Food Reviews

Ahem-

Progresso's low sodium/carb/health-consious Southwestern Spicy soup. 150 calories. Okay. Definitely brothy. Not a hearty meal to be sure, but a little extra water/tomatoes/spinach/spices ups the flavor sensation.

Ahem squared-

I'm busting a$$ to get to rehearsal (I worked until 6pm) and since I didn't pack a dinner I had to make an executive decision to stop for frassed food. There was nothing, like but nothing in terms of old stand by drive through's where I could hazard a healthy sammich so when I get off I spy a Har to the Dizz-Ee's in the distance. I think "F#ck, man...I haven't been to one of these places in forever. Like, all I remember was Frisco Melt's back when I ate the filthy bastards." My second thought was "F#ck, man...I've got to be at rehearsal in 5 minutes, please let there not be a line") The pickings were remarkably slim, and judging by the grilled chicken choices and the lack of a "Your way, right away" slogan I figured I'd-a need to make due with the lesser of two evils. So, it is here that I introduce you to the "Hawaiian Teryaki Grilled Chicken Sandwich" boasting a pineapple (Oooookay. I see cheese, but figure that it can be peeled off with relative ease.)

Wrong.

I fumble and park, pulling my purchase out and resigning the fact that I'd be about 3 minutes late but if I didn't get dinner I'd be a crabby petunia. I open the box (Still looks promising) lift the bun off annnnnnd: F#ck. This thing has at least a gallon of mayo on it. And is that cheese? It looks like white foam core!?!? And low and behold...one napkin.

I begin the salvage project immediately, hands shaking from hunger/anger/nerves as I quickly wipe the bun when the chicken shifts and...what's this? ANOTHER slathering of mayo and cheese. Flip, Lather, and repeat. Only this time my hands are covered in goo. I manage to use some kleenex in the back (Not a sturdy subsitute) and scarf my sandwich before rehearsal. When the night was all said and done, my car reeked of mayo/dead sammich.

So I'd like to give a hearty Caesarian "Thumb's Down" to their sammich. My steering column is giving me the "phantom ick's" just by touching it. Grrrrr.

The I.V's

Yup. That pretty much sums it up. And when the post-gala is charging actor's (read: Fixed income) $9 a glass of wine? Reminds me of why we packed our flasks in the first place. Here's to sticking it to the man. A synopsis:


-I cut my chin shaving. No biggie, but I bled like a sieve for an hour.

I started sweating immediately after showering. And proceeded to sweat for the duration of the night. And not "Oh pretty I'm glowing" sweat, but "No officer, I have no IDEA why there's a dead hooker in my trunk" sweating. Not pretty.

Pocketed Flask Full of Morgan's and picked up date, who looked very pretty.

We hit Great Dragon All you Can Eat Buffet for dinner in our classy duds. We. Are. Awesome.

And so is Great Dragon's Spicy Chicken and Broccoli. More sweat.

We BS'ed at Palomino w/X, Gramma, BWJ, and commenced people watching.

Joined the swell of folks trying to get tickets etc. My sweating, at this point, became unbearable and I started feeling like an unwashed heathen. And felt like Dorajar and I should have attached ourselves to each other with a piece of string.

Sat in the back and watched the show. Had to pee about three minutes in and basically sweat, squiggled, and squirmed through the show. I felt self conscious being flanked by people, so nips from my flask were far and few between. At least I wasn't lit by the time I got to the after-do like last year.

Ahem. HALLLLLLLENBEEEEECK!!! F#cking A this guy should get an award. Word.

BNW performer is a new super secret girlfriend, as is the girl who did the snippet from "Fat Pig". She was very sweet when we were introduced post-show.

I decided I don't "get" the IV's.

We started laughing, audibly, when X sent her a text during one guest performer's rendition of "Hopelessly devoted to you"- (paraphrased) "Don't the b#tch know another song?!?!"

We bolted right before the "Lifetime Afrassment" Award was handed out. It was funny because we shared the same glance and when people started to clap and stand, that was our cue.
Finally...toilet time. Mop sweat. Remove jacket. Dab big red dot in the center of my chin. Gross.
I get a really good look at me and resign myself to looking like an overdress tool. I shoulda went with a kilt too. At least then I'da had a breeze to keep me cool.

Get offered a pick-up drink by the pretty people by the trough in the lobby. Empty half outside, pour some of my flask in there. Subtle...buddy. Reeeeeeally subtle. It tasted like diluted a$$.

After party-

The Schloss is our hook up. Cheap tonic for Dorajar and her flask. Cheap Diet Coke for Mikey.


