind that I'd be putting my entire body weight into it-before my windshield caves in- and there I go ass-over-teakettle in a pile of shattered glass over my steering wheel and in the front seat.
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| That's about right... |
I'm saying this, for lack of anything better to mention, that we're bracing ourselves for another 6-10"s of snow this weekend.
Six to ten gawdamn inches. I've reached my limit. Mentally and emotionally. (Along with everybody else, right? Way to be original, Mikey.) I suppose I should be grateful that we've had a few days to thaw back and finally be outside in the sunshine. But truthfully, everything about the last...12 months? Meteorologically speaking? Strikes me as a really sick fucking prank. Long snowy winter, truncated Spring, truncated Summer, ghastly hot (but short) Autumn, steamrolling into another bastard of a Winter? With record-setting cold and snow? Then we get a few days above 30-40 degrees (STILL "unseasonably cold") before YOINK...bye comfort...here's your snowy prison rape to welcome you to the weekend.
I'm going back to hard liquor. If you need me, I'll be huddled in my TV room with a frozen pizza and bottle of Captain Morgan private stock. You do me a solid and wake me after the freeze is over and I'll come out of hibernation like Captain America or some shit.
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| In theater's this weekend, and yes I'll be in nerd-raiment. |
*People are still doing the one-swipe across the windshield before driving in this shit. So imagine, if you will, not only hating the weather but other drivers wandering lanes...speeding...nearly hitting you on icy roads...who can barely see.
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