If I can back up again...there are secure doors outside of the maternity ward at the hospital...
I forget if I mentioned it before, but when we had our hospital tour earlier in the year, when you arrive on baby day you learn that you're required to buzz the maternity entrance, wait, and then be let in. (There is NO dramatic kicking in the door demanding to see your wife) Security door buzzers sort of give me the smallest bit of pause for some weird reason. I think buzzers to be embarrassing, having to press a button which is probably making a BIG noise somewhere behind the doors while someone is sitting there, watching a video feed snickering at my not-able-to-be-let-in-ineptitude cruelly waits to see if I start looking around for help before buzzing me in. It sounds dramatic, sure, but on the morning of April 25th it's safe to say I wasn't in my right headspace already so these kind of scenarios seem perfectly reasonable.
What the door-buzzer-gatekeeper would have seen in the monitor around 9:30 am, was an adult man wearing the dad-iest outfit possible consisting of cargo shorts, a hoodie, short-sleeved patterned shirt, and brimming with enough baggage/luggage you'd think he's in the pre-check line at the airport to go on an overseas flight.
The buzzing ends. A telltale click as the doors swing inward...
I enter...
As I walk in there's this tall, attractive blonde nurse who's wearing an easy smile and looking at me (I assume) like she's seen MANY sweaty overweight nervous dad's day-in-day-out for years except... she's been making eye contact with me for...a little too long and...Is...is she... she is. She's still staring? And oh boy...NOW she's walking toward me and heyyyyyy, am I exuding new dad pheromones or something? Maybe it's the peanut butter from the dog earlier this morning? Do..do I still got game? Do I..play..games...gameboy...Nintendo...
(Note: The medical staff being fetching is going to be coming up later. Stay with us.)
She speaks to me..
Nurse: "Mike?"
Me: "Yes?"
Nurse: (Says my wife's name)
Me: "Yes. Can you. I mean, sorry. Which, uh, is she in the same room we were in 2 days ago or has she..like. Moved?"
Nurse: (Laughing) "No. I'm NURSE Rachel."
Me: "I'm sorry. Ha. Could...are you serious? Because I'm kinda fucking frazzled and I don't know if you just said my wife's name or not"
Nurse: (More...laughing. This is good for me. I have an audience) "Sorry! Nope, come on down. She's getting prepped for her epidural and I snuck her some contraband peanut butter toast because she said she was hungry. You (points at me) are good. She (Clicks thumb back down hallway) is down thataway"
I already like Nurse Rachel quite a bit.
As I drop my stuff in her room, I'm relieved to see my wife was prepped and looking more comfortable than she had in weeks. The anesthesiologist came in shortly after to assist with the procedure and as he was checking my wifes lines he commented that they "Looked really good" with a hint of surprise. Nurse Rachel endeared herself to me even further with her feigned disgust at the passively condescending way he made the comment, and was having none of it.
"I know. I did them myself".
I guess I wasn't prepared for that kind of verbal sparring, but it was cool to see that she wasn't about to take his shit. He seemed unfazed as he moved on, and later I was told it wasn't meant to be prickish, but he makes dozens and dozens of rounds every day, does his job with clinical efficiency, and moves on,. So...it was a compliment? Question mark? Anway.
The light's in her room were dimmed so resting could take place when my wife's mom showed up to lend support as my wife drifted in and out of sleep. I took the time to walk and chat with Nurse Rachel in order to get caught up on doings in the brief time I went home and came back since apparently:
-A large construction team started doing loud, NOISY work on the automatic doors to surgery which were very close to my wife's room and were preventing her from sleeping. Nurse Rachel went out and took them to task for their inconsideration, and (HILARIOUSLY) the staff gave us a Target gift card for the inconvenience.
-The maternity wing of the hospital, very quickly and early, hit occupational capacity in the morning so the fact that we arrived as early as we did was a good sign, as they started having to direct new parents to their respective "B" choice hospitals. (No room at the Inn, dig?)
-There was an emergency C section that Nurse Rachel needed to assist with soon after my wife was set up with her IV's. (My wife recalled much screaming and calamity in the halls. Nurse Rachel ran off without so much as a word when her walkie started squawking. When she came back she said "We're good. Someone was just a prime candidate for a Caesarian today".) As our nurse herself, well we toured the wing and she showed me where to get the crunchy delicious hospital ice when I asked if I could have some, and told me a little about herself:
Married with 2 boys. She did some modeling (see?) to pay for nursing school. Loves her job. Gave me some indirect pointers and pro-tips for new parents that she said she wished she knew. ("Don't cut their nails until much, much later. You will chew their nails, which sounds gross but it's fine. I cut my first son's nails and didn't realize they weren't fully formed which meant I was snipping skin and he buh-LED!!! I was like...'UGH! I'M the WORST mom EVER!' You'll say you're the worst parent a lot for the first few months.")
I managed to catch a few winks in the afternoon so when I woke up we sent mom away for a little bit as the care team was coming in for some baby birthing business. The first thing I noticed was my wife's regular Ob/Gyn wasn't among them as the introductions were being made- not the end of the world, but you always hope that relationship continues from beginning to end.
The second thing I noticed? Which I meant to keep to myself forever in order to treat the day of the birth of my child with respect and sensitivity...was was that they were all young and cute. Great.
