Greetings from the Future, Birthday Boy!!!

Hello, past self!

This is your future-self who wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday, From the Future!  See?  You know I'm legit because you're still around (don't jinx it there, Sarah Conner.) and that I'm wishing these birthday greetings before the well-wishes come in on Social Media!  (Another prediction- you'll get more than your immediate family but less than the entirety of  your posted number of friends.  That's just how it goes sometimes.)

Just to clear things up: I'm only from the not-too-far future and not the "far-far" because that guy is a total asshole.

Seriously.  His predictions come with a handshake that he pulls back at the last minute saying "PSYCCCCCHE!!!"

Naw, dude.  I'm here to skip over the birthday frass and end-of-year listing and resolutioning to give you some good, practical advice for 2014.  Which, in case you missed it is the last year of your 30's.  (Kidding.  KIDDING!  I'm YOU!  I know it's been wiggling around your brain and periphery the last month or so.  Drop it.)  I also know you'd have preferred I visit your 16-year-old self or even 1996 Mikey to drop some wisdom but there was a problem with the calibration and the rectification of the Voldranii and the last of the mecketric supplicants.  Well, it's just too technical for you.  (Sorry, SORRY!  I know you had snark, sarcasm, and condescendsion but...hey man.  Taste of your own medicine, amirite?  High five.)

Anyway.. take all of this with a grain of salt, brother.  The future is really Not Set, so I'd just as soon you take what I've learned over the next 12 months and at least maybe try to apply some of them.  If you could also continue to take care of yourself...your whole self...this future guy and maybe Future Crankpants I mentioned might not have to come back and visit with you again next year.  Seriously.  Who would've known you/me/we turn into a total 8th grade math teacher?

Ebbbbbbbeneeeeeezer Scrooo---cough cough cough---sorry.  Kiiiiiidding....Here's your birthday list, old man.  Trust me:

-You're fine.  Seriously.  People make fun of you for saying it, but it's as good a mantra as any to pick yourself up and continue forward.

-Really, really try to stop overthinking.

-If you think you're probably trying too hard/being excessive?  You are.  Definitely are.

-Try and listen more.  I shouldn't have to go back in time to give you advice- there's some good stuff to be learned just by listening, really listening.  You were better at this in 1991, actually.  I think it was because you were in a learning environment versus a production/job environment.

-You were given a remarkable mulligan and some pretty amazing opportunities in 2013.  You can bask in those and use the energy to propel you into the next thing.  My point is, don't always feel like you need to "take time to decompress" or whatever the shit it is you do.  Or wait for that other shoe to drop.

-You'll still swear a lot, just keep it down in front of the kids and important people.  And polite company.  And, your mom.   And...fuck...This is hard.  Just, uh, don't swear.  You won't succeed, but at least you'll be thinking of this...fatfuckface.

-Stop. Dragging. Your. Feet.  On everything.  You know.  I wish I could tell you the secret, since you're so damn stubborn when it comes to other people telling you what to do.  You'll need to figure that one way to kick yourself in the ass on things.  "Far-Far" Future Mikey (He prefers being called "Captain Six-Pack McLongdong" in the future.  In fact, hey...while I'm advice-ing you?  Can you not do that some day?) has comprised a list of your future regrets and also the secret to motivating yourself...then he pulled his hand away and said "PSYYYYYYCHEEE...Beeeeeeeee----itch!"

-Continue trusting your gut and be comfortable/okay with saying "No".  Conversely? Don't be afraid to jump ship to a new/better opportunity.  (Lest you take root and turn into a tree.  Like "Groot".)

-Be patient.  And by "patient", I mean stop with the dramatic reactions when things don't immediately go your way.  People will appreciate your "cool".  Or at least, not categorize you as a Spaz.

-Spend more time with your family.  Your niece and nephew are at the perfect age for...things.  You'll just have to enjoy discovering what those things are with them.  (Art-Fay Ongs-Say...)

-You have a lot of friends having babies.  And you just aren't funny any more by saying you're terrible around babies and better around bottles.  (Snerk.  Good one, past-Mikey)  Let's chuck that sentiment and give the baby-makers their due.  Okay?  They worked harder than you did to make that new carbon-based form of life, aware of the sacrifices, dealing with sickness/shots/fears/insecurities on a 24 hour/7 day basis.  They deserve a bit more respect and loving encouragement.  All you've had to worry about was weather you'd get Chinese take-out or Chipotle for lunch.

-Make yourself more available to other people.  Build karma points.  This includes helping friends move, babysitting, and getting your ass out and volunteering.  Anonymous donations are fantastic.  It's another feeling entirely to make your entire person available.

-Take better care of yourself...in your headspace.  Stop thinking about scenarios, conversations, outcomes that haven't even happened.  I'd like to be surprised by things once in a while, and being more "in the moment" is good for life and acting.

-One of the regrets"Far-Far" future You-chebag apprised me of, was how you didn't practice writing more- and how many of your "resolution" lists have "write more" on them.  Maybe try dropping more on a daily basis, regardless of the quality of content.  In FACT, forcing yourself to write LESS might make you write a little BETTER.  (Oooooo...yeah, sorry.  That was from a Facebook newsfeed post from one of your writer friends from SOME such college journal.  I won't tell you who it is, because you currently think they're a good writer but a little chuffy...and so far you get kind of bored by their self-congratulatory tone of their updates.  Which, I might add, are entirely in your head.)

-Really try to get your feet in the surf.  The ocean surf.  You might not make it, but try.

-Don't watch that movie.  Or that one.  In fact...yeah. 

-Speaking of learning and listening and the last time you were a great listener/learner being when you were in classroom environments...you know what to do.

-Get a new car.  New to you.  You'll be grateful for the peace of mind.

-Stay open...to anything.

-Stay closed...to some things.  (Don't visit comments sections in 2014.  That's all I'm gonna say.)

-That one joke?  And the other?  Aren't that funny when you're closer to 40 versus 1996 Mikey who had better game.  It makes you sound old, pervy, and the same kind of cat you made fun of when you were younger.

-Stay committed.  Karate, bettering the world, being a good employee, partner, son, brother, uncle.  Keep at it.



Okay.  Lists are still good things in the future and they keep you on task.  Some final thoughts:

Don't go back for seconds or accept it when the bowl is passed around for a 2nd helping.  Same goes for booze.

They'll all like/appreciate what you got them.  Even if you only give everyone 1 little thing.  Don't worry about it.

Just keep living.  "Far-Far" Future Mikey says our spirit animal "The McConnaughey" is revered for his hippy-dippy wisdom. 

Okay.  Gotta go.  Maybe next time I'll come back early with the winning Lotto or something.  (Did I miss the Mega-Millions drawing by a week?  Mannnnn...I'm sorry.  I'll get you next time, yeah?)

Hasta La Bye-Bye, homeskillet!

FYI- In 2014?  Still no jetpacks or hoverboards.  And since you bitch about MN drivers in any weather condition, do you honestly think that flying cars are a good idea?  You don't need the stress, Me.