Greetings from the Future, Birthday Boy!!!

Hello, past self!

This is your future-self who wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday, From the Future!  See?  You know I'm legit because you're still around (don't jinx it there, Sarah Conner.) and that I'm wishing these birthday greetings before the well-wishes come in on Social Media!  (Another prediction- you'll get more than your immediate family but less than the entirety of  your posted number of friends.  That's just how it goes sometimes.)

Just to clear things up: I'm only from the not-too-far future and not the "far-far" because that guy is a total asshole.

Seriously.  His predictions come with a handshake that he pulls back at the last minute saying "PSYCCCCCHE!!!"

Naw, dude.  I'm here to skip over the birthday frass and end-of-year listing and resolutioning to give you some good, practical advice for 2014.  Which, in case you missed it is the last year of your 30's.  (Kidding.  KIDDING!  I'm YOU!  I know it's been wiggling around your brain and periphery the last month or so.  Drop it.)  I also know you'd have preferred I visit your 16-year-old self or even 1996 Mikey to drop some wisdom but there was a problem with the calibration and the rectification of the Voldranii and the last of the mecketric supplicants.  Well, it's just too technical for you.  (Sorry, SORRY!  I know you had snark, sarcasm, and condescendsion but...hey man.  Taste of your own medicine, amirite?  High five.)

Anyway.. take all of this with a grain of salt, brother.  The future is really Not Set, so I'd just as soon you take what I've learned over the next 12 months and at least maybe try to apply some of them.  If you could also continue to take care of yourself...your whole self...this future guy and maybe Future Crankpants I mentioned might not have to come back and visit with you again next year.  Seriously.  Who would've known you/me/we turn into a total 8th grade math teacher?

Ebbbbbbbeneeeeeezer Scrooo---cough cough cough---sorry.  Kiiiiiidding....Here's your birthday list, old man.  Trust me:

-You're fine.  Seriously.  People make fun of you for saying it, but it's as good a mantra as any to pick yourself up and continue forward.

-Really, really try to stop overthinking.

-If you think you're probably trying too hard/being excessive?  You are.  Definitely are.

-Try and listen more.  I shouldn't have to go back in time to give you advice- there's some good stuff to be learned just by listening, really listening.  You were better at this in 1991, actually.  I think it was because you were in a learning environment versus a production/job environment.

-You were given a remarkable mulligan and some pretty amazing opportunities in 2013.  You can bask in those and use the energy to propel you into the next thing.  My point is, don't always feel like you need to "take time to decompress" or whatever the shit it is you do.  Or wait for that other shoe to drop.

-You'll still swear a lot, just keep it down in front of the kids and important people.  And polite company.  And, your mom.   And...fuck...This is hard.  Just, uh, don't swear.  You won't succeed, but at least you'll be thinking of this...fatfuckface.

-Stop. Dragging. Your. Feet.  On everything.  You know.  I wish I could tell you the secret, since you're so damn stubborn when it comes to other people telling you what to do.  You'll need to figure that one way to kick yourself in the ass on things.  "Far-Far" Future Mikey (He prefers being called "Captain Six-Pack McLongdong" in the future.  In fact, hey...while I'm advice-ing you?  Can you not do that some day?) has comprised a list of your future regrets and also the secret to motivating yourself...then he pulled his hand away and said "PSYYYYYYCHEEE...Beeeeeeeee----itch!"

-Continue trusting your gut and be comfortable/okay with saying "No".  Conversely? Don't be afraid to jump ship to a new/better opportunity.  (Lest you take root and turn into a tree.  Like "Groot".)

-Be patient.  And by "patient", I mean stop with the dramatic reactions when things don't immediately go your way.  People will appreciate your "cool".  Or at least, not categorize you as a Spaz.

-Spend more time with your family.  Your niece and nephew are at the perfect age for...things.  You'll just have to enjoy discovering what those things are with them.  (Art-Fay Ongs-Say...)