I told SSGF #2 and former IV winner that I loved her. She told me she knew. How Han Solo.

Got a big hug from Shelbs. Love.

Quite a few fakey run-in's. (That one dude? He's 40, right? Why does he look perpetually 25 years old? The man hasn't aged in 15 years! That's IT! He's a f#cking vampire.)

One ex siting. ( We kept our distance)

We took funny pictures in a photo booth. (See above

Lot's of pretty people. One pretty and naughty Feej. Shame shame I know your name. ; )

I chastised Beau Geste for giving away all his acting tips on the C'board. He said "Do I know you?!?!?"

I told the Penub-nub artistic director that it's not all glamour. He said "Do I know you?"

That's it.

Whadda Weekend...

It just FLOO by, didn't it? Caturday was sort of the pinnacle of goodness so I figure I'll start there:


Being that this was the last sort of "open" weekend we had together, Dorajar and I were fixing to get out of town. Funds were low-age, so we knew that spending the night somewhere was out of the questions. We opted for T. to the Fall's where we were watned to recapture a little of this happy business:
http://happychristmasbaby.blogspot.com/2006/02/consider-source.html

(Back when we were desperately denying that there was anything "there". Okay, it was all on me but still...funny business when you look back on it)

Daytime started with brefkist here:
http://www.chatterboxpub.net/

(Not bad. I thought that you got a little less food than you were paying for, but all told it was still tasty business) The highlight of brefkist was that we completed the Onion cross word in the span of an hour. Thank you. And did you know that they get around the liquor law by making their Bloody Mary's with Sake?

We hiked many a small hikes consecutively in the state park before heading into scenic TF to discover truly if it was, in fact, a summer town. (For a pair of "experienced" hikers, we moronically forgot to bring water in with us. Durrrrr) We knocked back a BM at Romayne's while watch the biker's rumble and the children frass. (Note to parents: If you have a spastic hyper-active child, feeding them sugary beverage's is probably not a good idea. IJS) Walked around, then headed back home.

Still parched, we stopped in Chisago City to slake our thirst at Scooter's pub where we were just in time for TWO historic events: One, was the $.50 hamburger special. (No s#it. A full sized burger, for fitty cent. ) And...wait for it: The meat raffle. After snapping a photo of Dorajar posing in front of the pool table covered in frozen roast, we spit the bit. (And luck ba$tard that she is, she found a really nice lounging VS bathrobe at the antique store next to the bar)

We napped, then headed out for a "just got fired/quit" dinner where the bar actually had playing the cartoon Transformer's movie from '86 followed by "Fighter's at the Shaolin Temple". Needless to say, I wasn't all that conversational. More like "Jocko at a sport's bar when there's a (Insert random sport) playing"

Sunday was rehearsal, projects, then Market for Jabas the Hutt's b'day. Thus fulfilling half of my bi-annual Market visit's. I didn't even get plowed. Hooray for buddies.

Tonight...the Ivey Awards. I will have a flask. Oh yes.

I wanna be this guy

Why hasn't this been on the radar? "Mirageman"? Really? Is he another Tony Jaa flash in da pan? What?

I found out about this dude in the round about way, first with this on AICN:
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/34148

Which prompted me to do this:
http://imdb.com/title/tt1046183/

Then to watch this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVrpiQS7IG4



Ho. Lee. Shite.

A few things...

A week ago on my commute home, I saw a car blow up.

Scratch that.

I was coming around 94 Westbound from White Bear Ave. and saw plumes of black smoke. "Fire" I thought, ever so wisely. Looks to be coming from the South side, so no major snarls.

Right?

As I got closer, and traffic snarled down ("Frickin' Lookiloo's") I saw the source- A suburban, engulfed (And I mean, a ball of flame with a suburban shape) in the Eastbound lane. Well before I even saw this mess, I was about 1/4 miles up the road when Ka-BOOOOOOOM a 6 story mushroom cloud erupted in the near-distance. When I got closer and passed it I knew (knew) what the source of traffic congestion was. (Thankfully, all souls were a half mile away) but...

Shit.

I've never seen an explosion live. Like that . Or with my windows up, felt the vibration's...

I could comment on the 35W bridge tragedy, or that there are people in the Middle East who deal with this on a regular basis...but no. It freaked me out. A lot.


Thank You.

Bad Covers

Cracked.com, on a famous wigged out pop stars cover of "Satisfaction":

"But here's the thing—how bad a cover version do you have to create to look bad compared to The goddamn Monkees? That's like losing a paralyzation contest to Stephen Hawking."