This doctor was a tan, brightly dispositioned woman with the kind of energy that said she finished an Ironman this morning before hitting a sunrise yoga class, who also had a really awesome laugh (sidenote- Wife wants it mentioned she probably shops at or models for Athleta) SHE says "So, I'll be attending the birth because your doctor isn't on call tonight, however we were classmates and did our residency together so we're actually good friends." (This was...really kind of cool to hear. I expected a lot of dispassionate and clinical business-minded folk sans humor.) We're then introduced to the remaining care team and told "We're hear to see where you're dilated to, and to break your water to see if we can't move things along a bit faster, yeah?"
NOT ON MY WATCH, DOC!
"Wait. WAIT wait wait wait wait. If THIS is true, then my biology classes lied to us, the birthing class lied to us. MY wife was SUPPOSED to be in the kitchen mixing SOMETHING and it was going to break and flow dramatically all over the hardwood floors. I'm feeling we're missing part of the experience!"
They laugh at my stupid faux umbrage, which is nice, as my wife's eyes roll back so hard it's as if she's inspecting her pillow. We all start chatting and I learn the care team is all under 30 and 2 of them are getting their residency. They are all blonde with hair in pony tails. One has glasses. All have Crocs on which I tell them we've noticed and I'm given the dispassionate commentary I've expected when I'm told it's easier to wash blood and human tissue off of them at the end of the shift. Rad. I mention my wife had to buy Crocs which my wife groans about, even sedated, because she hates that she owns Croc sandals even though they're comfy AF.
Before she leaves, Nurse Rachel hangs back and says something I imagine she says to a lot of people, but in the moment I wanted it committed it to memory: "So. I really like the both of you. A lot. My shift ends at 7pm, but I want to meet this baby tonight. I think it'll happen, so I'll be back in a bit to check. We're almost there."
And then we're left alone again. Just...I know who I am. I'm sensitive about being weird and strange and not-so-serious. I know I'm nervous and on a good day I'm a frassy talky-meat making stupid jokes. Conversely, I know the gravity of what we're going through that morning. And I want my wife to see me as me and not me playing a role of stoic dad. I want the care team to know I trust them and won't second guess them or act like I know more because I read something somewhere. The easier of a patient and patient partner I am, the better I think it'll be for everyone. If a little levity let's them know I won't lose my shit when it's go time, then I'd like to think my being silly while also being respectful make a better experience during this brief, emotional and intense affair.
Mom returns and brushes my wife's hair. I check my phone and confirm the pets and the house are taken care of before shutting off my phone for the last time of the evening.
My wife beckons me over as mom retreats to give updates to the family via text. I'm holding her hand and she says to me:
"I'm scared"
"I know. But we're in it. And I'm right here. And I'm not going any where. You got this."
"I love you"
"I love you"
"Why are all the doctors and nurses so hot?"
"I'm glad you noticed so I didn't have to keep it to myself"
"Seriously. And young"
"Ok. We'll carbon date them later."
It's too quiet. Nurse Rachel returns. She floomfs some pillows. Brings more water and ice. Checks machines...I'm curious.
"Hey".
"Yeah?"
"Shouldn't there be more people here? I feel like we paid for more people" (Laughter. It's an affirming laugh. I didn't tell my wife that I was starting to shake a little.)
"Not right now. When it's 'go time', you'll know"
"Ok. Can I...Can I ask probably a stupid question?"
"Shoot"
"Have you ever had to deliver a baby by yourself before?"
Nurse Rachel stops tucking in my wife for a second and looks at me curiously before that look changes to sort of a hard steely squint.
"It's not a dumb question. And 'Yes'. LOT'S of times."
"Ah."
"Sometimes the doctor is late, sometimes the baby gets impatient...hell, I've even recruited the dad to help out and pull the kid out"
I have a purpose.
"Really?"
"Yup"
I step away from the bed and hold my arms out and bent up with my hands closed and pointing upward. "I'm ready".
"...I'm sorry. What are you doing?"
"Let's go. Let's do this"
Nurse Rachel looks really confused as she goes back to her actual job but I was saved by one of the residents laughing as she walked in (Blonde. Ponytail. Glasses. Cute.)
"He wants to get scrubbed for surgery"
Much relief. Joke grenade exploded.
"Seriously. I'm ready. I can do this. I've watched 'M*A*S*H' like, 5 or 6 times over. I'm hella ready"
"That's amazing. I LOVE 'M*A*S*H'..." (She loves it, by the way.)
"Me too. My Dad and I used to watch together when I I was a kid. I remem-..."
The birth mother objects, at this juncture...
"Stop. STOP. Please. No more jokes. No more. I don't want to be giving birth with the theme music from 'M*A*S*H' stuck in my head. Please."*
Chastened, I muttered an apology and moved back up to my station by my wife's head. At this point, things get a little muddled as I remember giving her sips of water and kissing her head a lot while the "blip" of the monitor next to me was steady. Muddled, mind you. And fast. Because I feel like I looked down at my wife and said supportive things, and then I looked up and before I really knew what was happening ("Do I need a mask? A gown? A shower?") a team of doctor's and nurses in gowns, plastic face shields, gloves, and the whole shebang swarmed in and broke my wife's bed apart into birthing mode with the speed and efficiency of an Indy 500 tire change.
It was "go time".
*My wife would later tell me as we were talking about it her brain was already envisioning the opening scene during the credits of the brown grassy fields as the helicopter shadow speeds over the landscape.
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