-You have a lot of friends having babies.  And you just aren't funny any more by saying you're terrible around babies and better around bottles.  (Snerk.  Good one, past-Mikey)  Let's chuck that sentiment and give the baby-makers their due.  Okay?  They worked harder than you did to make that new carbon-based form of life, aware of the sacrifices, dealing with sickness/shots/fears/insecurities on a 24 hour/7 day basis.  They deserve a bit more respect and loving encouragement.  All you've had to worry about was weather you'd get Chinese take-out or Chipotle for lunch.

-Make yourself more available to other people.  Build karma points.  This includes helping friends move, babysitting, and getting your ass out and volunteering.  Anonymous donations are fantastic.  It's another feeling entirely to make your entire person available.

-Take better care of yourself...in your headspace.  Stop thinking about scenarios, conversations, outcomes that haven't even happened.  I'd like to be surprised by things once in a while, and being more "in the moment" is good for life and acting.

-One of the regrets"Far-Far" future You-chebag apprised me of, was how you didn't practice writing more- and how many of your "resolution" lists have "write more" on them.  Maybe try dropping more on a daily basis, regardless of the quality of content.  In FACT, forcing yourself to write LESS might make you write a little BETTER.  (Oooooo...yeah, sorry.  That was from a Facebook newsfeed post from one of your writer friends from SOME such college journal.  I won't tell you who it is, because you currently think they're a good writer but a little chuffy...and so far you get kind of bored by their self-congratulatory tone of their updates.  Which, I might add, are entirely in your head.)

-Really try to get your feet in the surf.  The ocean surf.  You might not make it, but try.

-Don't watch that movie.  Or that one.  In fact...yeah. 

-Speaking of learning and listening and the last time you were a great listener/learner being when you were in classroom environments...you know what to do.

-Get a new car.  New to you.  You'll be grateful for the peace of mind.

-Stay open...to anything.

-Stay closed...to some things.  (Don't visit comments sections in 2014.  That's all I'm gonna say.)

-That one joke?  And the other?  Aren't that funny when you're closer to 40 versus 1996 Mikey who had better game.  It makes you sound old, pervy, and the same kind of cat you made fun of when you were younger.

-Stay committed.  Karate, bettering the world, being a good employee, partner, son, brother, uncle.  Keep at it.



Okay.  Lists are still good things in the future and they keep you on task.  Some final thoughts:

Don't go back for seconds or accept it when the bowl is passed around for a 2nd helping.  Same goes for booze.

They'll all like/appreciate what you got them.  Even if you only give everyone 1 little thing.  Don't worry about it.

Just keep living.  "Far-Far" Future Mikey says our spirit animal "The McConnaughey" is revered for his hippy-dippy wisdom. 

Okay.  Gotta go.  Maybe next time I'll come back early with the winning Lotto or something.  (Did I miss the Mega-Millions drawing by a week?  Mannnnn...I'm sorry.  I'll get you next time, yeah?)

Hasta La Bye-Bye, homeskillet!

FYI- In 2014?  Still no jetpacks or hoverboards.  And since you bitch about MN drivers in any weather condition, do you honestly think that flying cars are a good idea?  You don't need the stress, Me.

4 reasons Winter really, truly, is awful

"Well...that's an hour I won't get back".  (Co-worker of mine regarding being stuck in traffic on the way in to work.)

As of my typing of this, we're still technically several days away from metereological "Winter".  Here in the Midwest, as Summertime loosens it's sweaty grip and the leaves begin to change,  a very small section of us start hailing the coming of Winter as a wonderful time.  They are the one's who have snowmobile calendars and quirky little "Ice Fishing" prayers pinned up to their cubes at work or collection of lift-tickets at littering the zipper rung of their Columbia Jacket's, I would never begrudge the casual hobbyist their seasonal joy...except when that season drags on like sharpened frozen obsidian.  These people are wrong. 

