How to party at my house on NYE

(Special love and thanks to Mel over at Thornehouse.blogspot.com for this. Comic gold, AND make sure you make it to #8)


How To Come to a Party at My House

1. Wear whatever you like. Hats, tuxedos, and false beards are all encouraged, separately or together.

2. You really don't have to bring anything. I know it is polite to ask, and I appreciate that politeness, but when I throw a party I am kind of a crazy control freak with the planning so I probably have it all covered. If your mother raised you in such a way that you absolutely cannot arrive empty-handed, wine (hint: I like Pinot Grigio), tulips (hint: I like purple ones), or huge baggies of drugs are always welcome.

3. Say something nice about the food, because I am not always very confident of my domestic abilities.

4. Drink. Mingle. Don't wait to be introduced. Be funny. Here is a list of conversational topics to get you started: your favorite cheeses, why John Madden and Pat Summerall should be worked over with a tire iron, scary things (nuns, clowns, midgets), stuff that sucks, weird sexual things you've done, drug stories (bonus points if they end up with you pantsless in a police station), caber tossing, your favorite Popes in history (I've always enjoyed Pope Clement VI), famous people who you wouldn't mind having as your own personal fuckpuppet (again, Pope Clement VI for me, or maybe Ricky Martin), dinosaurs RRRAAARRR!, whether you believe that the declension in the Western post-Romantic mind from Modernism to Postmodernism can be understood as a shift from epistemological skepticism to ontological skepticism, the fact that a pig has a spiral penis, and the Incredible Hulk's bad haircut (seriously, did his mom cut his hair with a bowl?).

5. Conversational topics to avoid: work (funny stories are fine, but no one wants to hear the details of your spreadsheet wizardry), your gym routine, abortion/gun control/the death penalty/terrorism, what you did or didn't eat today, how everyone lusts after you, the amount of fabulously expensive electronic equipment you own, and platform snobbery (if I even overhear a tiny fragment of the Windows vs Mac vs Linux debate I'll slip a roofie in your drink, I swear). Also, anecdotes about how cute your pets or children are should be limited to five minutes or less.

6. Never, ever, insist that everyone stop drinking, talking, and generally having a good time in order to "play a game." Playing games is fine, if it is that sort of party. Or there can be a subgroup of game players within a larger party. But you are not the Camp Counselor of the party, to be demanding that the partygoers do this or that.

7. Be a Good Drinker: no vomiting, no wanton destruction, no unwanted groping of fellow guests. Dirty jokes, comic antics, flirtation, and slightly slurred stream-of-consciousness blather are encouraged, however. If things do get out of hand, you are welcome to spend the night. I have plenty of couch space.

8. Remember, your hostess sets the tone. So: If I am wobbling about like Dorothy Parker on a bad night, consuming superhuman quantities of gin, kissing just about everyone on the mouth, waving cigarettes around and coming dangerously close to setting you on fire, and cracking wise about all and sundry, that gives you a free license to completely let your hair down. And if at any point I drop into a kung-fu stance that is a very clear signal that all bets are off. (For some reason I tend to make with the martial arts poses when I get very drunk.)

End of year "Best of" list!

Man. I hate to start this post on a bit of a downer, but 2009 has certainly sucked a great deal. Between losing jobs, dad, and feeling like crapola physically I'm happy to say that putting this decade to bed is a blessing and serving to help me get my butt in gear for a fortuitous year of growth in 2010.

I'm not a fan of "top ten" lists (especially when they start coming out in October/November. Hello? Year ain't done yet, turkeys) but there were some stand out moments/activities in '09 that'd I'd like to give the Christmas baby stamp of approval. Without further ado:

BEST NEW MUSIC FIND(s)-

(I dig on a lot of stuff I hear on the current, but these tunes are catchy and get stuck on ear worm more than I care to count)

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes "Home"
Gnarls Barkley "Going on"

(Runner up- Metric)

BEST THEATRICAL PRODUCTIONS-
"Caroline, or Change"
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show"
"Beauty and the Beast"

(Runner up- "Hedda Gabler". Think I'm biased? Shup. It was good)

BEST FILM-
"Precious" Hands down, arguably the most affecting movie I saw in 2009.
"Star Trek" (Smart. Smart as hell re-imagining)

(Runner up- "Inglorious Basterds". Affecting, albeit in a completely different way. Oof)

BEST TV SHOWS-
(I'm hamstringing myself here since I don't watch much by way of network TV. I deplore reality shows, and the acronyms that have taken place of titles. "HIMYM"? "SYTYCD"? Dumb. These shows have been out for a minute, and make for great Netflixing nights off)

"Big Love"
"Carnivale"

BEST BOOK-
(While I'm not the book-o-phile Moda is I made a dent in a few choice reads this year. Again, they're a little old but I stand by my assertion that they make damn fine reads)

"The Time Travelers Wife"
"The Year of Living Biblically"
"The Graveyard Book"

BEST NEW RESTAURANT-
(We eat out, doi. And this finding was kind of tough to rate since many of the places we've tried tend to be established restaurans, or "bullet points" that we like to patronize. And since we mostly went to the tried and true joints, I'm feeling forced to post a doofy critique on the newest food venture)

Il Gatto. It ain't Figlio, I won't lie. Figlio is almost less a restaurant and more an institution, and when they announced the closure my reaction was more emotional than anything. And honestly I think that's the mark of a good restaurant. I can recall almost every single one of my visits going back 15-odd years. What has taken its place is a fairly respectable restaurant with a menu that has enough choices to cater to folks like myself who miss the Figlio of old and enough new choices to make it the newest hotspot for Uptown patrons. And while we weren't floored by the experience (too loud, too cramped, and a seafood dish for me that, unfortunately...was a little too brine-y) it was good enough to make me recommend it to friends.

