What Davey's error meant, was that he sat through some of this:
Nicole Eggert, channeling pre-"Clueless" Alicia Silverstone in 1992. Haim just looks plain stoned.With this:
In 1994, it was okay to believe that Tommy Lee Jones could passably play an IRA bomber, complete with Irish accent...that he ordered from a box of Lucky Charms. To be fair, Bridges tries to affect his own later in the movie, but it's so bad. Not even "good" bad. SUCKS! Of course, the similarity in the box art could be confusing. Could have been worse...could have been a remake of "Blow Dry"...I had to...had to write an article
Can you believe we live in a world that shakes it's head collectively when LiLo gets sent to jail for 5 hours? Harder still to believe that, with audiences salivating over the closing saga of "Twilight" and who's team would you be on, young performers were generally relegated to the kind of passing interest that we save for Victoria's Secret ads on the side of a moving bus. Which is to say, rarely were the teens in these movies hung with the microscopic fascination we do these days.
Because for the kajillion boyfriends/best friends in the back ground of a 80's/90's feature film who get quickly forgotten (where- if fate allows- they can reinvent themselves on a successful sit-com television in the 2000's...maybe even an Oscar!) we had a handful of teen heartthrob actrons that spent weeks on the covers of teeny-bopper magazines and seemed, you could believe, that they'd be on top of the world forever! Riding trends, fads, clothing styles, haircuts like they were a luck-dragon...befriending famous pop music stars or professional athletes and directors. Drugged and drunken Tomfoolery was passed off as "exhaustion" and could quickly be glossed over for bigger grown-up stars problems, while Drew Barrymore was posing for Playboy to restore her "cred". (And let's not forget the perpetual f#ck up, Robert D Jr. He had yet to prove his talent and become the shining example of talent and redemption he went on to embody 2, 3, 5 x's over until he was almost washed up. Even River Phoenix had another year left in him)
And then we have the Corey's...His Haimliness and Feldman. And folks, for someone who has a HUGE soft spot for "The Lost Boys", "The Goonies", and even to a lesser extent "License to Drive" and "Dream A Little Dream" (if only because the latter was on HBO in rotation every two hours, you just couldn't get away from it, or from the stupid "James Dean" song from the soundtrack. Or that could just be foreshadowing. Annnnyway)
It's not every day we get a movie that will capture the hubris and downfall of a pair of, if not talented, at least popular actors of their day. If you think about it, the balancing act of hopefulness and reality was petering out at the end of the 80's. The 90's pushed in a major event during the time of this film's release: Sharon Stone's pubic hair. By presenting audiences with hard, violent crime films (not gritty, mind you, unless we're still talking about her merkin) we were shuffling off the teen heart throb image that was so popular in the 80's and looking for real people. (And many of these heart throbs were heading to the small screen anyway.) And let's face it...The Corey's were getting older. And since we were still a minute or two away from the mid-90's that would usher in the quiet "Independent Film Drama" that allowed many "stars" to pursue projects that challenged them as actors, and hopefully created a renaissance for audiences to accept that they could move past their old images.
Except I'm pretty sure these two burn boys just read a draft from their agent which made them think it was all going to be love scenes and 8-balls...Hoooooeeeee. Poor bastards. Where to begin? (It's here that I need to point out that I barely made it past the opening credits before realizing I made a horrible mistake. Since I had a real acting event to attend...you know...a "play"? I ended up fast forwarding it so that it pretty much lasted all of 22 minutes. Still. Too long)
The problem isn't the plot, which is stupid. (17 year old rich girl seduces Haim in order to convince him to kill her dad...when it's implied that her dad may have killed her mom. Feldman is around to trade name-calling with Haim. Nicknames like "clown nuts" and "dick nose". Honestly, this was the dialogue that spoke to me the most, since it's the way I talk to my best friend. Except...you know...we didn't go scouting high school chicks parties when we were 24 years old- I mean did I mention she's supposed to be under-age? And that's a good thing?)
Anyway, what acts as a depressing time-capsule is how both of those dudes, who're at the ripe age of 21 in 1993 (or 1992 when they might've filmed it) looked like 37 year old burn-outs. It doesn't look it...in their body language, interacting with each other as "buds", or when they take their clothes off (which they both do. A lot. As does Ms. Eggert. Which makes it difficult at times to differentiate during the awkward writhing love scenes between she and "The Haim", since he still has that downy physique of a 14 year old anorexic. Here's a hint- she's wearing a gallon of spray tan.) It's just when we first see them try to play themselves out at a party, they invariably do look like the sad older dudes who get up at weddings to dance along with the hip cool sounds of the early 80's while the younger crew waits at the corner of the dance floor staring stupidly while THEY wait to hear Ke$ha.
Wait.
Oh...and writhe they do. Their first coupling is an exercise in awkward groping, with Haim undressing her with the zeal and confusion of someone recently released from EST. Eggert looks mildly put upon. And...I'm sorry, she's supposed to be 17 years old. I don't know why this bothered me so much when I can watch a Larry Clark movie and "get it". Oh wait. Yes I do. It's because his face STILL looks like a 37-year-old burn out! Feldman delivers his lines with the same forced gravelly growl he gave his Frog brother back in 1987's "The Lost Boys" but with his lame pony tail, effeminate way of cupping his cigarette "European" style, and posturing...it doesn't reeeeeeeally shriek "I'm a badass! Quiet! Dangerous!"
And then...they fight. Yes, the Corey's (clearly not emulating their "real-life" relationship) get into a knock-down drag'em out fight...that has the force, swagger, and gusto that you'd see between two kittens in a slap fest. I actually got angry at this point and sped up the film to the end. Bad fight choreography can suck, even if they aren't "fighters", per se. But when it hurts...then you pray for their ruination.
Anyway, Eggert did it. And at the bitter end we have a protracted show down scene between the three of them and some cops which wins the award for the lamest death scene by a character when Eggert FINALLY bites it...in fact, it's either king-sized lame or needs to be in a hall-of-fame somewhere next to the awful death's Schwarzenegger bestowed in "Raw Deal" and "Commando" combined.
Anyway, you have three actors...one of whom (Eggert) would stay on and retain notoriety on "Baywatch" for the next few years and doing another couple of Straight-To-Video starkers. The Corey's would have to wait for their time to rise again, and even then it'd be really to parody themselves. Haim wasn't able to bring himself back...he just kept on spiraling.
Anyway...this movie depressed the shit out of me, and then made me feel a little better about my talent as an actor while I was at it.
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