"Autumn", the truly beautiful season where you won't get swassy coming too and from your car...where you can wear jeans and sweatshirts and feel comfortable...where the landscape takes on the most wonderful hues outside of a school of clownfish lasts all of 15 minutes before it gets brutally cold.  And this year we are experiencing an early deep-freeze that George RR Martin couldn't dream up.  With my recently reading a great tumblr from a friend (from the South, no less.  Which you can/should check out here.) effusively praising winter, and experiencing my roommate's positively gleeful reaction to the cold(Except, he's qualified, for sub-zero temps), I think I've read my last Twit/Status update on how lovely this time of year is...And I'm about to straighten things out for y'all. 

No.  Really.  We're a hearty breed.  And we can also bitch mightily:

Transportation

This is a given, and topical seeing's how my S.O. just got into a fender bender.  (She's fine.  Fortunately she avoided other cars and physical injury and managed to slide into a concrete post outside of a Dairy Queen.  Because irony is sliding on ice in front of a DQ.)  Of course traffic sucks, and inclement weather always slows things down to a crawl.  Naturally, snow and subsequent icy conditions cause traffic to slow to a shuffling shamble seen only on "The Walking Dead".  It is necessary.  It is awful.  The first weekend we had slushy accumulation was immediately followed by a sub-zero freeze.  MNDOT is able to pre-treat the roads with chemicals to assist the plows with clearing the roads.  The rest of it is the benign hope we'll have some sun to melt away the rest and clear days to dry out.  Which doesn't happen.

What happens is you either get (A) uneven road conditions that cause hell with your alignment and driving as frozen nubbins pepper the roads and make it feel like you're driving up the base of Devil's Tower.  (Frozen, FYI, doesn't mean you get traction.  You'll still slide.) and (B) Patches of black or glare ice.  For some reason, you can be going below 3 mph...a crawl...and if you apply your brakes- thinking erroneously you're slow enough to stop- you'll still slide.  Sometimes picking up momentum as you go along.  I was commuting to work a few years ago, giving a wide berth so there was room.  It was snowy and icy, and you can gauge how awful it is when you first pull out.  I was in traffic going verrrrry slowly, and still managed to slide forward 50 feet into a truck in front of me.  And there was nothing. I. Could. Do.  

Upsides?  None.  You still contend with occasionally getting stuck in one spot with spinning wheels or if you're parked on a street when a plow comes through and pushes a snow berm up to your windshield.  Or the fact that to get your brush out of your car when it's snowed, you'll still get a "Bloop" of snow that falls on your seat.  Or that you can SEE when people have brushed off that small area in front of the driver side and rely on wind speed to blow off the rest of the snow.  (Which, ICYC, doesn't happen and is illegal as hell.)  Or the gas wasted on super cold nights starting your car to make and letting it run for a bit to ensure it starts in the morning. (And resentment when you see pristine cars that obviously were parked in a garage overnight.)  And lastly, people who drive SUV's, Trucks, etc who think they can still barrel forward on the freeway's because they have 4WD.  Which only means they can get out of a snowbank, and will still plow into you.  Because they're dumb as s#it.

It's unpredictable

It's weather.  See the aforementioned comments about MNDOT plows being unable to clear the roads fast enough if we're unlucky and get a dumping.  Meteorologists confess there's nothing to be done when they project an "arctic blast coming in from the North" or "expect a few inches overnight".  They LOVE to create douche-y catch phrases like "Snowpocolypse" or "Snowmaggedon" when we get a dumping. 

The Farmer's Almanac (and that f#ck head Groundhog Phil) usually act as our long-range forecasters in terms of whether winter will be a long affair or mild.  But as I mentioned before, our cold "snap" started in early November.  And it feels awful because last winter (2012-2013) didn't release us until Mid-May.   My point is, any state or area that thinks a snowfall in June is something to brag about, needs to check their priorities and "mush" their ass up to the Yukon.