Did I read this right?

(Chinese: 肾子八大奇功 - "Testicle Eight Outstanding Techniques").

And moreover, did it show up? This blog is brought to you by my awful wiki addiction, and the definition of the "Iron Shirt" technique of kung fu.


For your pleasure.

I confess...movie style

I know that I'll never watch certain movies, in spite of my deep love for the cinema. That said, I spend time reviewing the spoiler-ific wikipedia entries on the movies I don't want to see, but want to know more about. The film "The Brave One" really doesn't pique my interest all that much (And it's been getting some ass-tastic reviews. Well really..."I want my dog back"? Jodie, Jodie, Jodie...God I love ya, but you've been hittin' some foul balls in the last 10 years or so. Boo. Boo I say.)

Annnnnyway, here's a spoiler filled plot synapsis of "The Brave One", clearly written by someone who was realllly trying to capture the essence of the film in addition to their overall disdain. I. Laughed.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brave_One_%282007_film%29

Oh God...Even funnier...

The nerd in me is rolling, ROLLING over this one. GSeven and Raven? This is for you:

http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=2111


Clooney's bat nipples assist with bat lactation.

Too...Funny

I found this article on the top five Mismatched movie fights here:

http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1484


(There was also links attached regarding the top 8 improvised movie weapons which includes, ahem, Ash's chainsaw hand.)

This quote though, and mind you he's cappin' on Han Solo, this quote killed me:


"Harrison Ford punches like a woman in every single action movie we've ever seen him in. There’s always this drunken looking follow through after each punch where he falls forward a couple of steps and then looks up like he just forgot where he was. For some reason, people thought this guy was an action star for 25 years despite the fact that his career has been mostly comprised of angrily crumpling paper and looking like he's just pooped his pants. "

Oh dear...

This reminds me of a conversation I had back in high school with a buddy regarding how people run in movies. We agreed that Steven Seagal tends to run with this weird floppy armed gait that is similar to a T-rex chasing a jeep. Mel Gibson (post "Lethal Weapon 2" intro scene) runs well- And in cowboy boots.

No easy feat. I mean, f#ck...I hadda dance in cowboy boots and looked like an aging T-Rex who pooped his pants.

I'm now four years old today. Carry on.

Come again?

"...It'll be a point of purchase deal for a spa company that shoots on the 12th and 13th, just come on down to the office and wear a swimsuit..."


Waitaminnit? Did I just agree to do a topless audition on Friday?

Ohhhhh. Kay.

I'm fairly certain I had my head up my butt when I said "Yes". I probably look like an ouroboros.

Karma?

If you post something about how you think you spread good karma, does it cancel out?

Our first pitstop on the way down to KS was this little rest area in the middle of nowwhere. It's interesting to note, that our first rest stop (Where the sign actually said "Rest Area") was just that. No terlets. No vending machines. Just a place to pull over and park. We chuckled, and meandered up another 40 miles before we found one with plumbing.

We're giggly and goofy and sweaty, looking forward to the opportunity to stretch our legs. As I get into the building and Dorajar bustles over to the ladies room I make eye contact with a woman helping a man struggling with a walker. He's middle aged, African American, has an eye patch, and is having a very difficult time getting into the restroom. I make a quick decision to get out of there way and use the second door when she grabs my arm and says to me "Excuse me? This is my husband. Would you please help him in there? Just...if anything happens come and get me?"

No worries.

She tells her husband I'll be helping and he faintly registers this. We slowly make our way in and he shuffles over to the handicapped stall (I had to laugh a little. I was reminded of a conversation where someone told me that if it's available? He always hits the handicapped stall to do his business since it's roomier. And here's someone who is, you know, handicapped? And actually needing to use it. What. A. Concept.) I do my business, wash my hands, and commence waiting. The stall door is pulled open and he says "No flush!!!" loudly. I assure him that it's auto flush and it will happen on its own and he shakes his head and slides his walker out saying "not me!!!".

Oh. Someone ELSE'S potty. So I comply.

He thanks me and goes back in.

So the rotation of individuals comes and goes, and I sit there planted against the wall. I see the wife out side and she raises her eyebrows and mouths "OK?" I nod, and keep waiting. Thought's start to invade my mind at a rapid pace. "I can't tell Dorajar and DeeZ where I am right now...it'd be like abandoning my post." "I really hope that nothing DOES happen...what do I do then? Get her and take off? And if there are dudes in here, do I announce her prescence?". "The guys, some with kids, are giving me weird looks...aren't they. Well Jesus, Baby P...you're probably giving off this very 'Craig-Like' cruising vibe. Tres Pervy...Jackass".

