(*Or not)
The morning after my wife had the one-in-the-morning contraction:
"Did you want me to call the baby line?'
"No. It's probably just (Insert: gas, cramp, false hope)..."
"Are you sure? I can call in to work"
"No. We shouldn't waste the time off. I'll be fine."
"Ok. Will you (Insert: Call, text, email, all of the above) please?"
"Of course."
"Can we have a less cliche' saying than 'I think it's happening' when it actually happens?"
"Ha Ha."
After having *just* had Easter dinner and the terse conversation regarding late-to-the-party babies (AND how much like everything I was right about- from the sex of the baby, to the nesting instinct being a myth, to...obviously...our daughter WOULD be born EXACTLY one week late), this gave me the initial feeling of a false alarm. And hey if there was ONE take-away I remember from our tour of Regions Hospital to show peeps I was listening, it was to CALL THE BABY LINE before coming to the hospital. (Naturally, this made perfect sense. It would put you in touch with a helpful nurse that may calm your nerves and help ascertain if it's truly a false alarm versus a "git in here now". With a phone call. Brilliant. And the best tool for procrastinators.)
So we went to work that morning like usual. Everything status quo. Nothing to see here, just move along, folks...(My wife's lunch time small talk was funny. "How's it going, R?"/"Oh fine. I think I'm having pre-labor contractions (rubs belly while microwave "DINGS".)/"I didn't think you'd share that much."
Then the Monday was over. I got home from work. It was pissing rain. I ran out to get our Winter coats from the dry cleaner so we could store them for the Summer. And I made a joke to the cashier that I hope to never see them again until next week. (HAR!!! ) Then I sort of stood there before leaving. Standing there, holding my wife's winter coats. And stared at the maternity coat thinking it might be the last go. The first coat- i.e. her normal winter coat- lasted until almost December when she needed to upsize to the roomier one.
It was just...you know. Anyway, back to home.
Home to putting on my bathrobe. To some wine. To some forcing the dog out to potty in the rain. To a little more wine. To taking off my pants. To...my phone buzzing off the chain.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Mike? This is ______ from R's work. She's having really bad contractions and we're taking her home so you don't wonder why a few different cars pull up in front"
"O...k?"
"Yeah, she can't drive right now so we'll see you soon! Bye!!!"
She sounded so excited. And I was like...
Wait, what now?
NOW?!?!?
I watched the front window until I saw her car and another car pull up behind it. Unbeknownst to me (but again, makes perfect sense), my wife made contingencies with her fellow employees to catch a ride home should babytime arrive early. As her co-worker bustled up to hold the doors, I saw my wife slowwwwly extricate herself from the car. Full of smiles, her co-worker gives me a warm hug saying "I think someone's having a baby tonight!!!!"
And there's me. Still in my robe. Still...sans pants...a bit too little clothing for me to be interacting that closely with my wife's fellow employees. (Wife interjection: To be fair, he was called WELL in advance so he COULD have thrown some pants on! Husband Rebuttal: I hate pants. Sustained.)
As I looked over her shoulder I un-hugged and asked (I ASKED, lordy!) if she'd mind if I run out and give my wife a hand. At this point, my wife was doubled over hanging on the car door retching, which was clue number one something seemed really... off.
I get her as comfortable as I can on the couch while taking off her Crocs. As her co-workers leave and wish us luck. Her dad texted he's heading over and I interviewed my wife about her contraction time-frames, how many minutes apart, grabbing some paper to keep track, and then finally...FINALLY I rang up the BABYLINE to give the nurse a holler. (Dramatic swell of music as the pre-programmed number is pushed)
And we got...Jim (*Not the real name).
Jim...was probably a float? Maybe handling the phone on a busy night? Regardless, I so was wound up and upset that after the call I asked my wife how we got the B-Squad Junior Varsity phone attendant, but lest you get too upset at my commentary...hear me out:
My wife was attempting to answer the initial compulsory questions while in spasms of pain (It was easier for her to answer the nurse directly than my playing...telephone). Jim, after every answer, would then place my wife on a protracted hold. Phone is then handed to me while she retches and breathes and holds either my, or her dad's hand to squeeze while she cries. Dog is pacing concernedly and whimpering. More holds. More waiting. More waiting.
It goes from believing this is normal...this is part of the birth process and yes, calm down because we're now getting to the "final emergency questions ". Her take, by my wife:
I don't remember all of the first questions. But the emergency questions started off with Jim asking me: 'Now, can you see the umbilical cord at all?'/'I, uh, see what?!?!?'/'It would be a bluish-gray color'/'Jim, I would have LED with that!'/'Please hold' (Jim comes back) 'Last question, can you see the babies head at all?...'
Jim...Jim? JIMBO! I haven't seen my own v@gina in 3 months. No.'/'Ok. Gotta ask. Please hold...(Jim comes back) You should probably come in.' (I can attest to watching this conversation in person and it was MUCH less funny if you were there.)
Here, I was glad we were packed and ready. I bundle up wife while she kisses dad. I text friends to advise we wouldn't be home and to watch the house and pets...And away we go! Ready as I'll ever be, I guess...
Gosh! April 22. Wonder what celebrity birthday's there are today or famous historical events. I mean, it could be April 23rd after all the pushing and labor since babies are NEVER born as soon as you're admitted and it'll probably be a 4am Facebook announcement on April 23rd but whatever. (Pats wife's leg. See's all the different entrances) Ok, trying to remember where they wanted us to park if we're inmates. (Rushes wife to the security door and remembering push the intercom button to be let in versus knocking.) Sign in, show medical cards, send wife back to get gowned and answer preliminary quest- THIS IS ALL SO EXCITING AND WEIRD AND IT'S HAPPENING A WEEK EARLY GOD MY WIFE CAN YOU BELIEVE HER MOXIE SHE IS *SO* IMPATIENT WHEN SHE WANTS SOMETHING DONE RIGHT NOW AND..."
"Sir? You can come back now"
It was actually too quiet. In the 5 or so waiting rooms, my wife is the only patient. The lights are lowered to what I'm sure is a calming hue, with only ambient side lighting and the blips of portable equipment casting shadows. It's not calming at all. It eerily reminds me of being in a church after hours, and my wife is panting, breathing, moaning, crying, and it's all a little much. More over, my deep gut is feeling something is weird. Not, bad...or harmful. Just, this isn't how it was "supposed" to go. Big surprise to everyone reading thus far, I'm sure. Still...
A very kind nurse and the on-staff doctor came in with some more general labor questions while my wife writhed in bed. (She couldn't sit still. Every few minutes she'd get up to bend over to try and breathe through it, when I started to get scared that she'd tangle herself in her bedsheets and fall . But HEY! We're in a goddamn hospital. If you have an accident it should be here. If there's something wrong with the wife or kiddo, they'll mobilize. THIS IS PART OF THE BIRTH EXPERIENCE I'd think. THIS IS JUST SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T CONSIDER, DOOFUS!!!
"Ok...I need to do a cervical exam to check the baby's head placement so you're going to feel some pressure and some discomfort, okay? Just keep breathing and I can stop if you need me to but we have to find out where she is, okay?"
"Okay".
And to leave it on a cliffhanger friends, that was the first time I heard my wife scream bloody murder from the pain.
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