"Do you want to know what sex is for women? Poke Poke POKE and then you're done! Where's the satisfaction for HER?!?!*"
"Kiddo, they used to tell us that we could get pregnant eating cabbage or straddling a fence**"
- *My mom's unsolicited advice, circa 1993 when I was in high school hanging out with a bunch of my friends. I may have attempted to will myself out of existence in the moment, and "Poke Poke Poke" became the tease-du jour the rest of the year.
- **Mom, again...telling me the kind of sex education bullshit they were told back in the late 50's.
Chapter 3
(Content warning- boners n' stuff)
In case you are wondering, sex ed wasn't anything we shied away from in my family. Mom, being mom and being a nurse, meant we had a pretty open door policy when it came to the birds and the bees. She LOVED telling everyone the story of watching a child birth documentary with me when I was 5 years old, and when the baby was being delivered apparently I screamed and cried and told her that the "mommy was pooping a baby!!!" There was also the time she checked out "Where Do I Come From" via our local library. Ever read that one? A detailed cartoon look at procreation, albeit where they all look like characters from "The Family Guy"? Horrifying.
Even in middle school/high school the instructors were fairly candid about sex. (Eff you, abstinence-only teachers) In the late 80's, topics were covered such as AIDS, teen pregnancy, and safe sex. (Even though we seem to be living in regressive times, there was an era where people imagined they'd contract HIV by public toilet seats and a host of other bullshit we now know to be false.) I'm sure many have endured the awkward giggle-inducing lectures and sex-ed videos which included an actual (internal camera) point of insemination, which one kid in our class called "Live eye in the pie."
The funny thing was what we learned was that getting pregnant? Was, like, suuuuuuuper easy.
I've joked about how my dad had a very strict set of rules when I was a kid about dating which amounted to: "Don't embarrass me" (He was a cop, and he said if I did anything illegal he'd know by morning) and "Don't get a girl pregnant". If you can remember any of those scary after school specials like 'Too young to be a Dad" or Madonna videos like "Papa Don't Preach"...basically the idea was that if you even...fucking...hugged someone of the opposite sex too tightly? Spontaneous reproduction was inevitable. (Versus, say, educating kids of the fact that that consensual sex? Can be really, really awesome, enjoyable, and fun.)
Also important to note, and I hope my high school classmates reading this will get a laugh, but starting my sophomore/junior year- my mom staretd put condoms in my Christmas stocking. (STOCKING STUFFER JOKE) Honestly, it's probably the best thing she did to get me over the stigma of buying prophylactics, but there was still that burning awful embarrassment of taking out candy bars, socks, fruit, and gift certificates on my birthday only to find a small black box with an oily muscular man's torso pulling on a rope that touted 3 spermicidally lubricated rubbers while my father videotaped the whole mess. I mean, yeah- we were a fairly sex/consent positive family, but the message from my parents was pretty clear: We know you're going to be getting frisky, and we'd like it if you didn't graduate from Park Center with an infant.
ANYWAY,
Absolutely nothing happened in 2017 of note, baby-wise. Sure, we had started telling folks we were trying. My wife started taking pre-natal gummies. (GUMMIES FOR BABIES). When she apprised her lady doctor that she was trying, she was told to anticipate a "Geriatric Pregnancy". (The fuck? Suddenly the stupid joke from "When Harry Met Sally"-remember? "Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73!" had a whoooole new meaning). We tried adopting healthier habits like drinking less and exercising more. People gave a lot of advice on the matter ("You have to make her orgasm. A lot." Done and done.) I mean, the trying bit? That's the fun part. Sorry to chuck the rubbers, ma. But see the last entry to my first comment about having unprotected sex with the goal of making a tiny human.
Still... I didn't really feel a massive hurry. I was sort of convinced, as a guy who was sexually active since high school and avoided any scares or mis-haps* that I might just be...too old. Sure, I was 42 years old and still feeling, y'know... active and virile. And yet, month after month in 2017, my wife would get her period and I'd hold and console her as she cried- while mentally breathing a sigh of relief that parental responsibility was off of my plate. However, I attended a fertility consultation with my wife, and before I left I was handed a cup and told that if it didn't happen this month, that maybe it was my turn to have the swimmers inspected. Suddenly you start to notice more friends getting pregnant. And as much I can/could joke about masturbating in a cup and rushing off to deliver it in 45 minutes to the University Ave Sperm Clinic like a pizza delivery driver's hot and ready guarantee? (DOUBLE DOWN ENTENDRE!)
The idea that it was my fault some how really hooked under my skin. More anxiety. More worry. And then what happened just before Summer 2017 was a whole new kick in the dingus:
I was laid off .
And if we talk of stressors, distractions, and excuses? How about "How the fuck do I try or even want to have a kid when I don't even have an income?"
* Yeah, I know. I've also driven after having maybe one too many and played those stupid odds, too. Basically, Imma PSA here and say: Have and enjoy safe and consensual sex. Don't play make-believe and raw dog and pretend that you're sterile or infertile just so you can avoid wearing a condom, males and male-identifiers. Again. Consent. Condoms. I've had the privilege to be in long-term monogamous relationships since 2000, and my partners and I have candid conversations about comfortable levels of safety. Rather, I should say that I think talking about your privates and the naughty acts you engage in with them can and should be a hot conversation that's part of the experience. Ok? I also think I missed my calling being an educator on sexuality.
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