(***Note:  That unpredictability can also result in unseasonably warm winters as well.  I'll cite '98/'99 when it was in the 70's heading into December and running outside in shorts and a tank top, as well as 2011 to 2012 in which I went on a date in February while wearing a light jacket and strolling through St. Paul.)

Cessation of any (safe) Outdoor Activity

Minnesota, the Twin Cities in particular, is frequently touted as being one of the best "outdoorsy" states- flaunting our trail systems, city lakes and parks, bike-a-bility.  They further try to make a case that we're a winter wonderland of activities- snow shoeing, cross-country and downhill skiing, ice skating...and I'm here to tell you- f#ck no.

First of all, even walking outside in the winter time is problem.  In the city, homeowners are responsible for shovelling their sidewalk in front of their home.  And guess what?  Not every body does it!  That's right!  I'm a runner, and there are frequently mounds of snow in front of homes that get packed down and tromped through by pedestrians when the owner's either give ZERO f#cks or assume Spring time'll take care of it eventually.

Crossing the street?  See the aforementioned comments about cars that lack control at intersections.  Not to mention the icy patches that create uncontrollable trip hazards where you will be going from standing to horizontal before you realize what's happened.  This means twisted knees and ankles, and if you're really unlucky a concussion. 

But what about the fun stuff?  Ice skating is fun, right?  Mmmmm...not really.  Snowmobile accidents average 200 deaths a year and 14,000 injuries.  Cross-country skiing and snowshoeing are exercises in knee and ankle injuries, and sledding/tubing incidents have caused most hills to implement waivers due to people slamming into unexpecting participants.  Ice fishing!  THAT'S fun!  YEAH?!?

Sure.  But even that is a misleading activity, as the actual amount of fishing/catching fish you do is not at all analagous to the amount of drinking, eating, sitting around in a heated shack listening to the radio/watching a portable TV before needing to go outside to pee yourself a frozen kickstand.

Oh...and it's cold.  Like, it gets ridiculously cold.  You don't get to do anything to stand around and "enjoy" the cold.  No.  It's dangerous, can result in any exposed skin becoming frostbitten in minutes, and even fun events to draw crowds are mostly an attempt to get you to enjoy the stupidly dangerous or nonsensically boastworthy.

The mind-numbing Sisyphesian Repetitive Nature of Winter, aka "Prison Bulls#it"

If you've seen "Cool Hand Luke", you'll remember the scene where the warden makes Luke dig a ditch, only to re-fill it and re-dig it.  It was intended to break his spirit...and through movie magic you know it doesn't.  (SPOILER Alert- he has a kick ass monologue directed at God before getting his ass shot by the search party after he escapes again.)

In 2010, we had one of those aforementioned sexily titled snowstorms (Snowmaggedon)that dumped 20+ inches down over 24 hours and promptly turned the state of MN into Hoth.  (The last record setting accumulation was a freak storm on Halloween in 1991...see previous bullet regarding unpredictability.)  That day, I shoveled a grand total of 5 x's  which included: The front walk, the sidewalk in front as well as my elderly neighbors, the long back walk (I have a larger lot for the city.), the driveway in order to get the garbage bins out, the walk out roof so that the snow didn't cave it in, the snow berms pushed up by the plows (requiring me to excise the cars from all the snow wedging it's way under wheel wells and making sure the tires had some traction.)  The entire time I kept thinking of old Lukey and I cursed the snow...which didn't help my separated shoulder and pinched nerve in my back.

Now, there are some people who have garages...and snowblowers...but folks, this was even overwhelming the plow trucks- which couldn't clear the freeways fast enough.  The were telling people to STAY HOME and STAY INSIDE.  Cars were getting stranded then plowed in and SNOW PLOWS were spinning out of control.  "Snowmaggedon" wasn't an inappropriate moniker.  And the only positive thing was that it happened over the weekend.  Think about the Halloween storm when the snow plows aren't even gassed up and out of their storage.

