Bavarian Walrus Flu....

So. In light of recent current events...I'm still kinda shook up over this "Bird Flu".

Bird Flu. I mean, why couldn't they have given it a really mean and forboding name. Hell, spin the story so that the animal is a bit more menacing. Like "Great White Shark Flu", or "Water Buffalo Flu". Heck.... "Black Widow" flu. I mean, fuck...people are at least scared of spiders.

Frickin' England had Rats spread the plague for cryin' out loud...and rats are at least grody. I mean c'mon? Do you think we'll get it here anyway? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in thinking that the worst season for colds and flu in MN also happens to coincide with our winter. All-8-months of it. All the sick birds will have gone to AZ with the seniors. THAT's where the NIH should be focusing their studies.

And you know, what do those birds chirp to each other when they get sick anyway? They're hanging out at the Pet store, when you hear an avian "AH CHOO", and the Gray African Parrot says to the Cockatiel... "Hey. Jeff? You wanna cover your beak when you sneeze? Seriously, that's gross. Some poor patron get's an eyeful of your bird-boogs and then WHAMMO....W will write a check to big drug companies for $7 bill. Do your part, buddy. Be an American. That money'd be better suited elsewhere"

And seriously...I've never heard a bird sneeze before. (Or a shark for that matter. I bet they don't sneeze because sharks are bad-ass. ) Have you heard one? I mean, if they're gonna watch an animal who (probably) get's bad colds why not watch Arctic critters like polar bears...or Walruses? Walruses have got to sneeze. Gotta. I mean, if there was an animal that would probably be subjected to colds, it'd be them. (Well, it'd suck to be an elephant or an anteater...with their big schnozzes. But those mo-fo's pretty much stay in warmer environs.)

No, the walrus probably shlup shchlup schchlups along on his big ol' flippers, scraping on the cold ground when BA-BOOM. Tusk-rattling sneezes. Tusk...Rattling. And I bet they speak with German accents. "Oh, Oh, Gerta...Mah noss ist zo gestuffen....Ich habs ein cold gerflugen in sie sung alles. Und no heisse bathen to gebathen innen. Und wir sind outs nach zem thera-flu alles nacht. Oooohhhh, meine kliene Valrus Flu gehaben!!!!") Those poor walrus need to join their manatee brethren in FL. Sure, they got the hurricanes, but at least you're in a warm climate! They can sit back poolside with a Hawaiian shirt, Jams, and that funny straw hat with the green tinted visor in the front brim. Sipping a sardine and plankton bloody mary...bits of tabasco and zinc oxide getting stuck in their bushy mustache. "Ahhhh, zis is der life gegangen. Wir sind immer paradise..." Mr and Mrs Walrus can hold flippers and watch the sunset.


There it is...a walrus rant