And lastly, PLEASE bear in mind I'm not proud of my own selfish rationalizations: "Um...I'm on a schedule and have to get back on the road...how long is this going to take?"

I hear commotion coming from the stall, and help to open the door while he finds his way to the sink. And boy, he was really going for the "cleanliness is next to Godliness" vibe with how long he washed his hands. (Wash, pump soap, wash, pump soap, wash...X's Five) There isn't any hand towels and so he navigates over to the hand dryer (Another brief moment of panic, as I notice that his hands are wet, he's having great difficult on his wheeled walker, and he's using his elbows to steer in order to keep the handles from getting wet. Since this is the home stretch, I thought, this is where something will happen)

But nope. He dries. Slowly makes his way over toward the door as I let him pass and he gives me a quiet "thank you" before we mosey over to his wife.

I'm about to turn heel and bustle off to the car when I get a brief touch on my shoulder from the woman who, with all the sincerity I've ever seen in the world says "Thank you. Thank you so much for your kindness". I mumble something along the lines of "It was absolutely not a problem" before skedaddling.

All of this really only took the span of maaaaybe 10 minutes.

It took me a sec to articulate to the other passenger's what just happened as I saw them both make their way in the rearview mirror to their vehicle. It made me think of the well of love, patience, understanding, frustration that has to accompany them. And I felt a mix of shame, pride, love, and a very real and profound sense of gratitude.

And then it was back to the Chamber of Secrets. And maybe the karma was what kept Dorajar's car running smoothly the entire weekend.

Home

Safe, thankyouverymuch...


Whatta weekend. Oof. Oof to the iz-dah. Road trips for buddies are fun and relaxing, but dang do they tend to wear you out. (And make going back to the grind a monumental struggle)

Of note:

Frids we go to pick up DeeZ and grab some breakfast early early (http://victors1959cafe.com/)
before heading to get the rental car to make haste to points Southerly. After settling up, Dorajar tells the nice cashier our destination and we get the "dissapointed face" from her and she says "Oh...we only have a 5 state radius. We'll have to charge you $.30 a mile after 200 miles." (Sweet, I think? We're not travelling more than 3 states away! But no...it's the three SURROUNDING states. F#ck-bacon.) So we said "Eff it" and took the Mo-Mobile. 7 hours, 2 pit stops*, 1 tank refill, and hungry bellies later we arrive in Overland Park to stay with buddies. We had dinner, then hit the LQ and stayed up to the wee hours (Read: 11pm. We're old) before passing out.

Sats we grabbed brefkist before shuffling off to Lawrence. We ended up hotel-ing it cheaply due to some mis-communique with previous arrangements. After cleaning up we hit a Mexican restaurant (We weren't sure if there was going to be food at the reception until we were seated, ordered food and margies, and I looked at the RSVP. Whoops) Then off to the outdoor wedding which was loverly. (Save the fact the reverend biker ladies mike wasn't on. And Dorajar getting stung by a bee. Twice. Nature, it seems, had it out for us) The reception was at this idyllic little farm/campsite in this big, garage? Like, mechanics garage. In the main hall there was the typical decorations you'd expect (Vintage auto signs, antique hub caps) In the booze room off to the side, there was just...antiques. (Lunch boxes, pennants, sports equipment, and the like) It was charming as hell. Dinner was a catered affair chock full of a lot of...meat. (Who were 45 minutes late, which created some mild tension early on) We danced, tried leaving at 9:30, were shamed into staying later, plied with energy drinks, then gibbered on and smoke cigars for another 2 hours before heading home.

Sunds was continental brefkist and a tour of scenic downtown Lawrence. I was given campus and town stories, we snacked on Thai. Shopped the shops (I demolished the first two HP novels, and hadda hit a used bookstore for more dreck. This seems to be a road trip tradition I'm setting up) And finally met up w/buddies at the Free State Brewery (http://www.freestatebrewing.com/) For beers and dinner.

A couple of Ed Asner ales and gumbo later? Things get a little fuzzy. Sunday will now be dubbed "Party Night". We hopped. We frassed. And I was grateful that I wasn't hung over the next day. (Seriously, how? I mean up and jogging by 9? You are a freak, boy)

Monday we had brefkist with the Scora/n and high tailed it back to Mipples. And the fates conspired against us, yet again...and in spite of a Chinese food jones, Great Dragon was closed for the day. It seems even Martian's celebrate Labor day.


* I hope I win karma points for this one. There's a story here for another blog.