I inherited a Carhart snowsuit system after my dad passed.  It (and he) is/was a 50 Tall.  When I wear it, I feel like a Russian Nesting Doll.  I only break it out when we get into double-digits below Zero.  That snowmaggedon, I was forced to walk to the liquor store for some wine in the middle of the streets because it was thigh-deep everywhere else, only trudging out of the way if a truck was coming through.  Because I couldn't drive.  In fact, if I wear it in my car I can barely stretch the seatbelt over my lap. In 1996, I was forced to get up every 3 hours because we had record-setting cold and if I didn't start my engine on my used Crown Vicky, she wouldn't start at all.  (And she didn't, naturally)

Before you chalk this Negative Nelly-ism to all gloom and doom, please understand- I love the "Holidays".  The winter wonderland.  I love a White Christmas/Birthday.  It's pristine and pretty and washed in nostalgia and cheer.  I just have a cut-off point.  And that cut-off point lands exactly on February 18th.  At that point I am over and done with Winter.  Like, now.*  And as I mentioned previously, with last winter and this winter happening so close that they could almost hold hands (and effectively robbing me of a Summer.**)  I reached "Sick of this s#it" levels approximately 2.5 months early.

*And moving isn't an option.  Right now, the warmest part of the nation is Florida.  And I'm not going to jump from a shark tank into the lion cage for a neverending Summer.  I won't. Touch. America's. Wang.  They crazy.
**The sad thing is that if we don't get a good heavy dumping of precipitation we wind up hearing about it throughout the Spring and Summer...
 

Return of the Meme*

(*Which is funnier if you imagine it sang to the tune of Mark Morrison's "Return of the Mack")

The "honesty" aka "X# of things you might not know about me" meme's have been making the rounds on ye old F'book I actually enjoy seeing these again on the vasty regions of social media.  It brings me back a few years when my friends and I would shoot links and meme's to one and other via email to keep us from losing our minds at our day jobs.

On a similar vein, it makes me winsome for Callboard (RIP).  Callboard evolved from that banter, and with social media being what it is you could feel the death knell in the form of reduced traffic, reduced posting (it was me, and about 4 other people), and the fact that the mod's were getting tired of paying the domain fee.  Good memories there, and honestly I'm going to miss the "Anonymous" and "Honest Facebook" tabs where I could kvetch and b#tch about people in my life (and on Facebook.  Let's just be clear, I know that my line of bulls#it isn't for the great online world.  The Honest FB tab let me get it out about them in relative anonymity and with some impunity.)

Anyway, It's been kind of fun to read'em -better than the political rants, click-bait, and usual noise.  That said, I got my # (3) and posted my responses which I thought fell under the realm of "nobody really knows this about me" which included eating burnt match tips as a kid, my annual "bearding", and about my budding hockey career derailment as a result of the "kissing disease".   As a self-proclaimed open-book, I just don't think I have too many secrets burning a hole in my conscience, much less any "new facts" about me that'd surprise the masses.  On top of that?  I'd write a novel.  Greater than 160 characters.  Ain't nobody got time for that.  And then?  I figure I can do it here.

So here's some snippets that you might not know about me, unless you're a former s.o. or a family member.  There are a few embarrassing things, but nothing so painful that it'll cause a rift anywhere.  I'm still going to attempt to keep it frothy.  Enjoy.  And hopefully you don't know this crap or won't level it against me someday.

Things you may not have previously known about the author:  (If you desperately want any explanations, feel free to comment)

I've had this blog since 2004 (please don't read the historical articles.  They. Are. Terrible.) 

I frequently forget to zip up my zipper.  I have an old joke that I'm "trolling".  What you will.


I've broken my nose 3 times before the 4th grade, mostly engaging in childish Tomfoolery.

I went through a period of time when I really, really needed a lot of cologne. I'd spray that s#it everywhere.  Yes.  Everywhere. 

My 1st kiss was a neighborhood girl that chased me around her house down the street until I tripped.  She then fell on me and sort of headbutt-kissed me.  I viscerally remember it being a cruel act.  She tried adding me as a friend on FB, and I blocked her.  31 years later.

