In which I break a resolution...for good d@mn reason.

So I know that I'm normally a little gusty with the number of times I get to write for your humor/benefit, and mostly it's because keeping my job is important so I have my nose to the grindstone while I'm there.  Not a bad thing, I know, but there are usually stories and situations that whirl around in my brain that I'd love to post for your amusement.  Really.  This issue is after they whirl, they tend to go down the drain.  And the other issue is that they usually happen while I'm in the car and can't write it down.  I'm too busy being "me" in the car and trying to not have an aneurysm based on the other drivers behavior.

This doesn't even begin to capture my frass...

I've also had a lot of stress, compounding stress.  I should mention that we're now on May 1st, and are entering our 7th or 8th month of winter.  And the last few weeks the temps have been all over and we're experiencing "historical" snow cover.  Subsequently, I have SAD.  And I have not been able to start outdoor projects, long outdoor runs with my running friends, and pretty much everything that makes "Spring" one of the awesomest times of the year has been batted down and stepped on like an AT-AT steps on a snowspeeder.

Pictured: 29th and Johnson St NE, May 1st.  It'd be more accurate if the AT-AT was played by one of the frightening neighborhood wild turkeys.

The other reason that I've been stressed is that home ownership has decided to flex it's dickhead muscles and muck with my plumbing. See, my hot water went out again.    The pressure just disappeared in the bathroom sink and shower from a trickle to non-existent...all because I tried dicking around with it and made it worse.  Any house project that requires any form of mechanical fortitude, I will spectacularly make worse.

You might remember, this is what happened when I tried fixing the P-trap on my bathroom sink.

If not for my roommate, (and the aforementioned desire to run outdoors...which means copious sweating that must be removed) I'd drag my feet.  I can shower at the gym, friends houses, etc.  My roommate, however, does not have those luxuries and so he's resorted to boiling water "Little House" style.  Anyway, I'm a landlord and had to act.  I'm just on a fixed income (read: Poor) so emergencies like this bite hard.

However, it's at this "gym" I speak of where I can take luxurious showers.  It's forced me to drag my butt out of bed while it's dark and since I can't bring myself to check in, shower, and leave- I get to work out.  Which invariably makes me feel better and gets it out of the way for the day.  Moreover, it's usually pretty dead at the boot crack of dawn- with the exception of a few sassy senior citizens- so I have carte blanche in picking equipment without waiting, people hogging in on the weights, the locker room being reasonably clear.  I mean, it's healthy hog heaven.  When I leave is when the early yoga classes start, so I don't even have to deal with the smelly yoga bear-man.  I have effectively solved my own issues by avoidance.  AND I've been getting killer workouts without having to cram them in right before karate.  I will be effectively READY TO HAVE MY BEACH BODY BECAUSE OF JANKY PLUMBING!!!.

You're welcome

Except for the Oompa Loompa..."Wait, what, handsome Daniel Craig lookalike?  I thought you resoluted back in January that you would try to be more understanding of your fellow humans?"  Yeah. Well.  Threshold has been reached.  And I'll tell you that it took about 5-6 strikes today that I'll outline for you so you understand.  And it's not even this horrible:

...but wait...it's still pretty bad.

I was already pretty annoyed this morning.  There were only 4 people at the gym, but in the men's locker room there were about 8 keys missing from the complimentary lockers.   (Yeah.  The "good" lockers.  The "way back" lockers closest to the showers.   Apparently my gym has an issue with members taking home the keys and leaving their shit in the locker...like it's a private club.  And there are signs everywhere indicating they're not supposed to do that.)   That, coupled with the fact that there's been some treadmill breakdowns that haven't been addressed in a few weeks- I was ready to get cleaned up and go to work.

And yes...I was making this face, and quietly judging the people walking on the treadmill- reading "Shape" magazine- right in front of the TV with the local news and weather.  You'd make this face too if the only other TV is showing Fox News.

While shaving, a gentleman entered the shower area in the raw.  It's a gym.  Okay.  An older biscuit-head with military bearing although slightly going to seed, the man stops- surveys the area- and heads to the shower.  Now, bear in mind there are "3" showers next to one and other.  And while I'm rinsing off shave goo and imagining the day I'll be able to manscape in the comfort of my own home again, this...orangey-tan guy...up and goes to the middle shower stall.  This is akin to breaking the urinal rule in public bathrooms...

It's a real thing.

Anyway...NBD.  I'm in the zone.  He gets done 1st and leaves for his locker so I can continue luxuriating...(Friends, when you have NO HOT WATER pressure at home, you try and shower as long as you can, where you can.  I was ready to go outside with a bar of soap and a loofah the last rain shower we had before it up and decided to become snow again.)  I finish, dry off, wrap my towel and head to my locker when I notice...this guy...

Pictured:  Actual shade.  And yeah, he had a tighty-white tan line.  Which meant he was either a snowbird or addicted to the tanning specials at the gym.  As a "retired" fake-baker myself, I'm speculating the latter.

Is in the locker right next to mine.  As in, there are about 70 lockers in the locker room.  (Less the missing keys and the current attending members)  And this guy can't be bothered to use any other locker in the locker room?  You can see a missing key, dude.  You KNOW there's someone in that locker.  And even if you've mentally established that locker as "your" locker?  Get the natural eff over it and find another.  ("Like you do, Mister 'Needs the Treadmill in front of channel 11 to watch Jeopardy'?"  "Shut it, heid")

I don't think I would have been able to mask my annoyance at this point, or made my go-to joke ("Murphy's Law of the gym, right?!?! HAHAHAHAH!!!")...oh, when is it?  Right, when it's busy and unavoidable you'll be butted up next to someone.  No, this turkey slapper actually made me stop in my tracks before quickly emptying my locker while still drippy and throw my s*iton the ground around the corner to give us a little breathing room.

Like this?  Like this...

As of this writing, you may assume that I was hella annoyed.  Nope.  I'd say that part came when he put his leg up on a stool and started liberally spraying "Axe" all over his nethers.  (I f#cking TOLD you it'd get worse!)  The guy was practically euthanizing his gonads, with the toxic cloud wafting over the locker bank.  And next?  Promptly stands in front of the towel discard chute to apply his hair jelly to his spiky head (In the mirror next to the exit)...which meant sort of herky jerky tossing it "around" him so that he finally took notice.  And then when he saw me make my awful banked shot, he didn't take the hint he was in the way... and went back to his careful application of pomade.

To recap:
-Takes the center shower.
-Fake bake.
-Squats in locker right next to mine with full knowledge someone was there and 60 odd alternatives.
-Copious amounts of Axe Body spray.
-A nesting quality and need to hoard "space" so everyone ("me") needs to move around his crap.

5 strikes...

I won't lie.  I'm going to be happy- so stupidly happy- when my shower is operational again and I can go back to tossing and turning until 30 minutes before I absolutely have to get up and get ready for work.  The plumbing quote just can't come back fast enough.

Which will obviously look like this, except soapier.