(Runner up- Zeno. This was a one-time deal. We heard that they were having a "one-weekend" special to help drum up interest in their new expanded sushi menu and we capitalized on it. It. Was. Glorious. I can't imagine what the prices will be like since it ended, but for how inexpensive and unbelievably delicious our sushi was I can only give it a thumbs up)

Happy Birthmas!

Hiya friends. Blog central is celebrating our five year anniversary/Christmas/Birthday and I wanted to thank my (few) loyal readers this season. I hope that 2010 gives you what you want and proves satisfying in so many ways, we forget to count.

I'm 34 for a few more hours...

And scene.

BIRTHDAY'ddd!

Or CHRISTMAS'ddd!!!

Either way, it's coming. And okay, okay...so I've been a silent blog-monkey and it's been sort of a melancholier X-mas than normal, my mom (bless her heart) sent me her X-mas list (a first. Figuring out what she wants has never been easier) and asked I do the same in return. As always, I broke down my list into things that are practical and that I really, really need. (ex: new socks, a new black dress belt in my size, new boxer briefs in my husky-boy size, new running shoes, and a CO2 detector for upstairs.) Versus my ultimate "wish" (See. "Wish". Not "Need to have immediately." Jeebus) list (ex: 42 flatscreen HDTV, Blu-Ray DVD player, a new 2-car Garage and driveway, etc.)

Now, this list could get piled higher than Kilimanjaro rising like the sun above the Serengeti...Toto...No? So for y'all...here's my electronic knick-knack-nerd wish list 2009. Bearing in mind you only have 2 shopping days left. And we wants them (Refutations and justifications can be found and made in the comments below):

DVD's: (Based on repeat watchability...or if they were lent away and never returned. Thievin' bastards)

Highlander (film. 1986)
Star Trek (Extended edition. 2009)
The Wrath of Khan (1982)
The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)
A History of Violence (2005)
Rob Roy (1995)
Eastern Promises (2007)
Braveheart (1995)
Legend of Drunken Master (or. 1994 under "Drunken Master II")
Iron Monkey (2000)
Pans Labryinth (2006)
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
The Untouchables (1988)
The Unforgiven (1993)
Ratatouille (2008)
Wall-E (2008)
Brick (2005)
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

CD's (which include CD's that were stolen)

They Might Be Giants "Flood"
Bjork "Telegram"/"Homogenic"
Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits
Garth Brooks Greatest Hits
The Offspring "Ixnay on the Hombre"
Simon and Garfunkel's Concert in Central Park
De La Soul "Three Feet High and Rising"
Miss Saigon Original Cast Recording
Queens Greatest Hits vol. I and II

Toys/Books etc

Conor MacLeod replica Katana http://www.unitedcutlery.com/Images/medres/UC2593.JPG

Luke Skywalker Master Replicas FX Sword (Roman remembers the X-mas we played with these in Borders Books) http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51n5IcEboPL._SL500_AA280_.jpg

Spider-Man (quality) costume http://cgi.ebay.com/Spiderman-Adult-Costume-Quality-Spandex-5-6-to-6-1_W0QQitemZ160389014886QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item2557ee2566

The following Sandman Graphic Novels by Neil Gaiman (I have the 1st three) “Dream Country”, “Seasons of the Mist”, “A Game of You”, “Fables and Reflections”, “Brief Lives”, “Worlds End”, “The Kindly Ones”, and “The Wake”.

Neil Gaiman "The Graveyard Book", "Good Omens" (w/Terry Pratchett), and "Neverwhere".

Kurt Busiek and Alex Ross "Marvels" http://www.amazon.com/Marvels-Kurt-Busiek/dp/0785100490

And, without any place to put the stupid thing: A Hogwarts DVD holder-http://www.snitchseeker.com/gallery/albums/userpics/13923/collectors017.jpg


See. Easy to please, I am! Happy Holidays, folks! Hoping to get back on the Blog-Wagon soon.

Test

Whoops! Two months got away. It isn't that I've been overtly busy, it's just been sort of a whirl wind of emotions and frass that have been filling my headspace. (And the fact that it's hard to blaug here at work) So something quick, light, frothy, and topical.


I hate people who swear without regard to who is around them. There, I said it. Now I'm a die hard with a vengeance curser. I admit it. Sweary McSwearerson. But lately, and maybe b/c I haven't felt too Christmasy, and have only desired to find peace on earth and good will towards one and other...these little outbursts p#ss me off:

(At the pumps outside of the "Stop and Save" getting gas)
"F#ck. What the...This F#ckin' thing. (to me) Every f#ckin time....NEVER prints a receipt and you gotta go in and ask the cashier for your f#ckin' receipt. F#CK!"

Me: "Oh..."


(Outside of the gym, next to the Chinese restaurant where two dudes were walking in)
"And Kelly was like...'No f#ckin way I'm doing that s#it. You get your a## in here and pin those binders.' and I was like 'Might as well. You f#ckin' break'em every time. Chr!st."

Did I mention the day care at the gym was letting out simultaneously?

(My favorite: The break room at work. Where people mill about freely. This one is priceless)

"What the f#ck do you MEAN? I can't AFFORD that. No. no. no. NO. I said "F#####ck. No. No f#ckin way. You tell Sheila that I don't give a f#ck if she can't help, she's..."

Okay. You get the gist.

So. My request, this holiday season: Watch your f#ckin mouth when you're out in public.