My 1st "real" kiss was in 9th grad at the NVJH Sadie Hawkins Dance.

I have terrific memory that's getting slower as I get older. ( Ex: The 1st thing I bought with a credit card was a black soft-sided briefcase at MOA, August of 1997.  SEE!?)

I have an irrational deep-rooted desire to be liked/accepted.  I care way too much about perception, and my deepest rooted fear is to be called on my bullshit.

I take supplements nearly every day.  I've tried very nearly every supplement out there.

I'm loyal to a fault.  My loyalty is faulty.  I tend to stick around past the born-on date, for better or worse.

I frequently get ready for work in the mornings in the pitch-black dark. 

I frequently prefer showering at night...but I won't lie.  I love showers.

The thing that will put me in a frothy rage is being late and condescension.  And every other driver on the road.  Addendum- I'm an excellent driver.

If I pull up to a 4 way stop at the exact same time as another driver?  I'll go.

I have no love of politics.  People who frequently get frassy about them raise my ire, and simultaneously make me feel bad that I can't construct a decent argument to support my own feels.

I still heed advice given when I was in Junior High and High School.

I had the gap in my front teeth filled in while I was in college.

I wear most articles of clothing, if I really like it, until it disintegrates.  (Mainly jeans, naturally)

Speaking of- I once owned a rainbow plethora of Girbaud jeans.  Dark Blue, White, Blue, Black...I had/have a problem.

I rarely- if ever- buy new clothing.  Lot's of thrift store stuff and Hammy Downs.

Shortly after taking this, I did a major closet purge.  Anything smaller than "XL", anything I haven't worn in 2 years, and basically anything that wasn't a bathrobe, hoodie, or Captain America costume.  What?  YOU don't have a Captain America costume in YOUR closet?  STAY JEALOUS

 

 

 

I can't have any dirty dishes left in my sink.  Can. Not.  I'll do dishes while people are eating.

 

I completely and utterly abhor folding clean laundry.  I pick out what I need from the basket at the foot of my bed.

 



I'm a hopeless sentimental freak.   

 

 

Pictured- top drawer of my nightstand.  Contents?  Bow-ties for my groomsmen from when I was going to get married, hackey sack from college, Boy Scouts "Order of the Arrow" sash, random hat pins, harmonica, love letter written on a receipt roll, notebook page with Russian/English terminology, wooden Rhino from Busch Gardens, and a tiny vial with $7 worth of gold flakes (1983 dollars) from a gold-panning visit in SD.  Not pictured: Contents of the other 2 drawers.  I think that'll be a blog on it's own.  Michael?   Remove smut and prophylactics.

I didn't get a checking (checking, mind) account until I was 20 years old.

My original career plans were forensic pathology, administrative business management, and Public Relations.  When I was in junior high, I considered a military career.

I needed either my dad or brother to help me tie a necktie until I taught myself...when I was 25 years old.

I didn't start doing my own laundry until I started college.  I *still* wash nearly everything on cold-wash and still avoid ironing shirts by throwing them in the dryer with a damp t-shirt.

I learned how to competently drive a manual transmission in my 30's...on a Model A Ford.  And it was for a film shoot.

I have a pretty good judge of character.  Scratch that.  Really good.

I'm not normally known to be a glass-half-empty kind of guy.  However I am always worried the other shoe is gonna drop.  If something good happens?  I'm pretty sure something bad will happen.

I went tanning...fake-baking...from about 1993 to 2005. 

I've been shot by a BB gun twice.  Both are funny stories.

My eating disorder is that I have no "off" switch.  I love food and all of it in my mouth.

I'm a terrible theater person.  Viewing, auditioning, learning new material, writing, getting new headshots.  Terrible.

I really, *really* can't drink hard alcohol.  And with that...

I think that regret is healthy, (dwelling or living in the past-including mistakes- is not.)  In which case, I'm pretty gawdamn regret-healthy.